The Threesome Is The Most Common Sex Fantasy, So Why Is It Also The Biggest Letdown?

I’ve always wanted to have a threesome. Whether it be two guys and one girl or two girls and one guy, the idea of having another body to play with (and more importantly, to play with me) is so sexy that it’s gotten me through too many solo sex sessions to count. But despite being a huge fan of the menage-a-trois (and totally having opportunities to take part), I’ve always been a little nervous about actually doing one. Why? They don’t always go as great as you’d think.

Threesomes are one of the most common sex fantasies that people have. So if you think it’s odd that you’re constantly daydreaming about letting a third person into your bedroom, I promise you are definitely not alone. But just because everyone starts getting horny AF thinking about threesomes does not mean everyone should have one, because I’ll let you in on a little secret — they typically don’t go as planned.

“Much of what we think about threesomes comes from what we imagine threesomes are like,” Gigi Engle, sex and relationship therapist and resident intimacy expert at 3Fun, a threesome dating app, tells Betches. “Fantasy is not the same as reality.” Reality, she says, takes a lot of planning and communication.

So if your fantasy of a threesome has something to do with porn you’ve seen, I’m sorry to break it to you but it almost never happens that naturally. “If you go into a threesome with the wrong ideas about threesomes, you’re going to have a pretty terrible time,” Gigi says.

So what constitutes “wrong ideas about threesomes”? Well for one, one of the biggest issues tends to be that everyone typically goes into a threesome thinking that they’ll be the center of attention. So when there’s three people thinking they’re all the main character, you’re bound to end up with some disappointment.

Are You Hoping A Threesome Will Heal Your Relationship?

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Plus, if you’re in a relationship and trying to have a threesome with your significant other, there’s a lot of potential for catastrophe. Gigi explains that while threesomes are super fun and can definitely be a way to build closeness with your partner, they are not a) a way to fix your self-esteem, b) a cure to being bored in your relationship or even c) an opportunity to exploit another human.

But this doesn’t mean you’re bound to have a miserable time and break up if you go down the threesome route with your partner, or even solo dolo. You’re not doomed to disaster if you have a threesome. It’s really about sitting with yourself, your partner(s), and figuring out why you want a threesome.

Have You Talked About Your Fantasy With Your Partner?

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“The nuts and bolts behind your desire to try this new sexual experience (which is no small thing, mind you) can help you figure out if this is something you want for the right reasons,” Gigi says. “Healthy, responsible threesomes should come from a place of genuine curiosity, desire, security, and personal interest.”

And you need to talk about it again… and again… and yes, again. Talk about what your boundaries are, what you’re nervous about, and what you’d like to get out of the experience. The more you talk, the more you’ll be able to gauge if you’re ready for a threesome. And if you are, talking will help you figure out how to make it go well.

“Navigating three people’s needs during sex means there’s going to be a lot of talking—not only beforehand but during the deed, too,” Gigi put it. “It’s not only necessary but actually pretty hot.” She says to make sure you and your partners are communicating before, during, and after sex.

And even if you decide that a threesome isn’t for you, it doesn’t mean you have to cast it away from your mind forever. The most incredible thing about fantasies is that they can be just that — fantasies! If the idea of a threesome is what drives you nuts (in the best way), there is absolutely no reason why you can’t use visuals and conversations about them to make you or your partner hornier.