‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Sweet As Silver

Greetings, children of the quarn, and come join me for the latest Vanderpump Rules recap. Truthfully, the only thing I remember about last week was how unintentionally hilarious Charli was. Judging by her Instagram follower count and her typical allotted amount of screen time per episode, she is pitifully underrated. Like, not to brag (but kind of to brag) but how do I, a certified jackass who just subtweets my Hinge dates and posts screenshots of those tweets to Instagram, have more followers than a regulation hottie on a hit TV show? I will try to not let this go to my head.

Narrator: She would, in fact, immediately let it go to her head.

It’s only been like, three episodes since Jax and Brittany’s wedding, and we’re already back on the wedding train with Katie and Tom’s fake Vegas wedding. Stassi and Sandoval are officiating the wedding together, because I guess Katie and Schwartz really do not want to be legally married. Just kidding, I’m sure Sandoval, at least, will get all the proper licensing. Stassi will probably just find a way to not really do her job and make it about her.

Seeing Danica, Scheana, and Charli go to an outdoor bar and order Aperol spritzes is giving me physical pangs of grief. I too remember those days!! Scheana’s not going to Katie and Tom’s wedding because she’s getting her eggs retrieved, and not because she wasn’t invited. Phew, I honestly wasn’t sure.

Meanwhile, at TomTom, Brett is telling Max that he made out with Dayna but it was only because he downed three fruity drinks right in a row and he never has carbs or alcohol! He definitely doesn’t like Dayna at all. This is shady.

Charli is once again the underrated MVP of this entire show with this quote: “To men in LA, vaginas don’t have a face.” New York is the same, in case anyone was wondering. Or is the problem just… men? More on this at 8.

Gonna be honest with you guys, I like, scrolled through Instagram for five solid minutes of Lisa pretending to buy shoes and everyone arriving in Vegas. I just watched McMillions yesterday and now I’m triggered by any and all B-roll footage.

Unfortunately for Dayna, she has been left at SUR to polish glasses—as if she would have been invited to Vegas in the first place. Scheana comes up to Dayna to tell her, once again, that she’s freezing her eggs. The thing is, I could easily make a joke about how it’s like… Nobody: Scheana: I’m freezing my eggs, but the saddest part is that still nobody ever listens to her. 

Over in Vegas, Lala and Randall are talking in bed, and wow, they look really good here.

randall 90 day fiancé meme

As Schwartz is unpacking, he pulls out a bra that is definitely not Katie’s, that just “happened” to end up in his suitcase. It is… pretty dark to watch Schwartz try to jokingly-not-jokingly gaslight Katie that it is, in fact, her bra, only to slink away when that doesn’t work, muttering, “I’m so f*cked.” Ohhh boy. This is not gonna be good.

Also in Vegas, not at all prompted by producers, Beau calls Stassi’s dad to ask his permission to marry her. Beau is sweating like a whore in church and stammering like… a whore confessing in church? I don’t know, I don’t go to church!

Things I did not need to know: Raquel is turned on by James’s sobriety. Yea, I’m not surprised that James is better at sex when he doesn’t have constant whiskey dick. Let’s move on.

Scheana’s doppelgänger waitress is crazy, but what’s even crazier is Stassi trying to flex like she doesn’t remember the name of Scheana’s song. She calls it “Sweet as Silver,” and like, bitch, we all know you know it’s “Good as Gold.” First of all, you heard it nonstop in the Pride parade. 44 donkey kicks to the ear, remember? Also, it is a bop, so put some goddamn respect on Scheana’s name.

It’s pretty wild that Schwartz is going to insist that he has nothing to hide vis-à-vis the bra situation, when we all saw him black out in Mexico and end up in a totally different resort. Just saying, it’s completely within the realm of possibility. But then we learn that Lisa put her underwear in there accidentally but also as a prank? I am confused, but honestly not upset with this turn of events.

Ariana’s reaction to the giant bottle of Casamigos is everything.

Ariana Vanderpump Rules

Bootleg Scheana continues to trip even Max and Lisa out, and predictably, she’s flirting with Max too. Is this a glitch in the Matrix, or do they just go to the same botox doctor? Where is Charli for a hilarious yet true quote about all the women in LA?

I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say that Max doesn’t get to dump Dayna/refuse to take her back and then try to forbid Brett from seeing her under the guise that he “has feelings” for her. Max is like, “if I can’t use Dayna for my storyline, no one can!” 

Dayna and Danica are hanging out and she’s wearing some crazy sweatshirt with a chain situation. I love that they’re talking about the “magical website” where Danica shops that is definitely like, Fashion Nova.

I also love Danica trying to explain why Dayna and Brett aren’t a good match, in earnest, because Dayna is a Leo and Brett is a Pisces and “those two just don’t mix.” And then she makes an off-the-cuff remark about how two of her exes have restraining orders against her? Okay, one, who let her on this show? But also, like, who is only letting her have a minimal part in this show? This is a huge missed opportunity. We need more Danica content.

Katie and Schwartz’s fake wedding is pretty fun, and this is the best Katie has never looked. But um, super yikes that Stassi used her friend’s second wedding to sh*t on Beau for not proposing. I need to say it again because I’m not over it: yikes. Girl, get a grip.

Brett, Dayna, James, and Raquel are on the weirdest double date ever. Brett stumbles through a half-assed garden metaphor and then talks about how he….. has a fetish to drink his mom’s breast milk? Sorry, but that’s what I heard, guys.

Dayna remarks that Lisa “has a phat pussy”, and can we not with the Lala energy? I’m going to crawl into my own belly button like Stimpy in that one harrowing episode of Ren & Stimpy. 

The next morning, Stassi calls room service in a fake British accent. I would knock it, but I’m about to be doing that with telemarketers in about a week just to get my kicks. 

Unsurprisingly, Max f*cked Bootleg Scheana. You know what we call that? Brand loyalty.

The next day, the Bubbas are extremely hungover, and it’s the moment of truth to see if Tom was able to hang onto his marriage certificate…. Again. He did lose it, and I gotta say, this is on Katie this time for trusting him with it again. 

Schwartz: Even without the piece of paper, we’re still legally married.
Katie: Actually that paper is like, the only thing that guarantees we are legally married.

Honestly guys, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Look at it this way: if you never get legally married, then you don’t have to deal with (or pay for) a divorce!

If you want more Vanderpump Rules content, check out our video with Kristen Doute from the Betches Instathon:

Images: runningdreamz / Twitter; Bravo

8 ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Moments That Aren’t Talked About Enough

As a self-confessed Bravoholic, I revel in the happenings on our favorite Bravo shows, whether it’s the idiocy of Puppygate in last season’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or the garbage men that run rampant on every season of Southern Charm. And while I know a mother isn’t supposed to reveal her favorite child, I must confess that Vanderpump Rules is my personal jewel in the crown. From the moment it premiered seven years ago, the show has given us more drama than any scripted series ever could and a cast of beautiful surgically-enhanced train wrecks you can’t tear your eyes away from. In honor of the premiere of Vanderpump Rules season 8, I’ve rounded up the most under-appreciated moments of the series.

 8. Scheana’s Crop Top Wedding Dress

Scheana Wedding

Ms. Scheana Marie Jancan Shay is known for her many misguided choices. These usually involve men who are unavailable, either because they’re married or vying for camera time simply not that into her. However, the most embarrassing thing she’s ever done on the show was wear a crop top wedding gown in season 3. I’d describe it for you, but I’ll leave it to Stassi, who summed it up better than I ever could:

7. Story Time With Lala

Lala Kent is nothing if not an enigma. One minute, she’s masquerading as the show’s feminist hero, and the next she is completely unaware of what cis privilege means. In a scene from season 4 that is not discussed nearly enough, she beautifully showcases this when talking about the book she’s currently reading: “I was given a book called Fountainhead, which is by Ayn Rand. It’s a philosophical book and it’s about architecture and architects.” Sounds like the book report of a 9-year-old who didn’t read the book and put the movie on in the background while texting, but sure. I’ll leave it at that, because I don’t want to “get popped.”

6. Ariana, Feminist Hero

Season 7 was a breakout season for Ariana, not only because she showed us she’s more intelligent than her fellow SURvers by leaps and bounds, but also because she’s been open and honest about her sexuality and stood up for her trans castmate, Billie Lee. I especially appreciated her candor on being reluctant to get married and have children despite constant questions and pressure from the other cast members, including her own boyfriend: “Before I would even be comfortable considering the idea of having kids, I would need to check off all the places I wanna go in the world, which is kind of all of them. And I would also just like, I don’t know, want to?” Sorry Lala, but this is actually what a feminist looks like.

5. The Number One Guy In This Group

There’s never been anyone on television quite like Jason Michael Cauchi Jax Taylor. In season 4 he proved that his words could be just as unpredictable as his behavior during a conversation with Schwartz and Sandoval about Schwartz and Katie’s dysfunctional relationship. Schwartz gets up to take a break from the drama, and Jax utters the following to Sandoval in a glorious coke-induced rage: “Dude, stop acting like you’re the number one f*cking guy in this group, man. I’m the number one guy in this group!” The seriousness with which he delivers this absurd proclamation, with not even an iota of irony, is nothing short of magical.

4. James Kennedy’s Impersonations

Love him or hate him, James has delivered some of the best lines on this show (“PUMP-TINI!” “It’s not about the pasta!”). But less acknowledged and equally hysterical are his impressions of his fellow castmates. His impersonation of Stassi on the ground, literally “crawling back from New York” on the season 5 reunion was so hilarious that even Stassi couldn’t help but laugh. My personal favorite, however, is his reenactments of both Brittany and Jax reacting to the revelation of the infamous Jax-Faith recording. His “WHHHYYY?!?” is enough to convince me that he should star in the next reboot of A Streetcar Named Desire. Don’t @ me.

3. Sandoval’s Dramatic Drag Show

Joint bachelor/bachelorette parties are rarely a good idea, especially when the couple in question transforms into the worst versions of themselves after a couple shots of tequila. That said, we’re forever indebted to Katie and Schwartz for giving us what is perhaps Sandoval’s most melodramatic moment on this show, which is saying something. The image of him dressed in drag like a bootleg Sia and referring to his best friend as a “battered wife!” will forever be etched in the darkest recesses of my brain. The juxtaposition of his insane getup and the earnestness of his message is more than any of us deserve. We really are living in the golden age of television.

2. Jax and Faith’s Captive Audience

When it came out that Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, the rest of the cast was downright shocked. Maybe it was because they collectively bought into the storyline genuinely believed that Jax was a changed man (LOL). However, not one person brought up the most horrifying detail of the encounter: that this all went down while Faith was inexplicably charged with the live-in care for a 95-year-old woman. Umm, WTF?! I can’t even begin to fathom how Faith was approved for this gig in the first place. We can only hope the poor woman was hopped up on one of her prescriptions and slept through this heinous encounter.

Actual footage of me watching this episode:

1. The Montages

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easily the best clip on tv 😩 whoever edited this…we’re besties in my head. #vanderpumprules

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The Vanderpump Rules editors (and Bravo editors in general) are the true unsung heroes of the show. They’re our Greek chorus, always ready to point out the cast’s lack of self-awareness, whether it’s a montage of every moment Sandoval got emotional during the entire run of the series, Kristen’s seasonal psychotic breaks, or the 48 tequila shots Schwartz took in Mexico leading him to wander off to a completely different hotel. Editors, we thank you for your service.

Of course, there are far too many gems that could’ve been included, but I have a day job and some semblance of a life. What underrated Vanderpump Rules moments did I miss (other than “Suck a dick,” “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it” and “I don’t know what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio”—none of those are underrated). Let me know in the comments!

Images: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; Giphy (4); Tenor (2); Adderall and Compliments (2); badgalriri / Instagram

Our Predictions For ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Season 8

Do you love Bravo? Of course you do, you’re reading this article. We just launched @bravobybetches, your new favorite account for Bravo memes, gossip, and behind-the-scenes sh*t. Follow @bravobybetches now!

Somebody tell Santa that he can cancel Christmas, because I’ve already gotten the perfect gift. Bravo just announced that Vanderpump Rules season 8 is scheduled to premiere on January 7, 2020 and I can’t imagine a better way to ring in a new decade than with an extra 10 pounds on my waistline and a middle-aged wait staff struggling to remember if they cheated on each other on my TV screen. And Bravo dropped the trailer on Friday! Andy Cohen, you’re too good to me. Based on what we know, it looks like this is going to be (to borrow a phrase from real life angel, Chris Harrison) the most dramatic season EVER. And I’m not basing this solely on the trailer—oh no, there has been sh*t going down during this off-season. We’re talking social media unfollows, vaguely negative comments, and people not showing up at parties. This is LEGIT. So, I’m going to gather up all this evidence, call myself Veronica Mars, and piece this season together for you.

The Witches Of WeHo Break Up

Rumors have been brewing (get it, because they’re witches? Sorry, I hate myself too) that Katie, Kristen, and Stassi have been having problems lately. Back in October, Stassi confirmed those rumors on her podcast by saying, “If taking a break from someone is a b*tch move and makes me nasty, then I don’t give a f*ck.” Wow. Way to sound like a passive-aggressive ex-girlfriend airing her grievances on Facebook, Stassi. Kristen also confirmed that they had a falling out, saying she doesn’t really know why it happened (classic Kristen, she was probably blacked out during the fight). Whatever happened, Kristen, I bet a hundred bucks you were chain smoking and calling someone the c-word when it went down! 

In the trailer, we see a very brief snippet of a fight between the women. In it, Katie says that Kristen is being obnoxious. Fair. Kristen says Katie is being a b*tch. Also fair. To be honest, with personalities like that, it’s a miracle any of these people ever have friends.

It looks like some of the cast could be patching things up, though, because Brittany just posted an Insta story of a bunch of them on their way to the People’s Choice Awards, and Kristen was there.

VPR cast

It seems like Stassi may be the last holdout, because she wasn’t with them last night (she was in New York), and she hasn’t posted a picture with Kristen since July.

 

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It’s the f*cking California Wine (Mixer) Festival!

A post shared by Stassi Schroeder (@stassischroeder) on

And is it just me or does that picture appear coerced for the sake of their wine business? Which leads me to my most important question, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WINE? I need answers, Andy. Mediocre Pinot Grigio is at stake!

Jax And Sandoval Are Also Feuding

Back in August, E! News reported that Jax unfollowed a number of his co-stars, including Sandoval, Ariana, Kristen, and Scheana. This must have happened after his wedding to Brittany, because the Toms were co-best men at the event. So what is up between the old (very old, Jax is 40! Don’t think I’d forget to bring that up) friends? 

In the trailer, we see a fight between the two men, with Sandoval screaming, asking if Jax even knows him at all. He’s near tears, with nary a dog in sight to dry them. It’s rough.

sandoval dog tears

According to, once again, E! News, the fight was over Lance Bass (!!!!) officiating Jax and Brittany’s wedding. Apparently Tom and Ariana claimed Jax only picked Lance because he is a celebrity, and for some reason are taking issue with that. Well, first of all, who wouldn’t want a celebrity officiating their wedding? Second of all,  it’s 2019, not 2001, so I think that the word “celebrity” is a little generous for Lance Bass. And third of all, let’s not act like you all aren’t after fame, mmkay. I say they rip off their chunky cardigans, fight it out in a parking lot, and move on. 

The New People Bring The Cheating Drama

Since a lot of our OGs are pretty solidly coupled up (except Kristen *insert evil laugh*), it’s up to the new cast members to bring the cheating drama. Based on the preview, it looks like Dayna has drama with Max. He says he’s interested in her, but she seems to think he is exclusively dating someone else. Later in the preview, Max accuses Brett of having feelings for Dayna. Am I getting these people right? If I’m mixing them up, my apologies, but also can Bravo apologize for casting two dudes that look identical? It makes me thankful for the days of Sandoval’s Flock of Seagulls hairdo, because at least he couldn’t be confused with anyone except a time traveler from 1982. 

I attempted to do some Instagram digging for you all and get some answers, but Brett exclusively posts pictures of himself in varying states of undress, and Dayna and Max appear to have kept their love lives off the platform. Gotta stay tight-lipped about those storylines to get a contract renewal, I guess! 

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Follow your frickin dreams betch || #basicbetch #fakegucci #hotgirlssummer #notLA #wegotthattwang #corndogs #imsoLA #brettisLAtoo

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^^Max and Brett together, so I guess they’re not actually the same person

Scheana Continues To Try To Be The Bachelorette

People write in asking Reality Steve if Scheana is going to be the Bachelorette as often as I tell myself “the diet starts tomorrow.” His answer is always a variation on “Hell no, I just snorted Sprite out of my nostrils in response,” but that’s not for lack of trying. Last season we saw Scheana attempt to recreate her Bachelorette fantasy with human Ken doll Robbie Hayes, which had about as much chemistry as a dog on a date with a lamp. And back in September, Bustle reported that she was getting cozy with DeMario Jackson, although they are both claiming they’re just friends.

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Boo 👻

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Stop trying to make The Bachelorette happen, Scheana, it’s never going to happen! What I don’t understand is that she’s on a reality show now that she gets to be on EVERY season. Why does she desperately want to be on a show with an expiration date? Although, she was basically non-existent in this trailer, so perhaps it is time for her to look for another job…

There Are Way Too Many People On This Show

Okay, so this is less of a prediction and more of a fact, but I feel like Vanderpump Rules season 8 is truly a challenge to the show’s video editors, to see how many people they can squeeze into one credit sequence. So many cast members and yet still no Peter. When will he get his due? Justice for Peter!!

And that’s what’s going to happen on Season 8 based on the trailer, social media, and gossip! You’re welcome for my hard work, and I think we can all agree that if there’s one thing we know for SURE about this upcoming season, it’s that Brittany is my spirit animal.

Can’t wait for January!

Images: Giphy (2); issamaximillian, scheana/Instagram; Bravo

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Season 7 Reunion Part 3 Recap: C U Next Season

What’s up bitches, what’s up hoes. What’s up witches, what’s up WeHoes. I’m sure I have used that intro at some point in the past four seasons, but I don’t f*cking care because I’m running out of ways to say “Hey fellow sufferers of this weird brand of Bravo-induced Stockholm Syndrome, thank you for tuning in to yet another one of my rage blackouts!”

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m slightly drunk and ready to rip into these hypocrites. I can’t believe the season is over already. On the one hand, it feels kind of short. On the other hand, I have aged 85 years. My friends and family want me to stop talking about Vanderpump Rules. My doctor is concerned about the effect it appears to have on my cholesterol. I’ve been unable to hold down a relationship. Okay, none of that sh*t is true (except the relationship part), but I’m saying it for effect. And that’s why you guys are still here. I am Cady Heron and Vanderpump Rules is my Regina George.

We open this reunion with a retrospective of the pile-on of James Kennedy, and James storming out. While James is out of the room, Lisa tells Kristen to take a breath because she’s not doing herself any favors. Andy even reiterates to Kristen that she’s jumping in at every single question . Lisa goes backstage to tell James that he needs to pull himself together and stand up for himself. Meanwhile, Katie and Stassi are lamenting over how hated Katie is, and neither seem to understand why. I would insert some snarky line about why Katie is so obviously hated, but you know what? One snarky line would not suffice. Katie, if you really don’t understand why people are not fawning over you co-opting the #MeToo movement to get someone you don’t like fired, then read my recaps 1-20.

Lala comes in with perhaps the only reasonable statement: Guys, we’ve got to stop talking about people’s parents. You know what? If we’re going to create boundaries, this seems like a fine place to start.

Andy can’t take the heat anymore and switches topics to Lala’s anxiety. Even with Sandoval outing James’s coke habit, we are still going to pretend like Lala wasn’t on molly the night before she had a panic attack in Mexico. Damn, and here I was thinking we had made progress.

Andy holds no punches and says “Scheana, you said the gang has been up Lala’s ass since her dad died and she can do no wrong. Are there other examples of that besides her not wanting to make out with you?” Scheana honestly took this very diplomatically and basically admitted that she was being insecure and felt like Lala didn’t appreciate their friendship. Okay, you know what? I’ll say it. I like Scheana this season. Yeah, she can be annoying, and thirsty, but at the end of the day, she sides with people not out of blind loyalty, but her own moral compass, and she at least attempts to understand why she is criticized and changes her behavior accordingly when she is in the wrong. That’s more than I can say for pretty much anyone else on this show, except Stassi, but only when she loses advertisers.

Why did Andy pronounce CON-troversy like con-TROH-ver-see? In any case, they are talking about the Mexico trip and James getting uninvited from it.

Schwartzy is being so Schwartzy, like, “I guess I got scared and blamed the invite on Sandoval!” and everyone is like “awwwww Schwartzyyyy it’s okay!” and we all move on. Typical Schwartzy. Will this man ever face consequences for his actions??

Andy asks James why he would want to even go to Mexico given that everyone in the group hated him at that time, and you guys. You f*cking guys. I can’t even handle it. Like, I need to watch James’s response, soak it all up, then come back. Because in the most measured, detached, accurate way, he just reads everyone and their sh*tty abroad behavior for filth. And NOBODY acknowledges it! They all just stare back at him blankly. James is a f*cking unsung hero. 

Holyyyyy shit, we finally get the James vs. Katie reckoning when Andy asks Schwartz if he admits that Katie has said equally bad things to the others as James. That was a f*cked up syntax; let’s just go with it. Then we get a montage of Katie’s greatest (read: lowest hits), which include calling Lala a whore to her face, telling Schwartz about how his penis doesn’t work, etc. Schwartz, basically at the threat of murder, that Katie said bad things in the past but she’s a changed person. Katie, STILL F*CKING BLIND TO HER OWN PAST ACTIONS, says, “do not f*cking compare me to him. Ever.”

But you have very similar behavior patterns…

Andy asks Katie why her go-to insult of Schwartz is to say sh*t about his penis. If nothing else, we learn that Schwartz is a grower and not a shower, which honestly seems on brand for him.

After the break, Beau comes to the reunion and is the only guest so far to be met with a round of applause.

We learn that Patrick cheated on Stassi and she found texts between him and some model, and she never told anyone because she was too embarrassed to tell everyone about it. Beau claims he never watched the show before he started dating Stassi, which I barely believe.

Apparently Kristen and Beau were in some random weird-ass film 12 years ago, and they kissed in the film. I wonder how she even thought to hit Beau up to introduce him to Stassi? How’d that go? “Hmm there was this guy I kissed in a weird indie film over a decade ago… but I bet he’d be into my friend.”

Beau admits that mixing alcohol and Adderall makes Stassi into a monster. I am here for this upper-acknowledgment culture this reunion.

We segue into the whole Stassi “dark passenger thing,” and it’s whatever, but I don’t love Beau basically saying that these are Stassi’s insecurities coming out and it’s her issue to deal with alone. I don’t really agree. This is your partner. These should be issues you tackle together, no?

Stassi resolves to stop taking Adderall, and she and Beau both claim that Stassi’s behavior has immediately changed.

Growth

Yes I’m aware I use this gif in every recap, thank you very much!

Apparently Stassi’s mom told Kristen that she hopes Stassi grows up to be half the woman Kristen is. WHAT?? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do you guys have approximately four hours? Because that’s how long I need to dissect just how f*cked up and inaccurate of a statement that is.

From that, we do a total side-step to talk about the boys’ night at the Mondrian hotel. First off, props to the Mondrian PR team for getting all those mentions. Brittany makes a comment about lighting Jax’s balls on fire if she would have caught them in the hotel room with those random girls. Sweet, innocent Brittany, lighting Jax’s balls on fire?

Andy asks Kristen why she was so triggered by James DJing at Pump. Kristen says she’s still affected by it. James, in typical James fashion, says “get over it. Get over it. I’m not in your life anymore, you need to get the f*ck over it.” He’s right, but like, he said that with no tact.

Stassi claims Kristen is not obsessed with James.

All of us: 

Sure Jan

Stassi tries to basically stick up for Kristen and say that she thought that her breakdown wasn’t really about James. But Kristen claims that it was! Kristen, you gotta take the Ws where you can.

Kristen says she and Carter broke up, basically, because he was freeloading off her. Kristen still stands by her statement that if she were to get married to anyone, it would be to Carter. Girl, what? She is still living with Carter because their dog got mauled by a pit bull. They had sex twice? Girl…. Girl…. What???

Guys, I’m sorry, I just can’t even process this and snark on it at the same time. Is “to snark on” a verb? Probably not. Whatever.

Yooo, holy sh*t. Okay. Kristen has a breakdown and starts crying because Stassi and Katie are too annoyed by her so she feels like she can’t go to them for support. Yikes. She says she sits at home alone and cries about it.

girl you ok

Katie of all f*cking people tells Kristen she’s settling for something that doesn’t make her happy. Kristen says over and over “your type of love doesn’t work for me.” That sounds like a phrase that was cherry-picked by Kristen’s therapist, and here’s why it’s bullsh*t: your friends, if they want what’s best for you, should point out situations where you are ultimately hurting yourself. If that’s not what you want to hear? Too f*cking bad. You NEED to hear it. Saying “your type of love doesn’t work for me” very directly translates to “you challenging my harmful behaviors doesn’t suit me because it’s forcing me to grow.” Sorry Kristen, too damn bad.

For once, I’m gonna say that Katie is right. After hearing about how sh*tty Carter is for the past two years, of course Katie is not going to like him. Of course she’s going to encourage Kristen to leave him. And she is more than justified in having an opinion when Kristen has spent the past two years venting to her about Carter. Sucks that Katie’s opinion isn’t in line with what Kristen wants to hear, but those are the breaks.

Speaking of breaks, after the next one, we revisit Schwartz and Katie’s fight in Mexico. Andy f*cking goes in on Schwartz and all the terrible things he said about Katie. But tbh I forgot that Schwartz used the word “cacophony,” and hearing it again made me laugh out loud and immediately absolve him of all wrongdoing. Andy starts delving into the fight, before realizing he doesn’t get paid enough to precede over Katie and Tom’s marriage counseling session, so we quickly switch topics.

Whoaaaa Andy asks Kristen if she thinks Tom and Ariana did anything inappropriate when they were together. Holy sh*t, Andy really is out for blood, digging up dirt from like, five seasons ago. Kristen says “yeah, and I’m really glad that they did because I love them together.” Ariana is now saying she and Tom kissed in a pool in Vegas. But I thought the infamous makeout was at Coachella??? 

Brittany has 12 bridesmaids. Damn, I don’t even know 12 people. Lala was eventually made a bridesmaid because Brittany felt bad (read: wanted more rides on the PJ).

Jax still claims he lived with Channing Tatum. All I want is for Channing to confirm or deny this rumor.  Will not rest until we get an answer!

Andy brings up Lisa comparing Jax to Ken. Jax and Brittany are thrilled (Brittany even claps), before Andy steps in to be like, “no, that wasn’t a compliment. She was saying you’re both dirty dogs.”

Andy brings up Scheana and Adam’s fight at the engagement party. Scheana admits that she met that model dude at WWHL in LA. Andy is gobsmacked. Holy sh*t, Andy asks Scheana if she still thinks Botox makes her look 26, and Scheana says yes. Andy, the messy bitch he is, says he thinks Botox makes people look older!! Andy! Soooo messy.

Apparently Scheana gave Adam the penguin, and he basically forgave her. Adam is supposedly not dating anyone, and Scheana is dating other people. Damn Scheana, how do I get me one of those arrangements? And Adam has since gone down on her! Thank god. Nobody wants dry-ass sex, gentlemen.

So we revisit Jax treating Brittany’s family like sh*t. Apparently Britany yelled at Jax about it, and Jax actually… acknowledges his behavior was out of line??

what is happening

Lol Jax pretends not to remember saying that he bought Brittany’s brother a baby. After the amnesia excuse doesn’t fly, Jax goes to the next tool in his manipulation playbook: “Well, I don’t have a family.” Another lie! The way this plays out with Andy not taking Jax’s sh*t is poetic.

Jax: Well, I don’t have a mom and dad.
Andy: No, you do have a mom.

Then Andy asks if Jax’s mom is invited to the wedding. At this time, it’s still up in the air. Bleak. So, finally, we get to the crux of the issue: Jax and Brittany were already planning to see Jax’s dad before he passed away. That’s got to be extremely hard. Jax breaks down crying, because she’s upset that his mom didn’t tell him to get on a plane to see his dad to say goodbye. Now everyone is crying. Ugh, great, now I’m crying. Except James is texting. Holy sh*t, what a monster. Stassi tries to tell him to have some respect, basically, and James tells her to shut the f*ck up.

Even Andy tells James he’s being wrong and nasty to Brittany, when even when Jax has trashed Raquel, she has never said a bad word about Raquel. I’m going to need to roll the puppy party tapes to verify if that’s true, but the sentiment there is more or less accurate. For the most part, Brittany does not partake in trash talking other people (who aren’t James).

At this point, everyone is tired. They’re over it. And even Lisa tells James that if he doesn’t shape the f*ck up, he’s going to lose any support he had. I agree that he’s really leaning into this cartoon villain persona he’s created for himself. That’s going to make redemption with the cast damn near impossible.

On that note, Andy asks James what’s in store for him. He says he’s working on his DJing. Lol. Selling out more restaurants?

Andy asks Schwartz how he felt about everyone not agreeing with Katie, and Schwartz basically tells the haters to suck his classic d*ck. I’ll pass, but thanks.

We end the season with Mamaw’s beer cheese (if that ever comes to fruition or a store near me, I will chop off my own foot and eat it) and Peter coming in with blow job shots. Seems weirdly fitting.

And that’s it for this season! We had some highs, a lot of lows, even more finger-pointing, and plenty of hypocrisy. I’m calling it now that Stassi and Beau will get engaged this summer during filming, and it will be the subject of VPR season 9. Mark my words!

Images: Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Playing The Penis Flute

I just want you all to know that I am writing this week’s Betches Vanderpump Rules recap from my Airbnb at Coachella, which is both a humble brag and a message to you that I am really putting on for my fans. So don’t ever say I don’t care!

Last week, Beau felt battered, Schwartz’s check bounced, nobody wanted to come to Raquel’s puppy party, and Raquel doesn’t know who Charles Manson is (and presumably doesn’t have Google). I also want to take the time to say that while on the west coast, I visited both Sur and Pump! The drinks at Sur were good (I got a $7 vodka cocktail with muddled strawberries during happy hour, which would have regularly been $14), the goat cheese balls were very overrated, and the calamari was exactly what you’d expect from calamari. The decor was also impossibly cheesy and we sat next to a fake birdcage that existed for unknown reasons. At Pump, however, I got dinner (a burger—it did its job), but the service was abysmal. I practically had to hunt down the waiter’s friends and family in order to get him to finally give us our check.

Anyway! Back to the recap.

We open with a very overly produced scene about the gang at Sur coming around corners and yelling “CORNER!” to prove they work there. Methinks the ladies doth protest too much.

We learn that after “taking” See You Next Tuesday from James (really, all she did was organize a replacement for an event that was already DOA), Katie decides she doesn’t want to “be a club promoter,” and for that reason, she doesn’t want to make Girl’s Nights a regular occurrence. It’s too much work for her, apparently, on top of her fake beauty blog business. This is just twisting the knife in James’s already salted wound.

James goes to Sandoval and Ariana’s place, where Sandoval is playing a penis flute. Unfortunately that’s not a metaphor for him blowing Schwartz—it’s actually what is happening.

James sh*t talks the Mexico trip, like he never wanted to go in the first place. You know, how you reject a guy and then he says “f*ck you bitch, I never liked you anyway, you’re fat and ugly”? Exactly like that. James accurately predicts that Schwartz and Katie probably fought the whole time in Mexico, but calls them a “fat old married couple”. Wow, fatness really is his go-to insult, huh? I’ve got to wonder why he is so preoccupied with other people’s weight.

Sandoval and Ariana break the news that James isn’t DJing at Brunch with Billie. But didn’t Lisa already tell him? Also, why are Ariana and Sandoval the ones to tell him this? Should that not be Lisa’s job?

James: This is bullsh*t *leaves the apartment, slamming the door*
Also James, 2 seconds later: No you know what? I just think it’s funny how…

They try to explain to James that since he’s f*cked up before, he’s under a microscope. Unlike everyone else who has f*cked up: Jax, Katie, Lala… hmm.

Stassi is shooting the cover of her book, which I interviewed her about, so that’s coming soon. That’s all I’m gonna say on that.

I guess I’ve kind of missed Stassi’s whole “dark passenger” thing. Is that like, her terrible person alter ego? Should she like… see someone about that? I feel like she should see someone about that. And by someone I mean a mental health professional, not some voodoo wizard, which is what happens later in the episode. I guess I should have been more specific in my earlier advice.

Katie of all people is talking to Beau about self-sabotaging. AND KATIE OF ALL PEOPLE talks about how if Stassi keeps lashing out, she’s going to end up losing the love of her life. I will just frame that irony and let it sit there for y’all. These jokes write themselves at this point, and for that, I am thankful.

Jax and Brittany return to fake therapy, where Brittany brings up that she still has some trust issues. Issues trusting a serial cheating sociopath? I can’t imagine why. Jax says flippantly that she yells at Brittany because “she’s just there”. Sounds like a healthy relationship.

Jax: I’m not saying ‘well I’ve changed! I’m doing better for myself’
Also Jax every single episode before that: I’ve changed, I’m a new person
Everyone Jax has come into contact with: Jax is changed, he’s a new person
Me:

Kristen and Ariana are getting drinks together, which everyone including Sandoval recognizes is very weird. Ariana tells Kristen that it’s the 5 year anniversary of her dad’s death, and Kristen full-on grief tourists this and kind of makes it about her. But I applaud Kristen for acknowledging that she was acting like an asshole and was super selfish back then. Which is more than most of these degenerates can say!

I hate that we get back from commercial break and we are playing Lala’s song, because it means she is getting ready for her show, while she is wearing a shirt of her own face. Confidence goals, or peak narcissism? Lala claims she has cameras set up to live stream the performance because record labels are tuning in. Somehow I doubt that, and by “somehow” I mean “because they are in Los Angeles where most record labels are based and they could easily send someone, an intern or somebody, if they actually wanted to see Lala’s performance.” But how could I forget she is charting on iTunes!

Everyone starts arriving, and don’t think I didn’t notice Jax announcing that he’s ready to celebrate because he finally had a solid poop. Nothing gets past me!

Randall isn’t making it to the party because he can’t contractually be seen with Lala on camera he’s taking his daughters to the Bahamas. But sure, tell me again how supportive he is.

Scheana has somehow inserted herself as a part of Lala’s entourage. Her big contribution is telling Lala to wear a blazer unbuttoned with just a bra underneath. Classic Scheana.

Lala: This show is important to me because I’m releasing a song I wrote about my dad.
Lala at that very moment: *takes her blazer off to reveal just her bra*

I’m just saying if my dad died and I honored him by wearing only a bra in public, he would smite me down from that stage. But Lala does dedicate the song to Jax and Ariana, which is sweet.

Lala and Stassi actually have an honest conversation about alcohol and how it turns Stassi into a monster. This is approaching something towards enlightenment. Then again, there is a whole chapter in Stassi’s book dedicated to how to drink from 10am continuously onto 11pm. Yes, really.

Ariana and Sandoval talk about the moment that Ariana’s dad died, and it’s kind of funny because they’re both trying to act like they didn’t have feelings for each other at that point. It’s not a big deal, you don’t need to rewrite history! We all know what we saw! My favorite moment is probably Ariana saying, through tears, “let’s take a shot for my dad.”

James and Raquel’s puppy party is happening, apparently. So far Raquel’s mom and sister (who look identical) are there. Scheana comes with Adam, probably at knifepoint, Billie comes with Brad, and Graham poops in the middle of the floor. A strong metaphor.

Tom and Ariana do come, along with Peter, who promptly gets hit on by Raquel’s mom.

Actual footage of Raquel’s mom:

Cool mom

Back at Sur where the gang is working their one required shift per season, Lala pulls Scheana aside to tell her that she has a serious problem with alcohol. She admits her anxiety attack in Mexico was 100% driven by alcohol and uppers. She does the most mature thing anyone has ever done in the history of this show and says she can’t mess with alcohol, and this has to be a lifestyle change for her. And you know what, good for Lala. They should all probably be doing the same thing. Lala is all of us, crying, pledging to give up alcohol, dropping some emotional revelation, and then saying “I’m on my period too so this is probably why I’m so upset.” Literally me after I cry about my lack of love life and listen to Khalid’s new album on repeat for four hours. What? Who said that?

Katie and Schwartz drive to the bank to pull out the money Lisa needs for the investment IN CASH. This is literally so typical Schwartzy because instead of actually just doing what is asked to him, he decides to do some unnecessary grand gesture that he saw in a movie that’s clearly just going to make him seem even more immature. Like, why not just get a cashier’s check like a normal adult, that way you don’t have to look over your shoulder for stray muggers? Then again, I doubt Schwartz even knows what those are.

Katie is taking Stassi to see “the oracle of Los Angeles”—I guess there’s only one. I suppose getting your demons literally exorcised is one way to avoid going to therapy. Full disclosure, I am in no way into this type of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo, so I may just skip recapping that part of the episode altogether.

Just kidding, I live to please! And also I’ve been stuck at LAX for the past five hours because Jet Blue kept delaying my flight. LAX is a hellscape and Jet Blue Airlines is Hades. Please send your thoughts and prayers.

Anyway, yeah, so Schwartz is going to hand deliver a briefcase full of cash to Lisa, imagining himself as James Bond, which definitely does not convince me that he is a legitimate and responsible business owner. Schwartz literally rolls up to interrupt Lisa and Ken’s dinner by saying “I wanted to show you that I’m serious” *opens up a briefcase of cash*. Oh, and I’m just now noticing that there are handcuffs on the briefcase for some reason—and I notice that because he handcuffs Lisa to the briefcase.

What, and I cannot stress this enough, the f*ck.

Stassi goes up to the Oracle of Los Angeles’s house, and she’s dressed exactly like I would have thought the Oracle of Los Angeles would. This bitch would fit right in at Coachella. Is she gonna be there weekend two?

I literally STILL can’t believe that Stassi’s solution to dealing with her anger issues is to see a f*cking oracle. Also hearing Katie tell Stassi that if things aren’t going her way it just becomes an issue where everyone is the bad guy is the craziest, richest, most hypocritical soundbite I have ever heard in my life.

Me to Katie:

The Oracle picks up a framed photo of Stassi and Beau and says “it looks like there’s a lot of love between you.” Yeah, no sh*t, lady, you picked up a PicStitch of their most couple-y photos. If I buy a tiny penis statue and state the obvious, can I be an Oracle too? If it means I can go back to Coachella, I’m there. I’m sure there is some overarching meaning behind the multiple penis motifs this episode, but I am far too sleep-deprived to try to find it.

Yeah I mean so this is totally not going to work at all and I’m sure the next time Stassi takes tequila shots she is going to lash out at Beau. Why? Because this is hocus pocus bullsh*t!

Me to the Oracle: 

McLovin

Well, I missed the ending because I totally zoned out because this is all pointless anyway. Whatever! See you all next week!

Images: Bravo (3); Giphy (4)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Yellow Robe Smith

Goooooood morning Los Angeles!!! I am back for another Betches Vanderpump Rules recap, and I promise I will not pull another stunt like I did last week. Reading all your kind words really inflated my ego touched my heart, and so I will dutifully be here to report on the undertakings of these fake waiters and waitresses until the end of… the season, at least. I can’t promise until the end of time; I’ve got to protect my sanity at some point! Anyway, last week, we ended right smack in the middle of Schwartz and Katie’s fight. All I could think of was Sandoval a few seasons ago, dressed in drag, screaming about Schwartz, “look at him! He’s a f*cking battered wife!”

Also, full disclosure, I wanted to make the title of my recap last week “Katie Is An Emotional Terrorist”, but I figured she might see it and get upset and rage text one of my coworkers. So I’m putting it here for you all to enjoy as a fun little Easter egg, with the hope that she doesn’t read my recaps!

Anyway, this week we start right back in the middle of Schwartz and Katie’s argument. Schwartz calls Katie a “disaster of a human being” which isn’t a good thing to say to your wife but also isn’t a lie. And herein lies the problem: Schwartz asks Katie why she can’t just tell him that she’s upset, and her reply? “I don’t wanna have to tell you!” Look, Schwartz may know how to use the word “cacophony” correctly, but he’s no mind reader. Cut the poor dude a break.

And with that, Schwartz’s two lifetime minutes of standing up for himself are over, and he rolls over with a resigned “Bubbaaa” and plays dead. He’s finally able to elicit an “I” statement out of Katie before she rolls over, clearly exhausted from expressing her feelings like a mature adult one time.

Kristen announces that this is going to be a freakout-free vacay, so I’m starting my stopwatch now to see how long it is before she blows a gasket. Anyone care to place a wager? I’ll say five on-screen minutes.

Lala talks about how she’s in a good mindset and she can drink on this trip, so clearly we have very different ideas of what a healthy mindset is. Just a quick refresher to her aforementioned “healthy mindset” which was anywhere from 2 weeks to a few days ago:

Brittany is still in major key denial, claiming that if she drinks tequila straight-up it won’t irritate her potential ulcer. Hearing Jax tell Britt that he just wants to be healthy, and that he’s not going to tell her not to drink because she’s a big girl, is making me question my entire existence and every opinion I’ve had this season. Jax being concerned about someone besides himself? Jax not forcing his significant other to do or not do something?? Has…. Jax…. really…. Changed?????

*slaps self*

It can’t be.

Kristen decides to make an announcement about how she’s going to drink but not get wasted, and the response is a resounding “Cool, Hansel.” She has a good point, because this group really does only get in fights when they’re all wasted, but unfortunately Kristen is not the correct person to deliver this message. However, truly none of the people in this group are the proper people to deliver a message of drinking in moderation.

On the other end of the table, Jax is talking about how he still believes Kristen and James hooked up on the last trip, and swears “on his father” that he believes it. The yikes writes itself.

Ariana and Lala approach the bar, and Lala puts one hand in the air and yells “Holaaaa!” to the innocent kitchen staff for no apparent reason, which feels like an appropriate harbinger of things to come. Ariana is the only true friend in this group, because she’s actually concerned for Lala and makes a point to bring up to her that her actions could cause her to lose friends and her job. Lala is too deep into her fake hip-hop persona to give a sh*t, though. Her excuses for acting the way she did? “If you’re going to act like a c*nt, I’m gong to be a c*nt back” and “I know I’m being rude, but guess what? I’m. Not. Sorry.” Funny, I recall Tupac saying the same thing.

You know what, though? Why should Lala be sorry? She’s getting more screen time, and she’s cemented herself as the most A-list member of the group, minus perhaps Stassi. Being contrite won’t get Lala more undeserved acting roles or makeup lines. Does that make it right? Absolutely not. But like, what’s the point of me sitting here pointing out how f*cked-up it is? You guys all know she’s in the wrong, and I’m starting to feel that me playing moral police with these radioactive garbage humans who are incapable of feeling remorse is not getting me anywhere but a fast track to hypertension.

So that’s that. Lala describes the difficulty of losing her dad as follows: “I have a family who has one less family member. And we liked that family member,” and suddenly, I know how I want to be eulogized.

Ariana breaks down, telling Lala about how the summer people accused her of hooking up with Sandoval was the same summer her dad died, which adds a new dimension of darkness. I kind of feel bad for constantly putting forth the theory that she and Tom did way more than make out at Coachella (even if I do still think it is true). Lala basically refuses to ever chill the f*ck out, saying “everyone grieves how they need to grieve.” It’s an accurate sentiment, but I don’t think it was meant as a carte blanche to act like a complete asshole.

Later that night, the gang wants to go skinny dipping, but Stassi doesn’t want to because she’s too tired. Is this growth, or just growing older? The gang breaks into a “puke, and rally, puke puke and rally” chant, and it’s actually the most wholesome feel-good moment of the episode. What does that say about these people, or myself for that matter? I really did love that chant.

The second wholesome feel-good moment of this episode is Schwartz and Sandoval giving a fake medicine commercial for tequila’s abilities to cure FOMO.

In a move that should surprise no one, when the girls go skinny dipping, Lala is the only one who is fully naked in the ocean.

The next day, the gang goes ATV-ing, which of course Sandoval set up. They probably didn’t have any bulldozers they could drive, so he settled for the next best thing. Every time they drive by a run-of-the-mill farm animal, they shout out “It really IS Jurassic Park!” Um. Y’all know that was about dinosaurs, right?

Sandoval is being a great Instagram boyfriend and taking thirst trap pictures of Scheana so she can literally threaten Adam at knifepoint to like them. That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works!

After a fakeout where Jax pretends to still have feelings for Stassi, he feels motivated to give Stassi relationship advice. He tells her to pick and choose her battles and basically not be a huge bitch to Beau because he’s nice. His argument basically is that while assholes like Patrick and Jax deserved to get treated like sh*t by Stassi, Beau does not deserve that, a sentiment that will be echoed a few more times this episode by Beau, in tears. Again… Jax … is not… wrong????

Back at the hotel, Lala answers the door wearing a shirt that says “Daddy” on the back. If I could reach through the TV and burn it, you know I would. If I could go back in time and create the designer of that shirt from ever being born, you know I’d do that too.

For some reason, Kristen has been trying to liken herself to various animals in Spanish, all episode—she calls herself a giraffe and a butterfly. Kristen is that girl who took high school Spanish and failed out but still insists on saying “grassy-ass” and “por favor” to the host at every Mexican restaurant she goes to.

Anyway. The girls are drinking out of baby bottles. I really wish they would let that go, but I guess if Lala’s actions didn’t deeply disturb me at least once per episode, we wouldn’t have a show, now would we? Scheana tells Kristen that Jax is still talking sh*t about last year’s #PillowGate. Lala eggs Kristen on by more or less telling her that if someone was saying that stuff about her, that individual would get popped. I paraphrase, but barely.

That night, the gang goes to some jungle club that honestly looks awesome and I need to know the name of it. Lala is literally crawling around on the floor as the gang takes bottle pulls to the face, and it’s at this point that Kristen decides it will be a good idea for confront Jax. First off, I need to point out that if Kristen or basically anyone else were crawling around on the floor, we would never hear the end of how trashy that person is. But I guess nobody here wants to f*ck up that private jet hookup. Katie, ever the good friend, tell Kristen it will be a good idea to do confront Jax when they are all drinking, probably so she can throw it in Kristen’s face for acting like a drunk mess later. God, I can’t deal with her.

In the theme of appropriating the #MeToo movement, Kristen uses the argument of how the guys get second chances for how Jax shouldn’t be spreading rumors about her maybe cheating on Carter? Her points are valid, but I’m not sure how the argument tracks. The thing is, for someone who wants everyone to stop calling her Crazy Kristen, she doesn’t appear to be doing all that much in terms of growth. She’s still bringing random bitches around to SUR to throw out cheating accusations. She’s still getting sloppy drunk.

Meanwhile Scheana is mad that Adam hasn’t responded to her thirst trap. Could this man make it any more clear that he’s not into her? Maybe he should rent a billboard.

Lala probably bribes the DJs to put on her sh*tty song. I’m shocked that the club doesn’t immediately empty out.

Stassi gets mad at Beau because he … suggested she have fun? Yeah, nothing is tracking here. The argument continues in the hotel room because Stassi wants Beau to want to be in bed at 3am with her. Beau feels “battered.” Let’s cue the gif of Sandoval again. Stassi is talking about how something is “explosive” and how she doesn’t want to go to sleep alone. Yeah, I really have no idea what is going on here. Beau starts crying, and now I’m crying in the club. And by “club” I mean on my couch as I type this. What can I say, I’m an empathetic crier! Stassi basically breaks down about how everyone has disappointed her in her life and Beau starts crying because he’s never done anything to make her not trust him. I mean, it’s true—I feel like Stassi is just projecting all her baggage onto poor unsuspecting Beau. That sucks.

Anyway, Ariana is blacked out and not making any sense, yelling about “yellow robe smith”, I think. Can anyone decode what the hell she’s talking about? If you can, I’ll send you an Amazon gift card.

The episode more or less ends there. Overall, kind of boring, but I do love a good drunk Ariana. Can’t wait for next week, when someone will, in Lala’s words, get popped!

Images: Giphy (3); Bravo

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: A Cacophony Of Katie

I used to be a dedicated member of LA Fitness in Atlanta. I would go nearly every day (to answer your question, yes, I looked amazing back then) and was cool with the people working there (shouts out Janelle and DeMario in the Ansley Mall LA Fitness if you’re reading this, I don’t know why you would be, but hi nonetheless). LA Fitness was great. I paid $30 a month and could use any club in the city. Things were awesome until I moved to New York and they wanted me to pay hundreds of dollars for a decidedly sh*ttier membership. So I cancelled. I’ve been in New York three years, and still, to this day, I will get emails from LA Fitness with the subject line, “Sara, we want you back!”

All that is to say, sometimes you need to cancel something in order to see if you’re wanted back.

Honestly, I didn’t think you guys enjoyed reading these recaps. The analytics seemed to point in that direction. But I was wrong. Thank you for commenting on my other article (that was not useless); thank you for texting your friends who are other Betches writers (you can leave Holly Gobetchy alone now). This recap is a few days late, but this is really just a special treat for you (and because I can’t watch this godforsaken show without stream-of-consciousness-ing my thoughts anymore, and my friends are sick of me texting them). So here we are: Vanderpump Rules recap season 7 episode 16.

The initial opening of TomTom is kind of a touching moment. The motorcycle has a great effect, although it remains to be seen why Sandoval couldn’t have just rented the damn thing, as opposed to dropping $18 grand on something he will likely only use once.

Inside the party, Scheana is predictably annoying by purposefully separating herself and Adam from the rest of the group, under the guise that they’re all couples and she and Adam are not a couple. The great thing about Scheana is that even when she’s doing the exact opposite of the thing everybody has told her is annoying, she still goes about it in the same exact way as when she was doing the insufferable thing. She will never learn. She will never do less, and that’s why she will never be back in this group.

Speaking of people who will never be back in this group, listening to Kristen attempt to compliment Lisa Vanderpump on TomTom, while she barely pretends to be listening, is sparking so much joy in me that I think I need to call Marie Kondo. Kristen might be half Lisa’s age, but dammit, she’ll assert dominance over her any chance she gets.

Brittany is me drinking on antibiotics, claiming everything will be fine if she blatantly disobeys her doctor’s orders because she’s avoiding citrus. Only in my case, it’s “because alcohol kills germs.” Jax does a good job playing the worried fiancé who is just looking out for Brittany’s health. I almost believe it. He should be put up for an Emmy.

In her best baby voice, Katie tries to shove her phone in Schwartz’s face and elicit some sort of reaction from him. He is about as bothered by his wife as Lisa is by Kristen’s attempts at getting back in her good graces. This sets the stage for Stassi revealing that Katie’s been feeling neglected in her marriage. It’s truly disappointing that all of Katie’s behavior can now be explained by the fact that she needs to get laid. I think I heard Gloria Steinem sigh somewhere in the distance.

Scheana asks Adam what he’ll do without her in Mexico, and he struggles to refrain from rattling off a laundry list of productive tasks he can now accomplish that he’s no longer chained in her basement. Scheana calls Adam her “person”, which shows that she is subconsciously incapable of not catching feelings for any guy who breathes in her direction, and that she does not understand the phrase “my person”. Honestly I think that phrase needs to be thrown into a fire forever, so I’m ok with this.

As she’s recounting her fight with Raquel and Billie at brunch, Lisa beckons her over to discuss precisely that. Let’s all pray for Lala because she has apparently suffered amnesia, and is unable to recall her yelling in Billie’s face and calling her a ho only yesterday.

Lala also claims she wasn’t aggressive despite almost poking Raquel’s eye out and calling her a Bambi-eyed bitch. She may pretend to forget, but we could never. THEN she lies about her altercation with James and claims she “behaved herself very nicely.”

Guys.

Lala’s off the deep end, watch as she dives in.

Lisa takes a page out of my camp counselor playbook and gets Scheana over to talk about what happened. Poor Scheana, she’s done for. She tells the truth, and says that Lala lost her mind and James handled himself without blowing up, and in so signs her own death certificate on her friendship with the rest of these girls. RIP.

Jax and Brittany are still fighting over the engagement party neither of them is paying for. Brittany’s redeeming moment this season comes when she says “This is not a democracy. It’s a Britt-ocracy” in regards to getting wildflowers. (I don’t have the bandwidth to make fun of Jax thinking wildflowers are weeds; the joke writes itself.) And suddenly, I can get behind this marriage. If this Brittany, this Britt-ocracy Brittany who won’t let Jax push her around on topics she clearly knows more about, holds her ground, then I think these two crazy kids will do just fine for their first marriage.

As Sandoval waxes poetic about his hat boxes, the prospect of an entire life with this man flashes before Ariana’s eyes.

Yes, girl. It is bleak.

At the airport, Lala of course has to bring up how she “can’t remember” the last time she flew commercial. Again, Lala should get her memory checked out. She can’t remember events from two years ago, and even the day before! Is there a doctor in the house? Or do they only fly private?

Scheana and Schwartz get randomly upgraded (*cough* by producers) to first class. Katie takes this as a personal affront because she and Schwartz couldn’t share their headphones together. I am currently writing her a ballad on the world’s smallest violin.

James is noticeably absent in Mexico, and he skipped the TomTom party. He hangs out with Max and Lisa Vanderpump, who acknowledges that he did a good job by not completely freaking out at Lala. She asks James how many beers he’s had—not just today, but since he started drinking. After trying to dodge the question at first, he says he’s had one beer. His dad apparently took him for a congratulatory beer, really pulling a Scheana season 4. Or 5, I can’t remember. You guys know what I’m talking about.

James’s excuse is that he and his dad went out for tacos, and tacos and beer go together like tea and crumpets.

Maybe if you were having a margarita, that would fly. But beers and tacos go together like grilled cheese and tomato. Like sure, you can have it, and it’s good and adds value, but it’s not necessary by any means.

Lisa has to explicitly tell James that you don’t reward someone with a drinking problem with an alcoholic beverage, and the fact that James doesn’t get that is probably why Lisa tells him, dramatically, “maybe your future isn’t at SUR.” I mean, yes. I don’t think anybody’s idea of a music career is DJing sh*tty brunches until the end of time, but I understand the note Lisa was trying to hit with that statement.

In Mexico, Lala has just gotten off the plane and is already pretending to rap and referring to herself in the third person. You could make a tortilla out of this girl, because she is CORNY.

Katie was apparently rage-texting Schwartz the whole flight. Simply because he did not sit with her. Even though if he had switched with Katie as she requested, they would have still been separated! Highlights from these texts included “Wowwwowwwoww”. Actually, that’s the only highlight. Any text that starts or ends in “Wowwowow” is not going to a good place.

Jax claims there are multiple places in his hotel suite where you can “feed the hog.” before I even ask it, a producer does it for me. I could have figured out from context clues, but it means banging. It’s truly the grossest euphemism for sex I’ve ever seen. Whose genitalia is the hog in this scenario? Do I even want to know? How can I return to a point in my life where I was blissfully unaware of this expression?

While everyone else enjoys beautiful Mexico, Schwartz and Katie are far from paradise. Katie does what my sister pulls on family vacations when she’s not getting her way, and acts like a complete emotional terrorist and refuses to let anyone be in a good mood because she herself is in a bad mood. She tells Schwartz she’s mad because she hasn’t seen him. Now, I don’t know where exactly in Mexico this group is, but I looked it up on Google, and flights from LAX to various airports in Mexico are AT MOST four and a half hours.

But it appears my in-depth journalism wasn’t necessary, because Schwartz clarifies that the flight was two and a half hours.

I really can’t recap the freakout, manipulation, and (dare I say?) gaslighting that is playing out between Katie and Schwartz. It seems like somebody has always got to be using their partner as an emotional punching bag on this show, and this season, Jax has passed that rusty torch to Katie. The only light in this otherwise dark, bleak display of a man being emotionally beaten down is Schwartz using the word “cacophony”, and using it correctly.

Katie has the nerve to call Tom “a little pathetic brain”, after he just used the word “cacophony” correctly, and in the heat of an argument, no less! Schwartz follows up by saying that Katie has the EQ of a 14-year-old. I have directed a search party in order to find the lie in Schwartz’s statement, but there is none to be found.

It’s at this point that I’m faced with a new feminist theory. I think I may end all my recaps this way from now on. I don’t know what it is about this show, but I couldn’t help but notice that this season, unlike in seasons past, the women are appropriating terms from the #MeToo movement, using them incorrectly to advance their own selfish agendas. Meanwhile, much of what we have seen is the women (Katie, Lala) acting abusive towards other women, but mainly the men bearing the brunt of that abuse (Schwartz, James). It is an interesting contrast (or at least it is to me). And it’s making me wonder: Are the Bravo producers Men’s Rights Activists looking to undermine women and undercut the #MeToo movement? Are they feminists seeking to bring a mirror to these women’s hypocrisy and misuse of the movement? Are they trolling us all, or are they simply letting the cameras roll, letting sh*tty people be sh*tty to each other, and I’m reading way too far into it?

You’re right, it’s definitely the last one.

Images: Giphy (2); Bravo

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: The Annual Birthday Meltdown

Hi friends! I’m taking over the Vanderpump Rules recap for two weeks while Sgt. Olivia Betchson is out living her best life. I’m so excited to be writing these recaps, but I have to be honest and say that I’m a recent VPR convert. After resisting for many years, I finally binged the show this summer, and realized just what I had been missing. And now I ask anyone who has gone remotely near LA if they’ve been to SUR. It’s cost me a lot of friends, but I do not regret it.

As a reminder, last week James Kennedy got fired from SUR yet again, Jax, Brittany, and their limited knowledge of business-ownership tried to start a beer cheese company, and Stassi and Ariana planned their first-ever joint birthday party where definitely nothing will go wrong and zero lives will be torn apart. Let’s begin!

We kick off the episode at Vanderpump Dogs aka my actual Heaven, where Lisa is enjoying a delicious dog biscuit with her tea. Rich people are weird, y’all. Our crew has all shown up to take pictures with their dogs to post on Instagram, which will somehow stop the torture of dogs in another country. A noble cause, and also how very smart of Lisa. All she had to do was whisper the words “more Instagram followers” in a dark corner of Villa Rosa and her staffers came running to support her.

Jax is telling everyone that James got fired, while barely managing to contain his glee. Dude, didn’t I just see you get fired last season? Talk about the ‘roided up pot calling the alcoholic kettle black, no?

Kristen upon hearing this news:

Then, “Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member” Raquel (What? That’s what it says on her IG) and James walk in. Man, this guy has no shame. I am literally a walking ball of shame at all times for like, saying hi a weird way, and these people will just saunter into the place of business of the woman who recently fired their *ss. It takes balls, I’ll give him that.

Lisa calls James over to talk and tells him that she’s going to tell his mommy he has a drinking problem. That statement made me feel like I want to throw up, and she’s not even tattling on me. I’m so nervous.

Ariana and Stassi sit down to talk about their birthday party, and call James over to disinvite him from it. Yet again, he claims that Katie is the one who got him fired! I cannot even find the words to say how pissed off this makes me! As my therapist would say, you are responsible for you, James, so stop acting like a b*tch baby. Okay, that last part is my own personal embellishment. After what is essentially the Red Wedding of West Hollywood, James decides to spare himself any more humiliation and leaves.

Next, we move on to Lala and Brittany getting a butt facial. Damn. I don’t even have enough money to get an actual facial, let alone one on my butt. In fact, I think I have exactly enough money for a pinky toe facial. Do they offer those? Side note: I do have to say that while Lala’s makeup is still bonkers and I hate it, I’m really feeling the brown hair on her.

Anddddd I immediately take that compliment back and remember why I often wish Lala would would disappear back to whatever plastic surgery clinic she crawled out of. Her “man” is, “an *ss man. A vagina man. A tit man. He’s just a man.”

Me:

Seriously though, why does she speak like this?

Stassi has Beau over for date night and they drink Aperol spritzes and eat meats and cheeses and talk about Italy. Okay wait, this might be my actual Heaven. No, I take it back. Put this date inside Vanderpump Dogs and now you have it!

Okay, this whole situation with Scheana and Adam is making me incredibly uncomfortable. Is she sexually harassing him? Is he interested in her at all? Is he stringing her along so that he can be on this show and make mad money promoting Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram for the rest of his life? WHO CAN SAY.

Cut to TomTom. Lisa is meeting James’ mom at an actual construction site. How lovely. It’s basically like, “Your son is an alcoholic and I fired him. Sorry you just sat on a nail. Will you be a dear and get me a cup of tea?”

Kidding! What actually happens is Lisa tells Jackie that she fired James because he has displayed a pattern of mistreating and demeaning women. Jackie tells Lisa that she’s all for  “the movement of women,” unless her son is the one treating women like sh*t, and then that’s totally fine. She then tells Lisa she was a bad mom and begs her to give James his Tuesday night gig back. No! I am shocked!! A woman who produced a misogynistic, alcoholic, reality star was a bad mom?! Say it isn’t so! I won’t believe it!

Tom and Tom head over to Lisa’s house to be her man servants, and they find her in the backyard clutching a tiny bird like she’s Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Fly away little bird! Fly away before you end up in her pocket!

While there, Lisa asks Sandoval to look out for James, which I’m sure will work out for everyone involved. I know they say you can’t see an ego, but I swear I just saw Sandoval’s inflate ten times when Lisa asked for his help. I’m basically like one of those apps that will tell you how large your gestating baby is, except for with egos.  “Congratulations, Tom Sandoval! Your ego is now officially the size of a cantaloupe. Soon you will reach watermelon status!”


Lisa gave Schwartzie ONE JOB and he used that opportunity to prove he doesn’t know how to count. Schwartz is lucky he is so loveable, because I’m pretty sure without that quality he would be playing video games in his mom’s basement right now. Hey Lisa, I can count and I’m willing to change my name to Tom! Wanna go in on a bar?

What do you guys think of this makeup right now? I know Stassi thinks they are beautiful ice queens, but to me they look like that guy in Union Square that’s painted silver and dressed like a robot and calls me a f*cking b*tch when I don’t throw money in his hat.

Brittany pulls Jax aside during the makeup session to tell him that Lala told her while they were getting their butt facials that Tom and Ariana don’t think Jax really changed. It was a very revealing moment. Get it? Because their butts were out. Sorry, I hate me too. Jax says that they’re just trying to tear him down because he’s doing better in life than them. Yes, that’s definitely it. A guy opening a bar named after him with Lisa Vanderpump is most definitely jealous of a nearly 40-year-old serial cheater who can’t make a drink more difficult than a glass of rosé. You hit the nail on the head, Jax.

Cut to James’ apartment, where Lisa shows up on his doorstep. He must have had warning she was coming, right? I don’t believe for one second his apartment is always that clean, I say as I stare at my exploded suitcase from Christmas break. Lisa speaks for all of us when she tells James that when he drinks he is a “rude, aggressive little prick.” PREACH, GIRL! You should see his Twitter, Lisa.

Party time. Is Schwartz dressed as Peter Pan? Personally I can think of no fictional character more perfect for Schwartz to be dressed as, and I’m ashamed I haven’t thought to call him Peter earlier. Oh wait, they’re saying he’s an elf on bath salts. Whatever. Tomato, tomahto, am I right?

WTF is on Sandoval’s head?!?!?!? This guy is more extra than anyone I ever met. And his contacts! Stop. Stassi actually does a butt shot this year (the cause of last year’s meltdown), and I’m feeling like this episode is very butt-centric. What part of the body will we focus on next week? I’m waiting with bated breath.

Lol of course Lala is dressed all in black. You always need a devil at a party with people dressed like ice angels. Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Raquel shows up, and Kristen immediately smells blood and starts circling her in the water.

Jax pulls over Tom of House Sandoval, Queen in the North and confronts him about the earlier sh*t talking he and Ariana did. I have no idea what is said in this conversation, because I’m pretty sure I just figured out that Tom’s eyes are the monsters in Bird Box. They are freaking me OUT.  Jax is lucky he escaped with his life. I think they hug it out and everything is fine, but I can’t be sure because I had to blindfold myself.

Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Raquel comes over and immediately starts problems. She’s praising James for not drinking since Pride, which happened about a minute ago. Bravo! Do they give out a chip for that, or just a pat on the back? Stassi starts getting heated and now I think we all know where this is going.

Shockingly, we are all spared a meltdown, despite the fact that practically everyone in this scene is double fisting.

Oh boy. I spoke too soon. At 1:49 AM Stassi decides it’s time to go to bed, and Beau is still at the party. Stassi immediately turns from ice angel into that woman that texted her ex 159,000 times and told him she’d make sushi out of his kidneys. Wait, was that actually Stassi? When she gets no answer, Stassi smashes her phone, and along with it all her hopes and dreams of a healthy relationship.

And that’s all! Tune in next week to see if Beau escapes with his balls!

Images: Bravo; Giphy (4)