Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 36-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love them so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V.
This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker got their first dangly earring. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram, where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Matt James’ season is in my highlights). And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor Post-Game Show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.
Michelle Young is a 28-year-old kindergarten teacher from Minneapolis who is BELOVED by the audience. This is a bit of a change from the last few Bachelorettes. Clare had the “elder Bachelorette” branding that kind of forced the audience to say they loved her, Tayshia didn’t have the run-up to the season because she just appeared after Clare left, and Katie divided the audience into “I like her because she’s bold,” “I don’t buy it,” and “SHE HAD A DILDO AND THE DEVIL WILL OWN HER SOUL FOREVER!!”
But Michelle is loved. Her lack of social media presence, the fact that they taped the show in her hometown to accommodate her teaching duties, and the laid back way she handled being on Matt’s drama-filled season really speaks to them. Bachelor Nation loves a Hallmark movie character playing out in real life. Michelle is that. A former Division 1 basketball player becomes a kindergarten teacher in her hometown that isn’t New York or LA?! That’s basically Hallmark movie porn for Bachelor Nation. It hits all the senses for them. They might collectively slip off their chairs when they introduce her Tuesday night. They don’t even need Katie’s vibrator. I’m excited for Michelle. Let’s see the crazies they’re fixing her up with.
Alec is a 29-year-old from North Charleston who looks like if “I work in finance” were a face. He says that he learned about commitment after his first marriage ended, which is code word for “someone cheated”. The women reading this will assume it was Alec, the men reading this will assume “Hey, everyone’s got problems” and stay completely out of having an opinion. He says he’s “not here to waste anyone’s time” which is hilarious since he’s going onto a reality show to compete with 29 other men for one woman. The literal meaning of waste of time. That’s like saying “I’m here to lose weight” while eating chicken fingers because, “protein.”
Brandon J is a 26-year-old traveling nurse recruiter from Portland, Oregon who says that he “once hopped on stage during a Lil Wayne and Drake concert.” That’s a cue for my exit. Imagine going to a concert with someone who thinks “hopping on stage” is a normal thing? You’re like, “Where are you going?!” And they’re like “I’m just feeling this song!! Drake and Lil Wayne will totally get it!” I’m not sure what would make me angrier, the fact that they were my ride home or that they did mushrooms without me.
Brandon K is a 29-year-old brand manager from Austin who looks like someone you’d avoid because he’s going to tell you about a great craft beer. Brandon says that he “wants to make a real social impact within his community.” Which is Austin/Tech-town-speak for “I’ve never worked at a charity but I like the idea of charity.” People who work at a soup kitchen are like “WE NEED MORE SOUP AND NAPKINS!! I’M THERE TUESDAYS BY THE BACK DOOR!!” People who work in Silicon Valley or Austin know that they can make money off of sounding good and say stuff like “The social awareness of a millennial is at the heart of our impact of consciousness.” And then you realize you have no idea what they’re saying and you’re tweeting a link that finds them new investors.
Bryan is a 31-year-old NFL player from Chicago whose haircut was created by Pixar animation. This show should be all former professional athletes. They have the time. Their life is a constant struggle of figuring out if a woman is there “for the right reasons.” The fact that non-athletes go on the show should tell you everything about the confidence of a man. A guy comes on this show and he meets Bryan with a seven year NFL career and about a million in the bank and he’s staying thinking he’s got a shot. He’s like, “But she hasn’t met me, the personal trainer whose mom says he’s handsome!”
Casey is a 36-year-old advertising creative director from Miami whose bio says he has “outgrown the local dating scene where women care more about their Instagram stories than making meaningful connections.” What garbage. No easier opinion than blaming the people who are obsessed with social media for you being single. You know what’s NOT the answer to the social media driven dating problems of Miami?! A TV show about dating that happens to get you more of a social media following!!! Casey’s bio also says that he is a closeted hippie but hates living in tents. Casey is a pretty good liar. He knows how to speak and sound a certain way. Everyone wants to say they’re a hippie until they’re sleeping under a hemp blanket. There’s no such thing as a hippie who hates tents. Everyone has a hippie friend who they’d never live with because they’ll be cool with a fridge that’s somehow also the shower and a bed that you two would share.
Chris G is a 28-year-old motivational speaker from Nova Scotia who wore a sweatshirt under a sport-coat to show that he’s fun but serious. There isn’t a worse look. What’s his speech?! “How to look like a tech billionaire from the sale rack at Old Navy!” Just because Mark Zuckerberg exists doesn’t make him a fashion icon. This outfit should be called, “My mom likes part of it and doesn’t understand the rest even though she purchased every piece”.
Chris S says he “prides himself in falling in love with someone on the inside rather than the outside.” Thats something that sounds good on a bio and not so good when you say it to your girlfriend while tipsy on a double date: “How’d we fall in love?? It was never her looks! No, no, no! It was her mind that I loved! I could’ve had way hotter women!! Trust me. I was on The Bachelorette! But look at her. It was never that face. It was her mind that I fell for!! Right honey?!” Then Chris spends the weekend masturbating on the couch.
Clayton has already been cast as the next Bachelor, and is described in his bio as “a Missouri thoroughbred.” This is one of those moments that shows how differently the audience consume the contestants on the show based on their gender. Like, I think it would sound very “icky” if the woman who was already cast as the next Bachelorette were to be described as a “San Diego breed-worthy, purebred with birthing hips.”
Daniel is a 26-year-old firefighter from Austin. That’s got to be a weird town to be a firefighter. Like, you thought you’d be in Texas taking care of “Texas problems!” Instead, you show up to a burning house and someone wearing a Carmen San Diego khaki hat is crying and screaming on the front lawn. They tell you that they were burning sage and they tripped over their crystals and the sage flew right into their tapestry and now their pet squirrel named Sunset is trapped inside the house. Now Daniel is risking his life for a squirrel while an influencer is telling him that “this never happened when they lived in LA!”
Edward looks like the next door neighbor on CW high school drama who made you feel badly about your body because you were 16 and he was a 27-year-old playing a 16-year-old. He’s also described as a “wellness coach”, which continues the Bachelor tradition of taking job titles like “front desk guy at Barry’s Bootcamp” and turning them into something more important.
Garrett is a 33-year-old tech CEO from Salt Lake City. This is who I want to see on The Bachelorette! I want tech CEOs and athletes and retirees. The men we need to see on TV are the ones who have had so much financial success that they’ve lost all touch with reality. The ones like Garrett, who looks like he got a blowout for his photo shoot because he met a woman at a hotel bar who worked at Drybar.
Jack is a 30-year-old former Army officer who looks like a French operative who snuck into the Army. Like, couldn’t you see Jack in a beret with a white and black striped shirt on while holding a bag of groceries that has a baguette popping out of it?! Couldn’t you see Jack passive aggressively judging you for everything you’ve ever said and done? Jack’s bio also says he loves playing kickball, which makes me think he’s an undercover French agent even more. Like, he chose the laziest American thing as his favorite. He’s like “Ya I’m totally American! I like kickball and ummm McDonald’s and ahhh BIG BANG THEORY!! Yes! Totally American!”
Jamie is a 32-year-old biotech CEO who once showed up at the airport and let the ticketing agent choose his destination. That’s something that women will say they like until you’re in a relationship with them. They’re all about “adventures” and “exploring” until you’re like, “I got a place! Let’s go!” And an hour later they’re a crying mess on the floor surrounded by every shoe they’ve ever owned.
Joe is a former Division 1 basketball player from Minnesota who is going on a season of The Bachelorette being led by a former Division 1 basketball player from Minnesota. He’s going to go far. His bio also says that he “loves snacks.” Honestly, that would be enough to last a long time on MY season. If a woman got out of the limo and said “Hi! I love snacks.” I’d be like, “That’s about half my life right there. You can head this way toward my hometowns. Wait, you Jewish? Ya? Do you open a bag of SkinnyPop, say you’ll have a couple handfuls, and then an hour later you’re next to an empty bag and some Reese’s because you gotta have something sweet to finish it off?! Ya?! Ok, head to the fantasy suite because I’m already half hard.”
JoMarri is a personal trainer. His bio says that he eats an entire watermelon every morning. This is how you know JoMarri isn’t a great personal trainer. This is how people eat when they consider food to be “fuel” and they have no understanding that food is emotional for people. They’re like, “You can eat a whole watermelon and it’s less calories than a bag of Doritos.” And you’re like, “Ya, well Doritos make me happy in a way no human has ever achieved and I can’t give that up.” And they’re like, “What about chewing 17 times before your next bite?!” And you’re already eating Doritos somehow.
Leroy is a biomedical PhD student. The smart guys like this never last on the show. I think it’s too difficult to live in the mansion with 20 other men who think watching Squid Game is the equivalent to reading a book. Like, I’m sure at some point one of the other guys will be like, “Does anyone know how to spell ‘restaurant?!'” and Leroy will start packing his bags and calling his parents who emigrated from Ghana AND Italy to apologize.
LT looks like someone you’d avoid at a party. He’s a 38-year-old yoga guru from Bellevue, Washington, which means you’d probably be warned about him before a party. Like, I can’t imagine a more insufferable description of a person. Bellevue is the part of Washington with the Lululemon/Sweetgreen/women of a certain age who are always busy but have no job and have never been seen without workout attire on. And LT is their guru! If LT were going to be at a party, I’d be like, “Ok, so LT is a white guy who calls himself a guru. You’re going to want to talk to him for a bit so we can make fun of him after the party but not too long where he’s trying to show you poses and starts talking about chakras. If he mentions a retreat, you’re fucked.”
Martin is a 29-year-old personal trainer who looks like he dressed up as a villain on The Bachelorette for Halloween. At what point do you shave the line in your eyebrow? Is it before or after you start using the phrase, “issa vibe?” Martin’s bio says he is looking for a mature, health-conscious woman, which is how you know he’s a dick. Who isn’t health conscious?! I’ve never heard a more coded way of saying “No emotional fat chicks.”
Mollique is a 36-year-old academic administrator who only wears shirts that match his hair dye. His bio says that he was “raised by women around him” and his favorite author is Nicholas Sparks. Sometimes a guy comes on The Bachelorette and reveals himself to be a liar by going too hard on the “perfect man from a Hallmark movie” verbiage. Raised by women all around him? I don’t even know what that means. Me too. As if I was raised with no women. A whole childhood of professional wrestling, spitting, and farting while eating Slim Jims. The only thing that would’ve made this profile any more of a lie is if it said, “And Mollique believes in paying a woman to go down on her to make up for the gender pay gap!”
Nayte spells his name with a Y. I’m not reading his bio. I don’t care. Imagine someone saying, “It’s Nayte with a Y” and the headache you’d get from trying to figure out where the Y goes in the name. It literally just autocorrected to “Maybe” while I was typing this out. That’s his name now. His name is “Maybe.” As in, “maybe Nayte’s threading artist did a little too much on his eyebrows and now I cant stop staring at them.”
Olumide is a 27-year-old IT analyst from Newark, New Jersey who played basketball at Rutgers. He seems nice. His bio says his favorite flower is a cherry blossom, which I can’t believe comes up during these interviews. “Hey! Just a few questions! Is there anything we should know about that could become a national headline and destroy the reputation of the show?! And what’s a flower that reminds you life is a cycle of life and death and that we’re all just a speck on this big ole marble called Earth whenever it blooms in the spring?! And lastly, any fetishes?”
Pardeep is a 30-year-old neuroscientist from Brooklyn. This is the first Indian man I’ve seen on the show. I texted my friend and fellow comedian, Nimesh Patel, to congratulate him and his family. Here’s the exchange:
Me: Indian guy on The Bachelorette! Tell your family it was all worth it!
Nimesh: He’s going to get out of the limo, say “Have a nice season!” Then he’ll get back into the limo and drive directly to his parents house where they’ll be waiting with his future wife named Krupti.
Peter looks like he’s auditioning to play Roger Klotz in the live-action adaptation of the animated series, Doug. Peter is described as a “Pizzapreneur” which is another way of saying he owns a pizza shop. Everyone watched a couple episodes of Shark Tank and now they’re all CEOs. Peter probably talks about synergy and his idea for a pizza app that’s strangely similar to the one Dominos already created. I’m sorry, Peter. You don’t have a “portfolio of pizza-related endeavors.” You stand behind a counter and loudly say “WHAT’LL YOU BE HAVING BUDDY?” to a drunk college kid who just audibly burped.
PJ looks like he’s about to sing a 90s R&B song that’ll make you remember not getting asked to dance in middle school. No? Just me? Ok. PJ is actually a firefighter. Imagine this guy saving you from a fire. I’d be like, “Did you just come from the hard bodies firefighter calendar photo shoot?! Hold me closer to your dangly earring!”
Rick looks like he goes from town to town explaining cryptocurrency to unsuspecting women. Rick’s bio says he’s the “type of guy who will send you flowers at work for no reason but to say, ‘I love you.’” Can we at least get an ex to corroborate such a claim? This is one of those things he’s done once in his life and he’s been riding it as a personality point ever since. It’s like when someone tells you they “lived in Florence.” You went on study abroad. It was more than a decade ago. You didn’t even take an Italian class. It’s time for a new memory. Take a week off of work and go on a hike so we can stop hearing about how you “never liked red wine until living in Italy.”
Rodney is a 29-year-old sales rep from Rancho Cucamonga, California who says he’s “terrified of being catfished.” This picture literally looks like he could be 5 or 7 feet tall with no in-between. It’s always the people who shouldn’t be judgmental who are the most worried about catfishing. They’ll be like, “Ugh all these ugly people on the apps with their fake heights and pictures from ten years ago! Ok, gotta go! I have my monthly appointment to get the lumps on my shoulders, face, and balls drained!!”
Romeo is a Harvard graduate and a mathematician from New York City. So he’s a catch and someone I’d have so many questions for: What does a mathematician do?! Is the Pythagorean theorem a big part of your life?! Should I mute the TV every time you come on the screen because of all the horrible math puns?! Will you combine Romeo and Juliet with math to make some sort of awful super pun that will make me immediately throw up?!
But more importantly, Romeo’s 32 and his bio says that he “wants to go to Burning Man one day.” One day?! Your 32. It’s over man. My dreams include good chairs at bars and finding the right pillow position to get to sleep the fastest. If my 32-year-old significant other said to me, “I’d like to go to Burning Man one day,” I’d say “Cool! Have fun with your future husband!”
Ryan is a 30-year-old environmental consultant who weirdly looks like a hamster that made a wish to be human. Ryan’s bio says that his family has a raisin ranch. Sometimes I’ll read something like that and realize how little I know. Raisins come from a ranch?! I thought they were the doodies of grapes. That means there’s a leathery-looking cowboy who talks about long days on THE RAISIN RANCH as if he’s tough. I want to go to the ranch. I want to wrangle a heard of Raisinets. I want to use a rope to hog-tie a raisin that got a little bit too wild. And if Ryan doesn’t say “Welcome to the raisin ranch” when a girl holds his balls, he’s a complete waste.
Spencer is a 25-year-old financial crimes analyst from Cleveland who seems nice enough, but the real story here is the commitment the men on The Bachelorette have made to the turtleneck over the last few seasons. I literally only see it on The Bachelorette. Never at a bar. Never out in the daylight. Just this show. All of these men decided one day they were all going to jointly look like the head of a penis. Good for them. I just don’t have the body type. I’m a short torso, wide-shouldered man. I’d look a penis that just went into a cold ocean.
Will is a 28-year-old academic interventionist from Grand Rapids who who looks like a child doodled on his head with markers to make his hair. Will went with multiple chains over his turtleneck as if he’s going to a Halloween party dressed as Mr. T’s penis. Will’s bio says that he describes himself as classy, swaggy, and sharp. I’ve never related to someone less. I refer to myself as gassy, judgy, and hungry.
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin (32)
Do you want to know what is the most cursed thing about Bachelor in Paradise? No, it’s not the lack of air conditioning, or even the fact that it’s ultimately just a show that asks us to watch people make out on daybeds for four hours each week. It’s that even when the season ends, we, as viewers, will never know peace. There is absolutely no closure. These cast members will continue to haunt us for the rest of our lives.
For a little context behind the brief existential journey you just followed me through: Pieper James would like us all to know that she and Brendan Morais are back together again. Although their hellish season is over, we’re still being forced to follow this whiplash-inducing journey. Yes, the season 7 power-villain couple who low-key admitted to dating before going on BiP (which, as a reminder, is still technically a show for single people to find relationships on, not for couples to use for fame) have somehow found a way to make it work. Maybe true love does exist. The duo briefly broke up last month, but on a recent episode of former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin’s Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, Pieper revealed that she and Brendan are giving it the old college try.
While it would probably be a stretch for me to say that I’m happy for Brendan and Pieper, I have to admit that their reconciliation does make a lot of sense. Two people who are looking for a relationship founded on Instagram analytics are probably made for each other anyway and not going to find a better fit swiping through Hinge. Sure, Raya would likely be a more effective platform for them to each find another fame-hungry partner to suit their needs, but I am unsure that they’d be approved for the app after the severe loss of followers they both suffered after America turned on them in support of Natasha Parker, the innocent woman Brendan briefly pursued to buy time until the producers let Pieper on the show.
During the podcast episode in which Pieper *checks notes* publicly shared the news of her relationship status, she noted that she and Brendan have some work to do before taking their relationship—which played out on one of the most popular reality television shows in the country—public. Before you go back and reread that sentence to see if it makes any more sense the second or third time around, I’m just going to save you a moment and let you know that no, it does not. Here’s a direct quote from Pieper that does not offer a shred of clarity:
“The reason that we didn’t choose to go public like everybody else on the show was just because… our experience was a little bit different. We tainted our own experience in that way,” she explained. “So, we’re kind of working on ourselves, and each other and we’re focusing on being a couple before taking that public.”
On the podcast, Pieper also noted that “it was a rumor that we broke up” and that the backlash they received from Bachelor Nation made them stronger. To which I reply:
I’m unsure what Brendan and Pieper would consider to be a more public recognition of their relationship than literally saying the words “we’re together” on a podcast that is available to stream on multiple apps, but the mess-seeker in me does, unfortunately, look forward to the day that we all find out. Will they unveil couple’s tattoos? Will they sneak away to a foreign country for a secret wedding, hoping to sell the exclusive to PEOPLE? Perhaps they’ll formally announce the news in partnership with a couple’s therapy app! Whatever these two have up their sleeves, I’m assuming it will be big. (On a midtier influencer level, anyway.) At the time of publication of this article, Brendan hasn’t made a single peep on Instagram since his September 16 “Paradise Apology” video. I do predict he will take the popstar route and archive all of his past posts before they “go public.” We might even get a teaser video, if we’re truly lucky.
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin ; Giphy
Well, fam, after 10 grueling weeks we’re about to find out which woman won Matt’s heart. We’ve come to know the best and the worst of these ladies. The best being a girl who carries a dildo around in her purse like it’s a pack of gum and speaks entirely in email jargon (no, thank you for your feedback, Katie) and the worst being a Gangs of New York-style living situation where absolutely not one person has heard of concealer before. But at least I do know these ladies. I can’t say the same for our pal Matt. In fact, his entire personality can be condensed into “guy who wears turtlenecks.” He’s really given us so much to root for.
Last week, Matt whittled his search for love down to two final women: a sexy, long-limbed school teacher and a girl who dressed as a sexy school girl for last year’s Halloween party. I paraphrase.
MATT: There’s Michelle—beautiful, smart, kind Michelle. And then there’s Rachael…
MATT TRYING TO EXPLAIN HIS CONNECTION TO RACHAEL:
Hmmm… whomever will he choose?
Michelle Meets The Parents
Okay, is anybody else just tired? I know we need to go through the whole song and dance of Matt introducing the girls to the parents and having one last great date with them, but must we really? Like, just freaking pick one already, I don’t need to watch you sit in a hot tub one more time. *takes one deep, calming breath* I suppose the show must go on, which means Michelle is up first!
Michelle walks into the room and Matt’s mom is already weeping. She heard “school teacher” and saw she was wearing a woolen force field that covered all skin from the chin down and knew this girl would be absolutely perfect for her son. Matt’s brother is also a huge Michelle fan. He’s asking her all these deep questions about her family and past relationships and she’s delivering clear, sincere answers without one single “like” or reference to TikTok.
Okay, yikes. Red flag that Matt’s brother has never seen him in a relationship. Michelle asks him about Matt’s last long-term relationship and his brother is like, “by long-term do you mean more than one date after slipping into a girl’s DMs?” Christ. The man is almost 30! This is just further proof that he’s not ready for an engagement at the end of all of this. If his last real relationship involved him checking “yes, I like you” on the back of some looseleaf math homework in grade school, then Matt has no business proposing in 90 minutes.
By the end of this date, it’s so clear that Michelle is absolutely the right pick here. Matt himself seems shocked that a girl like this is here and interested in him. He actually asks her in stunned disbelief how she’s still single after she absolutely kills it with his family. Hmmm, I don’t know, Mattie. Maybe it’s because men see that her TikToks involve less nudity and more fun multiplication hacks for her students and run for the hills from all that healthy, wholesome energy.
Rachael Meets The Parents
I already have a feeling Matt’s family is going to hate Rachael. For one, she’s daring to show her clavicle before noon. BOLD. For another, she’s wearing a look of barely contained disgust at all that rouge on Patty’s cheekbones. You can tell she’s itching to get that woman a makeup wipe and some subtle highlighter before this date goes any further.
Rachael, of course, shows up to meet Matt’s family wearing her standard muted palette of whites and blacks, and sporting that trademark middle part. Wow. Rachael is seemingly more committed to this middle part than Matt is to any relationship on this show.
Matt’s brother gives Rachael the same brotherly interview he gave Michelle, but it just hits different. For one, Michelle is just so much more poised than Rachael. She’s also a few years older and it shows. At one point, Matt’s brother asks Rachael how many serious relationships she’s been in and it’s like, five years ago she was still in SAT prep courses! How many do you think she’s been in??
MATT: So, mom, what do you think?
MATT’S MOM: She’s… cute.
HAHA. That is something my mother says right before she verbally fillets them in the car ride home from Applebee’s. In all fairness, Matt’s mom seems skeptical that Matt is going to end up with either of these girls. She’s like “so… you’re actually going to go through with this?” He better, Patty! If I don’t see an engagement at the end of this I will riot. MY GOD, THIS ISN’T A DATING SHOW. If Demi Lovato can give engagement the ol’ college try, then so can Matt!
Matt’s mom is like, “feelings aren’t forever!” and, boy, what a pep talk to give your son a mere 24 hours before a proposal. It’s cute that they think Matt has any choice here. Don’t they realize his Bachelor contract was signed in blood, as are all deals with the devil?
Matt’s Quarter-Life Crisis
I have never in my life seen a man spiral faster after a conversation about commitment than what I’m witnessing on my screen rn. Kidding! I have asked a guy “what are we?” before and watched the look of abject terror take hold of his face as he grabbed his pants, keys, and wallet, and backed away slowly toward the door.
MATT: My mom said feelings come and go… do you think that’s true Chris?
Chris is genuinely stunned by this conversation. You can tell he’s yearning for the day when contestants were jumping fences they were so in love, instead of having to placate these lukewarm feelings emanating from Matt.
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God, this is depressing. Matt’s trying to moonwalk out of his engagement obligations and I’m not having it. THIS IS THE BACHELOR. You signed up to make the biggest mistake of your life for our collective enjoyment. You can’t just go back on that sacred agreement because you don’t feel like it!
After that bleak conversation with Chris, Matt resolves to soldier on through the rest of his Bachelor duties. I’m sure it has everything to do with his feelings for Michelle and Rachael and nothing at all to do with the fact that ABC producers have his entire family sequestered at an undisclosed location. Carry on.
Similar to how I drag out menial tasks like emptying the dishwasher or answering my boss’ emails, Matt is going to drag out his Bachelor experience by taking the women on one last one-on-one date. For Matt’s date with Michelle, he makes her rappel off the roof of a building to wine and dine on what appears to be an abandoned airplane tarmac. Seriously, how come Matt only offers romance if your life is challenged in the process? Did he forget what franchise he’s on? This isn’t Final Destination, Matthew! Why does he keep trying to kill these women? So he doesn’t have to choose? “Whichever one doesn’t break her neck gets to be my wife!!”
Michelle calls Matt her “teammate” and okay, yes, I am crying in the club. She is way too good for this clown. She gifts him with (probably) hand-sewn jerseys and Matt is, like, eyeing all possible exits, he’s so freaked out. The more jerseys she hands him, the more massive his panic attack gets.
MATT: Michelle, I think I want a girlfriend, not a wife…
I love that Matt flees the scene crying. I’m sorry, but what did you expect from her? You just spent six weeks saying “my wife is in this room” only to take it back when it really counts. If she wanted a boyfriend she would have gone on that Zoom date with her coworker’s weird cousin Alan.
In the end, the jerseys are Matt’s undoing. His idea of commitment is watching your Instagram stories daily, but cropping you out of his profile picture for his Raya account. He can’t keep leading Michelle on like this, so he gives her the axe.
At least Michelle got to go on a date, though. Rachael put on these hot leather pants for absolutely no reason. Matt is too distraught over his breakup with Michelle to go on a date with Rachael. Instead, he sends his errand boy Chris Harrison to deliver the blow. Chris tells Rachael Matt needs “some space.” What’s left unsaid is that Matt’s “space” is in the Delta lounge as he books the next flight back to New York.
While Rachael falls into an abyss of despair, Matt has his own demon to face: Neil Lane. At this point, it’s clear that Matt would rather singe his own eyebrows off than embark on a lifelong commitment with a human woman, but he humors Neil Lane with this ring appointment all the same. Neil hands Matt one of his bottom-shelf rings, and Matt acts like he just touched one of Voldemort’s horcruxes, but instead of brushing the scraps of the soul of a genocidal sadist, he’s just visibly recoiling at the feeling of all of that commitment. Perfectly normal behavior for a man in love.
Matt tells Rachael to “meet him at the lake for answers” and that is how every episode of My Favorite Murder starts, not the beginning of an eternal partnership between two people. But good luck with that, girl!
Also, lol at ABC trying to make us think that Matt will actually use that ring. I think Matt knows he could get away with not proposing to Rachael. Like, she’s still buying gel pens to doodle in her Lilly Pulitzer planner. She would definitely be chill with just dating.
Speaking of Rachael, she shows up to the final rose ceremony dressed like the dragon Shrek fought to rescue Fiona. For someone who has dressed exactly the same for the last nine episodes, I’m shocked that this is the lewk she chose to be bold with.
Matt says rushing into marriage is what ruined his family, and it’s like WELL WHY ARE YOU ON THIS MF SHOW THEN?! This is what ABC gets for signing a TikTok star to be their lead. I’m so angry I would like to take an entire jug of kerosene to his most beloved turtlenecks.
Matt’s like, “I want to commit to you, but not in like any real, lasting way, you feel me?” And she does!! She signs up to be his girlfriend! This is insane! I bet she’s super glad she survived that skydiving accident for this happy ending!
After The Final Rose
Even though I am full of unending rage at just having wasted the last 10 weeks of my life watching—in real time!—a man sift through his roster until he got bored, I supposed I will tolerate one more hour of this worthless f*cking show. That said, I’m not going to recap minute by minute because, frankly, I don’t have it in me. So, here are the highlights:
Michelle Is Doing Just Fine
If you kids thought I was angry before, let me tell you, my rage boiled to cataclysmic levels when Michelle revealed that Matt refused to see her after dumping her. Before she left the Bachelor hotel, she asked production to ask Matt if she could have a few minutes with him to get some closure and, in classic f*ckboy fashion, he chose to ghost her instead. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m just going to take a page out of Beastly and place a witch’s curse on Matt’s unblemished body until he learns how to properly treat a lady.
ABC Isn’t Racist, They Just Cast Racists, Okay!!
After a chill 120 minutes of finale footage and 15 minutes of Michelle updates, ABC finally, finally addresses the racism scandal. I still can’t believe the first Black Bachelor picked a woman who probably doesn’t understand how harmful the phrase “all lives matter” is, but here we are. Emmanuel takes over the hosting gig for the evening since Chris Harrison is currently in timeout. He gets into it with Matt about being the first Black Bachelor, and I cannot express enough how relieved I am that Matt is having this conversation with an actual person of color and not Chris’ milky white ass fumbling over production’s pre-written interview cards that start with: “so, my brother, how are you?”
Matt seemed genuinely hurt and upset by the Rachael scandal. One thing that stood out in particular to me was when he said his goal was to seem approachable to audiences. He wanted to normalize seeing Black bodies on TV and he was constantly aware of trying to seem nonthreatening. I’m glad he said that because, honestly, I’ve been pretty disappointed with Matt this season. Week after week he failed to show any emotion or personality. He seemed to gloss over any particularly heavy or dynamic conversations by pasting on a bland smile and giving the women vague, generic praise for their honesty. Now I’m wondering if that was a calculated move to seem, as he said, “less threatening.” If that’s the case, then I’m genuinely sad. It feels like we missed out on seeing some real, authentic conversations from people of color for the sake of placating The Bachelor’s white audience.
I thought Rachael did an okay job at sitting in the hot seat. She stuck to script and took accountability for her actions, even with her entire body breaking out into stress hives. I can only imagine she hired the Olivia Pope of PR teams to get her through this only mildly unscathed.
Rachael And Matt Are No Longer Together
Matt revealed that after finding out about Rachael’s past, he couldn’t in good conscience continue to date her. He said she needs to do some “work” on her own. I think that’s probably for the best. Though Rachael gave us some actionable items for how she’ll be putting in the work to better understand racism, she thought that after three weeks she’d learned enough for Matt to take her back. That doesn’t really feel like putting the work in, more like putting on a show so your S.O. will be less mad. At one point Matt says he doesn’t want to be “emotionally responsible for her tears” and that’s the most real thing that he’s ever said on this show. It sucks that she’s hurting, but it’s not on him to accept her guilt and pain.
That said, I would also like Matt to work on himself. The man had no business getting engaged on this show. I don’t want to see him on another Bachelor franchise until he’s stopped using those turtlenecks as security blankets. If I start seeing some neck, I’ll know he’s emotionally ready for an actual relationship.
And The Next Bachelorette Is…
Katie and Michelle! That’s right, double trouble, people! We will get not one, but TWO Bachelorettes. Katie’s season will start filming immediately and will air during early summer. Michelle’s season will film over the summer and air sometime in the fall. No matter that with the vaccine rollout we might actually be able to enjoy a summer spent amongst people—Mike Fleiss is having none of that. Chained to our living rooms we shall continue to be! Until then!
Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 35-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love these shows so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are v proud. V.
This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows for half a decade. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore for the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Tayshia/Clare’s season is in my highlights). And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor post-game show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.
Usually I would’ve already previewed Matt James, but this season is different. Matt has never been on the show. His biggest credit before getting to know him via interviews and social media was “friends with Tyler C.” That’s kind of crazy. Tyler C was so hot that we all just trusted he knew good people. If a less attractive man was like, “Hey, you should meet my friend!” We’d all be like, “What’s his Instagram handle?” And then spend hours scrolling back to when he was in high school to make a fully informed decision. That is not what’s happened with Matt. Everyone was pretty on board from minute one. We genuinely know nothing about the guy. I’ve been following him on Instagram and he seems fun and motivated and like he’ll have a lot of energy. But after a brief discussion with my penis, we don’t think this guy is ready to settle down. You don’t go from touring the country doing “boys trips” every other week to being like, “Ya, me and Stacy P are going to stay in this weekend and watch old Survivor seasons.” I think a lot of women are perpetually in a “ready to grow up” mode and a lot of men are just trying to do everything they can before they have to grow up. Matt seemed to be getting it all in, and I’m not sure he’s done yet. There was not one post on Matt’s social media that told me Matt was ready to give up a ski trip for his fiancée’s Paint and Sip night she thought “looked cute.” But I guess we’ll see. Let’s check out the women he’ll be calling “AHHHMAAAZING” after one conversation about their grandma.
Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager
Abigail is a 25-year-old Client Financial Manager from Beaverton, Oregon who says that her favorite way to approach a guy is by “accidentally bumping into them.” This is how you know you’re hot. If you can literally fling yourself at attractive people and have that end up with a date and not a rap sheet, then you’re hot. When I bump into people they ask if I’m playing the Rosie O’Donnell part in the remake of A League Of Their Own.
Alana, 26, Photographer
Alana is a 26-year-old photographer who calls moving to Europe instead of going to college “her greatest accomplishment.” She also says, “it took her on a journey of self-discovery and exploration that really shaped her into the independent woman she is today.” We absolutely CANNOT let Alana have a social media following. Did you read those quotes?!? A journey of self-discovery?! She’s already unbearable. She took a trip to Europe on her parents’ credit card and posted some black-and-white pictures on Instagram and now she’s a “photographer” who went on a “journey of self-discovery.” She’s right on the doorstep of changing her name to “Alania” and asking us how to say the word “cucumber” in English.
Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina
Alicia is a 24-year-old professional ballerina from NYC. I’m too cynical from years of reading millennial “job” titles like “entrepreneur” and “social media strategist” that are actually just people who know the right filter for their butt. I read “24-year-old professional ballerina” and I was like, “Ya, me too! I’m actually a 35-year-old professional Astronaut/Wizard.” But I was wrong. After reading Alicia’s bio, “professional ballerina” isn’t a job you can lie about. I’m actually her biggest fan. Look at her bio: When she was only 13, she began pursuing her career as a professional ballerina. Through years of dedication and commitment to her craft, she is now proudly living her dream, dancing for the prestigious Dance Theater of Harlem.
I honestly don’t know how Alicia is going to mentally survive in the house. Someone is going to be like, “Hi I’m Lauren P! I’m a professional social media entrepreneur who aspires to one day podcast about my mental journey from the hardships of an upper middle class lifestyle!! What’s your name?!” And Alicia will have to respond, “When I was 15 I had to stand on my big toe for an hour so I could go to lunch.” I’m cheering for you, Alicia. Godspeed!
Amber, 30, Nursing Student
Amber is a 30-year-old nursing student from Costa Mesa, California, and she is the most Amber-looking Amber to ever not be a porn star. Amber is a 30-year-old single mom to a 13-year-old son and her bio says she once had to run away from a mountain lion at Joshua Tree and mentions two different dreams (one is to take care of beluga whales). I’m sorry Amber, dreams and Joshua Tree end at 29. I’m 35 and my dream is to have a good bowel movement.
Anna, 24, Copywriter
Anna is a 24-year-old copywriter from Chicago who says she dreams of writing screenplays for Hallmark movies. Well, Anna has already gotten started by writing her own life as a Hallmark movie. Her bio literally says she’s “a small-town girl, living the big city life”, and “her parents nicknamed her Hollywood”, and how she spent Friday nights at the local bowling alley, and how she was the high school cheerleading captain who “was meant for something bigger.” I swear this is every woman who has ever moved to a major city. It doesn’t matter how truly regular of a life they’ve lived, they’ll find a way to make it sound Hallmark. You’ll be like, “Hey! Where you from?!” And they’ll be like, “Oh some small, single-traffic-light town where everyone knew me as ‘Honey’ because I was sweet as sugar!” And their name will be Lauren Greenstein from Scarsdale whose dad once said, “Hey Honey! Don’t forget to tell the other Lauren Greenstein that she left her Tulane sweatshirt here last night!”
Bri, 24, Communications Manager
Bri is a 24-year-old communications manager from San Francisco who was raised by her mother and grandmother. Her bio says they “made countless sacrifices to give her a fighting shot at having a successful life.” Then it goes on to say how Bri has always outworked everyone around her and some GaryVee crap about life being “earned not promised.” I would love to see Bri explain to her grandma and mom that she’s going on The Bachelor. Can you imagine the shock?! The questions?! You make “COUNTLESS SACRIFICES” and your daughter is like, “Hey guys, I’ve put my career on hold during a global pandemic to compete against seven Laurens for a guy who’s friends with a guy who came in third place on The Bachelorette. Thank you for working three jobs so that I could get violin lessons. Without those lessons, I wouldn’t have been able to play a classical version of ‘WAP’ for my limo entrance! Oh and grandma, ‘WAP’ stands for ‘wet ass pussy’ which will be EARNED AND NOT PROMISED when I’m on this show thanks to all of your life lessons and sacrifices!!!”
Carolyn, 30, Journalist
Carolyn is a 30- year-old journalist from LA who says her ultimate date is “something spontaneous that involves traveling” which just isn’t possible. Women love to say stuff like this because it sounds good, but you should all try spontaneously traveling with a woman. I DARE YOU! I keep imagining how mad my girlfriend would be if I was like, “We’re going to the airport! I packed your bag!” She’d be like, “Where are we going?!” And I’d be like “It’s a surpri…” and then I’d look down and she’d be angrily holding up the 10 thongs I packed for her on our ski trip.
Casandra, 25, Social Worker
Casandra is a 25-year-old social worker who says, “coming on The Bachelor is the biggest risk she’s ever taken for love” and I would have to disagree. This isn’t a risk! ABC has vetted Matt more than any of your aunts have vetted their friend’s son. Has Casandra ever been on a dating app?! That’s a risk for love. Meeting a guy you have no friends in common with? A guy who has 10 pictures on Instagram of him in an array of costumes he thought were funny? That’s a risk for love. Meeting him at a restaurant, believing him when he says he’s looking for a relationship, getting to know him, believing him when he texts, “I miss your face,” going on eight more dates, meeting his friends, convincing yourself this relationship is different, telling your friends, inviting him to the holidays, and the day before he decides that meeting your dog was too much commitment so he ends it and you have to return the Dunder Mifflin shirt you got him because he would always say, “That’s what she said.” I think that’s a way bigger risk.
Chelsea, 28, Runway Model
Chelsea is a 28-year-old from Brooklyn who quit her job in corporate America to become a model. That has to be the hardest thing to do in the world. I quit my job to become a stand-up comedian and my mom reacted like I had come out of the closet. She was like, “How long have you known that you’ve been… you know… funny?!” It’s got to be way worse to leave your job to be a model. Some manager being like, “I’m sorry to see you go! What’s your plan?” And you’re like, “I’m going to be a model!” And then the manager stares at you like a painting for a full 30 seconds and after the longest silence ever they’re like, “Sure. Cool. Ok, well you’re going to have to go onto COBRA for your health insurance.”
Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager
Corrinne is a 22-year-old from Connecticut who does marketing for her family’s high-end Italian restaurant, which means she lives at home and posts on their Instagram from her white Mercedes SUV before going into yoga. Corrinne speaks like someone who wants to marry someone rich. It’s just a vibe I’m getting. Her bio says things like she wants to experience the NYC lifestyle before having kids and, “Her dream man will support her in both her personal and professional endeavors.” That sounds like something someone who had a tie-dye “company” for a month over the summer would say.
Emani, 25, Realtor
Emani is a 25-year-old realtor from Albuquerque, New Mexico who says if she could be anyone else for a day, it would be herself because she is “pretty cool.” Really?! Nobody else?! Beyoncé? Jeff Bezos? One day? You don’t want to go on a private jet? Someone offers you a day of being Kim Kardashian and you’re like, “Nope! I’m good! I’m going to hang here in Albuquerque eating green chili while staring at the beautiful New Mexico landscape. A landscape that inspired someone to write a show about a guy dying of cancer who turns to dealing crystal meth so that he can afford the medical bills.” Ok.
Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer
Illeana is a 25-year-old health food developer from NYC whose bio says she “recently co-developed her own nutritional snack called ‘Funky Munky Energy.’” I went and looked up Funky Munky Energy because,, as someone who has been trying to lose 10 pounds my whole life, I’m always looking for the delicious snack that’s going to help me achieve my dream. And what you find out is that Illeana is a model repped by Wilhelmina who is waiting for The Bachelor to drop off a couple hundred thousand Instagram followers so she can start pushing candy as “GMO-free, gluten-free, energy bites.” And I can’t have it. I just can’t. She’ll be posting pictures of her eating these bites as if any of us normal-bodied people who aren’t repped by the most famous modeling agency in the world could ever have one after a workout to hold us over until our dinner of steamed string beans. Illeana needs to be stopped. Her bio also says she has a cat who wears a bowtie and goes to the bathroom on the toilet. This is an evil person. Anyone who has a cat that could hypothetically shame me for the classiness of my poops isn’t here for my well-being, and I won’t be buying her “health foods.”
Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer
Jessenia is a 27-year-old social media marketer from San Antonio who was Miss El Paso in 2016. Her bio says “her soul mate also must love dogs because Jessenia currently has three of them!” That’s one of those things that makes you realize how unfair we are to cat people. Jessenia is sitting here with three dogs and we’re like, “CAYYUUTTE!” If she had three cats then we’d assume she spends the weekends wearing her old Miss El Paso sash and crown while giving acceptance speeches to her cats. Three dogs is just as bad. Isn’t that someone who needs too much affection?!!? How much of her day is spent getting licked by her dogs because they smell her lunch, but she calls them kisses? I can’t imagine dating Jessenia is fun. You wouldn’t be able to keep up. You’d be like, “What’s wrong?!?” and she’d be like, “You didn’t give me my 20-minute hug today!!” I now await your “I take offense to any and all dog criticism” hate mail!!!
Kaili, 26, Hostess
Kaili is a 26-year-old hostess from Chicago who says she’s never dated anyone that her family has truly been excited about. That might be tough for her ex to read, and it’s also something you’ll never see in the bios of the male contestants for The Bachelorette. There are rarely subtle digs at an ex in those, because men are in total fear of every woman they’ve ever dated. Women keep the receipts! Go look at those 40-picture-long Instagram story tributes to a friend you haven’t seen in three years! We know you have a phone full of screenshots that show how stupid and gross and awful we are, so we treat exes like someone we worked with on a movie who was difficult during the production. We say stuff like, “Oh I love Kaili! We’re just two different people!! The one thing about Kaili is that Kaili is going to be Kaili!! She’s a great hostess!! Really knows how to put a menu on the table!!” and then we fake-laugh until you move on to the next subject.
Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager
Katie is a 29-year-old bank marketing manager from Renton, Washington who says she’s “done wasting her time on boys who won’t live up to her expectations” and that nothing turns her off more than someone who sits around playing video games or a man who tries to kiss her at the inopportune moment. That’s so specific that it must describe her last boyfriend exactly. That’s my biggest fear. Having an ex go on The Bachelor and reading a bio that’s like, “I just want a man who can meet my standards. You know, someone who can stop doing immature things like laughing at his own farts and being from a suburb of Boston and having poop streaks on the back of his toilet and having a dad named Gerry and getting up in the middle of the night to eat cheese eight different times and then complaining the next day about how he can’t understand why the workouts he’s doing aren’t helping a lot more! You know, immature BOYS like THAT! I need a man!!”
Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate
Khaylah is a 28-year-old healthcare advocate from Durham who says her life is all about giving back and she lives for a good tailgate. That sentence could mean such a range of things based on how you give back and how you tailgate. Like, it seems as though Khaylah genuinely does a lot of good and she enjoys a tailgate. Someone reading this is thinking, “Ya, me too!” while remembering the time they drank tequila from a shoe at a tailgate where they let a homeless guy funnel a beer. We all tailgate and give back in different ways!
Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter
Kimberly is a 28-year-old airline recruiter from Seattle who looks like she keeps a key in her pocket that doesn’t work on her house but is specifically for keying an ex’s car. Kimberly’s bio says she has no fears except finding out she’s dating a guy with a foot fetish. To me, that’s the best fetish to find out about. Constant foot rubs with essential oils and the ability to get someone off by simply scrunching your toes!? Sounds like a win. Sure, it’s jarring to find out your partner likes feet, but I’d argue that any fetish is jarring to find out about. You think finding out your partner is a furry is easy?! Now you gotta dress up as a jacked rabbit to get them off?! You know how hot those costumes must be in the summer? And how expensive?! And how much closet space they take up?! People would come over and ask why the basement looked like the green room at the Six Flags Looney Tunes show. I’ll take the foot fetish any day of the week.
Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur
Kit is a 21-year-old fashion entrepreneur from NYC who looks like your friend’s sister who got really hot in college. And now you ask about her randomly and your friend is starting to be like, “Why do you keep asking about Kit?!!?”
Kit’s bio says that men in flip-flops make her mad and that she’s “a true born-and-raised New Yorker.” This is how rich New Yorkers avoid being viewed as privileged. They say stuff like “I’m a born-and-raised New Yorker” and let you imagine what that means so it can elevate them above the “basic losers” who moved to NYC and live in Stuy-Town with a roommate. Kit’s bio goes on to say she’s living with her parents in the West Village. You know, the mean streets of the most expensive part of the island with all of those “born-and-raised New Yorkers” where they have REAL problems like men’s footwear! Kit is going to be annoying. She’s 21 but she’ll act 48 and as if she “gets it” because she went to public school even though it took auditions/testing/tutors/extreme wealth to get in.
Kristin, 27, Attorney
Kristin is a 27-year-old attorney from Virginia Beach who says she “needs someone who isn’t afraid of being openly affectionate” and that she “does not share food, unless both parties have previously agreed upon it.” That’s a VERY confusing person. You’re out one night, holding hands, rubbing the small of her back, giving her a little credit card swipe of the ass crack when nobody is looking and then all of a sudden you go to grab a french fry from her plate and she’s like, “DID WE DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THE FRIES?!?” And how does she agree upon food sharing? Is there a contract?! Looking at the menu with Kristen on the first date must sound like you’re two basketball GMs trying to figure out a trade: “So I’ll get the burger and you’ll get the pasta. I’ll be giving you one quarter of my burger in exchange for seven strands of pasta with one eighth of a meatball. I can give up six fries but that’ll cost you an inch of garlic bread.”
Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney
Lauren is a 29-year-old corporate attorney from Miami who says that “none of the guys she has dated in the past have truly been her best friend, and she’s hoping to change that here with Matt.” Whoever first said, “I’m dating my best friend” legitimately ruined a whole generation of daters. Because at some point your girlfriend will turn to you and dramatically say, “You’re my best friend” and you can almost hear the music from Dawson’s Creek playing in their head. It’s the step that comes between “I love you” and engagement that every relationship has to go through, and it’s annoying. I’ve never even thought of calling anyone my best friend. I have friends, family, and people who were once acquaintances whose social media I now talk sh*t about. That’s really it for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Whenever my girlfriend says it to me, I want to fart on her and be like, “You too buddy!!” and see how it goes over.
Magi, 32, Pharmacist
Magi is 32-year-old pharmacist from Adwa, Ethiopia who came to this country by winning the Diversity Visa Lotto. I went and looked it up on Wikipedia and it said the lotto “makes available 55,000 immigrant visas annually and aims to diversify the immigrant population in the United States, by selecting applicants from countries with low numbers of immigrants in the previous five years.” That’s truly amazing and I hope to god that we get to see the moment another woman on the show tries to glow-up her story to sound interesting while in front of Magi. She’ll be like, “My parents immigrated to Boca Raton, Florida from the mountains of Long Island.” and then she’ll be like, “Magi, where are you from!?” And Magi will say something along the lines of, “I saw the Hollywood sign for the first time thanks to a one-in-a-million opportunity to come to this country. But I’m sure that was embarrassing when you didn’t know what a pub sub was.”
Mari, 24, Marketing Director
Mari is a 24-year-old marketing director from Odenton, Maryland who looks like someone on 90 Day Fiancé who’s been talking to a guy online for eight years but he still doesn’t have her phone number. She’s a former beauty queen who won Miss Maryland USA in 2019 and placed top 10 at Miss USA. The pageant world crosses over so much with the Bachelor world, and it has to be because The Bachelor is basically a pageant in itself. You tell your story, there’s kind of an unsaid bathing suit competition, interesting hobbies always get featured. The only difference is that the final three can choose to sleep with the judge. And honestly, that would make me watch a few more pageants. I’d even watch a male pageant just to see a female judge give a Roman Emperor-style thumbs down at a good looking guy who wouldn’t go down on her.
Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator
Marylynn is a 28-year-old event coordinator from Studio City, California who says she loves Disneyland and hopes to start a nonprofit that helps the environment reduce and eventually eradicate single-use plastic. 2020/21 isn’t the year to start dating Marylynn. I wouldn’t have the energy for it. There’s so much going on—a global pandemic, racial inequality, a growing wealth gap, and now I’d have to go to Disneyland so I can be an enabler for someone’s deranged princess fantasy?! And then add in the possibility that she could get mad at me for using a straw? Nope. I’m not signing up for that. She’d be like, “IS THAT A STRAW?!” And I’d run away, take the guy dressed as Crush the turtle from Finding Nemo hostage, and throw our bodies in front of one of the teacups.
MJ, 23, Hair Stylist
MJ is a 23-year-old hairstylist from Hudson, Ohio who looks like she’s going to try and sell you crystals as a skin care routine. I can tell MJ is very difficult to date. She’s from a small town and her bio says, “MJ is very social and wants to find a man who will let her maintain her independence and won’t add unnecessary drama to her life.” That is the language of a hot woman who RUNS her small town. She’s out at a dive bar in Hudson and she’s laughing at some truck driver named Randy’s jokes and her boyfriend (who thinks Cleveland “has too many people”) is like, “Hey! What are you guys laughing about!?” And MJ is like, “Stop being so dramatic!! You hate when I’m independent!” And then MJ sits on the truck driver’s lap and her boyfriend is like, “Do you want another drink?” And MJ’s like, “Randy wants a Budweiser” and then she loudly whispers to Randy, “He hates how social I am.”
Pieper, 23, Graduate Student
Pieper is a 23-year-old graduate student from Happy Valley, Oregon who looks like she stars in a Disney series. Pieper’s bio says that she “is not into picnics because the idea of sitting on the ground and eating is not appealing to her.” I’ve never agreed with a statement more in my life. I’m never sitting on the ground again. From this day forth I will never look like a kindergartner during snack time. I will never again be criss-cross-apple-saucing and having my balls go numb while hunching over a paper plate. I want to vote for Pieper for President. I want to create a secret police that throws people in jail for sitting on the ground while eating. I want to take this opportunity to tell people that if they ever invite me to sit on the ground for a picnic, I will pick up their sandwich, lick it, kick their picnic basket over and then never speak to them again. Thank you, Pieper, for giving me the strength to live my truth.
Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer
Rachael is a 24-year-old graphic designer from Cumming, Georgia who describes herself as a “hopeless romantic.” Here’s a quote from Rachael:
“At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others. Life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times, but if you have someone by your side that loves you more than they love themselves, that makes it all worth it in the end.”
This is why I can’t stand anyone who describes themself as a “hopeless romantic.” They say crap like that and you can’t really question them. We all just kind of nod our heads. But, “life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times.” Ummm what happened to Rachael!? Couldn’t she have stopped at “difficult?” What are we getting into with Rachael? “Dark” could literally mean anything from “a guy ghosted Rachael” to “Rachael partied on a haunted burial ground in high school and now her whole family is dead.”
Saneh, 25, IT Consultant
Saneh is a 25-year-old IT consultant from Denver who says she “loves any activity that puts her in the great outdoors—from hiking and kayaking to sunrise yoga at Red Rocks Amphitheater.” You see stuff like this all of the time on dating apps. This “active, fit, I’m always outside, adventure person” and I’ve never actually met them in real life. Maybe Saneh does sunrise yoga but like, what about sleeping until 11 and having to remember where you are because you drank too much last night? It’s just always all fitness and no reality. These people are like koalas—I’ve seen pictures but never a real one in daylight. Like, I have friends. I’ve dated. I have a girlfriend. She has friends. Not one of those people is ever like, “Let’s get a beer next week after I come back from belaying off a rock face!” If anything, it’s the opposite. Every person I know is like, “Sometimes I make nachos with American cheese slices because that’s the only thing that makes me happy.” Maybe all of these outdoors people are in Denver. They all march up and down mountains and discuss IPAs and the things they keep in their cargo pockets.
Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist
Sarah is a 24-year-old broadcast journalist from San Diego whose picture seems computer generated to show you how a perfectly symmetrical face would look. Sarah’s bio says that “finding a man whose commitment to faith is as strong as hers” is very important. Why do these people come on The Bachelor? I’ll never understand how someone’s like, “Wait, there’s a show where one man dates 30 women?! And I can apply?! Well, gosh darn it! I hope he likes going to church after he’s gotten blown by all 30!!”
Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant
Serena C. is a 24-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco who says she “needs a man who wants to be professionally successful, but is also a free spirit like her with dreams of traveling the world.” That quote shows you how delusional young people are about their future partner. There’s no such thing as a professionally successful free spirit. You get one or the other. You either get a flip flop-wearing, Ayahuasca-drinking, back of the plane-sitting, Airbnb-staying poor person, or you get a belt-wearing, decaf coffee-drinking, first class-sitting, five star hotel-staying rich person. And if you want kids, then you get a minivan and a mediocre house with one trip to Disney that makes you want to abandon those kids at five years old. At 24, your Elon Musk is out there and as you get older you just hope your partner has no college debt.
Serena P., 22, Publicist
Serena P. is a 22-year-old publicist from Toronto who says she is “chronically hangry.” That’s just a coded way of saying “I’m an asshole who doesn’t take responsibility for my behavior.” I put describing yourself as “hangry” in the same category as saying “I’m just sarcastic” and “nobody gets my sense of humor” and “everyone’s so sensitive.” These are all assholes who, instead of making any changes or looking in the mirror at all, give themselves a character description and we all have to just accept it. It’s always, “Sorry I was just hangry! This is what happens when you don’t feed me!!” As if they’re a 4-year-old who has the ability to pay rent but no strength to open the fridge for an apple. I’m going to start calling myself “Horngry” anytime I get mad and then go masturbate and come out of the bathroom and be like, “Sorry! I was just horngry! That’s what happens when you don’t lick my nuts!!”
Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist
Sydney is a 28-year-old marketing specialist from Nashville who says her family would describe her as “opinionated.” I love that. Your family will always describe you with very kind honesty. I can see a dad being asked about Sydney and the dad rolling his eyes while simply saying, “She’s got a lot of OPINIONS.” That means she doesn’t hold back even when it’s annoying and she probably should. It’s why your uncle calls your cousin who has a lot of sex “flirty.” And your mom calls your racist uncle “a drunk.” This all means Sydney is about to be your next favorite person on The Bachelor. She will be the voice of the audience. I’m counting on her to ask one of the woman how they became a 21-year-old “fashion entrepreneur” and if the fashion entrepreneur company is taking any new hires soon.
Victoria, 27, Queen
Victoria’s awful, but I think that’s what she wants us to think. Her whole bio is basically saying that she’s on the show to make a name for herself. She described her job as “Queen” and mentions a “jetsetter lifestyle” and says that spirituality plays a big role in her life and she loves that she has no filter. Like, those are all squares in the game of Douchebag Bingo. I’ve always dreamt of living my life the way Victoria describes hers. Walking around without that voice in her head that’s just screaming, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU JUST USED THE WORD SPIRITUALITY AND IF ANYONE ASKED YOU WHAT THAT MEANT THEN YOU’D HAVE NO ANSWER!!! YOU’RE LIVING TOO FAST AND LOOSE!! YOU’RE NOT A QUEEN WHO JET-SETS!! YOU WENT TO A MEDIOCRE STATE SCHOOL AND YOU’LL BE LUCKY TO EVER RETIRE!!” So, yes, Victoria’s awful but I also envy her.
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We’re in the midst of a busy time for Bachelor Nation, and it didn’t come a moment too soon. After months of being force-fed third-tier Bachelor content (first it was Listen To Your Heart, followed by the 12 minutes of throwback content stretched into 30 hours that was The Bachelor: The Greatest Seasons — Ever!), things are finally back on track. Clare Crawley found her one true love, Tayshia’s season of The Bachelorette is in full swing, and last night, ABC gave us a sneak peek at Matt James’ season of The Bachelor. It’s all finally happening.
Matt’s season premieres on January 4th, and while that sounds like it’s a long time from now, it’s less than eight weeks away. Tayshia will have to hurry it up, because come 2021, we’re shifting our focus to scenic… Pennsylvania. While The Bachelorette opted for the California desert and they’re basically just having every date at a different swimming pool, The Bachelor filmed at Pennsylvania’s Nemacolin Woodlands Resort, so for the first time ever, we’re getting The Bachelor in the woods.
Okay, so we’re not actually like, in the woods. As you can see, the hotel is still fancy AF. We get a glimpse of the classic limo entrances, and already this place looks way more grand than Clare and Tayshia’s desert oasis. Even the Bachelor mansion doesn’t have an entrance staircase like that! Nice to see that ABC has literally rolled out the red carpet for this season. They show us a handful of women stepping out of the limos, and while I’m not bothering to look up anyone’s name yet, I’m already rooting for the woman in the white dress who trips up the stairs. A relatable queen.
From there, ABC cuts directly to the money shot. Matt James, shirtless, walking through a field of grass directly toward the camera. Whoever was in charge of getting this footage, please drop your Venmo in the comments so I can thank you properly for your service.
We also get several quick flashes of him making out with various women, and at least a few of them are in one of those rustic wooden hot tubs—I’m loving the fall vibes already. Matt also tells Chris Harrison that he’s never been in love before, to which Chris replies “my job is to change that.” Really Chris? I haven’t seen his contract, but I’m pretty sure his job is to show up for 45 seconds each episode and make sure no one’s checking into the fantasy suite too soon. He’s no Millionaire Matchmaker, that’s for sure.
There’s a lot to take in during this brief preview, but my favorite shot is from what appears to be the cocktail party on the first night. I don’t know what this camera angle is, but it looks like they pulled it from one of the hotel security cameras and just decided to use it in the show. Also, why is there a massive fish just lying on the table, and a naked statue/mannequin in the background? Maybe this hotel isn’t as fancy as I thought?
Overall, this preview doesn’t give us much context for what’s actually going to happen on the season—though it does give us a lot of vocal fry—but the excitement level is still high. Of course, Matt’s casting as the first Black Bachelor is an important, long-overdue milestone for the series, but he I just feel like he’s going to do a good job (and that prediction is only 50% based off that aforementioned abs shot). Also, the women look gorgeous, and I can’t wait to find out more about them—and by that, I mean to find out what job descriptions they’ve come up with that are just clever ways of saying “aspiring influencer.”
Here’s the full preview video—January can’t come soon enough!
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Six months ago, we watched as Pilot Pete’s tragic season of The Bachelor came to an end, and hoped that a brighter day might be just around the corner. We no longer had to watch Peter be the least decisive man in America every Monday night, Hannah Ann and Madi were free to live their best influencer lives, and Clare Crawley was ready to get things in Bachelor Nation back on track. Then… Well, you know what happened after that, and here we are in October still waiting for Clare’s season to premiere.
That fateful premiere night is now less than two weeks away, and ABC finally gave us something real to talk about this week, when they released the official contestant bios for the men who will be competing for Clare’s heart (and probably Tayshia’s heart too, TBA). I will say that this year, ABC made the men slightly more difficult for us to roast, but nevertheless, we persist. As always, we’re breaking down the contestants on the season, so you can fill out your brackets and speculate what the f*ck will actually happen on this historic season.
28, Software Salesman, Playa Del Rey, CA
We’re starting off this group of Instagram model hopefuls with someone who, dare I say, looks normal?? Has ABC actually learned to stop casting a bunch of male models (but why male models) and trying to convince us they are actually here for love? I do feel like AJ is going a bit far in the other direction, basically admitting he has a thing for cougars: “AJ certainly does not steer toward younger women and is very excited to pursue a woman like Clare”. Ironically, though, he has a fear of tigers, which means he’ll never binge Tiger King with you.
29, Army Ranger Veteran, Venice, CA
Ben is a “sweet midwestern guy” who looks like he would be anything but sweet when he gets cut off at the bar. Ben is giving me slight Chad Johnson vibes since his favorite indulgence is an ice bath, as in, the thing athletes do after a workout to recoup. That’s your indulgence? Mine is ice cream, but close, I guess. He also once flew across the country to see a girl he’d never met in person before… wait a minute. Ben, you can’t count what you’re going to do on the show towards your bio! I’m actually kind of concerned that he’s done that before.
36, Wealth Management Consultant, NYC
If you don’t offer to split the bill on your first date with Bennett, he will be contacting his attorney and send you an invoice. I’m guessing that Bennett was a fat kid growing up, because his bio alludes to him growing into himself and says he hasn’t always been “this successful and good looking.” One of his hobbies is walking the High Line in “his favorite Belgian loafers”, which just continues to fuel the “do you know who my dad is” vibes I’m picking up on.
31, Male Grooming Specialist, Phoenix, AZ
Move over, initials, because we’re getting full last names with these guys! We have not one, but two Blake M’s, so I can’t wait to see how this will play out on camera. Our first Blake M is an athlete who was forced into retirement due to a debilitating injury, which I’m sure casting ate up. I really couldn’t find anything wrong with this Blake until I got to this sentence: “Blake’s dream woman is incredibly secure in herself and has done the work to become the best version of them possible.” I just feel like the type of guy who says this is the type of guy who will call you crazy when you call him out for talking to other women…
29, Wildlife Manager, Hamilton, ON
Other Blake M. seems super outdoorsy, and is from Canada, which is a huge plus right now. But I’m getting some red flags because Blake all but says that he’s only looking to settle down because all his friends are wifed up and now he has nobody to hang out with. That’s something you admit after six weeks of dating when you won’t bring her around to meet your family, Blake! You don’t lead with that!!
28, Real Estate Agent, Cleveland, OH
Ok, now we’ve reached the male model coalition. Brandon hates “Debbie Downers” and never wants to see the girl he’s dating cry. Brandon definitely has “good vibes only” on his dating app profile and will hold you to that. I hate him with pretty much every fiber of my being.
30, Commercial Roofer, Milford, MA
Brendan, whose eyes are boring through to my soul, is “all about that initial attraction when meeting a woman.” In other news… he’s a straight guy. Groundbreaking. His high school friends call him “BMoney” which means that nobody has ever called him BMoney and he has been trying to force that nickname since the tenth grade. Stop trying to make BMoney happen!
31, IT Account Executive, San Diego, CA
And here I thought Chasen is a fake name only used in memes to satirize millennials! Chasen’s nickname is “Wolverine” because he recovers and heals quickly, and not at all because he will cut you. He also “loves women who take pride in staying fit,” so god forbid you eat a granola bar in his presence.
27, Landscape Design Salesman, Salt Lake City, UT
Chris’s goal is to travel to 200 countries and still has 180 to go, which is like me saying my life aspiration is to become a millionaire with my $200 in my bank account. I can’t fault the guy for dreaming big, at least!
31, Former Pro Football Wide Receiver, Brandon, SD
I mean, what do I say about Dale that isn’t a spoiler? He’s so hot I could die, he loves Oprah, he’s an ambassador for the Special Olympics… I’m beginning to think Dale is not actually a real person, but rather, a simulation of every woman’s masturbation fantasy. The only real con is that he’s from South Dakota.
26, Spin Cycling Instructor, Scottsdale, AZ
Demar is “diligently on the hunt” for his wife at only 26 years old, but his dream is to be a DJ on the Las Vegas Strip. The fact that he can’t understand why those two goals are mutually exclusive is probably why he’s still single.
29, Sports Marketing Agent, Newport Beach, CA
Diggy was one thing—can you imagine going to your dad like, “Dad, this is my fiancé, Eazy.” Another footballer, Eazy has “dreams of world domination”. Weird flex, but okay. If you want to be the Pinky to his The Brain, then he’s the guy for you.
36, Health Care Salesman, Miami, FL
In true Miami fashion, Ed is “looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” I’m sorry, but guys who say this are just f*cking dumb. They think Kim Kardashian’s everyday contour is a “natural” look and don’t even know that eyelash extensions are a thing. Ed would be shocked to find out how many women in New York City have subtle lip injections.
34, Professor of Journalism, North Hollywood, CA
Garin sounds extremely fun, but not at all ready to be in anything resembling a serious relationship. Case in point: he admits he loves being the center of attention, spends his free time DJing, and likes being the source of energy for the night. My “here for the wrong reasons” radar is going off, but at least he’ll be fun on Paradise. HMU if you want to take shots, G.
28, Aeronautical Engineer, Dallas, TX
Ivan is a “recovered Crocs enthusiast”, proving that beauty does not equal brains. Ya hate to see it. He says “intelligence is a huge aphrodisiac” to him, so hopefully he’s not the kind of person who makes being a “sapiosexual” a huge part of his personality. Does anyone outwardly admit they prefer dumb people?
31, Former Pro Football Lineman, Arlington, VA
Jason likes to drink coffee in bed, meaning he lives on the edge. Then again, he likes to spend his time visiting Arlington monuments, so he’s kind of like my dad. The man has got range!
29, Fitness Director, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Jay, The Bachelorette’s own Tom Haverford, says “every song Drake puts out is a banger.” Of all the things you would want to communicate about your personality, why put that? No word on if Jay also calls eggs “pre-birds” or “future birds”, but I’m standing by and will update this piece if necessary
40, Banker, Washington, DC
Jeremy looks exactly like what I would expect a 40-year-old banker living in DC to look like. He says his love language is “witty banter”, which means he also probably thinks he’s not an asshole, he’s just sarcastic and honest, and he loves having fun. He also says he hates Instagram models, both male and female, which is just what every aspiring Instagram model would want you to think.
36, Anesthesiologist, NYC
Joe is a COVID-19 survivor, so I am going to try to limit my roasting. I’ll say this: his favorite childhood game is Scrabble, which paints a picture of a pretty bleak childhood. What, no Sorry? No Trouble? No Candyland? You played an educational vocabulary game for fun??
26, Software Account Executive, NYC
I really respect Jordan C walking out of the set of Hitch and right onto The Bachelorette, with his open shirt, chain necklace, and thin-framed glasses. Jordan “dreams of owning a dog named Maverick” which is not really a difficult dream to achieve, even in NYC. Everyone I know has a dog. You can do it, man!
30, Cyber Security Engineer, Santa Monica, CA
Jordan M is 6’8”, which should allow him to coast through the first few weeks unscathed. He likes staying active and hiking (yawn), but also participates in hacking competitions in his spare time. I can’t decide whether that’s hot or scary, but if he really wants to impress us, he should like, hack into ABC’s computers and rig the season to his benefit. (Or I can think of another thing he could hack…) His favorite Sunday activity is cleaning, which means if Clare doesn’t pick him (she doesn’t), the women of Instagram will snap him up in a heartbeat.
39, Boy Band Manager, Chicago, IL
Kenny manages boy band cover bands for a living (yes, really), and his bio contains not one, not two, but THREE NSYNC puns. Remember, Kenny manages cover bands, so he has nothing to do with the actual NSYNC. Kenny is looking for a woman who is “not controlling, fake or wrongly opinionated,” which means he’s got a healthy track record. Yikes! Big Luke P vibes. Kenny also hates cheese and thinks the ideal time for a date is Sunday morning, so he already has three big strikes against him. Hopefully, Clare eliminates this psychopath immediately.
38, Digital Media Advisor, Calgary, Alberta
Mike is extremely Canadian: he loves skiing and ice hockey, he’s a member of a Shania Twain fan club, and he also claims to be very nice. Honestly, that all sounds pretty delightful (minus the skiing), but Mike has to go and ruin it by saying that if he could live in any time period, “he would live during the Jurassic years so he could roam through life with the dinosaurs.” This is like, the worst possible answer to this question, though I guess I respect the creativity because I’ve never heard that terrible response before.
37, Chef, Austin, TX
Assuming Clare doesn’t end up choosing Page, I’d like to throw my hat in the ring. He’s apparently an accomplished chef and “cannot relate to people woh like football”. Same. The one thing that makes me nervous is that he “loves to hang out with his buddies and debate social and political issues.” It’s too soon to know, but let’s hope that doesn’t skew into Garrett territory.
30, Attorney, Long Island City, NY
It feels weird to specify that Riley lives in Long Island City when everyone else just gets to say NYC, but maybe he just has a chip on his shoulder about not being able to afford Manhattan rent (same). His bio talks about “the grind” of working as a medical malpractice attorney—not exactly the profession I think of when I think of “the grind”, but sure. Riley loves baseball, but he f*cking hates museums, with his bio saying “please don’t ask him to go to a museum with you because that’s not going to happen.” Who hurt you?
31, Insurance Broker, Tampa, FL
I know in my heart that this man is not Robby Hayes, but I still feel like he could be Robby Hayes. Have we not been through enough in 2020? This Robby played college baseball at FSU before moving home to work for the family insurance company. He now “splits his time between Tampa and Los Angeles,” so he’s primed and ready for his career as an influencer to take off. Robby is looking for a woman who “has a sweet personality and won’t mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course,” because this is still 1950, apparently.
27, Lawyer, Morgantown, WV
I have to say, I feel like being a Tyler C at this point in the Bachelorette timeline is a big disadvantage. Our beloved Tyler Cameron left some really big abs to fill, and I just don’t see this self-described “Matthew McConaughey stan” from West Virginia living up to his legacy. His bio says that growing up, he “rarely left his bubble and wasn’t very social,” so honestly, he might actually be thriving this year. But this bargain bin Tyler C really loses me when he’s described as “a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and cowboy by night,” which sounds like the plot of a new NBC drama that will get canceled after three episodes. Tyler just “needs a cowgirl to ride off into the sunset with,” and I need a f*cking drink.
36, Music Manager, Georgetown, TX
Moving on from Tyler Cameron’s shadow, we have Tyler S, who is finally putting himself first after years of managing his brother’s music career. His brother, Granger Smith, is a country singer with over a million monthly listeners on Spotify, so it’s not surprising at all that he’s actually performed on an episode of The Bachelorette before. Tyler is a big family guy—his bio contains the word “mama” twice—and his stipulation for a partner is that she should be “willing to adopt his family as their own.” Is this a family or a cult?
30, Medical Device Salesman, Daphne, AL
Yosef’s reason for coming on the show boils down to bitterness, and I’m loving his energy. Basically, he got married at 24 and had a daughter, but the marriage didn’t last. His ex-wife got remarried in February, and “while he is happy for her, he says now it’s his turn to find love.” This is the biggest f*ck you move ever, and I love the unabashed pettiness. Yosef’s fun facts are a wild ride, ranging from the fact that he “loved his Velcro sneakers” as a kid (join the club), to the fact that he “was once catfished on a dating app” (again, join the club). Why do I feel like his entire personality will be his divorce?
36, Addiction Specialist, Haddonfield, NJ
I can’t help but feeling that Zac C looks like he’s trying to sell me something, and that something is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It’s just something in the eyes, I think. He is a proud sneakerhead, which I find a little hard to believe given that dad polo. He also “prefers to keep it old school and gets his news from reading the morning paper”, which sounds a lot more like it.
37, Cleaning Service Owner, St. George, UT
There had to be at least one stalker in the cast, and Zach J proudly admits that he’s had a “major crush” on Clare since Juan Pablo’s season. He’s adamant that he’s “only here because he believes Clare is the perfect woman for him,” so I have a feeling things could get rough for him after a couple episodes, depending on how the spoilers pan out. Zach is also “obsessed with gum and Chapstick,” but “HATES jazz music.” I’m just picturing this guy furiously snapping his gum and applying lip balm while stealing Clare away from all the other guys, and the producers troll him with jazz music scoring. Can’t wait.
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Well, well, well, so we meet again Bachelor fam. Somehow we’ve made it to week four of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor, and the only person I’m actively rooting for at this point is Kelsey’s champagne bottle. Last week’s episode was a little dullsville for me. It felt like I was watching a two-hour fight I had with my sister
in middle school last week over her stealing my shirt. You know, if that shirt were a commercial air pilot whose claim to fame involved desecrating windmills. Here’s hoping this week ABC actually steps it up in the drama department. And on that note, let’s dive right into this recap.
We start things off this week with Chris Harrison announcing that Peter and his copilots are headed to the exotic land of Cleveland! Tbh the only thing I know about Cleveland is that Tristan Thompson motorboated some random hoes at a nightclub there whilst he had a 9-months-pregnant Kardashian sitting at home alone. Yeah, that feels like a place that has the right energy to meet your future wife. Carry on.
The women are also confused by the choice of Cleveland. At this point in Colton’s season they were all headed to Singapore, but instead these ladies are being treated to a wild few days away in middle America. Somehow it doesn’t have the same ring to it. I can’t wait to find out which of them had their passport suspended after an incident that involved too much Pinot Grigio and is responsible for this purgatory.
Okay, this is a VERY nice travel montage ABC has whipped together here. Can you FaceTune a city? Because Cleveland is starting to look like a mecca of art and culture over here. I love that the women are equally shocked by how nice Cleveland is. One girl is like “This is… Ohio, you say??” and says it with all of the confidence of a person who has never been further than an hour away from some sort of coast.
Victoria F’s One-On-One Date
Victoria gets the first date card of the Cleveland trip, and I’ve been waiting for this date all season long. There’s been a rumor going around that Victoria F actually used to date one of the musicians ABC brings out for the one-on-one dates, and this is the kind of content I live for.
Meanwhile, Victoria just KNOWS that the producers are going to push her off a cliff or something, because she strategically said in her pre-production interviews that she’s “so scared of heights.” Oh, sweetie. That’s cute that you think the producers are going to go for the low-hanging fruit like acrophobia when they can just take a grenade to your personal life instead.
VICTORIA: Oooh, why are we at an airport??
Because that’s where Peter takes literally all his dates, you idiot! He’s a pilot, haven’t you heard? You should only be surprised if you’re NOT at an airport.
Peter parks his plane at Cedar Point, which I’m told is a very popular amusement park, but it’s no Busch Gardens, so we’ll see about that. Victoria continues to play up the whole “I’m scared of heights” thing and it’s not like I don’t believe her or anything, but she also said she was scared to model during the group date last week and then closed the show in lingerie and a trench coat.
Not only did Peter close down this amusement park for Victoria, but he also set up a private concert for the two of them and OH MY GOD SHE REALLY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT’S COMING LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. The look on her face when she realizes her ex, Chase Rice, will be the one to serenade her and her new boyfriend that she shares with 17 other women is f*cking priceless.
CHASE RICE: Are you two having a good time?!
Guys, this show kills me. It’s actually a farce at this point. Peter is looking at Victoria like he’s so in love with her and Victoria is looking like she would rather eat glass than have to pretend to be into Peter and his salsa hips in front of her much-more-famous ex.
I love that Peter is talking with Chase Rice and Chase Rice tells him he’s from Virginia just like Victoria, and he STILL doesn’t put two and two together as Victoria cowers and cries in the corner. Peter, come on! The clues are all there!
OH MY GOD IS SHE TALKING TO HER EX CHASE RICE WHILE ON A DATE WITH PETER?! Is she?! Look, that’s only okay when Peter does it with Hannah Brown. Don’t get it twisted, Victoria!!
Wow, Chase Rice does not seem into her at all. This is making me think that maybe they just hooked up a few times when he was in town and now she’s mistaken that for an actual relationship. This point is further driven home for me when she asks Chase Rice what should she tell Peter about the two of them and he can’t even seem to place how he knows her.
Victoria decides that she needs to tell Peter about her thing with Chase Rice—it’s the honest thing to do. I just hope she’s able to hide the humble brag in her tone, lest she take a skewer to whatever scraps of self-esteem Peter has left from this franchise.
VICTORIA: I don’t want Peter to be sad that I’ve banged someone much hotter and much more famous than him, you know?
CHASE RICE WATCHING THIS AT HOME RN: I would like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of since 2019.
Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening, and Peter makes a comment about how they could have Chase Rice sing at their wedding. I want to disintegrate into my couch. The producer who told him to say that has the blackest heart, I swear to god.
Victoria tells Peter that Chase Rice is her ex-boyfriend, but it’s over between the two of them and, just to be clear, she ended things with him because his lifestyle didn’t fit in with hers. And it’s like, wow, what a narrative you have there, Victoria. Kris Jenner would be proud of that pivot.
Peter is very confused by Victoria’s announcement. He’s looking at Victoria right in front of him and thinking about Chase Rice from hours before and it’s not computing for him. He’s like “Chase Rice the musician? The guy that was just on stage?”
Victoria leaves the room overcome with emotion that I’m sure has everything to do with Peter and nothing at all to do with the brush-off Chase Rice gave her earlier in the day. Honestly, I don’t know why she’s crying. I feel like we aren’t getting the whole story here. If she truly dumped Chase Rice and she’s truly over him then what is she so upset for? Peter’s not going to dump her. If anything, he’s going to want to sleep with her even more. He’s got to figure out what sort of golden vagina she has that she was able to ensnare the headliner for Stagecoach 2020.
And what do you know! Peter gives Victoria the rose. Take that, Chase Rice! I’m sure this will not keep you up at night at all.
The Group Date
For the group date, Peter takes the girls to the Browns stadium and he says it as if any of these girls will give a sh*t. I’m sure there will be at least one girl to feign interest because she’s “not like the other girls” and that’s the one you need to look out for, Peter. If she can fake being overly hype about this date, then she can certainly fake other things with you in that windmill. Oh, and look! That girl is Tammy!
We learn that the women will be split into two teams to compete in a football scrimmage, and the winning team gets to go to the cocktail party. Peter seems to think that pitting the women against each other will make for some good wholesome fun, but a very different picture is being painted on my television screen rn.
It’s less like a pickup game of football and more like the millennial hunger games. These girls are out for blood. You’ve got Deandra full-on body slamming bitches into the ground. At one point I half expect her to scream out a “welcome to the OC, bitch” as she rubs MyKenna’s face into the grass. Then there’s Shiann, who is acting like the outcome of this game will save all of China from the Huns. I’m horrified. Honestly, I’m watching these girls rip out each other’s hair extensions on the field right now, and I can’t even imagine where I would be if I were on this date. Probably faking a back injury on the sidelines like Hot Victoria.
Holy sh*t. These girls are taking this game VERY seriously. I haven’t seen this much aggression and outright rough housing since my neighbor forced me to join her rec league kickball team and they stuck me on third base in the playoffs. I’m still talking to my therapist about those games.
In a shocking twist of events, the yellow team manages to tie up the game at the last minute, which means BOTH teams will be going on the group date tonight. The pink team is pissed about this outcome, but tbh there was no way in hell production was going to let a pot stirrer like MyKenna sit at home during the rest of this group date. Please.
As we enter into the cocktail portion of the evening, all the women are on edge. Nothing is fair in love and war, and it’s certainly not fair on a 13-person group date. Tensions are high when Hot Victoria, who didn’t even actually compete in the scrimmage because if the weather forecast says there’s a 3% chance of rain in the next 10 days then her right elbow starts to hurt and she didn’t want to chance it, swoops in and steals Peter first.
Okay, WHAT. ALAYAH IS BACK?! Can you just show up on this show whenever you feel like it? It’s not even like they’re still back at the Bachelor mansion, they’re in Cleveland for god’s sake! How did she even find them? Did she track them down through Twitter threads of fan sightings or something? Because I’m impressed.
ALAYAH: Can I steal him for a sec?
We learn that Alayah is back on the show to clear her good name. Even though just last week we saw her get wine drunk, put on a captain’s hat, and declare she’d like Peter to take her to the mile high club, she doesn’t want America to get the wrong idea about her. She tells Peter that Hot Victoria is a liar and that they’ve known each other for way longer than the three hours Hot Victoria claimed they had. She even knows what the P in Victoria P’s last name stands for!
I love watching Hot Victoria dig her own grave. She’s like “well we did only know each other for three hours but, like, three hours of each day of the seven-day pageant competition and then we might have exchanged numbers and gone on a girls’ trip to Cabo after but I just don’t know, Peter. I DON’T KNOW!”
“My truth is the truth,” Hot Victoria says as she lies through her teeth.
Look, I’m not saying I don’t believe Hot Victoria, but that was a VERY cozy hug she just gave Alayah. Certainly not a hug you give a person you’ve only known for three hours, unless those three hours were spent waiting in line for a bathroom after 1am.
You can tell Peter’s not buying Victoria’s story because he actually asks Alayah to come back to the house, even if it means that the women will form an angry mob and burn him at the stake for it. But, you know, follow your heart and everything, Peter.
OMG HE GIVES ALAYAH THE ROSE WHEN SHE WASN’T EVEN ON THE DATE. Wooooowwww. No wonder Reality Steve hasn’t been able to spoil the season yet. Peter can’t end up with anyone if the women all murder him and hide his body in Ohio.
High off her group date rose, Alayah attempts to reform old alliances in the house by updating the girls on what they’ve missed on Instagram. God, she knows how to read a room. She’s like “guys, I got to Google!!! Go grab some wine and meet in my room for the dirt!”
She tells the women all about Victoria’s past with Chase Rice, and the women look just as confused as Peter was when he heard the news. You can tell they’re all questioning the validity of said relationship, because why tf would Victoria be on this show if she’s been getting hot and heavy with country music stars?
Kelsey’s One-On-One Date
Kelsey gets the second one-on-one date of the week and I’m truly so proud of her. This is a girl who, just two weeks ago, spewed champagne all over her face on national television and locked herself in a closet to wail about it. And now she’s on a one-on-one date! This is the comeback story we need in 2020!! If she can recover from something like that, it gives me hopes that I can recover from that one time I got drunk at brunch and slid into Joey from The Circle’s DMs. Not all heroes wear capes!
Peter updates her about the Alayah situation and Kelsey gives a GREAT answer. She says that she doesn’t blame him for bringing her back and that he should figure out this relationship for himself and THAT, ladies, is how you secure your spot for the next 2-3 weeks. She’s not trying to start drama or talk sh*t or blame Peter. Outwardly she’s showing support, but inwardly she’s plotting Alayah’s demise. This is called maturity, ladies, take note!
Honestly, I’m really surprised at how into her Peter is. I feel like we haven’t really seen much of Kelsey for him to be this invested. Kelsey is also surprised by the attention and makes a plan to hold it by bringing up her sordid past: her family’s divorce. I can’t wait to hear what other trauma she reveals. Did she fall off her bike once too?
Peter tells her that he can relate to the trauma of growing up as a child of divorce because once upon a time his grandparents came to America from Cuba. Really grasping at straws for a connection here, aren’t we, Peter?
Kelsey gets the date rose, and she really deserves it for sitting through that entire dinner and not mocking Peter once for his turtleneck. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Victoria finds out that Alayah revealed to the rest of the girls all about
that one time she blew Chase Rice in Charlotte her past relationships. She’s upset that Alayah would dare reveal that story when she only just told Peter yesterday. It’s her truth to tell, Alayah!!
The Rose Ceremony
At long last we reach the rose ceremony. The women are moments away from a public hanging, but it’s too soon to tell whether it’s Peter’s or Alayah’s. Okay, Peter is far too confident making this toast rn. It’s like watching a baby gazelle take a cool drink of water right before a group of lions rips his throat out. Poor Peter.
Peter can’t even get two words out before Deandra jumps down his throat about being disappointed in his choices. Then Natasha backs her up with Shiann vigorously nodding her head in approval. I really feel like this isn’t the smartest move for them. They’re treating him less like a romantic suitor and more like a mom who just wants her kid to put away his laundry away. I will say I’m LOVING how the women have hijacked this rose ceremony, though.
PETER: So, I’d like to make a toast—
Peter tries to pull Hot Victoria aside first so he can explain himself, and she loses her ever-loving sh*t on him. Wow. The BALLS it takes to lie to someone and then yell at them for being mad that you lied. Bravo, Hot Victoria. I never knew you had this much manipulation in you.
The women continue to rage against Alayah and, you guys, I really don’t understand why everyone hates her so much. She wasn’t trying to be malicious by saying that thing about Chase Rice, she was just trying to make friends. And also, it’s true!! It’s not even like she’s spreading lies. It’s just the truth. I’m not Team Alayah or anything, but they’re acting like she’s the antichrist and not a girl who just wanted to share some hot goss.
I also love that the women, even with all the might and wrath of their coven channeled directly at Peter, honestly think he would send Alayah home when she’s wearing that black dress of sin. She has a slit down to her pubic bone and is showing enough cleavage that she could shoplift a Thanksgiving turkey and hide it in there! I’m sorry, but he’s never going to send her home dressed like that.
And that’s right where the episode ends. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Peter makes it out of Ohio alive. Honestly, it’s too soon to tell. Until then!
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Images: Giphy (4); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1)
We might be deep in the off-season for the Bachelor franchise, but that doesn’t mean the drama is taking a break. Bachelor Nation is still being just as messy as ever on social media, and today we have a random AF new feud to discuss. Somehow, some way, Colton Underwood and Rachel Lindsay are feuding, and I have a lot of questions. Let’s go over what we know.
To understand what’s going on with Colton and Rachel, we have to go back to the recent drama with Rachel and Raven Gates. It’s been a couple weeks since the story of Rachel and Raven’s falling out went public, but we’ve still never gotten details. Trust me, we’ve tried. Something obviously happened, but we will probably never find out what, and that’s beside the point right now. When Us Weekly posted about Rachel and Raven, Colton couldn’t resist giving his opinion in the comments.
As a quick little refresher on the Bachelor timeline, Rachel and Colton were never on any shows together, so it’s unclear what their actual relationship is like. Of course, all of the people in Bachelor Nation are interconnected, so it’s no surprise that these two know/know of each other, but Colton clearly has some beef with Rachel.
Colton later clarified his comment to Us Weekly with the following statement: “I’m not weighing in on the Rachel/Raven drama. I could care less about that, not my business. What is my business is the countless number of times she’s spoke poorly of me … including that time she ran her mouth about me to Cassie… Funny thing is I have never met her.”
Okay, so they’ve never even met each other? Honestly, who has the time to be this petty? Obviously, Colton’s comments only gave us his side of the story, and on Wednesday, Rachel finally spoke on the issue. She went on online talk show Whit & Ry, where she said that she’s too busy to focus on Colton: “I’m so confused as to why he thinks I ran my mouth. It’s so petty to me. As much as I wanted to go at him in the comments section, I just thought, ‘You know what? Excuse me. I need to go interview Oprah Winfrey.’ That was literally my mindset. I don’t have time for this.”
For reference, Rachel interviewed Oprah last week on the red carpet at the opening of Tyler Perry’s studio while working for Extra. Good for her, because I would kill for the ability to even breathe the same air as Oprah. But aside from that, she was adamant that she’s never spoken poorly of Colton to Cassie or anyone else, and she doesn’t understand why he’s coming for her.
She continued, inviting Colton to come on her Bachelor Happy Hour podcast to hash out their issues: “I would love for Colton to actually come on the podcast because what I’m not going to do is entertain you in the comments section of somebody else’s post. What I will do is have a grown-ass conversation with you and we can talk about it, but what I don’t appreciate are the accusations being made because I believe he said I ran my mouth to Cassie.”
Rachel also said that Cassie follows her on Instagram, and that she would “never tell another woman not to be with a man unless I had some type of relationship with her.” Basically, Rachel says that she’s met Cassie before, but doesn’t have any kind of friendship with her where she would comment on her relationship with Colton.
Rachel might not understand Colton’s problems with her, but Colton definitely paid attention to what Rachel had to say, and he responded on Twitter on Wednesday night:
I’ll come on your podcast Rachel. One condition: ask your producer to leave it raw, unedited and untouched. Looking forward to meeting you & pointing out your hypocrisy over the last year. https://t.co/O3yuMYa5Yd
— Colton Underwood (@colton) October 17, 2019
What does Colton think is happening here?? Either there’s some major information we’re missing here, or Colton is overly concerned about Rachel making him look bad. What does he have to say that would be mysteriously edited out of the final podcast? I need to know more about Rachel’s alleged hypocrisy, because if it’s as bad as Colton makes it sound, then there’s a lot of behind the scenes sh*t going on.
All I know is that if this podcast appearance actually happens, it might be the one time I actually tune in to Rachel and Ali’s podcast. I really hope Colton goes on the show, because there’s been a Bachelor-sized hole in my heart since Paradise ended. Spill all the tea, please!! There’s nothing I love more than a tense interview, and I have a feeling Rachel and Colton aren’t going to be super comfortable together. Fight, fight, fight!!!
Betches reached out to Colton Underwood, and he declined to comment for this article.
Images: Shutterstock; usweekly / Instagram; Colton / Twitter