To the surprise of literally everyone I know, I got my first tattoo last weekend! Here’s the story: I have always thought tattoos are cool, but I never bought into the idea of memorializing something important to me with one. Like, I don’t need to get a tattoo of my favorite city to remind myself that I lived there—you know? So I got a tattoo simply because I wanted one, knowing full well that it wasn’t going to mean jack sh*t beyond “this is pretty.” And I am totally happy with that.
My tat is a tiny outline of a heart on the underside of my wrist. I knew I wanted something little because a huge tattoo just doesn’t really go with my general nice Jewish girl vibe, and because if it really hurt, I wanted it to only last like, two minutes. Am I an adult with the pain tolerance of a newborn? You betcha! So if you’re thinking of getting a tattoo, please take the advice of someone with zero regrets and quite a few f*cks to give. These are the mistakes to not make when getting your first tattoo, but could apply for any tattoo.
1. Don’t Get A Cheap Tattoo
My tattoo is literally the size of a pencil eraser and I still spent $100 on it, which I initially thought was absurd. Yes, I live in Manhattan where prices are more inflated than Kylie Jenner’s ass, but a crisp Benjamin for a centimeter of ink? Surely that’s got to be robbery, yes?
No. After doing as much research on this as I did on my thesis in college, I discovered that any good tattoo parlor should have a start price of around $100 (in New York, at least), no matter how small the tattoo. I Yelped all of the cheaper places ($50 and below start price) and they got horrendous reviews. It’s almost as if… you get what you pay for? Of course, there are always exceptions, but when it comes to getting something permanently placed on your body, just pay a little more to ensure it’s exactly what you want. Generally cheaper places use less skilled artists and cheaper ink, which is just a bad combo and leaves a lot of room for mistakes. The lower grade ink, which your body breaks down faster than really good ink, will fade pretty quickly, and on top of that, bad quality ink can bleed over the original lines and smear. Gross. All in all, the last time you want to cut corners or get a Groupon is when you’re getting something stabbed into your body forever. (More on the stabbing shortly.)
2. Don’t Listen To Your Friends
Go with your gut and do everything in your power to not ask for or listen to other people’s opinions. The one benefit to telling people you’re getting your first tattoo is that they’ll hold you accountable and make sure you actually go through with it, but the downsides outweigh the one upside. That’s because everybody has an opinion. Do your best to get what you wanted where you wanted it when you first decided you wanted to get a tattoo. I knew I wanted it on my wrist, but as I was standing there waiting for the stencil to be done, I started having doubts and tried to convince myself that I wanted it on the crook of my arm or behind my ear, so I asked my roommate what she thought and then my brain exploded and it was not pretty. Anyway, guess where it is? It’s on my wrist because that’s where I originally wanted it. Going with your gut is generally life’s main rule, but in the case of getting your first tattoo, it’s especially true.
3. Don’t Ignore Aftercare
Getting a tattoo is essentially a cute collection of tiny stab wounds that are marked with ink so that you can never forget about that time you paid a lot of money to get stabbed by a professional stabber. Thus, a fresh tattoo is an open injury that needs to heal properly or it will look ratchet as hell down the line. For my little tat, I was instructed to keep it covered with a bandage that the shop gave me for a few hours, then gently wash with unscented soap and moisturize with an unscented moisturizer. I used Dr. Bronner’s soap and a tiny bit of Cetaphil, and I am pretty happy with what’s happening on my wrist two days later.
After a few days, the ink starts to scab over and peel on its own. Don’t pick at it! If you pick at it, you will accidentally pull the ink out. Generally, aftercare is a little more crucial for bigger tattoos, but either way, it shouldn’t be ignored if you want to get and keep what you paid for. Can we also acknowledge that my nail polish looks 100 after four days?
4. Don’t Get A Huge First Tattoo
Look, if you’ve never gotten a tattoo before, don’t go big on the first one. Start small, like Maui in Moana did, and make sure you’re into the look and experience before going bigger and/or getting more. Honestly, because it didn’t hurt at all and it’s the literal cutest thing I’ve ever seen, my first tattoo is going to be my gateway to more, and that’s totally fine with me. Starting small is never a bad thing when it comes to most things, anyway. A friend of mine got a stick-and-poke (the OG tattoo method) of a giant bird on her thigh—and guess what? It’s kind of ugly and she doesn’t love it. She also struggles to cover it up because it’s huge. Yikes. Getting a large tat is never a bad thing if it’s what you want, but for your first tattoo, you won’t really have a sense for what’s what, so starting small is the move.
5. Don’t Forget To Research
No matter how lazy you are with work, the shop where you’ll get your first tattoo is one piece of research you should definitely do. Every shop is different and specializes in different styles and techniques. Mine was so tiny that I assumed it’d be really hard to screw up, but after beginning my research binge, I learned that for something so small and dainty, I had to go to a parlor that offered a single-needle machine, which a lot of places do not. And if you’re getting a really intricate design with a lot of shading, you basically need to be on the hunt for Michelangelo, because that stuff is a true art form that can very easily look horrible. Take the time to read reviews and check out different Instagrams for actual examples of the place’s work before booking an appointment or walking in. If you like what you see, reach out and ask questions on questions.
6. Don’t Ignore Your Artist’s Opinion
I know I literally just said to ignore anyone with an opinion, but I didn’t mean ignore the expert. I originally wanted a tiny, filled-in heart with red ink and walked out with a tiny, outlined heart with black ink. Why? My artist, Joel at Fun City Tattoo, basically told me that red ink gets broken up first, meaning it will fade really fast. He also said getting a tiny shape in red on my wrist will likely look like a really infected bug bite, which was 100% not what I was going for. After he suggested doing black ink and not filled in, I thought about it for a bit before remembering that he is an expert and I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, so I should trust him. If you can’t tell, I am obsessed with his work and he was totally right.
Images: Giphy; Unsplash; Instagram
I am so pro-tattoos, guys. I even have one. It’s a teeny design from a literary reference. You know what it’s not? A relationship-related tattoo. Because, unlike many of our favorite celebs, I am not a f*cking moron. For some reason in the world of Hollywood, it’s considered super cool and romantic to get your partner’s name or some kind of matching tat with your current lover. Considering I’ve had milk in my fridge longer than most celebrity relationships, this is a very, very dumb idea. And once their confronted with the realities of their mistake, or the drugs wear off, celebs have no choice but to try to cover up their poor choices. Here are the worst celebrity couples tattoos to remind you to think before you ink.
Pete Davidson & Ariana Grande
The reigning king and queen of tattoo f*ckups, and the source of a lot of drama recently, Ariana and Pete’s short-term relationship resulted in so many tattoos to cover up. Pete had Ariana’s bunny ear mask behind his ear, Ariana has “always” on her ribs in Pete’s handwriting. They have matching tattoos of: hearts, the word “reborn”, “H2GKMO” which apparently means “honest to God, knock me out”, clouds, Pete’s dad’s badge number, the phrase “mille tendresse”, and each other’s name/initials on their ring fingers. Like, how did they even have time for that many couples tattoos? Did they just schedule a recurring weekly appointment? With the end of their engagement, the tattoo cover-ups have started. But joke’s on them, because it seems that they now have new matching tattoos of black hearts—one to cover Pete’s bunny mask and one that covers Pete’s name on Ariana’s finger. Pete also has a teeny A next to his black heart. I guess so he can remember who gave it to him? How poetic.
Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson Show Off Matching Black Heart Tattoos Weeks After Split https://t.co/HGAeEB99OP pic.twitter.com/44kjuaJQhH
— Get Asian News (@GetAsianNews) November 23, 2018
Pete is on this list ~again~ because this is not the only time he’s had to cover up an awful relationship tattoo. Literally, earlier this year, he covered up some real scary tattoos of his ex Cazzie David, as well as some questionable quotes. You’d think he would have learned.
ALSO, Ariana Grande recently covered up *another* tattoo related to Pete. She had previously gotten his dad’s badge number on her foot, but it’s since been covered up with the name “Myron”, which is the name of Mac Miller’s dog. So I guess she’s not that grateful for her ex after all… too soon? You’re right, probably too soon.
Adrienne Bailon & Rob Kardashian
Who even remembers a world where Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon dated total trash like Rob Kardashian? What’s even weirder is the fact that I don’t think he was even trash back then. He was fit, alert, in school at USC, and I think he wanted to go to law school? Who would have thought he’d become the sad sack he is now, with a baby mama like Blac Chyna, and his mom running his sock line? Anyway. Rob’s life took a turn for the pathetic after he cheated on Adrienne, who got her ass TF out. Unforunately, said ass was still branded with Rob’s name. It’s unknown whether Bailon put something else over the probs pretty bad scar left from her tattoo removal, but let’s just hope it’s not another relationship tattoo.
Rob, meanwhile, covered up his Adrienne tattoo on his rib cage with a Rita Ora design that Kim K herself referred to as, “a life-sized Barbie doll that has now turned into a Cabbage Patch” with Rob’s weight gain. Not nice, Kim. We don’t know what it looks like now, but I’m going to say probs not amazing.
Before Angelina was the mother of a litter, she was a wild child who wore vials of other people’s blood as fashion and got celebrity couples tattoos. The “Billy Bob” on her arm is for Billy Bob Thornton, which she eventually got removed and replaced with her kid’s birthplace coordinates. She was Billy Bob’s fifth marriage, so I kinda think she should have seen this coming. At least the cover-up is about her kids and not Brad. You’re stuck with your kids forever.
Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards
Charlie and Denise had a tumultuous relationship, but that didn’t stop them from getting each other’s names tattooed on their limbs. Charlie got his covered up by the anthem of his mental breakdown, “Winning”, and Denise got a v strange little fairy on hers.
Celebrity tattoo fails Link: https://t.co/xkNFQSVal8#DeniseRichards #Celebrity #tattoo #failshttp://ift.tt/1h6Q5VL pic.twitter.com/0PoznQTY9z
— spothifi.com (@onemusic_tv) October 28, 2015
It’s easy to forget that Johnny Depp and Winona Rider were a thing in the 90s/early 2000s, but it’s probably because most of you weren’t even f*cking born yet. Johnny got “Winona Forever” tatted on him after only five months of dating. The couple lasted three years before finally calling it quits and Johnny lasered off part of his tattoo. It now reads “Wino Forever”. I would be mad at it, but it’s a lifestyle. More specifically, my lifestyle.
Images: johnnydeppofficial, angelinajolieofficial / Instagram; onemusic_tv, getasiannews / Twitter; klassicalmuzik / Youtube
Okay fam, it’s been like two weeks and I’m still not over Ariana Grande’s whirlwind relationship with Pete Davidson. Call me old fashioned, but I think all couples should date for at least one full menstrual cycle before getting engaged. Pete and Ariana obviously disagree, and that’s okay I guess. Sure, they’ll look dumb if they break up three months from now, but getting engaged isn’t actually as big of a deal as people make it seem. The engagement is one thing, but there’s another issue that I find far more questionable: Pete Davidson’s rapidly growing collection of Ariana Grande-related tattoos.
Pete Davidson has lots of tattoos, so honestly when he gets a new one it’s barely even noticeable. But it’s not even been two months since he and Ariana started dating (the timeline is iffy but I’ll assume they weren’t cheating with each other), and Pete has no less than four tattoos inspired by her. That’s not nothing. I’ll be completely honest, I don’t have any tattoos. I don’t have any problem with them, and I think they can be really great. But like, that shit is permanent. I learned from Khloé on KUWTK how painful tattoo removal is, so this ink is probably staying on his body forever, or at least a while. In other news, even Pete’s tattoo artist said that he told Pete to “just stop with the girlfriend tats,” so he has at least one source of good advice in his life. I’m no expert, but if your tattoo artist is the sane person in the situation, something has probably gone wrong.
Now that I’ve vented some of those feelings, let’s contextualize some of Pete’s most recent tattoos, and try to fit them into this fucked up relationship timeline.
The Cloud – May 17ish
Our tat timeline begins with a real fucking bang. Buckle up, because it appears that Ariana and Pete got matching cloud tattoos LESS THAN TEN DAYS after they allegedly started dating. I am not okay. The tiny tattoos are on their fingers, and we first saw Pete’s in this Instagram post from May 17. He didn’t announce his breakup with Cazzie David until May 16th (my mind is melting), but he was seen with Ariana for the first time on May 12th. Should I call the police? Ariana’s cloud tattoo made its debut on the Billboard Music Awards on May 20th, a mere 10 days after she announced her split with Mac Miller. What is the rush, people???
AG – June 3ish
This one is pretty straightforward. Pete is in love with Ariana, so he decided to get her initials tattooed on his thumb. Normally, it would seem absolutely wild that Pete got this tattoo less than a month after he and Cazzie David broke up, but he and Ariana had already had matching tattoos for at least two weeks at this point. Who even knows with these two? He also had a tattoo of Cazzie, which he’s now covered up with a giant pine tree. I think that was for the best, since the Cazzie tattoo looks like it was drawn by a third grader. Also, I think my personal rule is that if you need tattoos for more than one relationship in your life, you’ve done something wrong. Pete Davidson is getting tattoos like the world is going to run out of tattoo ink tomorrow.
The Playboy Bunny – June 3ish
At the same time Pete got the AG tattoo, he also got one of Ari’s signature symbols tatted behind his ear. I have less of a problem with this one, because at least it’s like, a visual thing and not just literally someone’s initials. Even though it’s 100% dedicated to Ariana, there’s like, some level of creativity involved. If/when they break up, Pete can just add a body and have a tattoo of some cool bunny-superhero on his neck. I’m basically a tattoo artist, can you tell?
H2GKMO – June 20ish
And now, we arrive at the stupidest piece of this puzzle, “H2GKMO.” If this sounds like nothing to you, it’s because Ariana literally just made it up. It stands for “honest to god, knock me out,” which is something she apparently says all the time on Twitter and it can basically mean anything. Great, I hate it. Ariana and Pete got matching H2GKMO tattoos sometime around June 2oth, after giving their relationship some time to mature (lol). This one seems like kind of an inside joke, because that’s what you do when you get engaged after three weeks of dating. Honest to god, knock me out, because I’m definitely going to be alone forever. Did I use that correctly? No? Who cares.
In the amount of time it takes me to accept that I’ve been ghosted by a guy I barely knew, Pete Davidson has gotten four different Ariana Grande tattoos. There’s also a fifth one that just says “reborn,” but it’s unclear if that’s about Ari, or just the feeling I feel after eating a really good meal. I feel like Pete Davidson loves Ariana Grande the same amount that I love Mexican food. H2GKMO, that’s all I really have to say about it.
Images: @petedavidson / Instagram (2); @jonmesatattoos / Instagram; @londonreese / Instagram; @peteandariana / Instagram
Drake, aka the nicest fanboy in rap, has taken his reputation as hip-hop’s over-eager bar mitzvah boy to the next level with his latest tattoo. I mean, it’s honestly hard to think of a member of the hip hop community who Drake is not low-key obsessed with. Nicki, Rihanna, Kanye (in a love-hate sort of way), the list goes on and on. While we have no problem with a light bromance here and there, Drake has officially taken his
unholy obsession relationship with Lil Wayne to the next level. No, I don’t mean that they’re hooking up with each other (though that would be kind of fun, wouldn’t it?), I’m talking about the fact that Drake got a giant tattoo of Wayne on his arm. Which is like…more than a little strange. I mean, this is some Kylie & Tyga shit for sure. Don’t rappers usually reserve the tattoo memorials for people in their life who has died? As far as I know, Wayne, despite being a literal walking bottle of cough syrup, is still alive. I mean, I get that Wayne was a huge influence for Drake, but this seems a little extreme for friendship. Like, I love my besties, but I’m not going to get any of them tatted on my body anytime soon. Unless one of them gets married – anything can happen at a bachelorette.
Apparently, Drake got the tattoo a few months ago and immediately showed it to Wayne for approval, but he didn’t reveal it publicly until he hosted an event this weekend in a sleeveless basketball jersey, kind of like girls who wait until prom to reveal that they’re pregnant.
Drake is really great at simultaneously being the best and the worst, and this is one of his most questionable decisions. Wayne has long been a mentor to Drake, all the way back to when he signed him to his label in 2009. When Lil Wayne first saw it, he was apparently “beyond floored and honored, since loyalty’s a big deal with him.” Loyalty is great and all, but yeah, we’re still never going to get the Tito’s Vodka logo tattooed on our arm.
So yeah, we’re not sure how we feel about Drake’s latest ink, but we’re pretty sure we hate it. Nope, we’re positive we hate it. 100% positive. Sorry Drake, but you might need to wear sleeves from right now. You’ll live.
In life, there are only a few rules that should really never be broken: don’t talk about fight club, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and don’t ever EVER get a tattoo of a significant other’s name.
We can’t be sure about the first two, but Kylie Jenner definitely broke number three, as she and rapper boyfriend Travis Scott now have matching ink. Because the “T” tattoo for Tyga worked out so well for her relationship. The tattoos are small at least, tiny butterflies just above their ankles, but that doesn’t answer the most important question of “why in the fuck?”
Kylie and Travis have been together since Coachella in April, which, if you have basic math skills, you know was approximately two months ago. Sorry, but two months isn’t even close to the amount of time that makes a matching tattoo an option. Really, it shouldn’t ever be an option, but if you have to do it, at least wait until your wedding or something that actually matters. Like, I have food in the fridge older than Kylie and Travis’ relationship. We’re not here to tell you how to live your life, but don’t do that shit, you’ll end up looking stupid.
The meaning of the tattoo is apparently from Travis’ new song “Butterfly Effect,” which is obviously about Kylie. We can’t really understand any of the lyrics because we’re not up to date on the ~slang~, but he basically says she’s sweet like a candy cane and that their love is “icy like a hockey puck.” Oooh, sounds very romantic. We should probably go analyze Kylie’s new eyeshadow palette for hidden references to Travis, but tbh we don’t care that much.
So now that these two young lovers are inked together, how long until the curse of the couples tattoo strikes? We’ll give it six months so they can capture the whole thing on camera for the upcoming Life of Kylie TV show, but it’s not promising.
I have a lot of pastimes and most of them include me judging people from afar. But nothing brings me more joy than talking shit about people and their tiny—excuse me, micro—tattoos. It’s the simple things, really. Remember when tramp stamps were all the rage? Yeah, those are so over, they’re done, and tiny tattoos have become the new norm for those looking to express their latent daddy issues. (I say all of this like I don’t have at least two Pinterest boards devoted to tiny tattoos and “cute” placements—I totally fucking do.) But whether you realize it or not, your tiny tattoo speaks VOLUMES about you and probably the life you lead on Instagram. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here’s how much of a self-absorbed asshole you are based on your choice of tiny tattoo:
Something From Harry Potter
First of all, I would just like to say that Potterheads are the reason I drink. There’s something unsettling about a bunch of twentysomething adults who throw whole costume parties with a theme that encourages you to dress up as an 11-year-old boy. Also, never, under any circumstances, mention around these people that you have either read Harry Potter/liked Harry Potter at one point in your life/have a vague thought about the movie adaptation, because they will take that shit and run with it. It’s like you say one thing about Harry Potter and suddenly they want to challenge you to a verbal duel so they can prove that they know
very creepy, minute details about a prepubescent fictional boy more about Harry Potter than you do. Like, no I do not know who the fuck Harry’s apparition instructor was in his sixth year at Hogwarts, but I do know that I would like to be excluded from this narrative please. Thanks. Second of all, if you’re getting a Harry Potter tattoo because Harry Potter is “your favorite book” that doesn’t make you special. Like, you and every other virgin who can’t drive self-proclaimed Hufflepuff in the world. Do us all a favor and leave your freak flag in the chat room at home where it belongs.
A Tiny Heart And/Or Other Tiny Object
This is the type of person who spends a lot of their time finding new ways to incorporate mason jars into their home décor. It’s okay, we were all thinking it. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that they’re also the type of girl who loooveesss sushi and drinks wine according to the season (i.e. red in the fall/winter, white in the spring, rosé in the summer). Lol, you are so random. They probably thought that by getting a tattoo they could be the “edgy” girl in their sorority or that it would give them something to be coy about on a Bumble date, but honestly all it did was cement their place as the most basic bitch within a five mile radius. But, like, I’ll give a slow clap to that because you should own your basicness. I’d say never change, but that’s not really necessary because we all know they won’t.
Girls who proudly display cursive script tattoos are 100 percent the assholes I was talking about earlier. They definitely have a “thing” that they’re into. Like fitness or travel or just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. That kind of thing. Getting a tattoo like this is the female equivalent of getting an “In God We Trust” tattoo, except instead of using a biblical verse to cover up that fact that he’s a giant douchebag who says shit like “I don’t believe in labels”, girls use it to cover up the fact that they’re low-key slutty. Like, tattooing the daily affirmation “you are so much more” on your body sort of loses its meaning when it’s placed directly beneath your nipple. You know? Like v important style icons Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, they probably also got their cursive script tattoo after a stint in rehab for “exhaustion”. Good thing your boob hides that spelling error, though! Blessings.
Travel coordinates on someone’s body are like the permanent version of a Facebook vacation photo album, except you don’t have the option to unsubscribe from their tattoo because it’s literally on their body. And believe me, these bitches will talk about their trips every chance they fucking get. At the 9am department meeting where people have no business speaking words to me, period. In the elevator on my way to one hour of approved
freedom lunch. Or at happy hour, which is most offensive to me because that is my safe place and you’re ruining it by telling me the one time you did a wine tour in a foreign country. Groundbreaking. Like, just because you’ve been to Australia and seen a kangaroo does not make you a fucking world traveler. Like, oh did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Yeah, no one gives a shit.
Also, if I see one more Instagram selfie of a strategically posed thot “candidly” gazing up at a waterfall in a thong bikini with the caption “wanderlusting”, I will lose my goddamn mind. Seriously, these girls are the fucking worst. Not only are they the type of girls who 100 percent have travel coordinates tattooed on their ribs and/or wrist and/or hipbone but they also take themselves and their lavish vacations wayyy too seriously. Like, I get it, you want me to think you’re “roughing it” in Thailand rn, being one with the people and rejecting consumerism and blah, blah, blah. But let’s be real, you didn’t go to Thailand to bring safe drinking water to people living in poverty, you went there to do a casual amount of drugs and take fire selfies at the Full Moon Party. Come on.
A Matching BFF Tattoo
You and your friend must think a lot of your friendship if you’re willing to permanently
mar tattoo your body with matching heartbeat tattoos (v original, girls, btw). Much like many facets of my life, I blame Pretty Little Liars for this—Marlene King, where is my evil twin to blame shit on every time I fuck something up?—because even though the Liars all got matching tattoos, that does not mean you and your bestie should get matching tattoos. The difference between you and the cast of PLL (aside from their fame, money and issues with anorexia) is that they have the money to get said tattoo surgically removed should they find out that their BFF cut off all of her hair when they got back to school in the fall and got totally weird and I guess now she’s on crack. So, like, really know the person before you get a life-long connection to them seared on your body. Ya know, just food for thot.
^Or just somebody you share half a yin and yang tattoo with
As a betch enters womanhood, she’ll quickly be taught a number of v crucial life lessons like, “If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably not for you” and “maybe don’t chase your birth control with vodka.” But if there’s one piece of advice that shakes me down to my soulless core, it’d be to “never judge a book by its cover.” Blah blah, sue me. It’s 2017—if people weren’t begging to be judged by their physical appearance, Snapchat’s pretty filter wouldn’t be a thing, and I wouldn’t have felt the need to just drop $50 on Amanda Stanton’s flat belly tea, but that’s really none of your business.
The average fuckboy, on the other hand, for some reason feels the need to enhance his appearance with permanently conflicting artwork he describes as meaningful and totes one-of-a-kind, yet tell me why my last two Bumble matches just wasted an hour of my life yapping about their “sick-ass half sleeves” with that cloud filling shit. Every betch can agree that the douchiest body ink is like the “Despacito” of the tattoo industry—nobody knows what the fuck it means (not even Bieber himself), but I’m not gonna lie and say it wouldn’t get me into bed aka it’s the perfect fuckboy trap. A fuckboy comes in all different shapes and sizes, but their tattoos don’t, which is why ranking these distinctive tattoos from “u up?” to “come on, just one nude”, was the easiest effing thing I’ve ever done.
8. The Animal
This guy is your typical regulation hottie, but don’t let his lion head meaning “bearer of the family” fool you into thinking he’s “family man material”. He’s the type of fuckboy who wants you to ask about him, so he took his mom to get his first tattoo of a scorpion or some shit. The prevalence of scorpions as fuckboy skin décor isn’t surprising considering scorpions are at the top of the fuckboy food chain in the animal kingdom with their ideal mating ritual being a seductive sex dance, like the way he awkwardly air-humps toward you when “Pony” comes on before running away to ghost you like a little bitch.
Sure he’s fun to hang out with, but this scrub is exactly what TLC warned us about. He loves to tell the story about his dumb fucking stick figure tattooed on his ass, courtesy of his buddy “Manny” during that one drunken night in high school. He’s always kicking back with his bros, but he’s the type of fuckboy who’ll never introduce you to them because “we never said we were dating” or whatever. After a few “hangs” of throwing back Bud Lights and maybe if you’re lucky, some watered down Jack and Cokes, you’ll wake up in his 2012 Sigma Nu Dodgeball Champ tee, only to realize you’re at his parents’ house.
6. Sports Team
Brownie points to this guy for showing serious commitment. Fuckboy points to this guy for showing commitment to anything but you. This dude’s Instagram bio screams “ball is life” and he took every opportunity to craft his fantasy league name into some sexist innuendo like “Forsett Down Her Throat”. His team that he proudly has branded on his body hasn’t even come close to winning the finals in like, 17 years. He’s also the type of fuckboy that already plans to ditch your grandma’s funeral because Crabtree’s about to take his boys home. And don’t even think about putting in your two cents on your mediocre sports knowledge: “Oh yeah? Name one player.” The one who married Ciara, fucking duh.
5. Birth Year/“Est. IDGAF”
There is literally NO point in tattooing the year you were born on your body besides the purpose of waiting like 4 less minutes in the passport line. A fuckboy who refers to his birth year as an “establishment” is the type of guy growing up whose mom used to frame his honorable mention ribbons. His wardrobe consists of gray sweatpants and Nike socks and his Tinder profile reads “Ask if you really wanna know”. Yeah that’s a no from me, dawg… But mostly I’m just curious as to what betch in their right fucking mind has time to do that math.
4. Set of Lips
I can’t even believe I’m including this because it seems like it’d be so obvious, but I can’t discredit a Grade-A fuckboy who walks around with a set of pink lips on his neck. This guy basically thinks he’s sex on a stick and unabashedly admits that he thinks what Chris Brown did “wasn’t like that bad.” He goes around bragging about how shitty he treats women, and was somehow misinformed that the majority of the female species lives for doggy style. Also, showing any tattoo from the neck up is basically asking every employer to “keep your resume on file until something opens up.” That’s professional talk for “lol fat chance”.
3. “Only God Can Judge Me”
Ok, calm the fuck down Tupac. Ironically enough, the phrase “Only God Can Judge Me” is generally printed in sacred scripture on the body of a fuckboy who is the farthest thing from a disciple of God. I’m sorry, but the prayer hands in your most used emoji index does not constitute as bible study. This guy’s default pic is a photo with his mom at her 60th bday, but in most cases of classic fuckboyery, this biblical bullshit is just a sad attempt to justify his shitty actions like preying on his 14-year-old neighbor and stealing money from his mom’s purse. Also, the bible condemns tattoos. Read a fucking book.
2. Tribal Pattern
This fuckboy is just straight-up annoying AF and hasn’t left the gym (or his fraternity) since 2006. He walks around flaunting a tribal pattern from the Ndebele Tribe on his shoulder, and his claim to fame was that one time on spring break when he beer bonged a Muscle Milk and nobody was even the slightest bit impressed. He’s the type of guy you knew in college who posted pics with every sorority girl, yet nobody actually saw him date anyone. He’s also not Samoan nor possesses even a hint of brown, and his Crossfit dead lift videos have more hashtags than actual likes as a means to overcompensate for his microdick. So unless you’re the 340-pound spam slanger dude in 50 First Dates, the tribe has spoken.
1. Last Name
Perhaps found on the biggest narc known to mankind, the origin of the last name tattoo dates all the way back to the prehistoric fuckboy era of Ryan Sheckler. First off, skateboarding isn’t even a real sport, so idk why he felt the need to blast his last name across his back like a fucking jersey. Clearly this type of dude had major daddy issues growing up, as seen in Life of Ryan, where dad only came back into his life when he realized his teen pregnancy finally paid off, so maybe the last name was some sort of abandonment issue. But regardless, you’ll have a hard time convincing this guy of anything, like the fact that it’s no longer cool to keep the gold sticker in mint condition on his flat-brimmed hat. He’s also the type of fuckboy who says he prefers chicks with no makeup, but will tell you “you look tired” when you’re not wearing any. So thanks for the permanent reminder in super-bro Ed Hardy scripture that I’d rather take a pencil to my eyeball than ever think about taking that name. #SomeRagrets
What type of fuckboy should you date based on your horoscope? Find out here!
This just in: our favorite Canadian regulation hottie, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, has a tattoo. He truly is the gift that just keeps on giving. We’ve already established that not only does he look like a paid actor from a USA network drama but he’s also a feminist, environmentalist, and all around just inclusive AF. And if that wasn’t sexy enough, then this tattoo is making him next level in my book.
Okay, so FINE maybe this isn’t breaking news in the sense that this is not at all breaking and was definitely a topic on Twitter years ago. BUT I just found out about it after Googling the Prime Minister’s
biceps policies and stumbled upon this gem:
OH, Canadaaaa. I WILL stand on guard for thee.
Seriously, someone needs to sign me up for this fight club.
Justin Trudeau is a relatable politician because he has a really regrettable arm tattoo. pic.twitter.com/Cw31v8AKlO
— gabrielle l. gabauer (@gabrielleleeg) April 22, 2016
Like right fucking now.
But back to the tattoo. I have some V important questions, like what does it mean and is it weird if I ask my future husband to replicate it on his body? And perhaps also replicate the PM’s face and his smile and his hair and maybe he could just turn into Justin Trudeau already? Anyways in a response to Refinery29 JT said that his tattoo is “the planet earth inside a Haida raven.” Apparently, he got the earth tattoo at age 23 aka the age at which the internet lost its mind over pictures of him, and also the age at which everyone gets questionable tattoos, and he later added the Haida raven design for his 40th birthday.
The raven part of the tattoo pays homage to his father becoming an honorary member of Canada’s native Haida tribe in 1976. While I’m sure the earth is meant to symbolize being one with the planet
and every woman’s sexual fantasies, TBH it just sounds like he smokes a fuck ton of weed to me.
Honestly though, this man could get an infinity tattoo on his lower back and I would still want to have his children. Now, can he please do something about the Cheeto in charge of our country??