One of the best parts of the Halloween season is watching spooky movies. I used to love leaving on Freeform’s 13 Nights of Halloween all day (and now it’s 31 Nights!). However, no one has cable in this day and age, because it’s super expensive and a waste of money when we get better content from streaming services anyway. Also, let’s be real, Freeform’s “Nights” is really just Hocus Pocus four thousand times and maybe one night of The Nightmare Before Christmas if you’re lucky. To get you in the mood for Halloween, here are the best movies and TV shows available to stream on Netflix right now, and they’re honestly way better than seeing the same sh*t every day. (But if you miss Hocus Pocus, you can still find it right now on Amazon Prime. You’re welcome.)
‘The Sixth Sense’
The Sixth Sense is the ultimate ghost story. It’s super scary but also deeply unsettling in a psychological way. If you’ve never seen it, now is the time, and if you have, this is the perfect time to rewatch. Turn down the lights, grab a bottle of wine, and don’t forget to check under your bed for dead Mischa Barton.
A horror classic, Carrie is a must-see Stephen King film that lays the groundwork for so many horror movies after it. You simply can’t get through October without watching at least a few Stephen King movies. Sadly, even though they are not on Netflix, you should also watch The Shining and Misery. I always wanted the power of telekinesis, so Carrie is extra fascinating to me. Remember to be nice to the weird kids because they may exact their horror-filled revenge on you. Get the pig’s blood ready!
This movie is probably my favorite “newer” horror movie. It just has everything: it’s terrifying, has a great story, and it really leaves you fully creeped out at the ending. I’m also very weirdly obsessed with the concept of astral projection. I’m not saying it could happen, but I’m also not not saying it. I think there are like four of these movies now, so once you watch this one you can binge the whole series. But like, you may need to sleep with the lights on after.
Scream is definitely a Halloween classic. It’s one of the core slasher films of our time, and it’s inspired many Halloween costumes. Scream is kind of a fun horror movie—it may make you jump, but you won’t like, have nightmares afterwards. Also, Courteney Cox as a thirsty reporter is truly iconic.
Does this count as a Halloween movie? I don’t care, because I LOVE IT. I also loved the series reboot that was canceled before it even aired but you can still watch online (although you’ll have to hunt to find the finale). It’s like a campy horror portrayal of how vapid and dumb our society is, especially in regards to mental health. The whole movie is a caricature of itself, but there is also murder. It’s the definition of a dark comedy, so if you don’t have like, a really twisted sense of humor, you might hate it. It’s also one of the most quotable movies ever, bringing us great lines such as “f*ck me gently with a chainsaw,” and “I love my dead, gay son!”
‘The Haunting Of Hill House’
If Heathers is fun horror, The Haunting Of Hill House is the exact opposite. This show is the most terrifying kind of horror you can get. I love scary everything, and this show still literally gave me nightmares. Everything about it is absolute perfection, from the story, to the acting, to the characters, the cinematography, all of it. But it’s no joke. It’s not for people that can’t handle scary. I was hoping the next season, Bly Manor, would be out this year, but I guess I’ll just have to rewatch this until 2020.
Stranger Things is actually my favorite show on Netflix (and that’s saying A LOT, because there are some really good ones, see above). It’s scary, but in a much more manageable way than Hill House. If you like horror and sci-fi classics, you’ll love everything about Stranger Things. They mix up the scary with coming-of-age stuff and comedy to take the edge off. I would protect all the characters with my life, I love them so much. It’s super binge-able and you probably won’t have nightmares.
Coraline is for those of you that are sad you don’t get to see The Nightmare Before Christmas on Netflix. It’s a beautiful animated masterpiece, but honestly, the story is probably one of the scariest ever—and not just for children. It’s from one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman, and let me tell you, the man knows how to write creepy sh*t. There are some elements that will stay with you and haunt you forever after watching it. So, while it won’t terrify you the same way something like Hill House will, you may have some f*cked up dreams.
‘Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina’
I loved Sabrina The Teenage Witch growing up, and I also loved the Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina reboot. It’s way darker and creepier than the old show, and the story is so interesting. It has everything you could want in a Halloween series: witches, murder, monsters, and evil teenage girls. It’s a great series for those that like light scary instead of bone-chillingly horrifying.
After you’ve watched the rest of the list and are thoroughly traumatized, watch Coco for a cute Day of the Dead story that will warm your cold, dead heart. It’s so well-written, and the imagery is beautiful, while still being spooky and on-brand for the Halloween season.
What other movies or TV shows are on your must-watch list for Halloween? Whether you’re into the truly scary sh*t, or prefer more wholesome fall classics, it’s the perfect time of year to stay in and get your Netflix on.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (10)
So you might have been aware (because of the memes) that over the weekend, a bunch of people made a big production about going to Area 51 to break out the aliens. If you’re like me, you’re probably asking yourself, “what the actual f*ck is everyone going on about?”. (Things I say to myself most time a new internet trend emerges, tbh.) But don’t worry, I’m here to break down everything that popped off over the weekend, so you don’t have to sort through a bunch of Twitter threads. Here’s what’s going on with Area 51.
What The F*ck Is Area 51?
Fucking hilarious to me that the Area 51 meme has gotten to a point where without a doubt there has been a military meeting somewhere with some very high ranking officials sitting down and going…. “Okay but seriously what are we going to do about this?” pic.twitter.com/v3aQGHyRjh
— H҉o҉v҉a҉ ? (@JahovasWitniss) July 15, 2019
If you didn’t already know, Area 51 is The United States Air Force base in the desert of Nevada. Allegedly, it contains top secret information on extraterrestrial phenomena, and people believe there could be UFOs, aliens, and remains of such. Basically it sounds like the plot of Stranger Things. The base was featured in the 1996 film Independence Day as an alien testing laboratory, but the government rejects any sort of extraterrestrial activities. But still, there are people who believe the government is lying to us and there really are aliens at Area 51—just like there are people who believe we didn’t land on the moon.
What’s Up With The Facebook Group?
Upwards of 600,000 people have joined the event “Storm Area 51, they can’t stop all of us” which joins people together to invade the air force base on September 20th in hopes of seeing any sort of extraterrestrial paraphernalia. Over 600,000 people? That’s more followers than many influencers have on Instagram. That’s a lot of f*cking people. The event description says, “We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry” and that “If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Lets see them aliens.” A little more intense than your typical birthday celebration Facebook event description, wouldn’t you say? “Naruto run” is based on the Japanese manga character, Naruto Uzumaki, who runs with his head down and and arms arms stretched out behind. Kind of like how that one weird kid from your high school would run through the halls. I imagine this event would play out like a walk of shame, except you’re not hungover in your clothes from the night before, and instead of avoiding anyone you know, you’re avoiding the government. But really, the first clue that this event is not serious is the sentence that claims people can outrun bullets just be emanating a manga character. But as we know, people on the internet are f*cking idiots and this event is being taken seriously. Which brings me to my next point…
The Government Is Always Watching
The government ready and waiting for everyone storming Area 51 pic.twitter.com/U98wrutx7X
— notanothertruecrimepod (@NATCpod) July 15, 2019
Apparently this event was a joke, but we all know there’s a little truth behind every “JK”, and consequently, the government has gotten involved. Air Force spokesperson Laura McAndrews said, “ is an open training range for the US Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces.” They would discourage it? That’s like my best friend telling me that she discourages me from drunk texting my ex. Am I gonna do it anyway? Yes. Does her telling me not to do it only make me that much more determined to disregard her advice? Also yes. McAndrews also says that “The US Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets,” which to me feels like code for “you’re gonna get shot if you try to go in there”. Are the “assets” extraterrestrial activities? Is ET real? How much longer until this event is sponsored? Is this going to be the next Fyre Festival? Either way, this has brought us great memes, so that’s all that really matters.
To recap, you should not try to storm Area 51. If Stranger Things taught us anything, it’s that breaking into a highly protected government building to find some aliens is only going to f*ck up your life. If you’re going to actually spend the money on a plane ticket to go to Nevada, you’re probably better off going to Vegas, where you would likely see weirder sh*t anyway. Luckily for the government, everybody knows that only about 1/3 of people who respond “yes” to Facebook events end up actually attending, so they probably don’t have much to worry about.
Images: JahovasWitniss, NATCpod / Twitter
Stranger Things is one of my favorite shows ever. I am just so invested in all of it, and I’m super mad we waited two years for only eight episodes that I watched in one day, and now I have to wait another year to see more. Ugh. But in addition to being a love letter to ’80s sci-fi and horror movies, Stranger Things season 3 really does such a great job writing female characters. Especially considering the show’s creators are men. Normally, women in movies and TV are depicted as love interests, almost exclusively. It’s so bad that we have things like the Bechdel test to determine whether women were accurately represented in fiction as more than just objects of desire for men. A movie passes the Bechdel test if it has at least two women who talk to each other about something other than men. That’s it. And amazingly, tons of movies fail this test.
FYI? There are literally zero (0) movies that would fail if the test was graded on two men talking to each other about something other than women. Men in fiction are allowed to have interesting, complex lives, whereas women are often seen as motivators for men and nothing more. It. Is. Gross.
On that note, there are even fewer movies/shows that depict women in science, so Stranger Things is super important. Not only because it’s badass, and the writing is great, but because it’s one of the best shows that not only shows strong women, but especially strong girls, and in a male-dominated genre. And with that, here is a ranking of the 10 best feminist moments from Stranger Things season 3. It honestly was hard to just pick 10. In case you did not understand the title, THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS.
You realizing that you need to go finish the season before reading this:
10. Nancy’s Mom Being Supportive
You would hope that parents are always supportive, but as we’ve seen in the past, Mrs. Wheeler consistently drops the ball. She’s completely out of touch with what’s going on in her kids’ lives. Her interests include leading Billy on, ignoring her family, and purchasing neon swimwear. But in Stranger Things season 3, Mrs. Wheeler actually did something that was pretty cool.
When Nancy got fired from the paper for investigating a story she believed in, she confessed to her mom that her boyfriend didn’t believe in her/was angry at her, and that she’s been bullied extensively by the men in the office. Instead of being angry at Nancy for getting fired, Mrs. Wheeler stepped up and told Nancy that those men are “sh*theads, and that if she believed in the story, she just needs to do it herself. Go to a bigger newspaper, and all those men can shove it when she’s a success. It was a great moment between them and let us know that although Mrs. Wheeler seems super out of touch, even she knows that a girl’s got to stand up for herself in this male-dominated world.
9. Joyce Figuring Out Everything
Joyce is so hilarious, but even though she’s quirky and her approach is a little off, she was really the first to know (except for maybe Will) that something was seriously wrong in the universe. I loved when she was yelling at Alexei (RIP, you cherry slurpee king) about “WHY MAGNETS ARE FALLING OFF THE GODDAMN FRIDGE!” Joyce kept getting cut down by Hopper, who didn’t take her concerns seriously because he was too busy trying to get into her pants. (I’m not giving Hop an RIP because I’m convinced he lived. We never saw the body and there was that whole American thing in the Russian prison.)
But Joyce didn’t allow Hop’s agenda to distract her from her goal, and not only was she totally right, it was thanks to her that they were able to help stop the Russians and save the kids. Oh and NBD, she was the one who turned the keys to stop the Mind Flayer and close the door. Even though it meant killing someone she loved (I mean, theoretically, because I won’t accept this). She’s tough as nails.
8. Everyone Yelling At Mike
Mike is a total douchebag, I’m just going to say it. But he’s a super typical 14-year-old boy. And 18-year-old boy. And 30-year-old boy…seriously, at what age do men stop acting like this?? Mike, being male, insisted that he knew what was best for Eleven and what her limits were. I think his worry came from a good place—he didn’t want her to get hurt. But the entire group, guys and girls included, piled on him for not trusting Eleven to know her own strength. I loved that they all stuck up for her and put Mike in his place.
7. Nancy Standing Up To Old, White, Male America
Nancy’s internship really sucked. Yes, it was her job to get coffee, but the men in the office treated her like garbage and made fun of her suggestions any time she tried to help. When she discovered that there was something seriously wrong with the rats in Hawkins, they laughed in her face and called her “Nancy Drew.” They even forbade her from doing further research. But Nancy didn’t let them dissuade her, even when her boyfriend Jonathan essentially told her to back off and take it. (Which, I understand his reasoning, but also, no, f*ck off.)
She stood up to all of them and did what she knew was right, even when it resulted in her firing. And then she continued to pursue the story, which ultimately helped save the world from the Mind Flayer. I repeat: SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE MIND FLAYER. They didn’t show it, but I really hope she does pitch her story to a big Indiana newspaper and those Hawkins jackasses eat their words.
6. Eleven Dumping Mike
Eleven and Mike go through teenage romance problems, including Mike being a little bitch and lying to her. After Max’s guidance on how womankind should expect to be treated, Eleven confirms Mike’s lies, and in a scene that is nothing short of iconic, she dumps his ass—by loudly shrieking “I DUMP YOUR ASS,” which is really the only acceptable thing to say to a man who treats you as less than. It doesn’t matter that he essentially rescued her, and that they’ve saved the world together several times, even Eleven knows that lying is unacceptable in a relationship. We could all learn a lesson from her (and Max) about how to deal with f*ckboys.
5. Max Teaching Eleven The Importance Of Female Friendship
When Eleven realizes Mike is lying to her—and very poorly, I might add—she’s devastated. She turns to Max for advice, who immediately launches into action. We didn’t get to see these two interact very much last season, so it was super cool to watch them bond. Max teaches El that men ain’t sh*t, and that she’s dumped Lucas five times already for bad behavior. You go, girl. She also shows El how important it is to have female friends and to do things together that don’t involve men.
4. Robin Cracking The Code
This season, we were introduced to Robin, aka Maya Hawke, aka the child of Uma Therman and Ethan Hawke. In addition to shaming Steve Harrington for being 1) a douche, and 2) friends with A LOT of children, Robin showed up both Dustin and Steve by cracking the Russians’ code without their help. Hey, she speaks four languages! It was really cool to see her take over and get credit for such a big win, although it got her involved in a lot of unnecessary danger when she could have just been scooping ice cream all summer with no knowledge of any of this sh*t.
3. Everything About Erica
Erica is hands down my favorite character. She is so sassy and hilarious, and just happens to be a genius. It was awesome to see her run sh*t this season by being absolutely essential to the Scoops Troop’s plan. She was the only one small enough to get into the vent! In addition, though, we saw a very cool side to her: that she may very well be secretly a nerd. Her intelligence and bravery helped save the group more than once, and she was awesome at navigating the labyrinth of tunnels in the lab. Remember: you can’t spell America without Erica.
2. Robin Coming Out
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. You never see a hot teenage girl with a potential male lead love interest without it turning into something by the end. And it almost, almost went that way. We were led to believe that Robin had a secret crush on Steve. After their adventure together, Steve tells her he was starting to have feelings for her. An American dream story. And given that Steve didn’t have a love interest this season, it was pretty obvious it was going to be her. BUT THEN. Robin clarifies that she watched Steve in their classes because the girl she liked watched Steve, and she couldn’t figure it out because he was stupid and always dropping bagel crumbs all over the place.
It was iconic. You almost never see LGTBQ characters on TV without it being a gimmick or part of the story. It’s never like, “hey, this is a complete complex person who happens to also be gay.” She and Steve had become platonic friends who she trusted to share this with. Their friendship continued afterwards, which was so cool to see, when she helped him get a job at the video store. More of this, please.
1. Eleven Carrying The Team
Every f*cking time, Eleven saves all of their asses from everything—monsters, bullies, Billy, and more monsters. This show would be lost without Eleven, which is a really interesting plot twist, btw, that she’s now lost her powers. I’m excited to see what they do with this next season. But no matter how bleak it looks, or what a rough spot they’re in, Eleven comes through and rescues all the boys, every single time. She’s a badass, and we rarely see such a strong female character who doesn’t expect a man to save her. Although I will mention that this last time, Billy did throw himself in front of her to the Mind Flayer, but as that was essential to his character arc, I’ll forgive it. And really, it was Joyce that turned off the machine and stopped the attack.
Honorable Mention: Suzie
This was such a small thing but ESSENTIAL to saving the world and stopping the Mind Flayer. Suzie—Dustin’s girlfriend from camp who we all believed was fictional—does actually exist! She is the only one out of this group of science nerds, particularly an actual adult male scientist, that knows Planck’s Constant by heart, which is the password needed to save the day. Good job, Suzie. I appreciated how she also took time to bitch Dustin out for not calling her until he needed something, and shamed him because he should know the number himself. I did not, however, appreciate the way-too-awkwardly-long musical number. There is a time and a place, people.
LMK in the comments what your favorite moments were from this season. I’m gonna go watch it again about 20 more times.
Images: Courtesy of Netflix; Giphy (9)
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July is a f*cking exciting month. Not only do we have America’s Independence Day AKA a day where every Insta thot somehow gets a free pass to post in an American flag bikini. You know, in honor of our country’s independence. It’s beautiful, really. But anyways, for all my fellow Stranger Things fans out there we FINALLY get the long awaited season 3, which is fantastic news for my Sunday scaries. Like, it’s hard to be caught up in my anxiety from my black out the night before when I’m watching people run for their lives from Demogorgons. Like okay, guess drunk calling my ex 37 times really wasn’t that bad, right? Right, RIGHT????? I’m fine, everything’s fine.
I love this classic rom-com, and am so pumped it’s coming to my go-to streaming service this month. I mean, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, that’s a hilarious duo I could watch on repeat. It’s not super cheesy and not too deep, so it’s a great light watch this summer. Just like that f*ckboy told you, it’s summer, no need to get too serious.
The original classic (and hands-down best of the series) finally comes to Netflix this July. It’s probably one of the most quotable, universally-loved movies of all time, so it’s an easy go-to crowd favorite. Especially if you have any Vegas trips coming up this summer, it’s perfect to watch to get amped up for your own drunk escapades.
People are obsessed with this movie, and with good reason. It perfectly captures New York City life in the ‘70s (or at least how I’d imagine it), directed by Martin Scorsese and with star performances by Robert de Niro and Jodie Foster. Oh, and not to be basic but like, “You talkin’ to me???” Sorry, had to.
I know all the men in my life are PUMPED for the original and its sequel to come to Netflix this July. Like, I don’t think there’s a movie I’ve seen my dad watch repeatedly the way he does with this one. Tbh, I personally have never actually seen the full thing, but I’ve seen enough clips here and there to get the vibe. And heck, maybe I’ll actually sit down and watch the full thing now that it will be easily available on Netflix this summer!
This is another one that I know the men in my life are going to be excited about. Again, not necessarily going to be up next in my personal Netflix queue, but good to know it’s coming in July so I can flip it on for my boyfriend when he’s being whiny and hungover. Good looks Netflix, hopefully he falls asleep watching it so I can ditch him to go meet up with the rest of my friends out day drinking.
‘Stranger Things’: Season 3
I’ve never been one for sci-fi, which should come as no surprise given my favorite shows are Vanderpump Rules and The Bachelor. But I am HOOKED on Stranger Things and am so excited about its return. It’s also a nice reprieve for my boyfriend since it’s something we both enjoy, and he’s not stuck watching Bravo 24/7. Although, he won’t admit it to you, but he secretly is a Bravo stan. Just don’t tell him I told you all that.
‘Queer Eye’: Season 4
Everyone’s fave group of guys is back for season four. They’re back just in time to not only make the lives of many struggling people out there better, but also our lives as well, with an all new season. I can’t wait to get a whole new batch of life advice from Karamo and beauty tutorials from Johnathan. My therapist knows I need all the life guidance I can get, so she’ll be glad it’s back too.
‘Orange Is The New Black’: Season 7
I actually forgot about this show, and am currently probs behind already by like two seasons. However, I’m still thrilled we’re getting a season seven because I’m always searching for more shows to binge, and it’s comforting to know that I’ll actually have three seasons worth to plow through before I’m forced back on the search.
My parents are obsessed with this show, but don’t let their old people tastes deter you! It’s a fantastic show, and actually moved from ABC to Netflix after its second season, but is still going strong. It’s definitely worth getting into, plus since it’s like, at least a political drama, it feels like less mind-numbing TV than my usually preferred drama reality shows.
‘Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee’
The original web series directed and hosted by Jerry Seinfeld comes to Netflix for another season this month. The show has a simple and kinda odd format, but trust me, it works. It’s basically just Jerry Seinfeld and another comedian shooting the sh*t in different cars, in an authentic and effortless way. It’s a good time.
So there you have it, five shows and five movies to get your binging started this month. Of course, please leave your couch or bed at some point to go catch some summer rays. But then again like, you don’t want wrinkles so like…maybe just stick with that as your excuse. No one can argue with you on that!
Images: @jeshoots / Unsplash; GIPHY (4)
I have to agree with Regina George when I wonder, “What is happening to the world?!?” It’s 2018 and people are losing their goddamn minds. That’s what’s happening. Just like our government, fashion has gone to sh*t. No wonder why we’re recycling every hideous 90s and 80s trend. Jeans have been one item that brands are consistently trying to mess with, even though they’re perfect the way they are. Remember those invisible jeans that were essentially a few seams that cost hundreds of dollars? Well, it’s officially gotten worse. In recent fugly denim news, New York City-based vintage shop CIE Denim is selling upside down jean shorts—literally. The waistband, belt loops, and pockets are inverted and seem to fall on your thighs while your waist is instead hugged by a raw hem. See here:
CIE Denim Nancy shorts
As if that isn’t enough to make you choke on your lunch, they’re priced at $385 and come in sizes 23-29. CIE Denim mentions that each pair is custom vintage denim, so you’re paying for a completely unique handmade pair that, supposedly, no one else will have. Still a no from me, guys. The inverted style comes in two different washes and styles named, “Nancy” and “El”, referencing Stranger Things and the Upside Down. I can’t decide if that’s really clever, really extra, or both. Definitely both.
CIE Denim takes the theme further and even sells full-length pants named after other characters (i.e. Mike Will, and Lucas) that retail for 500 f*cking dollars. I honestly can’t breathe rn.
Some of these styles don’t even appear to be on their site anymore, which can really only mean one thing: PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY BUYING THESE. Am I missing something here other than the fact that I don’t have $400 to blow on a pair of inverted shorts that, hello, don’t even have usable pockets?! Like, Stranger Things is cool and all, but do you know how many bottles of Tito’s you can buy with that? Seriously asking for a friend. Just when you thought you’ve seen the worst, I don’t know if anything more strange can top this one. Again, I repeat:
Photos: CIE Denim (2); @ciedenim / Instagram; Giphy (1)
Halloweekend 2017 is coming up, and we all know what that means…sweatpants, a bottle of wine, and 48 hours of Stranger Things. Stranger Things season 2 is coming to Netflix on Friday (Oct 27), so if you haven’t watched season one yet, I recommend just going home now and telling your boss you have food poisoning or something—this show is the perfect cozy-creepy fall binge, and the internet is going to completely ruin season two for you by like, Monday at 6am, if you don’t watch it first (TV writers don’t tend to have raging social lives, trust me).
Anyway, in honor of the show that made us all wonder if we should rock a bald cap this Halloween, here’s a breakdown of Stranger Things’ female leads and their respective levels of betchiness.
There’s not much to say about Karen; she’s pretty much your standard “Mom in a movie mostly about children” character aka your typical Karen. She goes around doing neighborly check-ups on the parents of missing children; tells her kids to stay in the house until the recent child-snatchings have been cleared up (never understand why there’s so much pushback on this very sensible boundary); and is definitely hard on Nancy at times, but it all seems to be in a “I remember my ho-ing days and would like to protect you” fashion. Minus points for her deathly boring husband, but plus points for telling her son they can rent an R-rated movie after Will’s body is found.
Mike: My best friend has been murdered.
Karen: Would some on-screen boobies cheer you up?
I have complicated feelings about Nancy Wheeler. She starts out the show as a classic nice girl, with her handwritten flash cards and lukewarm resistance to banging the school heartthrob (side note: I am glad that high school heartthrobs are now expected to look more like Zac Efron, and less like Steve). But during her nicegirl phase, she’s also kind of a try-hard and a shitty friend, insisting that Barb come along to a party that she’s clearly not invited to, and then immediately distancing herself to seem cool by chugging beer (rarely a great tactic, FYI). BUT, Nancy is also a regulation hottie and legitimately a good person, and by the end of this show, she’s proven herself to be equally fearless when shutting down slut-shaming assholes and fighting literal monsters. Would Nancy be my first-choice pick for a Friday night hang? Prob not, but I would certainly hit her up in any apocalyptic scenarios.
It’s a little hard to judge Joyce fairly here, since we only see her for about three minutes, before she realizes her child has gone missing and is thrown into a (fully understandable) mental breakdown for the rest of the show. Between the chain-smoking, voice-wavering, and Santa-on-crack interior decorating, it’s not exactly textbook betch, but given the circumstances, this happens to be exactly what getting shit done looks like. Despite the whole “are you sure this isn’t your anxiety” spiel that I
get from every doctor I’ve ever seen everyone in town tries to sell her, she sticks to her convictions and is ultimately proven right. Also, she immediately discards any faux-politeness or semblance of chill in this situation, from kicking out Nancy’s casserole-toting mom early on to leveraging her whole missing-son situation into a paycheck advance and/or cigarette allowance. Season one’s circumstances prevented her from being her peak betch self; I’m looking forward to seeing what a slightly more stable but equally ballsy Joyce Byers has to offer.
I think you would be hard-pressed to find an area in which Eleven is not cooler, better, and more useful than you. Terrifying psychokinetic powers and a thousand-yard stare that would shut down the cheeriest Monday morning co-worker? Check. Stealth heartbreaker with a mid-season makeover? Check. Ability to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight? Well, probably more rooted in the fact that she was held in a lab and tortured for most of her life thus far, and I imagine the dining accommodations were not fantastic, but technically, check. Also, let’s just all agree that whatever your daddy issues are, Eleven makes them look stupid in comparison. If Eleven ever gets the chance to grow up with her new pals, I’d be thrilled to see post-pubescent, fully developed El start Girl With the Dragon Tattoo-ing her way through those who have wronged her, delivering violent justice and excellent bone structure across Indiana. Eleven can definitely sit with us, but TBH I’m not sure we could sit with her.
Dishonorable Mention: Barb Holland
I will never understand the cult following for Barb sparked by this show, which is my way of saying that I’m unwilling to sift through Tumblr and learn about it/figure it out. Her glasses are bad, her outfits are worse, and she shames Nancy for upping her lingerie game. Barb sitting out by the pool pretending to be thinking about anything other than the fact that her best friend is getting boned in the house behind her truly bums me out, and I think her constant “looking out for Nancy” was really just a way to keep Nancy down, so she wouldn’t lose her only friend. Firmly not Team Barb.
For those of you lame enough to still do the whole “costume and party” tradition for Halloween, I’ll see you on the other side. For everyone else: stay hydrated, don’t pace yourselves, and feel free to shush your drunk loser roommates when they interrupt your round one TV binge stumbling home at 3am.
Halloween is legit days away, and this is not a drill. On top of trying to find a costume that makes me look both slutty and punny (but mostly slutty) and simultaneously dieting to fit into said costume while I also shoving as many Butterfinger minis in my mouth as I possibly can, I’m, like, v busy. I’m so busy, I haven’t even found time to properly set the mood with a Pumpkin Spice candle get into the Halloween spirit. And what better way to find the holiday spirit than by speaking to no one and doing nothing for hours on end? Yes, I’m talking about Halloween TV rn. Because if there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s how to waste my time television. I’m not saying that I don’t live a full and fulfilling life watch 4-6 hours of television a night, but I’m also not not saying that. I’m emotionally dependent on my Netflix account and I’m going to end up alone so fine with that. Whatever. My waste of time is your fortunate gain, because I know everything about every show and that’s why my hair is so big—because it’s full of useless information about fictional teen dramas. So here’s all the shit you should binge watch to help you set the fucking mood for Halloween.
1. ‘American Horror Story: Coven’
A lot of people would argue with me that there are other, better seasons of American Horror Story, but those people would be so fucking wrong. First of all, the savage one-liners in this season are actual works of art. That alone is worth giving it a watch. Second of all, it’s a show about a bunch of badass witches who aren’t afraid to throw acid on each other, murder innocent civilians, or blow up a bus full of disgusting frat boys in order to get what they want in life. AND they only dress in black-on-black ensembles. Honestly, they’re all inspirations, and I’m not just saying that because I dressed up as Madison Montgomery two Halloweens in a row. *whispers to self “who’s the baddest witch in town”*
2. ‘Stranger Things’
First of all, if there’s someone out there who’s reading this and they haven’t heard of this show/watched this show/read the spoilers about this show, then I applaud you and your ability to live a full and happy life. Must be nice to not be a slave to Netflix. That said, you should watch this show, like, immediately. It’s about more than just a bunch of kids who love Eggos and wearing retro sweaters, which is literally what I thought before I watched it. Also, if you watch it you can stop being the only virgin who can’t drive person on social media who doesn’t know wtf is going down in the Upside Down.
^^Literally things my friends scream about me as I vomit in public wearing cat ears during Halloween bar crawls
3. ‘Teen Wolf’
I’m not gonna lie, when MTV tried to tell me that they were going to reboot a shitty ‘80s movie and cast J.Lo’s son from Maid in Manhattan as the lead, I was v skeptical. I mean, have I binge watched worse shit on this channel because of some dynamic branding strategies? Of course. *cough* Are You The One? *cough* But unlike a show that promotes the spread of STDs singles trying to find love, Teen Wolf is actually some quality television. First of all, seasons 1-3 were pure fucking gold. It’s funny AF with just the right amount of paranormal nonsense going on. Plus, I want to bang Dylan O’Brien appreciate the talented actors on this show. I mean, anyone who can turn the pasty side-kick best friend into someone I regularly stalk on Instagram a heartthrob is really winning here.
4. ‘Hemlock Grove’
I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone even knows about this show is because this is where the hot clown from It got his start, but tbh I’ve watched Netflix Original shows for less. This show is like Riverdale meets AHS but weirder. The show is all about Roman Godfrey, aka hot AF town rich kid, and his BFF Peter Rumancek, aka hot AF town hipster person who is poor but can afford better skinny jeans than me, as they try to figure out all the weird shit happening in the small fictional PA town, Hemlock Grove. They start looking into a bunch of recent murders that happen in the town, because apparently all teenagers in the greater Pennsylvania area are amateur detectives who are smarter than 90 percent of the adults. *cough* PLL *cough* I’m warning you rn though, this show is weird AF and there’s definitely some cousin-love incest vibes happening, but if you can set your morals that aside, then this show is actually really fucking good.
5. ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’
First of all, this show iconic and should be the only thing anyone watches ever. Buffy is the best thing to happen to television since live streaming became a thing, and I’m not just saying that because I’m its number one hype girl. Not only has the show given me some fire dialogue to use in my every day life, but it’s also the reason why I am into vampires who can’t be with you because their eternal souls are at stake emotionally unavailable men. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s set in the 90s, so you really have to look past all the gelled hair and leather, but aside from that this show is fucking amazing.
This show is little like watching an episode of Law & Order, but with less crimes that are especially heinous and more supernatural beings. And if you’re thinking “isn’t this the show that’s been on the air for-fucking-ever but I have no idea why?” I have a solid reason why right here:
I mean, does the show have other good shit going for it, like killer plot lines, heavy amounts of sarcasm, and one beautiful bromance? Yes. But do I give a shit about anything other than Jared Padalecki’s abs? No, I sure don’t.
Few things affect our social calendars quite like Netflix these days. Each month, new shows and movies come and go, and we’re morally obligated to keep up with them, since we
paid so much for our subscriptions still have access to our ex-boyfriend’s former roommate’s login info. We can’t just not take advantage of all this amazing content another reason to cancel plans, so we’ve mapped out everything that’s arriving (and leaving) next month, so you can schedule Netflix and chill the fuck out, accordingly.
First, what’s leaving on October 1st, aka what you need to aggressively binge watch RN:
1. ’30 Rock’ Seasons 1 – 7
One of the greatest shows of all time. For those who haven’t seen it, it’s like Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, except funny.
2. ‘Friday Night Lights’ Seasons 1-5
Clear eyes, full five seasons in one day, can’t lose.
3. ‘Love Actually’
Obviously the best (Christmas) movie ever. This better be back before December, WTF?
4. ‘One Tree Hill’ Seasons 1-9
An angsty teen classic, mostly useful for deciding whether you’re more into Nathan or Lucas on any particular day, depending on your mood.
In case you want to reserve three hours to weep sometime within the next week.
And now what’s arriving in October, aka what you have to look forward to next month:
1. ‘Blood Diamond’
Featuring Leo DiCaprio, this is a quality action flick that’s fast-paced and based on events that happened IRL. It’s about conflict diamonds in Sierra Leone (see also: “Diamonds From Sierra Leone” by Kanye West), so it’s not exactly a comedy, but well worth a watch if you’re down for something intense.
2. ‘I Love You, Man’
Aside from the fact that Paul Rudd, in this movie and in perpetuity, is America’s spirit animal, I Love You, Man is simply an all-around good time and perfect for any Netflix occasion. The duo of Rudd and Jason Segel is beautifully awkward and v enjoyable to watch, making this a crowd favorite among betches and bros alike.
3. ‘Miss Congeniality’ (1 & 2)
Sandra Bullock kicks ass in this movie as an FBI agent going undercover in a beauty pageant. It’s kind of a staple of being a betch, so you def need to watch it if you haven’t already. Like, if it weren’t for Miss Rhode Island, how would we know that April 25th is the perfect date, because “it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket”?
4. ‘Made of Honor’
TBCH I’ve never seen this, but as a C-list rom-com featuring Patrick Dempsey, it feels like a movie I will soon be watching while extremely hungover on a rainy Sunday.
5. ‘Stranger Things’ Season 2
This is most definitely the highlight, in my professional opinion. It debuts on October 27, just in time for you to buy some discount Halloween candy (after you’ve already worn your slutty costume, obvi) and crush the entire season in one weekend. The ‘80s inspired thriller is gripping, funny, and heartwarming at the same time, and it’s all anyone’s going to be talking about at work. We are so ready to go back to the Upside Down and to witness more Winona Ryder going full cray.