All The Current Celeb Pregnancies You Need To Know About

Am I the only one who feels like every single celebrity is having a baby this year? In the last month alone, Katy Perry, Lea Michele, Hilaria Baldwin, Teyana Taylor, and Katherine Schwarzenegger have all given birth. Just in the last month!! But the 2020 baby train isn’t slowing down anytime soon. In the past several months, there have been many celebrity pregnancy announcements, from A-listers to reality stars, and it’s honestly too much to keep up with. But we can at least try, right? From the ones you’re sick of hearing about, to the ones you’re not sure if you ever heard about in the first place, here are all the celeb pregnancies you need to know about.

Ashlee Simpson Ross

 

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We are pregnant and we are so excited to share it with everyone. Baby #3 ♥ Thank you @clearblue #clearbluepartner #clearblueconfirmed During this unprecedented time, we know pregnant women may be under greater stress which is why we are supporting @marchofdimes Mom and Baby #COVID19 Intervention and Support Fund. Check out their Instagram page to see how they are helping moms and babies get the care they need now and in the future.

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Ashlee Simpson, who is now married to Diana Ross’s son Evan (tbt to Pete Wentz), announced her third pregnancy back at the end of April. You’ll notice that Ashlee’s announcement is part of a trend throughout this list: announcing your baby in partnership with a pregnancy test brand. We thought this was wild last year when Malika Haqq did it, but it turns out she was just ahead of the curve. In a nice twist, Ashlee and Clear Blue also partnered to support COVID relief through the March of Dimes, so this is one case of pregnancy test spon that I can really get behind. Ashlee’s fam is actually super adorable, so stalk her Instagram if you need some cute kids in your life.

Jade Roper Tolbert

 

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HERE WE GROW AGAIN!!! It feels so good to be able to finally talk about this pregnancy! If you noticed I haven’t been on social media much the past couple of months, it’s because I was dealing with terrible nausea and fatigue, on top of taking care of two kiddos during a pandemic. Although this time has its uncertainties, we are so thankful and excited for this baby. I truly believe babies being born during this time are here for a special reason, to be light workers. We are beyond happy to love another baby, to give Emmy and Brooks another sibling and to have our children be so close! #partyof5 #babynumber3

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It’s baby number three for Bachelor In Paradise alums Jade and Tanner! After kicking off this year by winning, and then losing, a million dollars in fantasy football due to ~cheating~, things have taken a positive turn for the Tolberts, with their latest pregnancy announcement coming in May. Jade posted this week that she’s at 29 weeks, so we can expect another fall baby. Whether you closely follow these two or not, they seem to be one of the least messy couples to ever come out of Paradise, so I say cheers to that.

Stassi Schroeder

 

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We’re having a baby girl 💕

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It was a tumultuous start to the summer for Vanderpump Rules OG Stassi Schroeder, who announced her pregnancy just days after being fired from VPR along with three other cast members for past racist behavior. For those who watched the show, the baby news seemed to come out of nowhere, and the timing of the announcement seemed… strategic. But regardless, Stassi’s pregnancy is definitely real, and she updated her followers later in June that the baby is a girl. As for Stassi’s next career move now that Pump Rules is off the table, we still don’t know, but next week, she’ll sit down with Tamron Hall for her first interview since her firing.

Nicki Minaj

 

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#Preggers 💛

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Fans were skeptical last fall when Nicki Minaj announced she was retiring to have a family, but it turns out that was half true. She’s released music since then, and even scored her first two number-one songs, but she is, in fact, starting a family with husband Kenneth Petty. She announced her pregnancy with a typically over-the-top photoshoot in July, complete with yellow and blue wigs, bedazzled bikinis, and heels that I don’t believe anyone could possibly walk in. She hasn’t shared much about her pregnancy since then, but she’s been featured on new songs from A$AP Ferg and Ty Dolla $ign, so she still doesn’t seem too committed to the whole
“retirement” thing.

Morgan Stewart

 

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She may not be great at math but at least we know she’ll be well dressed 🥰

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It’s been a whirlwind summer for Morgan Stewart, who got engaged to Jordan McGraw (Dr. Phil’s son) in July, and announced her pregnancy in August. Honestly, she’s making the most of her time during this pandemic, which begs the question, should I be engaged and having a baby right now? Much to consider. Last summer, people (me) were heartbroken when Morgan announced she and her Rich Kids of Beverly Hills co-star Brendan Fitzpatrick were divorcing, but now she looks happier than ever, so good for her.

Khadijah Haqq McCray

 

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I’m pregnant!!! I couldn’t wait to share that my family is growing and we will soon welcome a new baby in our home. I decided to use @ClearBlue because this has always been the most important result in my life. I love how their digital pregnancy test builds excitement by showing a countdown feature, assuring your answer is coming… And for me it displayed PREGNANT! No time for guessing, I need accuracy. Thank you #ClearBlue for delivering this amazing news to myself, my family and friends! #ClearblueConfirmed #ClearbluePartner

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This summer, Khadijah followed in her twin sister’s footsteps, and announced her pregnancy with a Clear Blue ad—it runs in the family! For Khadijah, this is her third child with husband Bobby McCray, a former NFL player whom she married in 2010. Khadijah flies under the Kardashian radar, but low-key it seems like she has the healthiest relationship of anyone in their circle.

Chrissy Teigen

 

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important

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Chrissy Teigen and John Legend already have two of the cutest kids in Hollywood, and they recently announced that they have a third baby on the way. Chrissy did a classic bump reveal in John’s most recent music video, and later officially confirmed the news on social media. Naturally, Chrissy has been having fun with pregnancy content on social media, like when she posted this tabloid headline about herself. We love a queen with a Google Alert set for her name. This week, she shared that her doctor put her on bed rest for two weeks, so hopefully everything is okay, but she said she’s taking this time to learn how to sew costumes for her kids—can’t wait to see how that turns out.

Emma Roberts

 

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Me…and my two favorite guys 💙💙

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Last spring, Emma Roberts began dating Garrett Hedlund shortly after ending her seven-year relationship with Evan Peters, and a little over a year later, she announced that she and Hedlund are expecting their first child. She shared that the baby is a boy with a cheeky Instagram caption, commenting that Garrett and her baby are “my two favorite guys.” To anyone thinking about doing an elaborate gender reveal that may start a wildfire—this is enough.

Bindi Irwin

 

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Reflecting on when we found out that we are going to be parents. ❤️ Discovering that I was going to become a mother will forever be a moment where time stood still. I took a test and ran into the kitchen where Chandler was making us tea. He didn’t hear me come in so I speechlessly watched him pouring the water into my most loved hedgehog mug. This news would change the course of our future in the best way. I started crying tears of pure joy and told my sweetheart husband that my test was positive. We were beaming while our adorable puppy Piggy sat on our feet wondering what was going on. It reminded me of just how perceptive animals are. We sat together with tea talking about the future and how we were going to share such wonderful, life changing news with the people that we love. In that short span of time the gorgeous baby I’m carrying became the most important part of our lives. It is such a blessing knowing that this tiny person has chosen us as parents. Our baby Wildlife Warrior is going to be so very loved by our families and entire Australia Zoo team. I can’t wait to find out what this amazing new soul loves in life, and experience the world all over again through their eyes.

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In case you want to feel old today, Bindi Irwin—yes, the late Crocodile Hunter’s daughter—is now married, and expecting her first child. She’s dedicated her life to carrying on her late father’s legacy, including marrying her husband Chandler in a very intimate ceremony at Australia Zoo at the beginning of the pandemic. Chandler and Bindi both work at the zoo, and their baby will no doubt be wrangling snakes before it can form full sentences.

Lala Kent

It was only a matter of time before the Vanderpump Rules cast started popping out kids, and Lala Kent was the second former SURver of the summer to make a pregnancy announcement. She’s currently engaged to Randall Emmett (who already has two adorable kids), and with their wedding postponed until 2021 due t0 the pandemic, what better time to start a family? They announced the news on their podcast on Lala’s 30th birthday, and this week Randall posted an ultrasound—revealing that Lala is 10 weeks along—on his Instagram story. Cheers to these two, because they’ve certainly come a long way since the days of Lala only referring to Randall enigmatically as “my man”.

Ashley Darby

 

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There’s no hiding this big belly anymore! We are elated to share our news with you! To say we are thankful is an absolute understatement ♥️ #RHOP

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We’ve seen Ashley Darby go through a lot on The Real Housewives of Potomac, and on the current season, she’s struggling with postpartum depression after giving birth to her first baby, Dean. But she’s come a long way since then, and this week, she shared that she and her husband Michael are expecting a second child in early 2021. Looks like her storyline for season six is all set—hopefully she can mostly steer clear of drama with the other ladies and enjoy a smooth pregnancy.

Mandy Moore

 

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Baby Boy Goldsmith coming early 2021 💙

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On September 24th, Mandy Moore announced via Instagram that she and husband Taylor Goldsmith are expecting a baby boy together in early 2021. Mandy and Taylor got married back in 2018, and they’ll both be first-time parents. Considering that we’ve known Mandy Moore for basically forever, it’ll be exciting to see her on the journey of becoming a mom.

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Images: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com; gigihadid, ashleesimpsonross, jadelizroper, stassischroeder, nickiminaj, kelis, morganstewart, foreverkhadijah, chrissyteigen, emmaroberts, bindisueirwin, randallemmettfilms, ashleyboalchdarby / Instagram

UPDATED: Stassi & Kristen Are Finally Facing Consequences For Calling The Cops On Faith

UPDATE: On Tuesday, it was reported by Variety that Stassi and Kristen have been fired from Vanderpump Rules, along with Brett and Max. According to a statement from Bravo, “Bravo and Evolution Media confirmed today that Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute, Max Boyens and Brett Caprioni will not be returning to Vanderpump Rules.” On Monday, Stassi’s agency and PR firm both confirmed they will no longer be working with her.

Last week, we saw Lea Michele get called out by her Black costars for her problematic, racist behavior, and her subsequent non-apology. But racism certainly isn’t confined to the Glee set, and with the tide of anti-racism that’s growing right now, I’m sure there will be more stories like this in the coming days and weeks. In fact, one old story about Vanderpump Rules has gotten renewed attention over the past week, and it’s about time: Faith Stowers reminded Bravo fans of Kristen and Stassi’s racist behavior towards her, and now Stassi and Kristen are facing backlash and consequences for their actions.

Throughout its eight-season run, diversity in the Vanderpump Rules cast has ranged from slim to none, with most seasons landing at none. Faith Stowers, a Black woman, was brought on as a recurring cast member in the fourth season, but her contract wasn’t renewed, and there hasn’t been a woman of color on the show since. Faith famously reappeared in season five, during the cheating scandal with Jax, but she was never able to tell her side of the story, and she’s said producers refused to pay her to appear at the reunion that season.

It was around this time that Kristen Doute and Stassi Schroeder went on a gross public smear campaign against Faith. On a 2018 episode of the Bitch Bible podcast, Stassi told a story about her and Kristen calling the cops on Faith. They had seen a Daily Mail article about a woman wanted for robbery, who they said looked just like Faith (she didn’t). Stassi excitedly described her and Kristen’s amateur detective work, which included screenshotting surveillance footage and checking tattoo placement in photos. They then proceeded to repeatedly call both the regular police AND the military police (Faith is a veteran) to report her, even after the police didn’t take their reports seriously. If that sounds too cruel and outrageous to be true, it’s not. At the time I’m writing this, Kristen hasn’t even deleted her tweets about it:

hey tweeties, doesn’t this ex #pumprules thief look familiar?

someone put her on mtv & gave her a platform for press. I didn’t wanna go there but I’m going there. https://t.co/4682a7jyzG

— kristen doute 🦒🤟🏽 (@kristendoute) April 26, 2018

and she’s wearing Logan’s jacket!

PS it was his favesies and he would really like it back. https://t.co/SnxmJdcHIo

— kristen doute 🦒🤟🏽 (@kristendoute) April 26, 2018

Stassi had A LOT to say about Faith during this podcast interview: she said Faith was “homeless” during filming for Vanderpump Rules, and accused her of stealing Jax Taylor’s car (with seemingly no evidence). She also said that Lala Kent used to “plant things in her apartment to see if Faith stole it.” Basically, they made Faith’s life a living hell, and not only did they not think what they were doing was completely wrong, they had no problem publicly boasting about it.

At the time, Faith threatened to file a lawsuit against Stassi for what she said on the podcast, but it’s unclear what ultimately came of that. But on an Instagram Live last week, Faith talked about her time on the show, and how poorly her fellow cast members treated her. She specifically brought up the police incident with Kristen and Stassi, saying that having the cops called on her was what “made me really want to run for the hills.” She said she was “invited” to come back on the show after that, but declined. Given the abhorrent treatment she received from her fellow castmates, I don’t blame her.

 

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Ex-cast member Faith talk about her racism experience on reality tv shows Vanderpump Rules and MTV’s The Challenge on Candace Instagram Live. (📹 @thisiscandacerenee @kingfaithhope) #PumpRules #TheChallenge

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While this story has always been incredibly f*cked up in general, it’s particularly awful in the context of the relationship between the Black community and police. Calling the cops is never something that should be taken lightly, but if you call them on a Black person, you are quite literally putting their life at risk (looking at you, Amy Cooper and Svitlana Flom). Stassi and Kristen acted like total Karens when they called the police on Faith based on a few hunches. Also alarming is how they bragged what they did (Stassi said on the now-deleted Bitch Bible episode, “We are like, we just solved a f*cking crime”), and Kristen went so far as to try to send her Twitter followers after Faith.

After Faith’s IG Live last week, Kristen and Stassi started getting a lot of heat on social media, and someone even made an “Accountability for Stassi” Instagram page. For Stassi specifically, this isn’t her only brush with being highly problematic. Back in 2017, Stassi talked about the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, a response to all 20 acting nominees being white, on her podcast, saying that she was “really sick of everyone making everything about race,” adding that she didn’t understand why it was “always just about African Americans.” In 2018, she got criticized for an Instagram story where she described her outfit as “Nazi chic.” In the same photo, she labeled Kristen and her friend Rachael’s outfits “Tupac chic” and “criminal chic,” which also seem problematic. Stassi took down the photo and re-uploaded it with a different label for herself, but she should have just quit while she was behind.

So far, two of Stassi’s podcast sponsors, Ritual and Billie, confirmed to Page Six that they will no longer be working with her after learning of this situation. In addition, Glamour Magazine, which was running a bridal column by Stassi, told Page Six that they have “no plans to continue at this time.”

After keeping quiet about the situation for several days, Stassi and Kristen both spoke out on Sunday, posting written statements on Instagram within minutes of each other. Their apologies aren’t identical, but it definitely feels like they were written looked over by the same crisis PR team. Here’s Stassi’s:

 

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First things first: as a white person, these apologies are not mine to accept. But given that we are all learning, and it’s not the job of Black people to educate us, I wanted to try to unpack their apologies so we can all do better.

Stassi addresses Faith directly, and specifies that she does not expect forgiveness; she apologizes for what she did, not for how Faith felt as a result; and she vows to work to do better in the future. Overall, this is better than, say, Lea Michele’s “perceived” bullsh*t, but there are still a few issues, one being that if she didn’t apologize to Faith in person, this is performative. Another thing: Stassi starts her statement by acknowledging the “racially insensitive comments” that have resurfaced. But this situation went much further than comments, it was really about behavior.

And here’s Kristen’s:

 

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Doute keeps it a bit more to the point, also apologizing directly to Faith and promising to learn and do better. But one part of her post stuck out to me as not quite right: “Although, my actions were not racially driven…” We’re all learning right now, and one thing that’s important to understand is the concept of implicit bias. Racism isn’t just KKK rallies and white supremacist Twitter trolls. Racial prejudice is all around of us, and our society teaches us racial bias in ways we don’t even realize.

Another thing that bothers me in general about these statements is the vague suggestion that all of this happened a long time ago, and that Kristen and Stassi have learned since then. But this didn’t happen a long time ago, it happened in 2018. By any measure, that is RECENT. Not only were Stassi and Kristen adults at the time (Kristen was 35 when she sent those tweets), they were already famous people with platforms and hundreds of thousands of followers. Of course, I hope they really are as dedicated to learning and doing better as they say, but it’s worrying that they thought this was okay just two years ago.

Should Kristen and Stassi be held accountable for their actions? Absolutely. Whether that means losing sponsors or getting fired from Vanderpump Rules, who knows, but they need to know that what they did was not okay. Apologizing is the place to start, but they still need to show actual progress.

Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; kristendoute / Twitter; omfgrealitytv2, stassischroeder, kristendoute / Instagram

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: From Dark To Clarke

Another week into quarantine, another episode of Vanderpump Rules. Last week, I know a lot of other stuff happened (something with Dayna, maybe?) but truthfully the only thing I can remember is Stassi squawking “Beau, am I your person? Am I not? Am I not? Am I not?” like a demented seagull from Finding Nemo upon finding out that Beau would dare speak to Kristen without Stassi’s express approval. She basically almost starts honking “Mine! Mine!” at Kristen before the episode cuts.

But this week, the episode starts not back at the party like I thought it would, but at Beau’s place, where Stassi busts in apologizing. Beau admits in his talking head what I’ve been screaming into the void for the past two episodes now: that this entire argument could have been avoided if he would have just told Stassi he is planning on proposing, but says this would “ruin” everything he’s been planning for the last 6-7 months. That’s right, you can’t put a price or timeline on putting your S.O. through the emotional ringer, can ya!

I know this is immaterial, but what the hell is instant mac and cheese “cacio e pepe” style? Did Stassi just dump a bunch of pepper into Annie’s bunny-shaped mac and cheese? I would like this recipe.

Ugh, so this fake softball game plotline is still going on and Danica is talking about it, the next day. I was hoping this would go the way of every brunch invite I make with random girls I meet when I’m drunk: once daylight hits, we never speak about it again. Alas, it looks like I’m going to pretend to give a crap about these nonexistent stakes. Watching everyone talk about “the big game” and try to hype it up as if it matters at all is insulting to my intelligence. It’s not as if there aren’t other storylines out there they could have explored instead. You mean to tell me they cut Scheana’s egg freezing process for this? You mean to tell me you cut Danica’s restraining-order-having ass for this? 

In any case, Stassi and Beau’s engagement is about to happen. Some people get married and then have kids, some have kids and then get married, and then Stassi and Beau go mausoleum shopping before even getting engaged.

They sit down on a bench, where Beau’s friend has hidden the engagement ring in some weird old-looking metal orb thing, and Beau pops the question. Stassi cannot stop smiling and saying “shut the f*ck up.” It may be the most relatable she’s ever been. Am I crying because this is moving, or because I didn’t fall asleep until 6am last night? Or am I crying because this is the closest to emotional range we will experience this quarantine? Impossible to say.

Stassi calls Katie to let her know Beau popped the question, and now I’m confused because I thought we spent the last 2-3 episodes nailing down the fact that Katie was going to be present at the proposal and Kristen wasn’t? Unless it’s that Kristen isn’t even going to be invited to the post-proposal party at Lisa’s house, in which case, Lisa should just call the fire marshall now. I don’t even know anymore, I’ll blame it on the quarantine and not the fact that I text through like, half this show anyway. Drag me, IDGAF!

Of course Stassi immediately posted her engagement on Instagram, so now the rest of the cast has to talk about it excitedly as if they a) didn’t already know this was happening in advance and b) care.

Ok, so Kristen will not be at the engagement party, and this is a serious yikes. Lala calls her to break the news, which proves unnecessary because Kristen has already figured it out. Damn, I guess she’s smarter than I give her credit for.

Lala’s argument that it was weird for Kristen, a 36-year-old, to ask Beau if they’re still friends makes zero sense, considering that Kristen, a 36-year-old, has to ask Stassi if they are still friends. Like???

Actual footage of Katie the second Lala gets off the phone with Kristen: 

she's so annoying mean girls

Carter takes this opportunity to rage-text Beau that he should thank Kristen for hooking him and Stassi up, and says Stassi shutting Kristen out is “some cold blooded sh*t right there.” He’s not wrong, but he was the absolute worst messenger for this. Like, pretty sure Patrick would have been better received to deliver this point.

One stupid plotline I do love, though, is Schwartz’s unnecessarily elaborate cover for the engagement party, that he’s preparing a seven-course feast complete with individual cast-iron skillets. Ariana bought this, for some reason, and neglected to eat all day. A rookie mistake, ya hate to see it. I kind of feel like she played herself—Schwartz can’t even manage to hold onto a piece of paper for one night. Did she really think he could pull off a seven-course meal? 

I also have to applaud Lisa’s subtle shade of Stassi’s outfit, which I’m sorry to say, is pretty heinous. Lisa is like, “I have a dress upstairs if you want to borrow it. No, really. It’s right upstairs. I can just grab it.”

As someone who likes to use the phrase “raw dogging” in incorrect context because I think it’s funny, hearing Katie refer to Beau’s haphazard storage of the ring as “raw dogging it around” has made me rethink all of my choices. So thanks for that.

The engagement party is absolutely gorgeous, and Brittany is fuming that her engagement party was just at her apartment with like, a Costco cheese platter, versus Stassi’s Villa Rosa engagement party, complete with individual cheese boards for each guest. A real “what you order online vs. what comes in the mail” of engagement parties.

sucks to suck

Meanwhile, Scheana is being the most on-brand she’s ever been, pestering Stassi’s, like, 15-year-old brother Nikolai about whether he has a girlfriend and borderline hitting on him.

If you had to choose one sound to hear before you die, would it be Brittany’s “I’M ENGAAAAYUGED” screech or Beau’s “I’m engaaaaaaaged mothaf*ckas” song? I think I’m going with Beau’s. But it’s a real Sophie’s Choice.

Over at SUR, Charli reveals she finally tried pasta for the first time! Not the kind at SUR (which we all know is nose pasta), but actual noodles! 

Growth

Also at SUR, but far less interesting, Dayna and Brett continue to sow the seeds of their fake relationship.

Stassi putting her engagement ring in her dog’s face until he licks it is the new Jessica feeding her dog red wine on Love is Blind.

The day after getting engaged, Stassi starts talking about having a small, romantic wedding in Italy.

All of us, knowing what’s to come: 

louise belcher

So over… wherever the hell Kristen lives, Jax and Brittany have come over so Jax could mow Kristen’s lawn. Not a euphemism.

Honestly, maybe Brittany is a better person than everyone because she’s still friends with Kristen for unknown reasons, despite the fact that basically nobody else is.

Here’s an idea, guys. How about instead of recapping this dumbass softball game, I insert a couple gifs from The Sandlot? That cool?

I do predict that Danica’s chaotic captain energy and Scheana’s surprisingly good windmill pitch (she doesn’t really have the whole stride/release thing down—yeah I pitched softball throughout high school—but it’s decent and looks intimidating, at least) may take this one, though.

Katie doesn’t want to bat and is just here to eat the sunflower seeds. It’s the most relatable she has ever been.

Really, how bored are these f*cking producers that they had Ariana narrate the game like this is a f*cking Next episode?? Max wants to hit a home run. But Scheana’s hoping he’ll strike out. Let’s see if he commits an error, on the Next bus. Get out of here.

Over in the dugout, James is on the “making amends” step of AA so he apologizes to Katie. She’s understandably skeptical because she’s heard it countless times, though she does seem to take the apology with grace. 

Katie? Grace?

*does a double take*

No, my eyes do not appear to deceive me. Wow. 2020 is a trip.

Charli gets her first underrated comment of the episode: I’m really competitive, probably because I didn’t have a dad growing up. Ok HOW does this girl not get more screentime, but we have to watch Kristen mope about for exactly one-third of every episode? This is a travesty of justice.

Raquel is so cute for thinking that being in pageants has somehow prepared her to play softball, and she goads Jax not to underestimate her as she straight-up sashays to second base. That was cute but also could have been a triple if she actually, ya know, ran. Wait, why am I actually recapping this game like I care? 

SUR wins, Tom Sandoval is definitely going to cry about it later, and that’s the end of the episode. Will Sandoval steal Ariana’s heart? Will Jax run away from his marriage? Will Brett slide into third base with Dayna? Find out next week, on Vanderpump Rules. 

Images: Bravo; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Inappropriate For A Wine Party

I simply must be honest with you all, I feel as though I’m going soft. I know that the general temperature of Reddit, Bravo Facebook groups, and my esteemed colleague and Bravo expert Dylan Hafer seems to be that this season of Vanderpump Rules is trash. But honestly? I find myself liking it. Sure, the subplot between Dayna and whichever TomTom server she’s chosen that week is fake AF. Sure, we don’t care about Jax and Brittany’s wedding. But you know what I cared about even less? The emotional abuse cycle of Jax cheating on Brittany and generally treating her like sh*t and then gaslighting her for being upset about it. Katie and Tom’s Bubba circle-jerk. Lala going on and on about how she likes to please “her man”. 

For all its flaws, Vanderpump Rules could certainly be a lot worse this season. Just remember that, lest we piss off the Bravo gods with our complaining, and they give us three more seasons of Dayna pretending to be interested in Brett or Max. The reality is, this show is too far gone to ever return to its days when the producers would literally sit back and watch these degenerates tear each other to shreds. The show’s too big now, and (some of) the cast are at least a little conscious of their public perception.

So with that honors thesis out of the way, let’s get into this week’s episode. 

The episode kicks off with Dayna and Brett at a fake bartending school, where they are being taught how to mix drinks by a 12-year-old. (Or at least, he looks like one.) Which is oddly fitting considering Dayna says that being a bartender is “in her blood” since her mom was a bartender who taught her to make dirty martinis when she was eight years old. I mean, something is in her blood—I’m just not sure it’s bartending.

Apparently Schwartz really did lose the marriage certificate again, but not to worry—the Vegas chapels probably know that everyone getting married on their premises and can no longer hold onto their dignity, let alone a piece of paper, so they sent it in on their behalf. Honestly, though, I stand by my sentiment that I would take two failed marriage certificates as a sign from the Universe not to go through with it.

Stassi’s still taking jabs at Beau because he hasn’t proposed yet. Stassi is also mad at Kristen because, basically, Kristen still wants to be Beau’s number one, not considering that that would be wildly inappropriate considering 1) Beau is now dating her good friend, and 2) Kristen has f*cked Stassi’s ex before. Can you wonder why Beau would be extra cautious around Kristen? It’s so Stassi doesn’t, to quote Lala, “pop him”.

Kristen says that she, Stassi, and Kristen built their wine company “from the ground up.” Ah yes, the American Dream! Building a wine company from nothing but the backs of your Instagram followings that were in turn built off the backs of you being cast on a wildly successful reality TV show! Pretty sure that’s what my grandparents left Italy for.

Actually, remember what I said about how this season is a bit of fresh air from the past season’s regurgitated drama? I take it all back because Scheana’s talking to Lisa about her egg retrieval, once again insisting how she’s “not looking for a relationship” and “just having fun being single” and whatever party line she’s been toting out since the last season ended and she got mocked by the whole internet for how she behaved with Adam. Why don’t I buy what Scheana’s trying to sell me? Is it because I’m judging her on past behavior too much and assuming people are incapable of change? Or is it because the lady truly doth protest too much? 

Whatever the reason, Lisa isn’t buying it either, and I can at least be comforted knowing I’m not alone. And the fact that it took Lisa straight-up saying to Scheana’s face that she thinks she’s full of sh*t to get her to admit that her revolving door of men have actually f*cked her up, kind of proves that I was right all along. Vindication!

Between Scheana being upset that her booty calls have not called to check in on her after her egg retrieval surgery and the fact that she busted her knee open after razor scootering, I’ve gotta say, it feels like Old Scheana is back. Is her tooth still gray? Give it one more episode and we’ll get the chunky glasses back. Damn, I forgot how entertaining that Scheana was. I’m actually surprised she’s not walking around on crutches right now.

Scheana tells Dayna that she saw a psychic, and she hired that psychic to have Dayna’s mom come through for her birthday. Oh wow that is so wildly inappropriate that I can’t help but crack up to myself.

Dayna: You’ve never lost a parent
Scheana: I know, but my mom has.

Scheana… my god… you are so stupid. Her need to constantly relate everything back to herself is almost pathological.

This really brings me back to the days when Scheana would needle Shay, a known opioid addict, into drinking because she didn’t want to be married to someone who couldn’t have a few drinks with her.

And even better? Scheana was going to spring this psychic on Dayna THAT VERY SECOND. And she tries to play it off to Dayna like “omg no she’s totally not waiting outside your apartment, I wasn’t going to just have her knock on your door, omg lol can you imagine? Hahaha” but then she proceeds to shut the psychic down… OUTSIDE OF DAYNA’S APARTMENT. Lol, I don’t know if Scheana is truly the most insensitive person alive, or if the producers put her up to this and did her extremely dirty. Listening to her try to play the semantics game that she didn’t have the psychic outside waiting (she was only technically on her way to Dayna’s apartment at the time Dayna asked if she was going to knock on her door) is leading me to believe the former.

In a grim turn of events, Beau reveals to Lisa that he isn’t planning on having Kristen be present at Stassi’s engagement. If he really doesn’t invite her, he might as well enter the Witness Protection Program.

All the new people are at some club, and Dayna’s resorted to her flirting strategy of just showering Brett with compliments and blowing up his ego. If that’s what you need to get a man, I will forever be single, and I’m cool with that tbh.

Oh my god if I could buy an Emmy I would personally empty my bank account to give it to the producer who precipitated this exchange:

Brett: Where I’m from if you and your friend have sex with the same girl, it’s ok.
Producer: And where are you from?
Bretty: Jersey

That’s it, guys. We did it. End the episode here. It’s not going to get any better than this.

shut it down

Even the new girls have already clued into the fact that Scheana never keeps the same story because she’s worried about looking bad. Damn, it only took them like, a few weeks? They really are smarter than the rest of the cast.

James and Lala are back in the studio, much to the dismay of… anyone with ears. They actually have a pretty productive conversation about sobriety. Also, does having a stress dream about having gotten f*cked up mean I have a drinking problem? Whatever, I’ve only had one today. One… shelf.

Finally we get some back alley action at SUR (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter) when Brett goes out to talk to Scheana. She’s salty that she’s been blowing up his phone and he didn’t text her back. Scheana! He does not have to answer every single one of your texts! He’s not your boyfriend.

Scheana definitely has a point that she shouldn’t bother with friendships in which she puts in all the effort. However, there’s no point in announcing to someone that you’re dropping them as a friend because they don’t put in effort. You just stop putting in the effort and let the friendship fade.

But then Brett tag teams Dayna in, and she’s not over the psychic. I wouldn’t be either, and I wouldn’t even try to be friends with someone that out of touch with reality. I know, I wouldn’t last a second on this show.

It says a lot that Kristen is physically helping set up the wine party and Stassi and Katie just waltz in and start drinking. But honestly… a mood.

This Us Weekly reporter is gonna be so pissed when she watches this season and realizes that Stassi, Katie, and Kristen lied to every single question she asked them in this interview. Lol.

Danica pitches a SUR vs. TomTom softball game, which will be a fun fake plotline later on in the season.

Also, Max comes up to Dayna to basically tell her that he’s pissed about the Brett thing, but they’re both “moving on” and “ready to be friends.” K, sure Jan.

This whole thing of Ariana and Lala talking about why they’re still friends with James does not interest me, so I’m just going to watch IG Stories.

Whoops, I watched Insta stories for too long and almost missed Stassi talking to Beau about how they’re going mausoleum shopping tomorrow (???) when he’s actually going to be popping the question next episode. But was it worth the constant complaining, Beau? WAS IT?? Because I don’t think it was. Stassi, once again, is talking about how she’s over Kristen as a friend. Beau asks her like, one follow-up question and she immediately starts crying.

Me:escalated quickly

Anyway, this is awkward because wine-drunk Kristen goes up to Beau to ask if they’re still friends. Beau actively tries to avoid saying he can’t be friends with her anymore because Stassi doesn’t like her, but Kristen pokes at it until he’s basically forced to admit the truth.

Stassi comes up and tries to pull rank that Beau is her boyfriend, and Kristen just says “this is inappropriate for a wine party” and walks away. Lol. This leads me to wonder what would be appropriate for a wine party? It’s a wine party. I feel like anything goes.

Stassi goes completely ballistic, and ah yes, this is Old Stassi. Damn, first Old Scheana, now Old Stassi? What an episode. Yeah, she’s back on her hive mind bullsh*t where nobody she associates with is allowed to be cool with anyone she doesn’t like. In fact, if you don’t wish ill upon whoever Stassi doesn’t like at the moment, you’re dead to her. Remember Lala circa… up until this past season when she gave them rides on the private jet? Beau, if you would so much as piss on Kristen if she were on fire, Stassi will torpedo your entire relationship.

Stassi gives Beau an ultimatum that he should either go home with her or Kristen. Bud, you might want to rethink that proposal tomorrow. Maybe you shouldn’t have lied to Stassi all summer, and then she wouldn’t have freaked out in a tornado of insecurity. Ya hate to see it!

Images: Bravo; Giphy

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Sweet As Silver

Greetings, children of the quarn, and come join me for the latest Vanderpump Rules recap. Truthfully, the only thing I remember about last week was how unintentionally hilarious Charli was. Judging by her Instagram follower count and her typical allotted amount of screen time per episode, she is pitifully underrated. Like, not to brag (but kind of to brag) but how do I, a certified jackass who just subtweets my Hinge dates and posts screenshots of those tweets to Instagram, have more followers than a regulation hottie on a hit TV show? I will try to not let this go to my head.

Narrator: She would, in fact, immediately let it go to her head.

It’s only been like, three episodes since Jax and Brittany’s wedding, and we’re already back on the wedding train with Katie and Tom’s fake Vegas wedding. Stassi and Sandoval are officiating the wedding together, because I guess Katie and Schwartz really do not want to be legally married. Just kidding, I’m sure Sandoval, at least, will get all the proper licensing. Stassi will probably just find a way to not really do her job and make it about her.

Seeing Danica, Scheana, and Charli go to an outdoor bar and order Aperol spritzes is giving me physical pangs of grief. I too remember those days!! Scheana’s not going to Katie and Tom’s wedding because she’s getting her eggs retrieved, and not because she wasn’t invited. Phew, I honestly wasn’t sure.

Meanwhile, at TomTom, Brett is telling Max that he made out with Dayna but it was only because he downed three fruity drinks right in a row and he never has carbs or alcohol! He definitely doesn’t like Dayna at all. This is shady.

Charli is once again the underrated MVP of this entire show with this quote: “To men in LA, vaginas don’t have a face.” New York is the same, in case anyone was wondering. Or is the problem just… men? More on this at 8.

Gonna be honest with you guys, I like, scrolled through Instagram for five solid minutes of Lisa pretending to buy shoes and everyone arriving in Vegas. I just watched McMillions yesterday and now I’m triggered by any and all B-roll footage.

Unfortunately for Dayna, she has been left at SUR to polish glasses—as if she would have been invited to Vegas in the first place. Scheana comes up to Dayna to tell her, once again, that she’s freezing her eggs. The thing is, I could easily make a joke about how it’s like… Nobody: Scheana: I’m freezing my eggs, but the saddest part is that still nobody ever listens to her. 

Over in Vegas, Lala and Randall are talking in bed, and wow, they look really good here.

randall 90 day fiancé meme

As Schwartz is unpacking, he pulls out a bra that is definitely not Katie’s, that just “happened” to end up in his suitcase. It is… pretty dark to watch Schwartz try to jokingly-not-jokingly gaslight Katie that it is, in fact, her bra, only to slink away when that doesn’t work, muttering, “I’m so f*cked.” Ohhh boy. This is not gonna be good.

Also in Vegas, not at all prompted by producers, Beau calls Stassi’s dad to ask his permission to marry her. Beau is sweating like a whore in church and stammering like… a whore confessing in church? I don’t know, I don’t go to church!

Things I did not need to know: Raquel is turned on by James’s sobriety. Yea, I’m not surprised that James is better at sex when he doesn’t have constant whiskey dick. Let’s move on.

Scheana’s doppelgänger waitress is crazy, but what’s even crazier is Stassi trying to flex like she doesn’t remember the name of Scheana’s song. She calls it “Sweet as Silver,” and like, bitch, we all know you know it’s “Good as Gold.” First of all, you heard it nonstop in the Pride parade. 44 donkey kicks to the ear, remember? Also, it is a bop, so put some goddamn respect on Scheana’s name.

It’s pretty wild that Schwartz is going to insist that he has nothing to hide vis-à-vis the bra situation, when we all saw him black out in Mexico and end up in a totally different resort. Just saying, it’s completely within the realm of possibility. But then we learn that Lisa put her underwear in there accidentally but also as a prank? I am confused, but honestly not upset with this turn of events.

Ariana’s reaction to the giant bottle of Casamigos is everything.

Ariana Vanderpump Rules

Bootleg Scheana continues to trip even Max and Lisa out, and predictably, she’s flirting with Max too. Is this a glitch in the Matrix, or do they just go to the same botox doctor? Where is Charli for a hilarious yet true quote about all the women in LA?

I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say that Max doesn’t get to dump Dayna/refuse to take her back and then try to forbid Brett from seeing her under the guise that he “has feelings” for her. Max is like, “if I can’t use Dayna for my storyline, no one can!” 

Dayna and Danica are hanging out and she’s wearing some crazy sweatshirt with a chain situation. I love that they’re talking about the “magical website” where Danica shops that is definitely like, Fashion Nova.

I also love Danica trying to explain why Dayna and Brett aren’t a good match, in earnest, because Dayna is a Leo and Brett is a Pisces and “those two just don’t mix.” And then she makes an off-the-cuff remark about how two of her exes have restraining orders against her? Okay, one, who let her on this show? But also, like, who is only letting her have a minimal part in this show? This is a huge missed opportunity. We need more Danica content.

Katie and Schwartz’s fake wedding is pretty fun, and this is the best Katie has never looked. But um, super yikes that Stassi used her friend’s second wedding to sh*t on Beau for not proposing. I need to say it again because I’m not over it: yikes. Girl, get a grip.

Brett, Dayna, James, and Raquel are on the weirdest double date ever. Brett stumbles through a half-assed garden metaphor and then talks about how he….. has a fetish to drink his mom’s breast milk? Sorry, but that’s what I heard, guys.

Dayna remarks that Lisa “has a phat pussy”, and can we not with the Lala energy? I’m going to crawl into my own belly button like Stimpy in that one harrowing episode of Ren & Stimpy. 

The next morning, Stassi calls room service in a fake British accent. I would knock it, but I’m about to be doing that with telemarketers in about a week just to get my kicks. 

Unsurprisingly, Max f*cked Bootleg Scheana. You know what we call that? Brand loyalty.

The next day, the Bubbas are extremely hungover, and it’s the moment of truth to see if Tom was able to hang onto his marriage certificate…. Again. He did lose it, and I gotta say, this is on Katie this time for trusting him with it again. 

Schwartz: Even without the piece of paper, we’re still legally married.
Katie: Actually that paper is like, the only thing that guarantees we are legally married.

Honestly guys, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Look at it this way: if you never get legally married, then you don’t have to deal with (or pay for) a divorce!

If you want more Vanderpump Rules content, check out our video with Kristen Doute from the Betches Instathon:

Images: runningdreamz / Twitter; Bravo

‘Vanderpump Rules’s Danica Called Out Stassi On Twitter

As much as I hate to admit it, this season of Vanderpump Rules has been disappointing. We had to sit through nearly a dozen episodes dedicated mostly to Jax and Brittany’s nightmare fairytale wedding, and things haven’t gotten much more interesting in the weeks since. But just because the actual episodes have been slow doesn’t mean there’s not some interesting drama playing out in real life—or, because we’re all quarantined, playing out on social media.

Last Friday, Stassi Schroeder tweeted a joke about how she would willingly go back to being a waitress at SUR if it meant the quarantine would be over. If you watch the show, you know that Stassi never actually liked working at SUR, so this is a pretty big statement for her.

I’m willing to go back to waitressing at SUR for this quarantine to be over. Honestly— at this point, I’d pay to put on that SUR dress and clock in.

— Stassi Schroeder (@stassi) April 10, 2020

Stassi obviously meant it as a joke, and plenty of people found it funny, including SUR manager Peter Madrigal, who responded to Stassi with a shift assignment. But not everyone appreciated Stassi’s joke. Danica Dow, a SURver who is new to Vanderpump Rules this season, called Stassi out for being tone-deaf. She noted that due to the closure, SUR employees have had to file for unemployment, and Stassi is “insensitively cracking jokes” while the Toms are raising money for their employees (more on that in a minute).

While Tom & Tom are raising money for their employees, you’re kind of insulting this pandemic that has left everyone at sur having to file for unemployment. Everyone at sur is struggling while you’re insensitively cracking jokes & sitting pretty in your new house smh.

— Danica (@Danicadowww) April 11, 2020

While I wasn’t immediately offended by Stassi’s tweet, Danica definitely has a point. Though COVID-19 has affected everyone—Stassi even had to postpone her tour—it’s not quite the same. She’ll probably be just fine, while all of the people who actually work at SUR (they’re not all TV stars) are struggling, and would probably love to be able to go back to work right now.

Some people replied calling Danica thirsty or jealous, but even if that’s true, she’s not wrong about the situation at SUR. According to some reports, Lisa Vanderpump and the other owners aren’t doing anything to help out their restaurant employees right now, which is really disappointing. Lisa even told Andy Cohen that “they’re all on unemployment.” I don’t know the details of her finances, but if she’s anywhere near as rich as she comes across on the show, paying some bartenders seems like the least she could do. Lisa, what’s up?

But who here is actually doing the right thing? Tom and Tom! As much as Tom Schwartz is on my sh*t list right now on the show, he and Tom Sandoval are at least trying to do something good for their employees. The Toms are together during quarantine, and they joined Cameo to raise money for the TomTom staff. 100% of the money they earn from Cameo goes to the employees, and they’re matching everything up to $10,000. I’m not expecting these people to be writing million-dollar checks, but this feels like they’re really doing what they can.

 

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Millions of people in the restaurant industry are out of work bc of #covıd19 including our @tomtom Family, @twschwa and I are donating 100% of our earnings from cameo to our TomTom Staff & matching the amount up to $10,000!! Book ur @cameo today and get a personalized message from the #2toms !! -❤️LINK IN BIO ❤️-Thank u so much everyone! Stay safe! We love u! #pumprules

A post shared by Tom Sandoval (@tomsandoval1) on

In Tom Sandoval’s comments, someone tried to come for him for not just paying his employees normally. Tom, who is an angel on earth, responded that “as a 5% owner, this what I can do.” Okay, we stan. As we all know, Tom and Tom are not actually the majority owners here—that’s Lisa Vanderpump! This response from Tom feels like both an actual explanation and some subtle shade at Lisa, and she kinda deserves it.

So what does this all boil down to? Right now is an extremely tough time for people in service industries, and it’s sad that more employers (especially those with money) aren’t helping their staff out. So Stassi’s joke was probably in poor taste, and Danica wasn’t wrong to point that out, but the real issue here is that Lisa Vanderpump could probably be doing more to help her employees. Thankfully, Tom and Tom are doing what they can, but it’s just not enough. All I know is that when this is all over, I’m going to SUR, and I will be tipping generously to thank these people for all they’ve given us. It’s the least I can do!

Images: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com; stassi, danicadowww / Twitter; tomsandoval1 / Instagram

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Kristen, There’s People That Are Dying

Well, I might perish from the coronavirus any day now, but still, I continue to write these recaps. (That’s a lie, I don’t even have a cold.) But if I do have to go into self-imposed quarantine, I guess that will give me much more time to write about our favorite band of servers! I suppose there’s a silver lining to everything.

Last week, everyone arrived in Kentucky for Jax and Brittany’s wedding week. Do you think after the wedding they’ll be like, “how could you do this (i.e. call me out for a legitimate wrongdoing), on the week after my wedding”? Actually, why am I even asking that question? Jax and Brittany are going to be with their wedding how most white women are with their babies: Oh, it’s only 26 months old!

This week, we open up at Jax and Brittany’s rehearsal. Jax and Brittany start giving a speech, when a fake detective shows up, because this is not just an engagement party—it’s a fake murder mystery whodunit party.

We need to get Michael Scarn on this case.

After the game (which Lala nailed and Stassi overthought, to try to prove to everyone how much she really loves murder… somebody tell her real detectives know about Occam’s razor), Lala, Stassi, and Katie are talking sh*t about Kristen. Kristen comes over and says “what are you guys talking about?” and Lala, ever the G, says “you.” Kristen, trying to project self-confidence but failing miserably, says, “I love that.”

Kristen says Carter is her best friend, conveniently forgetting all the times he’s treated her like sh*t and screamed at her and whatever. And also forgetting her actual best friends, who are sitting two feet in front of her. And no, I didn’t have to recount Carter’s horribleness for myself, because the Bravo editors (who, tbh, are now going borderline overboard this season) have inserted a convenient little flashback to all the times Carter treated Kristen worse than I treat random people on the subway whom I know I’ll never see again.

Kristen tries to read everyone one by one. She says that Lala is a bitch, Stassi doesn’t care about anyone’s problems (I couldn’t actually hear what she said because Katie immediately started yelling “you’re an obnoxious bitch” over her), and Brittany comes running over to tell everyone to stop fighting.

At SUR, some random girl (Adriana?) asks Dayna what’s up with Max. They also show a flashback in which he compliments her, but solely her makeup/beauty routine. I’m just trying to get a guy who will notice my haircut, but ok. Adriana tells Dayna that she saw Max with a girl, and they seemed “friendly”. Adriana and Danica found the girl on Instagram (her name is Olivia), and she’s wearing a Pride shirt that Max gave her. Ah, giving a TomTom Pride shirt—the true marker of a serious relationship.

Shockingly, everyone ended up being right about Max. Ya hate to see it.

Two nights before Jax’s wedding, he is NOT going out, but staying in to like, ruminate on his life. Is this…. is this… growth?

Throwing in my favorite gif for good measure, even though we are about to see that it’s not really applicable here:

Kristen is now crying to Beau like “you’re my boy, Blue Beau”. Beau literally has to explain the concept to her that you can’t pay as much attention to your friends as you do to your significant others. Kristen’s crying that nobody ever calls her up to ask her if she’s okay, and it’s like the whole cast has just learned what us viewers have known since the dawn of this show: that every single person on it is self-absorbed as all f*ck.

Kristen really wants us all to throw her a pity parade because she can’t decide how she feels about Carter long enough to break up with him or get back together one way or the other. And to that I say:

You gotta love people who create their own problems and then get mad at everybody else for not coddling them through their self-imposed dilemmas. If I were friends with Kristen, I would have murdered her six episodes ago. (I’m a great friend, I swear! I’m very fun at brunch.)

Everyone except Jax is hungover the next day, and to be honest, “I did not mean to get that drunk last night” should just be emblazoned on Schwartz’s tombstone at this point.

Lala comes to Kristen and Scheana’s room, and Kristen just straight-up ignores Lala. Ironically, Kristen says of all her friends refusing to baby her, “I’m so tired of it.” Oh, you’re tired? I don’t even know any of you, and I’m f*cking exhausted.

Ewww, apparently Kristen will sh*t talk Stassi to Beau?

The funny thing to me is that Stassi is ready to be done with Kristen forever because she’s just now realizing she’s a psychopath. I guess it’s only ok when Kristen is flying girls in from Miami and punching James at weddings—in other words, when she’s only being a psycho in other people’s relationships, and it’s fun and dramatic. Not when it’s actually like, emotionally laborious.

We learn that Schwartz did the most Schwartzy thing ever and lost his own marriage license, meaning that Katie and Schwartz have not technically been married this entire time. Just throw out season 5, that was a complete waste of time.

Jax: But how do you do your taxes?
Schwartz: What are ta…. taxes?

I f*cking love that Katie trusted Schwartz with, like, the only actual important part of the wedding (making sure they are, ya know, legally married), and Schwartz could not even manage to keep track of one piece of paper. ONE. This is the ultimate “you had one job!”

Scheana’s lost her voice, probably from screaming ” IS MY BEST FRIEND!” to nobody who asked. They’re talking about James and Raquel and how James agreed to go to an AA meeting, and Lala agrees to reach out to James to talk to him about it. Can’t wait to see how little time it will take him to say something offensive to Lala and nuke that olive branch of friendship right into the ground.

Kristen’s moved on to Stassi’s mom, now that she’s officially tapped the Weho Sympathy Well. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more bleak.

Speaking of Weho, Max goes over to Dayna’s apartment. The great thing about this scene is he probably thinks he’s getting laid, when we all know he’s walking into an ambush. *Rubs hands together excitedly like Mr. Burns*

Dayna starts off real subtle, like “is there anything you need to tell me?” Max obviously says no. Dayna’s like “so you’re not exclusively dating this girl?” And shows him her phone.

Max starts spinning in circles trying to make up excuses, being like “well, I dunno, she just moved to LA because I like, told her that would be cool and I’d be excited to hang out with her when she got here, how is it my fault that she moved to LA and is trying to hang out with me now?”

I’m f*cking impressed that Dayna had the strength to end their sh*t right then and there…. and then dipped his necklace in toilet water AND THEN KITTY LITTER before giving it back to him. Carrie Underwood called, she said she’s writing this into the remix of “Before He Cheats”.

 

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Ok Dayna won me over here. #maxwearsapoonecklace #dontmesswithdayna #maxisapieceofshit #sohisnecklaceactuallymatches #alsohiskeyring #ishethesuperintendent #daynacanstayfornextseason

A post shared by Two Judgey Girls (@twojudgeygirls) on

Lisa ends up making Jax and Brittany’s wedding because her mother’s funeral ended up getting delayed. Jax and Lisa are having a heart-to-heart and whatever, and he starts choking up about not having any parents at his wedding. I think I speak for all of us when I say: BUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR MOM? The people demand the full story!

Meanwhile, Beau has joined a flash mob at the Pride parade. Or is it a zumba class? I’m unclear. Anyway, I would probably do the same thing if I were trapped in the same room as Kristen and she was cry-screaming at me.

At TomTom, Max is filling in James on the Dayna situation. He says everything would have been fine if everyone stayed out of their business, conveniently forgetting that if he hadn’t done anything, there would have been no business for anyone to get into. But sure, blame it on the women. Also, James doesn’t want to go to an AA meeting. Who’s shocked? Nobody? Bueller? Ok good, moving on.

Jax and Brittany come back from the party, have a whole conversation about how Jax is about to stop drinking because they are getting married in the morning, and then they both go, “Okay, let’s go party some more.” I know how this is going to end, and it’s with Schwartz going missing on the roof all day.

Brittany told everyone to bring onesies. Beau shows up in a full knight costume. Kristen is basically getting naked. She’s going to be realllly fun at the wedding!

I actually can’t believe they are partying this hard the night before the wedding. All I’d be doing would be taking a xanax and passing out at 9pm. Don’t you have to be up early for hair and makeup? Being hungover at my own wedding sounds like a waking nightmare.

Brittany: I hope Jax isn’t drinking right now
Cut to: Jax ladling mystery alcohol to the face. This is hurting even me.

Then we get a montage of Jax calling Brittany his best friend and partner in crime, which I suppose does track because he did steal those sunglasses that time in Hawaii.

It looks like next week will be Jax and Brittany’s wedding, and then we’ll finally be home free! …Until Lala’s wedding and Stassi’s engagement. But still, silver linings!

Images: Giphy (3), Tenor (2)

What’s Up With Celebrities Asking You To Text Them?

So you might have noticed celebrities from Stassi Schroeder to Ashton Kutcher are practically begging their followers on social media to text them. Since I’m such a good person, I volunteered as tribute to shamelessly text these people so you don’t have to. What did I find out? Unsurprisingly, just like your ex, they will disappoint and then ghost you. 

boredddd on this drive…. text me… 310-870-3349

imma be replying to as many ppl

— Jake Paul (@jakepaul) July 3, 2019

Let’s break down what it means when a celeb posts their phone number to social media. Instagram, Twitter, and the other social media platforms all function as algorithms. Every time you interact with an account, they rise to the top of your algorithm. It’s kind of  like when we were asked to publicly rank the girls in middle school on Myspace Top 8, but this time, it’s done by a robot and you see more of the girls you hate-follow than anyone else. Stories get buried behind a long list of other accounts, and no matter how many times I plead and offer up my first born to the Instagram tech support gods, chronological feeds are a dead concept. 

Remember the dark time when every influencer under the sun banshee cried to their followers to turn on notifications because their posts weren’t being seen? Well, now celebs are feeling the burn of not getting enough attention, too, so what are they doing? They’re turning to new ways of communicating. You have probably noticed stars like Diddy and Sophia Bush promoting their “phone number” on Twitter and IG, instructing fans to text them. On a video posted to IGTV, Diddy claims, “On the ’Gram, everybody knows about everything. I want a deeper connection with my fans.” Which is cool and all, but seeing as how he has approximately 15.1 million followers, I’m not too hopeful about him finding that deeper connection. I can barely maintain text conversations with more than three people, and usually I forget to respond for days at a time. So can Diddy really keep up with 15 million convos with a bunch of randoms who are probably linking their SoundCloud to get discovered? I’m going to say no.

Then what is the point of these celebrities pestering their fans to text them? And are they actually texting their fans? Well, I’ll tell you. 

Most of the phone numbers, that many celebs pass off as specifically designated for their fans, actually come from an app called Community. Ashton Kutcher invested in the app earlier this year and has been plugging it ever since. There’s a waitlist to get the program, so it’s kind of exclusive. And luckily for you, Community doesn’t work with politicians (yet) so you don’t have to worry about getting messages from the government—except that one time Trump sent out that Presidential text and all of America collectively decided to go on airplane mode.

When I decided to try out this texting thing, I got really self-conscious pretty quickly. Because, like a true fangirl, I held onto the hope that one of these people would realize how cool I was after texting and then I could become the Johnathan Cheban to their Kim. And naturally, when my teenage vampire-loving heart saw this video of Ian Somerhalder, I was determined to text him and win his love (or at least friendship).

Helllllo Twitter verse… Text me- here is my number. This is real;)
310 953 3314 pic.twitter.com/cpl2vqPCnD

— Ian Somerhalder (@iansomerhalder) October 13, 2019

What happens next is pretty anticlimactic. 

So after sending a basic greeting (honestly you can send anything to kick this off, I chose to go with a standard “Team Stefan” opener), you’ll get a slew of robotic messages that let you know right off the bat, you are NOT actually texting a celebrity and are just going back-and-forth with a service. I feel hustled, scammed, bamboozled, led astray.

After a few days of hearing nothing back from Ian (I asked him to get a recipe from his wife I saw her make on YouTube), I decided to jump to another celeb, someone a bit less famous and a bit more basic: Stassi Schroeder. 

Currently traveling for her podcast/book tour, Stassi posted that she would be answering texts while at the airport. I’ve noticed this is a trend. Many people who use Community give their fans a specific window to let them know when they are online, so again, that should tell you how unlike real texting this is, since it’s 2019 and we are all glued to our phones. 

You might notice how similar the welcome messages are between Ian and Stassi, but that’s where the likeness ends. Periodically, these celebs will send updates on things they are doing, causes they hope you donate to, or pictures to keep the false sense of friendship alive. Depending on the person you’re subscribing to (and yeah, it’s pretty much a subscription) the content changes. 

You might have noticed Stassi’s contact picture in the above screenshot and thought, “Wow Emily, way to overcommit on this one.” But let me tell you, I haven’t saved a new contact into my phone in years. The Community program automatically creates a contact for you, equipped with a perfectly curated candid photo and all. Which is weird, right? Something about this feels like we are entering an episode of Black Mirror

Just to check, I called a few of the numbers to see what would happen, and got a generic voicemail from almost all of them. Jake Paul and Stassi claim everyone knows they don’t answer the phone and texting is the way to go. Sophia Bush and Paul McCartney admit they won’t listen to voicemails and encourage everyone to text them. So I guess my hopes for late-night calls from a former Beatle won’t be coming true after all.

So ultimately, why are celebrities “texting” us things they could just promote on their social channels? It’s just one more way to reel their fans in, and make them feel like they’re getting something exclusive. Like any episode of Catfish will teach us, texting allows a person to feel connected and special, and so getting a text that’s “from” your favorite celeb can trick you into feeling important. Texting is meant to be a private medium, so you can believe anything you say to these celebrities is between just the two of you (although you may want to check the terms and conditions).

And when it comes down to it, we don’t even truly know that the celebrities are sending any of these messages themselves. I’m sure some do send their own messages occasionally, but I’m also sure that there are a lot of interns in Hollywood right now who didn’t realize their semester would mostly consist of sending fake texts impersonating whoever they’re working for. Sure, if you’re lucky, you’ll be the one random message they choose to answer while on their Instagram story to prove this whole thing is legit, but don’t get your hopes up.

In the end, text your favorite celebrities if you really want the latest updates on what they have going on, but don’t expect to get personalized messages in return. I mean, did you really think Diddy was going to respond to your texts? You’ll have better luck texting your ex.

Images: Jae Park / Unsplash; jakepaul, iansomerhalder / Twitter; stassischroeder / Instagram