When our Instagram feeds are flooded with images of apple picking and cable knit sweaters, it can only mean one thing: pumpkin spice season is upon us. Every year, like a “u up?” text at 2am, people from all over put on their UGGs and flock to the nearest Starbucks in search of the coveted pumpkin spice latte. But why? Why is it that we have this undeniable need to have pumpkin spice coursing through our veins? Where did this obsession come from? What is driving our addiction to all things pumpkin spice? Well as it turns out, there are scientific reasons why you can’t get enough of this fall favorite.

Limited Availability

Reminder that Fall is coming so make sure you have a pumpkin spice product in your car at all times because cops are cracking down this year

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 30, 2016

Available for a limited time only: six words that can have us ready to shove our grandma out of the way in order to get to a small reserve of goods. Are we just insanely greedy, or can we blame science for this? According to psychologist Jack Brehm, we are hard-wired to crave things that are not always available. Through Brehm’s discovery of reactance theory (where, when people feel restricted, they feel a strong need to gain back their freedom) he finds that when we are told we can no longer do/have something, we then infinitely want do it/have it more. In layman’s terms, we want what we can’t have. In one of Brehm’s most notable studies, he asked participants to rank three records that they would like to have, Brehm then informed them that their third option was no longer available, and ask them to rank their top three choices again. What he found was that people then ranked their original third choice first, simply because it was no longer available, and thus more attractive to them.

It’s the same in relationships, like the art of playing hard to get, or only wanting the guy you keep on the backburner strictly for attention when he’s seeing someone else. You never give the guy you friend-zoned a romantic thought—that is, until he starts dating someone else and then he instantly becomes Brad Pitt in your eyes. Now that they are no longer available you will stop at nothing to get them back, running through airport security to stop them at the gate and ask them to split a PSL with you while you ride off into the sunset. I digress, but you get the idea. If you’re told you can’t have something, that only makes you want it more. I wonder if advertising firms have caught on to this yet?

Pumpkin spice season only comes around once a year, meaning for the rest of the year we won’t be able to have it, no matter how much we want it. As Brehm has taught us, we as a result want goods, like pumpkin spice lattes, more because we’re told that soon we can’t have it at all. This dared me to ask the question: Do I even like pumpkin spice or do I just want it because I can’t have it? In my case, turns out it’s a little bit of both.

Serious Nostalgia

Ahhh, the scent of the holidays, inhaling the jolly wonders of pumpkin spice and everything nice. In a 2017 interview with CNN, the assistant professor of psychology and director of the neurostudies minor at Longwood University in Virginia, Catherine Franssen, says that sugar and spice combinations can evoke happiness and flood our senses with blissful childhood memories, like holiday traditions—or, in my experience, making out with your high school boyfriend in his car underneath the pumpkin spice air freshener, which is also technically a holiday tradition. Don’t judge. Franssen also tells CNN that we relate the smell of pumpkin spice to happy times because we encounter this spice blend early in life, like baking pies at grandma’s house or whatever.

So while we’re busy feeling all warm and fuzzy, we become completely oblivious to the fact that pumpkin spice has manipulated us into feeling happy. How rude, right? Not only that, but Franssen also writes in her 2015 article for the Huffington Post that smell can account for up to 80% of flavor, so that because we are enamored with the scent, we then in turn enjoy the food or drink even more.

Sugar Addiction Is Real

betches on TikTok

betches(@betches) has created a short video on TikTok with music Thisisnotmysound. it’s pumpkin SZN #foryoupage #fyp

This may come a shock to you, but sugar is highly addictive, and occasionally Starbucks drinks with names longer than a royal title can be packed full of sugar. Sorry to have to horrify you with the calorie count of a PSL, but a grande pumpkin spice latte with whipped cream at Starbucks contains 380 calories and 50 grams of sugar, while a tall size still has 300 calories with 39 grams of sugar. With stats like that, you might want to rethink your morning pick-me-up, or at least not make it a daily occurrence, because consuming mass amounts of sugar can leave you wanting more mass amounts of sugar. As cited by scholars, Serge H. Ahmed, Karine Guillem, and Youna Vandaele in their academic review, Sugar Addiction: Pushing The Drug-Sugar Analogy To The Limit, sugar has been alluded to be just as addictive as another white powdery substance that can also fill you with bursts of energy. Cocaine, I’m talking about cocaine.

As Catherine Franssen continues on with CNN she relays that, combining the enticing scent with copious amounts of sugar, especially when you’re hungry, can lead to a subconscious association of feeling totally satisfied. Through this process, you have now successfully tricked your nervous system into craving pumpkin spice, and that without it you may very well spiral into a state of unwavering despair. That may sound a bit dramatic, but honestly if you have ever been denied a pumpkin spiced muffin or latte, you know the feeling, and have most likely broken down into tears in the middle of a crowded Starbucks. No? Just wait, it will happen to you too.

Pumpkin Spice And Everything Nice

Okay, now what have we learned? Pumpkin spice products contain insane amounts of sugar, it can remind us of joyous times in our lives, and thus leaves us craving it because we can’t always have it. So thank you science for giving us valid reasons behind our unsettling obsession to the effects of pumpkin spice.

Since it only happens once a year, we can agree to call it a healthy obsession, right? Also, if you have been taking a drink every time I’ve said the words pumpkin spice, I’m seriously impressed, and you should also probably go get your stomach pumped now.

Images: Soeka / Shutterstock.com; RodLacroix, betchesluvthis / Twitter; Giphy

Tbh, I’ve never understood the whole mermaid obsession. Like, I get it if you’re a 5-year-old who just went to Disney World for the first time. But a bunch of post-grad betches running around with mermaid crowns and blue-ish green colored toast? Ya look stupid. And why male models mermaids? Is it because of The Little Mermaid? Because that’s a cool movie and all, but Ariel also got married when she was 16 to a dude who just liked her because she was naked upon arrival and didn’t speak. No fucking thanks. But regardless of my disdain for the extra af mermaid freaks, Starbucks is giving in and creating a mermaid Frappuccino. And all the basic bitches go wild.

In terms of what the new frap looks like, it’s a pale green color with light blue whipped cream and big-ass purple sprinkles, and most importantly, it’s v Instagram-able. Personally, I like this look more than the unicorn frap because that shit just looks like Lisa Frank threw up in a glass. The mermaid option is more subtle. The taste, however, is questionable at best. It’s the standard cream base with melon and “magical flavor of the sea.” Okay. Let’s start with cream base and melon… Ew. Who tf wants that? Can’t we just do like, mint chocolate chip or something? And don’t even get me started on this “magical flavor of the sea” business. I’m gonna need a fucking ingredient list on that, Starbucks. Is it fishy or salty? Either way I’m gonna have to pass on that. Thanks tho…

For all of you who have always dreamed a of a sea-flavored frap or just care that much about basic beverage posts on their ‘Gram, bad news. It’s only available in Mexico, which seems random to me, but fine. It has something to do with the ingredients not being in the US which makes literally no sense since both melons and oceans are available here. But it also makes me wonder what kinds of drugs they’re putting in it… hmm, maybe I should stop hating on this drink. No word yet on if the mermaid Frappuccino will ever make its way stateside, but look at the bright side: now you have an excuse for a Mexican vacay.

Aquatic Folklore Blended Beverages – The Starbucks Mermaid Frappuccino is Only Available in Mexico… https://t.co/jE8neYij1V #lifestyle pic.twitter.com/FdVPcTG4R7

— 18d.Media (@18dMedia) August 26, 2017

When you think “fun additions to your morning Starbucks order,” what comes to mind? Whipped cream? Peppermint flakes? Some form of caramel? Sure. All of that sounds like a good and reasonable option. You know what doesn’t sound as good? Beef jerky. But the fact that “beef jerky coffee” sounds literally stomach-churning to most normal humans is not stopping the innovative minds at Starbucks, who announced this week that they’ll be rolling out a new Pepper Nitro With a Jerky Twist at their flagship Seattle Roastery. Um…hard pass. Hard pass on beef jerky in your coffee. Hard pass on calling a Starbucks a “roastery.” Hard pass on every man, woman, and child involved in this decision-making. Go home, kids. Party’s over.

According to The Starbucks Newsroom—which we’ll also be adding to things we’re passing on today—the Pepper Nitro with a Jerky Twist is exactly what your coffee was missing:

“Pepper Nitro with a jerky Twist takes freshly ground Congo coffee, slow-steeped as cold brew and served onto a draft through a nitro tap, then infused with a sweet and savory malted fennel black pepper syrup. The beverage is topped with a layer of honey cold foam and finished with a sprinkling of cracked pink peppercorn and a bamboo skewer of natural beef jerky made with grass-fed beef.”

So that’s all interesting info, Starbucks, but it answers literally 0 of the 200+ questions I had when I first heard about beef jerky in coffee, the first of which was “but y tho?”

In Starbucks’ defense, they did attempt to answer the very pressing “Why, God, why?!” that would pop into anyone’s mind when hearing about a coffee with beef jerky in it. Their answer?

“We want to celebrate our passion for coffee, but also create the unexpected with flavors we know Roastery customers will love.”

Will they though, Starbucks?!? WILL THEY?!?! Who are the people who want to drink beef jerky? WHO?!? And once you’re beyond the fact that this “beverage” comes with a literal piece of meat inside it, then you can move onto the other disturbing elements of the Pepper Nitro, namely, the pepper. Who wants pepper in their coffee? This isn’t some fancy Brooklyn hipster bar. I don’t need your specialty cocktails!

Anyway, no word yet on when this monstrosity will be available outside Seattle, but I’ll be sticking to unsweetened iced coffee. Thanks. 

Last month, when Starbucks introduced the Unicorn Frappuccino for a limited run, the internet just about lost its damn mind. Stores literally sold out of the blue and pink sugar rush in a cup, and baristas everywhere were posting pictures of how their lives had basically been ruined by the drink (same tho). It had absolutely no coffee in it, and we knew that whoever handles karma would find a way to get them back for this monstrosity. Turns out it didn’t take long, and Starbucks might be headed to court over the Unicorn Life-Ruiner Frappuccino.

A coffee shop in Brooklyn called The End has slammed Starbs with a $10 million trademark lawsuit, claiming that they started selling a Unicorn Latte back in December and have had a trademark application pending since earlier this year. The drink looks, um, exactly like the Starbucks version, except all the ingredients are healthy-sounding, like dried maca root, cashew, and blue-green algae. Still sounds fucking gross, but at least it’s not going to singlehandedly give you diabetes.

Starbucks, of course, says the lawsuit is dumb—probably because it is. The Ends is claiming that “In addition to having a highly similar name, Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino shares visual similarities to the Unicorn Latte in that both were brightly colored and featured the colors pink and blue prominently.” This has got to be the epitome of hipster Brooklyn shit to not only be like “We did it before it went mainstream,” but to SUE OVER IT. Really, hipsters, you’re gonna sue because someone copied your color scheme? Because really, if we wanna get technical, rose quartz and serenity (aka pink and blue) were Pantone’s colors of the year in 2016. So. Check mate.

.@Starbucks facing legal action from independent over ‘unicorn latte’https://t.co/p7psTWG5Oh#coffee #beverages pic.twitter.com/lOfeKlSEXb

— FoodBev (@FoodBev) May 5, 2017

Starbucks’ lawyers put out a half-assed statement about how the drink was inspired by the “fun, spirited and colorful unicorn-themed food and drink that have been trending in social media.” While they of course don’t say that they took the idea from The End, they’re basically admitting that they got the idea because some intern was scrolling down their Instagram explore page and saw some blue and pink shit. 

While we’re glad we weren’t the only ones who were personally victimized by the Unicorn Frappuccino, this lawsuit seems as unnecessary as the invention of this drink in the first place. We’re pretty sure the Unicorn Frappuccino is already over, so isn’t it a moo point? What is Starbucks gonna do, pay this random-ass coffee shop all the money they earned from the Unicorn Frap? Will they issue a personal apology for the assault on our Instagram feeds, along with a promise to cease and desist all rainbow colored beverages? One can only hope.
 

In case you missed it, Starbucks launched their Unicorn Frappuccino last week, proving to all of us that it was somehow possible for 12-year-old girls to hack the site’s menu portal and create this cup of pure rainbow shit. Also referred to as the “Mountain Dew of coffee”, or “The reason 2017 is turning out to be worse than 2016”, this drink is literally the reason Americans are stupid and morbidly obese.

As we picked up our venti cold brew and judged everyone ordering the latest Lisa Frank-inspired concoction, we started to think about our own Starbucks orders. Like, we wouldn’t be caught dead ordering a frappuccino, but what if we want something other than a black coffee with a Splenda and a splash of Skim? How fat would we get? After doing some research, we came up with some ideas for ordering delicious shit from Starbucks without gaining weight. Here are some rules to follow:

1. Think Ahead

First of all, if you’re a Starbs rookie, there are a couple things you should know. If you don’t specify exactly what you want, you’re fucked. Don’t order a latte assuming they’ll use skim milk or soy. They’re using 2%, and the calories will start adding up REAL quick. Also, if you’re ordering an iced tea and don’t specify that you want it unsweetened, they’ll sweeten it with the full-sugar classic syrup, and trust me, you don’t want to be consuming that.

2. If You Must Get Syrup, Opt For Sugar-Free

The next thing you should know is that if you’re dying for some sweet AF flavor in your drink, the only syrups that come in sugar-free versions are the mocha, vanilla, and cinnamon dolce. So, if you’re ordering a skinny caramel latte thinking you’re being healthy, they’re putting the real caramel syrup in, and probably adding more than the nutritional info accounts for. Basically, you’re playing yourself.

3. Customize Your Drink (Without Being Annoying)

Now that we have the basics down, it’s time to get creative. If you think about it, the Starbucks menu is just a bunch of combinations of syrups, espresso shots, and milk, so it’s easy to customize a drink that has basically no cals with tons of ingredients. If the barista looks confused when you order something that’s not on the menu, just make it seem like you order it everyday and have never had a problem. You’ll be surprised how flexible she’ll be when you have 12 angry people in line behind you who haven’t had caffeine yet.

4. Three Words: Iced Skinny Latte

If you’re a frappuccino addict (what are you, 12?) the typical health hack of Starbucks is to switch your ice cream concoction to the iced skinny latte. If you’re into flavors, choose from sugar-free vanilla, mocha, or cinnamon dolce, and if you’re legit dying for white chocolate for some reason, ask for half a pump AT MOST. That shit is sweet enough with just a drop, so you’ll be fine. The iced skinny latte is made with a shot of espresso, skim milk, and the syrup you ask for, and the whole drink is like 80 calories. Maybe 100 for a grande. You can also ask for coconut milk or soy if you’re dairy-free, and the cals are basically the same. If you want something a little sweeter, get the tall iced skinny macchiato, which is also less than 100 calories. They don’t add as much caramel drizzle as they do on a regular, but once again, you’re an adult and you’ll be okay without the mountain of sticky caramel on your morning coffee.

5. Swap Out Your Cappuccino

If you’re one of those girls who went abroad a few years ago still needs to start every morning with a hot cappuccino with extra foam, try getting the Americano Misto instead. It’s a hot drink that’s basically just espresso shots, water filled up halfway, and steamed milk on top. AKA it’s not all steamed milk aka slightly less fattening.

6. Stay Away From The Fancy Fake Coffee Drinks

If you want to order a drink that’s not coffee, skip the diabetes bombs like the vanilla bean frap or strawberries and cream, and instead get a tall passion iced tea with soy milk. The whole drink is about 70 calories, and tastes like a creamy fruit drink. It might not taste like a double chocolate DQ blizzard, but then again it’s 2pm on a Wednesday and you’re sober. You’ll take the iced tea.

So there you have it. There’s a lot you can order at Starbucks if you’re willing to get creative and get a couple weird stares from people in line. Just promise us, for God’s sake, that you won’t add whipped cream, because there’s literally nothing we can help you with there. You can try Sears.

Starbucks just launched a new drink today called the Unicorn Frappuccino, and it’s basically the Mountain Dew of coffee. I mean, even more so than the Frappuccino already is, because that’s barely coffee TBH. It’s more like a coffee-based method for 14-year-old betches-in-training to ingest 500 calories of pure sugar. And in case you were wondering exactly how extra this drink truly is, here’s the description from Starbucks: “Like its mythical namesake, the Unicorn Frappuccino blended crème comes with a bit of magic, starting as a purple beverage with swirls of blue and a first taste that is sweet and fruity.” Ughhh. Excuse me, I think I just rolled my eyes so hard I need some OJ to help with the comedown.

First of all, it just doesn’t seem that hard for a drink to change from pink to purple. Mermaid Barbie pioneered that technology in like, 1995 to make our bathtimes more magical—so sorry Starbucks, but I am not impressed. Second of all, and most importantly, this sounds disgusting. Like drinking a glass of liquid Nerds. 

The monstrosity drink is only available from April 19-23, or at least that’s what Starbucks is claiming, though just like when your man says the Insta model whose photos he keeps liking is “his friend from high school,” we’re a little suspicious. Much like an actual unicorn, we hope this drink also disappears and goes extinct (Unicorns went extinct, right?). Starbucks wanted to get in on the rainbow trend because apparently the key to getting kids to buy your shit is to make it look like a Kesha music video. We’ve already talked about why the rainbow trend is basic, and this drink is no different. I’m sorry to all the boring nice girls out there who think buying colorful shit makes them interesting, but liking mermaids and unicorns and shit as an adult is not a personality. It is a disorder. Seek help. 

So like, WTF is actually in this drink? According to the ingredients page on Starbucks’ site, there’s Mango syrup, Blue Drizzle, Pink Powder, Sour Blue Powder, and Whipped Cream. The blue drizzle is made of “Condensed Skim Milk, Coconut Oil, Cocoa Butter, Natural Flavor, Salt, Potassium Sorbate, and Monoglycerides” so basically neither fruit nor coffee. Let’s be real though, nobody’s buying this for the taste. This is strictly an #eatingfortheinsta situation. 

Bottom line, people who like this drink probably liked the movie Suicide Squad and dressed up as Harley Quinn for Halloween. The only thing that could save us here is if this is all one big Banksy prank about capitalism, or at the very least a Dumb Starbucks situation. If we really think about it, this is probably our fault in some way. We all used the rainbow Snapchat filters, and now Starbucks is just giving us the Frappuccino version of that. You know what they say, one great Snap Story halfway across the world can have huge affects here at home. They call that shit The Unicorn Effect. 

Like most betches, I spend approximately half of my paycheck on Starbucks every month. I mean, I don’t have the exact numbers because budgets are for accountants and people without online shopping addictions, but the point is that coffee is the lifeblood coursing through my veins. Luckily for everyone else who can’t get through the afternoon without a triple caramel macchiato, coffee is good for you personally, even if it’s terrible for your bank account. Let me count the ways.

1. It Reduces Your Risk of Stroke

Full disclosure here: Caffeine has been shown to cause an intense increase in blood pressure right after you drink it, but it goes away pretty quickly. In the long term (aka that thing you can never think about), caffeine is actually thought to reduce your risk of stroke. Back in 2015, a study of more than 82,000 people found that the ones who drank at least one cup of coffee a day (or a fuckton of green tea) were way less likely to have a stroke over the years.

In 2011, a similar study found that women who drank two or more cups each day were less likely to have a stroke, too. So to all the people who give you side-eye when you’re on your fourth cup by 10am can chill way out.

2. It Keeps Your Teeth Healthy

According to research, drinking black coffee might prevent cavities. Obviously (and tragically) this doesn’t apply to the monstrosities from Starbucks we know and love, because if we learned anything in elementary school it’s that sugar = cavities. But if you can choke down black coffee, you’re actually doing your teeth a favor health-wise. Just buy a lifetime supply of whitening strips while you’re at it, because just because your teeth are health doesn’t mean they’re not stained AF.

3.  It Has A Bunch of Antioxidants

You might associate antioxidants with disgusting healthy foods you pretend to love like pomegranates or something, but coffee is actually one of the biggest sources of antioxidants in our diets. The main antioxidant coffee provides is chlorogenic acid, but there are a bunch of others floating around in your cup of joe. The jury is still out on whether that actually means anything, but at least you’ll feel healthy as shit and won’t have to spend like, $1K on an acai bowl to do so.

4. It Prevents Depression

Approximately a bajillion studies have shown that coffee is linked to a lower risk for depression, especially in women. This probably has to do with caffeine’s stimulatory effects—it encourages your brain to release dopamine, just like all the fun drugs but in lower doses. Coffee doesn’t cure depression (duh), but in Trump’s America, even just a lowered risk is pretty solid.

5. It Lowers Risk For Parkinson’s Disease

Parkinson’s disease is super scary—just ask Michael J Fox. Like, it’s one of those disease you can spend hours on WebMD convincing yourself you have and get all the way through making a ZocDoc appointment before your boyfriend reminds you that you’re just high. Well, next time you go down one of these rabbit holes, remind your anxiety brain that coffee might protect against Parkinson’s and control symptoms in people who already have it. In 2012, a study found that caffeine helped people with Parkinson’s control their movements, and a few other studies over the years have found that people who drink coffee every day are less likely to get the disease.

6. It Makes You More Alert

ICYMI because you’re one of those hipsters who drinks coffee “for the taste,” coffee quickly makes you more alert and reduces fatigue, which is why we all need it before dealing with work/people/the world in general on Monday morning. It can also mess with your sleep patterns, but that’s a small price to pay for it quelling all your homicidal tendencies.

7. It Reduces Skin Cancer Risk

Bad news: If you were like literally everyone else in the mid-2000s and used tanning beds as a teenager, you should watch out for skin cancer. Good news: Coffee drinking might be linked to a reduced risk for melanoma. Back to bad news: There have only been a few studies about it, so you still have to wear sunscreen on spring break.

8. You Turn Into A Monster At The Gym

Next time someone is inexplicably annoyed when you roll up to Pilates with Starbucks in hand, kindly refer them to the fuckton of research showing that caffeine boosts workout performance. Apparently, caffeine’s stimulation helps you work out harder, and all that dopamine makes the misery less miserable. Plus, people eat fewer calories when they drink caffeine before and after a workout, which is the literal opposite of what happens when I hit the gym.

9. You Literally Live Longer

Research shows that people who drink coffee every day tend to live longer. Better yet, the last study on the subject back in 2015 found that moderate coffee drinkers—the people who have three to five cups a day—were the ones that lived longest, even compared to people who had just one or two cups. I’d like to note that if three to five cups PER DAY is considered “moderate” coffee consumption, I don’t want to meet the “heavy” consumers. But regardless, there’s your excuse to order an extra shot in your latte from today until you kick the bucket several centuries from now.

In conclusion: To all the smug tea drinkers out there, kindly STFU about the perils of coffee and feel free to take every seat.