The ‘Barbie’ Movie Is Too Over-Hyped

In case you haven’t heard, there’s a live-action Barbie movie in the works featuring Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling. I’m kidding! Of course, you’ve heard—it’s only been absolutely everywhere for the last several weeks.

The film isn’t being released until next summer, but it’s already primed to be a blockbuster hit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond excited about Barbie. Like every other millennial woman on the planet, I’ll be spending July 21, 2023 squarely in the theater, reveling in all the pink and sparkly nostalgia on screen. After all, I did play with barbie dolls well past the age it was considered socially appropriate. But, with so much public anticipation, are we actually setting the movie up for failure?

The optimist in me wants to say ‘No! Of course not!’

Sure, the famed doll has had its fair share of controversy over the years. Remember when Mattel decided ‘Oreo Barbie’ was a good idea? And not long after that PR disaster, they introduced ‘Mexican Barbie,’ which came with a traditional chiapaneco dress, passport, and chihuahua. Or how about the fact that Barbie’s extremely unrealistic physical proportions work to promote an unhealthy body image in girls? If she were a real woman, her BMI would be so low that she likely wouldn’t be able to menstruate (I guess that explains why we’ve never seen a ‘Period Barbie.’)  

Seeing as Barbie is being brought to life by Greta Gerwig, the Oscar-nominated filmmaker behind Little Women and Lady Bird, I think we can safely assume that this Barbie won’t be nearly as problematic. Gerwig, who co-wrote the screenplay with Marriage Story director Noah Baumbach, is known for her progressive and feminist approach to storytelling.  

On top of that, Barbie boasts one hell of an all-star cast. I mean, Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling were practically born to play Barbie and Ken. Just look at all the photos of them on-set! Rollerblading through the beach in bright neon, 80’s-style workout gear. Or strolling down the street in matching his-and-hers cowboy outfits.

Lest you start to worry about this stereotypical blonde, blue-eyed depiction, though, other, more diverse versions of Ken and Barbie will appear in the film. So far, that includes Simu Liu, Ncuti Gatwa, Issa Rae, and Hari Nef. America Ferrera, Kate McKinnon, and Will Ferrell are also on the cast list, but so far, it’s not entirely clear what their roles will be.

And that is one of the biggest issues with the constant hype surrounding Barbie—for all the on-set photos and publicity being generated, we still don’t actually know what the movie is about. On IMBD, it’s described as “a live-action film based on the popular ‘Barbie’ franchise.” Which tells us exactly nothing. Elsewhere, the plot is said to center around a Barbie doll who leaves ‘Barbieland’ and enters the real world. Details which are only slightly more insightful and bring to mind images of Tyra Banks in Life Size.  

Other than that, no one really knows what to expect with Barbie. Having a screenplay by Gerwig and Baumbach, I’d be tempted to categorize it as some sort of heartbreaking and tender drama. (And, yes, I know that Marriage Story is technically billed as a Comedy/Drama/Romance, but I failed to see any comedic or romantic undertones in that one.) But a leaked on-set video of Ryan Gosling’s hilariously high-pitched Ken-doll scream would suggest a more satirical take.    

While either of those options sounds promising, the fact that people are so excited about it already is risky. Right now, the expectations for Barbie are sky-high, and it could easily fail to live up to all this hype. Every other day we’re getting tiny morsels of Barbie intel. And while I for one love knowing that all female Barbies got together for a slumber party, I do think they could stand to scale it back just a smidge.

Remember what happened with Suicide Squad? Constant stories about Jared Leto’s method acting on-set and an A-list ensemble cast couldn’t stop it from being an absolute critical and box-office flop. Compare that to films like Get Out and This Is The End. Both were unexpectedly amazing, in part because they weren’t expected. We weren’t bombarded with insider information and on-set photos to obsess over for a year prior to the release.

Barbie has the potential to be the next Lego Movie. It also has the potential to be the next Indiana Jones 4. And while I, too, love the photos of Ryan Gosling with bleached hair and hot pink shorts, I think seeing him decked out as Ken will be better on the big screen.

Image: MEGA/GC Images via Getty Images

An Honest Recap Of ‘Holidate’

It’s after Halloween, and according to some people, it’s practically Christmas. Which is how I found myself on Friday night, pressing play on Netflix’s new holiday movie, Holidate. For those who don’t know me, sh*tting on holiday movies is kind of my thing. I’ve done it with The Princess Switch (and don’t worry, barring a civil war I’ll be back for Princess Switch 2), and The Holiday. There’s just something about the premise that one can find love over the holidays that really gets me going in a bad way. Probably because the holidays are usually the time when (for casual daters) you are actually most likely to get ghosted or dumped. It’s just unrealistic, and yes I am bitter. So I thought I would give an honest recap of Holidate. Let’s go.

We open with Emma Roberts smoking a cigarette, muttering “f*cking holidays” (relatable), and putting out said cigarette on a plastic Santa statue. She’s shown up to Christmas dinner in a red hoodie and pigtails, to which her mom remarks “can’t you put on a dress?”. My family doesn’t even change out of sweatpants for holidays hosted in our own home, so no.

We learn Emma broke up with a suitor six months ago, and her mom and aunt are already hounding her about how it’s time to “get back out there.” Yeah, my last relationship ended five years ago, so. Yeah. I would not do well with these people.

More realistically, Emma’s mom thinks her working remotely means she sits around the house all day in sweatpants. That’s also what my mom thinks I do for a living. She is not wrong.

Equally overbearing are Emma’s brother and his girlfriend: the former remarks “it’s not a holiday unless my sister shows up alone.” And I’ve got to wonder what weird pressure this family places on having significant others, and what kind of trauma led them all to derive their self-worth from their relationship status…

It’s two minutes in and I’m already wayyy overthinking this movie.

And then we see Kristin Chenoweth as the drunk aunt roll up with some random Mall Santa, and it all makes sense. She explains to Emma that she’s not really into this guy, it’s just a “holidate”: “you know, someone you bring home for the holidays.” And thus, the premise of the movie is born.

Over on the other side of Chicago, we have Jackson, some hot guy who kind of looks like a lost Hemsworth brother, getting introduced to a couple that’s basically the Flanderses in the flesh. These people live and breathe Christmas and put their decorations up before Halloween, you can just tell. Jackson is clearly just f*cking the poor girl who brought him home for Christmas to meet her parents. And they say I’m sabotaging by having guys meet my friends on the second date.

And back at Emma Roberts’ house, even her 6-year-old cousin has a boyfriend in kindergarten who brings her juice boxes. Everyone is taken but me, it seems! At least I’m in good company with Emma Roberts. This first grader asks Emma why she didn’t bring anyone, either. What is wrong with this family?? This is not the type of attachment style you should be modeling to your children!

And it appears Jackson has fallen into the classic male trap of believing a girl when she says we’re not doing presents that year. This girl is basically just Isla Fisher’s character in the Wedding Crashers because she says, in front of her parents, “oh, so you know me well enough to come in my mouth but not get me a Christmas present?”  I cringed into myself.

Holidate

And back at Emma’s, the brother proposes to his girlfriend of three months. (Honestly, I’ve seen crazier sh*t in quarantine.) Instead of saying “congratulations!” this family’s first response is “two down, one to go!” 

So that’s the universe we’re working with: two cynics who are equal yet opposite products of their insane environments.

Emma and our bootleg Hemsworth meet at a store, where Jackson is returning a pair of pants, taking forever, and Emma is returning plaid pajamas—both Christmas presents gone wrong. The store is only offering store credit, so the two of them end up bargaining with the girl in line behind them, who pays in cash for a bunch of off-season items with no retail value. I have never once spoken to a person in line in front of or behind me, let alone played “let’s make a deal”.

This is all happening at the mall (tbt to malls), and who do we see at the mall? The Santa holidate. A lightbulb goes off in Jackson’s head: he needs a holidate for New Year’s Eve because he’s “sick of casually dating” because he’s “always the asshole.” Meanwhile, Emma needs one because her family is really f*cking annoying. 

Okay, as a single woman living in NYC, only one of these problems is actually real, and it’s obviously not “woe is me, I don’t want to casually date, not because I want a relationship, but because I’m sick of dumping women left and right when they get too attached!” F*ck all the way off with your Gretchen Weiners bullsh*t.

So they make a pact to be each other’s Holidate for New Year’s Eve. Already this movie has lost me, because NYE is not a family-oriented affair. In fact, it’s kind of a single’s holiday. I feel like most of the NYE marketing is geared towards people cramming in an overpriced club with the hopes of drunkenly making out with a stranger on midnight. This movie should have started at Thanksgiving, then it would kind of make sense.

It’s at this point, 13 minutes in, that we learn Emma Roberts’ character’s name is Sloane. Eh, I’m gonna call her Emma.

The NYE party actually looks fun. Hemsworth makes a point to tell Emma that her tits look phenomenal in her dress, and she loves the way the dress hugs her ass. He’s like, “this is perfect because I can be a total chauvinistic douchebag without worrying you’ll get mad” and Emma is like “and I can wear this dress without worrying I’m gonna get slut-shamed.” Again, only one of these problems is real. Instead of being worried that women won’t respond well to you being a sexist asshole, you could try just… not being a sexist asshole.

Oh, and now we’ve made it to the “let’s sh*t talk rom-coms as we star in a rom-com, how edgy and meta are we” portion of the movie. They bond over how hot Ryan Gosling is and how no woman would ever pass up the chance to be with him—which they think makes them contrarian and cool but I’m pretty sure is the entire plot of The Notebook? 

In the bathroom, Emma runs into a group of crying girls (also relatable). The one in white is sobbing because something (red wine?) got spilled on her white dress and it looks like a full-on crime scene. This woman is sobbing because she knows her fiancé is about to propose, but he won’t do that now that her dress is ruined (what?) and “my dream was to be proposed to on New Year’s Eve.” Like, why? You have to share your anniversary date with the Earth? Get a better dream.

After Emma switches dresses with Carrie over there, she goes on the dance floor with Jackson, where “I Had The Time Of My Life” suddenly plays. Miraculously, this packed dance floor parts like the red sea so they can do the Dirty Dancing lift. Like, ok. Club crowds don’t even move out of the way for medics, but sure, they’ll make way for two random people to do a choreographed dance.

Holidate

We end the night with Jackson giving Emma a chaste kiss on the cheek, and she could not look more repulsed. Ugh, hot people problems. The whole premise thus far is that these two are not attracted to each other—and in fact, that they are sort of disgusted by each other—which is patently ridiculous. They are two objectively attractive people. Like, even if Ryan Gosling isn’t your cup of tea, you can’t call the man ugly.

I refuse to believe that the guy in the Holidate is not attracted to Emma Roberts sorry can’t fool me

— sami fishbein sage (@samifish1) October 30, 2020

Cut to: Valentine’s Day, where Emma doesn’t have a date and everyone else in her family is in disbelief. Again.

At the mall (why does this whole movie take place at the mall), Emma runs into her ex, who is obnoxiously hipster and also French. Ew. He’s basically dating a slightly different-looking variation of Emma Roberts, who they try to pass off as a much younger version but you can tell is basically the same age. 

Jackson (who also happens to be at the mall, because nobody else has anywhere better to be in all of Chicago) spots this scene and comes to the rescue, and pretends to be Emma’s bf.

As a thank you for this heroic feat, she gives him a hand job in the mall parking lot. So, that’s Valentine’s Day. Actually looked a lot like mine, minus the mall.

So the next holidate is St. Patrick’s Day—ah, yes, the extremely couples-focused holiday of St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, I know firsthand how difficult it is to be single on this day, whose main focus (in the U.S., don’t come for me) is to get wasted off beer. Yes, this of all days is the one I feel most alone.

Emma’s whole family shows up to the bar to once again berate her for being single in between chugs of beer. Reason #24235 this family is f*cked up. We learn that Emma’s brother knows Jackson because he’s been taking golf lessons from him for a year (Jackson is allegedly a “golf pro” for a living, whatever that means, though we never see him golf). 

Cut to: Easter, which Emma’s mom has used as another occasion to try to set her daughter up. This time, with their new neighbor (who is also a doctor). But mom, I already told you I’m here with my platonic hot fake date!!! Eh, I’ve had my mom try to set me up with worse people. Kristin Chenoweth shows up dressed like a playboy bunny. And suddenly, I have an answer to the question “where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

Holidate

So now we get to the trauma portion: apparently Jackson got his heart broken once and that’s why he is the way he is (eye roll). He dated a girl who pretended to like a lot of his hobbies and then one day she completely ghosted and moved out. I honestly don’t feel like we’re getting the whole story here. Like sure, he thinks she up and left out of the blue one day, but if you asked her I bet she’d be like “yeah he was more into his reflection than me and never hung out with me on the weekends because he was always playing golf and every time I brought it up he shrugged it off and my name wasn’t on the lease of the apartment so I just bounced.”

The next holidate is Cinco de Mayo. Again, you don’t have dates for this holiday. You have drinking buddies. 

After many tequila shots, Emma wakes up on Jackson’s floor in just her bra and underwear. Finally, realistic representation in Hollywood. She’s wearing his underwear, which in no way makes sense because she’s two pounds and he’s a whole man with hips. In any case, neither of them can remember if they hooked up. 

Next up is Mother’s Day, and this family has a whole f*cking Parisian inspired brunch like we’re in that one scene from Bridesmaids. This family does way too much. What do these people do for a living?

Fourth of July time! I understand that if these holidates only happened on the actual holidays that required dates, then Emma and Jackson would be fake-dating for like, six years, but come on. Also, why don’t these people have any actual friends? Jackson has literally one friend, and Emma has zero, evidenced by the fact that she spends all drinking-focused holidays with her family.

Meanwhile, Kristin Chenoweth’s dates keep getting more and more gross because she has some insane rule about only using her holidates one time. At that rate, pyramid schemes have taken a longer time to collapse. 

Jackson blows his finger off while setting off fireworks, and everyone else is too wasted to drive to the hospital, so Emma is charged with driving him. I’ve seen characters in Simpsons Road Rage drive better than this bitch, who treats other cars, trees, etc. as if they are parts in a pinball machine. When they somehow make it to the hospital room in one piece, she smokes a joint in the hospital room and they miraculously doesn’t get kicked out. 

And guess who’s the doctor charged with reattaching the finger? The neighbor, who is a doctor! Sloane is high so Hot Doctor thinks she’s hitting on him. Guess he has no sense of smell. He also looks like he’s 18. No way this guy went through med school.

Back at home with his finger intact again, Jackson’s like “thanks for taking care of me” and Emma is like “holidate rule #3: leave no date behind.” As far as we know there has been no rule 1 or 2.

I guess it was something about the thrill of almost losing a digit and getting really high and making finger puns that made these two realize they love each other. 

Jackson is going to be a Holidate for the brother’s wedding, which conveniently falls on Labor Day. So apparently Jackson scored his own independent invite, and this big idiot is like, “so we’ll both bring our own dates, right?” 

Cut to the wedding, where the groom is giving a speech? Don’t feel like that’s a thing. Emma brought Hot Doctor and Jackson brought Kristin Chenoweth, and I’m not sure why she wasn’t already invited given she’s like, their aunt, right? Even weirder, Sloane appears to be jealous of her cracked-out aunt, because when she looks over mid-reception, Kristin is fellating Jackson’s finger (yea that finger). In any normal universe, that scene would provoke revulsion and not jealousy. But ok. 

At the bar, they get into a fight because Sloane brought a date and Jackson might f*ck Sloane’s crazy aunt. One of these things is not like the other. In a huff, they call off the holidate arrangement. Then, the bride dances with her dad to “I’ll Make Love To You.” Yikes. I thought this was set in Chicago, not Alabama.

Cut to, crazy aunt grinding on the Hot Doctor. In a spinning accident gone wrong (yea I know), Kristen falls and sprains her ankle, so Hot Doctor rushes to her rescue and whisks her away. Meaning the Holidate arrangement is back on! And this time, it’s Halloween. This is a stretch but given that couples costumes are very much a thing, it’s a lot more believable than shoehorning in St. Patrick’s Day.

Turns out Sloane’s ex is invited to this party with his girlfriend in tow, and she’s 9 months pregnant. She’s at a party because she’s like, “I told you, this baby isn’t going to change our lives!” This is honestly just one of many plot points that did not need to make it into the final cut.

This realization for some reason has broken Emma, who realizes that her ex and his gf conceived on Valentine’s Day but she herself didn’t even have sex on Valentine’s Day. Very weird comparison, considering two of these people are in a relationship, where sex is mostly guaranteed, and one is single. She’s beside herself crying over how embarrassing it is for her—but like, I fail to see how this reflects poorly on her. If anything she dodged a bullet by not getting knocked up by this French douchebag? Feels like we’re at a point in the script writing process where the writers just got drunk and thought all their ideas were genius.

Also somehow somebody spiked Emma’s drinks with laxatives, which causes her to race to the bathroom. Again, I do feel like this is another plotline that could have been removed in editing because it makes no f*cking sense, but at least we get a sweet moment where, after Emma has shat her brains out, Jackson helps her shower. Right, because if a guy didn’t think you were hot on NYE when you were in your best “f*ck me” dress, he’s really going to think you’re hot after he’s washed your own sh*t off you. Now I know what I’ve been doing wrong! From now on, all my dates are going to take place at Taco Bell.

DOUBLY SO because the next morning is when Emma and Jackson finally bang. Cool, the Chipotle workers are going to LOVE me.

These psychopaths wake up the next morning feet to head, not sleeping side-by-side. Anyone else notice that??

The next morning, Sloane’s sister is knocking furiously because she kissed Jackson’s friend (who I have failed to really mention until this point because he honestly served no purpose other than the occasional sassy one-liner). Anyway, the sister is distraught because she is married with kids.

So then it becomes this weird scene where the sister and Jackson are both like, “I should go… no I should go…”

the office guns

And it ends with Emma being like “no Jackson, you should go.” Now, this has Jackson f*cked up because he has never in his life not been pressured by a girl to have brunch the morning after they have sex. Omg your life must be sooooo hard with women getting attached to you left and right!

Just as out of his f*cking mind is the friend, who’s insisting he and the sister (whose name I am just now learning is Abby) “had a connection”. All this movie is teaching me is that the secret to getting hot guys to like me is to openly reject them a few times and make them question their self-worth.

We’re back to Thanksgiving, and Kristin Chenoweth did not bring Hot Doctor because she’s a “one and done” type bitch. Honestly, I respect it. 

Emma has to run out to get some sh*t because her mom burned Thanksgiving dinner. She and Jackson are in the grocery store (why do these two do everything in a f*cking store) when Jackson full-on confesses his love for Emma. And she DGAF! What the actual f*ck is this movie.

Jackson: You’re trying so hard not to feel anything that you’re an asshole.

And now we’ve come obnoxiously full-circle, with Jackson doing a full recall about their whole little quip about Ryan Gosling that they had on New Year’s Eve that isn’t even that good of a metaphor to begin with.

Back at the house, the table is suddenly split in two? I feel like Tim Gunn because I’m yelling at my TV for these people to EDIT.

Well, this is a sh*t show. Emma’s sister sh*ts on her for her personal life always being a mess (wouldn’t be a mess if y’all weren’t so weirdly up in her business about it, but ok). Emma blurts out that at least she didn’t kiss the Black Panther (Jackson’s friend). The husband overhears because he’s walked in right at that moment, and Kristin Chenoweth’s holidate has a heart attack.

And GUESS WHO is the attending physician for this heart attack? That’s right, hot doctor! Apparently, there is only one doctor in all of Chicago! 

In any case, Kristin Chenoweth apologizes to Hot Doctor and says she just got scared, and confesses her love for him. He says I love you back, and they make out in the waiting room. Of the ER. Excuse me, this man is the only ER physician in all of Chicago, his time is precious! This is not the time for this!

Christmas time again, and we’re—you guessed it—back at the mall! Where all the girls of the family are shopping, and who’s there? Obviously, Jackson! Because there are no other stores in the entire city. Yeah. They should have set this movie in like, Milwaukee. Then it would have been understandable.

Anyway, Emma’s family turns to her and is basically like, “go get him” so she chases him through the crowded mall. She ends up on stage with a gospel choir (can’t even get into that), and after the choir sings JACKSONNNN to get his attention, the whole mall falls silent. Sure, just like the whole dance floor would part on NYE for two randos to have a dance routine. I’ll take “things that would never happen” for $1,000, Alex.

Emma grabs the mic and confesses her feelings and says she—say it with me now—messed it up because she was scared.

This speech feels less of a love confession and more of a custody agreement: I want you on all holidays, and weekends! And weekdays too! And nights!

After a fake-out (you slick bastard), Jackson obviously rushes to her and they make out in the mall. And all is well! And everything is great! The end.

So what I’ve learned from this movie is:

-I am truly blessed that my dad only asks why I’m single every few months

-Men will fall in love with you if you ignore them (tbh this tracks with what I’ve experienced so far)

-The best way to get a date is to lose your sh*t (literally)

-It’s a good idea to get marry someone you’ve only known for three months (seriously, I couldn’t believe that this subplot with the brother didn’t end in divorce considering the writers spent half the movie underscoring how little these two knew each other… but again, ok)

Overall, I actually didn’t hate this movie. It was stupid, but it was obviously supposed to be stupid. Could it have been about a half hour shorter? Yes. Did any of it make sense? Like, some of it, but not all. But it was entertaining and didn’t take itself too seriously, and that’s all I can really ask for in a rom-com anyway. I’m not here to learn groundbreaking truths about the power of love—I’d much prefer a hand job in a mall parking lot. With that said, I am now accepting applications for my 2020 holiday date. Happy holidays!

Images: Steve Dietl/NETFLIX; Giphy (2); samifish1 / Twitter

The Saddest Celebrity Breakups Of All Time

There’s nothing quite like getting far too invested in a celebrity relationship, am I right? The unadulterated joy you get from projecting your fantasies onto total and complete strangers. The inexplicable rush upon seeing photos of them on a red carpet, looking better than you probably will in your whole life. The perverse satisfaction derived from “insider news” from “trusted sources” that definitely wasn’t planted by either of their publicists. It’s one of the simple, incredibly invasive pleasures of living in the 21st century.

But as the saying goes: celebrities, they’re just like us! Which means their relationships fail, even though we swore this time they wouldn’t. Except what’s different here is that the entire world watches and interjects their unwarranted opinions into what is already a horrifying and traumatic period of two people’s lives. Remember that time, in a blissful era where he wasn’t the leader of the free world, that Donald Trump tweeted (repeatedly) about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s breakup? Imagine that, but coming from every mother with a Facebook account across the entire world.

While many celeb breakups are expected, pre-ordained from the moment that first paparazzi photo hits TMZ, there are a handful of splits that managed to send shockwaves around the world, that seemed to rock the very foundation upon which the notion of love so perilously rests. These are their stories.

Vanessa Hudgens And Zac Efron

Listen. I know some of you don’t care about this couple at all and to that I have one thing to say: you’re wrong. Zanessa kicks off our list because, at the tender age of 14, I sat directly behind them on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and nearly burst into tears afterwards, so believe me when I say my world was rocked by this breakup.

Some of you weren’t in the midst of your painful and pivotal middle school years when High School Musical dropped—meaning your mid-pubescent romantic renaissance wasn’t awoken by the young love between Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez—and it SHOWS.

Zanessa were the embodiment of young Hollywood from approximately 2005–2010. They were simultaneously everything we wanted to be and everything we could never have. To this day I couldn’t tell you which one I was actually more jealous of, but just that I still think back on them fondly, quietly hoping that they do the same of each other.

Rachel McAdams And Ryan Gosling

Listen: God doesn’t give with two hands. You don’t get to look like Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling and then end up with Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling. You don’t get to play one of the most essential romantic couples of the 21st century and then live happily ever after together, okay?? That notion, while comforting for the rest of us, doesn’t make this breakup any less sad.

What did, however, make it almost unbearable was knowing that this kind of passion existed in the world and now no longer does. As if we needed one more reminder that nothing good can last forever.

That video looks like it was filmed on a flip phone in the pre-historic era, and that’s because it probably was, but it doesn’t even matter! No amount of terrible camera quality can dampen the raw passion of this scene. Please indulge me for a moment as we all take a stroll down memory lane to the 2005 VMAs.

The award was “Best Kiss” and the competition was nonexistent. The era was peak The Notebook fever, a time when we all actually waxed poetic about Alzheimer’s. This sequence, so choreographed, so perfect, so effortless in its ability to remind us that we are mere mortals existing at the leisure of an indifferent God, will live in infamy.

The “come hither” finger gesture? The effortless lift? The goofy smile on her face afterwards? The casual way Ryan Gosling strolls to the podium with Rachel McAdams resting on his hip like a basket of freshly washed laundry? Unparalleled, all of it. I don’t care if the rest of their relationship was utter garbage; it was all worth it for this sacred moment in pop culture history.

Will Arnett And Amy Poehler

You know how every time any notable celebrity couple breaks up and every single person in the universe takes to Twitter to say the exact same thing: love is dead!!!! Amy and Will were that first couple for me.

These two were a beacon of hope in my early-adolescence, a North star by which I could guide my own life. You see, Will and Amy instilled in me the (wildly naïve) belief that one day, I too could marry a man just as funny as I, and then we could live the rest of our lives together being funnier than everyone else. What can I say? I was young. I was innocent. I was still under the incredibly mistaken impression that Will Arnett was as funny as Amy Poehler.

Regardless, the end of Will and Amy was the end of an era, one in which we all breathed a little lighter and dreamed a little higher. At least we have their adorable, inexplicably red-haired children to remember them by.

Jennifer Aniston And Brad Pitt

This breakup wasn’t sad so much for the end of the relationship itself, but more so because of what it created. The end of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt kicked off a decade long, unnecessarily cruel Spinster Hunt, targeted at a woman who deserved not one bit of it, instead of the man who cheated on her. Weird, right? Almost like double standards exist or something.

You want to talk about life being unfair? Let’s talk about Jennifer Aniston. I mean, sure, she gets to look like Jennifer Aniston. But I think she earned those arms and the rest of that age-proof body after going through what she did.

First, her husband cheats on her with Angelina Jolie, another woman so inhumanely beautiful that it breaks my brain to imagine them existing on the same plane of existence. Then the two suffer a public, nasty divorce, during which constant media coverage compares and contrasts two women who have no business being pitted against one another.

From then on out, no matter the circumstance, Jennifer will be harassed throughout every relationship she pursues. If she’s happy and thriving, it’s a countdown to the inevitable doom. If it ends, for any reason whatsoever, headlines everywhere read “Will Jennifer Ever Find Love Again?” or “Jennifer Alone Forever.”  The woman can’t win.

And now, nearly 14 years later, the rumors have started up again! Will they? Won’t they? What does Angelina think? What kind of woman takes back a cheating husband? How much more money can we squeeze out of this tired story?

Leave Jennifer alone! Let her live! Let her f*ck her stupid hot ex if she wants to! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!

John Krasinski And Emily Blunt 

JUST KIDDING! But please take this as my formal notice that, in the event of this ever happening, I will be shipping myself to the convent that Katy Perry keeps trying to steal from those nuns.

Images: Giphy (5)

Celebrities Who Secretly Hate Each Other

It’s hard to keep up with all the celebrity news these days. There are countless feuds between singers who hate each other that we are all aware of (hi Cardi B and Nicki Minaj). But there are some celebrities who hate each other that do so in a more tasteful private manner. Ever think actors really aren’t that good at their job? Well, there are a bunch of co-stars who can’t stand one another and you’ll be shocked when you find out. I apologize in advance for possibly ruining your favorite movies or shows when you learn about these celebrities who hate each other. Whoops.

1. Rachel McAdams Ryan Gosling

This one broke my heart. Apparently, when they first started filming The Notebook the chemistry was not there. Gosling even asked the director to replace McAdams but instead, the two were forced into a couples therapy session. LOL. This ended up working because their acting in the movie is v compelling and the two even went on to date on and off for four years after filming.

2. Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes

During the filming of Romeo + Juliet, Danes found DiCaprio to be immature and avoided him at all cost when they weren’t in scenes together. DiCaprio was 21 while Danes was 17 at the time. She didn’t like that he would prank others on set, while he reportedly thought she was uptight. I guess it’s true when they say girls mature faster than boys.

3. Mariah Carey and Everyone

Carey has a reputation of being a diva. And the celebrity feuds she is involved in are endless. The list includes Nicki Minaj, J.Lo, Demi Lovato, and probably continues to grow as we speak.

Mariah Carey

4. Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera

This one is rather one-sided. After Osborne said, referring to Aguilera, “Maybe she is just becoming the fat b–ch she was born to be. I don’t know.” Fat shaming is never cool. Although this duo has a long history of snarking comments to one another, Aguilera stayed quiet in this specific instance. Only time will tell if this feud will continue.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall

Ugh. It’s v depressing to know that your fav BFFs on TV are actually part of the list of celebrities who hate each other. That said, Parker and Cattrall have been pretty public about their *lack of* friendship. In February, Cattrall posted to her Instagram (see post here) to call Parker out for being a fake friend and to tell her to leave her alone after her brother’s death. Ouch. Fans, including myself, were devastated to learn about this feud, especially since that meant no third Sex and the City movie.

Sex and the City

Images: Giphy (3)

How The Oscars Best Picture Mistake Happened: Some Theories

The Oscars were last night, but because I have good taste and value my time I instead elected to go see John Wick Chapter 2 before drinking beer and watching a shitload of HGTV.  So imagine my non-surprise to wake up and find out that the auspicious event was marred by SCANDAL. Specifically, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway read the wrong card, mistakenly announcing La La Land as Best Picture, before quickly correcting course and announcing Moonlight as the actual winner.

What In The Steve Harvey Just Happened? Read our Oscars 2017 recap here!

(They also used the wrong picture for a lady who passed away in 2016, which, goddamn guys.)

Of course, along with the expected terrible memes and jokes circulating in response to the gaffe, there’s also an explanation. An explanation we all know to be BULLSHIT, friends. No, Bullworth wasn’t simply handed the wrong card. There’s a conspiracy afoot, and it’s time we got to the bottom of it. Here are some potential explanations for how such a (stupid, inconsequential) monumental fuckup came to pass.

Ryan Gosling Wanted The Spotlight

Ryan Gosling Mean Tweet

Ryan Gosling knows better than anyone that no one gives a shit about him if he’s not sporting that annoying, smug, fake “aw shucks” shit-eating grin of his. But guess what’s been making the rounds all day? That’s right, headline after headline about how Gosling’s reaction to the mixup was “perfect” and “A+.” Fuck you, Mouseketeer. Your attempt to supplant the cast and crew of Moonlight’s moment of glory is both racist AND homophobic. Because I say so.

Steve Harvey Is A Vindictive Motherfucker

Steve Harvey is an inexplicably powerful force in media, despite his main contributions consisting of contrived eye-rolls and dating advice that amounts to “ladies be nice to your men.” The internet was very pleased, then, when he announced the wrong winner of the Miss Universe pageant in 2015. It’s not much of a stretch to assume he used his vast influence to make another presenter feel his pain. Plus he’s a fame whore, and people started putting him in memes again. It’s a barely-kept secret in Hollywood that Steve Harvey is a voracious consumer of memes.

Someone At PricewaterhouseCooper Wants To Fuck Emma Stone

As we all know by now, the whole fuckup ensued when Warren Beatty was handed a copy of Emma Stone’s envelope announcing her victory for Best Actress. If you were some nerd working at PwC and you wanted to passive-aggressively convey your interest in Emma Stone, what better way to do so than to use HER card to stage a coup and get her on stage again? I would have done the same thing, TBH. She’s such a fox!

Steve Bannon

Look, while we know that Steve Bannon has no room in his heart for the Jewish Hollywood Elites, it’s hard to imagine he has any more of a soft spot for The Blacks or The Gays (or The Black Gays, which is kind of a dope band name). Since La La Land is a navel-gazing Hollywood movie ABOUT Hollywood, it would have shocked no one if it won. Is it really that hard to believe that he would use his considerable influence to try to derail the proceedings? I definitely don’t think so.

I think we can all agree that Beyoncé should have won Best Picture anyway, so the whole thing was a sham, if you think about it.

The Best & Worst Dressed At The Oscars, AKA Who Needs To Try Sears

Throwback Thursday: An In-Depth Analysis Of ‘The Notebook’

For the past 10 years there has been one movie synonymous with cheesy love stories and crying while eating Ben & Jerry’s: The Notebook. While I appreciate this movie for its beautiful actors and calming lake visuals, it’s time to explain what’s really going on in the sappiest nice girl film of all time.

The movie opens with about 15 minutes of a scenic sunset lake with birds flying all over the place as old-ass Allie Hamilton stares out the window not knowing what the fuck is going on. Cut to the narration by old Noah who mumbles a bunch of nonsensical inspirational mumbo jumbo that could only be thought out by the likes of literary pussy Nicholas Sparks. “I’ve led a common life. In one respect I’ve succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.” Um, what kind of fucked up message is that to send out to the world, old-ass Noah? How about paying your goddamn bills, you freeloader.

The nurse comes in and introduces Noah as “Duke” saying he’s going to read to her. “Idk about that,” mumbles old-ass ungrateful Allie.

We then get into the story:

Noah is at the fair chilling with E from Entourage when he introduces him to young Allie, who is hot and rich. Score. Noah asks Allie on a date and she’s all like “no I don’t know you” then some other bro with a weird mustache comes over and asks her to “ride the ferris wheel” and she’s outie.

Then this stage 5 clinger jumps on to the ferris wheel in the middle of her and her date. Noah then attempts suicide if Allie doesn’t go out with him because #confidence. Now would be a good time for an Instagram but this is like the 40’s so we’ll let it slide.

Then Allie rescinds her date offer but Noah’s all like “You promised. Here’s the thing about me. When I want something I have to have it.” #confessionsofarapist

Then Noah manipulates Allie into going on a double date where they watch their friends make out at the movies. Then they walk home together and Allie’s all like “I haven’t seen a movie since I was a little kid because I’m mad busy with piano lessons and reading and shit.” Then Noah’s like “wow you’re a huge loser sounds like the road to success.”

Then Noah shows how adventurous he is by lying in the middle of street. Allie’s like, chill bro I know you’re poor but I’m not going to get hit by a car because you called me a loser. Then naturally she does it anyway. Then Allie reveals her deep dark FUN PERSON secret: She likes to paint.

Cut to Noah and Allie falling in love. Romantic bike rides, shoving ice cream in each others mouths, making out in public.

Noah reads his sad book of poems and the two fall deeper in love. They chill at the ocean and Allie forces Noah to say she’s a bird in the first of many mutually emotionally manipulative conversations to come. “If you’re a bird I’m a bird.”

Cut to a black kid dancing and Noah, like Juan Pablo, cuts into show he’s a kid lover.

Allie returns one night from making out with Noah when her mustachioed father is waiting smoking a cigar on the porch (as all 1940’s mustachioed fathers do) and is all like “you been spending a lot of time with this boy I wanna meet him.” And she’s all like “of course daddy.”

Then Noah goes to meet the family and gets all embarrassed by talking about how he works at the lumber yard and makes 40 cents an hour and all the people are quiet thinking like “Who invited the poor guy!? Am I right!? Am I right?!”

Then Allie’s mom’s all like “Allie’s going to Sarah Lawrence in New York.”

Allie’s mom: That child’s got too much spirit for a girl of her circumstance. Trouble is what it is.

Side Note: Nicholas Sparks definitely gets all his dialogue from Hallmark cards and/or googling “unsettling class wars dialogue from the WWII era”

Then Noah brings Allie to some old, gross shack so he can devirginize her. He tells her he’s going to buy it and fix it up but I’m thinking like why do you spend so much time chilling by this old, creepy house?

Noah gets excited that he’s almost going to seal the deal when annoying as fuck Allie is like “I know I said I wanted to do it but I’m thinking a lot. What’re you thinking?” I imagine this is how all fantasy suite dates go. And Noah’s all like “shut the fuck up I’m practically inside.” Then Allie is like HOW COULD YOU NOT BE THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING. And then he gets off of her and tries one last time to get her to put out by being like “uhhh I love you did you know that?” Then E aka cockblock shows up and is like “Allie’s gotta go home because her parents have an inkling she’s DTF.”

Allie’s mom: He’s a nice boy but he’s TRASH

Allie: You’re not gonna tell me who I’m going to love.

Then Noah’s like, I did not sign up for this shit, I’m out I’ll find some other girl to put out if you’re going away. “You’re leaving and I’m staying here and I’m so happy that you’re doing that. You’re gonna have a million things to do. It’s not you it’s me.”

Allie: You can come with me to New York.
Noah: What am I gonna do in New York? All the girls there are fugly.
Allie: Be with me.
Noah: Nahhhs.

Classic bait and switch.

Then Allie starts beating the shit out of him and is all like “if you’re gonna break up with me do it now! DO it!!!! DO IT!!!! I’m gonna do it! It’s over!”

Then Allie solidifies the fact that she’s a fucking manipulative psychopath: Wait a minute we’re not really breaking up right?

Allie tells her housekeeper she doesn’t want her to pack her things or touch her stuff. Her mom’s like “We’re going home early. Seabrook reeks of povos.”

Allie then finds E who tells him Noah is taking a shit out delivering a load.

Allie: I need you to tell Noah that I love him and I’m sorry for everything.
E: I was up all night with him Allie. I’ve never seen him so low. It’s over Allie.
Allie: It’s not over.
E: It is over. He understands. It’s hard and summer’s over if he wants to talk to you he’ll write if not then like fuck off bitch.

Allie: Just tell him that I love him.
E: Aight I don’t think he gives a shit though.

Noah then writes 365 letters for a year and Allie’s mom discards them so she never knows! Did no one think that MAYBE ONCE DURING THE ENTIRE YEAR ALLIE COULD’VE MAYBE GONE TO CHECK THE MAIL HERSELF!? Nah? Alright then.

The Noah and E go to war together and E dies over in Germany or some shit, a plotline that I totally forgot about because like, who gives a shit about E? On that note, why does Noah only have one friend?

Allie then meets hot as fuck James Marsden, nurses him back to health, and he asks her to marry him because Allie is clearly Mary from There’s Something About Mary.

Then she falls in love with rich hot James Marsden.

Noah then gets off the bus (dealbreaker) because he thinks he sees Allie walking down the street. He sees her through a restaurant window hardcore making out with James Marsden (because I’m sure that’s definitely a thing high society people did in the 40s in broad daylight).

Noah then has a mental breakdown and has some sort of deranged idea that if he restored the old house Allie would come back to him. Some called it a labor of love, others called it fucking desperate.” Move on man, it was a summer fling like 6 years ago.

Noah then proves why he’ll always be poor by refusing to sell the house he built for above market price. Side note: I’m both impressed and sort of unnerved by Noah’s knack for interior design.

“In the evenings to temper the sting of loneliness there was Martha Shaw.”

Wow he seriously treats Martha like shit, what a d bag. Maggie then tries to DTR: “What do you want from me Noah? Sometimes when you talk to me you don’t even see me.”

Noah: You know I want to give you all the things that you want but I can’t because they’re gone. They’re broken — THAT MAKES NO SENSE, ASSHOLE.

Since when is it okay to treat one woman like shit because you had a great summer fling 7 years ago? #teammartha

Allie then sees Noah’s picture in the newspaper which I guess is the equivalent to seeing your ex’s facebook status update and immediately faints. #overreacting

The Notebook: The story of 2 self-centered assholes that eventually find each other despite all odds.

Then Allie goes to her fiancé, the hot and PERFECTLY NICE James Marsden, and is all like “I love to paint. You don’t even know me!” and he’s like “okay so paint.” And she’s like “I will. But also, I want to get away and take care of a few things/clear my head/fuck my ex-boyfriend.” And he’s all like “should I be worried are you all right? It’s normal to get cold feed before your wedding.” SAYS THE NICEST MAN EVER And shes all like “no of course not no second thoughts.” LYING WHORE.

So Allie goes to Noah’s house: “I saw your picture in the paper and I wanted to come see if you were okay. So are you okay? I’m a stupid woman I shouldn’t have come.” She then crashes her car into a fence because she’s an idiot and bearded Noah’s like “you wanna come in?”

We then cut back to old Noah and Allie, and Noah goes to the doctor and he tells the doctor that he reads to her and she remembers. The doctor’s all like, “Nope that’s not happening. Dementia is irreversible and degenerative so maybe you should go home Noah, you’re drunk.” “You know what they say doc, science only goes so far, then there’s God.” Man, get a different hobby.

FLASHBACK:

Noah: Do you love him.
Allie: Yes I do.
Noah: Okay we can be friends are you hungry?
Allie: I have to warn you I’m a cheap drunk; a couple more of these and you’re going to be carrying me out of here.
Noah: Go slow so I don’t take advantage of you.
Allie: You wouldn’t dare. I’m a married woman.
Noah: Not yet.
Allie: Why you looking at me like that?
Noah: Memories. This room where I tried to fuck you before the cops came and then I yelled at you for thinking too much. #memories.

Then Noah reads some more poetry on the porch then Allie leaves and Noah’s like “Come back tomorrow morning I want to show you this place and then hate-fuck you.”

Meanwhile Old Noah and Allie’s  three kids show up, Allie introduces herself to them then goes to take a #170 nap.

Noah: There’s something about today. Maybe it’s a day for a miracle.
Kids: Cut the shit dad. She doesn’t remember you. Come home.
Noah: Look guys, that’s my sweetheart in there and I know that she’s apt to cheat since she left her fiancé for me so I’m not leaving her no mater how much of a drain on hospital resources and government funding it is for me to live in this nursing home.

James Marsden (Nicest guy ever): I got worried when you didn’t call so I called the one hotel in Seabrook about 100 times.
Allie: LOVE YA call you tomorrow.

Allie shows up in a weird caftan-like scarf and Noah takes her rowing on the lake amidst about 700 ducks flapping around in the water. If this can’t get him laid, nothing will. Maybe you should get out of that row boat and back to your fiancé and stop feeding the goddamn ducks, Allie.

Cue romantic rainstorm where Allie involuntarily participates in a wet T-shirt contest. Noah laughs as Allie gets wetter, knowing she’s def putting out.

Allie: Why didn’t you write? It wasn’t over for me. I waited for you for 7 years and now it’s too late.
Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year. It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over.

*Intense makeout sesh following an adulterous yet hot sex scene*

Allie: You’ve got to be kidding me. All this time that’s what I’ve been missing? Let’s do it again!

WTF you’re engaged FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS I DARE YOU.

CUT TO: Noah and Allie asleep on the floor in blankets. Allie wakes him up, trying for morning sex, and he’s like “I need rest and food. Go make me a sandwich” and Allie’s like “okay what do you want?” and he’s like “pancakes.”

Then Martha Shaw shows up at the door bringing food because Noah has many hos in this area code.

Knowing what’s up Martha’s like “She’s the one isn’t she? Can I meet her?”
Noah: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Allie comes out and she invites her in because their mutual boyfriend IS AN ASSHOLE and the least we can do for nice people is make them a fucking cup of tea.

Martha then leaves and Noah walks the poor lonely widow out. “She’s sensational, she really is,” says the most mature person I’ve ever seen depicted on film. “I’d forgotten what it’s like for the first time since I lost Richard I feel like I’ve got something to look forward to.” Apparently that something is having dinner with your fuck buddy and his true love.

The next morning, Allie, who still hasn’t called her fiancé, wakes up to find that Noah has laid out a paint easel in a room of the house because “OMG FINALLY A GUY WHO REALLY GETS ME!” Allie then sits on the porch naked in a towel and painting an extremely impressive art piece, which actually looks like a very chill day. (STILL WEARING HER ENORMOUS ENGAGEMENT RING.)

Then her mom shows up. Then the mom informs her that James Marsden is coming because Allie never called him the night before which seems perfectly reasonable and Allie’s like OMG can he not I’m on vaca! Why didn’t you show me my letters/bring me a latte!?

Allie’s mom: Let’s take a drive. I might know you better than you think.

Then Allie’s mom takes her to some steel yard or wherever it was 1930s povo people worked and she points out some overweight guy in a hat that she used to date. She’s all like “this is what happens when you seriously date a poor guy.”

Allie’s mom: My father was furious so we ran away but the police picked us up. Sometimes when I’m in the area I stop here and watch him, trying to picture how different my life would’ve been. (UM THAT’S CREEPY and sort of rude towards this innocent guy that you dumped because you’re a gold-digger).

Allie’s mom drops her off and they hug and she gives her her big stack of letters from Noah. I bet at least 25% of those contain a dick pic (or I guess a dick stenciling since this is the 40s.)

Noah: What’re you gonna do Allie?
Allie: IDK
Noah: We’re back to that!? What about the past couple of days? I know what this is about. He’s got a lot of money! You’re bored and you know it. You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something missing. Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you, what for? We’re already fighting.
Noah: Well that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. It’s not going to be easy; it’s going to be hard, and we’re going to have to work at this everyday but I want that. Everyday you and me.

Thus solidifying that the guy you should really be with is the one who consistently tells you you’re a pain in the ass and likes when you make him panacakes.

Old Noah prepares a scenic sunset dinner for old Allie at the nursing home because apparently that’s a huge aphrodisiac for these two. They both drink wine and Noah finishes the story.

James Marsden AKA nicest man ever: I can shoot him, kick the crap out of him, or leave you, but none of those options give me you and I love you.

JM: It’s normal not to forget your first love. I love you but I want you for myself and I don’t want to have to convince my fiancée that she should be with me. Can this guy get a spinoff movie?

Modern Day: Allie realizes she chose Noah and gets really excited and they dance together and then she’s like “IT WAS US!!!!” Then they start dancing. Then she flips out because Noah won’t take her on a rebellious car ride out of the nursing home and is like “I don’t remember you asshole who are you!?” Then the nursing staff comes in to sedate her #romantic and Noah starts crying in the corner like a frat bro at a judicial hearing for date rape.

Noah then goes into cardiac arrest because he didn’t get laid last night.

Noah then escapes his nursing room and the kindly nurse lets him sneak into Allie’s room in a totally irresponsible maneuver that probably ends with her being fired after the two are found dead in each others arms the next morning.

Allie: Do you think that our love can create miracles?
Noah: Yes I do. That’s what brings you back to me each time.
Allie: Do you think our love could take us away together? (I sense a suicide pact coming on.)
Noah: I think our love can do anything we want it to.

*Makeout sesh*

Allie: I love you
Noah: I love you

They hold hands and magically die.

That’s a wrap. GOODNIGHT. I’ll be seeing you.

PS: As much as I’m hating on this movie it’s really not THAT bad and here’s the saving grace:

A Definitive Ranking Of Every Nicholas Sparks Movie

Whether you love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Personally, I think it’s the world’s stupidest holiday. Mainly because I have an icy black heart and mushy shit makes me want to jump off the fucking roof. But that’s just me. Regardless, it’s almost here, and in addition to tacky flower arrangements and teddy bears and chocolate, love movies are going to be everywhere, which means you’re not going to be able to escape all 5,000 of the depressing af Nicholas Sparks movies even if you try. So here you have it, a definitive ranking of every last one of his flicks, so when you’re flipping through the guide over the next two weeks you know which ones are worth watching, and when you should just settle for a Criminal Minds marathon instead.
 

11. Nights in Rodanthe

Nights In Rodanthe

You’re probably thinking to yourself “what tf even is this?” but I promise this is actually a real movie and it’s actually terrible. If you’re craving a little Richard Gere and Diane Lane, do yourself a favor and rent Unfaithful instead. Or better yet, go back to your retirement home.

10. The Choice

The Choice

Okay, to be fair, I didn’t even see this one because it looked like literal garbage, but I do know it’s about two people who live next door to each other and fall in love and, in true Nicholas Sparks fashion, someone gets critically injured. Oh, and I can still hear the main dude saying “come bother me” in the trailer. Not sure what the movie’s namesake “choice” is, but I’d say that if you have the choice, skip this.
 

9. Message in a Bottle

Message In A Bottle

This one actually isn’t as bad as the ranking makes it seem, but like, it’s so old and depressing and there’s really nothing that makes it stand out. Any movie with Kevin Costner in it where he’s not playing baseball is just fucking pointless, and any movie whose title immediately gets a song by The Police stuck in my head for the next three hours is an automatic no from me, dog.
 

8. The Best Of Me

Best of Me

Back when this came out, I had really high hopes for this one because James Marsden is bae, but it really fell flat. There’s nothing memorable, nothing terrible. It’s basically the movie equivalent of butterless, saltless, air-popped popcorn.

7. The Lucky One

The Lucky One

Bonus points for Zac Efron also being bae and for Piper from OITNB being in it, negative points for their nonexistent chemistry. They’re both so hot. How tf was it so weird? Answer: It was like watching Zac Efron make out with his aunt. The only reason this pseudo-incest film didn’t rank lower is because there’s a shower makeout scene in which you can see a wet Zac Efron.

6. The Longest Ride

The Longest Ride

Tbh, I thought this one was going to be shit so I was never planning on watching until it was on HBO every other minute, so I figured why tf not. It was actually way better than expected. They’re both attractive and I have no clue who either one of them is, so the idea of these two nobodies being in a relationship was believable. The only thing that I could have done without is the whole bull riding thing—which I get is like, a big part of the plot, but I really DGAF about a country boy’s deep need to ride an animal that wants to kill him. And like honestly, can anyone with an education level beyond high school relate to this? Loss of points for niche redneck premise.

5. Dear John

Dear John

Now we’re getting to the good shit. I could look at Channing Tatum all fucking day, especially in a uniform—so for if no other reason, this one is worth the watch because of that. It loses cred because there’s no way in hell Channing would obsess over Karen Smith for years, and there’s really no way Karen would dump him for some not hot dying dude while he was away at war. Nope. Not real. Dear John also sucks for inspiring a Taylor Swift song of the same name.
 

4. Safe Haven

safe haven

This one gets less credit than it deserves. Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough are totally adorable. The storyline is actually somewhat exciting rather than just a cry-fest. And the twist at the end you never see coming. Did I just describe every Nicholas Sparks movie out there? Maybe.

3. The Last Song

Last Song

Remember when Miley was a cute innocent teen from Tennessee with big teeth and a life that seemed relatively together? Yeah, me too. And you can reminisce when you watch The Last Song. But more importantly, this was the first real time I can remember that we were introduced to the younger Hemsworth brother. As for the movie, it’s got some classic Nicholas Sparks sadness but neither one of them dies so like, fine. Watch this and then cry-sing “The Climb” and try not to text your ex from high school.

2. A Walk to Remember

Walk To Remember

Get the tissues ready because this has to be one of the saddest movies you’ll ever see—besides My Dog Skip, but that’s for another time. It came out when we were all young little betches and we dreamed of scoring a popular bad boy like Shane West when we got to high school. Sure, Mandy Moore’s character was the nicegirl to end all nicegirls and a total Jesus freak (not to mention socially retarded and weird), but that song she sang at the school play was the fucking jam. Even if it was shadily Jesus-y, it was still the slow dance song we all wanted to hear at our middle school dance. And it would have almost gotten away with being the #1 Nicholas Sparks movie, if it wasn’t for…

1. The Notebook

The Notebook

Name a more iconic love story. I’ll wait. I’m not going to go into why this is No. 1 because if you disagree you can go shave your fucking back. Long live Allie and Noah.