Turns Out ‘Jane Roe’ Was Paid To Pretend She Opposed Abortion

I’m not sure whether or not this story can be categorized as good news or bad news. The limited nature of binaries fails us once again.

An…interesting new development in the history of Roe v. Wade has come to light this week, as a new FX documentary AKA Jane Roe about the woman known as Jane Roe was released. “Jane Roe” was the then-unnamed plaintiff in the landmark 1973 Supreme Court case that legalized abortion. Jane Roe was Norma McCorvey. McCorvey herself never actually got an abortion, but for years after, she was a part of the pro-choice movement. Then, in the ’90s, McCorvey suddenly flipped her stance and began speaking out against abortion. She claimed to be “born again” as an evangelical Christian, even despite her identity as a queer woman. A real bummer that we ultimately did hate to see.

Turns out that change of heart — like many elements of the anti-abortion rights movement — was all based on a lie.

In the film, McCorvey reveals that her shift to pro-life ideals in the 1990s was all a farce, and that she only claimed to be anti-abortion because she was paid. Yay?.

In AKA Jane Roe, a documentary about McCorvey’s complex life, she reveals why flipped and started doing live speeches for anti-abortion groups. “I think it was a mutual thing. I took their money, and they’d put me out in front of the cameras and tell me what to say. That’s what I’d say. It was all an act. I did it well too. I am a good actress.” A tit for tat, as they say.

In the documentary, McCorvey wants to set the record straight while she has the chance — she passed away in 2017, before the movie was released. She says, “If a young woman wants to have an abortion, that’s no skin off my ass. That’s why they call it choice,” she said in her colorful “deathbed confession.”

Aside from the fact that it’s not just “young” women who need to end pregnancies, I can only hope my last words include the phrase “no skin off my ass.”

McCorvey’s shift to the opposing side of the abortion movement was disappointing, but it wasn’t random. In one of the interviews in AKA Jane Roe, McCorvey explains the resentment she felt towards the left-wing feminists who often looked down on her. They felt she was too uneducated to give public speeches, and instead wanted to use her as a silent symbol for the movement, without ever really treating her as wholly human. Naturally, McCorvey was turned off by that.

McCorvey was, in fact, uneducated. She came from poverty, and had endured abuse throughout her life. She represented the kind of woman who is often left behind in America, especially when it comes to reproductive rights. And yet, the leftwing feminists who fought for her still didn’t treat her with respect. In a sense, they used her too, just as the evangelicals did. So, I guess McCorvey went to the people who were going to pay her.

There’s a lesson here, that I *hope* we can remember. On the left, we often claim to be for the working class, but too often, that’s just symbolic. And that is how we lose their support.

People don’t want to be part of a movement that looks down on them. Why would they? Food for thought!

Image: mark reinstein / Shutterstock.com

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Of Course States Are Using COVID-19 To Ban Abortion

If you think politicians would put trying to take reproductive rights away from people on hold during a global health crisis…think again, bitch! Several states are trying to ban abortions, deeming them as “non-essential” during the COVID-19 pandemic, and one has done so successfully. Because a time-sensitive procedure that will affect the rest of a person’s life and is not essential. Sure, Jan.

On Tuesday, the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals  threw out a lower court ruling that would block the temporary abortion ban in Texas, following a long legal battle between the state and reproductive rights groups. The judges noted that the state has the power to restrict resident’s rights, such as peaceful assembly, during an emergency, and that “abortion is no exception.” As a result, nearly all abortions are banned in Texas. 

This fight did not begin on Tuesday for Texas. This all began on March 22, when Texas Governor. Greg Abbott issued an executive order banning abortions during the coronavirus outbreak, deeming them medically unnecessary and claiming they use up valuable medical supplies. After reproductive rights group sued the state and secured a temporary pause on the ban, the circuit court this week ruled against them to allow it.

Republican-appointed judges in Texas wrote that the state is allowed to “to restrict, for example, one’s right to assemble peacefully, to publicly worship, to travel, and even to leave one’s home” in a public health emergency and that therefore: “The right to abortion is no exception.”

So they agree it is abortion is a right, and one they are choosing to allow the governor to curtail. Excellent. We’ll remember that.

Planned Parenthood and the Center for Reproductive rights said they’re reviewing their legal options and may attempt to take the case up to the United States Supreme Court. The ban is set to expire on April 21, and states that a medical professional who provided an abortion before then could be fined $1,000 or face jail time of up to 180 days. For sure what we should be focusing our energy on rn, great job everyone.

To anyone seeking abortion care right now, we see you, we trust you, and we support you.

Abortion is 𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙖𝙡. It is not something that can be delayed or forgone without serious impacts on the pregnant person’s health and life. #MyRightMyDecision #SustainingCommunity pic.twitter.com/V181IhRGke

— Center for Reproductive Rights (@ReproRights) April 8, 2020

The problem here is that abortion is incredibly time-sensitive, so, uh, maybe it should be an exception? Just a thought. It’s also worth noting that this decision claims to be based on the fact that abortion is “medically unnecessary” and would use up supplies needed to treat COVID-19 patients, but the reality is that the most common method early in pregnancy is administering medication abortion. This requires no medical gear. In fact, the ban on abortion would simply delay this process, which would then force people to seek a surgical abortion or give birth. And what do you know,  both of those procedures require more medical resources

Other states that are trying to impose similar bans are Alabama, Iowa, Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana and Oklahoma. Did you really think Alabama would miss a chance to fuck shit up for womxn’s right? Abortion rights groups have acted immediately to get some of these bans lifted, and so far judges have  sided with them in Alabama, Oklahoma and Ohio.

Banning abortion is taking away fundamental human rights, period. But to use a pandemic as an excuse to do it is especially heinous. This is a time when people are losing their jobs, and consequently, their health insurance. Denying them access to abortions at a time like this is asking them to completely throw away their livelihoods.

Plus, we all know banning abortions does not stop abortions. It simply creates more harm.

First of all, people who can’t get their abortions in the states banning them will likely travel to other states to get what they need. Crossing state lines is not ideal during a time when we are asking people to stay at home, and could lead to further spreading of COVID-19.

People seeking abortion care in West Virginia would need to drive much further to reach a clinic due to the state's #COVID19 abortion ban. This is shameful & puts the health & well-being of patients at risk in the middle of a pandemic. #AbortionIsEssential pic.twitter.com/qpfO3FYveL

— Guttmacher Institute (@Guttmacher) April 8, 2020

Or, people will be forced to try to conduct abortions illegally and unsafely. Research shows that after Roe V. Wade was passed in 1973, the number of deaths associated with illegal abortion decreased dramatically. Banning abortion doesn’t stop abortions from happening, it simply makes them more dangerous and leads to more deaths. So, if you’re pro-life, lives might be something you want to consider.

It’s scary how quickly lawmakers jumped at the chance of using a pandemic as an excuse to take our rights away. It reminds us that we can’t stop paying attention to this shit, even in a time like this, when everything feels overwhelming. Of course, give yourself breaks and practice self-care, but stay vigilant.

Anyway, I’m sure Republicans will agree to give all the womxn who can’t get abortions because of these bans a $500 check as part of the coronavirus stimulus because their fetus is actually a child.

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Ohio’s Latest Abortion Bill Would Create A New Crime: ‘Abortion Murder’

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that the term “abortion murder” is a thing.

The term reads like an attempt to psychically coax people into believing the first word is synonymous to the second one by simply lumping them together, like “rape consent” or “Nickleback good.” And that’s because that’s exactly what it is. But it’s also very serious, because it is being used in an official bill that has been drafted by Ohioan legislators. *Le sigh*

Ohio House Bill 413 is 723 pages long (dramatic much?), sponsored by Ohio State Rep. Candice Keller, and would add several new felonies to the state’s criminal code: “abortion murder” and “aggravated abortion murder.” The law would allow the state to punish doctors who perform abortions — and people who get them — to 15 years to life in prison. Not abortions before six weeks — not abortions in the case of rape or incest — but any abortion whatsoever.

Unlike previous extreme abortion bans, the Ohio bill does not include exceptions for rape or incest, with very narrow exemptions when it’s “highly probable that the pregnant woman will die from a certain fatal condition” should she carry on with the pregnancy.

It also includes provisions that suggest doctors should attempt to re-implant an ectopic pregnancy in a patient’s uterus. An ectopic pregnancy is when an egg is fertilized somewhere outside of the uterus, usually in the fallopian tubes, and has to be terminated in order to prevent complications or even death of the pregnant person. Re-implanting an ectopic pregnancy into a person’s uterus is a procedure that literally does not exist, but go off, Ohio.

But wait, there’s more! The bill also refers to a crime called “aggravated abortion murder,” which is when someone performs an abortion while committing or attempting to commit kidnapping, rape, aggravated arson, arson, aggravated robbery, robbery, aggravated burglary, burglary,or other crimes. K, what criminal mastermind is out here performing abortions while robbing a bank? Asking for a friend.

The bill has yet to be passed or even voted on, but much like my ex at my family’s holiday party, the mere introduction of it is troubling.

House Minority Leader Emilia Sykes called the bill “the most brazen and absurd attempt yet to deny Ohio women their fundamental freedoms, to interfere with the patient-doctor relationship and disproportionately target communities of color across Ohio.”

Even if it is not passed, the bill seems to be the beginning of a movement that wants to give fetuses the same legal rights as pregnant people, and in many cases even put fetuses’ lives above pregnant people’s. Even just creating a bill that proposed re-implanting ectopic pregnancies is dangerous, because now people will likely hear this language and continue to push for the practice of it, even though it’s not medically possible. Like, even pro-life medical professionals have said that it isn’t possible.

Ingrid Skop, chair of the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians and Gynecologists (AAPLOG), told Vox:  “To my knowledge we are nowhere near having the technology to do that.”

So WTF is this idea doing in a bill, then? Most likely trying to get people behind the idea, so they will push for it becoming a reality. But doing so could put pregnant people’s lives at risk, as the need to terminate their fetuses won’t be at the forefront, and hesitating to do so can be fatal. In short, pregnant people — cis women, trans men, and non-binary people — might find that their lives are not protected by the law, but their unborn fetuses’ are.

Feeling absolutely terrified? Great, let’s keep going!

Ohio has been a pioneer in strict, arguably inhumane, abortion laws in the past. They were the first to introduce a “heartbeat bill” which bans pregnancy after six weeks, back in 2011. It didn’t pass then, but did earlier this year, not just in Ohio, but in other states like Iowa, Georgia, and Alabama.

Important reminder: abortion is currently legal in all 50 states.

These bills have since been blocked by courts, but we can see the pattern of progression here. When the heartbeat bill was first introduced in Ohio in 2011, it was regarded as too extreme by most. Now, it’s clearly gaining popularity and traction, as various states attempt to pass it into law. The same could happen with this “abortion murder” bill. It’s like when you plant the idea of a present you want your partner to buy you by bringing it up over and over again, except in this case it’s bringing up “abortion murder” and the result is the jailing and death of women (and trans men and non-binary people).

This all seems to be part of a big push to chip away at abortion laws until they are illegal entirely, short of a Supreme Court decision removing the right to end a pregnancy. This term, SCOTUS will hear a Louisiana abortion case that could change how states are allowed to regulate the procedure.

Bills like Ohio’s are scary, but it’s important to remember that we have the power to elect lawmakers who are pro-choice. (Our friends at EMILY’s list, in particular, focus on grading and supporting women candidates who are prochoice.)

Aggressive reminder to do your homework and find out who you can vote for who will fight to keep abortion safe and legal. Bodily autonomy should be a human right given to all, because deciding what you want to do with your body should be your choice and your choice only. And yet we keep finding ways to criminalize people — mainly women and minorities — for attempting to obtain the legal right to do with their body as they choose, so here we are. Keep fighting the good fight, my queens.

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Images: Giphy (3)

South Carolina Is Trying To Pass An Abortion Bill That Removes Exceptions For Rape And Incest

It is with great displeasure that I must tell you that a proposed bill to outlaw abortions after a heartbeat is detected in South Carolina has gone through its first round of approval after Republican Senators stripped away exceptions for women who have become pregnant from rape or incest. We. Hate. To. See. It.

In case you’re not mad enough already, let me give you a lil’ push: the bill was approved by the Senate Medical Affairs subcommittee which consists of six men and one woman. One — count her — one woman. Glad to see women’s bodies, lives, and fates are constantly in the hands of men who couldn’t point out the clitoris on a labeled map.

The proposal must be passed by the full Medical Affairs committee next, and then can make its way to the Senate floor, where it will *hopefully* will face a lot of backlash, preferably too much backlash.

Unfortunately, Republican Gov. Henry McMaster has said that he will sign the bill into law if it is passed by the Senate.

Even before the recent removal of exceptions for rape and incest, this bill was already scary AF. It would make it illegal for doctors to perform abortions after a heartbeat is detected, which is typically around 6 weeks, aka before most women know they are pregnant. This would outlaw about 55 percent of abortions performed in South Carolina.

The bill is, of course, part of a larger plan for pro-lifers to get an abortion case to the newly conservative-leaning Supreme Court (thanks to frat boy Brett K), where they are hoping Roe V. Wade can be overturned. So far most laws similar to this have been blocked by Federal Judges, but it’s still horrifying to see lawmakers come together and try to find ways to strip women of the right to control what happens in our own f*cking bodies. Like, can these old dudes get another hobby besides trying to desperately control women? That would be great, thanks.

Images: Giphy (2)

Male Birth Control Is Coming So Tell Your Boyfriend To Set An Alarm

The time has finally come. At last, I have been assigned to write about the prospects of male birth control. My body is ready. THE MALE BODY IS READY. *queues up “It’s Raining Men”*

Scientists have been working on male birth control for years, and a new study shows that there is a very promising pill in the making. Much like the birth control pill for women, it’s a capsule that you take once a day and it miraculously – or I guess scientifically – makes your reproductive bits an anti-baby zone. The pill is called DMAU, which is v fitting because that sounds like the name of some shitty male DJ who wants you to come check out his set at Club Catastrophe. Anyway, the pill reduces levels of testosterone that are needed to produce sperm. I feel like most men would hear the phrase “reduces levels of testosterone” and immediately start flexing/crying, but the study shows that of the 83 men who tested the pill, none of them endured troubling symptoms. I repeat, no troubling symptoms. The first time I took the pill I gained 30 pounds and couldn’t take a shower without crying, so it looks like as per-fucking-usual, this is going to be easier for men.

Researchers plan to launch a three month clinical study on men taking DMAU. If that goes well, they’ll then test it with couples. The question is: can men be trusted to responsibly take the pill? As soon as I typed out the words “can men be trusted” my visceral reaction was “NOPE.” However, it’s time for men to take responsibility here, and we need to urge them to do so. Everything can’t fall on women. We’re tired. It’s your turn, bros. Also, taking a pill is not hard. You literally just…take it. But then again, I once had to teach my ex how to make scrambled eggs.

As Arthi Thirumalai, an endocrinologist at the University of Washington Medical Center put it,“It’s hard to solve a problem when you essentially exclude half the world’s population from doing anything about it.” Put that on a plaque and hang it on every man’s wall.

This is all very exciting and I look forward to seeing men’s alarms go off in public when it’s time for them to take their birth control. That’s it for now. Wake me up when IUD’s for men are a thing, and Republicans are suddenly pro-reproductive rights.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Fight Back Against Sexism With NOW Foundation & Our Rules Of Feminism Tee

It’s a pretty bad week/month/year for women. Trump and Republicans in Congress want to hike up the price of our birth control and outlaw abortions. One of the most powerful men in Hollywood has been assaulting and harassing women for YEARS and nobody did anything about it. Your favorite Hollywood hottie, Ben Affleck, gropes women on the regular (allegedly…). Oh, and women are still earning less than men even when performing the same jobs *screams into the void*. 

When women’s rights are under attack, you gotta step up and help. That’s just like, the rules of feminism. We’re partnering with the National Organization For Women on a new “Rules Of Feminism” T-shirt. 20% of the proceeds from this shirt will be donated to the NOW Foundation, and 100% of you will look both amazing and very woke wearing it. 

Rules Of Feminism Tee

What is the NOW Foundation? They’re a nonprofit “devoted to achieving full equality for women through education and litigation,” according to their website. Basically, they do a little bit of everything, from the Love Your Body campaign aimed at promoting better body image among young women to voter mobilization efforts to preparing and submitting reports to the UN about global feminist issues, and much more. They are also affiliated with the National Organization for Women, the biggest feminist grassroots campaign in the United States. Buy this tee for yourself, for your friends, for your woke bae—whoever. It’s for a great cause.

Order Now On Shop Betches!
3 Terrifying Pieces Of Anti-Woman Legislation You Need To Know About Right Now

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 3x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain everything that’s going on in terms you can understand. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

When I mention your body’s biggest enemy, you probably have something that came immediately to mind: your thighs, your arms, the pimple you got from dropping kettle corn into your mouth/all over your face so you could eat without sitting up for normal adult reasons. Or maybe you thought of the parade of fuckboys last few bros you banged who confirmed for you that some people just weren’t built to interact with the female body. This second guess is closer to what I’m actually talking about, because it similarly concerns a group of largely white men (if you’d like to fight me on your sexual history, feel free, I’m just taking a guess) who have no business with women’s bodies, and yet can’t leave them the fuck alone. Those people are called YOUR GOVERNMENT. (Mic drop, I am political.)

In all honesty, I probably don’t have a single friend who would describe me as political; I don’t even feel like I ignore the news on purpose, it just kind of floats past me, like everything that was ever said in a high school history class. But because I’m a selfish bitch I care about my readers very much, when I hear about bullshit new measures that will negatively affect my body both on a daily basis and in times of need, I am going to listen the fuck up and urge you all to do the same. Here’s a rundown of the three scariest pieces of legislation aimed to limit women’s choices right now—and for those of you with any remaining doubts that I really do not usually care/write about politics, please know that I literally just Googled the word “legislation” to make sure I was using it correctly. Feels good.

Kevin The Office

1. Remember When Obama Made Your Boss Pay for Your Birth Control? Yeah, That’s Over.

In a continued bid to out-evil Satan, Trump made a fun little announcement last Friday: He’s shut down the Obama-era law requiring most employers to cover co-pay-free birth control, an amazing measure we definitely all took completely for granted. Now, in the nation of Gilead Trump’s America, employers will be able to cite “religious or moral objection” to covering birth control, and BAM: You can no longer afford brunch, because that budget has been re-allocated to your “not getting pregnant” fund. Oh, and regardless of your birth control type, this shit is not cheap: My employer insurance had a fun two-week blackout last month and I was charged $200 for a 30-day supply of my GENERIC birth control pill. So don’t even try to come at me with that “just pay out of pocket, mer mer mer, women want everything for free” shit, TYLER.

Proposed Solution: If there is a guy you are regularly having sex with, and your birth control coverage is affected, ask him to pay for half. I know this doesn’t effect change on a policy level, but as a group, can women please stop accepting sole financial responsibility for preventing pregnancy? If the guy you’re fucking starts whining about the cost, just tell him there’s a 100% free alternative: You can stop having sex with him, forever.


2. 20 Weeks Pregnant? Cool, You’re Having a Baby Now.

Though this isn’t yet in immediate effect like the above measure, a bill recently passed through the House of Representatives criminalizing abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy. Never mind the fact that if our government hates abortions so much, they probably shouldn’t have repealed the access to free birth control, which conveniently yielded lower abortion rates than we had in 1973, when abortion was made legal nation-wide. Never mind the disgustingly insulting title for this bill of “Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act,” which would perhaps have been more aptly titled “Pain-Capable and Very Much Born Adult Woman Punishment Act.” In this case, let’s focus on the fact that one of the bill’s co-sponsors, Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania, was literally texting his mistress to GET AN ABORTION while passing this bill through the House. Everything about this bill (and its relation to less-available birth control) is so alarmingly nonsensical that I’m almost ready to start buying into lizard-person theories. Given the one season I watched of House of Cards, I feel like “handling” a mistress’ pregnancy is basically a rite of passage for most politicians—so why are they so fucking intent on making sure those abortions need to be illegal and unsafe? It’s definitely not a conspiracy to have more women die during the procedure, rendering them unable to talk about the affair, right? Wait…right?

Pepe Silvia

3. A Special-Edition Coverage Slash For Pre-Pregnant, Pregnant, And Post-Pregnant Women

This bad boy, otherwise known as the Graham-Cassidy bill, is luckily having a lot of trouble getting passed, so there’s chance you won’t actually have to deal with this specifically. Which is good because I JUST spent two hours of my Monday at a Planned Parenthood phone bank defeating this nightmare of a bill that keeps popping back up like a zombie Whack-A-Mole, can I live for one week?? But honestly, every proposed healthcare reform bill this garbage-monster administration has spewed out has been pretty similarly shitty, so expect comparable measures if they manage to get anything through. This particular bill has gone ahead and banned women on Medicaid from visiting Planned Parenthood (straight up, I do not know what Medicaid is, but oh my god just allow women access to appropriate healthcare, our bodies are more complicated than yours and we fucking need it). Also, it’s restricted abortion coverage and maternity care in the same bill, so really (unless you’re a politician’s mistress!), these people would like to ensure that you get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bear the emotional, physical, and financial burden of that pregnancy all on your own. Just like how you got pregnant all on your own, without the help of any second party. Right.

Liz Lemon

Basically, the only common thread of these new measures is that our government doesn’t give a shit about you or your body. There’s no ideological or economic background that makes any sense, much like when Dean started motorboating D-Lo in the pool, thus jeopardizing his supposed “deep emotional connection” with Kristina, and the lucrative fandom love that could have launched a thousand Instagram sponsorships. So, I encourage you to start thinking about our government the way you think about the fuckboys we deal with on a daily basis: Until they shape the fuck up, we’ll be heavily looking into alternative options. You don’t let fuckboys tell you what to do with your body, so let’s get them out of these government positions where they can literally charge you for going against their dumbass ideas on what your body has access to.

Read: The 5 Biggest Fuckboys In Congress Right Now

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 3x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain everything that’s going on in terms you can understand. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Should You Still Be Hoarding Birth Control Or Nah? An Update On Planned Parenthood

After walking contraception advertisement Donald Trump was elected President back in November over the most qualified candidate our nation has ever seen (still not over it, in case you couldn’t tell), sexually active women everywhere rushed to Planned Parenthood for long term birth control—IUDs, for example, last an entire presidential term—just in case the GOP ever made good on their promise to defund Planned Parenthood, repeal Obamacare, and make us all live in The Handmaid’s Tale. Whether you went for an IUD, the implant, a nuvaring, or just stocked up on four year’s worth of pills, long term birth control was definitely the move in the immediate aftermath of the election, but what about now? We’re almost 100 days into the Trump Presidency (100 days = a decade in Trump Years) and he’s yet to score a single legislative victory (but hopefully I didn’t just jinx it). Paul Ryan’s healthcare reforms blew up so hard that it reached getting-your-period-in-white-pants-while-giving-a-book-report levels of embarrassing, the Muslim Ban isn’t held up in court, and the Senate had to blow up the filibuster just to get his Supreme Court nominee passed. As far as Trump’s ability to do literally anything, it’s not looking good. But like, that’s not a challenge or anything, Donald. Keep on doing what you’re (not) doing.

So can we chill? Is it time to hang up our pussy hats and go back to only thinking about our gynecologist at our annual check up (or bi-annual STD scare)?

Unfortunately, no. While Trump has not really been able to do any of hard stuff (governing, spelling, having hair, etc…) it turns out that fucking with women’s health is actually fairly easy if you are motivated to do so and the President Of The United States.

Since taking office, Trump and his woman-hating monkey boy Mike Pence, have made at least two significant moves on the defunding Planned Parenthood front, but before we even get into that, it’s probably best to define what exactly “defunding Planned Parenthood” means because, like most things, it’s not what Donald Trump thinks it means.

First of all—and we’ll say this one loudly for people in the back—none of the federal funds Planned Parenthood receives go toward abortions. None. Zip. Nada. Not one dollar. Not even a fun, jokey Venmo for 50 cents. Nothing. So don’t even try me with the “I don’t want my tax dollars funding abortions” line. 

This is because of a federal law passed in September 1976 called the Hyde Amendment, which bars public funds from going toward abortion except in the case of rape, incest, or the life of the mother being at stake. Despite democratic attempts to repeal the amendment, Paul Ryan passed H.R 7 on January 24th, 2017 which seeks to make the Hyde Amendment “permanent.” That’s also only 4 days after Trump became President (you probably refer to it as “the worst day of my life”), which shows you just how desperate PR was to take away women’s rights. Like, if this is indicative at all of his texting style he’d be the guy who meets you once and then starts texting you “hey beautiful” everyday. And as Paul learned when trying to pass his shitty healthcare bill, nobody likes that guy. Sigh. It’s always the hot ones who disappoint you the most. 

So, much like when you’re mad at your boyfriend for liking some Instagram model’s butt selfie so you start a fight about the proper way to load a dishwasher, when we talk about defunding Planned Parenthood, we’re really talking about something else. Basically, “defunding” Planned Parenthood means that the government would refuse to reimburse Planned Parenthood for the mammograms, contraception, cervical cancer checks, STD screenings, pap smears, and annual checkups they conduct for roughly 4 million women each year. 

This is like if Planned Parenthood put its card down for drinks so you could avoid annoying the server and having to do math, and then the GOP refused to accept the Venmo request later. Eventually, Planned Parenthood isn’t going to be able to put its card down anymore because it doesn’t have enough money in checking to cover everybody’s shit, and now Happy Hour is ruined for everyone. And by Happy Hour we mean your sex life and reproductive health.

According to the Congressional Budget Office, “defunding” Planned Parenthood would be disastrous for people Mike Pence refuses to be alone with (all women), and would result in 15% of low incoming women losing their healthcare entirely, and thousands more births per year. So basically, think of that one friend who you know should absolutely not ever produce a child. Defund Planned Parenthood, and they’ll probably have one. Maybe two. All named dumb shit like “Amabella” or “Prosecco.” Just think about that. 

So where are we, and our platinum vagines, at now? Here’s a rundown of the actions the Trump Administration has taken to restrict women’s access to healthcare:

1. Reinstated A Ban On Abortion Funding Overseas.

One of Trump’s first actions in office (besides going around and farting on all of Obama’s old stuff, which I assume he did immediately after being sworn in) was to reinstate the Mexico City policy, established by Ronald Reagan in 1984. This rule blocks federal funding for international groups that provide abortions, or “actively promote” the procedure, so if you were thinking that you’d just turn your failure to use adequate birth control into an excuse for a vacay, you are sadly mistaken. I mean, you still could, but you’d be returning to the U.S. with a much needed tan and an unwanted baby, which isn’t really a great look for anyone. 

2. Made It Easier For States To Deny Funding To Planned Parenthood.

Last week, while most of us were distracted by the impending threat of global nuclear warfare, Trump casually signed legislation that makes it easier for states to defund Planned Parenthood by rolling back changes to Title X Family Planning Funding President Obama put in place that said states couldn’t deny funding to family planning services simply because they provide abortions. What this means is basically if you live in the liberal bubble, your Planned Parenthood is fine (for now), but if you live in a shitty red state like Kansas or Arkansas or literally the entire middle of the country, you should get your birth control on lock now because the fate of Planned Parenthood in your state is about as solid as Nick and Vanessa’s engagement.

For those of you betches living in Maryland, you’re in luck. MD was the first state to say that it will protect PP’s funding, regardless of what the federal government says, so now is as good a time as ever to finally make your parents’ Ocean City house your actual permanent residence.

3. Told PP He Wouldn’t Defund Them As Long As They Stopped Doing Abortions.

In a last-ditch effort to save his sad-ass health care bill, Trump offered Planned Parenthood a deal: keep your federal funding, but stop doing abortions. That’s like a guy telling you he’ll take you out to dinner, but you have to agree to leave your phone at home. It’s just not happening. And much like you when that same dude hits you up to Netflix and Chill a week later, Planned Parenthood rejected the offer.

So, all of this is to say that, while it is heartening to see the level of incompetence the Trump Administration has shown in even the most basic tasks (apart from bombing people, which he appears to have gotten the hang of very quickly), looking into long term birth control options, whether it be an IUD, the implant, or getting your tubes tied and moving to the woods, is probably still a very good idea. As is donating to Planned Parenthood, especially donating directly to red state clinics that are in danger, so that PP can keep doing its thing no matter what The Trump Administration throws its way. You could make it your weekly mission to find at least one bro to buy you a drink at the bar, and then donate the money you saved by being attractive to the Planned Parenthood of your choice. That way, you can lay the groundwork for future hookups, and protect yourself from any unwanted pregnancies that hookup may bring, with one well placed across the bar eye-fucking. It’s a beautiful thing.

Oh, and if you’re hoping that First Lady-Daughter Ivanka Trump will swoop in and save us here, you’re delusional. Stop trying to make Ivanka Trump as a “Savior To Women” happen. It’s not going to happen.