It’s no secret from my many articles on the subject that I’m a Bravoholic with an affinity for all things Real Housewives. And while I didn’t think my appreciation for these women could get any deeper, I’ve been especially thankful for them while battling bouts of boredom and anxiety in self-quarantine. In honor of Mother’s Day this Sunday, it’s only right that we pay tribute to the amazing women that not only gave life to our Housewives, but who have made a lasting impression in their own right while appearing onscreen.
10. Ms. Diane, ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’
Ms. Diane is an angel. She ranks this high on the list because she’s one of the most normal and seemingly sane mothers this franchise has ever seen. Her calm demeanor and unwavering support of Porsha through everything from the divorce from Kordell to the infidelities of The Hot Dog King is truly heartwarming. Porsha is one of the few lucky ones.
9. Judy Stirling, ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’
Lydia’s mom, Judy, made an immediate impression when she breezed her way into the OC from what seemed like another planet entirely. She sprinkled fairy dust on her grown daughter, smoked a ton of pot, and even managed to get into it with Vicki’s aggro son-in-law over having her feet on Vicki’s couch. In short, she was a lot more interesting memorable than Lydia.
8. Dr. Deb, ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’
Dr. Deb is what you would get if you swapped out Judy’s weed for acid and proceeded to have a really bad trip at Burning Man. When she first appeared on the show, Dr. Deb intrigued viewers with her multicolored dreadlocks and general IDGAF attitude. She really got into the mix last season at “OC Fashion Week” (I refuse to believe that’s a thing) by fighting with another attendant and allegedly using a racial slur. Clearly used to chaos, it’s no wonder Braunwyn decided to have seven kids.
7. Ms. Dorothy, ‘Real Housewives of Potomac’
Ms. Dorothy made an impression from the moment we met her in season 3. Between her monthly stays at the house she bought for with Candiace and Chris and her attempts to control every aspect of their wedding, this therapist seems to have a blind spot when it comes to respecting boundaries with her daughter. Last season she took this to another level by slapping Candiace upside the head with a purse. It be ya own mother.
6. Lois Rinna, ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’
When we first met Lois, she charmed us with her happy-go-lucky attitude and positive energy. Little did we know that this ray of sunshine nearly died after surviving an attack by a literal serial killer. And not only did she survive that, she also managed to sit through dinner while Camille defended Brett Kavanaugh and served us some epic facial expressions like this in the process:
5. Marge Sr., ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’
As if Marge Jr. weren’t enough of a gift to the show when she was cast in season 8, we got the added bonus of Marge Sr. Dating well into her seventies and even admitting that she’s had sex in a cemetery, Marge Sr. is the Hungarian Samantha Jones. We have no choice but to stan.
4. Mama Elsa, ‘Real Housewives of Miami’
Almost exactly one year ago, the world lost a legend. Mama Elsa was the indisputable star of the otherwise lackluster Real Housewives of Miami. With her strong Cuban accent, flair for drama, and witchy sensibilities, she stole every scene and gave us so many hilarious moments. The world was a wonder while she was here.
3. Dale Mercer, ‘Real Housewives of New York’
Regardless of whether Tinsley decides to return to RHONY, her mother Dale would be a welcome addition to the show. She never misses an opportunity to shade her own daughter, whether it’s pointing out to Tinsley that she’s wearing shoes designed by Tinsley’s ex-husband’s new wife, or implying that her relationship with Scott is doomed. And, of course, we can never forget her indulging Tinsley’s crazy and crying with her over Tinsley’s frozen eggs “babies” while Tinsley tries on wedding dresses despite not actually being engaged.
2. Mama Dee, ‘Real Housewives of Dallas’
Speaking of women that take pleasure in shading the hell out of their spawn, no one does it like Mama Dee. Watching D’Andra squirm while asking her mom for more money to let her take over the business and Dee revel in the power dynamic is truly captivating television. Is this a healthy mother-daughter dynamic? No, but I really don’t give a dog’s rip.
1. Mama Joyce, ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’
Love her or hate her, Mama Joyce is the G.O.A.T. of outrageous Real Housewives moms. She never misses an opportunity to harass her son-in-law, whether it’s butchering the lyrics to “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” to make a threat, or recounting a childhood trauma about a lunchbox to allude to her distrust of him. The thirst doesn’t stop there. She tried using a shoe as a weapon against Carmon during Kandi’s wedding dress shopping trip, and put on an actual trench coat to dig up dirt on Phaedra, giving us this iconic moment:
She may be a monster hellbent on destroying anyone that gets too close to her daughter’s money, but she’s given us some incredible moments in the process.
Whether you love them or hate them, there’s no denying that the moms on this list make for great TV. Which Real Housewives mom is your favorite? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Bravo (2); Tenor (5); Trash Talk TV; 1drdeb / Instagram; Giphy (2)
There are a number of traits that all good Real Housewives have in common. An aspirational lifestyle, a highly suspect business venture, and a toxic husband are par for the course, but what really sets a Housewife apart from her castmates is the ability to deftly lob an insult, especially at another Housewife. This requires quick thinking and a way with the English language that few of us mere mortals possess, and when it’s done right, the results are simply magical. Below, I’ve rounded up some of the best Real Housewives zingers in history and provided real life scenarios where you can use them, so you too can feel like a friend of seasoned Housewife. You’re welcome.
“Well, Even Louis Vuitton Makes Mistakes”
Whether you love her or hate her, you can’t deny that Luann has had some of the most iconic lines in the history of The Real Housewives of New York. One of her absolute best came in season 4 when insulting castmate Alex McCord’s “Herman Munster shoes.” Alex immediately clapped back saying they were Louis Vuitton, and without missing a beat, Luann gave us this gem of a comeback, both winning the argument and proving she belongs in the Housewives Hall of Fame.
When To Use It: We’ve all known someone who never misses an opportunity to brag about the various labels they’re wearing. Next time Dorit that person pipes up, you can hit them with a variation of this epic line. For example:
Dorit: OMG could you die over this new purse?! It’s Gucci!
You: Well, even Gucci makes mistakes.
“, You Bald-Headed Scallywag”
OK, so Marlo may not technically be a Housewife, but she is putting in more work this season than many a cast member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta (looking at you, NeNe). She’s long overdue for her peach, and no moment proved this more than in a recent episode on the cast trip to Toronto. As SnakeGate continued to unfold, the entire cast seemed to get into it with each other, with Marlo and Cynthia going head to head about the accusation that someone recorded Cynthia talking smack about NeNe. Cynthia loses it and goes off on Marlo, and out of the clear blue, Marlo refers to Cynthia as a “bald-headed scallywag.” The creativity in busting out a term not used in the mainstream lexicon since the wake of the Civil War leaves me no choice but to stan.
When To Use It: Although Marlo was referring to Cynthia, another woman, I think this jab would work perfectly for that f*ckboy in your life who you’re not quite ready to cut, but who continues to annoy you with his games. If he’s bald or balding, great. If not, then you can take a page out of his textbook with a neg that will surely have him considering a Rogaine purchase. The exchange could go something like this:
F*ckboy: Sry, forgot to press send. U comin over later?
You: Chad, you bald-headed scallywag
“Not Well, Bitch!”
Although Dorinda joined The Real Housewives of New York in season 7, it feels like she’s been there from the beginning. In just a few seasons she has become a fan favorite, and her incredible one-liners have everything to do with it. In season 9 she gave us this wonderfully versatile response when asked by Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell, of all people, how she was doing after a particularly heated argument with castmate Sonja Morgan. In turn, we were gifted this simple, yet incredibly effective phrase. Dorinda, we thank you for your service.
When To Use It: The beauty of this one is that it can be used in so many different scenarios to capture your mood. The “I’ll tell ya how I’m doing” preamble is optional, but when you use it, it hits so much harder. Either way, it’s a fantastic way to shut up that annoying co-worker Karen who cheerfully asks you how you’re doing at 9:03am on Monday before you’ve even had a sip of your iced coffee. Or it’s a perfect response to the group chat attempting to piece together a blackout girls’ night. Like so:
Jackie (to the group): Really hurting this morning. How are you guys doing?
You: I’ll tell ya how I’m doing: not well, bitch!
“I Don’t Know If She Wants To Be Me, Or Skin Me And Wear Me Like Last Year’s Versace.”
Dina Manzo only appeared on the first two seasons of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (and randomly season 6), but she will always be remembered for her biting zingers, chief among them being her description of the one and only Beverly Ann Merrill Danielle Staub in season 1. After a bizarre encounter where Danielle hugged Dina over and over and awkwardly complimented her boobs, Dina delivered this perfect description of Danielle’s strange obsession with her. We miss you, Dina.
When To Use It: This line is best used when you want to highlight the Single White Female in your life who is seemingly always around and annoying the ever-loving shit out of you. Whether she keeps going after the guys you like, insincerely compliments you in a backhanded way, or is always showing up to frat parties in a sad variation of your outfit from last week, you can describe her as such:
Your Bestie: What’s up with Hannah? She’s basically wearing the same dress you wore last weekend.
You: I don’t know if she wants to be me, or skin me and wear me like last year’s Versace.
“Is Your Ass Jealous Of The Sh*t That Comes Out Of Your Mouth?”
I can’t say I’m going to miss Tamra now that she’s gone, but she did leave us with some truly memorable jabs. Tamra does her best work when she’s angry (never forget Jesus Jugs) and she exploded during the season 6 reunion when she sensed that Gretchen was being less than truthful, giving us this truly excellent insult. RIP, Tammy Sue.
When To Use It: This one comes in handy whenever you want to call bullsh*t on someone who is obviously lying. Of course, you can use it for more serious lies like Tamra did, but it also works when you want to joke around with someone close to you about a more harmless lie. Case in point:
You: Hey, just got here. What’s your ETA?
Friend (just got out of the shower): On my way!
You: Does your ass get jealous of the sh*t that comes out of your mouth?
Of course, there are far too many incredible Housewives insults and many of the very best had to be left off this list. What are some of your favorites and how would you use them in the real world? Sound off in the comments. Until then:
Images: Bravo; Tenor (2); Giphy (4)
There are so many things I love about watching The Real Housewives franchise that it’s impossible to name them all. (Well, it is possible, but I have a job and a social life that I’d like to get back to at some point.) Besides the goldmine of drama that presents the perfect contrast to my boring life, and the insanely rich lifestyles and fabulous wardrobes that have me crying tears of jealousy, my favorite thing about watching the Real Housewives is seeing them go to embarrassing lengths to
make a buck chase their dreams. Whether it means pretending they can sing in front of an audience of millions (they can never sing), or slapping their name on the nearest bottle of alcohol, it’s always fun to see what these women will come up with to grab a little more cash on top of their Bravoc checks. I mean, you gotta have a fallback plan once Andy Cohen gets bored and fires you! And since we can’t all be SkinnyGirl, you’ve probably forgotten about most of these cash grabs businesses—which is why I’m here to remind you, in all their glory.
Pop Of Color By Kristen Taekman
Kristen Taekman was only on RHONY for two seasons, but she wasted no time diving into the beauty business, launching her own line of nail polish called Pop of Color (inventive name). And by launching her own line, I mean her husband Josh bought her a business. And by bought her a business, I don’t mean paid for her start-up fee for some MLM company, unlike every other girl from your high school who pushes her nail polish wraps on Facebook. In classic Housewives fashion, Kristen’s business venture caused drama, when Bethenny called her dumb for not trademarking the name of her company. I mean, was she wrong? If anyone knows about being housewife with a successful business, it’s Bethenny.
Gretchen Christine Collection
Gretchen Rossi was an all-star OC housewife for five seasons, and she made sure to kickstart her personal brand before getting booted from the show. What started out as a handbag line that was definitely just a manufactured plot line for the show has become a lifestyle brand featuring jewelry, cosmetics, and hair tools. Gretchen Christine Collection was recently acquired by a global portfolio of luxury brands, so hopefully she cashed a nice check to make up for Slade not having a job. She shared the news on her Facebook page, giving full credit to God for the line’s success: “So today and always I will say thank you Lord for blessing me and my business because I remained faithful even during the difficult times.” Yes, God definitely ignored the needs of the poor and sick to help your handbag line become successful. These days, Gretchen spends most of her time Facetuning her baby, and desperately wishing Bravo wanted her back.
Melissa Gorga’s Singing Career
Melissa Gorga was not the first Bravolebrity or housewife to attempt a singing career (@Scheana and @Countess) and she certainly wasn’t the last. Melissa’s impending music stardom was a plot line for like, two whole seasons of RHONJ, and it’s wild to remember that she literally performed for Ryan Seacrest. What a time to be alive. The most interesting part of this storyline was actually Joe’s insistence that Melissa not leave the house, prompting him to build her a recording studio in the basement. It’s like Beauty and the Beast, but with sh*tty dance singles instead of books. Low-key, I still listen to “On Display” more than I’d like to admit, so I’m always hopeful we’ll see Melissa return to the studio… which is theoretically still in her basement?
Adrienne Maloof’s Zing Vodka
There have quite literally been too many Bravolebrity alcohol brands to count, but not all of them are created equal. For every SkinnyGirl Margarita or Vanderpump Rosé, you’ve got half a dozen brands that once served as a plot line, never to be heard of again. Take, for example, Adrienne Maloof’s red velvet-flavored vodka, the thought of which makes me throw up in my mouth. Marked by an extravagant launch party, at which Adrienne’s soon-to-be-ex Paul dressed up as one of the naked tree statues (2012 was crazy), no one ever really expected this to be a hit. But the final nail in the coffin for Zing Vodka? Chris Brown was the creative director. Lol, I’m f*cking done.
SHE by Shereé
The RHOA alum’s athleisure/jogger/sweatpants collection has basically been in the works since Kim Kardashian was married to Kris Humphries. From hosting a “fashion show with no fashions” to clarifying the launch date as “September/Spring/Summer,” we’ve been waiting on SHE by Shereé for a full decade, and there’s no end in sight. Currently, her website just features a homemade video of Shereé and some models wearing athleisure, and an about page that claims the line is coming “by 2022.” Basically, this sh*t doesn’t actually exist, and it probably never will. Her “Who Gon’ Check Me Boo” t-shirt (which is actually a Hanes shirt, lmao) is listed on the Nordstrom website, but it’s sold out. Classic.
Sonja Morgan’s Toaster Oven
Amelia Earhart, the lost island of Atlantis, the death of Jeffrey Epstein. These are just a few of the world’s greatest mysteries, and Sonja Morgan’s toaster oven might be the most curious one of them all. On the show, we saw Heather Thomson help her with the branding and logo, we saw a photo shoot that involved a prototype, and in 2016, she even told Forbes it was still in the works! Personally, I have my doubts, and I’m not the only one. The RHONY ladies were pretty relentless in asking her about the toaster oven progress, but never really got a straight answer. Let’s just agree that it’s never coming out, and move on with our lives. Sonja has always been a hustler, with other business including her clothing line, her event planning company, and the controversially-named Tipsy Girl Prosecco debuting to varied levels of success. Whatever, she’s delusional, and we love her for it.
Honestly, Alexis Bellino is an icon, and watching her launch a dress line with absolutely no fashion knowledge was a f*cking delight. Sure, she had no design background and couldn’t even give a solid definition of the word “couture” on the show, but she did the damn thing anyway. Actually, I’m not sure that the company ever really got off the ground, but she sure talked about it a lot. Alexis Couture was even less successful than her painful Fox 5 hosting segments, which is saying something. God, I love this woman.
Milania Hair Care
Teresa Giudice has always been a hustler, and she’s on stranger to slapping her name (or one of her daughter’s names) onto a product that makes no sense. Her hair care line was one of many products that screeched to a halt when she got indicted for fraud, but not before she got sued for copyright infringement by a company called Milani Hair Care, which just happened to be run by Alexis Bellino’s friend. It’s all one vicious cycle. Other *chef’s kiss* businesses from Teresa include her failed Italian restaurant with her brother, her many cookbooks, and of course…
Don’t ever let anyone tell you Teresa isn’t a mogul. Teresa tried her own hand at the alcohol business, with Fabellini, a line of peach- and raspberry-flavored Prosecco. I never had the privilege of trying it, but that honestly sounds like it would make me throw up. The business shut down in 2014 due to Teresa’s legal issues, but thankfully we can still enjoy the incredible Fabellini commercial. It’s full of flavor!
Housewives love the chance to slap their names on an alcohol bottle, and the OG of the OC is no exception. Vicki decided too launch a vodka brand with Brooks Ayers (yikes), and shockingly, it wasn’t a success. I guess the world just didn’t need another reality star’s sh*tty vodka. Ultimately, the vodka business failed, and Vicki and Brooks were sued by their partner for breach of contract. I have a feeling Brooks’ business dealings are just as shady as his fake cancer.
Wines By Wives
Around the same time that Vicki was launching her vodka, she was also partnering with Tamra on a wine subscription service, Wines by Wives. Because why make your own wine, when you can just pick bottles to send to people?! The wine service provided a weak excuse for a “trip” to Malibu in season 8 to taste wines, but Vicki and Tamra got in a fight because Tamra said Vicki was prioritizing her vodka over the wine club. You love to see competing businesses!
Lisa Vanderpump has had a ton of success with her restaurants, but I’m not sure her shoe line ever actually got off the ground. Originally announced in 2011, The Vanderpump shoe was “a suede and Swarovski crystals closed-toe combination that stands on a five-and-three-quarter-inches heel in pink or black.” Sounds very 2011. The shoe was supposed to retail for a disgusting $900, but it’s unclear if they ever actually made it to retail. Personally, I’d rather wear a Maloof Hoof.
Kathy’s Cannoli Kits
Kathy Wakile was never a business titan like her cousins Kathy and Melissa, but she still tried. On RHONJ, we saw her develop a line of DIY cannoli kits, because that’s apparently something people want? Idk. Kathy is actually still selling the cannoli kits on her website ($40 seems kind of expensive?), but they’re actually from another company, and QVC sells the same one. I have no idea if Kathy is making any money off of this, but I really hope so.
The L’Infinity Dress
We’ve seen tons of Bravolebrities do clothing lines, but none were quite as ridiculous as LeeAnne Locken’s L’Infinity Dress. The base dress was a cute LBD, but it came with snap-on attachments that allowed it to be worn 175 different ways. Most of them are ugly AF, but whatever. Of course, true fans will remember the Thailand trip, when D’Andra showed up to dinner in the dress, and caused some major drama because she made fun of it. As of today, the L’Infinity website doesn’t seem to be working, so maybe that business stalled along with LeeAnne’s career as a housewife…
I could literally go on for days about these failed business enterprises. I mean, just the alcohol brands could be an article by themselves—looking at you, Ramona, Brandi Glanville, and plenty of others. And that’s just Real Housewives! Who could forget Jax Taylor’s Just Add X drink line? Everyone, that’s who could forget. As long as these desperate women stay on TV, they’ll keep coming out with these low-effort, high-embarrassment business ventures, and I, for one, can’t wait to see what comes next.
Images: lev radin / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (7); Bravo; realitytvgifs / Tumblr; Page Six / YouTube
Just weeks ago, a grown woman was caught on film having a meltdown while on the job. She yelled at her boss, suggested that she was the reason for his success, and publicly shamed a coworker with same-sex proclivities, saying, “We don’t do that” and “Turn it down!” In any other functional workplace, this behavior would get a person immediately fired, but in Real Housewives land it gets you ratings and a promotion. Of course, this isn’t the first time Vicki Gunvalson has gone off the rails, but it is the first time it has felt like a palpable line had been crossed. After her entitled and delusional outbursts at The Real Housewives of Orange County season 14 reunion, it became clear that she had fallen prey to some classic Real Housewife pre-retirement symptoms, suffered by many fellow Housewives, past and present. Read on for the signs a Real Housewife should leave the party.
1. Not Fully Participating in Filming and Reunions
There are always going to be parts of our jobs that we don’t like, for example, having to interact with other human beings partnering with coworkers on group projects. However, we’re paid to fully execute our responsibilities, and a Housewife’s duties are no different. This means showing up to all filming obligations, regardless of whether you feel like it or are getting along with your fellow castmates. Unfortunately, Lisa Vanderpump didn’t seem to understand this concept throughout season 9 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, when she just decided to stop filming midway through and chicken out on the reunion because she wasn’t getting along with the other women. It’s no wonder she was fired won’t return for the upcoming season. NeNe Leakes is also currently suffering from a similar delusion on this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She’s barely been a presence and is leaving the heavy lifting to “friends of” like Marlo Hampton. It’s like asking an intern to bear your entire workload. Aspirational, but not how it actually works. If the Bravo execs have any sense, they’ll give Ms. Leakes her walking papers.
2. Forgetting The Show Is An Ensemble Effort
It’s natural that in any season there are going to be fan favorites and breakout stars. But Housewives get into trouble when they start believing their own hype and convincing themselves that they are the stars of their shows and their fellow castmates are merely supporting players. Vicki demonstrated this over and over again on the season 14 reunion, constantly making references to “my show” and saying “Get her off my show!” in reference to Braunwyn. Teresa Giudice is also guilty of using similar language on multiple occasions. What both Vicki and Teresa fail to realize is that they are on a show that thrives—nay, depends—on the interactions between cast members. Unless you’re Bethenny Frankel, you’re not compelling enough to carry your own show. Suck it up and know your role before you find yourself out of a job.
3. Crossing Moral And/Or Legal Boundaries
As Housewife fans, we live for drama, but when that drama derives from behavior that is immoral or downright illegal, it becomes hard to stand by the Housewife in question. We can never forget Vicki’s entanglement with real-life Dirty John Brooks Ayers, who spent the bulk of season 10 perpetrating a cancer scam, and although she was fully aware of this claimed to know nothing about it, she lost a lot of her luster with fans and the storyline was widely considered a low point for the series. Behavior that goes even further and ventures into criminal territory will get you fired, as Phaedra Parks learned after the revelation during the season 9 Atlanta reunion that Phaedra spread defamatory rumors claiming Kandi and Todd wanted to drug Porsha in order to take advantage of her. Attorney Phaedra should have known better than anyone that no one wants to deal with lawyers.
4. Being Inauthentic
We’ve all deduced by now that “reality” television is hardly real in the way, say, documentary footage or live news reporting is real. Plots need to be fleshed out, and at times that leads to storylines that can come off a bit contrived. However, when a Housewife herself is inauthentic, it’s a deal-breaker, and a telltale sign that she has no business being on the show. Tamra Judge on Orange County is a perfect current example. A woman who was once a pot-stirring firecracker prone to taking her top off is now, over a decade later, a pot-stirring firecracker prone to taking her top off. Only now it’s no longer novel and comes off as a desperate attempt to stay relevant on a show that is evolving without her. Another party guilty of inauthenticity of a different type is Dorit Kemsley on Beverly Hills. Forgetting about her put-on accent, Dorit’s refusal to air any of her real-life controversies makes her one of the phoniest Housewives we’ve ever had. It’s unclear what she brings to the show, other than a piggish husband and a penchant for over-the-top, label-displaying fashion she can’t actually afford. Yawn.
5. Avoiding Drama
Just like part of the job is showing up to filming at the appointed times, another integral part of being a Housewife is getting into it with other Housewives. Yet, year after year, there are always several women who complain that they “don’t want any drama” and refuse to go toe-to-toe with the others. In fact, aside from Puppygate, the entire cast of Beverly Hills built a whole season around this ethos, leaving us with one of the most boring seasons of the show we’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something). Even Namaste Teresa is a shell of the table-flipping, prostitution-whore-calling woman she once was, staying out of the fray and letting other people like Danielle Staub do her bidding. One might say this is growth and one might be right, but we all know dignity and maturity have no place on reality television. If I wanted to watch respectful and thoughtful people politely interact with one another, I’d put on The Great British Bake Off. Pick a lane, people!
It will be interesting to see what Bravo does with its OGs, who are some of the worst offenders when it comes to this list. While there’s something comforting about keeping around those who have been there from the beginning, getting rid of the women who aren’t pulling their weight keeps the others on their toes, especially those who lack the self-awareness to course-correct like Lisa Rinna, who does her best despite her drama-eschewing castmates. What other signs are there that a Housewife needs to go and who do you think needs to get off our screens? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Paul Morigi/Getty Images; Giphy (4); Tenor (1)
Any Real Housewives Bravoholic knows that our ladies are at their best when they go on vacation. Something about the change of scenery and being out of their element makes these already unhinged women go completely off the rails, and there’s beauty in the breakdown. But which trips deserve a spot in the top tier of the Real Housewives canon? Fortunately for you, I’ve done the lord’s work and broken down the most iconic trips in Real Housewives history.
10. Hong Kong, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 7
This trip is a standout for two primary reasons. The first is Ms. Erika Jayne’s completely over-the-top “You don’t know what I deal with every night!” freakout at Eileen, which may be the most emotion we’ve seen from Erika, well, ever. The second is Lisa Rinna’s accusation that Dorit was doing coke in her bathroom at a recent party. It came completely out of left field and is totally may not be true, but cut with the producer’s footage from that night, was one of the realest moments we’ve seen on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And that’s saying something.
9. Whistler, Real Housewives of Orange County Season 8
Despite her demotion to “friend of” this season, there’s a reason that Vicki Gunvalson is the OG of the OC, and the cast’s trip to Whistler in season 8 is a perfect example. After Lauri accuses Vicki of having a threesome at an insurance conference, Vicki reacts in a way that can only be described as, “not well, bitch!” Vicki in full ski gear screaming “I HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS IN MY LIFE!” will haunt me for the rest of my days.
8. Anguilla, Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 5
This trip cemented Kenya Moore’s status as one of the greatest Housewives of all time. Upon arriving in Anguilla, she somehow manages to take control of the boat and tells everyone to “hold onto your weaves!” She then proceeds to throw a tantrum at the hotel when she finds out her room does not have a bathtub. As if she hasn’t contributed more in this episode than the entire cast of Beverly Hills has in several seasons, she gets into an epic brawl with Porsha that culminates in her proclaiming, “I’m Gone With the Wind fabulous!” and twirling away. For that, I am forever indebted to her.
7. Marrakech, Real Housewives of New York Season 4
There were so many unforgettable moments on this trip. A fortune teller predicting (what we now know is correctly) that Mario was cheating on Ramona. The camel being so sick of the Countess’ pretentious bullsh*t that it tried to buck her off two separate times. The most Ramotional fit of crying ever to be seen on national television. And finally, Alex trying to confront Luann in her “Herman Munster shoes” like a “buffalo,” only to be thwarted by Kelly’s constant demands that she “re-enter” because she’s “not authentic” and Luann saying, “Go back to the cabinet you came out of, witch.” So good.
6. Lake George, Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5
The Gorga-Giudice dynamic is arguably the most compelling part of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The tension between the two families reached a pinnacle on the cast trip to Lake George in season 5. Melissa literally gets on her knees and begs Teresa to “stop hurting us!” Then, after accusing her brother of being disloyal, Joe Gorga calls Teresa “scum,” triggering an epic Battle of the Joes that leaves these two grown men wrestling on the floor and the venue forever stained with Joe Gorga’s black spray-on hair dye.
5. Turks and Caicos, Real Housewives of New York Season 7
Despite how insufferable Luann has been in recent seasons, I can never completely forsake her. This trip is the reason. Hungover and clad in a white bathrobe and sunglasses, Luann is confronted by Heather about an unattended naked man in their house. Luann simply responds, “Be cool. Don’t be all, like, uncool.” She gives negative f*cks and it is not just a mood, it is the mood. This star turn allowed Luann, who’d been demoted to “friend of” that season, to ascend right back to a full-time cast member the following season, where she rightfully belongs. I stan.
4. Amsterdam, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 5
If the women of Beverly Hills could give up the dog drama and channel some of the energy from the season 5 trip to Amsterdam, we’d be back in business. Brandi, who I sorely miss, slaps LVP. In another scene, Kim goes in on Rinna, implying that she knows something untoward about Rinna’s husband. Eileen tries to intervene, but Kim snaps and calls her a beast. Eileen summons her years as a storied soap opera star and responds with the perfect “Beast? How dare you.” Kyle literally flees the entire restaurant, too overwhelmed to deal even a little bit. And if that wasn’t enough, Rinna smashes a glass on the table. It’s heaven.
3. The Berkshires, Real Housewives of New York Season 8
They don’t call it the Berzerkshires for nothing. Though the ladies have been there several times now, this is the one that will go down in history. Bethenny mercilessly takes down Luann for sleeping around and not owning it, screaming “You f*ck EVERYONE!” and calling her every synonym for “slut” in the thesaurus. Just when we think things may finally calm down, Luann makes the fatal mistake of insulting Dorinda’s mom’s cake, sending Dorinda into an epic tirade that will live on in Housewives history: “I decorated, I cooked, I made it NICE!”
2. Cartagena, Real Housewives of New York Season 10
Just when we think the New York ladies have peaked, they outdo themselves. This trip has it all: not one, but two fights happening simultaneously at a dinner table, a drunken Dorinda slurring her words with red lipstick smeared across her face, a boat ride so frightening that the women fear for their lives and nearly sh*t themselves, and, finally, a bout of food poisoning that causes almost all of them to actually sh*t themselves.
1. St. John aka Scary Island, Real Housewives of New York Season 3
No one travels better than the women of The Real Housewives of New York, and this trip is the jewel in the crown. There are so many quotable moments that it would be virtually impossible to list them all. Jill Zarin’s “HAAHHAIIIIIIII” as she crashes the trip is bone-chilling. Alex’s attempt to walk seductively during Kelly’s “photoshoot” while channeling her “Johan face” was blood-curdling. But nothing was more frightening than Kelly’s complete and utter mental breakdown “breakthrough” where she rambled on about Al Sharpton, satchels of gold, and jelly beans. I couldn’t GO TO SLEEP even if I tried. At least among all of the darkness we had Turtle Time.
St. Barth, Real Housewives of New York Season 5
“TAKE A XANAX, CALM DOWNNN!”
Beaver Creek, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 2
Taylor in a suitcase.
The Berkshires, Real Housewives of New York Season 6
“Who are you to get me wet?”
Cape Town, Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 4
Shereé and Marlo’s fight, comprised entirely of unintelligible shrieks.
Bali, Real Housewives of Orange County Season 9
Lizzie provoking Tamra to run away and threaten that we would never see her face again (unfortunately she did not make good on that promise) should have earned Lizzie another season.
Of course, only crowning 10 trips with this distinguished honor means that some memorable trips had to be left out. Which were your favorite trips? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (9)
Now, you’re probably wondering what is a “one and done”? This is what I call a housewife who is only on for one season and then fired. Some need to go ASAP, and Bravo usually does a good job at realizing who has staying power and who doesn’t. But there are some who I feel deserved a second chance. It is hard for any housewife to come on and join an already established cast, especially when some cities have been on TV for 10+ years.
What is the perfect recipe for a good housewife? You have to be confrontational, or at least opinionated in confessionals (Carole Radziwill was so good at this). And personally, I love someone who isn’t afraid to show her entire life and really open up. Shannon Storms Beador (Storms is her maiden name and I’m obsessed with it) is a perfect example of someone who came on to the show and literally showed us everything, from her ex husband’s affair, to her weight gain. And that’s why people relate to her, because she is super raw. Another thing that makes a great new housewife is there ability to be self-aware. This isn’t a super common trait we see, but when we do, we take notice. Bethenny Frankel, Gizelle Bryant, and Margret Josephs are great at this. And that’s why they will be in the Real Housewives hall of fame.
The Real Housewives of New York City: Jules Wainstein
Guys, I loved Jules. I think she is one of the most underrated housewives of all time. TBH, a trailblazer. She was the first housewife to ever come out and be honest about having an eating disorder. It was amazing to see how she was incredibly raw and honest about it. At times it could be triggering because, as she stated on the show, you’re always in recovery and it is a daily battle. Also, she and her husband Michael had what I call the “Kelsey Grammer” syndrome, meaning he pushed her to do the show while he had an affair so she wasn’t so focused on what he was doing. They filed for divorce shortly after the show wrapped. I would’ve just loved to see single Jules coming out on the other end of a divorce and balancing motherhood with her business Modern Alkeme. I will welcome her back with open arms at any time.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Kathryn Edwards
Hear me out. Kathryn deserved a second season. She had a deep connection to Faye Resnick (Kyle Richards’ controversial BFF), and that connection is OJ Simpson. The whole OJ trial actually always seems to run under the surface in this group due to their location, and they’re all one degree of separation from the Kardashians. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, literally ever. She sat down for dinner at Kyle’s BBQ and immediately went in on Faye’s book she wrote, where she insuated that Marcus Allen (OJ’s best friend) was having an affair with Nicole Brown Simpson, and that Kathryn was the “kind of woman who turned a blind eye to adultery.” Also, her husband was super hot, and we all need a little eye candy.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Claudia Jordan
Truthfully, this is the one that puzzles me the most. WHY WASN’T SHE BROUGHT BACK!? I will never understand it. She brought it all, she had glam, was down to earth, was outspoken. AND. Let us not forget one of the most iconic reads in history of RHOA, when she came for NeNe Leakes and her “ramen noodle hair”. When I tell you I let out an audible gasp. I had never seen anyone come for NeNe like that, and successfully. She is one of the only people on the show besides my queen, Phaedra Parks, who I felt had the wit and sophistication to take down the OG of RHOA. It was truly a moment that should be studied in the history books of reality television.
The Real Housewives of D.C.
This cast walked so Potomac could run. Andy has said in the past that he wanted to bring it back for a second season, but the whole White House Gate-crashing situation kind of left a “stink” on the show. But I would’ve watched regardless. Michaele Salahi and her husband at the time, Tariq, were essentially cons and some how finagled their way into Barack Obama’s first White House State Dinner, and then had to testify before the Congressional committee in which they invoked their fifth amendment rights. Also, Michaele said she was a Washington Redskins cheerleader, but got caught in that lie as well when she could provide no proof that she was.
We gave Real Housewives of Miami three chances, and did they have someone break into the White House State Dinner? I don’t think so. And Cat was my favorite—she’s British and has an incredibly dry sense of humor that I just really appreciated. And her husband was the White House’s photographer until he filed for divorce from Cat, and she was left in D.C with her daughters and was given no explanation. I’m bitter that they never got their second chance. But then again, because of them we have the second best show on television, The Real Housewives of Potomac.
Images: Giphy (4)
NeNe Leakes is coming back to Real Housewives of Atlanta next month, and it looks like we can expect plenty of drama from the new season. Even thought the season premiere is still weeks away, NeNe and Kim Zolciak are already getting messy over social media, and Kim’s daughter and younger clone, Brielle, is getting involved too.
Kim and NeNe have always had a…um…rocky relationship, and the drama picked right back up last week. The whole thing started because Brielle implied that there were cockroaches in NeNe’s bathroom. There were also two videos of the alleged cockroaches, which we didn’t actually watch because we live in constant fear of bugs taking over our lives.
NeNe wasn’t so thrilled with the cockroach accusations, and decided to start calling Kim and Brielle racist for making up such a ridiculous story. Now, we’re not like professional fact-checkers or anything, but the racist thing seems a little bit random. Like, maybe Kim and Brielle are racists for other reasons, but these accusations by themselves do not seem to amount to racism, unless we missed something here.
Also, can I just say that as someone who lived in Atlanta for many years, you could literally live inside a giant Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and STILL get cockroaches? Atlanta is a humid breeding ground for these bugs; they are everywhere; it’s really not that serious.
Anyway. NeNe also said that Brielle should “go somewhere and let the air outta those fake lips, fake titties and fake ass because you will never be @kylejenner.” We’re literally crying this is so good. Also, NeNe mistakenly tagged Kyle Jenner instead of Kylie, because she obviously is too busy coming up with sick burns to check her spelling. Even so, I can’t let go of the feeling that it’s weird to be a full-grown woman with children attacking a 20-year-old on social media (says the girl who regularly hates on Bella Thorne for a living).
We’re not done. NeNe then posted multiple other items calling Kim and Brielle racists, and they predictably didn’t love that. Now it turns out that Kim has hired lawyers (how did she not already have lawyers) to help deal with the situation, which means things could really get ugly. Okay, we’re kind of living for this. What a shit show. Good luck proving you’re not a racist to the courts, Kim; that seems like a very abstract task. Plus, I’m pretty sure hiring a lawyer because someone called you racist is peak white people shit.
Unfortunately, Kim and Brielle might not be helping their legal case, because they’ve since gone on Twitter to claim that NeNe has a prescription pill addiction. The pair posted some very thinly veiled subtweets because this is like middle school or something, and NeNe responded by, you guessed it, calling them racist and white trash.
Don’t worry, we’re still a little confused too. Okay Andy Cohen, you got us, you win, we’ll obviously be watching the new season.
Last week, Andy Cohen and
his band of minions other Bravo execs dropped the trailer for the new season of Real Housewives of Orange County, and, per usual, it looks fucking batshit and therefore amaze. Obvi. They also announced that there will be a new wife joining the crew this season and she will be the 100th “Real” Housewife of all time. Can we just take a minute and think about that? I mean, holy shit that seems like a lot. I can only think of like, 12 off the top of my head. JK. I know every last one of them, but still. It’s a fuck ton. And while most of the women who have come and gone can just stay gone because they were boring AF, there are a few who should def come back for the sake of reality TV. Here’s a list of our fave ex-Real Housewives who can def sit with us.
1. Heather Dubrow
So technically, we haven’t even felt the effects of queen Dubrow’s departure from RHOC yet since the first season without her doesn’t premiere until July. But I can already tell you it’s going to fucking suck. I don’t feel like I’m going out on a limb here when I say the women of Orange County are some of the trashiest of all the franchises. I mean, Tamara and Vicki? Gross. And Heather was the one shred of class the show had and now that’s gone. We always kinda wondered WTF Heather was doing hanging out with these trash bags, and now I guess she’s finally come to her senses. Maybe she and Terry will move to LA and she can join RHOBH—those betches seem more up her alley.
2. Nene Leakes
Nene is arguably one of the greatest housewives of all time. She’s funny AF, all-around fab and can read anyone who crosses her for absolute filth. YASSS girl! She left the show because she was splitting her time between the ATL, LA, and NY because she’s so awesome Hollywood and Broadway stole her away so she could have an actual career. Makes sense, I guess. Rumor has it she might be coming back to RHOA next season, so our wishes might actually come true.
3. Yolanda Foster
Tbh, Yolanda was kind of a snooze. I mean, how much of a grown woman frolicking in a lemon orchard can I even take? But we want her back because we want the inside scoop on her model kids Gigi, Bella, and Anwar. Fucking duh.
4. Dina Manzo
These days, RHONJ is all about Teresa and all her prison drama, but back in the day, Dina Manzo was the OG HBIC of NJ. That’s a lot of letters. She’s absolutely gorgeous and she doesn’t put up with people’s shit, both of which make her a true betch. Every season she’s a part of, there’s always at least one person thirsty to be her bestie (looking at you, Danielle) and given the mental state of the rest of the Jersey wives, it’s pretty easy to see why.
5. Brandi Glanville
Love her or hate her, Brandi was incredible television. She was always drunkenly outing some huge secret or throwing wine in someone’s face or something equally as dramatic and we all lived to see what crazy-ass thing she was going to next. All the wives of Beverly Hills are glad Brandi is gone, but even though RHOBH is still one of the best, it’s way less eventful without her. I mean, a whole season about whether or not Yolanda was lying about having Lyme disease? Yawn. We also owe Brandi for giving us the greatest show of all time: Vanderpump Rules. Look, I get that it’s my namesake’s restaurant but it all started with the epic Brandi/Scheana confrontation. So thank you, Ms. Glanville.
6. Kim Zolciak
Sure, she has her own show on Bravo where we can see her, her big booty husband and their 27 children pretend to be just like us. But it’s not the same as watching Kim get her wig pulled and called a trash box by Nene. Sorry, but those are the facts. Kim and Nene were the two stars of RHOA in the early years, regardless of whether they were the best of friends or literally wanted to kill each other. Both were entertaining AF. Like Nene, rumors have been swirling around that Kim might come back next season which would be the best housewife return since Bethenny in NY.
7. Heather Thomson
I can admit that Heather yelling “Holla!” every five seconds was pretty fucking annoying, but other than that, she was a badass betch. She was Puff Daddy’s right hand girl at Sean John before starting her own company, Yummy Tummy, which is pretty much exactly like Spanx. She was also Carole’s bestie on the show and they can def both sit with us. Heather wasn’t super into the drama, but she did specialize in calling Luann out for fucking a married dude on vacay. And anyone who shits on Luann is cool with me.
8. Camille Grammer
After being the biggest housewife villain of all time in RHOBH’s first season, Camille really mellowed out and became a little boring. But we’d take back season one Camille in a heartbeat. She was conceited AF, threw a v dramatic dinner party and made a cool $30 mill divorcing her fuckboy of a husband, Kelsey Grammer. You go, Glen Coco!