‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion Part 1 Recap: Everyone Shut The F*ck Up

It’s not over yet, Pumpheads. Even though the Vanderpump Rules season 7 finale was last week, we’ve still got three—count ’em, THREE—weeks of reunions to get through. I truly can’t wait. It looks like things are going to get completely insane.

The way they are introducing the reunion is very annoying, with cuts of the gang getting ready inter-spliced with soundbites of everyone saying their best zingers. I will not be recapping that, and you all can deal, because we’re just going to view those same soundbites at some point anyway over the next three weeks.

Quick recap of the looks: Stassi looks amazing (but also appears to be wearing the same dress she wore in every talking head, and also the dress Kristen wore to get her mail back from Tom Sandoval post-breakup), Ariana looks equally amazing (but looks like she’s wearing the same dress as last year). I don’t actually hate Scheana’s look. Kristen looks a mess (why would she wear a huge silver choker with a glittery gold/copper dress?). Katie for once actually doesn’t look like a complete mess, keeping it simple with a black dress and a nice berry colored lip. Brittany looks like she is about to go to junior prom, but her hair looks great. Lisa looks like she’s about to go ring lead a circus? Which I suppose she is. So on that note, let’s dive in!

Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 1

Andy spends 10 minutes doing a round of introductions, thanking James for bringing his cleft chin. This is like Andy’s roast portion of the evening.

Holy sh*t, Kristen is single at the time of the reunion taping and nobody even knew! However, she already appears to be back with Carter, so really this isn’t even worth pursuing as a line of inquiry.

We open with James’s complete fall from grace this season, and the infamous “Jax f*cked Faith” rap. Lisa asks James if he planned the rap, and he says condescendingly, “No Lisa, I didn’t plan the rap. It was a freestyle.” Jax says, “but out of all the things you could have freestyled and rapped, why did you choose that?” as if he had never said anything regretful in the spur of the moment. And that’s not to excuse James, but to point out, once again, that with the exception of probably Sandoval and Ariana, none of the people in this room have a leg to stand on when it comes to calling each other out for bad behavior.

Andy, thank God, does the Lord’s work and says to Jax that his reason for not forgiving James boiled down to, essentially, “how many mistakes is one person gonna make”? And in Andy’s words, “Jax, isn’t that a little rich coming from you?” Jax gives his oft-spoken speech of trying to be a better person and doing better and blah blah blah. Kristen tries to erase history and claim James was never part of the friend group, when James points out that Kristen put James into this group and show in the first place! If anybody out here reading this still likes Kristen—and I’m talking about current Kristen, not Crazy Kristen of days of yore—you’re not going to like this recap, because she’s officially gotten on my last nerve.

James clearly DGAF that he lost Lala as a friend, because he doesn’t believe that she’s really here for him I guess. Whatever, I don’t care. James has truly gone full cartoon villain status, and I’m both excited and nervous to see what next season brings for him. Kristen butts in for no reason to tell James to stop talking and stick up for Lala so she can keep that PJ invite.

We switch gears to talk about Scheana’s mess of a love life. Scheana says “I just date f*ckboys because they’re fun to hang out with and they’re hot to look at,” which is the best and realest thing Scheana has ever said in her life. She reveals that she and Adam are still hooking up—”hanging and banging,” she calls it—but not dating. I wonder what changed his mind from total revulsion? Was it the penguin?

Then it’s time for the Jax and Brittany show. Jax says that he and Brittany aren’t getting a prenup because he and Brittany are going to be together forever. Yikes. Said everyone who gets screwed over in divorce, ever. Honestly, good for Brittany. Get that bread. This is pretty much exactly the come-up scenario she wanted, so I can’t hate on it.

Lala and Randall are getting a prenup, however. Lala and Randall? Being smart? I am shocked. Andy brings up the fact that Randall has been on Flipping Out and KUWTK and yet, not Vanderpump Rules. Andy begs the question: is it fair that Lala doesn’t show all of her life on the show when everyone else does? Everyone else says no. Scheana tries to say, very diplomatically, that it is not quite fair. Lala’s response? “Find someone with a career.” I see her logic: Randall has a lot more to lose by being on this show—and in fact, history has shown us via Foftygate that on-air admissions could cost him a million dollars! But still, that was kind of harsh to come at innocent Shee-Shu that way.

Stassi tries to say that Beau is just as important as Randall, career-wise, and Beau is still on the show. Yeah, look, I don’t know how the movie business works, but Beau doesn’t have a character on Entourage based off of him, so I’m going to say that as gross as Randall is, Rand is probably more important.

Even Lisa agrees that Lala is being unfair by not putting Randall on the show, especially considering he hangs out with all the cast members (minus James Kennedy, which Kristen unnecessarily points out). I guess, but do we really need another terrible adult on this show of adults acting terribly? I think we’ve hit our quota.

Lala deflects, again, by telling Scheana that she brings sketchy dudes around who just want camera time. Which may very well be true, but how does that take away from everyone’s legitimate criticism that Lala has an unfair advantage by not putting Randall on the show? Oh right, it doesn’t. I swear, if I were half as good at deflection as any of these people, I would get so far in life.

Next we talk about Lisa trash talking Tom Tom. Cool, I still don’t care about this story line, and I never will. At this point I can only hope Tom Tom gets a spin-off so I can willfully not tune in. Tom tries to argue that Sly, with all her decades of experience, can’t compete with Sandoval, who has been working on the cocktail list for six to eight month. Um, I don’t know, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how having decades of industry experience works. Then Ariana asks “well what about the frozen shot machine?” and Lisa spouts off some BS excuse about it not being there when Ken was planning the bar, and then it was too late by the time it came in. Ariana calls out that the frozen shot machine was sitting at the bar for three months, and Lisa just kind of says what I say to my boss when I very clearly f*cked up a big project but don’t want to accept responsibility: “Well, I don’t know!” (half-hearted shrug). This may be the first time we have gotten a glimpse of RHOBH Lisa Vanderpump. Is Frozen Shot Machine Gate the new PuppyGate? Stay tuned for more as Lisa continues to double down.

Then Katie is upset that the Toms have not received a salary. But do they actually even work at the restaurant? Also, it just started. Should they even expect to see any returns after, what, a year at most? I don’t know how these things work, but I don’t think you can expect to take a salary that quickly. At least, that’s what I’ve gathered from watching Shark Tank.

After commercial break, Raquel joins the reunion wearing a crazy dress that I’m sure we have all talked about ad nauseam, so I don’t need to discuss it further here. Instead, I will leave this Instagram upload from James Kennedy about a different dress Raquel recently wore.

 

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? imma put this right here ….. fofty said leave it. #fofmate

A post shared by James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) on

Raquel recently interviewed at SUR and Lisa confirms she will be working there. Katie’s mind is already spinning, trying to think of ways she can play the victim to get her fired. We revisit the rumors that Hope hooked up with James at Coachella, and Raquel says that Hope was never even at the house that they were renting. Hmm. Andy brings up a good point: What would Hope gain by lying that she hooked up with James? 

Raquel then goes into some weird pageant speech about how she started doing pageants because she has social anxiety, but she doesn’t even get to finish delivering her canned monologue because James starts taking shots at Brittany for unknown reasons, implying she’s not beautiful for not being a beauty queen (?) unless I’m looking too far into things. But the way they are scoffing at Raquel for calling herself a beauty queen when she… did pageants… seems petty.

Jax and Brittany immediately start yelling over Raquel. Ariana yells at them to shut up and Jax and Brittany take this as a personal affront. Remember, in this group, you’re only a good friend if you remain blindly loyal at all times, no matter who is in the wrong.

Anyway, back to the cheating rumors. Apparently Lala watched James suck on another girl’s tit at the club, while he was dating Raquel. Number one, is that legal? Can you just do that in public? I need to like, tell somebody about this. 

Ariana, voice of reason, says that James and Raquel considered them moving in together as a fresh start to their relationship. Raquel finally admits that James probably wasn’t completely faithful before they move in together. Andy, new voice of reason and perpetual messy bitch, points to Jax and Brittany and says that sounds a lot like what the two of them went through when Brittany was still living in Kentucky. And even when Brittany was living in LA when Faith was over that one time. Andy didn’t say that last part, that’s just my editorializing.

Katie, of all people, tells Raquel that she doesn’t understand how she can just accept that James cheated and stay with him because it will eat away at her. Katie, whose husband made out with another girl only last year. KATIE. Katie.

James has a moment of hypocrisy that made me laugh out loud, when they talk about how Raquel wanted to go to girls night to get closer with all the girls, but James didn’t want her to.

James: I got over it quickly and you went to the party and everything was cool.
Raquel: No, I didn’t go to the party because you didn’t want me to.
James: Oh, good, I’m glad you didn’t go.

Spoken like every “What’s up ma, you’re beautiful. Oh, you can’t even say hi? F*ck you bitch, you’re fat and ugly anyway”-ass dude out there.

Lala has a moment of redemption when she reveals that part of the reason she is so harsh towards Raquel is because James, one time in Vegas, Lala a c*nt in front of her dad and Raquel didn’t stand up to him. Okay, see, this is putting the “bambi-eyed bitch, you don’t empower other women” day into a lot more perspective. Does it excuse Lala’s actions completely? No, but it provides some healthy context. Sometimes I forget that things happen off-camera that factor into what we see on-camera! And that’s why I am always quick to change my mind with new information. And that, in turn, is why I could never be friends with any of these people.

Stassi tells Raquel that, basically, the girls don’t like that Raquel stands by James. Raquel asks, rhetorically, if they’d all be happier if she would publicly embarrass him.

Me, the girls, Lisa Vanderpump:

I’m truly confused because a comment about Lala lacking basic manners (because she won’t apologize to Raquel, not really how manners work, but fine) turns into James making fun of Jax and Brittany for sh*tting with the door open. I mean, I would too? New York bathrooms are small and leaving the door open gives my knees more room.

Raquel further digs herself into a hole when she tries to double down on her comments that Lala was using her dad’s death as an excuse to treat Raquel poorly and avoid having a conversation she didn’t want to have. Yikes.

Sandoval kind of tries to stick up for Raquel (apparently his dad spent three weeks in a coma, so that gives him the license to speak on this without everyone dog piling on him), and tries to say that his grief didn’t give him license to yell at everyone he didn’t like. We are pretty much split now into to camps: the camp that thinks you need to do whatever you need to do to get over your loss (Jax, Lala, that side of the room), and the side who thinks that grief doesn’t give you a carte-blanche to act however you want without repercussions (Sandoval, Lisa). As a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I really won’t choose a side here, considering I can’t even begin to empathize with Lala or Jax. I will say that this show has just gotten extremely dark, and watching it makes me feel weird now.

Raquel leaves, and we segue into talking about Lisa’s brother passing away.

Andy: How have you been coping?
Lisa: 

She pretty much immediately started crying. Andy is like, “still raw, huh?” YES, ANDY. Clearly it is still raw! Jesus Christ.

Why the f*ck is Kristen crying right now? Honestly she just gets on my nerves because I feel like she tries to d*ck ride everyone to stay on the show.

This sh*t takes an extremely dark turn when we revisit everyone’s dad’s deaths. Neither Jax nor Jenny are speaking to their mom for not informing them their dad was in the ICU. James gets called out for a f*cked up tweet in which he essentially said Jax and Lala need to just get over their dad’s deaths, and this is where James drops a supposed bomb that doesn’t quite hit: that Jax supposedly made a fake Twitter account pretending to be Raquel to spread homophobic rumors about James. Jax, of course, lies about it and acts incredulous. Ariana then pipes up and says Jax’s phone number was connected to the Twitter account! Lol, what a f*cking idiot. Of course he wouldn’t know how to make a burner Google Voice account in order to make a fake Twitter just to publicly disparage someone he hates. Not speaking from experience or anything!

So Jax gets up and gets in James’s face, saying, “you wanna talk about my dad? You wanna talk about my dad?” No, he wants to talk about why you’d make a fake Twitter account, pretending to be Raquel, to disparage James. But good deflection! Jax then calls Raquel a little bitch, which I’m sure everybody is going to let fly because they don’t like Raquel! But if James called one of the women a bitch, they would (rightfully) start World War III. But is Jax going to have any consequences for this? Is Brittany going to get crucified for not putting Jax in his place? Of course not.

James calls Brittany a hillbilly, and Jax is OUTRAGED. He’s like, “so we’re just gonna sit here and allow him to call people hillbillies?” I mean, I don’t know, I guess, considering we’re apparently just going to sit here and let you call people bitches? I’m pretty sure you can say hillbilly on the radio; you can’t say bitch. So let’s not play a game of “which word is a worse insult?”, or I WILL call John Mulaney in here.

Brittany says she’s proud to be a hillbilly, because at least she’s not a sh*tty person like James. Kristen, for literally no reason, starts clapping and yelling “boom, motherfucker, boom.”

No one:
Not a single person:
Seriously, nobody on this planet:
Kristen: BOOM! Yeah bitch, James is over! I did it!

This is, at the heart, why I cannot stand Kristen this season.

Still nobody:
Still not a single person:
Still, seriously, nobody even asked:
Kristen: Nobody’s going to f*ck with my Brittany because she’s the light of my life.

…Ok Kristen.

The remainder of the reunion is basically everyone yelling over James. James calls Jax an old man, Jax gloats about how much better his life is than James’s. James calls Brittany a bitch, and nobody really kills him over it, so perhaps I spoke too soon about the double standard between James and everybody else in this regard. Sandoval tries to sort of stick up for James, or at least, point out why Jax is being hypocritical (I think, I can’t really discern what’s going on over all the yelling), which is where Brittany screams at him to stop because he’s Jax’s best man. Sandoval tries to scream back a justification, and it’s a f*cking fiasco. They’re all yelling. Finally, Andy yells at them all to just shut the f*ck up.

Amen, Andy. Everyone. All of you. Shut the f*ck up.

Until next week.

Did Lala Kent & Randall Emmett Break Up Because Of Foftygate?

It’s been less than 48 hours since Foftygate came to its dramatic conclusion, with Randall Emmett getting 50 Cent his money by Monday, and all of the menacing Instagram posts being taken down. It was an intense weekend, and honestly, I miss the drama. I’m glad Randall didn’t have a heart attack, but I was seriously enjoying 50 Cent just massively trolling Lala and Randall on Instagram. Without Foftygate in my life, things lack meaning, and every time I refresh Instagram, I’m just greeted by obnoxious photos of Bachelor contestants hawking Flat Tummy Tea. Sad times.

But maybe the fallout from Foftygate isn’t completely over. Now, 50 Cent only wishes the best to Randall and his family, and Rand seems to be on the same page. Late last night, Rand took to the ‘gram and addressed the drama of this weekend in a hilariously casual way.

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A post shared by Randall Emmett (@randallemmettfilms) on

Randall: Yo Fif, man, that was so crazy how you basically threatened me on Instagram for three days, and then I paid you a million dollars, and now you”re not threatening me anymore. Wow! I mean man, just crazy stuff. Best of luck bro!
Me:
So aside from the fact that Randall seems content to ignore the fact that this man put him in the ER just a few days ago, it seems like things are going well! Or maybe not. On Tuesday, Lala Kent threw everything we know into question, when she removed nearly all of the photos of Randall from her Instagram feed. Bum bum BUM. Obviously, this can’t be a good sign for any relationship, but Lala and Rand have always been weird about their public relationship together. Of course, when they first got together, he was still technically married, leading Lala to make up all sorts of wild excuses for why no one had met her Man™️. And as I noted before, they don’t follow each other on Instagram, because they say it’s toxic for their relationship. Weird, but whatever.

As of right now, this is the only picture of Randall that’s still on Lala’s feed:

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I told him last night, if we get caught up in the celebration with our beautiful friends and family, just glance at me from across the room, and we will remember it’s just you and me. Last night was so full of love. Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us. You are so adored.

A post shared by Give Them Lala (@lalakent) on

This is from their engagement party, and I can’t decide if Lala left it up on purpose, or if she just didn’t realize what it was because it’s so dark. Another important thing to note is that Lala changed her Insta profile picture to just a black circle. Assuming that this isn’t Lala trying to rebrand before dropping an album (please no), what is this dark phase that Lala’s Instagram is going through? I was honestly starting to get worried, but then I watched Lala’s story. And Tom Schwartz’s story. And looked at Randall’s feed. And guess what?

LALA AND RANDALL WERE HANGING OUT LAST NIGHT.

That’s right. Just hours after the mysterious deletion of all of the Instagram posts, Lala and Randall were casually hanging out with the Pump Rules crew at Katie and Tom Schwartz’s new house. The girls are apparently getting ready to go on a trip to France, and they were all hanging out before hand. Stassi and Beau were also there, and it looks like everyone was having a great time.

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What a fun night with my fiancé

A post shared by Randall Emmett (@randallemmettfilms) on

First, let me say that the house looks gorgeous. I wouldn’t normally expect Katie and Schwartz to be bastions of good taste, so I’m proud of them. But more importantly, Lala and Randall are definitely together!! Not only are they hanging out and looking happy, but Randall directly refers to Lala as his “fiancé” in the caption! Sure, he used the male form of fiancé, but it’s the thought that counts. None of these people are geniuses.

So, no thanks to Lala, it seems like reports of their split have been greatly exaggerated. Looks like Lala won’t have to give new BJs for new PJs after all. I’m glad Lala and Randall’s relationship seems to be intact, at least for now, but Lala might want to keep the shopping in Paris to a minimum, considering that Randall is a million dollars poorer than he was last week. The new Chanel bags will just have to wait.

Images: Shutterstock; @randallemmettfilms (2), @lalakent / Instagram; Giphy

UPDATED: WTF Is Going On With Lala Kent And 50 Cent?

This weekend, the internet has been abuzz, talking about one of the biggest, most important crossover events in entertainment history. Unexpected relationships have emerged, there have been mind-bending plot twists, and someone might not make it out alive. Overall, the stakes have never felt higher. No, I’m not talking about Avengers: Endgame, I’m talking about the epic social media feud of 50 Cent vs. Lala Kent and Randall Emmett.

The feud first emerged out of nowhere on Friday, when 50 Cent posted a Vanderpump Rules clip on Instagram. In the video, Lala explains to Stassi how she met Randall and “let him hit it the first night,” and that after that he would buy her lots of expensive gifts. If you’re an avid VPR viewer, then this story isn’t new or shocking to you, but what does it have to do with 50 Cent? For a moment, I was excited to have another celeb on board with watching the greatest television show of our generation, but things turned dark very quickly.

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Out. Of. Left. Field. #CommentsByCelebs

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50 Cent’s post and caption about sucking a dick for a Range Rover seemed random, but then Lala clapped back in the comments, in a way that made it clear there was something deeper going on here. To be honest, Lala rubs me the wrong way sometimes, but this is my favorite side of her. Can you imagine anyone else from this show going off on 50 Cent like this? Nope. Still, her clap back isn’t the best re: toxic masculinity, and she also quickly deleted her comment. I already have so many questions here, and we’re not even close to done.

Meanwhile, James and Stassi both sounded off in the comments of this post, but with very different messages. James basically indicated that he’s grabbing the popcorn to watch all of this go down, which seems like a really bitchy thing to do. He and Lala aren’t close like they used to be, but she’s really done nothing to deserve this treatment from him. On the other hand, Stassi stood by her girl Lala, which I respect.

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It doesn't end. #CommentsByCelebs

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After Lala’s clap back, I was wondering if we would hear any more about this, but then things just got more personal. 50 posted a screenshot of his texts with “Randell,” in which he is pleading with 50 to stop texting him and leave him alone. He says that his ex is f*cking with him, and that he’s going to the ER to make sure he’s not having a heart attack. Hi, yes, please stop the ride, I’d like to get off.

In the middle of Randall’s panicked text thread, we take a pause for one of this stories greatest comedic moments:

“I SAID I’M SORRY FOFTY.”

If you claim you didn’t snort with laughter when you first read that, I don’t believe you. To commemorate this moment, we even put it on a f*cking t-shirt. Cheers, betch.

In response, 50 Cent sent a paragraph in which he clarifies that Randall owes him a million dollars, and threatens to crack Randall’s head if he keeps playing with him. I said this was going to get dark, right? We have no way of knowing if Randall really does owe 50 all this money, but if he does, he should probably stop shelling out for Lala and the girls to take PJs to Solvang. Just a thought.

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Fuck you @Randallemmettfilms you think I wouldn’t find out, you and your little hoe girl friend talk to us weekly. ? I want the rest of my money Monday. #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

Another crucial plot point in the feud is buried in the caption of this photo, where 50 Cent tells Randall that he wants the rest of his money by Monday. Honestly, I’m nervous just reading about this sh*t, so I have to imagine that Randall has fled the country by now.

It doesn’t end there. Next, 50 Cent posted another screenshot in which he responds to Randall asking him to be in his wedding, and this part is honestly just a little pathetic. 50 is obviously not interesting in being in Randall’s wedding (can’t imagine why not), and he responds with one of my favorite lines ever: “Like I ain’t got sh*t else to do. Get the f*ck outta here.” To be fair, I’m not really sure what 50 Cent is up to these days, but clearly being a groomsman for Randall “My Man” Emmett is low on his list of priorities.

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@randallemmettfilms sent me 250k today but I want all my money Monday fuck that, if he ain’t got it he can put his Rolls Royce on the truck to NY.The friend shit is over rated ?#lecheminduroi #bransoncognac

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

Aaaand another dollar in the Fofty Jar for Randall. Well done.

With his next post, 50 Cent deepened my concern that this could actually be headed to a very bad place. It’s sort of like a meme, except one that makes me genuinely concerned that 50 Cent is about to do something bad to Randall. 50 is always watching.

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?look at this fool taking selfies, you better get me my money fool. #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

In his most recent couple of posts, 50 Cent has openly mocked Randall for saying he’s going to the ER, and he actually posted this photo of Rand with approximately 700 electrode things attached to his body.

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Your not gonna die before Monday @randallemmettfilms go ahead knock your self out. LOL

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

I don’t know a lot about medicine or heart tests or anything like that, but is Randall okay?? I’m all for the drama and the memes that this whole situation has created, but I really don’t want Randall to have a heart attack. Fofty, please.

For now, we’re eagerly awaiting the next development in this already legendary feud, and we’re just mere hours away from the clock striking Monday. If you’re on the edge of your seat like me, now is the perfect time to cop a Money By Monday tee, because this sh*t is going down in history. This is possibly the first time I’ve ever been excited for a Monday, so literally anything is possible. Prayers for Randall, because Fofty doesn’t mess around.

UPDATE: Well, there’s more. We’re still waiting anxiously to see if Fofty will actually show up at Randall’s house to collect his pound of flesh, but things have not cooled down. As of now, it looks like the money Randall owes 50 Cent is debt from gambling. Basically, Randall likes playing poker, but isn’t very good at it. 50 Cent knows this, and lent Randall a lot of money to gamble with. This might seem like a poor choice, but it can be smart to lend money to a bad poker player, because they’ll keep losing, and they’ll just owe you more in the end. A few bad games, and all of a sudden Randall Emmett owes Fofty Cent a million dollars. Yikes.

Yesterday, while waiting for the infamous Monday to roll around, 50 Cent basically turned his Instagram into a meme page dedicated to this feud, and I could not be more here for it. He kicked things off with this screenshot of Randall’s freshly-edited Wikipedia page:

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?you know the Vibes #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

Sadly, Rand’s page has been fixed and is now protected from vandalism, but god damn this is funny. Then, because it’s 2019 on the internet, Chrissy Teigen got involved. She tweeted about how she never wants. 50 Cent to be mad at her, which like, same. But then, things got even better, because FOFTY RESPONDED.

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?I love you @chrissyteigen & john, these people just keep trying me. #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac #fofty

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

While I’m still incredibly stressed about the situation with 50 Cent and Randall, it’s good to know that Chrissy and John are safe from the wrath of Fofty. I would say this is like something out of a fever dream I had, but honestly none of my dreams have ever been this weird.

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?limited edition, I’m sorry fofty #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac #fofty

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

50 Cent kept the memes coming, first with this t-shirt that’s not as cute as ours, but it did remind me about G-Unit. This whole story is wild, but the fact that I’m talking about G-Unit in 2019 is probably the most shocking thing thus far. After that, Fofty reposted a Game of Thrones meme, because even he knows the importance of the battle of Winterfell.

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?I’m just saying make the best of your Sunday evening. The week days can get rough sometimes. #fofty #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

This caption might be the most menacing one he’s posted, which is saying a lot. Moving right along from Game of Thrones, 50 pivoted back to his original source material for this feud: Vanderpump Rules (a better show than GoT, there I said it). He posted the clip from earlier this season, when Lala and Rand were briefly broken up, and Lala is saying how there’s a lot of dick she could suck to get PJ flights from other men.

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??I’m not gonna say a word. #lecheminduroi #bransoncognac #fofty

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

I just asked if we could make a shirt that says “BJ’s For New PJ’s,” but sadly I was turned down. Can’t imagine why. Fofty is implying that Randall is going to be broke after paying him a million dollars, which honestly might be true. It’s now officially Monday, and I’m on the edge of my seat to see what’s going to happen.

PS: Before I go, I need to dispel one piece of fake news that’s been going around. People have noticed that Lala and Randall aren’t following each other on Instagram, but this isn’t new. They’ve shared in the past that they both blocked each other on Insta at one point, so they haven’t followed each other in a long time. This is obviously weird, but their not following each other isn’t any indication of trouble at the moment.

Images: Shutterstock; @cbcbravo (2), @50cent (4) / Instagram; Shop Betches

These Celebs Had The Most Extra Valentine’s Day

If you’re in a relationship, Valentine’s Day is really the one day of the year when you have a free pass to be obnoxious on social media. As a single person, it’s fun to complain about everyone posting their flowers and chocolate, but I get it. But while you were posting a throwback photo of you and your SO with a cheesy caption, some of our favorite celebrities were out here getting truly wild yesterday. Here’s a rundown of some of the most extra celebrity posts this Valentine’s Day, and most of them are exactly who you’d expect.

Kylie Jenner

Less than one week after Stormi World broke the internet, Kylie Jenner is back with another over-the-top holiday display. Travis Scott is currently away on tour, but that didn’t stop him from arranging a series of heart-shaped rose arches that probably cost more than I make in a year. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kylie coordinated these herself, because she seems like the kind of woman who would want to be in control of her Valentine’s Day. It’s unclear if there was a gift or something waiting at the end of the display, but it was probably something else I can’t afford.

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must be dreaming!! ?…

A post shared by Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

Randall Emmett

If the name “Randall Emmett” still doesn’t ring a bell for you, he’s Lala Kent’s fiancé, thus he’s better known as “Rand” or just “My Man.” As we know, Lala is currently filming a new movie, and she got surprised on the set with a very large vase of flowers. Like, she’s sitting in the courtroom set in costume in full WWII Germany-era clothing, and they bring the flowers in. I guess this is romantic, but I’m pretty sure you’d get fired for pulling this sh*t if your man wasn’t the one financing the movie.

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I love you valentine!!

A post shared by Randall Emmett (@randallemmettfilms) on

Ashley Iaconetti

We can always count on BachelorNation’s most annoying couple to bless us with dumb content. Earlier this week, we learned that Jared and Ashley are writing a children’s book (yikes), and if Ashley’s V-day caption is any indication, we’re in for a real treat. While posting the sappiest photo of her and her fiancé, she writes a nice caption about how if you’re a lonely loser, you should still have hope! Thanks so much Ashley, your support really means the world. Can’t wait to preorder the book!

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To the single people who are feeling lonely, left out, or longing for a special someone while scrolling on Instagram today. I promise you will be with your right person when it’s meant to happen and then you’ll realize you shouldn’t have stressed so much about it because the wait so worth it! I know this is cliche, but it’s also true and it take from someone who was single for almost 30 years. It just takes one person to change everything! I love you more than I could ever express, @jaredhaibon.

A post shared by Ashley Iaconetti (@ashley_iaconetti) on

Kim Kardashian

Considering that Kanye West rented out an entire baseball stadium to propose to Kim Kardashian,  it makes sense that he goes way too far for Valentine’s Day. First of all, if I went anywhere near that room, there is a 100% chance that I would accidentally shatter all those vases. Cute gesture, but I’m f*cking clumsy. Also, where is all of their furniture? Did Kanye have a moving company take away all the furniture just for the afternoon? Also, Kim K loooooves Kenny G, and I can’t think of anything that turns me on less.

NO BIG DEAL KENNY G IN MY LIVING ROOM!!! Happy Valentines Day ??? pic.twitter.com/A1GD0UlEwu

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) February 14, 2019

Katy Perry

There’s nothing more eye roll-inducing than a Valentine’s Day engagement, and it’s no big surprise that it came from Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom. They’ve been together for a long time (not counting the period when they were broken up), so it makes sense for them to finally be engaged. I’m not so sure how I feel about that ring (actually, I’m sure, it looks like a Ring Pop), but I’m definitely not feeling this weird closeup angle or Orlando’s greasy-looking hair. Whatever, I’m happy for them I guess.

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full bloom

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Images: @kyliejenner / Instagram; @randallemmettfilms / Instagram; @ashley_iaconetti / Instagram; @kimkardashian / Twitter; @katyperry / Instagram

Lala Kent Is In A New WWII Movie, And Here’s Everything We Know

If you know Lala Kent at all (which I clearly do on a close personal level after watching her on my TV screen for the past three-ish years), you probably know her as the Vanderpump Rules hostess with an affinity for private jets and a special relationship with Tupac. There’s no denying that Lala has had a very successful few years: she launched a makeup line, cracked 1M Instagram followers, and got engaged to her super-rich producer boyfriend, Randall Emmett. One perk of dating Randall is the boost he’s apparently offered Lala’s acting career. In 2018, Lala starred in The Row, a 2018 sorority-horror movie that Randall produced, and which is already green-lit for a sequel. Recently, Lala has been posting on Instagram that she’s acting in a new movie, but it’s not another horror flic. Lala Kent’s new movie is a WWII drama set in Weimar Germany called Axis Sally. And yes, it’s produced by Randall. Oh boy. Here’s what we know about Lala Kent’s new movie.

It’s Based On A True Story

Honestly, I have no idea why Randall or Lala were drawn to this particular story, but here we go. Axis Sally is based on the story of a woman called Mildred Gillars, an American broadcaster who disseminated German propaganda from Berlin during WWII. After the war, (spoilers) Mildred is captured by the U.S., convicted of treason, and sentenced to “ten to thirty” years imprisonment (which is incidentally the same amount of time I will remain in grad school). Mildred’s story is definitely not the “brave gentile saves and hides endangered Jews” heroic tale we’ve come to expect from WWII movies and literature, that’s for sure.

Now, before you freak out, Lala isn’t playing the lead—she’s playing the assistant to one of the prosecutors in Gillars’ case. Mildred Gillars (aka Axis Sally) is played by Meadow Williams. I’d never heard of Meadow Williams before researching this, so I gave her a quick Google. Her personal website describes her as a “remarkable young actress from the farmlands of Tennessee,” which sounds to me like the set-up for a porno, but okay. There’s also some fascinating information about her legal troubles with her late husband’s family. (TL;DR his kids think she faked his will to get more money, which honestly sounds like a more interesting story than Axis Sally.) The meanest best description I could find for Meadow Williams is from the Daily Mail, and it labels her a “D-list actress branded a gold digger.” So, a WWII drama about a distributor of Nazi propaganda, in which both of the cast members we know of so far are known for reality TV and (allegedly) gold-digging. What could go wrong?

In case you’re curious, here’s a picture of Meadow Williams in her full Weimar Germany-era getup, sitting in a courtroom that I have seen no less than one thousand times on Lala’s Instagram story in the past week. (I would think that violates some sort of NDA or waiver they would have signed, but apparently not?)

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Happy birthday to this pretty lady. Meadow, you have beauty and a heart and soul to match. I’m so thankful for your friendship. Have the best day ever♥️ @meadow.williams Ps. She is slaying it as Axis Sally. Game Over.

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Very Random Celebs Are Involved

First, as you already know, Lala’s fiancé, Randall Emmett, is producing the movie. He posted a kind-of cute Instagram about it recently, featuring Lala in the outfit I now suspect she wears for the entire movie, given the number of Instagram stories and pictures I’ve seen it in. (I say the Instagram is kind of cute because there are TWO typos. It’s not even a long caption.)

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@lalakent proud of you and this role that your crushing from the 1940s they all going to be blown away!!

A post shared by Randall Emmett (@randallemmettfilms) on

Also, can we discuss how Lala looks like Jaime Lannister here??

Jaime Lannister

Tell me I’m wrong. I’ll wait.

While I’d always thought Randall just kind of threw money behind different productions and that’s how he earned his “producer” title, it turns out he actually has a production company: MoviePass Films. Yep, like the app. IMO, this explains why Randall’s movies keep tanking (Gotti, anyone?)these people are not good at business!!

Also involved in this movie: Kate Bosworth, who you should know as the girl everyone had a crush on in the ‘90s. (If you don’t know who she is, you’re too young and I hate you.) Her main and/or only involvement seems to be the fact that her husband, Michael Polish, is the director, but that hasn’t stopped her from accompanying them to every set location and Instagramming the sh*t out of the whole thing.

First Khloé Kardashian, now Kate Bosworth… people in Hollywood really like Lala.

On the bright side, it’s nice to see Lala diversifying her friend group. The list of random celebs involved with this movie continues with Al Pacino, a very serious A-list actor, and then someone named Alexa Dellanos. Dellanos has 1.1M Instagram followers, but I can find out literally zero information about her other than the fact that she was once spotted with boyfriend and graffiti artist Alec Monopoly, who I’ve also never heard of. If anyone can tell me what she does, how her waist is so small, and why she’s in a movie with Al Pacino, I am eagerly accepting suggestions.

This Isn’t Lala’s Only Dramatic Role

While Lala’s not exactly known for her serious genre work, it turns out Axis Sally isn’t the only drama she’s filmed this year. She’s also appearing in Vault, a 2019 crime drama set in the ‘70s.
How I’m picturing Lala’s role in Vault:

In case you were wondering, I trawled extensively and could not find Randall’s name in connection to Vault, so it’s nice to know she’s not exclusively working on his sets. While I personally didn’t love The Row (you can read my review here), I have to assume the fact that it’s getting a sequel means enough people did like it (or at least watched it). And while I would’ve expected Lala to go in a more “designing handbags” direction with her 30s, I guess I’m here for her “attempt at an Oscar” years instead. Truly, the year we see Lala Kent get nominated for an acting award is the year we know we’ve entered the sunken place.

What did I miss about Axis Sally? The movie has a $25 million budget (that’s a lot of PJ rides!), and is shooting in Puerto Rico. So when you see Lala posting incessantly from Puerto Rico for the next few weeks, you’ll know why. (JK, you’d know why anyway—she mentions in every single IG Story that she’s on her way to set. It’s almost like…she really, really wants people to know she’s in a movie??) So, if we all survive 2019, we can look forward to watching Lala Kent confer with Al Pacino, Instagram models, and background actors dressed in Nazi gear in 2020. Or, you know, not watch it. No one will judge you.

Images: Instagram; Instagram; Instagram; Giphy (1)

Who Is Lala Kent’s Man And How Much Money Is He Spending On Her?

As a newbie to the reunion episode game, the past two weeks of Vanderpump Rules have been thrilling for me. Andy Cohen is out here asking questions that therapists usually wait six months to get into, and the cast, as usual, is holding very little back. This past week, for example, we finally heard Lala open up a bit about her “man.” Specifically, she listed the many, many things he buys her, a list I then aggressively relayed to my less-than-thrilled boyfriend. I know, I’m almost as petty as Scheana. (She also mentioned that her man watches VPR with superfan Martin Scorsese, but meh. At most, Randall was once like “look at this show that my girlfriend’s on” and Scorsese was like “that’s nice.”) Anyway, somewhere between the footage of Lala getting out of her BMW i8 and all her recent Instagrams decked out in designer gear at Cannes, I suddenly got a lot more curious about who exactly Lala’s man is. These aren’t just established middle-aged man gifts—this is serious money. So, who TF is this guy, and what exactly is he buying Lala? Let’s dive in.

Who Is Lala’s Man?

Lala’s man is named Randall Emmett, and he’s a producer of some pretty legit films. His most recent big movie was Scorsese’s Silence, which lends some credence to the whole Scorsese watching VPR lie theory. He’s also currently debuting a film at Cannes called Gotti, which I was convinced until about three minutes ago starred 50 Cent. (It doesn’t, and the score is composed by Pitbull, which is…disappointing.) Nonetheless, Randall is at Cannes, works with big actors and directors alike, and is undisputedly legit. (If you don’t believe me, scan through Randall’s Instagram. It’s basically the picture version of his IMDb.) In other words, he absolutely has the Hollywood power and money to take Lala’s life to another level.

On a personal level, he was previously married to Ambyr Childers, who is 17 years younger than him. (For reference, Lala is 19 years younger. I’m not loving the pattern.) I’m not going to discuss the state of his marriage when he met Lala, but you’re welcome to read about it here. Lala stated on Monday that he was legally separated when they met, FWIW, which our independently conducted research seems to support. He has two children, also heavily featured on his Instagram. He also regularly posts motivational “Torpedo Tuesday” videos, in which he screams at his followers to GET UP GET OUT THERE AND MAKE THAT MONEY. All of which really make me wonder who would win in a screaming match between James and Randall.

Torpedo Tuesday. Crush it everyone

A post shared by Randall Emmett (@randallemmettfilms) on

What Is Lala’s Man Buying Her?

Let’s start with the list Lala rattled off on Monday night. She mentioned purses, jewelry, cars, rent, and rides on his private jet. For the cars: he pays for the lease, she pays for insurance. For rent, he pays up to an agreed-upon cap, which Lala said she is “well over.” I can’t imagine how big and nice of a place she has if it’s well over what I’m sure is a generous cap, but it definitely made a sad contrast with the footage they showed of James sleeping on the floor of a slightly too-interested middle-aged dude. Bleak. And for the record, a BMW i8 starts at $147,500, so excuse me while I cry into my coffee for a minute.

Now let’s talk about the other stuff. Since beginning her relationship with Randall, Lala has landed a starring role in a movie (produced by Randall), produced the hit song “Boy,” and launched the makeup line #Give Them Lala Beauty. While she insists that her music and beauty pursuits are exclusively funded with her own money, the movie is literally her boyfriend’s movie, so we can add that onto Randall’s tab with a small degree of confidence. BRB, gonna go ask my boyfriend why he hasn’t given me a lucrative job yet. “Give a man a fish… teach a man to fish…” and all that, ya know?

The couples that get injected together, stay together. We love you @drjasondiamond ???? Stayed tuned for what we are about to do, my angels ????

A post shared by Give Them Lala (@lalakent) on

So, how are we supposed to feel about all this? Well, if you’re like me, lightly devastated. For one, Lala is three years older than me but looks like she’s three years younger. And the amount of money I’ve described in this article alone seems like more than I’ll earn in my lifetime. On the other hand, Lala reportedly was already getting her breasts done when she was 20, so she’s been hustling and betting on her appearance to get her places for a long-ass time. And I have to show some admiration for Lauryn Kent from Salt Lake City getting to where she is now. You can find their relationship cute or disgusting, I don’t really care, but you can’t deny that you’d enjoy certain aspects of her life.

As a final note, I do wish that Lala would stop personally victimizing me saying the only reason other girls can’t ride on private jets, etc. is because they’re not hot enough. Lala herself admits she’s gotten injections and plastic surgery to enhance her appearance, so what are the rest of us supposed to do if we get paid hostess’ salaries and we don’t have rich boyfriends covering our rent? It feels like when you have to have 5 years’ job experience to get an entry-level position. Lala took a very specific route to get what she wanted, and she has a right to feel pride in it. But I imagine she put in a lot of effort for many years to get to this place, and that’s something I’d really like to hear more about in step-by-step detail. You know, for a friend.

Images: Instagram (2); Giphy (1)

Lala Kent Is Being Super Shady About Her Boyfriend, Randall Emmett

It’s been a wild ride on the Lala Kent’s Married Boyfriend Express. We went from extreme denial in season 5 to acceptance in season 6. Did I just liken finding out the identity of Lala’s boyfriend to the stages of grief? Yes, yes I did. So like, we all know that Lala is dating Randall Emmett, a movie producer who, up until recently, was married. They became Instagram official shortly after the divorce was announced, but now, Lala is acting super fucking weird. She took down all the photos of Randall on her Instagram, and has gone into what she is calling “protection mode.”

Just take a look at this now-deleted Instagram photo that I happened to fortuitously screenshot before Lala took it down:

Lala Kent Instagram

I too like to vague-Gram my boyfriend about things I could just text him privately about.

When asked in a comment on one of her pictures why Lala took down all the photos of Randall, she replied, “I’m back in protection mode. He’s not up for discussion anymore. He’s protected again. I love this question” (with a heart emoji at the end).

First of all, can we all just agree that this is SO FUCKING WEIRD? Lala, your boyfriend is 46 years old. He is a grown-ass man. I’m sure he can fend for himself. What type of protection exactly do you think this middle-aged man needs from you anyway? I know you act like you’re a gang banger from the streets of Compton (complete with a new “thug life” tattoo—yes, really), but you’re not actually out here poppin’ anyone who dares speak ill of your man. (Yes, I watch too many movies.) Like, you just… deleted a couple of photos while also drawing a ton of attention to the fact that you deleted said photos. If that’s a form of legitimate protection, I should be getting a job offer from the Witness Protection Program any day now.

Not to mention, how is removing someone’s photos off your Instagram really “protecting” them? We all know who this man is already. What is he really being protected from at this point, other than mean Instagram comments? You can just turn those off, or do what I do and refuse to read any comments on any of your posts ever. And if a 46-year-old man is so affected by mean comments on social media, well then, that speaks a lot to his maturity, and I can see why he’s dating a 27-year-old. 

It also needs to be said that if you don’t want your life and your relationship to become the objects of public scrutiny, do not willingly sign yourself up to be on a reality TV show! You just can’t have it both ways. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

Is Lala Really A Home-Wrecker? An In-Depth Investigation

Earlier this week, Lala Kent went public with Randall Emmett, her rumored formerly married boyfriend, by posting their first-ever selfie on Instagram. I would say “aww cute” when any couple becomes Instagram official, except for when one person in a relationship is a hot hostess, and the other is a toad encased in human skin. Since Lala began dating Randall while he was still legally married, she’s been called many things, like a home-wrecking whore (courtesy of Katie Maloney). But Lala insisted on this week’s episode that she is no such thing. So did Lala actually break up Randall’s marriage? I have been called upon by myself to investigate, and my findings are interesting, if I do say so myself.

According to E! News, while Randall Emmett and Ambyr Childers’ divorce was finalized on December 22, 2017, the couple were separated in 2015 and again in 2016. Vanderpump Rules season 5 aired on November 7, 2016. According to Scheana on our Betch Slapped podcast, Vanderpump Rules films over the summer—meaning that, in the summer of 2016, Randall and his wife could very much have been separated. Does that make it okay? Ehhh, I’m not going to play ethics police given the way I rang in the New Year/lead my life in general, but it’s dubious. Not to mention, how many times has a married guy lied to his mistress and said “We’re separated, it’s over, I’m going to leave my wife”? But is Lala the reason this marriage ended? Given that Lala was on Vanderpump Rules in 2015 and there was no mention of this married guy, and Emmett and Childers were already separated then anyway, it doesn’t look so cut-and-dry.

 

2017… You were tough. You were amazing. You made me cry. You made me smile. & sometimes you really sucked. But look where You brought me- Just as a human being. The growth I feel is like nothing else. I want everyone to remember to shake things off. Go with your heart, go with your gut. Trust your mind. People can say things. People can write things… but no one in the entire world knows your truth. Only you do. Never forget that. I took on 2017 like a fucking champion. I fully intend to do the same in all years to come. I hope you do the same. Happy New Year, my beauties⚡️

A post shared by Give Them Lala (@lalakent) on

Furthermore, I stalked Ambyr Childers’ Instagram, and what I found was extremely interesting. And yes, I am pretty disgusted with myself for stalking an innocent woman’s Instagram account just because she is loosely associated with a castmember on a second-tier reality show I watch, but then again, her Instagram was public and extremely easy to find, so who’s the real victim here? So I looked at all 182 of this woman’s posts (I know, you don’t have to tell me), and you know what I didn’t find? A single picture of or with Randall. Now, I know that she could have done an Instagram purge, and/or some couples don’t feel the need to post their SO on social media (I am told), but still. It’s odd. 

And you know what else I found? A picture of Ambyr with some other dude who is decidedly not Randall. From the looks of it (aka the caption), she’s spending the year in Paris with this guy. And like, that wouldn’t mean anything, except for the comment that says “beautiful couple!”. And there’s another picture of them from a week ago with comments like, “You guys are the cutest!!!” and “great way to end the last chapter and start anew!” YEAH. So I’d say it looks like both Randall and Ambyr have moved on, although only one of them moved on to an age-appropriate SO. Four for you, Ambyr. You go, Ambyr.

So did Lala break up this marriage? Is she a home-wrecking whore? Should we stop judging hers and other people’s relationships from the outside? These answers and more, next time on “probably not but that’s not going to stop me.”