With all the free time we have during this pandemic, so many of us are ripping through TV at a pace production companies can’t keep up with. We’ve binged all the new shows—Tiger King, Too Hot to Handle, Selling Sunset—and we’re now reverting back to the shows we loved as teens. Nothing wrong with a little nostalgia, right? I’m talking Gossip Girl, The Hills, Gilmore Girls…the good sh*t.
Given that we’ve watched these shows from start to finish more times than we’d like to admit, the plot lines, character arcs, outfits, and drama frankly no longer surprise us. Hell, I can quote some of the lines by heart as I watch Blair and Serena fight.
With that being said, let me bring back an element of surprise for you and give you some fun facts you’ve never heard before about the shows—everything from BTS drama between cast members to tea on certain people’s auditions and more.
1. ‘The Hills’
The cast provided their own wardrobe and styling.
Adam DiVello, producer of The Hills, revealed that the cast had to supply their own wardrobe during the show. Since this was the time before brand deals and Revolve sponsorships (can’t believe such a time period existed), this meant the cast was styling and dressing themselves out of their own pocket.
DiVello explained this decision in an interview with InStyle, saying “We always wanted the girls to wear their own clothes….What you wear represents who you are. It’s an extension of your personality.”
He also disclosed that the cast wasn’t provided any on-set hair or makeup either. NGL, I’m annoyed that I have to do my own hair and makeup, and I’m not even on TV—so I can’t imagine the cast was too thrilled about that rule.
So even though the cast ultimately made a sh*t ton of money as the series went on, Heidi Montag revealed that much of her season one looks were thrifted outfits, and Stephanie Pratt said she only hired makeup artists and hair stylists during season three.
The burning question: is Adam DiVello making the Selling Sunset cast supply their own wardrobe and looks as well? If he is, can someone get me a quote on how much Christine Quinn charges for styling consults? And hair braiding lessons? I need to know.
2. ‘How I Met Your Mother’
Neil Patrick Harris was against Britney Spears being cast.
Remember when Britney Spears had her infamous meltdown in 2007 and was put under a temporary conservatorship (“temporary”…and here we are a decade later…)? Well, the one thing you may have had in common with Britney at the time was that she was watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother.
She reportedly loved HIMYM so much that, in early 2008, she asked her management team to reach out to the show and see if she could be cast in an episode. The show’s creators liked the idea, and gave her a role that was set to appear in a single episode only.
For anyone who’s ever seen Britney perform before, here’s the surprise we all saw coming: she absolutely SLAYED her performance in that first episode (duh), so the show wrote her into a second.
It wasn’t just the show’s producers and creators who loved Britney; the viewers did as well. In fact, viewership and ratings went up significantly during the episodes in which she appeared. Despite the healthy bump in numbers, Neil Patrick Harris—who played Barney in the series—was opposed to having celebrity cameos on the show. Although it was nothing against Britney herself, he made it clear that he believed the show didn’t need celebrity drop-ins to generate a following.
My opinion? There’s never enough Britney content. If it were up to me, I would have pulled an Oops! I Did It Again, and written her into episode after episode after episode.
3. ‘Gossip Girl’
Leighton Meester and Blake Lively weren’t IRL best friends.
Blair and Serena may have been BFF goals on-screen, but apparently they weren’t as close off the set of Gossip Girl. So I hate to break it to you, but when you and your sixth-grade bestie pretended to be Blair and Serena, you were kind of modeling your friendship after something that wasn’t real.
Although the off-screen relationship between Leighton Meester (Blair) and Blake Lively (Serena) wasn’t as tumultuous as their scripted fighting scenes, it wasn’t much different than the relationship you have with that random coworker whose name you can’t remember (Is it Christine? Kristina? Didn’t she, like, get transferred to another department? Or…maybe she quit?).
Joshua Safran, a writer for the show, was quoted in Vanity Fair saying, “Blake and Leighton were not friends. They were friendly, but they were not friends like Serena and Blair.” He went on to speculate that the reason behind their non-friendship was their differing personalities: “You talk to Blake on a very contemporary level, and she would be like, ‘I’m doing this thing tonight. Have you been to this restaurant?’ Leighton was very removed and very quiet, and, after her scenes were done, she would wander the stage.”
NGL, seems like Leighton circa the Gossip Girl era was more prepared for this pandemic than Lively.
4. ‘Gilmore Girls’
Ryan Gosling was almost cast.
How many hours have you spent watching Gilmore Girls? Upwards of, like, 1,000? Guess what—some of those hours could have been spent staring at Ryan Gosling, who was almost cast in the series.
At the Gilmore Girls Fan Fest in 2016, the show’s casting director, Jami Rudofsky, revealed that she brought in Gosling to audition for a minor role. She’d previously cast him in an independent film, so she knew his work and wanted to bring his seemingly impressive talents over to Gilmore Girls.
To the misfortune of Gosling stans everywhere, he apparently bombed his audition, and that’s why he didn’t get the role. UGH, Ryan! We were all rooting for you!
So who was burned worse: the viewers who were robbed of precious Ryan Gosling screentime, or Rudofsky when her casting team was pissed she brought in such a sub-par candidate? Personally, I say us viewers suffered more.
5. ‘One Tree Hill’
Producers wrote Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray’s IRL breakup into the show.
As a One Tree Hill fan or pop culture junkie, you know all about the fact that Sophia Bush (Brooke) and Chad Michael Murray (Lucas) had an IRL relationship. Sure, their marriage may have lasted longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ infamous 72-day union, but it was still over pretty damn quick.
The couple split in September 2005, five months into the marriage and around the time that season three of One Tree Hill was airing.
The tea? Bush has recently come out and publicly exposed the show’s producers for exploiting her and Murray’s breakup to stir up interest in the show. She claims they did everything from discussing it on set to writing it into the story lines to even running ads about it on TV.
TBH, this makes them look like assholes. A girl needs to deal with her breakup the proper way—privately and/or with her friends, wearing pizza-stained sweats, and eating pint after pint after pint of ice cream.
And, unfortunately, the exploitation didn’t stop there. Bush was quoted on Dax Shepard’s podcast, saying, “ made practice of taking advantage of people’s personal lives. Not just for me and for my ex—for other actors on the show who would share as you do when you get close to people. Deeply personal things that were happening in their lives and they would wind up in story lines.”
Soooo…were those producers trying to build a resume so they could apply for The Bachelor? That type of real-life romantic drama belongs on reality dating shows, not scripted teen dramas.
6. ‘Lizzie McGuire’
Hilary Duff beat out Lindsay Lohan for the part of Lizzie because of outfit choices.
Hundreds of girls, including Lindsay Lohan, had reportedly auditioned for the role of Lizzie McGuire. So why was Hilary Duff—who wasn’t a household name at the time like Lohan—cast over the Parent Trap star? Apparently, it was because of Duff’s style and outfit choices.
Okay, that’s probably not the only reason she was cast, but it made her stand out according to Rich Ross, president of Disney Entertainment at the time: “When we were casting Lizzie McGuire, we called her in four times. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She just wore such great outfits, and we wanted to see what she’d come in with next.”
So I guess when my college professor said to “dress for the job we want”, that was good advice? If I had paid more attention to his interview tips, then maybe I wouldn’t be stuck living at home with my parents.
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Anyone who knows me knows that I think Gossip Girl is the holy grail of terrible TV, and in these times, it has brought me a lot of comfort. Seriously, when I’m down and feeling blue because I haven’t seen another human being IRL since mid-March, just got laid off, and have been subsisting on DiGiorno for way too long, I think about that episode when everyone found out that Blair boned Nate and Chuck, and even Jenny didn’t want anything to do with her. Like, what’s a pandemic compared to Blair Waldorf’s slow and painful demise in the first season??
Anyway, if it isn’t clear, I re-watched the entire series over the course of the last two months and am blown away by the fact that none of the characters are bothered that everyone hooks up with everyone’s exes! Like, am I too old-fashioned for not wanting my best friend to f*ck my ex?? This got me thinking: GG definitely isn’t the only show whose cast is horny af for each other. So join me in taking a walk down memory lane.
I obviously had to start with the messiest show of all time. In the first and best season, the couples kind of make sense since the characters are all supposed to be juniors in high school and the writers have lots to work with. Nate and Blair have allegedly been dating for 10 years (which means they started seeing each other when they were six, k) and Dan and Serena start dating. Again, this all seems normal. I stan! But then, the rest of the seasons happen and it is very clear that the writers were just kind of like, “idk whatever.”
Without going into too much detail because I have a word limit, I’ll just say that pretty much all of the guys in this show are eskimo brothers. Dan and Nate both hook up with Blair, Serena, and Vanessa; Jenny hooks up with Chuck and Nate; and Ivy, a random character who doesn’t matter, hooks up with Dan, Nate and Rufus (!!). I’m not necessarily judging because everyone on this show is disturbingly attractive, but still, it’s a little crazy. These people are supposed to live in New York City and can’t find anyone outside their social circle to hook up with? Unrelated, but after season four, everyone just stopped going to college and no one acknowledges it.
There is definitely some cross-contamination here even though it’s more subtle than that of GG. On a show with 10 seasons, it’s easy to forget who hooks up with whom, but luckily, I remember. Obviously, the two main couples are Ross and Rachel and Chandler and Monica, but there’s some overlap I haven’t forgotten about. Yes, I’m talking about Rachel hooking up with Joey. Let’s not forget that Phoebe also kissed Joey, although they never ended up together, even though Joey did propose. I’m also convinced that Monica and Chandler only got together because the writers didn’t feel like bringing in a new character crazy enough to date either of them.
There obv aren’t so many inter-cast relationships on Friends as there are on Gossip Girl, but there are def a few instances of the Friends dating the same people. For instance, Joey and Ross both dated the hot science lady, Charlie, and Joey and Chandler both dated Kathy. Ugh, come on, you guys!
I truly believe this was one of the best shows literally ever. If you haven’t watched it because you were too young to understand what was happening when it was on TV, give it a watch now. It’s on Hulu. Anyway, as its name implies, the main characters are all married, but there is one singleton who I absolutely live for. Edie Brit is the Samantha Jones of Desperate Housewives, and she has loves to f*ck her friends’ ex-husbands. Is it just me or does that sound like an intro on a Bravo show? She dates Gabby’s ex, two of Susan’s exes, and makes out with Bree’s ex. Yikes! Even though I love Edie as much as I love this show, which is a lot, I always thought that plot line was kind of weird and pointless.
There were two really weird love triangles in this dumpster fire of a show: Adam/Jessa/Hannah and Ray/Marnie/Shoshanna. First of all, the whole premise of Girls is that, at least for a little while, they’re all bound by their strong female bond, so why are they all so quick to date each other’s boyfriends? Also, I’m confused why two gorgeous, cool, impressive women are both so into Old Man Ray. We’ll never know.
‘One Tree Hill’
Unlike my experience with Gossip Girl, I watched this show when it was on television and have not thought about it since, so my knowledge of inconspicuous details is pretty unimpressive. However, one thing I’ll never forget about this iconic mess is the love triangles. First we have Lucas/Peyton/Brooke then we have Nate/Peyton/Brooke. Uhhhhhh. Brooke and Peyton are the Blair and Serena of the early 2000s, so I guess it makes sense that they’re both down to hook up with each other’s boyfriends. The Nathan/Brooke situation was never super serious, but Lucas and Peyton got married! After she seriously dated Nathan! What! Does that make them the Dan and Serena of this show?
What did I miss? Are there any other shows where the cast loves to bang each other? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Everett Collection / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (5)
Halloween is almost here, and I say this with all the enthusiasm of someone who will be spending the holiday double fisting Kit-Kats and red wine. Look, I know technically Halloween falls on a Thursday this year, so it is socially acceptable to black out like you would on any other thirsty Thursday, but by god I just can’t do it. In fact, the only celebrating I intend to do is with my dog as we sit on the couch and re-watch our favorite Halloween episodes to ever air on TV whilst dressed in costume as Dobby the house elf and his prized sock (I’ll let you figure out who is who in that scenario). So, for those of you who are looking to go all out on the couch this year, here are the best TV shows to watch to get you in the Halloween spirit (without really being in the Halloween spirit).
Friends: “The One With The Halloween Party” (Season 8, Episode 6)
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Friends. I know, I know. Let’s tie me to the stake now because apparently that is an unforgivable sin. Sighs. That said, I do love a good Halloween episode, even if it’s a Friends episode. Monica and Chandler decide to host a Halloween party where Ross tragically shows up dressed as a spud…nik. No one gets his costume and he is appropriately shamed throughout. If anything, you should watch the episode for costume inspo (it’s seriously gold) and also for the hilarity of Joey showing up dressed like Chandler.
Parks & Rec: “Greg Pikitis” (Season 2, Episode 7)
Parks & Rec had quite a few Halloween episodes, but my favorite has always been the first one, which aired during the second season. Leslie Knope stands off against her sworn enemy, Greg Pikitis, a junior high delinquent who pranks the Parks Department every Halloween. This is also the episode where we meet Burt Macklin, FBI agent, for the first time, when Leslie asks Andy to interrogate Greg over his whereabouts and “maybe waterboard” him. To this day I wish you knew how much I regret not naming my dog “Pikitis” so that whenever she secretly sabotages me by chewing a hole in the crotch of my favorite leggings I could venomously whisper “Pikitis” under my breath. Also, Ann throws a Halloween party and it’s trash because Ann is trash. Watching Ann miserably fail at being fun is in itself worth a re-watch.
One Tree Hill: “An Attempt To Tip The Scales” (Season 3, Episode 4)
Were you even truly living in the early ’00s if you weren’t tuning in every week to watch the utter madness that was One Tree Hill? The show was about two half brothers who share the same scumbag dad and a love of basketball, but one of them is rich and one of them is a bastard. This is like, the least dramatic plot line of the entire show, and to illustrate this point, let me recommend to you the Halloween episode of season three. Haley comes back from her world (??) music tour and tries to reconnect with her husband, Nathan. She is a sophomore in high school. Lucas, also a sophomore in high school, tries to be exclusive with his f*ck buddy Brooke (baby Sophia Bush), and he believes his worthiness and willingness to commit must be proven via a killer Halloween costume. He chooses Tommy Lee. I think that says enough about how their relationship inevitably turns out.
Peyton, not being dramatic at all, decides to dress as an angel of death, and her father only gives a half-hearted shrug in protest to this alarming outfit choice. The episode culminates at a Halloween party at underage nightclub TRIC, where Fall Out Boy casually performs. Watching this episode live on air, my only question was, where I can I replicate the angel of death outfit to properly alarm my mother? Watching the episode as an adult has me asking quite a few more questions, like why is there so much leather during this underage party? Is it too late to call a hotline about Peyton’s obvious issues with depression? And what blackmail did The CW have on Fall Out Boy to get them to continually perform on this godforsaken show? THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer: “Halloween” (Season 2, Episode 6)
For those of you who are like, Buffy The Vampire Slayer? What’s that? SHAME ON YOU, YOUTHS. To educate you poor, misguided children, Buffy is iconic and, as far as I’m concerned, should be mandatory viewing in all schools, sort of like how that Romeo & Juliet movie from the 1960s was. The show follows Buffy, high school cool girl and avid scrunchie wearer, who eviscerates people with snarky one-liners by day and slays vampires by night. If anyone has a problem with that plot description, they can take it up with me and the pointy end of my stake, mmkay?
Any one episode will have enough monsters and vampires to feel like a Halloween special, but the Halloween episode from season two is truly something else. In an effort to seduce the vampire she has a crush on, Buffy dresses up like a girl from his youth: an early 1800s noblewoman. I took a similar tactic to impress the guy in Kappa Sig I dated by dressing up like a cheerleader one Halloween, complete with underwear that said “haze me” on the butt. To each their own I guess, Buffy! Things go amiss for Buffy and her friends when the owner of the Halloween store enchants everyone’s costume so that you transform into the thing or person you’ve dressed up as. Mayhem ensues. The episode is complete with treacherous wigs and even more treacherous English accents, and is an absolute must-watch.
The Office: “Costume Contest” (Season 7, Episode 6)
Like Parks & Rec, The Office has a LOT of Halloween episodes to choose from, but I think we can all agree that the one from season seven was the best. Pam raises the stakes of the annual costume contest by awarding the winner a Scranton book of coupons that could amount to $15,00o in savings. This leads the employees of Dunder Mifflin to think that the book is literally worth $15K and so everyone goes all out for the costume contest. Angela shows up in a naughty nurse outfit (lol I can’t wait to hear how she rationalizes that one to Jesus), Jim actually wears a costume, and Gabe is doing the most as Lady Gaga.
Stranger Things: “Trick or Treat, Freak” (Season 2, Episode 2)
Guys, is there literally anything in this world that’s cuter than watching 13-year-old nerds coordinate their group Halloween outfits?! I don’t f*cking think so. Stranger Things is fun to rewatch because it feels appropriately spooky and nostalgic, which is what Halloween is all about. Plus, at one point during the episode Nancy gets drunk at a costume party and yells at Steve. I’m sorry, but if drunkenly sobbing in a bathroom after fighting with your boyfriend isn’t a Halloween mood THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.
Gossip Girl: “The Witches of Bushwick” (Season 4, Eipside 9)
First of all, I forgot this episode of Gossip Girl even existed, let alone that it’s aptly titled “The Witches of Bushwick.” As a person who used to call Bushwick her
penance for past sins home, I can honestly say that there are, in fact, witches in this area of Brooklyn. Not to name names but there was a very suspicious incident at a vegan cafe wherein I mistakenly asked for creamer in my coffee and later became mysteriously ill. I’m just saying, it’s suspicious is all. The episode takes place at Chuck’s Saints and Sinners masquerade party at the Empire Hotel and it is PEAK Gossip Girl in terms of fashion and fighting. It’s a very Serena-heavy episode in the sense that Jenny and friends try to overthrow her while Nate and Dan both try and woo her. Also, Chuck and Blair are there and are perfect.
New Girl: “Keaton” (Season 3, Episode 6)
New Girl has always been the gift that keeps on giving for me, especially since I’ve always self-identified as having the spirit of a crotchety, 90-year-old man, in the same way that Nick Miller does. This is one of my all-time favorite episodes because we find out that Nick has been sending Schmidt fake messages from actor Michael Keaton FOR YEARS. Schmidt for some reason believes with his whole heart that the actor who plays Batman has been sending him supportive letters and emails for his entire life when in fact it’s been his mom and then roommate Nick writing the sage advice. I almost peed myself watching this episode—it’s that good.
These are the best Halloween episodes to re-watch in preparation for (or during) Halloween. If you don’t spend the next 3-6 hours watching this powerhouse lineup of television, I’ll be personally offended. Smell ya later!
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So we’re all in agreement these days that we would rather binge watch shows and act like the characters are our real-life friends rather than engaging with society, right? Okay, cool. Glad I’m not the only one. Since we all have emotional investments in television shows even though these characters really should have no bearing on our day-to-day lives, I thought I should indulge this toxic mentality by talking about couples from beloved TV shows that should never have ended up together. God, I have way too much time on my hands. All of these couples are considered iconic, but I’m going to tell you why their relationships at best, wouldn’t work, and at worst, are straight-up toxic. Go ahead, rip me apart in the comments.
Dan and Serena from ‘Gossip Girl’
Or any couple from Gossip Girl, for that matter. I’ve said it before: Dan and Serena’s relationship was only fueled by drama and looking into each other’s eyes as The Fray swelled in the background. That’s not romance. That’s just making each other’s lives hell with a (crappy) soundtrack. I could write an entire dissertation on why Chuck and Blair were terrible together too, but let me put it this way: the worst jumping off point for a marriage is if you’re getting married to an abusive guy solely to make sure he doesn’t go to jail for murder because as his wife, you won’t have to testify. There’s literally no argument that could prove me wrong here.
Here’s what should have happened: Rufus and Lily should have gotten married. Blair and Dan should have gotten married because they really were the healthiest couple on the show and Serena f*cked Blair’s stepbrother that we all forgot about, as well as her ex-boyfriend, so it’s a double whammy in terms of revenge. We all know how much Blair loves revenge. Nate and Jenny should’ve at least had a better shot at dating because they seemed to really care for each other. And Chuck and Serena can rot in hell with all the other good-looking but inherently terrible fictional characters. I’m sure they would’ve gotten along swimmingly with Lyla Garrity and Patrick Bateman.
Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse from ‘Full House’
Don’t worry, I’ll make an inevitable Operation Varsity Blues joke at Aunt Becky’s expense in a minute. Full disclosure: I’m writing this without having Fuller House in mind because I’d rather have unprotected sex with Charlie Sheen or eat a lobster roll from McDonald’s than watch that sh*t. Anyway, Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse were so. f*cked. up. It was not due to them simply being a modern couple with the woman being the breadwinner who was close with their spouse’s family. I mean, think about it: after Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse got married, they moved into a really nice apartment that she was paying for, and literally two seconds later, they got manipulated into moving back into the Full House. Like, the catalyst for them moving back in is that the baby of the family cried and said she missed Uncle Jesse. Can you imagine that? Getting forced back into an overfilled boarding house because of a baby? Was Aunt Becky just a doormat in this relationship or did she move in to a place to cut costs so she could buy the twins admission to USC (ba dum tss)? I mean, I get Joey living there. With or without the Full House, he was set to be perpetually single. Any man whose job involves fisting a puppet in front of children is doomed for a life of celibacy. But Aunt Becky could’ve fled, and honestly, so could’ve Uncle Jesse had he ever grown out of his
failing struggling rockstar phase. Having to move into the Full House a day into your marriage is grounds for annulment. Also, did I mention, f*ck Uncle Joey?
Ryan and Marissa from ‘The O.C.’
This relationship only lasted as long as it did because it was propelled by these characters’ toxic traits. Ryan’s toxic trait is him having to be the white knight in every situation to the point where he sacrifices himself, and Marissa’s toxic trait is that she sucks. Having a killer wardrobe, brooding, and saying, “Hey” every other word is not a personality. That being said, I still loved watching the drama she got herself into. Every single relationship that girl got into was just to piss off her mom, probably because she was bitter that her mom was a way more interesting character who was actually funny. The only relationship Marissa had that I liked was with Volchok because, well, he was hot and they had hate sex, which again, is hot. Everything about it was hot until he, ya know, killed her. Ryan actually seemed like a good person, but just went overboard with helping others to the point where he got himself into some sh*tty situations and I stopped feeling bad for him. Honestly, most high school relationships aren’t #couplegoals or whatever because we were all weird, insecure, hormonal teenagers in high school. Even though Ryan and Marissa were a sh*tty couple, The O.C. still f*cks (except for Taylor Townsend and Oliver. Them I could do without).
Nathan and Haley from ‘One Tree Hill’
One Tree Hill was the most ridiculous show to me because it’s an alternate reality. There is absolutely nothing realistic about that show, and yet they half-assedly tried to make us believe that we could relate to their “high school struggles.” The most amusing thing to me was that basketball team would play games with Gavin f*cking DeGraw in the background. When have you ever gone to a basketball game and heard that?? Also, what was up with Brooke having a wildly successful fashion line at the age of 12 and a guy named CHAD writing a successful novel at such a young age? F*cking CHAD. And the craziest part of that alternate reality was that Nathan and Haley got married at 16 and a crazy amount of people supported it. I remember one episode when they were just dating, and Haley nearly broke up with Nathan because HE WATCHED PORN. Like, in 2019, it would be nearly impossible to date a guy that DOESN’T watch porn. And then Nathan got his child bride pregnant at a wildly young age, and again, no one really batted an eye. Did I mention she went into labor during her valedictorian speech? That’s insanity to me. Can someone please pass me a blunt? Because writing about these couples is bumming me out and I can’t afford Botox to get rid of stress wrinkles.
Ross and Rachel from ‘Friends’
My main takeaway from Friends is that they all had such an arrested development that they would almost never deviate from that friend group. That’s too bad, because the only one who did deviate from the group was Phoebe when she married Paul Rudd, and that was the best relationship on the show. And do you know why that was the best relationship on the show? Because it didn’t enable this arrested development. Also, because it’s Paul Rudd. I’m happy that Monica and Chandler found someone to be extra annoying to, because no other self-respecting person would tolerate either of them. Rachel was one of the only characters I liked, so it sucked to see her consistently roped back into a romance with a mopey, immature weenie whose life’s passion was DINOSAURS. And I never understood why he was totally cool with the mother of his child moving to France with their baby, and the only reason he stopped Rachel was because he still was in love with her. Wait, what? Your baby is going to live in another continent, but you’re fixated on getting your ex back in the most selfish and inappropriate way possible, thusly making her look unprofessional by giving up a job with one of the biggest designers on the planet? I just can’t get over the fact that this dude stopped regarding his son from a previous marriage halfway through the series and then wasn’t really thinking about his daughter when she was moving to another continent. I’m calling it: Ross is a loser.
Jim and Pam from ‘The Office’
The Office had some great couples, and the top two were Michael and Holly and Phyllis and Bob Vance. Dwight and Angela were definitely bad for each other at times, but I genuinely believed both changed for the better and belonged together. Ryan and Kelly were totally wrong for each other but amazing to watch as well. But Jim and Pam? Uhhhhh, no. It’s not like I actively hate them because it’s not even worth having strong feelings about since they’re overall inoffensive. But I definitely don’t think they’re meant to be. Jim was a catch in that he was funny and tall. But Pam? I cannot remember one time where she made me laugh, and I’ve seen that show so many times. I honestly do not get why Jim romanticized her so much. Besides making fun of everyone at Dunder Mifflin, literally what did they talk about? The only things I ever saw them talk about were getting annoyed by their coworkers or getting sappy with each other because they bonded over getting annoyed with their coworkers. That does not a marriage make! And yet somehow it did.
However, I do admit that bonding over hating the same people is borderline erotic and can count a form of foreplay. Still, I have no idea what Jim and Pam would do with themselves after moving to Austin if they can’t sh*t-talk their coworkers anymore. Jim would have no cameras to awkwardly look at, and I’m sure he had to take a long, hard awkward look at his sham of a marriage instead.
Cory and Topanga from ‘Boy Meets World’
Okay, first off, I never bought it when Cory and Topanga insisted that they fell in love in the fourth grade. I don’t get why that kept trying to sell us that wildly inappropriate and nonsensical storyline. Kids at that age find romantic pleasure by making their action figures or dolls f*ck alone in a corner during recess. That’s the only instance. I don’t get how you can marry someone who you started dating in middle school, either. Remember your 12-year-old self? Would you trust someone that fell in love with the dweeb that you probably were at that age? I know I wouldn’t. And don’t most people experience personal growth, thus making it difficult to stick with the person you awkwardly slow danced to during the entirety of “Stairway to Heaven” at a middle school dance? I mean, my college boyfriend and I are so different from who we were back then that we would have literally nothing to talk about today. Cory and Topanga are both great people, but any relationship that blossomed from middle school or high school and ended up in marriage makes no sense to me.
Images: Netflix; Giphy (7)
We’re a mere day away from Thanksgiving, and I’m already mentally preparing myself for interacting with my family for five long, uninterrupted days. I mean, don’t get me wrong—I love them, but the thought of spending nine hours in a car to get to our Thanksgiving destination and then spending five more days with people who continually ask me bullshit questions like “so what’s your plan for the future?” or “where do you see yourself next year?” or “your 15-year-old brother has a girlfriend now, what about you?” literally makes me want to jump in the path of an oncoming train. What’s my plan for the future? To blackout as quickly as possible and avoid this conversation, obviously. My 15-year-old brother has a girlfriend, what about me? Well, just last Friday I was choosing between a thrilling evening spent taking Zzzquil and re-watching old episodes of Chicago PD or responding to a “drag me to you room” text from a romantic suitor whose idea of a date is grabbing drinks and then going “splitsies” on the tab. So, yeah, things are going well on that front. Honestly I’m exhausted from this conversation already and I haven’t even gotten there yet. I’m assuming that you, like me, sometimes equate Thanksgiving to being held hostage by the people you have to love unconditionally. But thankfully for you, I spend 90 percent of my time comparing my situation to that of fictional characters, and let me just tell you, there are families out there who are wayyy bigger psychopaths than yours. Blessings. So here are 6 TV families who are worse than yours in honor of Thanksgiving:
1. The Blossoms/Coopers — ‘Riverdale’
If you know anything about me, you know that I shamelessly rep Riverdale because
I want to bang Jughead Jones it’s a damn good show. So, sorry not sorry, here I go again because when I think crazy families I can’t not mention Riverdale. Don’t let the wholesome 1950s vibe fool you—this town is literally batshit crazy and so is every family who calls this psych ward of a town home. And no two families have bigger issues than the Blossoms and the Coopers. I mean, you think your family has problems? Imagine feuding over a condiment you can only use on pancakes. And that’s the least of their problems. In addition to starting a blood feud over maple syrup and who is more of a natural redhead (yes that’s an actual plot point on this show), there’s also the whole thing about their grandpappys being related and no one passing this little family secret down the line to their grandchildren. Was there a more iconic moment than when it was revealed that star-crossed lovers Polly and Jason were in fact COUSINS?? I was legit giddy when I found out the horrifying news, because nothing brings me more joy than watching two young, beautiful people realize they fell in love with someone they share some parts of their genetic code with. It’s really the little things that keep you going. And let’s never forget when Polly said perhaps the most best line to ever be said in TV history: “I’m an unwed mother carrying my cousin’s babies.” Pure fucking gold.
Honestly, she’s not wrong here.
2. The Gallaghers — ‘Shameless’
First of all, if you aren’t watching Shameless, then you need to immediately because it’s one of the best damn shows on television. And I’m not just saying that because I
want to climb Lip like a tree appreciate the talent on this show. That said, I’ve never met a more fucked up family in my life. Let’s start with the fact that Fiona, the oldest Gallagher sibling at age 21, becomes the sole caretaker of her five younger siblings—all of whom rank somewhere on a scale between hot-degenerate-I-would-gladly-let-fuck-me-up-emotionally to sets fire to feel joy Carl. That’s just like, the baseline of the bullshit the people on this show go through, and let me just tell you, their childhood trauma is something I love more than I love the man who delivers me pizza.
3. The Pearsons — ‘This Is Us’
I’m not gonna lie, I may or may not have gotten halfway through season one and given up because I
was sobbing and rocking in a corner value my mental health, but that won’t stop me from judging the shit out of this show. Fucking duh. Tbh I don’t really understand why people are so obsessed with this family. I can’t go one damn episode without wanting to slit my wrists, and that’s usually a sentiment I save for when my mother asks if I want to look through her high school yearbooks with her. As far as I can tell, the Pearsons’ drama revolves around three 30-plus-year-old adults with bigger daddy issues than me. In the three episodes I’ve watched, there have been approximately three mental breakdowns, one long-lost father, one long-lost dying father, issues with body image, adoption drama, two mid-life crises, a dead parent, and a person who completely sabotaged their life in the span of five short minutes by means of a mental breakdown over a plastic doll (Kevin, I so admire your work btw). IN THREE EPISODES. Jesus. I need a xanax just writing all of that. If your family has more baggage than that at your Thanksgiving table, then I would recommend just not going home. Seriously, stay in your padded room apartment and celebrate from a safe distance. Like via your cousin’s drunk Snapchat story.
4. The Coopers — ‘The O.C.’
Ah, The O.C. A staple of my childhood and a show that taught me that if you want to be the most sought-after girl in high school, all you need to do is have your stomach pumped in Mexico. V important life lessons right there. The show also taught me that no matter how many times my mother reported my pictures from freshman year of college to Facebook for “inappropriate content” she could never be worse than the legend that is Julie Cooper. Julie did a lot of fucked up shit on this show, like belittle her daughters from the inside out, sleep her way to the top of Newport society, threaten her daughter’s boyfriend with bodily harm and jail time, attempt to commit her daughter to a psych ward against her will for overdosing in Tijuana (not her worst idea tbh), and bang her daughter’s HIGH SCHOOL AGED ex-boyfriend. And that’s literally just season one. Don’t even get me started on her sex tape in the later seasons. No, hands down, Julie Cooper wins the psycho mother of the year award, followed closely by Kris Jenner of course. And I’ll be chanting this mantra silently in my head every time my mother asks me questions that involve the words “future” and “boyfriend.”
5. The Scotts — ‘One Tree Hill’
One Tree Hill, aka my actual will to live from grades six through senior year of college, had it all: hot brothers,
high fashion jean skirts, and basketball games that served literally no purpose other than to generate cat fights and drama. Not to mention Nathan Scott is the reason I have trust issues a thing for dark haired, blue-eyed men who say shit like “but I wasn’t taught how to love!” *adds second entry for CW in burn book* Aside from the fact that every guy on this show was simultaneously beautiful and full of shit, the family dynamics were also pretty fucking dramatic. I mean, the whole premise of this show is that a high school douchebag knocked up not one, but TWO women before his freshman year of college and decided to only emotionally and financially support one. Then he had the audacity to live and raise his family in the same town as his bastard child. So basically this shit was (and low-key still is) my fucking catnip. And honestly if you have a father that’s worse than Dan Scott, then you should absolutely call the people at The CW because they will turn that shit into pure magic for my entertainment public consumption.
^The reason my high school yearbook quote was “be the change you wish to see in the world” except I substituted “world” with “emotionally unavailable men”
6. The Hastings/DiLaurentis — ‘Pretty Little Liars’
And here we have yet another family with a high amount of almost-incest happening. I’m v sorry about this list. I didn’t mean to make it all about sibling/cousin love but that’s just
what sells on Freeform and The CW how the cookie crumbles these days. My b. If you’ll recall, Spencer Hastings and Alison DiLaurentis were next door neighbors, best friends, and casual sharers of brothers and several strands of DNA on their mothers’ side. I would say there’s a lot that’s fucked up about Rosewood, PA, but Mr. Hastings is by far the most messed up thing to come out of that godforsaken town. Not only did he have a secret mistress on the side in the form of Mrs. DiLaurentis, with whom he shared a son, Jason, and told no one about—which almost resulted in Jason dating half-siblings on multiple occasions—but he also couldn’t keep it in his pants long enough to determine if he was banging said mistress or his mistress’s identical twin sister. And, yes, that plot summary was as painful to watch as it was to write out. Tbh I do not have enough time in my day to outline the intricate web that is the Hastings/DiLaurentis family tree, so just be fucking thankful that you’ve never almost banged your brother because your father neglected to tell you that you’re actually the result of a tryst gone wrong with his mistress’s identical twin sister. Bless up.
^A direct result of someone saying “give me good TV” and the writers at Freeform taking that to mean “will fill unexplainable plot holes with identical twins and bad English accents”
As far as an era for TV goes, like, right now is probably one of the best ones. There are just a shit ton of really great, well made shows on and it’s almost impossible to keep up. Now, though, most of the best TV is based around adult themes and situations. Fortunately for us, we came of age in an era when, frankly, the best TV was designed for teens. What can we say, us millennials just love our TV. In case you were wondering if your favorite show of yesteryear was betchy or not, we’ve conveniently ranked them for you.
Few things affect our social calendars quite like Netflix these days. Each month, new shows and movies come and go, and we’re morally obligated to keep up with them, since we
paid so much for our subscriptions still have access to our ex-boyfriend’s former roommate’s login info. We can’t just not take advantage of all this amazing content another reason to cancel plans, so we’ve mapped out everything that’s arriving (and leaving) next month, so you can schedule Netflix and chill the fuck out, accordingly.
First, what’s leaving on October 1st, aka what you need to aggressively binge watch RN:
1. ’30 Rock’ Seasons 1 – 7
One of the greatest shows of all time. For those who haven’t seen it, it’s like Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, except funny.
2. ‘Friday Night Lights’ Seasons 1-5
Clear eyes, full five seasons in one day, can’t lose.
3. ‘Love Actually’
Obviously the best (Christmas) movie ever. This better be back before December, WTF?
4. ‘One Tree Hill’ Seasons 1-9
An angsty teen classic, mostly useful for deciding whether you’re more into Nathan or Lucas on any particular day, depending on your mood.
In case you want to reserve three hours to weep sometime within the next week.
And now what’s arriving in October, aka what you have to look forward to next month:
1. ‘Blood Diamond’
Featuring Leo DiCaprio, this is a quality action flick that’s fast-paced and based on events that happened IRL. It’s about conflict diamonds in Sierra Leone (see also: “Diamonds From Sierra Leone” by Kanye West), so it’s not exactly a comedy, but well worth a watch if you’re down for something intense.
2. ‘I Love You, Man’
Aside from the fact that Paul Rudd, in this movie and in perpetuity, is America’s spirit animal, I Love You, Man is simply an all-around good time and perfect for any Netflix occasion. The duo of Rudd and Jason Segel is beautifully awkward and v enjoyable to watch, making this a crowd favorite among betches and bros alike.
3. ‘Miss Congeniality’ (1 & 2)
Sandra Bullock kicks ass in this movie as an FBI agent going undercover in a beauty pageant. It’s kind of a staple of being a betch, so you def need to watch it if you haven’t already. Like, if it weren’t for Miss Rhode Island, how would we know that April 25th is the perfect date, because “it’s not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket”?
4. ‘Made of Honor’
TBCH I’ve never seen this, but as a C-list rom-com featuring Patrick Dempsey, it feels like a movie I will soon be watching while extremely hungover on a rainy Sunday.
5. ‘Stranger Things’ Season 2
This is most definitely the highlight, in my professional opinion. It debuts on October 27, just in time for you to buy some discount Halloween candy (after you’ve already worn your slutty costume, obvi) and crush the entire season in one weekend. The ‘80s inspired thriller is gripping, funny, and heartwarming at the same time, and it’s all anyone’s going to be talking about at work. We are so ready to go back to the Upside Down and to witness more Winona Ryder going full cray.
Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as
someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the
men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for
dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was
the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was
a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade
my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!