Sentient Shoe Gum Nukes Career Over Being Friend-Zoned

In a man-child temper tantrum that rivals that of Donald Trump’s exit from the White House, television personality and part-time night paralysis demon Piers Morgan has left his role at Good Morning Britain, stomping his little cloven hooves on his way out the door.

You may know Morgan from his major hits, “please welcome my guest, formerly a man,” “f*** Madonna and her publicist,” and “hey Ari, put some clothes on,” or simply from his reaction tweets every time a Kardashian does anything. Piers Morgan has made a career out of misogyny, and not even the imaginative type, because his sexist drivel follows such a predictable formula that even I, who failed Algebra For Liberal Arts Students 101, could predict it. Woman exists or does something slightly provocative. Piers Morgan tweets the worst possible take, despite the fact that nobody asked. Backlash ensues. He doubles down. Faces no consequences. Rinse and repeat.

Following Oprah’s explosive interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Piers tried to do the same thing. He sat at his morning show desk and ripped it to shreds—or at least, that’s what he thought he was doing. Piers dismissed Meghan’s confessions of suicidal ideations and experiences of racism within the royal family. “I don’t believe a word she says, Meghan Markle. I wouldn’t believe her if she read me a weather report,” said Piers. 

In response to the on-air comments, the show’s network received more than 41,000 complaints, one of which came from the Duchess herself. Alex Beresford, Piers’ co-host, urged him to take a step back, saying “I understand you don’t like Meghan Markle. You made it so clear a number of times on this program. And I understand that you have a personal relationship with Meghan Markle, or had one, and she cut you off. She’s entitled to cut you off if she wants to.” 

I guess they didn’t cover that in the Growing Boy’s Guide To Dominating Women. If you’ve ever poked the sleeping bear that is a man’s ego, then you’re familiar with what happens next. Piers stormed off with a cute, “I’m done with this,” and likely pulled from the bag of expletives usually levied at women who reject insecure men.

Why is the Duchess such a tender spot for Piers “Pick Me” Morgan? The two first connected via Twitter in 2015; one follow-back probably had Piers repeatedly watching Meghan’s Tostitos ad in incognito mode. They exchanged friendly DMs and met at a pub for drinks in 2016, cut short by a call from her best friend in need of a ride (kidding). In reality, the future Duchess was just being friendly to a major media personality. To Piers’ dismay, what he likely saw as a first date was really just the pregame. Meghan accepted the free drinks and jumped in a cab to the party where she would meet her Prince. Piers’ villain origin story begins here with, “that was the last I ever heard from Meghan Markle.”

Fortunately, Piers could not go on one business meeting without catching feelings, otherwise he just might have been one of Hollywood’s top predators, instead of the sexist mosquito we see before us today. I’m going to guess Piers thought he was solid competition for the Prince. The warped self-perception of “pick me” men is astoundingly resilient. Anyone who’s shot down a Hinge match in their lifetime may have encountered a ghost of Piers Morgan, a walking cliché of a bruised ego. 

Piers claimed to have been ghosted by the new Duchess, making his years-long hatred-tour the royal equivalent to the “you’re fat anyway” comments you get when you shoot down a guy who DM’d you in the first place.  Just six months after the royal wedding, Piers published a column in the Daily Mail not at all bitterly titled, “Meghan Markle Is a Ruthless Social Climbing Actress Who Has Landed the Role of Her Life and is Determined to Milk It for All She Can – and That’s Why the Palace is Beginning to Turn on Her.” 


To think I’ve pulled in troops for the “is this too much?” text review. If we want to talk about the audacity of fragile men, imagine Piers Morgan submitting that headline and sitting back in his big boy chair with pride. In his defense, he did workshop a few variations…

jan cooper

Whatever friendship the two did share did not survive Piers’ perceived rejection, as “friendships” where one party is just holding out until the other party deigns to f*ck them rarely do. He went on to conduct multiple interviews with the Duchess’ estranged father and continued his hate campaign in the media, garnering no response from Meghan. Piers continuously changed his story; first the two were friends for a short time, then a year and a half, then two years. Here we see Piers taking a tip from Guilt-Tripping Women For Sport, where first date drinks suddenly become “weeks of wasted time” when she decides she’s going home alone. 

Some aspects of this royal dissolution are above our heads. Those of us playing credit card roulette on Metro card purchases or brunch outings may not be totally clear on The Firm, The Institution, or why Meghan couldn’t hold onto her own passport. The Piers piece of the story, however, is all too clear for us. Hell hath no fury like a man’s fragile ego bruised. 

Now that Piers Morgan has left Good Morning Britain and sullied his already soiled name, it’s hard to know what the professional reply guy will do next. Leer at women on the street? Hang out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride? I can see him living out the rest of his days shouting into the void about how he “totally almost banged Meghan Markle”. We’ll be like, sure Piers, whatever you say. You know that’s not a podcast mic, it’s an empty can of Goya chickpeas taped to a popsicle stick.

Images: Silvia Elizabeth Pangaro /

The British Royals As ‘Mean Girls’ Characters, Because Those Flower Girl Dresses Were Disgusting

Oprah’s recent interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry was basically a real-life, televised Burn Book. While their accusations are not bound up in a pretty pink book, Meghan and Harry dropped major bombshells all the same. Trade the hallways of North Shore High School for the ballrooms of Buckingham Palace and throw in some English accents, and voilà—you’ve got a modern-day British Mean Girls. In the immortal words of Damian, the Plastics are “teen royalty. If North Shore was Us Weekly, they would be always on the cover.” Substitute “The U.K.” for “North Shore” and The Sun or Daily Mail for Us Weekly, and you’re watching Regina George’s reign of terror all over again. Listening to Meghan recount the bullying, racism, and isolation she endured from the Royal Family and the British press was disturbing, to say the least, and it definitely made me wistful for the days when we could all get along like we used to in middle school. In the interview, Meghan and Harry spilled the royal family tea as freely as Regina stuffed her face with Kälteen bars, so I thought it was high time to imagine the members of the British Royal Family—and the other people involved in “Megxit”—as the characters of Mean Girls.

Meghan as Cady


Just like when Cady began high school after being homeschooled in another country, Meghan was a total outsider and foreigner when she became British royalty. (Can you hear the Queen shouting, “She doesn’t even go here!”?) Also like Cady, she entered an ingénue and was hit smack-dab in the face by the toxicity of her environment. Sadly for Meghan, she didn’t have the guidance of Janis and Damian when navigating the who, what, and where of the British monarchy; as Meghan states in the interview, she had no formal training or instruction on how to be royal. I mean, she had to Google the national anthem and be shown by Harry how to curtsey just a few minutes before she met the Queen. And although Meghan didn’t need to come up with a plan on a chalkboard to take down the monarchy, she still destroyed the Plastics in her own way.

Kate Middleton as Gretchen Wieners


I’m going to come right out and say it: just like Gretchen, who’s always trying to get Regina’s approval, Kate is a classic “pick me” girl, and you just know she sucks up to Her Majesty the Queen constantly. In the interview, we learn that the rumor that Meghan made Kate cry about flower girl dresses is, in fact, the exact opposite of the truth—instead, Kate actually made Meghan cry almost as hard as if she’d told Meghan hoop earrings were her thing. At least we know that Kate gave Meghan an actual apology, and not an, “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.” I’m also willing to bet that Kate told Meghan that the flower girl dresses were so not fetch. 

Harry as Aaron Samuels


Like Aaron, who is in the middle of a tug-of-war between Cady and Regina, Harry is in the middle of a tug-of-war between his wife and his family, who has had a hold over him for three decades. As Harry revealed in the interview, until he met Meghan, “I myself was trapped. I didn’t see a way out. I was trapped but I didn’t know I was trapped.” Aaron is also trapped in his relationship with Regina, who controls his every move, until he’s saved by his relationship with Cady (which, after some word vomit, is a much healthier one). Plus, Harry’s hair definitely looks sexy pushed back, whereas William’s hairline is already pushed back off his head.

“The Firm” as Regina


In the wise words of Janis Ian, Regina is “a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.” And the Crown nearly did ruin Meghan’s life, in the most literal of ways. Plus, it just so happens that the name Regina means “Queen” in Latin. Like Regina, The Firm is a pro at perpetuating false narratives. Remember how Regina imitated a Planned Parenthood employee to get Taylor Wedell’s mom to think she was pregnant so she’d stop seeing Jason? According to the interview, The Firm also allowed fake stories to spread, refusing to correct the false narratives about Meghan being a diva and rude to her staff (and the thing about making Kate cry, as we discussed above). 

The tricky part in this casting assignment is pinpointing exactly who plays the role of Regina. Meghan and Harry were quick to separate the Royal Family from the Crown as an institution (or “The Firm”), saying that The Firm is to blame. Whether this means high-ranking non-royal employees who work for the family or specific members of the family that Meghan and Harry don’t want to name, who’s to say? Personally, my money is on Prince Charles. When it came to the racist comments made about the couple’s future baby’s skin, Oprah confirms that it was not Queen Elizabeth nor Prince Philip, which narrows down the suspects. Harry revealed in the interview that his father, Prince Charles, wouldn’t take his phone calls for a period of time (screening calls is such a Regina move). At this point, Charles has lost Aaron Samuels (aka Harry), and he never had a hot body, so all that’s left is his army of skanks royal enablers.

Prince William as Coach Carr


You’ve heard the rumors about Will cheating on a pregnant Kate Middleton, right? So not grool, and so hard to believe based on the attractiveness disparity between the two… but then again, Jay-Z did cheat on Beyoncé. This is why Prince William makes the perfect Coach Carr. Like Carr, who made out with two of his students, Will has (allegedly) been in an inappropriate relationship. Let’s just hope William is a better sex ed teacher than Coach Carr.

The British Press as The Burn Book


I mean, this one is obvious. Both the British tabloids and the Burn Book are written by some stupid girls (and men) that make up rumors because they’re bored with their own lame lives.

Oprah as Ms. Norbury


“Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by the British Crown” – Oprah, during the entire interview. Like Ms. Norbury, Oprah isn’t taking sh*t from anyone, not even the Queen of England. Ms. Norbury doesn’t let anyone off the hook, including Cady, and Oprah similarly pressed for honesty and healing. They’re pushers, but in the best way.

Thomas Markle as Mrs. George


Regina’s mom is the ultimate attention-seeking parent, with the one key difference being that Mrs. George is actually supportive. As Meghan revealed in the interview, her father, Thomas, spoke to the British tabloids behind her back for his 15 minutes of fame. What a grotsky little biotch. While Mrs. George at least tries to be a good parent (she’s always there to offer a snack or a condom), she and Thomas Markle share the same parental cringe-factor and thirst for attention.

Tyler Perry as Damian


Tyler Perry plays a minor but important role in the “Megxit saga,” revealing himself to be the ultimate sidekick. Damian is always in Cady’s corner, teaching her the ins and outs of North Shore’s cliques and letting her borrow his pink shirt for her Wednesdays with the Plastics. On a slightly more grand scale, Tyler Perry let Meghan and Harry use his house and security detail after they announced they were stepping back from royal duties and the Royal Family revoked the couple’s security protection. We love good friends like Perry and Damian.

On Wednesdays, the Plastics wear pink, and on Sunday, Meghan and Harry spilled tea. Their shocking revelations no doubt hit the Royal Family like the bus that hit Regina George (too bad it wasn’t a double decker bus). Here’s to hoping Tina Fey has a British Mean Girls spinoff in the works.

Images: Samir Hussein/Samir Hussein/WireImage; Giphy

UPDATED: The Most Interesting Details From The New Book About Meghan And Harry

In the time vortex that is 2020, it’s easy to forget anything that happened before coronavirus came along and ruined everything. But there were two whole months of this year that came and went pre-pandemic, and we spent approximately 50% of that time talking about Meghan and Harry’s decision to step back from the Royal family. Yes, all of this happened in 2020, no matter how long ago it feels.

In the few months since the Sussex fam officially peaced the f*ck out of their royal duties, they’ve kept a pretty low profile. They’re chilling in LA these days, and thanks to the pandemic, they, like the rest of us, have barely been leaving the house. Back in April, they volunteered for a food delivery organization, Meghan narrated a Disney nature documentary, and last week, they filed a lawsuit over paparazzi photos of their 14-month-old son that were taken with a drone. You know, just average pandemic things.

But now, Harry and Meghan are back in the headlines in a major way, because of a new book that allegedly tells the behind the scenes story of their time in the Royal family. Finding Freedom, which came out today, is written by Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand, “two top royal reporters who have been behind the scenes since the couple first met,” and the sneak peeks at the book have already revealed a lot of interesting information. (Of course, Meghan and Harry haven’t authorized the book, so take this all with a grain of salt.) Here’s what we’ve learned so far.

crazy that at the beginning of 2020 Meghan and Harry were still royals and I was still wearing a bra every day

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 29, 2020

They Were Secretly Engaged

Harry and Meghan announced their engagement in November 2017, and said that he had popped the question earlier that month, while they were making dinner at home. Lame, but okay. But in the new book, the authors say that the couple “became secretly engaged in August,” and chose not to tell anyone for a few months. If this timeline is accurate, it would mean that they got engaged after just over a year of dating, so maybe they didn’t want the engagement to seem so rushed? It seems odd to tell such a specific lie about when they got engaged, but idk, royal society is weird. The authors also say that Harry told Meghan he loved her after just three months of dating, so clearly things were moving quickly from the beginning. (And I’m just trying to get a guy to meet my friends after three months…)

The Palace Didn’t Love Meghan

This may not be shocking news, but Finding Freedom includes some quotes that are pretty rough. Scobie and Durand say that they once heard a member of the Royal family call Meghan “Harry’s showgirl,” which is a major yikes. According to the book, members of the family’s staff also had negative things to say about her, including that she “comes with a lot of baggage,” which I imagine is referring to her previous divorce. Another more vague complaint, was reportedly that there was something about her they “don’t trust”. Whether these things were petty gossip or straight-up racism, no wonder Meghan was ready to get out of that place.

William Really Did Warn Harry About Meghan

It’s long been rumored that a rift between William and Harry began when William warned his brother about moving too fast with Meghan, and according to the book, this mythical conversation between the Royal brothers really did happen. Scobie and Durand say that William reached out to Harry when he started getting serious with Meghan, and told him to “take as much time as you need to get to know this girl,” so that he was not “blindsided by lust.” Apparently, Harry was “pissed off” about this, which like, duh. This convo reportedly went down in 2016, and by the following summer (when Harry and Meg allegedly got engaged), the relationship between the brothers had almost completely deteriorated. The advance excerpts from the book don’t mention anything about Prince William’s alleged cheating scandal, but I imagine that only would have made things worse between him and his brother.

Meghan & Kate Didn’t Hate Each Other

One of the most persistent rumors that followed the family was that of a bitter feud between the Royal sisters-in-law. In Finding Freedom, Scobie and Durand say that this was never really the case. They clarify that Meghan and Kate “struggled to move past the distant politeness of when they first met,” but that they were “not at war with each other,” as the media suggested. They write that “Meghan and Kate just didn’t know each other that well,” and for what it’s worth, “Kate did little to bridge the divide.”

Honestly, this sounds like a very normal relationship between in-laws. Like, it sucks that they weren’t closer, but sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be ~sisters~. It’s exciting to imagine some kind of Bride Wars rivalry, but it makes sense that these are two adult women who probably never spent that much time together outside of official family functions—especially if their husbands were at odds with each other.

The Decision To Leave Was Harry’s

Meghan was almost always treated poorly by the British press, so it makes sense that they blamed her for the couple’s decision to step back from their royal duties. But according to the new book, the choice was Harry’s. They write that while Meghan’s presence “opened the door” to leaving, she was willing to do “whatever it takes” to stay. But Harry was done with the whole royal experience. The authors say that he told a friend, “I don’t need to have that movie moment where we get out of a car and wave to a hundred photographers before going into a building.” Instead, he wanted to “focus on what really matters.”

UPDATE: Now that the book is finally out, there’s even more palace goss to get into. Again, take it all with a grain of salt, but here are more things we learned from Finding Freedom.

The First Date

It’s not like, shocking that Meghan and Harry had a bougie first date, but I find it amusing that they met for the first time at the Soho House. Well, not the Soho House, but their Dean Street location in London. Apparently, they “chatted over drinks” for three hours, but didn’t kiss that night. But obviously things went well, because they came back to the same place for dinner the next night. Considering Harry can obviously get a reservation anywhere, I’m not sure I’d be impressed with him taking me the same place two dates in a row, but whatever, I guess he liked the privacy.

Pippa’s Wedding Drama

Kate Middleton’s sister Pippa got married in the spring of 2017, and Harry planned to bring his then-girlfriend Meghan as his date. But not long before the wedding, there was a tabloid story comparing Meghan and Pippa’s “backsides.” LMAO, really. Because of the, um, press coverage, it was decided that Meghan should skip the ceremony, but she still got to (quietly) attend the reception. Honestly, being a part of this family sounds f*cking exhausting. When I get married, people are welcome to talk about my ass as much as they want, as long as they’re only saying nice things.

Family Photo Drama


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Happy Birthday to Prince Louis, who turns one today. 🎉 This photograph was taken to mark The Prince of Wales’s 70th birthday last year. 📷 @chrisjacksongetty

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Back in 2019, this official photo was released in honor of Prince Charles’ 70th birthday. The photo is super cute, but apparently Harry and William did not want to be there at all. According to Finding Freedom, the scheduling for the photo was “an absolute nightmare,” because “the boys can be hot and cold with their father,” and didn’t really make finding time for the pics a priority. I’m not sure anyone loves taking family photos, but the funny thing about this is that it’s literally a Keeping Up With the Kardashians storyline. Remember when Kim said that Kourtney was the least interesting to look at? That whole argument was about scheduling the photoshoot or the family Christmas card. Maybe the Kardashians really are American royalty?

The Fired Nannys

Remember last year, when the Sussexes went through three different nannies in a matter of weeks? There was a lot of speculation that Meghan and Harry were just difficult to work for, but it sounds like there are clear explanations. In the book, Scobie and Durand write that baby Archie’s first night nurse was fired on her second night on the job for “being unprofessional and irresponsible.” What???? I need MANY more details on what this means. Another night nurse was hired, but ultimately, Meghan and Harry decided they didn’t want someone else taking care of their baby at night. So that’s when nanny number two was let go, and someone else was hired to help out with Archie during the day. I feel like there’s still more to this story, but whatever.

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Images: Samir Hussein/WireImage

The Celeb Couples We Don’t Think Will Make It Through Quarantine

Raise your hand if you’re ready to kill your quarantine partner! As my mother reads this over my shoulder and slowly raises her hand next to me, I assume many of you are experiencing the same thing. It’s hard being locked in the house for months with no end in sight. But you know who it is especially hard for? Essential workers. Kidding! Celebrities. It’s hard for celebrities. Because they’re not used to spending endless amounts of time with their spouse in a 15,000 square foot house close quarters without assistants, nannies, and other peasants as a buffer. And the cracks are showing. In the last few weeks, we’ve already had divorce and breakup announcements from Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler, Mary-Kate Olsen and That Old French Dude, Ashley Benson and Cara Delevigne, and Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green. And I don’t think we’ve seen the end of it yet *cue evil laugh*. So which couples do I predict will also fall victim to the quarantine curse? Read on for the questionable evidence!

Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom

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one year ago I said yes to a life of love and evolution… and definitely never a dull moment 😜

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I know, I know, they’re having a baby, I’m so mean. And while, yes, quarantine has definitely made me meaner (turns out it was possible!) hear me out. Even before these two announced that a little baby was Blooming (turns out I’m hackier in quarantine, too!) they had their issues. Katy and Orlando broke up in 2017, saying they were taking “respectful, loving space”. Ick. They’re totally the kind of people that say “make love”, aren’t they? Then they got back together, got engaged, and then there were rumblings that they postponed their wedding. And even after they revealed Katy was pregnant, Katy herself told Ryan Seacrest that they tend to fight a lot!

Now, they’re having problems in lockdown. The article claims that Orlando is having trouble controlling his partying, doesn’t like being tied down, and keeps reminiscing about the old days. Orlando. You are 43. Your knees crack everytime you walk down some stairs. If ever there was a time to get tied down, it’s now! And also, where are you partying in this pandemic?

I’ve always felt like these two were on rocky ground, and the fact that Orlando reportedly doesn’t want to settle down pretty much convinces me they’re going to break up. But to be honest, the fact that he’s friends with Leonardo DiCaprio really should have been a red flag that smacked Katy across the face from the start. I’m sorry to say that these two are probably going to announce they’re over soon, but if it’s any consolation, Katy, I thought “Daisies” was a great song. 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

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It’s no secret I’ve never believed these two were a real couple. Much like Kim’s face, entire body, and personality, I’ve always maintained this relationship was engineered in a lab for maximum attention. And boy, has it worked. But for the purposes of this article, fine, I’ll bite. Kim and Kanye have been together since 2012 and have four kids together, even though I’m pretty sure everybody forgets about Psalm, right? Kimye have had their ups and downs, but now that they’re quarantined together they are arguing a lot. According to US Weekly, Kanye doesn’t help with the kids and is busy “creating”. I’m sure we’ll be blessed with a new $250 pair of spandex bike shorts with holes on the butt cheeks any day now! Now sources are saying Kim wants her space, and is trying to keep her family together for her kids’ sake. This is definitely all true information not fed through a fake source, and I feel really bad for her!

So will they break up? Lol, no. They just don’t want us to forget they exist while we’re all binge watching season two of Dead to Me. Fine, Kim. Here I am, paying attention. Are you happy now?

Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich

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Handsome hubby 😘

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I really don’t care about these two, but for some reason the limit does not exist on stories about their rocky relationship. I’m serious. Over the past six months, there have probably been 50 articles about their sex life, their fights, if they’re together, if they’re not together, and MY GOD just give me your diary already Julianne, so I can read it aloud and be done with it. And now, they are reportedly “fighting for their relationship.” Because apparently COVID-19 wasn’t torment enough on its own, we also must be punished with even more say-nothing stories about two D-listers’ relationship. And that’s how I know the world is ending.

Anyway, Julianne and Brooks are not even in quarantine together even though they have “so much love” for one another. Girl, if you can’t even stand to be in the same STATE as him during a global pandemic, and haven’t posted a pic of him on IG in nearly a year, then I think it’s time to call it. No need to shove more stories down my throat fight for the relationship. Once lockdown is over and these two can muster up the strength to briefly put aside the obvious disgust they feel for one another so they can break up in person, it’s over. 

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard

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Nothing better to do but celebrate #dryhumpday with some moisture masks, couples style. Xo #stayhome #staymoisturized @morehetime @get_rael

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This one hurts. I love Kristen Bell. I watched Veronica Mars back when it was on UPN, so you know I’m loyal. And Dax is one of the Bravermans! I all-around love this couple, and I don’t even say that about my own parents. So when I read that Kristen told Katie Couric that she and Dax are “at each other’s throats” and “find each other revolting,” I was devastated. Devastated, but also impressed by how clearly Kristen understands my feelings about every man after they express any interest in me. It really is revolting. But that’s why I’m not married!

While I appreciate the fact that Kristen and Dax are being honest with us, I don’t like that it gives me tummy problems. Don’t we have enough to worry about right now? I’m praying that they keep it together long enough for us to get sprung from the bad place so they can each take a nice, individual spa weekend and regroup. 

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

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@meghanmarkle_official — Meghan and Harry are looking gorgeous attending the annual Endeavour Fund Awards at Mansion House London. 😍 It’s the Sussexes' first joint official engagement since announcing they would step down from the Royal Family.

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Okay, so I have no evidence that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are going to break up. But I had to pick one wild card. I mean, I don’t think anyone had any idea Mary-Kate and That Old French Dude were going to break up, and then BOOM! Papers filed! And if anyone is able to keep their sh*t on lock as well as the Olsen twins, it’s the (former) royals. They would totally do a surprise divorce announcement, so I’m shooting my shot on this one. Plus, I’m giddy just thinking about all the gossip that would come out of it. And even though I don’t actually have any hard evidence, as I said to the judge when I was disputing my speeding ticket, this isn’t a real court so that doesn’t matter.

And that’s not to say it’s not possible. Think about it. Harry and Meghan moved to LA at the very beginning of quarantine. Moving to a new city is hard enough even when you’re not in the middle of a pandemic. And now he can’t even get the goat cheese balls at SUR! How depressing. Plus, there’s the added pressure of a toddler, and the fact that his family is sh*t talking him to all the tabloids in London, and I bet he has to drink a lot of kale smoothies now. Will this all result in a blowout fight that will break up our ginger prince and his American princess? I hope so, if only for the bragging rights. 

Those are the celebrity couples that I think are going to bite the dust! I hope that you all are handling quarantine better than they are, and if you don’t hear from me again, my mother most definitely fed me to her dog. 

Images: Tinseltown /; katyperry, kristenanniebell, kimkardashian, juleshough, meghanmarkle_official/Instagram

Meghan And Harry’s Texts To Thomas Markle Are Messy AF

Over the past month or so, there’s been plenty of messy celebrity news, but almost all of it has revolved around the coronavirus pandemic. Celebrities failing to quarantine, being tone-deaf on social media, trying to profit off the crisis—we’ve seen it all. But we all need a break from quarantine drama, and thankfully today’s messiness has absolutely nothing to do with COVID-19. We’re getting back into the soap opera that is Meghan Markle and her thirsty family, and I couldn’t be happier.

Let’s set the scene with some context. Right now, Meghan Markle is in a legal battle with British tabloid Mail on Sunday, after they published parts of a private letter she wrote to her father, Thomas Markle, in August 2018. In the latest round of legal documentsMail on Sunday says that Thomas showed them the letter after one of Meghan’s friends mentioned it to People, so they did nothing wrong. But Meghan is arguing that she never authorized her friends to speak to People, so Mail on Sunday shouldn’t have even known about the letter. To be honest, I don’t really see why this is Mail on Sunday’s fault—shouldn’t Meghan be punishing whichever “friend” spilled the tea in the first place?

Whatever, I won’t try to decide the legal specifics here, but the latest filings gave us something much more important to talk about: texts that Meghan and Harry sent to Thomas Markle in the days leading up to their wedding. If you’ve ever paid attention to the Markle family, you know that they’re messy bitches who live for drama, so there’s a lot going on here.

On May 3rd, just over two weeks before the royal wedding, Thomas Markle was admitted to the hospital with “acute chest pains.” At the time, Meghan texted her father, saying “I’ve called and texted but haven’t heard back from you so hoping you’re okay.” Okay, supportive! Things weren’t necessarily smooth between them at this point, but it’s nice that she was concerned.

But the tone changed significantly a few days later, when Meghan and Harry learned that Thomas had posed for paparazzi photos in exchange for money. The photos, which clearly show Thomas Googling his daughter at an internet cafe, are low-key iconic. Needless to say, Meghan and Harry weren’t like, super thrilled by this discovery, considering that, according to the legal documents, Meghan had tried to get “logistics and supplies for her father discretely and with privacy, with care taken not to feed the press” and had told him “that he should keep a low profile until the wedding.” Oops!

Then, on May 14th, things took another turn when Thomas Markle said publicly that he would not be able to attend the wedding. Not only was this five days before the wedding, which is definitely not proper etiquette, but he didn’t even tell Meghan and Harry directly. Harry’s texts to Thomas upon finding out are really a sight to behold:

“Tom, it’s Harry and I’m going to call you right now. Please pick up, thank you.”

“Tom, Harry again! Really need to speak to u. U do not need to apologize, we understand the circumstances but ‘going public’ will only make the situation worse. If u love Meg and want to make it right please call me as there are two other options which don’t involve u having to speak to the media, who incidentally created this whole situation. So please call me so I can explain. Meg and I are not angry, we just need to speak to u. Thanks”

“Oh any speaking to the press WILL backfire, trust me Tom. Only we can help u, as we have been trying from day 1”

Okay, a few things. First of all, obsessed with Harry’s use of “u” throughout the texts. We love a royal who loves texting lingo! I also love that Harry introduces himself twice, as if the texts aren’t coming from the same number like, five minutes apart. Don’t worry Harry, I’m pretty sure Thomas knows exactly who it is. But most of all, I love that you can feel Harry’s anger spiraling out of control as the texts go on. Like, when he says “Meg and I are not angry,” don’t let that fool you—he and Meg are ABSOLUTELY angry. And then the way he finishes it off with a casual threat? Iconic, truly.

After that drama, things just got more bizarre the next day. TMZ reported that Thomas had suffered a heart attack, and once again, the tabloids knew before Meghan. Reportedly, Thomas then texted Meghan, and she responded, reminding her father that he’s basically been ghosting her this whole time: “I’ve been reaching out to you all weekend but you’re not taking any of our calls or replying to any texts…”

But to her credit, it actually seems like she was doing everything she could to help her father, even though he wasn’t cooperating at all. She texted him “Very concerned about your health and safety and have taken every measure to protect you but not sure what more we can do if you don’t respond…Do you need help? Can we send the security team down again? I’m very sorry to hear you’re in the hospital but need you to please get in touch with us… What hospital are you at?”

And then, later that day, she said “Harry and I made a decision earlier today and are dispatching the same security guys you turned away this weekend to be a presence on the ground to make sure you’re safe… they will be there at your disposal as soon as you need them. Please please call as soon as you can… all of this is incredibly concerning but your health is most important.”

That’s the last of the texts in the documents, so it’s unclear what happened after that. No matter how you feel about Meghan Markle in general, it seems like she was doing her best to get through to her nightmare of a father. Also, let’s not forget that this was all going down just days before her wedding, so I’m sure she had like, a million other things to be worrying about. So yeah, I can see why she would be hurt when, a few months later, her dad leaked a private letter to some rando tabloid that probably hates her. I get mad when my mom talks about me to her friends, so I can’t even imagine.

This week, Meghan and Harry also sent a letter to the major British tabloids, vowing never to collaborate with or speak to them, so it looks like they’re really focused on tidying up their image and quelling rumors. I’m sure the tabloids still won’t leave them alone, but maybe they’ll chill out a little bit. But even if nothing is going on, there’s clearly still plenty of old drama to talk about.

Photo by Samir Hussein/WireImage

All The Dumbest Rumors About What Meghan Markle Is Doing Next

It’s been nearly two months since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their intentions to step back from their roles within the royal family. In that time, the dust surrounding their monumental decision has begun to settle, and as the Sussexes finish up their last few weeks of royal engagements, we can finally get to the fun part: what the f*ck are Harry and Meghan going to do for money? In their initial announcement, one of the biggest points was that they want to be “financially independent,” aka give up their royal salaries and not live off the family money. A noble goal, to be sure, even though if I had an allowance like that, you’d have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

One of the first rumors that went around about Harry and Meghan’s money-making possibilities had to do with In January, just days after their initial announcement, The Times reported that Meghan had signed a voiceover deal with Disney. Apparently, she agreed to do voice work in return for a donation to the organization Elephants Without Borders, which is one of her causes. Along with this news, TMZ posted a video from last summer, in which Harry can be seen telling Disney CEO Bob Iger that his wife is available for voice work. This was obviously way before they announced they were leaving royal life behind, but whatever, it’s for charity.

It looks like the voiceover/charity exchange could just be the beginning of Meghan’s work with Disney. This week, the Daily Mail reported that Meghan Markle’s agent wants her to return to acting, with their source saying, “He has said she wants her return to acting to be part of an ensemble cast in something like a superhero film.” Disney just so happens to own Marvel Studios, so we know the beginnings of a relationship are there. Naturally, the Daily Mail didn’t miss a beat with this possibility, and immediately nicknamed her Meghan Marvel. I mean, just give them a Pulitzer for that nickname right now, but I’m not sure how likely this actually is.

All this Daily Mail source really said is that Meghan’s agent wants her to act again. Sure, they mention an ensemble “like a superhero film”, but that’s way different than saying that she’s about to sign a contract for the next big Marvel movie. If there’s any truth to this, I feel like the focus on an ensemble situation would just be an easier way to work her way back into acting than starring in a TV show or a huge movie by herself. Even before her royal stint, she wasn’t out here getting Oscar nominations, so a supporting ensemble role is probably more her speed. Pretty much everyone in Hollywood has been part of a superhero ensemble at this point, so why not Meghan?

While it’s fun to imagine Meghan putting on a superhero costume to get a check, it seems more likely that she and Harry will support themselves through standard rich person sh*t. Last month, the soon-to-be-formerly-royal couple spoke at a JP Morgan summit in Miami, and these are the kind of gigs that bring in the big money. It’s unclear if they were paid for this specific speaking engagement, but other public figures of their stature often pull in close to a million dollars for every high-profile speech. Even if Harry and Meghan are just trading these appearances for charity donations or something, they’ll be fine. These types of engagements, along with whatever official roles they hold within their upcoming charitable foundation, pretty much guarantee that they’ll never be desperate for money.

At this point, most of the rumors about Meghan’s upcoming gigs hover somewhere between “maybe?” and “probably not,” but there’s at least one rumor that has been fully debunked. Last month, it was reported that Meghan would be appearing on her BFF Jessica Mulroney’s reality show “I Do, Redo”, about couples getting married for the second time. Everyone got all excited about the Duchess’ return to TV, but CTV, the network behind the show, quickly set the record straight on Twitter.

As confirmed to @PageSix yesterday, the Duchess of Sussex does not appear in upcoming @CTV series I Do, Redo.

— CTV Communications (@CTV_PR) February 1, 2020

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but I’m not sure who really thought this was something Meghan would do.

This weekend, there was another fun rumor regarding Meghan’s post-royal engagements. The Sun (a paper that Meghan and Harry are currently suing) reported that Meghan would attend this May’s Met Gala as the guest of British Vogue editor-in-chief Edward Enninful. My first thought was to imagine all the ridiculous outfits she could wear to go with this year’s theme of ~time~, but yeah, that’s probably not happening. Hello! magazine’s own sources said that “the Duchess will not be attending the star-studded bash this year,” and while I’m not sure Hello! is super reliable, this doesn’t really seem like something Meghan would do so soon. Maybe next year, after she’s been cast in a Marvel movie.

So where are we now with all these rumors about Meghan’s future? Basically, the sky is the limit for what she could do next, but realistically, it probably won’t be that crazy. Most likely, she’s going to mind her own business and stack her charity coins, while only occasionally leaving her Canadian compound. Maybe there will be some forays into the entertainment industry (I hope), but I wouldn’t hold my breath to see her in an Avengers sequel any time soon. Meghan Marvel will just have to wait.

Images: Shutterstock; CTV_PR

WTF Is Going On With Harry & Meghan?

If you’ve been anywhere near the internet over the last couple weeks, you’ve probably heard about some drama going on with the British Royal Family. Harry and Meghan are doing their thing, and then Queen Elizabeth did another thing, but there’s a lot to process when it comes to the reality of what’s happening. Especially if the only time you usually pay attention to the royals is when there’s a wedding, you might be confused about what’s actually happening right now. While I don’t expect most of you to learn all the royal rules or actually care about this sh*t, I thought it might be helpful to explain things in more… American terms. And by that, I mean the Kardashians, who are basically America’s royal family.

First, let’s go through some of the major characters. In this scenario, Queen Elizabeth is Kris Jenner (obvi). She runs this bitch. Prince William is Kim Kardashian, the favorite daughter. The chosen one. And Prince Harry is Kourtney Kardashian, a daughter who is still loved, but like, a little less. It’s not personal, it’s just the way things are. In this situation, there’s no direct Khloé parallel, but she’s used to being left out so I don’t feel that bad.

There are a lot of things that come along with being a Kardashian, but one of the biggest obligations is being on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Every family member has their own side projects, but at the end of the day, the show is the engine that drives the whole Kardashian empire. In the royal family, the equivalent of this is doing royal engagements. According to the Royal Family website, members of the family attend over 2,000 official engagements each year, which includes a lot of charity events, government ceremonies, and just general royal stuff. Most of them are boring, but they all have to get done. This is what it means to be a “working member” of the Royal Family.

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And this weekend, it was announced that Harry and Megs will no longer be working members of the family. In 2019, Harry and Meghan attended nearly 300 engagements, and now someone else has to do all of those. Harry will always be a part of the family, but he’s walking away from the job aspect, which is quite similar to Kourtney taking a step back from KUWTK. In clips from the show, Khloé and Kim have complained that Kourtney’s absence puts the burden on them to film more and show more, and the same goes for the other royals now having to cover Harry and Meghan’s share of the work.

In the Queen’s statement this weekend, she cleared up some of the biggest questions about Harry and Meghan’s status, namely which titles they’ll use going forward. It’s important to note that no titles were actually taken away—they’re just agreeing not to use their HRH styles. When Diana divorced Charles, she was stripped of her HRH style, but this is different. That was a final decision, like Blac Chyna’s dreams of being Angela Renee Kardashian being flushed down the toilet, where this feels more like Scott Disick being permanently in the picture, just off to the side.

But what will Harry and Meghan do with their time, now that they don’t have to be at Kim’s house to film three days a week? Wait, f*ck, I’m getting myself confused. Honestly, I feel like Kim Kardashian and Meghan Markle would probably get along, so maybe a Sussex cameo on KUWTK isn’t that far-fetched? That probably won’t happen, but my point is that Harry and Meghan are now basically free to do whatever they want. They won’t be getting taxpayer money anymore, and they will repay the public funds that were used to renovate their home in the UK, which allows them to get jobs and work on that financial independence.

While Kourtney Kardashian has her lifestyle brand to focus on (lol), I have a feeling the Sussexes will be leaning into their charity work, in addition to maybe doing producing work. But who knows, maybe Meghan will relaunch her blog from before she married Harry? That would definitely be the Kardashian thing to do, but I doubt it’ll happen. Either way, Harry and Meghan are going to make tons of money, spend their time wherever they feel like it, and hopefully live happily ever after.

Images: sussexroyal / Instagram

The Biggest Celebrity Glowups Of The Decade

As the decade draws to a close, it’s interesting to stop and take a look at which celebrities we’ve spent the last 10 years talking sh*t about. While some stars have maintained their A-list status since 2010, and others have faded into the background (Leona Lewis, if you’re reading this, I still want the world for you), a whole new crop of celebs have risen to the top, and it’s time that we take a minute to give them some recognition. Considering all I’ve done this decade has been move out of my parents’ house and stopped thinking side bangs looked good, these celebs’ rise to fame is truly impressive. Whether their status has changed because of music, marriage, or a lot of fillers lip kits, not everyone makes it like these people, so here are the biggest celebrity glowups of the decade. You’re doing amazing, sweeties.

Meghan Markle

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I wish —- . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #instagood #photooftheday #like4like #followme #instadaily #instalike #follow4follow #gay #gayboy #gaydc #dcgay #tagforlikes #funnymemes #instagood #instagay

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Every time I see a photo of Meghan Markle as a briefcase model on Deal Or No Deal, it leaves me just a little bit speechless. Without a doubt, she pulled off one of the most impressive glowups in human history, going from nameless hot girl on a game show, to leading actress on a basic cable show that only your mom watched, to bagging one of the world’s most eligible bachelors. In 2019, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex is without a doubt one of the most famous people in the world, a fate that no one could have predicted at the beginning of the decade. She’s also brought her fair share of drama to the royal family, from her clown of a father, to endless tabloid rumors that she and Kate hate each other. But amidst all the chaos, she’s somehow managed to be more open than ever about the struggles that come with her public position. I know she’s not like, a literal queen, but she’s pretty much a queen. Honestly, the only thing keeping me going these days is the knowledge that Meghan got engaged to Prince Harry at 36 years old.

Kylie Jenner

To be honest, I could have included any of the Kardashian-Jenners on this list, because they’ve all had massive decades. But really, Kylie has had the most remarkable transformation, both physically and fame-wise. When the decade began, she was just 12 years old, and her main claim to fame was annoying her older sisters on KUWTK. Since then, she’s launched a cosmetics empire, become a literal billionaire, had a baby, and low-key gotten an entirely new face and body. Her accomplishments never fail to make me feel like I’m doing nothing with my life. Also, she gave us the Rise and Shine meme, and for that I’m forever grateful.


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This is what ‘overnight success’ looks like. Don’t give up. Your moment is waiting for you.

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There have been a lot of impressive glowups in the last decade, but there’s no arguing that Lizzo has had THE glowup of the decade, and that’s because she was not super well known until like, 2018. After spending most of the decade hustling to get her music heard, Lizzo blew the f*ck up this year, and now she’s basically impossible to escape. She shuts down every award show, dating app bios are littered with references to her songs, and even your mom loves her. Just ask her! Funny enough, her two biggest songs this year—”Truth Hurts” and “Good As Hell”—were actually released in 2017 and 2016, respectively, but people finally found them, and the rest is history.

Chrissy Teigen

Chrissy Teigen wasn’t always the relatable social media icon she is now. Back in 2010, she made her first appearance in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, and was named Rookie of the Year. The Swimsuit Issue was her biggest claim to fame for a long time, and she eventually made it on the cover in 2014. But more importantly, she married John Legend in 2013, and since then, they’ve become one of the most perfect celebrity couples. She’s also built an impressive career as a TV host, author, and social media personality. I’m mostly just mad because she’s living proof that you actually can be hot, funny, and nice, which honestly isn’t fair and is a major issue I’m tackling with my therapist. But whatever.

Ed Sheeran

Back in 2013, my friend and I went to Taylor Swift’s Red Tour, just barely making it to our seats before the opener started. That opener was none other than Ed Sheeran, who serenaded the half-empty arena with his early songs like “The A Team” and “Lego House.” Suffice it to say, Ed Sheeran no longer plays to half-empty arenas before someone else’s show. Whether you love him or not, he’s become one of the biggest stars in music, racking up an impressive list of hits and collaborators. His career achievements now include number-one songs, albums, and the highest-grossing concert tour in history. Though he’s currently on an 18-month hiatus from music, he’s got millions of fans who will be waiting when he gets back, which is more than any of us can say of our dramatic social media breaks.

Hailey Bieber

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin meeting for the first time in 2009 😍

— (@234star_) July 8, 2018

I get bored easily, but I will never, ever get tired of watching this video of Hailey Baldwin’s dad introducing her to Justin Bieber in 2009. It just does not get old. Of course, Hailey grew up in the years that followed, becoming a successful model in her own right. But her whole world (and career) got turned upside down when she and Justin Bieber got married last year after a whirlwind romance, which has given me the motivation I need to continue making burner Instagram accounts in order to slide into Noah Centineo’s DMs. This year, Hailey and Justin celebrated with a true A-list wedding, which I’m still angry that I wasn’t invited to. Safe to say that Hailey Bieber has finally broken out of being known as Alec Baldwin’s brother’s daughter, and honestly, good for her.

Cardi B

Until like, two years ago, you probably didn’t know about Cardi B at all, and if you did, she was that girl from Love & Hip Hop: New York who was funny on Twitter.With the success of her song “Bodak Yellow” in 2017, her profile skyrocketed, and she quickly became one of the most successful female rappers ever. She followed up her breakout hit with a massively successful album, a marriage to fellow hip-hop royalty Offset, and a baby. With her unfiltered personality and her steady stream of bangers, it’s no shock that Cardi has become one of the biggest stars in the world. Sure, she can be messy sometimes, but there’s no denying she’s an icon.

Who was the biggest glowup of the decade for you? And have you got any early predictions on who’s going to be huge in 2020? Let me know in the comments!

Images: Giphy (4); 234star_ / Twitter; thirdwheeldpodcast, lizzobeeating / Instagram