If You Want To Drink Your Fiancé’s Blood, Leave Us Out Of It

Breaking news: the couple that once electively attended a public event while chained to one another via fingernail has announced their engagement. 

*pretends to be shocked* gif

It shouldn’t come as a shock that Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kellythe celebrity couple who has, thus far, dedicated the entirety of their relationship to providing representation for goth kids who make out in the library of your high schoolis taking their love to the next level. (Although, I’m hard-pressed to believe that there’s a relationship status more definitive than, oh, I don’t know, sacrificing each other’s souls to Lucifer?) Ever since Megan and MGK met on the set of Lala Kent’s former sugar daddy’s film, Midnight in the Switchgrass, they’ve been exhibiting public displays of affection with a level of intensity that gives National Geographic’s mating mammals a true run for their money. But over the next few days, as you find yourself faced with a notification queue of clickbait-y headlines begging you to peek at the ginormous ring or read a vague statement a “source” provided about the pair’s upcoming wedding plans, I regret to inform you that this is the one celebrity engagement you must pay attention to. Bear with me.

Megan announced the news in a January 12 Instagram post, with a caption that I have read dozens of times, and have yet to detect whether it consists of My Chemical Romance lyrics, or a combination of words she wrote herself. Alongside a video of MGK in his best Beetlejuice cosplay, Megan gave us plebes a glimpse into their love story, which she maintains began when the pair sat under a tree and “asked for magic” in 2020. 

“We were oblivious to the pain we would face together in such a short, frenetic period of time. Unaware of the work and sacrifices the relationship would require from us but intoxicated off of the love and the karma,” the post reads. “Somehow a year and a half later, having walked through hell together, and having laughed more than I ever imagined possible, he asked me to marry him. And just as in every lifetime before this one, and as in every lifetime that will follow it, I said yes.” 

Good ol’ Meg finished off the heartfelt caption with a tongue-in-cheek detail (and by tongue-in-cheek, even I’m unsure if I’m referring to the fact that she’s just playin’, or that Colson Baker’s once-painted-black tongue is inside of her damn mouth more often than not): “and then we drank each other’s blood.” 

Well, okay then! I feel as though this is a convenient moment to point out that she does not even follow this man on Instagram. 

MGK followed up with a post of his own, in which he claimed that although “tradition is one ring,” he designed the piece of jewelry (that probably classifies as more of a planet than Pluto) with the intention of creating two rings. (Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I only see one ring? The girls that get it, get it, and I clearly do not.) Hot Topic’s answer to the Bachelor franchise then explained that Megan’s ring consists of their birthstones “set on two magnetic bands of thorns.” To which I say: how convenient that his birthstone is a fucking diamond. If Zales ever catches wind of the notion that they may be able to convince men born in April to buy women diamonds because it’s personally meaningful, we will never hear the end of it. 

While Megan’s caption is not too far out of the realm of the type of posts women post on their anniversaries—“Marriage is so hard! I hate this man! Here’s a photo from our wedding three years ago that I will be adding a blogger preset to, against my photographer’s wishes, to remind you all that I’ve survived another year of marital bliss”—I do believe that it’s setting a very dangerous precedent for engagement announcements. (And in the height of engagement season, no less!) As a generation that has rested comfortably on the laurels of captions including but not limited to, “I SAID YES,” and “Soo, this happened,” I think it would be morally irresponsible for us to turn a blind eye to this fuckery. We are simply not ready for the ramifications that this celebrity engagement may cause. 

At the core of both Megan and MGK’s posts is a common theme that I truly believe the soon-to-be engaged people of our society will flock to. These two believe that they have a love that transcends this dimension. Megan basically said that in this lifetime, and in all of the lifetimes that have predated it and that will follow, it was her destiny to… marry a man who has several rows of bricks and an anarchy symbol tattooed across his abdomen? Lmao, okay girl. This kind of behavior is fine for a celebrity couple that I will likely never interact with in my waking life, but I am deeply worried about how it will translate for the Kaylas and Jasons of the world. Everyday couples who met at frat parties, on dating apps, or at work happy hours will soon start walking around with the air that they are the first to ever do it. (And by “it,” I guess that I just mean get married at a ballroom venue with five passed hors d’oeuvres and a DJ who will play a minimum of three Ed Sheeran songs.) 

Do you know what happens when an engaged couple starts to think that they’re built differently? They stop playing by the rules. They do shit like expect you to show up to a destination wedding without the bare-minimum courtesy of reserving a block of hotel rooms for their guests. They send along invitations with detailed and unrealistic attire guidelines. They exploit the poor souls who have accepted the thankless role of serving in their wedding parties. Nobody wins when an engaged couple decides to throw it all out the window. 

I urge you to stay vigilant in these coming weeks, as we seek to understand just how deeply Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly have impacted engaged couples across the world. Take note the next time you see someone who abandons their usual practice of sharing captions along the lines of “I did a thing,” and “I’m feeling 22,” to announce an engagement with a collection of sentences that instead sound like the narration of an opening scene of a Tim Burton movie. We may very well be entering yet another unprecedented time. 

Images: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for iHeartMedia; Giphy

5 Celebrity Couples That Have Broken Up During Quarantine

As the coronavirus has spread, and we’ve all been forced into various forms of quarantine, this spring has been a stressful time for everyone. For some of us, it means we’ve spent way too much time alone (hi), but for those in relationships, it’s been an intense few months of ~quality time~ together. I’m sure this has brought some couples closer together, but not every relationship is meant to survive, and quarantine szn has turned into breakup szn.

Several high-profile celebrity couples have called it quits since mid-March, when things really got real with Miss Rona, and the details are fascinating. From out-of-nowhere divorces to couples that seemed like a ticking time bomb, here are all the celeb couples that have broken up during quarantine.

Mary-Kate Olsen & Olivier Sarkozy

I won’t pretend to be sad about this relationship ending, because it always felt a little weird. But I was surprised by last week’s sudden revelation that Mary-Kate wants a divorce. I say “wants” because for the time being, the New York courts aren’t accepting new divorce filings, and her request for an emergency divorce was denied. According to new sources, one of the major issues in their marriage was that Mary-Kate wants to have kids, and Olivier isn’t interested in having any more. Now, he’s trying to terminate the lease on their main apartment together, and it seems like things will probably be ugly between these two for a while.

Kristin Cavallari & Jay Cutler

Am I the only one who feels like this happened six years ago already? As we all know by now, Kristin and Jay announced their decision to divorce last month, and they’ve already settled their disputes surrounding custody of their children, and whether Kristin is allowed to buy a gigantic house (answer key: joint custody, and yes). With allegations of misconduct, this seemed like it would be dramatic at the jump, but things seem to have worked out okay for now.

 

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As I start this new chapter in my life, I have decided not to continue with ‘Very Cavallari.’ I’ve absolutely loved my time filming and am so grateful to E! Entertainment for making this journey possible. To the fans: I can’t thank you enough for all your support and for keeping up with me all of these years. I love you guys 💛

A post shared by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari) on

Surprisingly, Kristin announced this week that after three seasons, she won’t be continuing with her reality show Very Cavallari. Honestly, the show is okay at best, so this isn’t a great loss, but I wasn’t expecting it. If anything, I thought Kristin would use the show, which has previously focused a lot on her home life with Jay, as a way to launch her new chapter as a single woman. But it’s important to note that this decision would potentially clear a path for Kristin to return to The Hills in the future. Much to consider!

Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green

 

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Eventually butterflies get bored sitting on a flower for too long. They start feeling smothered. It’s a great big world and they want to experience it.

A post shared by Brian Austin Green (@arent_you_that_guy) on

It’s been a long road for these two, but it seems that they may finally be done for good. They started dating way back in 2004 (when she was just 18), and eventually got married in 2010. After having two kids, Megan filed for divorce in 2015, but they got back together and had a third child the following year. Fast forward to 2020, and they’re officially separated again. After Megan was seen hanging out with Machine Gun Kelly and Brian posted the bizarre butterfly Instagram above, he confirmed their separation on his podcast. Thankfully, he said he and Megan are on good terms, and will still go on trips and spend time together with their kids. I’m glad they’re in a good place for co-parenting, but it looks like it’s finally the end of the line for their relationship.

Cara Delevingne & Ashley Benson

Out of all the breakups on this list, this one hit hardest. Earlier this month, reports surfaced that Cara and Ashley had split after roughly two years of dating. It seemed like they went through a lot together—they even bought a sex bench! While neither of them gave any details, things seemed pretty final when Ashley was recently spotted kissing G-Eazy. Sad, but I would kiss G-Eazy too. In her first public comment on the whole situation, Cara posted an Instagram story asking people to stop coming for Ashley, and saying that only the two of them know the truth. Ashley reshared the story, so whatever happened here, at least it seems like they don’t hate each other.

Stacey Dash & Jeffrey Marty

I loved Stacey Dash in Clueless, but times have changed. These days, she’s mostly known for her questionable political views and messy personal life, and she announced last month that her fourth marriage was coming to an end. Dash and Jeffrey Marty got married in April 2018, just TEN DAYS after meeting for the first time. I’m sorry, but nothing good has ever come of getting married that quickly. Their relationship has been rocky, and last year, Stacey called the cops, alleging Jeffrey tried to choke her. But when they showed, Stacey ended up getting arrested for assaulting Jeffrey. The charges were ultimately dropped, but it seems like these two might be better off apart.

Considering that LA’s stay home order has already been extended through July, I’m sure that there will be some more Hollywood quarantine breakups in the weeks and months to come. We already have some ideas about which couples might not make it, but you never know who will be next. For a second, I was even scared that Bella Thorne and her Italian pop star boyfriend had broken up after she tweeted about being done with dating, but he’s back to commenting “would smash” on her Instagrams, so I think we’re good. It was a close call, and in times like this, these breakups can come out of nowhere.

Images: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com; kristicncavallari, arent_you_that_guy, ashleybenson, staceydash / Instagram