Ask any millennial about their favorite social media platforms, and they’ll tell you Facebook is largely dying out. It’s basically all fear-mongering and your relatives doing embarrassing sh*t on there, anyway, with the additions of political rants nobody asked for and people you haven’t spoken to since high school trying to sell you stuff you don’t want or need. What a fun place! It’s no wonder we’re all flocking to Instagram. Facebook’s one saving grace, though? Facebook groups. If you know, you know. If you don’t know, you probably think I’m some middle-aged loser. Let me tell you, Facebook groups are secretly where it’s at—they are these fun little communities (minus the hateful, racist, right-wing ones—those are terrible and scary) dedicated to a very specific topic or purpose. For instance, you can be in a Facebook group for anything from wedding shaming, engagement ring shaming, sh*t talking Vanderpump Rules, a fan group for a podcast you listen to… the odds are truly endless! And a lot of these groups just have a funny title so you can tag the name of the group in the comments for comedic effect, such as “A group where you can only say yikes” or “Sounds like mlm, but okay”. Often times, these groups are closed, and you have to request permission and answer a few questions to join. But today, you may have noticed that your Facebook groups went secret overnight. Why?

Thankfully, I have an answer to why so many Facebook groups went secret. The answer comes, obviously, from one of the mods in one of the Facebook groups I am currently a member of. Apparently, yesterday, about “10 sh*tposting groups got disabled and disappeared.” So then, in response, hundreds of groups went secret to hide from the wrath of Mark Zuckerberg and his cronies. On top of that, a “specific group of people” are mass reporting groups in the hopes that they will get taken down.

Holy coded language, Batman! What does this all mean? First of all, if you’re not familiar, sh*tposting, according to Urban Dictionary, refers to “the constant posting of mildly amusing but usually unfunny memes, videos or other pictures that are completely random or unrelated to any discussions.” So basically, big meme groups got targeted and taken down.

As for the rest of that vague information, I turned, of course, to Reddit, to find out why all my Facebook groups went secret. That, in turn, led me to a writeup on Know Your Meme. It’s a weird, kind of murky story, which feels very fitting for Reddit and this corner of the internet anyway.

Here’s what went down. Supposedly, some guy in Indonesia who runs a closed Facebook group began taking down other Facebook groups by spamming them with porn pictures, so the groups will get reported. When that happens, Facebook tends to shut down groups first and investigate later, or more often, not investigate at all (such as in the case with @bigkidproblems IG being down for the past few days), so the groups would be SOL if they got reported. Basically. So now you have all your fun tagging Facebook groups frantically going secret so they can’t be searched for, and therefore, targeted by this group.

As for why this guy/group is coming after these other groups, I truly can’t even begin to explain it. This has just become so far out of my wheelhouse I can’t even imagine, so I will direct you to this Reddit thread, which appears to have some answers. Or at the very least, it has a bunch of people who are saying things with enough conviction that it’s convinced me that they know things (even if it has simultaneously further confused me). I’m warning you: sh*t gets weird.

So if nothing else, now you know why a bunch of Facebook groups went secret instead of just being closed, and now we all know just how f*cking bizarre and dark the depths of the internet can go. As one of my favorite Facebook tagging groups would put it, this is a situation where you can only say yikes!

Images: Thought Catalog / Unsplash

In a genuinely shocking twist, Zuckerberg’s House of Representatives hearing actually appeared to be a real hearing instead of one of the technology tutorials they offer local seniors at the Apple Store. It seems like members of the House might have googled Facebook before this hearing, and realized that they shouldn’t call it “the Facebook.” This is progress, people! Let’s discuss the most exciting moments and the new information the House was able to pry out of Zuck’s cold, alien hands:

1. From TBD to IDK

Building on Day 1’s genius rhetorical strategy of “my people will get back to you,” Zuckerberg rolled out the even more iconically shady response of “idk” on day 2. Luckily, the Representatives actually weren’t having it and Debbie Dingell honestly gave Shonda Rhimes a run for her money with a Grey’s style rant listing all the incredibly central facets of his company’s operations that Zuck claims not to know. I’m just going to give you the full transcript of this one, because it’s hilarious:

“As CEO you didn’t know some key facts. You didn’t know about court cases regarding privacy and your company. You didn’t know that the FTC doesn’t have fining. You didn’t know what a shadow profile is. You don’t know how many apps you need to audit. You don’t know what other companies were sold the Kogan data, even though you were asked that yesterday. You don’t even know how many kinds of information you’re logging.”

2. Even More IDK

While we’re here, a few other things Zuck claimed not to know today include:

Who Facebook’s own Head of News Partnerships is.

Whether Facebook shares its internal audits with the FTC.

What the question “are you willing to change your business model in the interest of protecting individual privacy?” means.

Literally, he responded to that question with “I’m not sure what that means.” It means not selling advertisers the information that I Googled ‘how to lose 5 pounds in a week’ so they can spam my feed with Kayla Itsines videos. It also means not selling my demographic info and private messages to political operatives trying to install a racist misogynist as president and destroy America! Feel free to DM me if you have any other questions about this one, Zuck.

3. Users Control Content, not Data

In addition to ‘idk,’ Zuckerberg also responded to Representative Castor’s inquiry about whether Facebook collects personal information on people who don’t have accounts by, according to the Guardian “mumbling vaguely.” Why is Zuckerberg in Congress literally me hungover in a freshmen seminar. He also kept insisting that users control the content they post whenever someone attempts to ask about the full scale burn books of associated meta-data and inferences based on browsing history that facebook has amassed on us. This is embarrassing.

4. Facebook is Still Open to Regulation

Again, Zuckerberg seemed open to regulation. He did not discount the idea of a Digital Consumer Protection Agency, while maintaining that the “details on this really matter.” Unlike, apparently, the details on all our stolen personal information and the myriad ways Facebook secretly mines our browser history. For sure.

5. The GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation) is Trending

Like every betch returning from her semester abroad, the Representatives are obsessed with Europe and copying their new privacy regulation package, the GDPR. Multiple representatives asked Zuck if he would be enacting the policies in the US. He vacillated on what parts exactly will be put in place.

6. Facebook’s Leadership is White AF

Representative GK Butterfield called out Facebook’s lack of diversity in its leadership team, and he came with receipts. He had a screenshot from Facebook’s website of its 5 most senior officials, none people of color.

7. Zuckerberg Thinks You Love Targeted Ads

When asked if he thinks users actually read Facebook’s privacy agreements, Zuckerberg claims most don’t, but this is probably due to the fact that they like seeing “relevant” ads. Yes, nothing brings me more joy than being advertised the choker personalization service my friend was talking about at drinks (although Zuck keeps claiming Facebook doesn’t listen to us talk). You know what I would like even more? Enduring irrelevant ads in my news feed but living in a world where the elections are not influenced by foreign actors! Thanks!

8. Republicans Are Still Asking Pointless Questions

Following in the path forged yesterday by Ted Cruz, conservative representatives continued their campaign to waste our time in 2018. Representatives repeatedly asked about the removal of conservative political pages, and asked why Obama’s 2012 campaign app wasn’t illegal if Cambridge Analytica’s app was. Um, because in one scenario I downloaded an explicitly political app and gave my information to a candidate I supported, and in the other I thought I was taking a personality quiz when I was actually allowing facebook to profit from the sale of my personal details to a consortium of Republican donors?

9. Zuckerberg’s Data Was Stolen Too

Ah, tech billionaires with shockingly bad haircuts and the power to influence over 2 billion people worldwide, they’re just like us.

10. Congress Does Nothing or Over Reacts

I want to end this recap with Representative Billy Long’s Real Housewives level one-liner to Zuck: “Congress is good at two things, doing nothing and over-reacting. We’re getting ready to over-react.”

We’ll have to wait and see if Congress actually decides to over-react instead of doing nothing. Seems unlikely, but you can find me at the bar, where I will be deleting facebook and not geo-tagging, until then.

Images (Giphy 5)

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Welcome to your recap of Mark Zuckerberg’s congressional hearing. Yesterday Cuckerberg (sick burn) apologized a few times, evaded questions like the last bro you asked to define your relationship, and repeatedly congratulated himself for founding Facebook while in college. Umm excuse me but Betches was also founded in a dorm room, and we never compromised the integrity of the American electoral system soooo….who’s the better company? Since I assume you had better things to do than watch this five hour saga, here are some takeaways from Mark Zuckerberg’s testimony.

1. Senators Don’t Get The Internet

The most shocking reveal of the day was the vast majority of Senators’ inability to grasp the basic concept of Facebook. Much like dinner at your grandparents’ nursing home, hours of this hearing consisted of eighty-year-old white dudes attempting to wrap their heads around how Facebook works. Literally, the median age of the investigating committee members was 80. Considering Facebook was invented to help bros rank girls’ attractiveness, you would think a group of largely boarding school educated bros on their deathbeds would get it, but, alas, nah. Senator Orrin Hatch had to be informed that Facebook runs on ads. Cool.

2. Zuckerberg’s Team “Will Get Back To You”

Like you when your boss asks any question, Zuckerberg’s go-to response was “I’ll have my team get back to you.” A sampling of the inquiries to which he offered this response, or the equally laughable “I don’t remember,” include:

How many times has Facebook required an audit to ensure improperly transferred data was deleted?

Why didn’t Facebook alert users to the Cambridge Analytica breach in 2015?

Why are unverified, partisan, potentially fake pages still live on Facebook?

How long does Facebook keep user data after a user deletes their account?

3. Mark Zuckerberg Is Really Sorry

Zuckerberg said Facebook’s non-response to Russian election influencing is one of his “greatest regrets.” One of?! Donald Trump is fucking president, so I’d like to know what Zuckerberg’s other, equally regrettable decisions have led to.

4. Cambridge Analytica Is Still A BFD

Cambridge Analytica, so hot right now. While the Senate seemed confused as to how Facebook works, they definitely knew what Cambridge Analytica is, and they wanted to know what Zuckerberg knew about their breach of data protocol, how long Facebook worked with them, how Facebook planned to prevent future similar debacles, and if any similar data harvesting is currently ongoing by other firms. Zuckerberg gave his classic evasions along with a promise that Facebook is “investigating many apps” which will be banned if they are “doing anything improper.” Sure, sure, sure.

5. Facebook Might Get Regulated

Zuckerberg seemed open to potential regulations. While claiming that Facebook doesn’t “feel” like a monopoly (I would beg to differ, I have no other platform on which to invite people to a pregame or find out what weird EDM DJ the bro I like is going to see this weekend), he maintained his openness to a “conversation” on regulation. He also voiced support for the Honest Ads Act. A lot of feelings and openness here, not a whole lot of concrete solutions.

Dick Durbin might have gotten in the the most savage exchange of the day, asking Zuckerberg if he would be willing to tell the Senate what hotel he stayed at the previous night, and who he had messaged that week. When Zuckerbeg declined, Durbin pointed out that Facebook routinely takes this type of information from its users, noting “how much give away in modern America in the name of quote connecting people.” Ok, did this Senator just say I probably unknowingly gave the Russians what they needed to put Trump in office because I wanted to geotag my vacation and get over 100 likes on an Instagram of brunch?! Fuck.

8. Ted Cruz Is Obsessed With Chick-Fil-A

Ted Cruz continued his 2018 campaign for Satan by wasting everyone’s time and asking if Facebook revealed democratic bias by shutting down the Chick-fil-a Appreciation Day page and Trump supporters Diamond and Silk’s page.

Zuckerberg denied that Facebook listens to audio mined from users’ phones in order to target ads. I straight up don’t believe that. If the Instagram ads I get for boxing gyms fifteen minutes after my annoying coworker brags about how great her workout was at Rumble aren’t proof, I don’t know what is.

9. Corey Booker And Kamala Harris Forever Plz

Corey Booker and Kamala Harris killed it. Booker called out Zuckerberg for targeting ads based on race, and helping law enforcement enact surveillance on activists of color. Harris called him out for evading questions, going IN as follows:

“During the course of this hearing, you’ve been asked several critical questions for which you don’t have answers. Those questions have included: whether Facebook can track activity after a user logs off of Facebook, whether Facebook can track you across devices even when you aren’t logged into Facebook. Who is Facebook’s biggest competition, whether Facebook may store up to 96 categories of users information.”

10. Facebook Has Talked To Mueller

Zuckerberg confirmed that Facebook is working with Mueller. Thank fucking god, I needed some good news today.

Oh, and before I go, let me just add that like all short fuckboys, Zuckerberg apparently has a size complex. He testified atop a four inch cushion. Cute.

Well, that was exhausting. Today Zuck is back in Congress to testify in front of the House, a group that might be even dumber and more ineffective than the Senate. I’ll be back with your highlights tomorrow, and then I will promptly be blacking out until next week. You’re welcome.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Giphy (6)

If you haven’t logged onto Facebook in the past day you’ve missed a really really important post. No, not from your #2A loving uncle or grandma who is sharing radical Precious Memories figurine memes, but from the man behind the curtain: Zuckerberg. In what looked like an email I’d immediately delete if it were coming from an ex, Zuck apologized for his mishandling of the Cambridge Analytica situation. And by apologized, we mean “released a statement that does not include the word ‘sorry’ once.”

Don’t know what the Cambridge Analytica situation is? Well, don’t worry because it knows alllll about you. Basically, a dude named Alex Kogan created a Facebook app called “thisisyourdigitallife” that 270,000 aunts and high school classmates downloaded. In the fine print they agreed to let the app get all up in their biz and know intimate details about them like their private messages and what terrible bands they like.  Where it gets shady is that they also agreed to let the app access information about all of their friends, even if those friends didn’t have the app. So those 270,000 people who were tempted to download an app called “thisisyourdigitallife” ruined, like many old high school classmates typically do, your life, too.

This app now had the intimate info of almost 5 million users and breached Facebook law (which includes commenting on a post without liking) by selling all this data to a third party, Cambridge Analytica.  Cambridge Analytica then used the data the collected to create extremely targeted personal ads, with the hope of swaying people’s political opinions. TBH, Cambridge Analytica is like an evil corporation in a Bond film and long story short used that data to put Trump in the White House.

So now we get to Zuck’s “apology”, which, like most Facebook posts, is 10,000 words too long and barely says anything. In his 10x too long post, Zuck barely acknowledges Facebook’s role, while also reminding us how hard it is to run a website. First of all, I know how hard it is to run a website. I had a hugely popular Xanga at one point in my life. Second of all, there’s no mention in his note that is like, “we’re sorry the world has to suffer through a man who thinks teachers should have guns to shoot bad students because we couldn’t keep good enough check on personality quizzes that were mining your opinions on abortions.”

At one point, Facebook did approach Kogan and be like, uhm we saw that you secretly looped Cambridge Analytica into all this info, like some sort of bitchy three way call scenario, and that is illegal, make sure they delete all the data. And Cambridge Analytica was like “we deleted the data, we swear!” But never trust a shady ho! They did not, I repeat, did not delete the data! Like your friend who is continually cheated on by the same guy, aound fifteen paragraphs into Zuckerberg’s fake apology he’s like, “can you believe they lied to me?” Like, yes of course we believe it, these people are associated with Kellyanne Conway. Her blood is just liquid lies!

Ultimately, Zuckerberg admits he is responsible for what happens on Facebook and takes full responsibility, which is nice. But if that is the case then he is fully responsible for how few likes my recent profile picture received because that is a scandal all in itself. Figure out this whole robbing the election mess and I’d love to talk to him about that once he’s done.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Anyone who has checked their Facebook App recently (aka everyone on Earth), probably noticed a “new” feature that was actually a fairly old feature for anyone who has ever used Snapchat or Instagram (again, everyone on Earth). “Stories,” otherwise known as the ability to update everyone in video format about every single thing that happens in your life—preferably with the addition of a cute filter or animal ears—have come to Facebook. And now that Facebook Stories are a thing, it is safe to say that stories are officially dead. 

Well, maybe not like dead dead, but they are on life support. Like, you might want to make sure to call Stories up one of these days and see how they’re doing because they might not be with us much longer. Flowers could go a long way here, too. Like every good social media idea that has ever existed, once something comes to Facebook, that thing is no longer cool. It’s like, Newton’s 5th law or something like that. Once your mom is doing something, that thing is over. It’s just science. 

Now Facebook obviously isn’t the first to steal Snapchat’s original idea. Instagram unveiled stories in the summer of 2016, forcing all of us to choose between Snapchat’s superior filters and Insta’s easier shareability. Like, on the one hand, you’re already taking photos in Instagram anyway, so all your life’s photos can be easily found in one place. On the other hand, Snapchat has the dog face filter.

Decisions, decisions.

This whole “Facebook Stories” thing may have come as a surprise to those of us who thought we basically knew everything Facebook was up to (we check it every day, after all). Turns out Zuck & co have been low-key testing the “stories” feature since August. And while Instagram at least had the decency to leave Snapchat its signature filters, Facebook has no problem fully stealing Snapchat’s idea and offering basically the exact same service Snapchat has offered for years via the Facebook app. So get ready to see your mom, great aunt, and racist uncle slide into your DMs wearing minion glasses, because that’s definitley already started happening. 

So what does this mean for our beloved Snapchat? Well, it’s probably not good. TechCrunch reported that Snapchat’s growth slowed by a full 82% after the launch of Instagram stories, which, again, did not even have the fun filters going for them. So basically, greedy-ass Facebook may have just not only killed the “stories” feature, but it may have killed Snapchat entirely. RIP Snap stories. Though you only last 24 hours, you changed all of our lives forever.