Apparently, quarantine has gotten so bleak that Amazon is out of podcast mics. Everyone from your sh*tty ex who lives in Bushwick to D-list reality stars to actual celebrities are jumping on the podcast bandwagon, for better or for worse. And now, we can add one more into the mix. The latest celebrity to get in on the podcast game is none other than Dina Lohan, and honestly, while I didn’t see that one coming, I’m kind of impressed. I still can’t even get my parents to understand what a podcast is—and yes, I have tried the analogy that it’s basically just a radio show, and it does not click.
Anyway, Dina Lohan’s podcast will be called Listen To Me, OG Mama D (oof, that name) and according to Page Six, will “touch on pop culture, domestic violence, mental health” and also “set the record straight about tabloid celebrity gossip.” I’m assuming and hoping that will mean Dina will explain the clusterf*ck that was her housing her ex-husband’s wife, because that sounded like the craziest episode of Sister Wives ever. It’s not immediately clear if Dina will talk about Lindsay, but she will talk about “managing children in Hollywood”, so even if she doesn’t spill all the tea, it’s probably going to come up. I would love an entire episode rehashing the story behind Lindsay’s iconic photo with Paris and Britney, but that might just be a pipe dream. Honestly, celebrity gossip just isn’t what it used to be.
Co-hosting the podcast is former Princesses: Long Island cast member and comedian Chanel Omari, who might seem like a random choice, but Dina told Betches, “I chose Chanel because I’ve known Chanel forever.” She added, “She was Lindsay’s assistant and then mine. I had the pleasure of being on her podcast (Chanel in the City) which she did a wonderful job with, and I thought she would be a best fit.”
Chanel told us that Listen To Me, OG Mama D will also talk about “single parenting, dating, cyber bullying,” and of course, “how the pandemic has brought people together through virtual dating and how COVID-19 has affected their lives.” She explained, “We wanted to be a safe space for people to come and chat with Dina and myself on challenging things happening to us in life and how to cope with it.”
In these trying times, it’s important to find things that still bring us joy. For some people, that might be deep cleaning their kitchen or watching inspirational videos, but those things just don’t do it for me. But you know what does? Reliving the minutiae of celebrity drama from 2006. On Sunday night, Twitter 2000s expert popculturediedin2009 posted one of the most important threads ever, and we must talk about it. This is the story of the iconic photo of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan in the car together, and (no pun intended) you better buckle up.
Responding to another tweet thread purportedly explaining the photo, pcd2009 decided it was time to really get into the facts. What follows is an absolute treasure trove of 2000s relationships, feuds, and tabloid videos—truly a feast for any pop culture addict.
alright so i’m seeing too many of these threads detailing mid-aughts it-girl drama with few facts in sight so it’s about time i dusted off a history textbook (my extensive tabloid collection) and relayed the REAL gossip for you all https://t.co/rq1N78LkGl
— popculturediedin2009 (@pcd2009) April 6, 2020
For the most part, this story revolves around the complex relationship between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Britney Spears is important too, but she’ll come in later. In 2006, Lindsay and Paris were both at the height of their tabloid fame, and they were both out partying like, every night. Lindsay was also only 19 years old, which is insane, but that’s a whole different issue.
Here are some other key players who you’ll need to know:
Stavros Niarchos: A hot Greek shipping heir who originally dated Mary-Kate Olsen, before dumping her for Paris Hilton.
Brandon Davis: A less-hot oil heir who hung out with the same crowd. He had formerly dated Mischa Barton, and had publicly called out Paris for using racial slurs.
Elliot Mintz: Paris Hilton’s publicist, who literally looks like an Oompa Loompa. In 2006, it was basically his job to follow her around to clubs and fix whatever messes she caused. Like Olivia Pope, but sleazier.
In the thread pcd2009 cuts to the chase, saying that the inciting incident that led to the iconic photo was in the spring of 2006, when Paris and Stavros broke up for the first time. Soon after that, he was spotted out with Lindsay, and was caught leaving her hotel room in the morning.
while they’d had their share of drama beforehand, the key stretch that leads up to the aforementioned ‘britney, lindsay, paris’ photo begins in the spring of 2006, as paris and stavros suffer their first (of many) breakups. pic.twitter.com/FP9KABHIIh
— popculturediedin2009 (@pcd2009) April 6, 2020
According to the thread, Paris and Lindsay already had their issues (partially involving Nicole Richie), and Lindsay hooking up with Stavros obviously didn’t help. A few nights after that, Paris and Brandon Davis were caught by the paparazzi leaving the club, and Brandon went off on Lindsay. In this infamous video, he calls her “firecrotch” over and over again, and also says she’s “really poor” because she’s only worth 7 million. Paris is smart and doesn’t say anything, but she’s laughing the whole time.
nights later, leaving janet jackson’s birthday party, paris – joined by elliot, her sister nicky and pal caroline d’amore – cackles maniacally as brandon unleashes a tirade on lindsay, dubbing her “firecrotch” and saying “she’s worth about 7 million” so “she’s really poor” pic.twitter.com/3VMnmiyMaB
— popculturediedin2009 (@pcd2009) April 6, 2020
My favorite part of this video is Elliot Mintz. He’s right there in a suit and tie, looking like he’d rather die than have to deal with this. At one point, Brandon pulls him by the tie, and I really thought Elliot was going to slap him. I hope this guy was getting paid a lot off money to put up with this bullsh*t every night.
The video went viral by 2006 standards, and Brandon ended up going to rehab because his family was so pissed. That is, after he was spotted wearing a “Team Firecrotch” T-shirt. Classy! After getting out of rehab, he allegedly recorded a song called “Firecrotch,” but it was never played in public, and sadly, there is no trace of it on the internet. This seems wrong. Like, shouldn’t the Library of Congress be preserving these important historical documents? I’m upset.
So that was the spring of 2006. Over the summer, things mostly just simmered. Paris and Lindsay occasionally ran into each other or made shady comments, but nothing really blew up. Then came fall. Paris reignited the feud by hooking up with Lindsay’s ex Harry Morton, and LiLo didn’t appreciate it. In what might be my favorite paparazzi video of all time, Lindsay clearly says “Paris is a c*nt,” then denies saying it just SECONDS later. God, I would literally give anything to go back to 2006 right now.
come fall, paris strikes again by getting cozy with lindsay’s ex, hard rock scion & pink taco founder harry morton (RIP), fueling lindsay’s now-infamous “paris is a cunt” comment as she made an exit from a party at the roosevelt hotel in early november. pic.twitter.com/RVkAZTKgZp
— popculturediedin2009 (@pcd2009) April 6, 2020
Around this time, Paris Hilton started getting close with our third major player, Britney Spears. And by getting close, I mean that they were getting wasted with each other every night, and were also clearly buying their fried blonde hair extensions from the same place. Looking back, it’s actually kind of wild how rough they look in these photos. Now, every celebrity has a glam team at the ready, but there’s not a hairstylist in sight here.
by then, paris had also acquired a new pet for her menagerie: britney spears, newly single after kicking k-fed to the curb and now partaking in nightly crotch-flashings with paris, to both our devastation and morbid fascination. pic.twitter.com/78C9UC424V
— popculturediedin2009 (@pcd2009) April 6, 2020
And now, we’ve finally arrived at the historic night. November 27th, 2006. The night when it all went down. At around midnight, Lindsay Lohan talked to the paparazzi in a parking garage. In the video, she eagerly shows them a bruise on her arm, saying that Paris Hilton “hit me last night, for no reason apparently,” and also that Paris poured a drink on her.
after a party in late november, a distraught lindsay approaches paparazzi to show a bruised arm, alleging paris had hit her. pic.twitter.com/6iyQkF3VCU
— popculturediedin2009 (@pcd2009) April 6, 2020
So that was midnight. Fast forward a few hours, and it was a very different story. Lindsay was hanging out at Brandon Davis’ bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel (I guess she got over the firecrotch thing?), and Elliot Mintz quickly arranged for Paris and Britney to get their asses over there. Later, Paris, Britney, and Lindsay all left the party together—you guessed it—crammed into Paris’ car.
In the paparazzi video, Lindsay tries to clarify her statement (from earlier that night) about Paris hitting her. With Elliot Mintz grabbing her arm, she says that Paris is “a nice person,” and that “everyone lies about everything.” Soooo she means that she was lying? Or that Elliot Mintz sent her a strongly worded text? Either way, this timeline is truly wild. Basically, the iconic photo of our three hot mess musketeers was a publicity stunt to defuse Lindsay’s claims about Paris, and I guess it worked? Everyone remembers the photo, but all of these paparazzi videos are actually blowing my mind. In a leaked email with Shanna Moakler from a couple weeks later, Lindsay says that the whole thing was “more of a photo-op,” and that Paris and Britney are “overrated.”
in a leaked e-mail exchange with shanna moakler (ex-wife of blink-182’s travis barker, whom paris hooked up with after their split, causing shanna to allegedly punch paris in the face at a club) lindsay reiterated the three musketeers act was a publicity stunt: pic.twitter.com/AhHddUxpxD
— popculturediedin2009 (@pcd2009) April 6, 2020
So what happened after that fateful night? Paris, Brittany, and Lindsay were never photographed all together again, and as we know, they all had their own separate issues going on. Lindsay and Paris both served short jail sentences in 2007, and I think we all know that 2007 wasn’t a great year for Britney Spears, either.
All in all, this thread is a wild ride, and I can’t get over these paparazzi videos. Of course, it’s fun to see Lindsay call Paris Hilton the C-word, but living like this looks like an actual nightmare. I would have a panic attack if there were photographers swarming my car at all times, so I can’t imagine what it’s like. But also, why were these people always driving themselves home from the club? I know Uber didn’t exist back then, but I’m pretty sure Paris Hilton could afford a driver. I digress. Thank you, pcd2009, for this incredible feud, which made me forget about coronavirus for a solid two hours. It’s the little things.
Images: Michael Caulfield Archive / Contributor / Getty Images; pcd2009 / Twitter
In these dark times, it can feel like there’s not a lot to look forward to, but today there’s a bright spot amid the darkness: Lindsay Lohan’s musical comeback has finally begun. On Friday, she released “Back To Me,” her first song since 2008, and aside from buying a $15 drink at a crowded bar, there’s nothing I could have wanted more right now.
This isn’t the first time Lindsay has teased a revival of her music career. Back in September of 2019, she posted a new song on YouTube called “Xanax,” along with a bizarre music video on Instagram. I was low-key obsessed with the song, but Lindsay quickly deleted it from every platform. “Xanax” is still floating around on the internet, but sadly, it didn’t become a number-one hit, and I can’t even add it to my Spotify playlists.
But this time, Lindsay seems like she’s back for real. She first announced her new single on Instagram a few days ago, with a short audio clip. In the post, Lindsay shared the meaning of her new song, making it sound pretty personal. In the caption, she says “the song is about rediscovering and accepting oneself, shutting out the noise and moving forward and letting the past go. Living in the now.” Sounds deep! From that description, you’d think that Lindsay wrote a song about her tumultuous life, and getting to a better place, right?
Well, the song came out last night, and because I’m weird, the first thing I did was look at the song credits on Spotify. I was curious what writers and producers she’s working with, but I was surprised at what I found. Turns out, Lindsay didn’t write the song! And I don’t mean she didn’t write it alone—she doesn’t even have a songwriting credit at all! One of the writers, ALMA, was also featured on “Xanax,” so at least it seems like they have a good working relationship. Whatever, love this personal journey of singing someone else’s song for her.
So I won’t bother getting into a detailed lyrical breakdown, because Lindsay Lohan probably doesn’t even have all the lyrics memorized herself, but let’s talk about the song in general. Basically, I’m obsessed with it. The lyrics are nothing special anyway, but it’s a total bop, and her voice actually sounds really good, and not too AutoTuned. It’s the perfect catchy club song, with an EDM-lite vibe that’s probably already being remixed by 1000 different producers. Whenever we can start going out again, I can’t wait to hear this song three times an hour at literally every gay bar in America. At this point, Lindsay probably won’t hit the top of the charts, but the gays will give her the support she needs.
So far, Lindsay hasn’t given us too many details about her music career 2.0, but in a New Year’s Eve interview with Andy Cohen, she did say she would be focusing on music in 2020. I’m hoping that means we’re getting an album, but releasing “Xanax” for real would be a great start. I don’t know if I see an acting career for Lindsay Lohan at this point, but music feels like the perfect lane for her right now. People forget how great some of Lindsay’s old music is (“Rumors” is iconic), but it’s time we start putting some respect on her name.
Images: Slaven Vlasic / Stringer; lindsaylohan / Instagram; Spotify
In the past couple years, we’ve talked a lot about Lindsay Lohan. From her perplexing Instagram posts to her dating choices to her canceled-too-soon reality show, Lindsay’s had a lot going on in her life. But her Middle Eastern antics aren’t half as crazy as what’s been going on with her parents. On Monday, Page Six reported that both of Michael Lohan’s ex-wives are now living together, and the whole situation sounds like a giant mess.
As a quick refresher, Michael and Dina Lohan are Lindsay’s parents, and they divorced in 2007. In 2014, Michael married Kate Major, but they later separated in 2015. To thicken the plot here, everyone involved has some legal issues they’re dealing with right now. So, with that in mind, let’s dive in.
In January, Dina Lohan was arrested for drunk driving and leaving the scene of an accident, and she’ll likely face jail time, as it’s her second DWI in a 10-year period. Then, on February 9th, Kate Major was arrested for driving while intoxicated. These people really need to learn to just call an Uber.
But that’s not all! The very next day, Michael Lohan was also arrested after police responded to a domestic complaint from Kate Major. She claimed he had become physically and verbally abusive, and he was subsequently charged with “criminal obstruction of breathing or blood circulation” and harassment. The reports about the incident were vague, but the obstruction of breathing charge basically means choking or strangulation. Then last week, Michael Lohan emailed the Page Six tips hotline (yes, really) claiming that Major had fabricated the assault claims as a retaliation for him calling in her DWI to the police. Oh my god, these people are absolute nightmares.
Unsurprisingly, this isn’t the first time Lohan and Major have had issues like this. In 2011, he was arrested for assaulting her, but they got back together after the incident. If you’re wondering why Lohan and Major even spend time in the same room (because it seems ill-advised to me), it’s because they have two young children together (whom they lost custody of at one point in 2015), so they can’t just avoid each other indefinitely.
But on to the weirdest part. As I mentioned, Page Six sources are saying that Dina and Kate are currently “holed up in a makeshift anti-Mike commune” at Dina’s house in Long Island, which sounds like the premise for the world’s bleakest reality show. (But, to be clear, I would definitely tune in every week.) Like, I would live for an E! show about two middle-aged women chugging red wine and sh*t-talking their mutual ex-husband. It’s like Real Housewives, but all with one husband, and way more depressing. Honestly, let’s get a Sister Wives spin-off for Michael Lohan’s ex-wives.
Here’s my favorite part: when Page Six called Kate Major to comment on if the story was true, Dina snatched the phone, saying that she’s “been through it all before,” and right now she’s “being a mother” to Kate. Well, I guess that’s one way to confirm the theory that they’re living together. Kate Major is obviously in need of some help, but I’m not sure Dina Lohan, who, again, is probably going to prison later this year, is really equipped to provide that. Also, on the phone, Dina confusingly said “I love you” to one of the reporters. I’m still haunted by the time I called my teacher “mom” in third grade, so I feel for Dina.
I don’t know if Dina and Kate had a friendship in the past or anything, but the fact that they’re living together now is wild. It kind of makes me sad, because it seems like Kate Major might not really have anywhere else to go. I’ve heard it said that no good friendship is founded on mutual hatred of someone else (even though my personal friendships would prove the exact opposite is true), and this Michael Lohan ex-wives club seems like it could be a recipe for disaster. I guess this is all just temporary because all these people will probably be in jail in six months, but still, yikes. You know it’s bad when Lindsay Lohan is the most stable one in the family.
Images: Bryan Steffy/Getty Images
Surprise, surprise! On Friday, Felicity Huffman was released from jail after serving 11 days of her 14-day sentence. In case you live under a rock, the former Desperate Housewife was put behind bars for paying $15,000 in the college admissions scam for her daughter to cheat on the SATs and boost her test scores. Yeah, the SATs are hard AF, but obviously this isn’t okay. It’s good that she got punished for what she did, but do 11 days in jail even really count, though?
To celebrate Felicity’s freedom after her truly grueling sentence, we decided to take a look back at some of the shortest celebrity jail stints of all time. It’s no big secret that the criminal justice system in our country is f*cked up, so yeah, these celebs probably got some special treatment. It sucks, but are you surprised?
Nicole Richie: 82 Minutes
Nicole Richie wins for shortest time in jail, like, ever. In 2007, she served 82 minutes in jail while five months pregnant, and was released due to overcrowding. I feel like it’s really irresponsible and stressful to be put in jail while you’re pregnant, especially if it’s that crowded and people can accidentally squish your pregnant belly? Idk, I don’t really know what jail is like. It is important to note that she wasn’t pregnant yet when she got arrested for a DUI, which would have been like, double irresponsible. Still not a great look tho, Nicole.
Lindsay Lohan: 84 Minutes
I’ve loved Lindsay Lohan since her Dad’s 26-year-old fiancé wanted to ship her off to Switzerland (oh wait, that wasn’t real?), and no matter how messy she’s turned out to be, I’ll always be by her side. Everyone remembers LiLo’s downfall after being one of the biggest movie stars of the early 2000s, and this jail sentence was at the peak of it all. She was arrested for—you guessed it!—drunk driving and possession of drugs, and was released early because of—you guessed it!—overcrowding. I feel like the mani pedi LiLo got for her court appearance probably took more time than she spent in jail. Hopefully she took the whole 84 minutes to think about her actions and turn her life around, but considering some of her more recent erratic behavior.
Khloé Kardashian: 3 hours
Before the age of selfies, before iPhones existed, before Instagram and Snapchat were a thing, Kim Kardashian did something that would turn out to be one of her most iconic moments. I will never forget the legendary moment when Kim wouldn’t stop taking pictures of herself while her sister, Khloé, was going to jail. Ultimately, Khloé was in jail for only three hours for violating probation from a DUI arrest, and people only remember it because of Kim’s self-obsessed selfie taking in the car on the way there. Kris Jenner saying “Kim, would you stop taking pictures? Your sister’s going to jail” honestly needs to be written on my grave. Of course, Khloé going to jail for three hours has turned into an entire paragraph about Kim. Ugh, Kim is such a selfish attention whore, and I absolutely love her for it.
Shia LaBeouf: 1 Day
Shia LaBeouf seems kinda random now, but he was in Holes, which was one of my literal favorite books/movies growing up. Although thinking about it now, I’m starting to realize that a plot about a boy being wrongfully sent to a brutal camp where the camp warden forces him to mysteriously dig holes is kind of abusive and f*cked up. Anyway, Shia went to jail for a single day for being really drunk in a hotel lobby. Apparently, he asked a bystander for a cigarette and when the person refused, Shia started swearing and yelling loudly in public. When the police told him to leave, he became aggressive toward the officer and ran to a nearby hotel where he was arrested. Don’t you kind of feel like one day in jail is a solid punishment for being an asshole?
Paul McCartney: 9 Days
Paul McCartney is massively famous for being a member of The Beatles, but there was one time in 1980 when he was also a massive dumbass. That year, he went to jail for nine days for being caught in Tokyo with half a pound of marijuana—at the airport. Paul, why the f*ck were you bringing marijuana to the airport? Well, obviously he didn’t care that much about going behind bars, because when he was released, he used his mugshot photo as a cover for his album. Thanks, jail!
Obviously, going to jail or prison is nothing to take lightly, but luckily for these celebs, their fame pretty much negated any actual effect it could’ve had on their careers. We’re still waiting to see what Lori Loughlin’s sentence will be for the college admissions scandal, but I have a feeling her treatment won’t be much different from any of these people.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
Over the past two months, we’ve documented the saga of Miley Cyrus and her relationship, and I’ll be honest, I’ve been starting to lose interest. I no longer have the energy to analyze every cringeworthy story and post with Cody Simpson, and her recent problematic behavior on Instagram just made her look even worse. I was about ready to check all the way out of following this story, but then one person came along and reeled me right back in. Ladies and gentlemen, enter one Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
On Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan, queen of delusion and possible future princess of Saudi Arabia, popped into the Miley/Cody narrative in a way that only she could. Last year, Cody spent a while dating Lindsay’s younger sister, Ali, but we’ve never had many details on their relationship, or why they broke up. Well, Lindsay has some sh*t to say, and she did so in a truly wild Instagram post (which has since been deleted):
Ohhhh boy. I really love Lindsay Lohan so much, and this is exactly why. While Miley Cyrus is busy claiming that being gay is a choice, Lindsay is giving a master class in how to be messy as f*ck without actually being offensive. A round of applause for LiLo, because this is a talent. Really, 10/10 work right here.
Before we even get to that whopper of a caption, Lindsay chose a really amazing photo here. It’s a blurry, black and white paparazzi photo of her sister and Cody together, which actually looks like it might be a picture of a physical photo. I’m not sure, but this is not high-res at all. But the photo is so great because Ali looks pissed off, or at least skeptical of whatever Cody is saying/doing. The caption is where Lindsay really shines here, but the photo sets it up perfectly.
But let’s get to that caption. After using the British spelling of “realize” to say that Cody failed, she says that he “settled for less” and TAGS HIM. I f*cking dying. No shade to Ali Lohan, but it’s kind of hilarious to think of anyone actually saying that going from her to Miley Cyrus is setting for less. Like, however you feel about Miley, she’s one of the most famous people on the planet, and Ali Lohan is…not.
After a confusing pair of emojis (wtf does the anchor mean??), Lindsay finishes off with a sentence that, I swear to god, I want on my grave: “family is everything you won the masked singer but you lost on your future”
AHHHHHHH. For anyone unaware, The Masked Singer is a singing competition show where celebrities compete while wearing elaborate masks, so no one actually knows who they are until the end. The show is entirely stupid, but pretty entertaining, but most of the celebs that do it are total has-beens. But what do you know, Cody Simpson just won the first season of the Australian version of the show literally last night, which is crazy because it’s been airing the whole time he’s been dating Miley. And who just so happened to be one of the judges on Masked Singer Australia? LINDSAY LOHAN.
Lindsay Lohan using the show that they just did together as a way to shade his behavior in his personal life is really masterful, and I’m obsessed. I’m assuming, from the tone of this post, that Cody broke up with Ali, and she’s basically saying that Cody threw his future away by dumping her. I mean, ouch. Who knows if this is actually an appropriate representation of what happened in their relationship, but it’s funny as f*ck.
Like I said, I was pretty much done with paying attention to Miley and Cody before this, but now I am RIGHT. BACK. IN. I will always turn up for any situation that Lindsay Lohan inserts herself into, so bring it on. Even though she deleted her post about Cody, I hope she’s not done being shady. I desperately need something to entertain myself these days, and Lindsay Lohan is the only one who can make me feel alive.
Images: Shutterstock; lindsaylohan / Instagram
Human beings contain multitudes. And even though celebrities are much prettier and richer than we can ever dream to be, they’re still human beings. So, celebrities may be vain, photogenic, calculating, and insecure creatures, but they are also so much more than that. They are also quick to throw around their name for personal gain, incredibly stupid, and bad at following rules. Wow, should we stop worshipping these people, or what? *wakes up from blackout* Sorry, I didn’t mean that, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll never stop worshipping you, Keanu! Anyway, because celebrities are so bad at following rules, they tend to get sued a lot. We just saw it happen with Amanda Stanton (I’m obviously using the term “celebrity” very liberally here), and she’s not the only one that’s run outside the bounds of the law—right, Felicity? So, let’s take a look at some of the most ridiculous celebrity lawsuits, because it’s not like you were actually going to do any real work at work today, sorry Karen!
Celebrities Who Were Sued For Using Paparazzi Shots Of Themselves
In addition to all the qualities I enumerated above, celebrities are also hypocrites. They say they don’t want the paparazzi to take their pictures, but *spoiler alert* they often call the paparazzi on themselves. You didn’t think the paps got those close-up photos of a celebrity couple’s romantic Rhode Island beach stroll because they just happened to be hanging out there, did you? Ohhh, you did? That’s so cute. Celebs also like to use those pap photos they’re so against on their own social media, for the times when I guess the 3,000 selfies on their camera roll just won’t suffice. Unfortunately this is actually illegal, because the celebrities don’t own those photos.
Over the past few years, this has gotten Ariana Grande, Khloé Kardashian, and Gigi Hadid into trouble.
Gigi was most recently sued for posting a picture last October that she was eventually forced to take down. She addressed the controversy on, what else, Instagram.
This post was way too long for me to read to the end (when I got to the “poor me, poor me, people take my picture outside my house” stuff I started wanting to take a bleach bath), but I believe the gist of it was that Gigi does not understand why she cannot post a picture of herself that someone else already got paid for. Well, Gigi, let me introduce you to a little thing called THE LAW that perhaps you would have learned about had you not been busy yachting in Cannes instead of attending the 9th grade. Just because you’re in a picture does not mean you own a picture. Copyright law protects photographers, and infringement could cost celebrities up to $150,000 a photo. I guess the moral of the story is that we should all just stick to posting heavily-edited photos our Instagram husbands took of us, mmmkay?
Michael Jordan
Most people would love to look like a celebrity. For instance, I would sacrifice both of my brothers and my mother’s new puppy to look like Margot Robbie. It turns out for some people that is not the case. Way back in 2006, when Kim’s sex tape was just a twinkle in Kris Jenner’s eye, a man named Allen Ray Heckard sued Michael Jordan and Nike for $832 million. He sued them for defamation, permanent injury, and emotional pain and suffering because, GET THIS: he is “constantly accused of looking like Michael” and it’s “very uncomfortable.” And how did he get this exorbitant number, you ask? He says, “Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and, ah, then I turn around and, ah, I figure that’s what it all boils down to.”
Heckard eventually dropped the suit because he realized that being mistaken for one of the world’s greatest athletes is just his cross to bear in this life (and also kind of a good thing?). Either that, or someone finally smacked some sense into him.
Mila Kunis
The Kunis/Kutcher clan is having a rough go this week, but not quite as rough as it was for Mila back in 2015 when she was sued for stealing a chicken. No, you did not just lose your grasp on the English language, yes, that did say she was sued for stealing a chicken. Let me explain.
When Mila was in first grade and living in the Ukraine, she was best friends with a girl named Kristina Karo. Kristina had a chicken named Doggie, because she was clearly a sociopath. One day, according to Kristina, Doggie disappeared and Mila confessed to taking him. Kristina claims this caused her emotional distress and drove her to therapy. Guys, was this the most explosive story to come out of Ukraine until the phone call? I think yes. Anyways, Mila got real famous, made a ton of money, and Kristina decided it was time for Mila to pay the piper. And the price? Five grand. Sorry, Doggie. I guess your life is only worth the price of a pair of sneakers Mila would buy her 2-year-old. Eventually the lawsuit was dropped because Kristina got the publicity she wanted “found it in her heart to forgive,” and decided “only God can judge.”
Lindsay Lohan
And finally, we’ll end with Lindsay Lohan, who has been sued multiple times, for multiple bizarre reasons. In 2007, Lindsay was sued for engaging in a “high-speed chase”. According to the suit, Lindsay commandeered another man’s car to chase her former assistant! And then! When she lost her assistant’s car, she decided to chase a different car! She eventually settled the case because this absolutely sounds like something 2007-era Lindsay would do and any judge would obviously convict.
In 2009, Lindsay was sued by Jennifer Sunday, her former business partner, for stealing the formula for Sevin Nyne tanning spray. Jennifer, are we sure we want to take any credit for this blight on humanity? It’s not even spelled correctly! Was that intentional? Or was Lindsay just tutored by a dog on the set of The Parent Trap? Plus, Lindsay’s shade of tan always ranges from Oompa Loompa to “I’m dressed like candy corn for Halloween,” so I think it would be best for anyone to keep their name off that.
^^do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.
And those are some of the most ridiculous celebrity lawsuits! I will keep you all updated on my personal lawsuits, now that I’m sure they’ll be suing me for all the harsh words I have written here today. Fingers crossed they only ask for $5,000!
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (3), gigihadid/Instagram
Lindsay Lohan is in kind of a weird place. After being one of the biggest movie stars of the early 2000s, she’s all but been banished to pursue random AF careers in the Middle East. After several years of failed relationships and business ventures (remember her candle line? Neither do I), what does she still have? Tbh, 2019 has been a rough year for her. Her club in Mykonos has closed, she lost her reality show along with it, and she was tragically not cast as Ariel in the live action Little Mermaid, despite her thirsty attempts on Twitter. But now, she’s finally making a return to something she was actually good at once upon a time: music.
Earlier this month, Lindsay Lohan released her first song in over a decade, and it’s kind of a bop. It’s called “Xanax,” which makes sense, because artists are always told to sing about what they know. The track was written with Finnish singer-songwriter ALMA, (who’s low-key one of my favorite artists), who has also co-written most of Miley Cyrus’ recent songs. No, Miley didn’t write “Slide Away” by herself on a yacht in Positano, that’s not how pop music works.
“Xanax” has a slow-burning tropical vibe, and the lyrics seem like they’re ripped straight from Lindsay’s life. She sings about how going out gives her social anxiety, but whoever she’s singing about is like Xanax to her. The lyrics are actually a little heartbreaking, because I tend to forget how much sh*t Lindsay Lohan has gone through in her life. She’s never had a normal life, and she’s obviously kind of f*cked up because of it (as many child stars are). Sadly, Lindsay hasn’t put the song on iTunes or any streaming services, but I would definitely have it on my Sad Boi Fall playlist.
Basically, I’m really vibing with the song, but the music video that Lindsay Lohan posted on IGTV yesterday is… different. First of all, it’s not really a music video. As Lindsay describes it in the caption, it’s “a compilation of vignettes of life.” Okay, so really this has more in common with a bat mitzvah montage than the kind of videos Taylor Swift and Beyoncé are making. She also tagged the wrong ALMA in the caption, because of course. Whatever, she hasn’t done this whole music thing in a long time, so I’ll cut her some slack.
In the bat mitzvah montage, we see random men skateboarding, heavily filtered selfie videos of Lindsay (seriously, that yellow filter is a crime), a still photo of Lindsay with the Ken Burns effect, and a lot of footage of Lindsay shaking hands with with men in suits and women wearing head coverings in a place that looks like a desert. While the whole thing feels really disjointed, I desperately need to know more about these people Lindsay is meeting with in a parking lot. Are these foreign dignitaries? Refugees she’s screamed at? Dictator princes that Lindsay might potentially be dating? I have so many questions.
And then, the video ends with a random man in a hoodie talking about how “Becky is such a bitch.” WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHO IS THIS MAN? And who is Becky?? Is this a random TikTok that LiLo thought was funny, or does she know this person? Lindsay, you gotta help us out with this, because I need so much more information. In her IGTV caption, Lindsay spews some bullsh*t about “family, love, the process of moving forward and letting go of the past,” but I really just want to know who all of these people are.
I’m excited to see if Lindsay keeps up with the new music, because I genuinely do like the song. But for the next single, let’s put together an actual music video, k? In any case, here’s the audio version on YouTube, in case you want to listen to the song on repeat, but can’t handle the bizarre visuals of the video.
Welcome back, pop star LiLo, we missed you!
Images: lindsaylohan / Instagram; LindsayLohanVevo / YouTube
