I’ve always said that being hot is really 75% just proper hygiene. Just looking clean and polished ups your hotness ratio by a lot. (I mean, except if you’re a guy living in LA, and then somehow you’re allowed to look filthy and still be considered hot because it’s “grunge”.) Celebrities have the means to push this further. Even without the plastic surgeons, they have access to the best hair stylists, very expensive extensions and wigs, the most skilled makeup artists, personal trainers, personal chefs, and the list goes on and on. Meanwhile, looking my best as a regular person means putting on makeup in 10 minutes and poorly curling my hair—maybe putting on jeans instead of leggings (but usually not, jeans are formal wear, everyone knows that). But really, if we all had Kardashian money and access, how much better looking would we be?

Well, I decided to put that question to the test. Not by somehow becoming an overnight billionaire, but by taking a look at what the Kardashians used to look like before all the money and the fame. The Kardashian-Jenner clan were always rich, let’s make that clear, but once they got in the public eye, they started really shelling out cash for their appearance. So what does being rich and having access to the the best of the beauty world do to your face? Let’s take a look.

Kim

Kim went from styling her makeup like Jafar to a “natural” look. (I put “natural” in quotes because it still probably takes her a ton of makeup to get there.) Kim talking about makeup was the first time I had even heard the word “contour,” and say what you will, but she heavily influenced the way all of us think about makeup. She really does look like an entirely different person from her past self, and for some reason, also stopped smiling in photos. Is that a rich person thing or from the Botox?

Khloé

I really thought that Khloé would look the most different due to her dramatic weight loss, but really, she was actually pretty thin before she was mega-famous. Now she’s just super ripped and in shape. In addition to the obvious hair color change, Khloé got a tan, is no longer subject to normal human problems like oily skin, enhanced her lips, and is “contouring” her nose differently. I will say, the makeup is definitely better! Why did we all think having shiny lips was a good look?

Kourtney

I always felt like Kourtney had the least amount of work done of her entire family, but this photo makes her face seem pretty significantly different. One thing being that she looks super miserable in every single photo now. Is that part of being “high fashion”? Or is that just proving what they say about money not buying you happiness? IDK. What I do know is that years of the best makeup artists got Kourt to grow out her brows and stop with the heavy-handed black liner. I say, from my high horse, although this was my *exact* look in middle school, too. Complete with the hoop earrings! It was just of the times for a regular person. But the money definitely changed Kourt from being subjected to us regular people trends (and, from the looks of it, also changed her nose).

Kris

Kris was always cute, and now she’s still cute, but she kinda looks like an entirely different person. Since her early days, Kris grew out her hair, got lash extensions, a new nose, and thicker eyebrows. She also lightened up the makeup, which makes her look way younger, but somehow has less wrinkles in the recent photo than the before thanks to her documented facelift and Botox.

Kendall

Kendall and Kylie are harder to show because they were literal children before they started their cyborg transformation. But I tried to find photos of them in their late teens. I always thought Kendall looked the most natural out of all of them, with most of her changes being to her makeup, nose, lips, and learning how to serve ~lewks~. Seriously, can Kendall teach me how to pose? I’m sick of looking awkward in every photo. I will say that her lips definitely look fuller, and not just from overlining them, but that’s neither here nor there.

Kylie

In a correlation that is definitely related, Kylie has the most money and has changed the most. Aside from being a child in the original photo, clearly there is a lot going on for this total glow-up. Surgery/fillers aside, the biggest changes to Kylie’s face really look like they’re from just having the best of the best makeup and hair people. Before, she did her makeup like every other 14-year-old. Now she looks like a true celebrity, with perfectly filled brows, contour, super long lashes—the works.

This goes to show, with enough money, we could all look like these celebrities. It’s been said before, but I’ll say it again: nobody’s ugly, just poor.

Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; Jeff Vespa/WireImage; Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Sean Combs; ANDREAS BRANCH/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images; Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for UCLA; Michael Caulfield/WireImage; Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Dior Men; Ron Galella, Ltd./Ron Galella Collection via Getty Images; Erik Voake/Getty Images for ThinkBIG!, Nazarian Institute; Michael Tran/FilmMagic via Getty Images; Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images; Stefanie Keenan / Getty Images; Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic via Getty Images

It’s been over a month since we first found out about Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott’s breakup, and I’m finally ready to admit that it’s probably real. Even though I was highly skeptical about the timing of the split with Travis’ new song, things between them have been pretty quiet lately. It seems like they’re still on good terms when it comes to parenting Stormi, but that’s all that’s going on. Fine, I’ll accept that I was wrong, and the breakup wasn’t just a publicity stunt.

But now that the dust has settled from Kylie’s split with Travis, there are already lots of rumors about who she is seeing these days, and uh, they’re saying it’s Drake. That’s right, Kylie Jenner has been spending time with Champagne Papi himself, and I really don’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, this isn’t that shocking, because Drake has known the Kardashian-Jenner family for a long time, and he’s obviously Kylie’s type because he is a rapper. But on the other hand, why the f*ck would Drake, who has worked with Travis Scott in the past, want to start seeing Kylie just weeks after she broke up with his friend?! That seems messy, even by these people’s standards.

But let’s back up a little, because we don’t know for sure that anything is really going on here. There are a lot of contradicting sources happening here, so let’s go through what’s being reported on both sides. The one thing that’s not in question at all is what kicked off these rumors: Kylie attending Drake’s birthday party. The party took place in Hollywood a couple weeks ago, and at the time it was mostly notable because Adele was there looking extremely hot. But Kylie was there too, and she also attended his Halloween party last week, where, according to a People source, she stayed “super late.”

People spoke to at least three sources about the pair, with one confirming that Kylie and Drake “have been spending time together recently,” and adding that “They’ve been friends for a long time and Drake is very close to the family.” This we already knew, and both Kylie and Kendall attended Drake’s New Year’s party at the beginning this year. But another People source claimed that things have change, saying that they’ve been seeing each other “romantically” since Kylie’s split with Travis last month. And I go half a year in between dates…

But wait! There are a bunch of anonymous sources here, and they’re not all in agreement over what’s actually going on. One source told People that Kylie and Drake are “just friends,” and a second also denied that they’re dating. So basically, there are way too many anonymous sources talking about this, and no one knows what’s actually happening. We know that Kylie and Drake are friends, and it seems pretty certain that they’ve been hanging out recently, but this could be platonic, a full-blown relationship, or basically anywhere in between.

Whatever is happening, Us Weekly spoke to yet another anonymous source, who commented on Travis’ feelings about this. When asked about the Drake situation, the source said, “Travis harbors no ill will to any of Kylie’s friends,” which is pretty vague, but okay. If Travis was actually super upset about this, he probably wouldn’t say anything about it, and this source doesn’t confirm things one way or the other.

Honestly, I would be surprised if Kylie and Drake are anything more than friends with benefits, but you never know what crazy sh*t is going to happen with this family. I mean, there was a time when it seemed like a crazy rumor that Kim Kardashian might be dating Kanye West, and now they’re married with four kids. You truly never know with these people. For now, I guess we’ll just enjoy what the 750 anonymous sources have to say, and try to make some sense of things. I’m sure Kris Jenner is working overtime leaking information to all of these press outlets, making sure that we have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Can’t wait to see the manufactured real truth five months from now on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Images: Shutterstock

For over a decade, the Kardashian-Jenner family has been on an odyssey of fame that’s pretty unprecedented. Through their TV projects, business ventures, and the power of social media, the Kardashians have built an undeniable empire, but it wasn’t always that way. No matter how many businesses the Kardashians start, or how many billions of dollars they rake in, their fame can still be boiled down to one pivotal moment: Kim’s sex tape. Though the family was mildly well-known for Robert Kardashian’s role in the OJ Simpson trial and Kris’s marriage to Caitlyn Jenner, none of them fell anywhere close to the A-list. 

In 2019, it’s hard to imagine what the world would be like without them…but what if we did imagine? In honor of matriarch Kris Jenner’s 64th birthday, let’s make some wild predictions about where the Kardashians and Jenners would be if Kim’s sex tape had never happened.

Kim Kardashian

Without the sex tape, Kim Kardashian obviously still tried her best to get famous. After her stint as Paris Hilton’s assistant, she sucked up to some other celebrity just long enough to make it in the background of some TMZ photos. She ended up married to one of those NFL players who got traded to four different teams without ever actually playing in a game, and they’re now unhappily married and living in Nashville or Orlando or somewhere like that. She models new arrivals for a local boutique on Instagram, and gets paid in store credit. It’s what she deserves.

Kourtney Kardashian

Kourtney started dating Scott Disick in 2006, and honestly, I don’t think their relationship would have been too different without the TV cameras, except for the part where they broke up for good. They probably got married when she got pregnant for the first time, and then Scott got in trouble for some shady business deals. Sorry to Kourt, but Younes isn’t in the cards here. Instead, Kourtney now takes care of her four kids while Scott serves his white-collar crime prison sentence. Luckily, she’s the only sister with a college degree, so she got a receptionist job with flexible hours.

Khloé Kardashian

After being cut off by her mom at the age of 23, Khloé moved into a small apartment in Hollywood and got a job as a nail technician. She’s worked at the same nail salon since 2007, and has over 20,000 followers on her nail art account. She met a guy online who said he would pay for her to get several cosmetic procedures, but he turned out to be a catfish living in Alabama. She was supposed to be featured on an episode of Catfish, but it never aired because she assaulted the man on camera, and the police seized the footage. She got off with probation, so at least this version of Khloé never went to jail.

Kylie Jenner

After graduating from high school, Kylie spent half a semester at Arizona State before moving back home because she “wasn’t vibing with it.” After a year of realizing things doing nothing, Kylie got a job as a bottle service girl at a club in LA, where she met and began dating a much-older Hollywood executive. They got married in Mykonos, and none of her family was invited. And yes, her lips are still huge.

Kendall Jenner

Thanks to her long legs, Kendall Jenner still became a model, but without those insane family connections, she’s not walking the runways of Paris and Milan or on the cover of Vogue. Her big break was doing the in-store photos for Gap once a few years ago, and since then she’s mostly done Kohl’s catalogues and some commercial work. She’s saving up to get her own place, but for now she lives with five roommates in a three-bedroom apartment in Downtown LA.

Kris Jenner

Though Kris was already managing her daughters in 2006, after a couple of years there was nothing really left to manage. After her divorce from Caitlyn Jenner, Kris moved in with Kim and her husband in Nashville or Orlando or wherever, and she now spends her days drinking screwdrivers and harassing her divorce attorney to get her more alimony. When Kylie got married to her rich husband, Kris tried to sneak into the wedding, but she got escorted off the premises by security. 

Rob Kardashian

Rob, Rob, Rob…where would Rob Kardashian be now? Actually, he did okay, graduating from USC with a business degree in 2009, and later following in his father’s footsteps by going to law school. He passed the California Bar exam on his third try and quickly established himself as a defense attorney. But after representing Scott in the case that got him sent to prison, his career stalled. He now works at an insurance company doing sales, and he married the receptionist, a woman named Angela Renée White. So yeah, Blac Chyna really became Angela Renée Kardashian after all. And they lived happily ever after.

Images: Giphy (7)

Yesterday was a big day in Kardashian-land, as Khloé Kardashian celebrated her 35th birthday. As is customary for the Kardashians, Khloé’s birthday party was a lavish affair designed to look cool on Instagram, and as usual, I’m mad that my invitation seemed to get lost in the mail. But looking at the party, some things started to seem a little bit familiar. It might just be that I know too much about historic Kardashian parties, but was Khloé’s party theme recycled?

Come with me for a moment while I take a journey back in time. The date was May 21st, 2019 (oky, not that far back in time) and everyone who matters in Calabasas was at the launch party for Kylie Skin. Obviously the entire Kardashian crew was there, along with other VIP guests like Caitlyn Jenner and James Charles. The party was a millennial pink wonderland, complete with a life-size glass magazine cover photobooth and a whole-ass roller rink.

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Another magical Kylie Party brought to life by @mindyweiss & team. Thank you for always bringing my visions to life so beautifully. Last night was SO MUCH FUN! Omg the best night with the best people. Thank you God ? so so blessed. @kylieskin

A post shared by Kylie (@kyliejenner) on May 22, 2019 at 5:52pm PDT

The party was the exact brand of extra that the Kardashians prefer, where every single detail is exactly coordinated, and it probably looks way more fun on Instagram than it is in real life. The food at the party notably looked like reheated crap made in an Easy Bake oven, including French fries, pizza, and ramen noodles (??).

Last night, Khloé documented all the ridiculous things at her birthday party on her Instagram story, and while there were beautiful flowers from Jeff Leatham (who I’m pretty sure is just locked in Kris Jenner’s basement at this point), some of the other stuff basically looked like it came from the Kylie Skin launch.

Exhibit A: This millennial pink room/area/display set up specifically for photos. Every Kardashian party has photo areas or booths, but Khloé specifically thanked “Auntie Kylie” for setting up the pink gym. At Kylie’s party, there was a fake pink bathroom, the pink magazine cover, and an entire wall of pink roller skates. How many pink backgrounds can you pose in front of?

Exhibit B: The food. On KoKo’s story, she specifically showed off some disgusting looking grilled cheese sandwiches with pink cheese. I don’t know why anyone would want to eat this, but Kylie also had pink food at her party. There was sushi with pink rice, as well as fries and other things that came in special pink containers.

Exhibit C: The drinks. Khloé posted a photo of the specialty drink menu at her party, which of course was millennial pink and themed to her. This is suspiciously similar to Kylie’s party, which has specialty coconut blush drinks that were, you guessed it, pink!! Both of these parties were extreme in the dedication to the pink theme, which makes it seem like one of them really should have chosen a different color.

Exhibit D: Their faces. At Khloé’s birthday party, there were paddles with cutouts of her current face. But honestly, at first glance, I really thought it was a photo of Kylie. All of these women are just morphing closer and closer to being the same, and Khloé’s face has been damn near unrecognizable lately. At this rate, Kris Jenner will probably just get some extensions and reuse these for her next birthday, because she’s been looking extra tight lately.

Honestly, who is this woman? It’s spooky how different she looks.

I hope Khloé Kardashian had a great birthday, and of course, I don’t really think any of these decorations at Khloé’s birthday party were literally recycled from Kylie’s skincare launch. That would be far too practical for this family. After all, we can’t forget that Kylie is the one who literally planned an entire music festival for her daughter’s first birthday. But maybe for the next party we can do a green theme, or at least a different shade of pink?

Images: khloekardashian (5), kyliejenner / Instagram

Oh boy, Kim Kardashian has done it again. I swear, the amount of times members of this family have gotten in trouble for cultural appropriation, at this point it seems like they’re just being willfully ignorant. Kim K is in the cultural appropriation hot seat this week, all because of her brand new line of shapewear she just announced.

In the pantheon of Kardashian businesses, it’s hard to imagine a better fit than Kim making shapewear. Her body is legendary, and she’s worn her fair share of garments that obviously required some intense smoothing. She’s talked about cutting up Spanx before to conceal them under skimpy outfits. And her new line of shapewear c0mes in a wide range of colors and sizes, to be more accessible to more people! All of this sounds great, so what’s the problem here?

It’s f*cking called Kimono.

Finally I can share with you guys this project that I have been developing for the last year.
I’ve been passionate about this for 15 years.

Kimono is my take on shapewear and solutions for women that actually work.

Photos by Vanessa Beecroft pic.twitter.com/YAACrRltX3

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 25, 2019

Honestly, I was taken aback when I first saw Kim’s announcement post. Despite all of the drama that this family has put us through for the past decade, this seemed like an especially wild move. Obviously I get the play on words with Kim’s name, but did no one ever stop to think that this might not be an amazing idea? And not only did Kim think it was okay, but celeb after celeb was commenting praise!

Even Chrissy Teigen, source of love and laughs and all that is good on the internet, didn’t seem to see any problem with Kimono.

I’m sending you the biggest package ever!!! Your gonna love!!! https://t.co/gaDXmnhw22

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 25, 2019

Ugh ugh ugh. Even though the famous people of Instagram and Twitter didn’t seem to get the issue, it didn’t take long for the backlash to start on social media. The comments on Kim’s post are flooded with criticism, and many people of Japanese heritage took to Twitter to shame Kim for her blatant disregard for an important aspect of Japanese culture.

One is KIMONO. One is Kim shamelessly selling a line of shapewear. Which y’all don’t need. #kimono pic.twitter.com/6mP0oDqPvn

— Tamlyn Tomita (@thetamlyntomita) June 25, 2019

Even though this is messy, there are lots of beautiful photos on Twitter of Japanese women wearing actual kimonos at weddings and other important events. It’s bad enough when women wear those dumb flowy shawl things and call them kimonos, because they’re literally not. (Dear everyone reading this, stop calling that a kimono.) But this is a whole other level of taking something and distorting it for your benefit.

Not only is Kim Kardashian using a word from Japanese culture for something that has nothing to do with Japanese culture, but she literally took ownership of it. People got especially mad after finding out that Kim trademarked “Kimono” and a variety of other related terms surrounding her shapewear line. It’s remarkable that someone actually let a white woman trademark a traditional Japanese style of clothing, but I’m hardly even surprised anymore.

Kimono: has a centuries long rich history and is deeply embedded in the traditions and culture of a country.

Kim Kardashian: OMg It hAs mY nAmE iN iT!#Kimohno

— Kyla Hsia (@kylahsia) June 26, 2019

Kim Kardashian hasn’t bothered to respond to any of the criticisms yet, and I kind of doubt she will. Yeah, she’s getting a fair amount of backlash on her social media, but there are probably thousands more people who will buy her shapewear without a second thought. I don’t hate the Kardashians in general, but it’s so frustrating that they keep doing this sh*t that could so easily be avoided. Sometimes we might overreact to the things these people do, but to me, it’s pretty bad that Kim is going to directly profit off of something she took from another culture.

So I guess, like, buy some other shapewear and cut it if you need to? Or tweet at Kim a bunch and hope she changes the name? Idk what the proper solution is here, but Kimono is definitely a yikes.

Updated: In a move that honestly surprised me, Kim apologized for cultural appropriation in a recent Instagram post. Well, sort of. She acknowledged that she had received backlash to the line (which she doesn’t typically do) and then said that she would be changing the name of her shape wear line.

 

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Being an entrepreneur and my own boss has been one of the most rewarding challenges I’ve been blessed with in my life. What’s made it possible for me after all of these years has been the direct line of communication with my fans and the public. I am always listening, learning and growing – I so appreciate the passion and varied perspectives that people bring to me. When I announced the name of my shapewear line, I did so with the best intentions in mind. My brands and products are built with inclusivity and diversity at their core and after careful thought and consideration, I will be launching my Solutionwear brand under a new name. I will be in touch soon. Thank you for your understanding and support always.

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jul 1, 2019 at 6:49am PDT

“Being an entrepreneur and my own boss has been one of the most rewarding challenges I’ve been blessed with in my life,” she wrote. “What’s made it possible for me after all of these years has been the direct line of communication with my fans and the public. I am always listening, learning and growing – I so appreciate the passion and varied perspectives that people bring to me. When I announced the name of my shapewear line, I did so with the best intentions in mind. My brands and products are built with inclusivity and diversity at their core and after careful thought and consideration, I will be launching my Solutionwear brand under a new name. I will be in touch soon. Thank you for your understanding and support always.”

This is a pretty big departure from the way Kim tends to respond to criticism and controversies, which is to bury her head in the sand, say nothing, and wait for it to blow over (see: every other accusation of cultural appropriation and blackface in the past). But the backlash to this incident seemed more widespread than usual, with even the mayor of Kyoto urging Kim to change the name of her shapewear line from Kimono to… literally anything else. In a letter, he asked her to “reconsider your decision of using the name kimono in your trademark”, and even invited her to Kyoto to experience kimono culture for herself. So if you see Kim Kardashian Instagramming from Japan in a few days, you know why!

We don’t know yet what Kim is going to change the line of her name to be, but if I had to guess, it’s probably going to be something equally tone-deaf. Can’t wait!

Images: Shutterstock; KimKardashian (2), thetamlyntomita, kylahsia / Twitter; KimKardashian / Instagram

It’s been a weird few years in the life of Rob Kardashian, and I have many questions about his life. Ever since his relationship with Blac Chyna crashed and burned back in 2017, Rob has pretty much been back in exile. He’ll resurface every once in a while, but mostly he just gets half-hearted birthday wishes from his siblings on Instagram. It’s been ages since he’s been seen at a major family event like the Kylie Skin launch party, and he doesn’t even make it on the family Khristmas Kard.

Yesterday, something seemed off when Kris Jenner all of a sudden posted telling people to go follow Rob’s Instagram page. I mean, is Rob Kardashian really that desperate for followers? Does he even really use his Instagram? A quick look at his feed shows that he first posted last summer, but then wasn’t active again until a couple weeks ago. Most of the posts are just ads for his sock line, Arthur George, which is apparently still a thing. Sidenote: if you’ve ever bought Arthur George socks, please detail your experience in the comments.

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Everyone go follow @robkardashianofficial!!! ❤️

A post shared by Kris Jenner (@krisjenner) on Jun 4, 2019 at 6:49pm PDT

Kourtney Kardashian also posted an Instagram story on Wednesday telling everyone to go follow Rob. These posts seemed a little fishy to begin with—what does Rob Kardashian have going on that he desperately needs this thirsty publicity from his mom and sister? I already had questions, but then I noticed something on Rob’s profile that made my head spin.

“Account managed by Jenner Communications.”

WHAT. Okay, first thing, why is Rob Kardashian not running his own Instagram account? But more importantly, WHAT THE F*CK IS JENNER COMMUNICATIONS? Does Kris have a secret communications empire that we know nothing about? Does Kris have secret agents everywhere? Is this *literally* a case for the FBI? All I know is that my new mission in life is to go undercover and intern at Jenner Communications.

I did a little digging, and I’m pleased to announce that I found the website for Jenner Communications…which might actually be called Kardashian Jenner Communications, it’s a little hard to tell.

This looks…janky, and it also does nothing to convince me that Jenner Communications isn’t a front for the FBI. The page for Jenner Communications on Glassdoor has three employee reviews that are all completely negative, but to be fair, I’m not convinced that any of these people actually worked there.

Omg. Imagine having Kris Jenner as your boss at an internship. If I walked into my summer internship and the first task I was given was managing Rob Kardashian’s sock Instagram, I would faint from excitement. Speaking of Rob’s Instagram, let’s get back to the real issue at hand here: why isn’t Rob Kardashian managing his own Instagram account?

The good people at TMZ got the important info directly from Instagram. Apparently, Rob Kardashian is still banned from Instagram for posting revenge porn of Blac Chyna back in 2017. That seems like it was longer ago, but it was honestly horrifying, so he deserves it. Due to the ban, Rob’s official Instagram account is technically a fan account, and there are specific guidelines about how it has to be managed.

First, Rob isn’t allowed to create or post any of the content on the account, which explains why it’s managed by Jenner Communications (aka the FBI, I’m sure of it). Additionally, the bio and all of the captions for the account can’t be written in first person. Basically, Instagram wants everyone to know that Rob has nothing to do with his account. According to TMZ, Insta has no plans to lift Rob’s ban anytime soon. I’m fine with that.

So basically, Rob Kardashian is still banned from Instagram, which means that some poor lucky intern has to post the photos of the Arthur George DILF socks. Sadly, it’s not me. Brb, going to go devote my life to being a Jenner Communications truther. It’s the only thing that matters to me now.

Images: krisjenner, robkardashianofficial / Instagram; Kardashian Jenner Communications; Glassdoor

In recent years, the customer service industry has seen a major shift. We’re all sick of calling helplines and being put on hold for two hours before speaking to a robot, so we’ve taken to Twitter to voice our concerns. If your flight is canceled, tweeting angrily at an airline is honestly the best route to getting your situation figured out. Just like the rest of us, celebrities experience poor customer service, and surprisingly, it seems like they don’t have some special, secret channel to get these things sorted out. Instead, they just tweet at Jack in the Box to fix their problems.

Back in January, Gigi Hadid became the laughing stock of the internet when she decided to put Postmates on blast on her Twitter. Unlike normal people, Gigi has plenty of money to send her own personal assistant to pick up her food, so it felt petty and unnecessary for her to complain. Yesterday afternoon, Kim Kardashian hopped on Twitter with some strongly worded thoughts about Jack in the Box, but was she actually using her power for the greater good? Let’s analyze what went down.

Hey, Jack In The Box I have a serious complaint but I won’t fully put you on blast, check your corporate email inbox or send me a DM with direct person for my team to contact. Pronto!

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) May 20, 2019

In her first tweet, Kim thoughtfully notes that she doesn’t want to fully put Jack in the Box on blast, but I feel like she kinda already did? Idk, tweeting to 60 million followers that you don’t want to put someone on blast is only slightly better than actually putting them on blast. That’s just how the rules of blasting work. This is basically the equivalent of sending an email to your whole company asking one specific coworker to please get back to you ASAP. Even if it’s important, you still look like the petty one.

While Kim was deliberately vague about what Jack in the Box did wrong, one theory immediately came to mind:

When they charge you for extra sauce https://t.co/ElZMS7kHDY

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) May 20, 2019

Did they get Kim’s order wrong at the drive thru? Did Kanye’s kids meal not come with the right toy? Did they not adhere to some crazy specific dietary restriction that Psalm West already has? I feel like Kim Kardashian is not an easy person to please, so there are literally seven million things that could have gone wrong at Jack in the Box to make her pop off. Maybe the restaurant’s design aesthetic wasn’t minimalist enough for her? I could keep coming up with these all day, but then Kim tweeted an important clarification:

I would like to add that this is not about me or a wrong order. Nobody recognized me and it’s something that I observed that affected other customers at this particular location that was concerning.

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) May 20, 2019

This isn’t petty, selfish Kim. It’s wannabe lawyer, free the people, Good Samaritan Kim! This version of Kim is honestly my favorite. They should make a Marvel movie about her. She’s like Captain America, just with better style and a more impressive handbag collection. I’ll be honest, now I’m even more curious to know what grave injustice was going on at an unspecified Jack in the Box location, probably in Los Angeles. Was someone in danger? Were there bugs in the food? Was the bathroom out of toilet paper??? We may never know, but at least we can rest easy knowing that Captain Kim did everything she could.

Luckily, Kim got back to us a few short hours later, assuring us that Jack in the Box got back to her and fixed the problem. Thank god, because I would not have been able to sleep without this update. Someone at the Calabasas Jack in the Box probably got fired over this, but at least now the bathroom soap dispensers will be refilled in a timely manner.

Thank you @JackBox for the quick response and handling the situation!

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) May 21, 2019

While this whole situation definitely entertained me for the better part of an afternoon, I’ve gotta say that my favorite celebrity tweet about a customer service experience still belongs to SZA tweeting about Sephora from a few weeks ago:

Lmao Sandy Sephora location 614 Calabasas called security to make sure I wasn’t stealing . We had a long talk. U have a blessed day Sandy

— SZA (@sza) May 1, 2019

Hello, yes, 911, can you please send someone to go check on Sandy? While celebrities complaining about normal person things is usually annoying, I’m obsessed with SZA tweeting this. She really dragged Sandy from Sephora location 614 Calabasas to hell and back.

Meanwhile, Captain Kim is probably roaming around other fast food locations in the Greater Los Angeles Area, looking for injustices that need to be stopped. God bless Kim, our Avenger queen.

Images: Shutterstock; @kimkardashian (3), @betchesluvthis / Twitter