Coming off of season eight of Vanderpump Rules, it’s fair to say that the future of the show is more than a little uncertain. The show has almost always filmed during the summer months, but with the ongoing pandemic shuttering the restaurants at the center of the show, that timeline obviously wasn’t going to work. We still don’t know when filming for a ninth season will commence, but more than that, we don’t even know who will be on the ninth season, or how the show will move forward after the extreme controversy of the past few months. (Or if it should move forward, depending on who you ask.)
As we all know by now, season nine, if it goes forward, won’t feature Max, Brett, Stassi, or Kristen, who were all dropped from the show in June following renewed attention on their past problematic behavior. That controversy feels like it was a year ago, but there’s never a dull moment with the Vanderpump crew, and now there’s fresh controversy surrounding another one of last season’s newbies, Danica Dow. On the show, Danica, an assistant manager, was dating SUR bartender Brett Willis (different Brett), and throughout the season, there were numerous references to the couple getting in major fights and arguments. At one point, Danica was even suspended from SUR for fighting with Brett at the restaurant.
They’ve since broken up, and their tumultuous relationship is now playing out in the legal system. Earlier this month, Danica received a restraining order against Brett, after she claimed that he “broke into her home and cut up her clothes.” But Brett quickly filed his own restraining order against Danica, and his version of the events are drastically different than Danica’s. In his filing, obtained by TMZ, he says that Danica “was pissed he wouldn’t clean his dish until after a 90 Day Fiancé episode ended,” and she ultimately grabbed his neck, “digging her nails deep and pulling hard enough to scratch off some skin.” He also alleged that another similar attack happened several months prior, and she also bit his arm, drawing blood. Brett’s restraining order was granted, and they’re now required to stay 10 feet away from each other when they’re working together at Pump (which is open for outdoor dining), and 100 yards otherwise. Yup, they still work together, which doesn’t sound unsafe at all.
Perez Hilton recently published a photo of the alleged bite mark that Danica left on Brett’s arm, and it looks f*cking serious. Obviously, these two should not be around each other, but Danica’s abusive behavior could, and should, cost her a spot on Vanderpump Rules. We’ve already seen flashes of Danica’s aggressive tendencies on the show, like at the TomTom anniversary party, where Lisa kicked her out after she got into a fight with Vegas Scheana Karrah. According to Perez’s source, given the recent developments, many of the VPR cast members “do not feel comfortable around Danica,” saying that she has “anger issues.” On a show like this, there’s a fine line between being messy in a fun way and being a toxic liability, and it seems likely that Danica falls into the latter category. Vanderpump Rules already has a complicated history of giving a platform to abusers and all-around problematic people, so hopefully the decision-makers avoid going down that path this time.
Okay, so Danica’s future on the show is uncertain, but is season nine even happening? Pump and TomTom are now open for outdoor dining, but SUR is still closed completely, and it’s unclear when that will change. But Lisa Vanderpump recently spoke to Entertainment Tonight, and though she said timing is up in the air, another season is definitely happening. She confirmed that “there are new cast members,” and that we can expect more diversity in the cast. According to her, the main reason the cast has been almost exclusively white is because her BIPOC employees just aren’t interested in being on camera. She said that “our companies are like the United Nations” but that “it’s really up to people that want to be front and center.” Uh… okay, sure.
Lisa also told ET that if it were up to her, Stassi and Kristen would still be on the show. She said that she is “not into just kind of getting rid of people, because they get it wrong,” and that she wishes they had a second chance on the show to “have a better understanding of where they went wrong.” Well, sadly for them, they won’t have the reality TV paycheck, but hopefully they’re still just as committed to owning their sh*t.
Moving down the list, Scheana Shay has been making big moves this summer. Last month, she announced on Twitter that she was moving to San Diego with her boyfriend Brock, which naturally raised a lot of questions about her future on Vanderpump Rules. Thankfully, she quickly cleared up our concerns, clarifying that the move makes sense now because she doesn’t have a reason to be paying rent in LA, but she’ll definitely come back once “work opens”, which is obviously code for “once I’m getting paid to pretend to work on camera.”
Y’all just bc I’m moving now, does NOT mean I’m quitting the show. I love my job!! We aren’t filming right now. SUR/LA is closed. I’m wasting so much $ on rent and I’m lonely all the way out in PS. It just makes sense. Once work opens/picks back up, I will too have an apt in LA!
— 🏳️🌈Scheana (@scheana) July 21, 2020
Honestly, good for Scheana. She seems happier in San Diego anyway, and at this point, she has enough money that she can just get an apartment in LA for the four months out of the year that she actually needs to be in LA for filming. (I just Googled condos in San Diego, and sadly, I am not rich enough to do this. Maybe by next pandemic!)
As for Jax Taylor, for a minute there, it really seemed like he was going to be fired along with Stassi and Kristen, but somehow it appears he weathered the storm. Last month, an “insider” told Us Weekly that Jax “definitely plans to return” for the upcoming ninth season. Great. Who wants this? Jax has spent his summer between LA and Kentucky, where he and Brittany hung out with Kristen and Summer House alum Stephen McGee. Sounds fun. Jax also recently posted his negative COVID results on Twitter, sharing that he has “piece” of mind now.
Piece of mind. pic.twitter.com/CBSsz2uyVn
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) August 14, 2020
So, where does all of this information leave us when it comes to a ninth season of Vanderpump Rules? We’ll definitely be seeing Scheana and Jax, and we’ll hopefully be seeing more of this diversity that Lisa is bragging about. We definitely won’t be seeing Stassi, Kristen, Max, or Brett, and it seems pretty unlikely that they’ll risk having Danica around for another season. And of course, we have no f*cking clue when any of this will actually be happening. Isn’t 2020 fun?!
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Images:Chris Haston/Bravo; scheana, mrjaxtaylor / Twitter
Vanderpump Rules’ Jax Taylor is many things: a cheater, a liar, a manipulator, the Number One Guy In The Group. He is also one of the most notoriously sensitive people on social media, second only to Jonathan Cheban. And he’s fully aware that he can be extreme when it comes to blocking, telling Us Weekly, “I’d rather block them, because they think they’re being cute, so I’m just going to block them. They want to say something and see what they can get away with, so I block them.” Jax is so quick to block people who call him out, in fact, that his behavior has inspired an Instagram account and “Blocked By Jax on Twitter” T-shirts and other apparel. When it comes to blocking, Jax does not discriminate. He has blocked his own cast mates including Kristen and Tom Sandoval, fellow Bravolebrities like Below Deck‘s Captain Lee, and many a random internet hater.
So I decided to speak to a few of those aforementioned internet haters and chat with them about the circumstances—and the offending tweets—that caused them to get blocked by Jax on Twitter.
Evelyn M, a member of the Bravo by Betches Facebook group, says she was blocked in March of this year after tweeting a reaction to a Vanderpump Rules marathon. In a bold move, she tagged Jax, which earned her a swift block.
Lmao all this #VanderpumpRules marathon proves is that @mrjaxtaylor has not changed
— Ev (@eviemacs) March 24, 2020
Amira A, another Bravo by Betches group member, said, “Jax blocked me on Twitter because I said Stassi dodged a bullet that Brittany has to deal with.” She didn’t even tag him directly, she said: “I tagged #vanderpumprules.” Upon finding the tweet, she said, “he proceeded to cuss me out and block me, along with whoever else was in the thread.” She recalled, “it wasn’t a good episode for him, and people were letting him have it I believe,” clarifying that it was the episode when Brittany famously told Jax to rawt in hail after finding out he had sex with Faith.
Twitter user and @bravobybetches follower @Lynn_S_A was blocked just last week, after tweeting some opinions on the Vanderpump Rules OGs. She tweeted in reply to Kristen Doute revealing that she went to Sandoval’s pool party because Jax had uninvited her to his, and was one of at least 170 replies to the tweet. She did not tag Jax, nor did she even write out his full name. That he was able to sift through so many replies to find the tweet is nothing short of impressive.
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🦀💎🦀💎 #VPR #pumprules #vanderpumprules #engaged #crabs #congrats #jaxtaylor #brittanycartwright
While making a joke about passing an STD onto his then-fiancé may not have been exactly nice, it’s far from the worst thing someone could say about Jax, and even far from the worst true thing one could say. However, this word play made @facesbybravo the lucky winner of a blocking.
@lucyontheground, another pop culture meme maker, was blocked by Jax on Instagram as recently as Tuesday night. She told me via DM, “I am so confused… it must have happened last night because I haven’t watched for weeks.” She elaborated, “I called him a man child last night and said he and Brittany just like to complain and be unhappy,” but added, “I don’t even tag him… he had to come looking.” A subsequent meme on her account poking fun at being blocked has racked up comments from other users who have also been met with the same fate.
Perhaps most perplexingly, @twobravosisters got blocked by Jax for sharing his now-wife, Brittany Cartwright’s before and after pictures with Kybella, an injectable treatment that decreases fat cells beneath the chin. Two Bravo Sisters put it on their Instagram stories back in 2018, which was when they got blocked. The perplexing part is that Brittany having had Kybella wasn’t some secret Two Bravo Sisters exposed—the very plastic surgery group Brittany used posted her before and afters on Instagram, and then @twobravosisters shared that post on their stories. They told us they were “confused” by Taylor’s reaction.
From big to small accounts, from individuals to faceless meme-makers, no one is immune to Jax’s wrath. And while sometimes Jax just blocks and moves on, other times he starts all-out wars, and then blocks. This is what happened to Kaye, the creator of the original “Blocked by Jax” apparel, which she sells on her Etsy shop, Gold Half Moon.
In 2019 he announced that he intended to produce “blocked by Jax” merch via Kristen Doute’s clothing company, before promptly getting dragged for ripping off a small business—Gold Half Moon had been making “blocked by Jax” apparel for a while.
“I did have IRL beef when I made the blocked by Jax sweatshirts and he claimed I stole the idea from him and I was selling ‘cheap fakes’ that disintegrated in the wash,” she told me.
Despite Jax coming for her products, though, Magen, the co-owner of James Mae, quickly reached out to apologize for Jax’s remarks, explain that it was never her intention to go after Kaye’s business, and promise not to make the shirts. Despite James Mae and Gold Half Moon kissing and making up, Jax didn’t seem to have gotten the memo, and at least in November 2019, still had her blocked.
Nobody has to tolerate negativity or trolling, and everyone can do whatever they want with their personal social media accounts. But it’s one thing to block trolls who invade your comments, and another thing to personally go looking for any mentions of your name. It’s nothing short of hilarious to imagine a 40-year-old man spending his days trawling the internet for people who talk sh*t about him, who aren’t even in his mentions, just so he can block them. Jax can’t take the heat, but he also can’t stay out of the kitchen. Even better, he will go out of his way to look for any heat, so he can burn down the kitchen in a towering inferno of self-righteousness.
Oh, and I forgot one more person who’s blocked by Jax: me, surely, after this article goes live.
Image: Bravo / Contributor
Well, fam, it’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times. And I mean that with respect to this past season of Vanderpump Rules, and not even the current state of the world. Jax and Brittany got married (worst). Stassi and Beau got engaged (fine). Max and Brett…existed (worst). Charli graced our screens (best). Scheana’s music video happened (worst and best). Sandoval decided to be a petty bitch (best). This must have been how Dickens felt. Yes I do consider myself a literary Great, thanks for asking.
We open with what better be the last I hear of this, Dayna and Brett continuing to force this showmance in our face. Brett clarifies that he’s definitely interested in Dayna though he doesn’t have feelings for her per se. Dayna, who is taking whatever scrap of affection she can get at this point, clarifies that “he was just being attacked and it didn’t come out right.” Really? Because to me it sounded like honesty. But sure, I guess it’s easier to band together against Scheana as a common enemy than admit the guy you’re making out with doesn’t like you.
Ok guys, so remember in the midst of the music video episode where Brett made a comment about Scheana offering to suck his d*ck? And me saying that it was probably one of Scheana’s “jokes” that’s not really a joke bcause it’s just a thinly veiled truth? So that’s coming back full circle, and here’s what really happened: Scheana “offered” to pay Brett for the music video with a blow job “as a joke.” Who needs sex when you can just be right all the time?
So again, still not really sure how I shake out on the whole Brett vs. Scheana fiasco, but I’ll just say that, again, if a male employer said this to a woman, this would be sooooo bad.
However, I will say Dayna is right that Max’s whole “woe is me” shtick is completely ludicrous considering he rejected Dayna straight-up and has banged a bunch of other girls since then. I’m sure he’ll find another girl to pretend to have feelings for, since I get the sense that women are disposable to him. Like, I get that you need to make up fake storylines to stay on this show, but pick another lane.
Speaking of Max, he is on another f*cking planet telling Lisa, “Dayna told me she has feelings for me, and the next day she’s making out with Brett.” Dude, you buried the fucking lede which is that after Dayna said she had feelings for you, you TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T HAVE FEELINGS BACK AND SENT HER ON HER MERRY WAY! And then you’ve f*cked like, five other girls. Why do men…
Honestly I get why Ariana is annoyed about people talking sh*t about her house, but also, if she wants people to “shut the f*ck up about things that have nothing to do with them” then she should really get off a reality show. That’s the entire point.
Apparently Kristen rage-texted Stassi to tell her they’re not friends, which feels a lot like when conservatives “boycotted” Hamilton. She also tells her to “thrive”, which feels very Kristen, and is probably the name of her newest line for James Mae. Or maybe she just joined an MLM… I could see either one happening. Or both, at the same time.
What f*cking universe am I in that I am siding with Katie and being like, “Yes girl, block Jax and tell it right to his wife’s face”?! This may be the most surprising twist of 2020 so far.
In other “what universe am I in” news, James’s mom is back, and she is sober but found out she had cancer and had a double mastectomy. Holy sh*t, this is dark. But, I will say, James’s mom looks a lot better and is not incoherently rambling about James taking his first steps at a Tiffany’s. Is this show, like, a covert PSA for sobriety? I may be onto something.
Stassi and Beau’s house hunting bit literally feels like an episode of House Hunters because one of them doesn’t seem to have a job but yet their budget is somehow $2 million.
I’m a fake casting director. And I wrote a book that actively made people dumber. Our budget is $2.5 million.
The Toms are meeting with Lisa and Ken in some half-abandoned building to talk about if they’re going to invest in this new restaurant. This is giving me the most annoying sense of déjà vu, and I really do not want to sit through another season of Lisa sh*t talking Tom and Tom and then simultaneously pretending to ask for their input. Please do not do this to me. I already suffered through the TomTom origin story. I won’t do it again!
So it’s the day of the Hollywood Reporter shoot and Max has to contend with Bootleg Scheana and Real Scheana. Oh wow, am I glad she’s back. I haven’t felt this excited about a surprise appearance since Miami Girl. I’ve gotta say, the guise for this photoshoot is a little shaky: “oh, we’re just going to invite a bunch of people from a few restaurants for this Hollywood Reporter photoshoot”. Just say you’re inviting the whole VPR cast, we all know what this is. It actually concerns me that there are people out there who just take the producers at their word. But also, please give me their names because I’ve got a bridge to sell them.
Ariana pulls Jax aside, and I’m honestly concerned that she is only just now realizing that Jax doesn’t make mistakes, this is just who he is. Girl, we’ve only been saying this for the past… which season are we on? 8 seasons.
However, I do stan a queen for being like “you don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about so keep my name out your mouth.” Jax just rolls his coke eyes, and Ariana walks away. We don’t deserve her.
Okay, so Max pulls Brett aside to basically try to have it both ways. He is both over her and f*cking other girls and also not over it. Dude, grow up.
The poor girls at SUR were done really dirty for this shoot, having to wear their tacky 2009 shirt dresses while everyone else gets full wardrobe glam.
Jax is such a jackass, claiming he doesn’t have a SUR shirt, and not even owning a single black shirt for the photoshoot. This is f*cking Los Angeles!! I KNOW you own at least one black shirt. I’m glad that Sandoval is f*cking over him, because so am I.
Also LOL at Jax’s full coke glower during the shoot. My new hobby is dismissing all of Jax’s feelings and chalking them up to cocaine.
Poor Brittany tries to tell Jax he looks hot, and he goes, “You think I care? I don’t give a sh*t.” Oookay. Whether she walked into this marriage eyes wide open or not, I do feel bad for Brittany. This relationship is exhausting and I’m not even in it.
Lisa pulls Jax aside to be like, “what the hell is going on with you?” Surprisingly, Jax still isn’t happy despite having a wife and a house and his health. It’s almost like putting a ring on it can’t solve your deep-seated issues! Huh. Imagine that!
Anybody else notice how Jax manages to be smug even while asking for help? He goes from, “nothing’s wrong with my marriage, my marriage is great” to “I know something’s wrong and that’s why I’m trying to fix it” in the blink of an eye. But what is he actually doing to fix it besides running away from his marriage by going to the gym three times a day? I don’t really think this is what Elle Woods meant when she said endorphins make you happy.
It’s time for the TomTom party, and Kristen is bringing Carter, whom she’s exclusively dating again.
Meanwhile, Karrah found Max and is refusing to let him escape. Actual footage of her not letting him ghost her after their Vegas hookup:
Jesus, she and Scheana really are the same person. It would be funny if it weren’t so terrifying.
Ariana and Stassi bond for a second about boob tape before Ariana is like, “well this is awkward that we’re kind of getting along rn because you talked sh*t about my house to Scheana?” And Stassi pulls a total f*cking power move and calls Scheana over like she’s a misbehaving child getting called to the principal’s office. Oof, this is gonna be awkward when Scheana watches the tape back and realizes that she quoted the wrong person word for word. Can’t wait for the reunion!
Meanwhile, Karrah comes over to crash and everyone is like, “not now, Karrah!” This is SO SCHEANA. I’m cackling. Get this girl some chunky glasses and a pair of crutches, and we are set.
Danica, for no reason, decides to insert herself into the conversation to tell Karrah to chill. And Karrah I guess watched one too many bad movies right before she blacked out (or she just watched Bethenny and Kelly’s meeting at Brass Monkey) because she says to Danica, “I’m happy to know that you’re sitting down watching me, because that’s where you should be.”
Girl, what?
Karrah then follows Danica to mumble some other incoherent fake-villain nonsense, and instead of being like “this bitch is drunk and not making sense,” Danica decides to go FULL Kristen circa “suck a d*ck.” Danica, this isn’t your Bad Girls Club audition. Tone it down, now you’re coming off looking like the crazy one. This behavior ends up getting Danica sent home from the party, with the implication that it may cost her her job.
White Kanye manages to do his whole set without drunkenly slurring anything, and I’m proud of him. He also goes up to Randall to apologize. Randall totally forgives James and provisionally invites him to the wedding. Why the f*ck am I crying in the club right now? Do I like Randall? He seems less-terrible than a lot of the other dudes on this show. Okay, maybe not a lot… just Jax. But still! Help.
Call Brian Moylan because the Toms kiss under their portrait of them kissing! The fanfic just writes itself.
Ugh, for the love of god, Dayna pulls Max aside to talk to him yet again. Literally, WHY?? What could possibly be said at this point that either of your pea-sized brains have not conceived of already?
And before you come at me for saying that their brains are pea-sized, here is a direct transcription of their conversation:
Dayna: You’re trying to make me the bad guy
Max: No you’re trying to make me the bad guy, you’re on your high horse
Dayna: Are you kidding me? You’re on the jankiest high horse of all time
Max: I’m good off you
Dayna: I’m good off you bro
Max: Bro, no what’s mine say?
Dayna: Sweet! Bro, what’s mine say?
Dayna says “between Max and Brett, I choose me”. What should be a feminist, self-empowering moment is just… not, because Dayna is still actively choosing Brett. You can’t say you’re choosing yourself when you’re still choosing some lame dude with poodle hair who doesn’t even like you enough to sleep with you. I just… can’t.
As his one last attempted shot, Max reminds Dayna that he hired her. I think it’s pretty clear that the casting directors hired her, but whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night, bro.
Lisa cheers to new beginnings, and that should be the end of the episode, except that what happens next is truly masterful. In one corner, we have Jax and Sandoval mutually agreeing that their friendship is basically a charade at this point. In the other corner, Kristen, Stassi, and Katie are rehashing their sh*t show of a summer and concluding that they are also no longer friends.
Jax tells Tom, “something’s wrong with me. I was in Home Depot buying flowers and I start breaking down crying in aisle 8.” Is it bad that I was not like “wow something’s wrong, he’s crying in public”, but rather, “wow, something’s wrong, he’s buying flowers at Home Depot”?
And in that same corner, Jax claims he feels like he’s handicapped by his mental health issues, when Sandoval says that’s basically a cop-out. What the f*ck is with these people and only thinking mental health issues are legitimate when they personally are affected by them? Then again, I too struggle to muster anything resembling sympathy towards Jax because of *gestures broadly to the past 8 seasons of this show, and his Twitter feed, and who he is as a person*
Over in Kristen’s corner, Stassi calls out Kristen’s victim mentality. Kristen fails to understand why Stassi and Katie don’t want to be her friend anymore, even though they spell it out in plain English for her right then, and also multiple times over the course of the whole season.
For all the sh*t we’ve talked about this season, this is excellent television. Two dynasties are falling concurrently. The Witches of Weho are no more. Sandoval and Jax are “on a break”. THIS is what we want to see. The real sh*t. The messiness. Not Dayna and her two racist fake-boyfriends.
And as a montage of Tom and Tom and Jax plays to the tune of a slowed-down version of the Vanderpump Rules theme song, and Jax, in full (you know what I’m about to say) COKE RAGE tells Lisa, “these are my real friends. This is what makes my show so successful”, I truly feel like we’ve done it. We’ve returned to the glory days. Jax has reached peak narcissism, and as those words slip out of his mouth, he knows he’s f*cked up—even before Lisa tells him to not get it twisted, this is her show.
This is precisely why Jax needs to be off the show. His narcissism has reached such a point that he truly believes he is the show, and that is why he acts like a petulant child whenever anyone does anything other than build shrines to his ego and kiss the ground he walks on. But in reality, at least the people I speak to (I can’t speak for the middle-America mom constituency) are tired of seeing the same sh*t from him, and we are over it. We are over Jax’s “woe is me” act and predictable pattern of self-sabotage. We are over him throwing fits when he is called out on his sh*t. Frankly, we are over watching a 40-year-old man continue to act incredulous that his toxic behaviors do not yield the same results as they did in his 30s. Truthfully, the only thing Jax is good for are his coke rages, and even that would wear thin after a while. And the fact that his and Brittany’s spin-off only lasted six episodes before getting the axe should be all the proof Bravo needs that viewers do not want him on our televisions.
So this is where the episode ends. The Witches of Weho are dead. Jax and Sandoval’s friendship is teetering on the edge of destruction. The friendships that brought us this show have buckled under the pressure of seven hit seasons and latent personality disorders. And honestly? If Vanderpump Rules can’t film season 9 because of the pandemic, then I think this was a perfect send-off.
Images: Bravo; Giphy
This season of Vanderpump Rules has been a frustratingly mixed bag. For every hilarious one-liner or moment of genuine drama, we’ve spent an hour watching Jax be an asshole or Dayna pretend to care about Max and/or Brett. It’s safe to say this has been one of the weaker seasons of the show, but there have still been a few bright spots. Of course, we got to see pure coke rage Jax make his return, but I’ve mostly been enjoying the energy of the new women on the show—especially Danica Dow.
Danica isn’t a full-time cast member, which means we haven’t gotten a lot of details about her life, but we know that she’s an assistant manager at SUR, she’s gotten suspended for fighting at work, and she has at least two ex-boyfriends with restraining orders against her. I’m intrigued. Last month, Danica clapped back at Stassi for a tone-deaf tweet about working at SUR during the pandemic, and this week, she went on the Not Skinny But Not Fat podcast, hosted by Amanda Hirsch, where she shared her thoughts on some of the other VPR OGs.
First up, who’s number one on Danica’s sh*t list? Ding ding ding! It’s Jax! Danica said, “I was blocked right when he found out that I was gonna be on the show. He’s disgusting. He is gross. He and I had never even talked before them.”
What a clown. I totally get if some of the OGs aren’t excited to pretend to be friends with half a dozen new people, but Jax and his block button need to calm the f*ck down. Bravo still made half the season about his dumb wedding, so he really has no reason to be so angry about the new people on the show.
And in case you’ve been skeptical of everyone on the show acting like Jax still works as a bartender, Danica said that Jax works at SUR “a total of like, five times a month.” Yeah, okay. I’m sure that’s just during filming, and he’s drunk the whole time. Sounds like a hard job.
Danica also talked about her friendship with Scheana, but she threw a little shade in the process. She said that she’s “close” with Scheana, but that they’ve “struggled a little bit lately” as Danica has gotten closer with Dayna. Danica added that Scheana and Dayna are fine with each other now, but that Scheana is “a little possessive over her friends,” so she doesn’t want Danica to be too close with Dayna. Ah yes, classic Scheana. Honestly, when people call her boy crazy, they’re conveniently forgetting that she’s the exact same way with her female friends. I love Scheana, but she’s always been like this.
And of course, Danica also talked about calling Stassi out on Twitter. She said that Stassi’s tweet about SUR “triggered” her, and that many of the other SURvers who aren’t on the show were also upset by the tweet. And of course, she got plenty of backlash from Stassi stans, including some death threats. Ah, Vanderpump Rules fans, the most sane people in the world. Danica teased that they talked about the tweet on the VPR reunion, so I’m definitely intrigued to see if we’ll get some kind of apology out of Stassi.
Danica hasn’t been given too many chances to get in on the drama this season, but if coronavirus ever f*cks off and lets them film a season 9, I have a feeling that might change. They have to cut some people from this bloated cast, and I feel like Danica actually has potential to bring some exciting new storylines. Sorry, but I don’t want to watch Jax and Brittany bicker forever!
Images: Casey Durkin/Bravo
Ever since Brittany first appeared on season 4 of Vanderpump Rules, she’s been a fan favorite. With her Southern roots and bubbly personality, she’s served as the perfect foil to her now-husband Jax, SUR’s resident sociopath and life-ruiner. Remarkably, up until her text exchange with Katie in this week’s episode, she’s managed to escape the wrath of every female cast member on the show, a near-impossible feat given that these women change alliances more frequently than they change faces. Kristen can barely go an episode without referring to Brittany as “my precious Brittany,” and the rest of the ladies regard her as if she’s the Southern reincarnation of Mother Teresa. It was easy to root for Brittany after Jax’s cheating scandal with Faith. But now, as we watch Brittany misdirect her anger at Katie and Sandoval despite Jax’s increasingly erratic behavior, it’s time we dispose of the narrative that she’s naive and needs our help.
She Moved Cross-Country To Live With Jax After Knowing Him Two Months
Fans of the show remember vividly Brittany’s move from Kentucky to L.A. after meeting Jax in a bar in Las Vegas. “The very first night he met me he told me wanted me to move to L.A. I, of course, didn’t believe it,” Brittany said on E!’s Daily Pop. “Two months later, I moved to L.A.” Brittany has maintained that she did not watch Vanderpump Rules before appearing on the show.
I’m going to have to call B.S. on this. On the one hand, it’s semi-believable, because I’d like to think that no sane woman who’d seen the show would ever agree to move in with a man who can’t get through an episode of said show without lying, cheating, eating pasta drinking excessively, and/or screaming at a friend or co-worker. On the other hand, what reasonably intelligent millennial woman wouldn’t do some healthy online stalking before packing up her belongings and driving across the country to move into a studio apartment with our generation’s Dirty John? She knew what she was getting herself into.
She Actively Tried To Get On The Show
In an interview with Vogue, Brittany said, “I never wanted to be on TV. I never wanted to be an actor or an actress.” Britt, please. Even if we believe that she never watched the show before moving to L.A., her behavior upon arrival is, at best, a bit sketchy. She had barely unpacked her bags before rolling up to SUR in a questionable romper for a job interview with LVP. A couple of things about this don’t add up. First, who would want to work with their boyfriend after already having to spend the rest of their day in a 500-square-foot apartment with him and his creepy foot fetish? This is either the most codependent relationship on TV or she isn’t being 100% transparent about her motivations.
Second, and most importantly, the restaurant in question is the setting for one of the most popular reality shows on television. If she really didn’t want to be on TV, she could’ve applied to one of the other thousands of restaurants in L.A. that doesn’t have a TV crew present for months out of the year. In my light Googling painstaking research for this article, I also came across Brittany’s page on Model Mayhem, which says she’s been a member since August 10, 2010, well before she found herself on our TV screens. In her bio, Brittany says she is looking to “expand my oppurtunities ” and is “willing & ready to travel.”
I can believe that Brittany never sought out to be a professional actress, but for her to imply she didn’t want fame after moving to L.A. to be with a guy she knew for five minutes who just so happens to star on a reality TV show is fake news. One need only look at her Instagram to see that she’s adjusting quite comfortably to a life of paid endorsements and sponsorships. There’s no shame in this at all, but I’d have more respect for her if she were honest about her ambitions. Instead, she acts as if her newfound opportunities just happened with no effort on her part, which is about as believable as her increasingly thick accent that, of late, is reaching Sofia Vergara levels of exaggeration.
She Stayed With Jax After He Humiliated Her On National Television Multiple Times
At the beginning of season 5, Jax announces that he walked in on Brittany and Kristen hooking up. Given Jax’s never-ending trail of lies track record, it’s unclear whether this did, in fact, happen. Both Brittany and Kristen, Jax’s strongest competitor for Most Honest Cast Member, denied it. Whether or not they hooked up is beside the point. What matters is that Jax, Brittany’s then-boyfriend, thought it was appropriate to talk about her sex life on national television without her permission. It’d be one thing if he was genuinely hurt or considered it cheating, but he seemed completely dead inside unbothered by the idea. Instead, he put it out there to the world without the least bit of consideration for Brittany, who comes from a conservative community. If such callous behavior by Jax wasn’t immediate grounds for a breakup, it was at the very least a huge red flag.
Me to Brittany the past four seasons:
Of course, we can’t bring up the topic of humiliation without mentioning the season 6 revelation that Jax cheated on Brittany with co-worker Faith mere feet away from a sleeping 95-year old woman. As if that weren’t horrific enough, we later learned that Faith had secretly recorded a conversation with Jax where he said some seriously f*cked up things about Brittany. This would be the death knell for just about any other relationship, but after about a month of being “broken up,” the two got back together. THEN, Jax pulls the ultimate douche move and breaks up Brittany mere weeks after putting her through hell. It’s no wonder she wanted him to RAWT there, but it’s mind-boggling that she would take him back after this.
Jax Hasn’t Changed And She Still Married Him
From pretty much the moment she arrived in Los Angeles, Brittany has been subjected to some downright awful treatment by Jax. Over the past several seasons he bought her breast implants and demanded she make them bigger than she wanted, criticized her weight multiple times (even going so far as to suggest her weight contributed to his cheating), expected that she make him sandwiches, and gaslit her at every turn. When we dig beneath the surface excitement of the engagement and wedding, their relationship is so dark that it’s often difficult to watch. Brittany is very likely the victim of some emotional abuse by Jax. But after all this time and with the benefit of having his mistakes documented on TV to learn from, his behavior largely remains the same, and is arguably worse.
He dismissed her concerns when they went to therapy, told her own family that he comes first, and this season lied to her face about his trip to the strip club during their joint bachelor/bachelorette trip, where he said on camera that he was going to leave Brittany for one of the strippers. But when anyone so much as hints that Jax is a less than honorable guy, she becomes defensive and/or hysterical and doesn’t want to hear it. This season, she distracted herself with wedding planning, as if a televised ceremony is going to solve all of their relationship issues. I can’t totally blame her; it’s easier to throw yourself into something superficial rather than deal with the darkest recesses of your psyche. And there are many reasons women in emotionally abusive relationships stay, whether it’s diminished self-worth, isolation, or believing that the abuser can change. We’ll probably never know exactly what’s driving Brittany, and she may not even know herself, but after several seasons of watching back her husband’s misdeeds and contending with the opinions of viewers, there’s no doubt that she knew who she was marrying.
I happen to enjoy Brittany on the show and genuinely believe that she’s a nice person in real life. But we’ve got to stop buying into this idea that she’s this babe in the woods who needs our help. It would not only be a mistake, but a severe underestimation to view her this way. She’s an adult woman making a conscious decision to not only continue in an unhealthy relationship, but broadcast it on national television and benefit from it financially. Whether or not it’s the true love remains to be seen. But just in case it’s not, I’ll be here waiting with my popcorn for their future appearance on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars.
Images: Giphy (4)
Guys, we’re almost at the end of this season of Vanderpump Rules. I would take this time to do a little retrospective on everything that’s happened so far, but truthfully, I no longer have the memory span after spending infinite weeks without the company of someone my own age. All I can talk about now is what happened last night on 60 Minutes and speculate on the next time I may get a haircut.
Just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom and Tom’s matching shirt walk of shame to SUR to clean their toilets. We really couldn’t have fit this into last episode? Or just scrapped it entirely?
Actually I lied, just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom Schwartz’s erotic story of his fantasy of shaving Lisa Vanderpump’s legs. If I wanted to listen to My Dad Wrote A Porno, I would literally be doing that right now.
Thankfully we do get to see James’s DJing stint, which I’ve got to conclude was actually a separate night than what we saw last week and not a true bonafide spur-of-the-moment offer, but at this point I can’t be surprised by any lies these producers try to put forth.
Since Jax uninvited Sandoval from his pool party, Sandoval decided to throw a rival party instead. Brittany is unsurprisingly not thrilled, and I can’t wait to read the rage texts that will come from this.
Dayna, Brett, and his poodle hair sit in adjacent seats at dinner, which is all the evidence I need to prove that this relationship is as fake as Lala’s gangsta roots.
Charli asks why Brett always wears flannel. Dayna says it’s because he’s “like a sexy Paul Bunyan” and Charli can’t even stop herself from being like, “is he?? Is he though???” Why is this girl not on our TV more, but I have to watch these two emotionless clowns?
Brett says something truly perplexing about Max failing to give his express approval for him to sleep with Dayna: “It’s murky waters, but I got a big boat. 55 knots.” Is that a dick thing? I am unfamiliar with boating measurements; what’s the knot-to-inch conversion?
Brittany busts into the house, breaking the news to Jax that Sandoval is throwing his rival party. Brittany acts like they’ve stolen the baby name she’s had written down in her diary since childhood, not decided to throw a party because Jax uninvited them in the first place. Also, don’t think I missed Jax calling Sandoval a woman and adding, “not to bash women…” This guy wouldn’t know what sexism was if it hit him in the face. In the mirror. Because he is sexi—ok, you know what I’m getting at.
And it brings me absolutely no joy to report that manipulative Jax is back, everyone. The new Jason can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s dead, and in his place is the Jax we all know and love revile. Brittany says, “ya know, I can’t help but think this all wouldn’t have happened if you had just never sent that rage text to Max.” And Jax is like, “you know what, that was probably stupid of me, I shouldn’t have done that.”
F*CKING PSYCH! I told you this was Jax, not Jason! He goes into full, “Oh, what? So it’s my fault? So this is all my fault? So Tom Sandoval is a perfect angel and everything is my fault, as usual?” Maybe it’s because I fell asleep at 6am this morning, but I am f*cking exhausted of his bullsh*t already.
Ironically Jax takes a mouthful of pasta before angrily announcing he’s going to the gym, for the third time that day. Looks like he had some pasta before eating some pasta and then working out. Ya hate to see it.
Whoa, using Jax’s Instagram stories was an interesting break in the media. Though I fail to see how recording a Captain’s Log video diary of sorts of him in the car narrating that he’s going to the gym proves to us that he’s not cheating. He could just as easily be driving to or from some girl’s house, I’m just saying. No, you have trust issues!
Anyway, the Toms want to throw some one-year anniversary party and also they’re getting involved with some new garden restaurant Lisa is opening, for a whopping 10%. But are they splitting the 10% or do they each get 10%? This is crucial info that I’m sure Lisa will never divulge and Sandoval will continue to play up for the rest of eternity.
Dying at the fact that Jax is out here acting like women’s equality means publicly endorsing female workout instructors as tougher than the male ones, and saying they make the males “look like little girls”. I mean, it is one step up from utter and outright disdain of women, so, is it growth?
Ok, no, you’re right, I’m giving him way too much credit. It’s not growth. This feels like a fourth grader’s first brush with equality.
Lala goes over to see Brittany, and Jax calls her to be like, “My wife thinks I’m cheating on me because I’m going to the gym, can you believe it? Me! Cheating! Me!” as if no man has used the gym as a code word for some other bitch’s bed before and also Jax has never cheated on every single one of his significant others.
Brittany is not having it, and being like, “I actually am just picking up on a concerning pattern of behavior that you displayed right before you cheated on me.” Do we… stan? The awareness and articulation is kind of impressive—or the bar is just that low. Can’t tell. I kind of do feel bad for Brittany again. Jax held it together for like, what, one season tops? Great, so that’s… the rest of her life, minus a couple of months, of her dealing with this manipulative and scary pattern.
Even more awkward, Lala tries to ask James to DJ Jax’s pool party, but he’s already booked for Tom’s. Ya love to see it.
Okay, once was fun, twice was okay, but three of Jax’s rage Instagram Stories has really passed the point of necessity.
So now the gang is at Dayna’s comedy show, and already I have to suspend my disbelief too far, because Beau and Max get heckled from the back row. That has never once happened in my illustrious NY comedy spectating career, but maybe it’s an LA thing.
Okay, now Jax has completely devolved (too much, er, pre-workout?) and is angrily telling everyone he put his wedding ring back on, and is STILL MARRIED. Do you want a medal or what?
In explaining the pool party drama to Lisa, Ariana says what we have all been thinking: What is anybody losing by not being friends with Jax? I speak for literally all the viewers when I say, with the exception of last week’s chaotic evil episode, absolutely nothing. I would maybe miss Brittany, but I’m sure we’d catch her on the divorce edit.
Scheana makes a point of showing up to the post-show bar, but didn’t come to Dayna’s show? I would like to know why.
Other things I would like to know: the significance of the day Scheana put out her music video? Jax thinks it encroaches on some day of his—probably like, his dead dog’s half-birthday. Typical Jax.
It’s pretty sad that Dayna and Brett will make out on camera but won’t talk to their friends about it. Lol, Max is such a baby. That’s all I have to say about it. This is sad. Dayna, you and your monotone voice deserve better than this.
But of course Scheana is standing by her man, Max, and coming at Dayna and Brett for having a thing even if it hurt Max’s feelings. (And you can’t even blame this on shady editing.) If you ask me, Max’s feelings can get bent!
Instead of me providing commentary on Max and Brett’s yelling match, I will simply transcribe it:
Max: Dude, what are you doing, brah?
Brett: Bro, I’m not lying to you, bro.
Max: Dude, what’s mine say?
Brett: Sweet, no what’s mine say?
Max: Dude! No, what’s mine say?!
Stassi and Beau are right for saying that Dayna can do whatever the f*ck she wants, and Lala is kind of a joke for stirring this entire pot out of nowhere and then saying, “y’all are real f*cking messy right now.” This is like my mom complaining that I’m spoiled, as if some mysterious surrogate mom was the one who spoiled me.
After yet another rage-Instagram from Jax (I officially take back all honorary Emmys I’ve given to the producers because this horse has been beaten WELL post-mortem), we go see Brittany, Ariana, and Lisa volunteering somewhere (they’re just going through their old clothes, because surely homeless people need cashmere sweaters), and Brittany is rehashing the rage text drama.
Damn, Ariana is NOT holding back any punches, telling Brittany to her face that nobody would be friends with Jax if it weren’t for the fact that he was married to her. And then she goes on to name names of who suggested the pool party—I think Ariana might be the most loyal person on this whole show. When it comes to Tom, anyway. I stan.
Now Brittany is on the rage-text train! Oo, it’s a rage-text three-way call with Lala and Katie! What is wrong with these people, why can’t they hash out their issues at lunch like all the other Real Housewives?
Also, lmao @ Brittany for this:
Brittany: I heard it was your idea for this pool party
Also Brittany: I’m not blaming you.
Has anyone else noticed that any time they show Brittany in her home, she is taking a solitary shot? I’ve been in quarantine for months and I still haven’t resorted to taking shots by my f*cking self in an empty house.
If I had to choose, I too would go to Sandoval’s pool party. He’s got yurts set up in the backyard, he knows how to go the extra mile to create an ambiance.
I love seeing everyone show up to Tom and Ariana’s party while Jax and Brittany fume at home to their eight guests. The empire has fallen. This is truly the visual representation of the phrase “sucks to suck.”
Now, to be clear, what Tom and Ariana are doing is extremely petty. However, Jax was petty first. Two pettys (petties?) don’t make a right, but they do make for good TV.
Simultaneously, at both parties, we are still rehashing the Brett/Dayna/Max love triangle, and I am f*cking over it. Except that Brett is making no sense, claiming he doesn’t have feelings for Dayna, but that “when a penis penetrates a vagina, that’s feelings.” Oh okay, that only directly contradicts every experience I’ve had with a straight man thus far in my life. But sure, Brett.
Do you think he’s told Dayna he doesn’t have feelings for her? Not a chance. Also I laughed out loud at how Brett compares him making out with Dayna to “committing World War 83.” Brett, pray tell, what happened during World Wars 3-82?
So much has gone on at this party that it barely registered that Kristen and Carter are here, and, as they announce to Ariana, they’re dating.
I am LOVINGGG this Ariana, who’s taking shots at everyone with no regard, as she says about Stassi:“Okay, Regina George, you f*cking snob-ass bitch. Why do you keep pretending to care about being my friend, you f*cking snob??” Well, I guess we know who won’t be having a joint birthday party this year….
Another gem: Stassi turned her second bedroom into a shoe closet because she wanted to copy Scheana. And again, the Scheana disrespect is out of control! Imagine liking shoes that much. I don’t even like people that much.
Not gonna lie, I was going to gloss over the part where Sandoval invited James to DJ the TomTom one-year anniversary party, but then it became necessary when Katie told James she’s seen a lot of growth from him and gave him a hug.
Me:
Over at Jax’s, Stassi pulls Jax aside to be like, “bro, you good?” She says, “It looks like you’re losing your mind.” And Jax goes, “I am.” Jax, the mental health advocate, but only when it comes to his own mental health, because when anybody else opens up about their struggles, they’re faking it for sympathy!
Jax says something truly perplexing, but also very illuminating at the same time. “When you sprain your ankle, do you walk on it? No. Same thing with the brain, that’s just how the brain works!” Ohhh, so he just hasn’t been using his brain this entire time. Honestly, everything makes sense now.
Jax admits that he had a wedding and has a beautiful house and he’s still not happy. Hmm it’s almost as if getting married can’t fix a relationship. He admits he’s worried he’s going to take it out on Brittany. I predict he’s going to “take it out” on whatever hot nanny they hire the second Brittany gets pregnant. He truly is a WeHo Jeff Lowe. Let’s see if I’m right.
Images: Bravo; Giphy (2)
If you’ve watched more than ten minutes of any episode of Vanderpump Rules, you probably know that Jax Taylor can be kind of an asshole. Well, more than kind of. Over the years, we’ve seen him lie, cheat, and steal (tbt to the Gucci sunglasses!), but somehow he’s still more or less the protagonist of this mess of a show. But even if the editors seem determined to convince us that Jax Taylor has changed, they can’t do anything about his messy AF tweets. This week, he ripped into some FedEx workers on Twitter, and it’s not a great look for him.
In general, Jax Taylor’s tweets have big 80-year-old man energy, complete with Christian undertones, homophobia, and general tone-deafness about everything that’s going on in our society. That’s during a normal time, so it’s no shock that Jax’s Twitter isn’t a great place to be during a global pandemic. On Monday, Jax apparently missed an attempted FedEx delivery, and he was NOT having it.
Are you kidding @FedEx you didn’t even knock on my door, how can you put a sticker on my door saying “we missed you”, clearly everyone’s home you didn’t even knock. 🤬
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 13, 2020
I feel like no good can come of a celeb starting a tweet with “Are you kidding .” Like, you are clearly too heated right now, so go walk around for an hour, and then reach out to customer service like a normal person. Jax’s second tweet came 15 minutes later, where he pointed out to FedEx that “most people have cameras on their homes,” so “the days of you saying ‘we tried’ are over”.
.@FedEx you do realize most people have cameras on their homes right? The days of you saying “we tried” are over. 🤬
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 13, 2020
First—and let me know if I’m wrong here—I don’t think most people have cameras on their homes. Maybe in certain neighborhoods, or if you’re rich, but I feel like this isn’t the strongest argument on Jax’s part. Of course, if FedEx actually left a missed delivery notice without even knocking, that’s annoying, but Jax seems a little too angry about a minor inconvenience.
Okay, so I know I said that Jax should’ve taken an hour to cool off before tweeting, but I clearly forgot who we’re dealing with. Five hours later, he hopped back on Twitter to answer some replies, and he was still way too mad.
It’s called gloves, drop the package off and leave, I gave specific instructions to leave all packages, I have cameras all over my house, so do your job right or don’t do it at all. Now I have to go pick it up, and that’s 100 times worse right now. @FedEx #annoying https://t.co/PPxFEEsjOz
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 14, 2020
It’s called gloves sweetie, look it up. This person was being totally reasonable and just pointing out that things might not be totally normal right now, because duh, it’s a pandemic. But obviously a little coronavirus is no excuse for messing up Jax Taylor’s delivery. He mentions the cameras again, and then says “do your job right or don’t do it at all.” The entitlement is real. We’ll see how happy Jax is when FedEx just shuts down and he can’t get any packages at all. Or maybe he could start making deliveries?
Finally, FedEx Help responded to him, but he just took that as another opportunity to complain. This time, he said that his neighbors told him their packages “were delivered broken,” and that there’s footage of “them just throwing it in our yards.” Again, not great if true, but I still don’t want to read a rage-fueled Jax Taylor tweet about it. He also reminded them that “everyone has cameras nowadays,” and I ask, WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS!!!
Thank you for getting back to me, my neighbors just called me and said all their packages were delivered broken, we have it all on camera of them just throwing it in our yards, not okay. Tell your drivers, everyone has cameras nowadays. Please be respectful of people’s property. https://t.co/rg5aHst7t7
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 14, 2020
FedEx Help then responded ONCE AGAIN about Jax’s neighbor’s packages, because now I guess Jax Taylor is the Fedex customer service liaison for Valley Village. And yet again, he decided to be a dick in his response, saying that this “has nothing to do with the virus, they’re just being lazy.” The old man energy really is palpable, and I feel like Jax is one Pokémon evolution away from being Clint Eastwood growling “GET OFF MY LAWN” while carrying a shotgun.
Thanks for getting back to me, just not right how these handlers are treating packages. Has nothing to do with the virus, they are just being lazy, they have been doing this way before the virus. But again, appreciate your assistance. ✝️💟😊 https://t.co/H3U6QttrAO
— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) April 14, 2020
I’m sure most of you already know this, but this is a tough time for everyone. Changes have to be made, and certain things might not go according to plan. Even if you’re frustrated, this is the time to applaud the essential workers that are keeping our lives going. Or, if you’re Jax Taylor, ream them out to thousands of followers for something that might have been an honest mistake. Your choice!
Images: Bravo / Contributor / Getty Images; mrjaxtaylor / Twitter
As a self-confessed Bravoholic, I revel in the happenings on our favorite Bravo shows, whether it’s the idiocy of Puppygate in last season’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or the garbage men that run rampant on every season of Southern Charm. And while I know a mother isn’t supposed to reveal her favorite child, I must confess that Vanderpump Rules is my personal jewel in the crown. From the moment it premiered seven years ago, the show has given us more drama than any scripted series ever could and a cast of beautiful surgically-enhanced train wrecks you can’t tear your eyes away from. In honor of the premiere of Vanderpump Rules season 8, I’ve rounded up the most under-appreciated moments of the series.
8. Scheana’s Crop Top Wedding Dress
Ms. Scheana Marie Jancan Shay is known for her many misguided choices. These usually involve men who are unavailable, either because they’re married or vying for camera time simply not that into her. However, the most embarrassing thing she’s ever done on the show was wear a crop top wedding gown in season 3. I’d describe it for you, but I’ll leave it to Stassi, who summed it up better than I ever could:
7. Story Time With Lala
Lala Kent is nothing if not an enigma. One minute, she’s masquerading as the show’s feminist hero, and the next she is completely unaware of what cis privilege means. In a scene from season 4 that is not discussed nearly enough, she beautifully showcases this when talking about the book she’s currently reading: “I was given a book called Fountainhead, which is by Ayn Rand. It’s a philosophical book and it’s about architecture and architects.” Sounds like the book report of a 9-year-old who didn’t read the book and put the movie on in the background while texting, but sure. I’ll leave it at that, because I don’t want to “get popped.”
6. Ariana, Feminist Hero
Season 7 was a breakout season for Ariana, not only because she showed us she’s more intelligent than her fellow SURvers by leaps and bounds, but also because she’s been open and honest about her sexuality and stood up for her trans castmate, Billie Lee. I especially appreciated her candor on being reluctant to get married and have children despite constant questions and pressure from the other cast members, including her own boyfriend: “Before I would even be comfortable considering the idea of having kids, I would need to check off all the places I wanna go in the world, which is kind of all of them. And I would also just like, I don’t know, want to?” Sorry Lala, but this is actually what a feminist looks like.
5. The Number One Guy In This Group
There’s never been anyone on television quite like Jason Michael Cauchi Jax Taylor. In season 4 he proved that his words could be just as unpredictable as his behavior during a conversation with Schwartz and Sandoval about Schwartz and Katie’s dysfunctional relationship. Schwartz gets up to take a break from the drama, and Jax utters the following to Sandoval in a glorious coke-induced rage: “Dude, stop acting like you’re the number one f*cking guy in this group, man. I’m the number one guy in this group!” The seriousness with which he delivers this absurd proclamation, with not even an iota of irony, is nothing short of magical.
4. James Kennedy’s Impersonations
Love him or hate him, James has delivered some of the best lines on this show (“PUMP-TINI!” “It’s not about the pasta!”). But less acknowledged and equally hysterical are his impressions of his fellow castmates. His impersonation of Stassi on the ground, literally “crawling back from New York” on the season 5 reunion was so hilarious that even Stassi couldn’t help but laugh. My personal favorite, however, is his reenactments of both Brittany and Jax reacting to the revelation of the infamous Jax-Faith recording. His “WHHHYYY?!?” is enough to convince me that he should star in the next reboot of A Streetcar Named Desire. Don’t @ me.
3. Sandoval’s Dramatic Drag Show
Joint bachelor/bachelorette parties are rarely a good idea, especially when the couple in question transforms into the worst versions of themselves after a couple shots of tequila. That said, we’re forever indebted to Katie and Schwartz for giving us what is perhaps Sandoval’s most melodramatic moment on this show, which is saying something. The image of him dressed in drag like a bootleg Sia and referring to his best friend as a “battered wife!” will forever be etched in the darkest recesses of my brain. The juxtaposition of his insane getup and the earnestness of his message is more than any of us deserve. We really are living in the golden age of television.
2. Jax and Faith’s Captive Audience
When it came out that Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, the rest of the cast was downright shocked. Maybe it was because they collectively bought into the storyline genuinely believed that Jax was a changed man (LOL). However, not one person brought up the most horrifying detail of the encounter: that this all went down while Faith was inexplicably charged with the live-in care for a 95-year-old woman. Umm, WTF?! I can’t even begin to fathom how Faith was approved for this gig in the first place. We can only hope the poor woman was hopped up on one of her prescriptions and slept through this heinous encounter.
Actual footage of me watching this episode:
1. The Montages
The Vanderpump Rules editors (and Bravo editors in general) are the true unsung heroes of the show. They’re our Greek chorus, always ready to point out the cast’s lack of self-awareness, whether it’s a montage of every moment Sandoval got emotional during the entire run of the series, Kristen’s seasonal psychotic breaks, or the 48 tequila shots Schwartz took in Mexico leading him to wander off to a completely different hotel. Editors, we thank you for your service.
Of course, there are far too many gems that could’ve been included, but I have a day job and some semblance of a life. What underrated Vanderpump Rules moments did I miss (other than “Suck a dick,” “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it” and “I don’t know what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio”—none of those are underrated). Let me know in the comments!
Images: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; Giphy (4); Tenor (2); Adderall and Compliments (2); badgalriri / Instagram
