There are definitely good things that come along with being famous, but attention doesn’t always make life easier. Case in point: celebrities are like, constantly falling victim to robberies, presumably because everyone knows they have nice things. Yesterday, it was reported that Harry Styles was mugged at knifepoint in London, close to midnight on Valentine’s Day. According to the police report about the incident, he handed over some cash and came away unharmed, but it’s terrifying nonetheless. I’ve never been mugged, and I hope to keep it that way *knocks on wood*, but this situation at least makes me feel good about my lifestyle of literally never carrying cash.
Sadly, Harry Styles is far from the first famous person to fall victim to robberies over the years, and some of the stories are really crazy. Let’s revisit some of the most interesting celebrity robberies, because chances are you forgot some important details.
We all remember the time that Kim Kardashian got robbed in Paris, but the details of the robbery are seriously dark. In October 2016, Kim was in Paris for Fashion Week when five men dressed as police officers broke into her hotel room, bound and gagged her, put her in the bathtub, and escaped with over $10 million worth of jewelry. Kim has recalled “begging for her life” in that moment, and I honestly can’t imagine going through something so traumatic.
At the time, there was tabloid speculation that Kim staged the robbery for attention (which she later sued over), but I have to ask—how could Kim Kardashian really want more attention? Like, is there anyone on the planet that gets more attention than Kimberly Kardashian? Also, she’s never gotten any of the stolen jewelry back, including her ~$4 million engagement ring. Yeah, I don’t think she’s that desperate for attention.
The Bling Ring
Also known as the Hollywood Hills Burglars, the Bling Ring were a group of teenagers who broke into numerous celebrity homes in 2008 and 2009, stealing millions of dollars worth of luxury goods. The group hit stars like Audrina Patridge, Lindsay Lohan, and Orlando Bloom, and all told, broke into over 50 homes. Their biggest target was Paris Hilton, whose house they broke into numerous times, and she had so much stuff, she didn’t even realize she was being robbed at first.
The Bling Ring has since become an iconic pop culture moment—Sofia Coppola made a movie called The Bling Ring in 2013, which is pretty fun, and contains Emma Watson making her best attempt at a Valley girl accent. But more importantly, this whole sh*t show gave us the most iconic reality TV show moment during Pretty Wild, which is an amazing document of this time in history when people still wanted to date Ryan Cabrera. Thank god for this show, because it gave us the phone call—you know what I’m talking about. Alexis Neiers, you’re a real one.
The Bling Ring 2.0
Any good crime inspires copycat crimes, and in 2018, there was a new string of Hollywood burglaries that low-key put the OG Bling Ring kids to shame. Instead of a bunch of rando teenagers, these robberies were done by a group of 13 gang members, and most of them were armed. Over the course of a year, they first started robbing CEOs and businesspeople whose homes had been profiled in magazines, then moved on to celebs like Rihanna, Christina Milian, Chief Keef, and NFL player Robert Woods, among many others. At the time they got caught, their list of planned targets was made up of A-listers such as Viola Davis, LeBron James, and Matt Damon—I guess everyone wants to dream big.
Lupita Nyong’o mostly stays out of the public eye aside from when she’s doing promo for a movie, but in 2015, her name got launched into the press for reasons completely out of her control. At the 2015 Oscars, she wore a Calvin Klein dress that was covered in more than 6,000 pearls. It was extra AF, and I loved it. Obviously, dresses covered in pearls don’t come cheap, and this one was reportedly worth around $150,000. That’s why it was, um, kind of a big deal when, later that week, Lupita returned to her Hollywood hotel room and the dress had mysteriously disappeared.
The plot thickened later that week, when the dress was found dumped in a bathroom at the very same hotel. The thief, who was never caught, wrote that he returned the dress upon figuring out that the pearls were actually fake. LMAO. As sh*tty as it was to take the dress in the first place, I kind of love how this ended. Like, never mind, keep your dumb dress, I didn’t even like it that much to begin with. We love a burglar with standards.
If you pay attention to the entertainment world, you know that the Cannes Film Festival is the prime time of the year for famous people to show up and show OUT. We’re talking big gowns, amazing glam, and an intense amount of priceless jewelry. During the 2013 festival, things went awry when a safe containing over a million dollars worth of Chopard jewelry was taken from a hotel room. The jewels in question were to be worn by Cara Delevingne on the red carpet, so I really hope she found another necklace to go with her dress.
Fun fact: The robbery occurred in the evening, while a little movie called The Bling Ring was having its premiere at Cannes. If you’re gonna steal someone’s jewelry, at least do it in an ironic way.
Are there other celeb robberies that stick out in your memory? Obviously there’s no such thing as a chill robbery, but these are definitely some of the craziest ones.
Images: Jim Dyson/Getty Images; Giphy
Like most sentient Americans, I’ve spent the past few weeks in a world where Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” is the only soundtrack. It’s passed well beyond the point of “great song!” and into the realm of “if I don’t get my daily fix, I will probably die.” I am certain I’m not alone in this, given that “thank u, next” has shattered multiple records in the streaming world. More importantly to me, the song and its accompanying video have secured Ariana Grande’s transition from pop star to icon, from whom every social media nugget and on-screen appearance are nothing short of gospel.
As I’ve watched (and wholeheartedly approved of) the reaction to “thank u, next,” one question continued to bug me. When Taylor Swift sings about her exes, she causes a similar flurry—but one filled with sneering, eye rolling, and the suggestion that she can’t be taken seriously as an artist for choosing such diary-like content. Then Grande releases a track in which each of her exes are called out by name, and she’s hailed as the ultimate badass for it. As someone who both genuinely loves Taylor Swift’s music and feels that 90-95% of songs should be about one’s exes, I couldn’t help but wonder: why is Grande celebrated for the very thing Swift is mocked for? I’ve outlined my theories below.
Ariana Grande Is Cool & Confident
Let’s be honest—a huge part of the appeal of “thank u, next” is the fact that, given the option, we would all present ourselves like Grande did after a breakup. “Thank u, next” is perhaps the coolest emotion one can evoke when facing an ex—even more so if done with genuine gratitude and while looking insanely flawless. “Thank u, next” is a song we can all caption our pictures with while drunkenly “accidentally” tagging exes, and the worst thing that happens is you’ve been overly polite to someone who wasted a year of your life. You tag an ex in a pic captioned “got a long list of ex-lovers / they’ll tell you I’m insane,” and you’re not coming back from that so quickly. This brings me to my next point.
Taylor Swift Is Earnest & Emotional
Taylor Swift, almost determinedly, does not put up a “cool girl” façade when she sings about her exes. She painfully scrutinizes where it went wrong, often down to the minute of their breakup. She lingers on their ultimate incompatibility, mourns for the good times, and explicitly details the extent to which both she and her ex will suffer for this loss. Swift is, in my opinion, a far more realistic version of what you look like after a breakup. Contrary to what Grande’s rom-com mash-up video would have you believe, most people do not soar from broken engagements feeling validated in all of their choices and loving themselves like never before. They come out feeling lost, broken, and all too likely to dwell on all the most unhelpful and unattractive things.
In other words, they look like this:
So, if Swift is ultimately more relatable, shouldn’t that mean more critical success? F*ck no! Please. Name the last time someone wanted an honest reflection of themselves, particularly if it’s unflattering. From the bathroom scale to the pop soundtrack of your life, you want to be fed beautiful lies. People yell at Swift for being vulnerable about her exes the same way you yell into the mirror the morning after drunk-dialing your own ex 12 times the night before. Swift isn’t critiqued in spite of being relatable; she’s attacked precisely because of it.
Ariana Grande Is Gracious & Direct
First and foremost, we have to acknowledge that Grande takes the high road with “thank u, next.” She betrays not one scrap of vitriol toward her exes, talks no sh*t about them or the relationship. She simply thanks them for their time, and reaffirms her commitment to herself. So, that alone is easier to get behind than one of Swift’s “remember those three minutes in 2004 when you said we would die together” tirades.
On top of that, there’s the fact that Grande seems to have no fear of confrontation (can’t relate). She names each of her exes plainly, and even gave many of them a heads-up before the song’s release. So, if her exes themselves don’t have an issue with the song, it’s a little harder for the general public to decry it.
Taylor Swift Is Petty & Secretive
Swift, on the other hand, does everything short of attaching a treasure map to each album with hints to which lyric refers to which ex-boyfriend. Yes, the national obsession with tracking those connections, and stalking her love life in general, has gotten totally out of hand. But when she describes the relationship down to the month (“Back to December”), memorable holiday (4th of July), eye color (too many to count) and so on—it’s a little hard not to engage. Add to that the fact that she decidedly doesn’t take her exes’ feelings into consideration on this—and given the contentious nature of many of her songs, it’s not hard to see why.
To clarify, I’m not in any way saying that artists should have to poll their exes before releasing a breakup track. The world would be a much sadder place if that were the case. I’m just saying that Swift’s refusal to do so—and Grande’s respective decorum toward exes—makes Swift the much easier target to criticize. Basically, Grande is doing all the things you’re supposed to do after a breakup; Swift is doing all the things you hope people never find out about after a breakup. And one of those girls will get dragged a lot harder than the other—it’s just a fact of life.
Moral of the story here? We should all try to be more like Ariana Grande. JK—you guys knew that coming in. But honestly, that is the hidden message behind the song’s unequivocal success. When Swift sings about her exes, she does it emotionally, vindictively, and evasively. She speaks about her exes with all the bitterness of someone still deeply invested in the relationship, or at least actively wounded by it. When Grande sings about her exes, she’s singing from the point of view of someone who’s moved on—and ultimately, just singing about herself. So yeah, do be more like Ariana Grande. Move on from relationships that didn’t work, stop emotionally investing, and celebrate yourself. Apparently, the world has a much harder time tearing that down.
Images: Giphy (2)
As a long time listener of Taylor Swift’s music, I’ve learned a lot from her over the years, like how to only date emotionally unavailable men or how to act like a psycho when dating said emotionally unavailable men. Or that true friendship is hard to come by, especially if you’re looking for friends who collectively weigh the same as of one of your thighs. But tbh her most valuable life lesson had nothing to do with friendships or men or trying to make bangs happen for four fucking years, but rather how to live your best life as a petty fucking asshole. Because if there’s one thing Tay knows how to do, it’s how to be petty AF. Not all heroes wear capes, people. We’re mere days away from the release of Taylor’s newest album, Reputation, and I for one cannot wait to see who else she’s about to shade the fuck out of for the entire world’s entertainment. Seriously, sounds so lit. So in honor of this momentous occasion, let’s take a look back at all of the reputations Taylor has ever tried to ruin, because we all know that’s the main goal of every fucking thing she’s ever written.
Camilla was one of the first
entries in Taylor’s burn book people to make herself an enemy of Taylor’s, and she did it way back in 2010 when Taylor was still just a girl with a guitar and a hair crimper. #TBT. Camilla made the mistake of stealing Joe Jonas away from Taylor, because yes, you heard that right, this entire feud started over Joe fucking Jonas. In typical petty fashion, Taylor didn’t want to directly hash it out with Camilla and instead wrote a song about the whole thing called “Better Than Revenge”, where Taylor called her the nastiest skank bitch she’s ever met and to not trust her because she’s a fugly slut “an actress” who is “better known for the things on the mattress.” Ah, slut shaming. It’s so creative, so innovative, so blatantly insecure, and goddamnit that’s a catchy tune. I’m sure Camilla holds nothing against Taylor now, especially not when Taylor likes to incorporate the phrase “uplifting women” into every one of her awards speeches ever.
Remember when Twitter was just an outlet used by celebs to publicly shame one another for us peasants’ personal entertainment and not used by the person running our country to threaten other countries that happen to have a massive amounts of nuclear weapons? Yeah, neither can I. But back in the day in 2015, Nicki Minaj used it to call out Taylor’s win at the VMAs for Best Music Video of the Year. She said, and I quote, “If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year.” Which feels like a very fair assessment of the world we live in. But, similar to how I think everything is about me always, Taylor took this tweet v personally instead of seeing the comment for what it really was: a statement about the racist white patriarchal society we live in. Taylor immediately tweeted back with “I’ve done nothing but love & support you. It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot.” Wowwww. Sick burn, Tay! Almost as sick as the haters gonna hate, hate, hate. What will you come up with next??
Tbh I was totally into this public shaming because I can’t fucking stand Katy Perry, and also, it resulted in the making of “Bad Blood”, which is still one of my all-time favorite Taylor Swift songs. No one knows exactly what went down between Katy and Taylor, though from this interview in Rolling Stone I can surmise the following happened:
Taylor was, of course, the girl with vintage skirt, while Katy was Regina George. No seriously, that’s basically how it went down according to Taylor so that’s obviously a factual account. After the “Bad Blood” music video came out, Taylor got criticized for shitting on more females in the industry, but like, she got a Grammy out of it and all Katy got was that tragic pageboy haircut, so who was the real winner here?
Kanye West/Kim Kardashian West
I literally can’t talk about this whole Kanye-Taylor-Kanye Again-Taylor Again-Kim Kardashian conflict any fucking more because I do not have enough hours in my day to outline this entire shit show for you again. I actually have
subreddits to troll shit to do. Can I please be excluded from this narrative? Basically, Taylor has been feuding with Kanye West since 2009, when Kanye acted like a fucking insane person and tried to ruin Taylor’s VMA’s speech. Since then they’ve gone back and forth to see who the bigger asshole is. Kim K even jumped on the bandwagon because she is thirstier than me on a Saturday at 1am drunk swiping through my Bumble matches when it comes to drama. After #SnapGate2016, Taylor retaliated with her new song, “Look What You Made Me Do”. In the song, she’s out for fucking blood with literally everyone who has ever wronged her (inspiring), but she seems to personally attack Kim and Kanye with lines like “I don’t like your tilted stage” and “I don’t like you.” Fucking savage. I have no idea how Kimye will recover from this.
John Mayer/Harry Styles/Calvin Harris
I’m grouping all of her exes together here because, again, I
need to troll the stars of Riverdale on Instagram have other important shit to do. That said, I’m pretty sure the breakups went something like this: cheated on her, cheated on her with Kendall Jenner, refused to take anymore #couplegoals pics for the Insta so she dumped him. I paraphrase. Honestly, I can’t fault the girl for wanting to roast her ex boyfriends in front of the entire fucking world, because this is actually what I also do after every single breakup. It’s v cleansing. It’s either that or report their tagged photos with the new girlfriend as “offensive material” to Instagram HQ. Ya know, either/or.
Anyone Born In The Year 1989
I guess Taylor decided to take a break from shitting on all of her ex-boyfriends and went after an enemy more manageable than Hollywood’s entire male population: anyone born in the year 1989. That’s right, Taylor tried to trademark a year in which millions of people were born just so no one would “rip off her merch.” *slow claps* I aspire to be this petty. Do you think she teaches a class? I’d love to know how I can go about trademarking 1992.
The level of pettiness Taylor Swift uses in her every day life is truly inspiring tbh. Here’s hoping that one day I’ll feel confident enough to literally shade every human being who has ever breathed near me instead of just anonymously blasting them in my articles. In the meantime, I can’t wait for Reputation! Who else thinks Taylor wrote a last-minute bonus track to talk shit about her bff going back to her shitty ex? *cough* SELENA GOMEZ *cough* Fingers crossed!
If there’s one thing we all know about Taylor Swift, it’s that she loves writing songs about the A-listers she’s fucked dated. And that she’s annoying. Okay, that’s two things. Whatever. While we know that each and every one of Taylor’s lyrical roasts are about some real man out in the world, it can be hard for anyone but Taylor’s most dedicated stans to keep together who she’s dated and when, let alone which songs correspond to their breakup. Given that Taylor Swift’s love life is a literal rubix cube of hookups, it can be hard to figure out which of Taylor’s boyfriends each of her songs is about. Like, when was she dating Joe Jonas again? Was that really NINE years ago? Has Taylor Swift really been famous for the entirety of my adult life? How can one person be so annoying yet so good at writing breakup songs?
Well, I can’t offer you an explanation for the last one, but what I can offer you is a detailed timeline of all of Taylor’s exes and the songs she wrote about them, because I have way too much time on my hands, apparently. Use this info to wow your friends at a party, or make them concerned for your mental health. Either way, it’s free attention.
Taylor Swift, 2006
Taylor Swift’s debut album, from back when she was a country star or whatever, is mostly about the high school guys she dated who people only know about now because Taylor became so famous. Still, this album was a pretty good precursor to all the take-downs of her celebrity boyfriends yet to come. In fact, we actually know a surprising amount about the boys in this album, all because they made the mistake of dating Taylor Swift when she was in high school.
“Picture To Burn”
ABOUT: Jordan Alford
WHO HE IS: High school boyfriend
THE EVIDENCE: Friends have said the video “contained references to their relationship.” Because just writing a song about someone is not enough.
“Teardrops On My Guitar”
ABOUT: Drew Hardwick
WHO HE IS: High school crush
THE EVIDENCE: Well I mean, she literally says his name at the beginning of the song. Bold move for a not-yet-famous 16-year-old with crimped hair. Taylor truly has been insane for years.
ABOUT: Brandon Borello
WHO HE IS: Longterm High School Boyfriend, he and Taylor dated for like, a very long time apparently.
THE EVIDENCE: Originally performed at HS talent show when the two of them were dating. You know, before she realized she could start getting with Jonas brothers and shit.
“Should’ve Said No”
ABOUT: Sam Armstrong
WHO IS HE: HS boyfriend who cheated on her. Little did he know that the girl he was cheating on would become a mega famous pop star known for her epic breakup anthems.
THE EVIDENCE: In the liner notes for this song every S A and M that are in order were capitalized because Taylor Swift is nothing if not a shady, shady bitch who lacks subtlety.
ABOUT: Brandon Borello
WHO HE IS: Again, this was her longterm high school boyfriend who may or may not be the only ex that Taylor Swift actually likes.
THE EVIDENCE: Lyrics about breaking up for college, which they did. I guess the only way to escape Taylor’s rage is to break up mutually, for geographic reasons.
Fearless still falls into Taylor Swift’s pop-country phase, but also represents a definite shift in her dating habits because it was released after her first major celebrity relationship with Joe Jonas. It would be only A-lister for Taylor from here on out.
ABOUT: Brandon Borello
WHO HE IS: Her longeterm high school boyfriend, again. Taylor clearly was still hung up on this relationship despite the whole “getting super fucking famous” thing. Maybe the reason Taylor can’t seem to hold down a relationship is because her true love was Brandon the whole time? Just a thought.
THE EVIDENCE: This is who she was dating when she was 15 so yeah the song is about him.
ABOUT: Stephen Liles
WHO IS HE: Some musician who toured with Taylor and is part of the country duo Love & Theft. This was clearly Taylor’s first attempt at celebrity dating, but I think we all knew she could do better.
THE EVIDENCE: His name is literally the title of the song.
“Forever & Always”
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
WHO IS HE: Arguably the hottest Jonas brother, Joe was Taylor’s first big celebrity relationship. The two dated from July 2008 to October 2008 at which point Joe dumped Taylor over the phone. Big mistake, Joe. Huge.
THE EVIDENCE: Lyrics about “staring at the phone” after Taylor had gone all over television to tell people Joe had dumped her over the phone. Clearly she wanted people to get the reference. Very subtle, Tay.
Speak Now, 2010
By 2010, Taylor is still fucking with the country vibe, but has fully converted to only dating celebrities. In the two years between 2008 and 2010, Taylor had already gone through one Jonas brother, a Glee castmember, one of the Twilight guys, and an alcoholic John Mayer. Girl clearly had an agenda, and honestly her ability to cross pop culture heartthrobs off her “to do” list is kind of inspiring.
ABOUT: Cory Monteith
WHO HE IS: Late great star of Glee. RIP.
EVIDENCE: Before Cory and Leah Michele were a thing, he had a month long fling with Taylor Swift. And a month is all Taylor needs to write a song. This one is about a boy she barely knew, and many people think she’s referring to Monteith.
“Back To December”
ABOUT: Taylor Lautner
WHO HE IS: The werewolf from Twilight who falls in love with Kristen Stewart’s baby in the end.
EVIDENCE: Okay, so this is a bit of a journey. Basically, Swifties think this song was meant to be an apology from Taylor S to Taylor L after they’d just broken up because when Taylor S performed this song at the AMA’s she added “it’s too late to ‘pologize” at the end, which taken to be a reference to a parody video Taylor L made for “Apologize” by One Republic around that same time. Like I said—a rubix cube of hookups.
ABOUT: John Mayer
WHO HE IS: Katy Perry’s ex.
EVIDENCE: As we all know, 20-year-old Taylor Swift briefly dated thousand-year-old John Mayer from December 2009 to February 2010, which would eventually spawn the Katy Perry/Taylor Swift rivalry of today (anybody who believes that shit is about a backup dancer is playing themselves). The song both has John’s name in the title and refers to the pair’s age difference, so I think it’s pretty safe to say this one is about John Mayer. Also John Mayer told Rolling Stone the song “humiliated him” which is hilarious considering he had no shame in dating a woman only two years out of high school.
“Better Than Revenge”
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
Evidence: If you thought Joe Jonas was going to get away with leaving Taylor for actress Camilla Belle, then you don’t know Taylor Swift at all. This song goes in not only on Jonas, but his new girlfriend, with lyrics referring to an “actresses” who’s “better known for the things that she does on the mattress” (sick burn, Tay!) and the line “she underestimated just who she was stealing from,” which is honestly probably very true.
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
EVIDENCE: Joe Jonas, you done fucked up now. JJ had to learn the hard way that you do not dump Taylor Swift on the phone for some rando actress without having any less than three pointed breakup songs about you. The timeline of relationship vs. when song was released points to this one being another dig at Joe.
Red was the first album where we see Taylor make the full shift from country star to pop artist, and honestly, it’s one of her best. Taylor had also had two more years to grow her celebrity fuck list, which is why Red has pound for pound the most songs about the most celebs than any of her previous or later works. Taylor had fully established her reputation as the breakup queen at this point, and Red is basically her just leaning wayyyy into it.
“State of Grace”
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal
Who He Is: Maggie Gyllenhaal’s brother who got to hook up with Heath Ledger in that one movie.
EVIDENCE: Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift dated from October 2010 to January 2011, which is pretty long in Swift years. As such, basically every song on Red is about Jake Gyllenhaal. The lyric “Twin Fire Signs and Four Blue Eyes” gives this one away. Jake and Taylor both have blue eyes, and they’re both Sagittarius, which is a fire sign.
ABOUT: Conor Kennedy
WHO HE IS: A fucking Kennedy.
EVIDENCE: From July 2012 – October 2012, Taylor decided to move away from celbrity A-listers to literal American royalty by dating a Kennedy, and she promptly fucked that relationship right up. The two broke up after reports that Taylor came on wayyyy too strong (the prospect of being the next Jackie O was too much for Taylor to handle). Taylor reportedly straight up followed Conor via private jet to his family vacation on Hyannis Port. T-Swizzle literally bought a house in Hyannis Port, the Kennedys’ favorite vaca spot. The lyric “I’ll follow you home” is supposed to be a (very creepy) reference to this event.
“I Knew You Were Trouble”
ABOUT: Harry Styles
WHO HE IS: Hottest guy in one direction who isn’t Zayn Malik.
EVIDENCE: Taylor gave this one away when she performed the song at the Grammy’s and used the opportunity to show off her mock British accent (needs work, btw). Then, in case Harry didn’t get the message, she went on TV and said of the performance “It’s not hard to access that emotion when the person the song is about is standing off to the side of the stage watching.” Also, Harry Styles is totally trouble, and you would know it if he walked in.
“We Are Never Getting Back Together”
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal
EVIDENCE: One of Red‘s biggest his is also another one about Jake, and it’s fairly obvious. She references his indie band directly here. Also they had like, just broken up. Plus, Taylor stans say that a scarf featured in the music video is identical to one Swift wore on date with Jake. Sidebar: If you’re so into Taylor Swift that you notice something like this, you are disturbed.
“All Too Well“
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal, again
EVIDENCE: It’s this scarf shit again! This song refers to a “scarf” left at “your sister’s house,” which I guess is a reference to a scarf that Taylor left at Maggie Gyllenhaal’s house. Very deep.
“Everything Has Changed”
ABOUT: Conor Kennedy
EVIDENCE: As you may or may not know, Taylor Swift has taken to hiding messages in the liner notes of her CDs. This made more sense when people were actually buying CDs, but whatever. The hidden liner note message for this song reads “HYIANNIS PORT,” which is a misspelled version of “Hyannis Port,” aka the place where 22-yea-old Taylor Swift stalked 18-year-old Conor Kennedy until (we assume) he dumped her out of fear.
“The Last Time”
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal
EVIDENCE: Okay so Taylor Swift must have really, really liked Jake Gyllenhaal. I mean, he’s cute and all but like, is he 4+ songs on what is arguably your best album cute? IDK. Swifties say this song is about Jake because of the lyric “Put my name at the top of your list,” since Jake had been linked to both Rachel Bilson and Anna Kendrick at the time.
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
EVIDENCE: Just when you thought Taylor was over the whole Joe Jonas dumping her on the phone thing, she’s fucking not! This song is all about NYC, and at the time Joe was her only NYC-based boyfriend. You do the math.
I think we have all had at least 2-3 good angry public cries to 1989 since the time it has come out. If not, you’re probably dead inside, and I commend you for it. This album was the nail in the coffin for Taylor’s “country girl” image as she went full pop star and honestly, we didn’t hate it. 1989 is full of amazing breakup tunes, but there’s actually a surprising lack of info regarding who each of these songs are about.
“Welcome To New York”
ABOUT: New York
WHO HE IS: The greatest city in the world.
THE EVIDENCE: New York City literally paid Taylor Swift to write a song about them, because there totally aren’t enough songs about New York. Hard to tell who is more desperate here.
WHO HE IS: ????
THE EVIDENCE: I only put this here because, given that “Blank Space” is one of the biggest singles off the album, it’s kind of crazy we don’t know who this one is about. Could it be about Taylor’s breakup with the public’s favor, after we all wised up and realized she’s fucking insane? That’s just my theory. If you have any info re: “Blank Space”’s mystery man, please forward them to the Senate Intelligence Committee immediately. The people demand an investigation.
ABOUT: Harry Styles
THE EVIDENCE: I mean, the song is called “Style.” Also, the lead in the music video looks exactly like him.
“Out Of The Woods”
ABOUT: Harry Styles, again
EVIDENCE: Harry Styles is the big winner for 1989. This song refers to paper airplanes, which is probably a reference to the matching paper plane necklaces Taylor and Harry had while they were together (barf), also she talks about “snowmobiles,” which is apparently something they did together.
ABOUT: Katy Perry
WHO SHE IS: Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairwoman/pop star with boobs.
EVIDENCE: I know they never dated, but Taylor Swift is literally obsessed with Katy Perry, so it’s almost like they did. Everyone knows this song is about Taylor’s feud with KP over John Mayer a backup dancer. And the whole girl gang music video thing was obviously an attempt to show Katy and the world who is more popular. Pettines Level: High.
As you can see, Taylor Swift is both a lyrical genius, and a fucking delusional psychopath. Who has the time to hide so many clues in so many songs? But you know what they say, “the more batshit the betch, the better the pop album.” So how did everything shake out, numbers-wise? Congrats to Joe Jonas and Jake Gyllenhaal for tying for first place with 4 songs apiece. Honestly, you’re in incredible company. Though of course, they could always be knocked out of first if Taylor’s next album turns out to just be a 12 song manifesto about her relationship with Tom Hiddleston. Sounds horrible but, knowing Taylor, she’d find some way to make the whole thing catchy AF.