Every 4th of July, there are certain things that are guaranteed: hotdogs, fireworks, and drunk girls everywhere in tacky “American” outfits. Of course, just like any other day of the year, what you choose to wear on this patriotic holiday says a lot more about you than the “Born in the USA” writing on your ugly graphic tee. As the wise style icon Rachel Zoe once said, “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” So now, what does your predictable and thirsty American flag outfit say about you??? Let’s take a look, my fellow citizens.
American Flag Bikini Betch
This girl loooovvvves attention—so much so that she’d rather give up her daily Starbs than get less than 300 likes on any given Instagram post. Like, this is the type of girl who flatters herself by referring to her own self as a thot. As if this isn’t reason enough to roll your eyes, this betch is SUPER basic and thrives in her basicness. She loves a good daily Insta story of her Skinny Vanilla Latte, and often captions her Instagrams with phrases like “my whole heart” or “blessed.” She’s overly flirty with EVERYONE and is known to wear a full face of makeup at the beach. Basically, the American Flag bikini betch is just one of those girls whose presence alone is fucking annoying, but like, we’ve all been her at one point in our lives.
Dumb Graphic Tee Dud
This girl is lazy and terrible with her finances. How do I know? Because who the fuck spends $40 on a T-shirt that you can legit only wear one day of the year? It’s also the laziest option ever because even the least stylish person could run to their local mall (or Old Navy for the even less stylish but more fiscally responsible) to get one of these stupid tees. Not to mention, the graphic tee most definitely has a cringeworthy saying on it, like “American Girl” or “Time To Get Star, Spangled, Hammered.” At least get creative with it! But, you see, therein lies the problem—she can’t get creative with it because she’s the dud, and that’s what duds do. Duds do dud things, and “creative” is not in their vocabulary. I mean, at the very least, how about you put that $40 to much better use and treat the gals to a round of shots?
Sundress Sorostitute
This July 4th, you can expect the sundress sorostitute to play up her “cuteness” while attempting to mask her true slooty self by wearing a too-short white sundress. She’ll probs finish the look with a pair of wedges and a red bandana in her hair (festive!). You can spot this girl from a mile away because, well, at the beginning of the night, everything about her will look perfect—curls intact, makeup looking flawless and dress still pristinely white. However, give this girl a few hours and a few too many VoSos, and she’ll be crying while simultaneously vomming on the bar’s bathroom floor. Of course, she’ll be doing all of this while also drunkenly attempting to make life-long besties with the other drunk girls in the bathroom. Pretty much, when you think of the sundress sorostitute, just think Tinsley Mortimer pre- and post-mug shot… but like, those two extremes all in one night.
One Piece Wonderwoman
This is the “cool girl” who can hang with the best of them, and she can do so alllll day long. She’s not to be confused with the bro-y, try-hard girl wearing a fratty “Back-to-back world champs” tank. Rather, she’ll be the one looking hot af and having fun, all while handling her shit. She’ll be the girl shotgunning beers, yet never manages to get to the point of blackout because her drinking tolerance is just that good. She’ll be dressed in a subtly hot one piece, paired with denim cutoffs and maybe some fun, but not over-the-top, 4th of July accessories. A seasoned vet in the art of day drinking, this bitch knows her one piece/denim cutoff combo is the ideal ensemble for her all day-party affairs. Oh, and you know she’ll def be getting a fire pic in her Gram-worthy outfit.
Images: @zonde / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
Honestly, how is it July already? I swear, it feels like March was just yesterday. Can summer chill tf out, please? I haven’t even gone to a beach yet. Ugh. Anyway, Fourth of July is like, already tomorrow. HBD, ‘Merica. If you haven’t celebrated early this past weekend, I’m sure we’ll all be somewhere sunny, eating cookout food, and drinking alcohol. While all of those things are great, it wouldn’t be a true celebration of our country’s independence without spending some money. Gotta love good ol’ corporate America. Fortunately for us, many retailers agree and are hooking us up with amazing Fourth of July sales. Here are some of the best Fourth of July sales that you really don’t want to miss out on this week.
1. ASOS
ASOS literally has always the best deals. Both my parents and credit card hate me for my lack of self-control, tbh. Using the code “EXTRA,” take an additional 10% off of their up to 70% off sale for an added bonus.
ASOS Influence Floral Romper With Split Sleeve
2. Kendall + Kylie
There are two really good sales happening at Kendall + Kylie. The first (and the better of the two) is that you get 70% off of ALL merchandise by using the code “70PERCENTJULY4”. If you use the code “15PERCENTJULY4,” you can get an additional 15% off of warehouse styles, too.
Kendall + Kylie Ruffle Smock Top
3. Lord & Taylor
By using promo code “JULY,” you can receive 20% off of regular *and* sale items (bless). You can also get up to 70% off of clearance. Act fast, though, because this sale ends TOMORROW.
4. Mango
I feel like more people need to know about Mango. Everything is super cute, v affordable, and they offer free shipping. So, yeah, what else could we really need? They’re offering up to 50% off of their summer collection, no promo code necessary.
5. Wildfox
From now until the 4th, you can take 25% off of the entire site and get free shipping on your order. Better yet? The promo code to use is “AmericanAF.” WE LOVE IT.
6. Zara
Our fave retailer, duh. Take an additional 50% off of Zara’s sale items—no promo code required.
7. Nasty Gal
I feel like Nasty Gal hasn’t gotten the respect it deserves ever since it got bought out by Boohoo. Everything is super fucking cute and they’re constantly doing random flash sales, often for up to 80% off. Right now, they’re offering 50% off EVERYTHING (except for sale, ugh), with the promo code automatically applied. They also offer free shipping and returns on orders over $100.
Nasty Gal Summer in the City Floral Jumpsuit
Images: Jill111 / Pixabay; Asos (1); Kendall + Kylie (1); Lord & Taylor (1); Mango (1); Wildfox (1); Zara (1)
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
The 4th of July is almost here and we can practically taste the red, white, and blue Jell-O shots! (They’re sooo cute…until they come back up Thursday morning.) The point is, you only have two days left to put together a perfect holiday-appropriate outfit for getting blackout at a BBQ celebrating America’s independence. And, with such a difficult task ahead, it’s easy to fixate all of your energy on baking a Pinterest-inspired American flag cake, instead of on your (more important) 4th of July ensemble. Inevitably though, the 4th of July will be here, and you’ll be left with your dumb cake and nothing to wear. I mean, it’s possible that in your frantic desperation you’ll resort to a $5 Old Navy graphic tee. GASP! No one is going to give a shit about your pretty flag cake if you show up in a T-shirt that features a golden retriever holding an American flag in its mouth. NOT OKAY. Therefore, since we’re now less than two days away, it’s time to put down the oven mitts and start planning. And what better way to decide what to wear than by consulting the stars and shit? This is what your 4th of July outfit should be, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries
Just like your personality, your 4th of July outfit should be adventurous and spontaneous. There’s no telling where your impulsiveness will take you this holiday, so it’s best to be prepared. Whether you end up shoving four hotdogs down your throat or suggesting a round of body shots (calm down, Aries, we’re at a family party) your 4th of July outfit needs to be on par with your spirited personality. Therefore, your fiery self should opt for a festive one piece that can also function as a bodysuit. This way, you’re totally prepared to dive into the pool the second someone suggests a round of Marco Polo!
Ralph Lauren USA High Leg one piece suit
Taurus
Y’all are into luxury, so it’s no surprise that when it comes to fashion you’re into quality investment pieces. This 4th of July, in your true nature, be sure to stay away from the gaudy American flag attire at your local Walmart and instead opt for something more practical. Your best bet is to purchase a classic striped button-down. A striped button-down is a stylish wardrobe staple that can be worn time and time again. Fingers crossed no drunk bitches spill their drink on your new investment piece!
Gemini
Gemini, you’re a risk taker. And, after a few too many shots this 4th, I guarantee you’ll be feeling risky and frisky. You’ll most likely make a move on the one kinda cute cater waiter at the party. So, since you’ll def be embarrassing yourself, you’ll want to make sure that you look as hot as possible while doing so. Look cute and flirty in this spicy red romper and hey, at the very least, maybe your new cater waiter friend will help you pocket some leftovers! Imagine how pumped you’d be to find those pigs-in-a-blanket at 2am! I love America!
Free People She Can Shimmy skort romper
Cancer
Your style is traditional and feminine, and your 4th of July outfit is no exception. The eyelet and ruffle details on this dress guarantee that you’ll maintain your sweet image even as you begin drunkenly sobbing at the party. Like, it’s hard to be an emotional and sensitive Cancer in today’s world where Selena and Justin just can’t seem to make it work. Like, how could Justin be with Hailey rn? And like, what’s poor Selena up to this holiday? Should someone call her??? She’s never been the most stable, smh.
BB Dakota x Revolve Run Free dress
Leo
Your confident, badass self will want to be noticed this 4th of July, and trust me, you definitely will be. Go ahead, steal the show in your American flag bikini, Leo—Betsy Ross would be proud. Wear this star print suit from Free People, which is a lot less tacky than the traditional American flag bikini you’d find on the Jersey Shore boardwalk for $20. To help disguise your true thirst trap intentions, make the suit more “cute” by wearing shortalls and fun red sunnies.
The Carrera bikini top and The Soho Brief Printed Bikini Bottom
Virgo
Okay, Virgo, can we at least try to have some fun this holiday?! You’re off the clock, so it’s time to let go of your perfectionist ways and shotgun some beers! Okay, pushing it a bit, fine. This 4th, your minimalist and perfectly tailored style mean that your ideal outfit is a white button-down paired with distressed cutoffs or a denim skirt. Maybe even consider adding an American flag scrunchie for a touch of holiday-appropriate zest?
Sanctuary Mod Short Sleeve Boyfriend shirt
Libra
Glossy and polished, you show up to every social gathering looking 100x better than everyone else. You love a harmonious aesthetic, and this holiday, your go-to look is an all-white ensemble. Wear a white tube top with white high-waisted jeans for the perfect monochromatic look. Of course, you are the great balancer, so unfortunately, you’ll probs spend the majority of the party making peace between your two drunken besties. Sorry about your shitty 4th but at least you look good!!
Hudson Barbra Hi Rise white jean
Scorpio
You’re the girl who shows up to the party already blacked out, yet everyone thinks is sober. Your secretive nature means you somehow look put-together 24/7 so even when blacked out, you’ll look fire in this matching set. You could care less what other people think so you’ll have no problem showing off your rockin’ bod, no matter how uncomfortable the old folks get.
BB Dakota x Revolve Young Hearts top and Front Row skirt
Sagittarius
Your energetic vibe means you’re super enthusiastic to celebrate the 4th of July holiday. You’ll probs be drunk from the moment you wake up to the moment you pass out because you’re just that enthusiastic. This holiday-colored jumpsuit is the perfect combination of feminine and fun and will be perfect for your all-day drinking affair. You know what they say, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning!
UO Raven Plunging Halter jumpsuit
Capricorn
Capricorns are all about comfort, all the time. You love simple and sophisticated, which means this navy maxi dress is the ideal 4th of July outfit for you. Embrace the old school glamour you love and release your inner T-Swift by pairing this dress with a bold red lip. Although, regardless of how much you look the part, you’re still not in Taylor’s #girlsquad. So like, don’t even think about showing up to her infamous 4th of July party.
Anthropologie Brisbane maxi dress
Aquarius
Independent and free-spirited, this holiday was made for you, Aquarius! Show your American pride and holiday spirit by wearing a cool cropped graphic USA tee. Let’s just hope and pray that your curious and experimental nature doesn’t result in you attempting to play bartender. I know you want to make the world a better place and all, but mixing every alcohol together isn’t going to make that happen. At least not in the long run.
Brandy Melville Aleena USA top
Pisces
You love whimsical and breezy, and therefore need this navy and red striped skirt in order to properly celebrate this 4th of July, Pisces. Just add a few cocktails to your already dreamy nature and I’m sure you’ll be as easy and breezy as they come! Just keep the drinks flowin’ as free as our flag, baby!
Images: @jtylernix / Unsplash; South Moon Under (2); Shopbop; Revolve (3); Free People (3); Anthropologie; Brandy Melville; Urban Outfitters
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
Whether you spent your long weekend taking poolside tequila shots or eating lobster rolls while scouting out the underwhelming crowd at Gurney’s, you currently feel like shit. I mean, it makes sense. When you start drinking vodka out of a water bottle on the LIRR Friday afternoon and don’t stop until late Tuesday night, you can expect to feel pretty shitty for a few days afterwards. Fourth of July was a sick time and you got 200 likes on your American flag bikini Insta, but now you’re getting back to reality and it’s time to get your body back on track. Here’s how to recover from your Fourth of July drinking bender.
1. Cut The Salt, Chug The Water
You might notice that aside from being colossally hungover and in need of a new phone and/or Snapchat identity, you’re also bloated as fuck. I mean, the amount of sodium and empty calories in your beer and hot dog intake is probably the reason, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. By cutting out salty foods this week and drinking as much water as you can, you’ll start flushing unwanted toxins out of your body and you’ll slowly notice yourself getting less bloated by the day. I mean, your food might be bland and your bathroom runs might increase, but it’s worth it. We saw you at that buffet when everyone else was watching the fireworks. You had your fun.
2. Get A Good Night’s Sleep
Another reason for feeling so gross is lack of sleep. I mean, there’s no chance you got your recommended 7-9 hours per night when you were drunk-eating a family size bag of Doritos after the club at 4am, so don’t pretend you’re on a normal sleep cycle. Take this week to actually get into bed at a reasonable hour, put your phone away, and go the fuck to sleep. Also, many studies show that lack of sleep makes your body crave junk food, so you’ll actually make healthier food choices during the day when you get more sleep at night. Can’t argue with that.
3. Do A HIIT Workout
We totally get that you don’t want to drag your hungover body out of bed to make it to the gym, but doing a quick HIIT workout at home will actually make you feel (and look) a lot better. High intensity interval training raises your heart rate in short intervals, so your body is actually burning calories during the workout and afterwards. The science behind it is called EPOC, and it’s basically about how when your body works super hard for a short amount of time, then your body has to restore oxygen for up to 24 hours afterwards. Studies have proven that even a 15- or 20-minute workout will do the trick, so I’d start now if I were you.
4. Eat Real Meals
This might sound stupid, but simply eating real meals with whole foods will help your body recover from the damage you’ve done to it this weekend. Your body is used to eating substantial meals, so when you put it through 3-5 days of vodka for breakfast and rosé for dinner, it might be a bit confused. Focus on eating real meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you’ll automatically start feeling better. Also make sure those meals aren’t coming from a frozen box or like, a McDonald’s dollar menu.
5. Be (Slightly) Less Social
We’re not telling you to cancel plans every night this week, but if you’re still feeling nauseous and bloated from this weekend, it’s probably not the best week for happy hour and late-night dinners every night. Staying on track when you’re out is hard enough, so adding a pitcher of sangria and three bowls of tortilla chips in the mix is just not helping your case. The happy hour frosé and unlimited guac bowls will still be available all summer, so take these few nights to cook for yourself and relax alc-free. Like, if Martha Stewart could do it for five months, you can do it for a week, but if you HAVE to drink, we stand by our BBQ advice and say just have everything on the rocks. Meaning no vodka sodas, yes vodka on the rocks with a fuck ton of limes—that way there’s no carbonated sodas to bloat you even further. And if you’re going to drink, drink a TON of water too. Sounds less fun, probs not worth it, but that’s for you to decide.
6. Get Your Hands On Some Ginger
Whether you’re taking a wellness shot with ginger and cayenne, or just ordering an extra side of ginger with your rice-less sushi roll, a little ginger goes a long way with healing bloating, nausea, and inflammation. It might not taste as good as the red wine you’ve been chugging all weekend, but it’ll seriously help you out and you’ll thank us when you feel like a human again. I mean, we know this info literally goes down the drain once you’re ready to rally again next weekend, but try to get some ginger in your system before you buy your liver its goodbye gift.
Read: How To Detox From Your Fourth Of July Blackout
Listen up, heathens. Whether you really give a shit about Independence Day or not, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the excuses for day drinking celebrations are over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this past weekend. Fortunately, you have a month or two to recover before the next big binge-drinking event that marks the end of summer—Labor Day parties. Seize this opportunity to cleanse and restore your body from all the shit you put it through this past weekend before you inevitably fuck it up again next weekend.
How, you ask? Follow the advice you found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this July 4th.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replenish Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it—you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc. (That last one was a test—send me the names of anyone who can stomach clams when they’re hungover and I’m calling the police on them.)
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone (Debra in accounting) in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Some Asparagus
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Soda
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
Happy fucking birthday, America. We’ll skip the lofty introductions and just get to the weekend horoscopes. Drinking is in store for all of us, so find out what you should drink and how much—not by listening to your limits or caring for your liver, or anything, but by interpreting the movement of the stars. What could go wrong?
Aries
While Aries may typically be one of the drunkest of the zodiac, this patriotic weekend is a time for pacing yourself. No one likes the girl who’s blacked out before the fireworks even start. The goal here is to still be the drunkest person at the barbecue, but to maintain that drunk for the entire day, which means you’ll be sticking to ciders. Unlike beer which is heavy and makes you bloat like no other, cider is light and refreshing. Bonus: an Aries alcohol tolerance means you can drink it all day without wreaking havoc. Branch out into a festive red berry flavor that’ll look super patriotic in your 300 second Snapchat story.
Taurus
This weekend is looking like a marathon for you, Taurus. Endless parties, multiple family obligations, and the burning desire to be drunk at each and every one of them. Nothing says “thanks for the invite, I’m going to eat all your potato salad and then GTFO” like the girl who arrives with a bottle of tequila. Start easy with some blended margaritas, and then slowly ease into debauchery that our forefathers would be proud of by peer pressuring everyone in attendance to take shots with you. You’ll be the life (and eventually death) of the party.
Gemini
We all know you have one goal, and one goal only, this weekend, Gemini: the illusive perfect 4th of July Instagram. No easy feat, this photo must strike the perfect balance of contrived and natural, patriotic while still self-aware enough to realize America is burning, cute but not so glam that people can tell you spent three hours getting ready for a barbecue. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but we can by making at least one part simple. The perfect photo calls for the perfect summer cocktail: a fruity punch that photographs well and will have people leaving comments asking for the recipe. Something big batch is perfect for a weekend like this because it will trick people into thinking you showed up with an item to share. Pour it into a festive ice tea cooler, and your guest obligation is done without any actual cooking at all.
Cancer
With a full weekend of family time ahead of you, Cancer, you have the very specific task of being as drunk as possible without anyone noticing. Strategically this means drinking what everyone else is drinking and hoping no one notices that the alcohol is disappearing at an alarming rate. Your best bet this weekend is sticking to wine, preferably white and refreshing. Your mom will be psyched that you showed up to an event and actually brought something to share, and if you do it right she won’t even notice that you took down ¾ of the bottle on your own.
Leo
You have one goal and one goal only this weekend, Leo: to not remember anything that happens after the fireworks start. We commend your dedication to blacking out no matter the occasion, and have some ideas of the best way you can do it. Vodka is the answer to all your problems, even the ones that aren’t really problems at all. Easily the most versatile alcohol, you can switch up your drinks throughout the day to avoid getting bored and slowing down; the only constant is that half the cup is the vodka of your choosing. Avoid shots at all cost, less because of taste and more because no one like the girl who shows up and starts throwing back Absolut as if she actually enjoys it.
Virgo
This weekend is looking scenic for you, Virgo. Odds are you’ll be spending a lot of time in nature, away from the bustle and chaos of a typical 4th of July. This, by no means, allows you to forgo drinking, but more so means that you can relax and drink something luxurious. Before you head off on your weekend adventure, spend some time putting together a really top-notch jug (or three) of sangria. If you’re feeling really wild, make a red and a white: one for day time adventures and the other for relaxing at night under the stars. You’re about to have the most relaxing 4th weekend of all time, so just sit back and sip the night away.
Libra
On a hectic weekend like this, Libras need a chill af drink to match their chill af demeanor. As much as I hate to say it, you’re looking at a weekend full of beer. Hopefully that’s your thing. But also, why is that your thing. It’s summertime so why not dive into Corona and lime and worry about things like calories and bloating later? The holidays are meant for over-indulging anyways. Plus, this is a super easy drink to offer to people without seeming weird, meaning you can cozy up to literally anyone at your party. Can you imagine telling your grandkids that you and your husband met over a shared Corona? It’s precious, in a painfully California way.
Scorpio
Scorpios are here this holiday weekend to fuck up your party and drink all your alcohol. That’s it. So instead of worrying about what you’re going to drink, just show up and drink whatever the guest offers. If they don’t offer anything, drink it anyway. Pros of this approach: a cheaper alternative to buying alcohol. Cons: You’re going to be doing a lot of mixing, which won’t bode well for your hangover. But that’s a problem for later you, and present you’s only concern is that your cup is never empty. Go forth and wild out, Scorpio. No one does it better than you.
Sagittarius
While Sagittarians can frequently be the life of the party, they’re always riding the fine line of being one drink away from sobbing in the bathroom because they looked up the tree hashtag on Instagram, and like, “nature is just so beautiful” (a true story). To combat this, your only rule for this weekend is to stay as far away from wine as possible. While an excess of any alcohol can set you off, wine is a fast track to tears. Venture off into the land of hard alcohol and party the weekend away without worrying about being that girl.
Capricorn
Capricorns love all types of alcohol, as long as it’s on the rocks. While I may never understand this preference, I respect it. This weekend, don’t stray from what you know. In fact, make it as obvious as possible. Nothing garners respect amongst strangers like the girl casually sipping tequila on the rocks in the corner of the room. You’ll make friends in no time.
Aquarius
It’s really all or nothing with Aquarians when it comes to alcohol. You’re either at a reasonably responsibly (aka boring) two drinks, or you’re a fifth deep and trying to convince everyone that now is a really good time to go skinny dipping. This weekend, lean toward the latter. It’s a holiday! Let that freak flag fly! And do it while drinking questionable amounts of champagne. Start off tame with mimosas and then abandon the notion of juice about halfway through the day. There’s nothing quite like the sophistication and impending migraine of a champagne drunk, which is exactly what America deserves this weekend.
Pisces
You might have had a more low-key weekend in mind, Pisces, but we’re here to tell you that’s a terrible fucking idea. In this climate, there is only one weekend a year that you get to be unabashedly proud of being an American, and you will not be wasting it on a three day long Netflix binge. Nothing tempts you to dip your toes into the pools of alcoholism like tropical rum based drinks. Drinking rum is like going to a party you didn’t plan on attending, but after a few Mai Tais you’re not only hosting the party, but likely getting kicked out of it at some point. Save the lounging for your inevitable hangover and spend that time cursing America and everything it stands for. So, kind of the way you spend the rest of the year.
Ah, July 4th—a holiday created so that Americans can fondly remember the time they threw off the yoke of tyranny and oppression so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted including ditching British accents, eating hot dogs, and electing a president not at all qualified to do his job.
If you’ve ever been on the internet during or around an American holiday, you’ve seen patriotic cocktails, i.e., red and white and/or blue cocktails making the rounds.
This shit would make an eagle cry tears of joy and George Washington jizz his pants. With July 4th a few days away, and you likely without anything to make for your guests at this year’s fireworks fucktacular, you better get your shit together and make these tributes to those dudes who signed the declaration. We appropriately adapted the following recipes from the American woman’s bible, Cosmopolitan.
The American
-1 ½ oz. berry flavored vodka
-1 oz. sliced strawberries
-3 oz. spiked seltzer
-2 oz. coconut water
Put the strawberries in the bottom of a tall glass. Add ice, vodka, spiked seltzer, and the coconut water. Float some blueberries on top and fuck, it’s America in a glass.
Explosion For America
-¾ oz grenadine
-1 ¼ oz blue curaçao
-1 ½ oz vodka
-1 oz spiked lemonade (like Mike’s or some shit)
Grab a tall-ass glass and pour the grenadine into the bottom. Add ice on top. Super fucking gently pour the curaçao over the grenadine so it lays on top but doesn’t really mix. In a cocktail shaker filled with more ice, combine the vodka and spiked lemonade, then gently strain that mixture over the curacao. If you did it right, you have some really patriotic shit going on.
The Fourth of July is like the unsung hero of drinking holidays in that it comes along in the dead of summer, when the weather is beautiful but I’m still trapped indoors at my 9-to-5 and need to be reminded of my will to live. Preferrably through shots. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly support any holiday that gives me an extra day to black out focus on me and my needs and also one that encourages a theme. Despite the fact that New York is probably going to be sweltering hot this weekend, I will one hundo percent be decked out in some form of red, white, and blue and be drinking on a packed, sweaty rooftop somewhere in support of this great country that elected an orange man with Polly Pocket hands to run it. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it drink until they forget about it. So here are the bars you should live your best life and black out in on this Fourth of July because, IDK, freedom or something.
1. Mr. Purple (LES)
Ah, my favorite place to go to and forget the fact that I have the same income as my G Little who just graduated from college two weeks ago. If you haven’t been to this bar yet then I feel sad for you and the life you lead because you are missing out on a fun fucking time. It’s boujee AF and located on the roof of a hotel that I’d probs have to sell my eggs on the black market just to be able to afford their cheapest room. The views are the best I’ve seen in NYC and that’s saying a lot because I pride myself on being a person that is annoying AF on Instagram frequents rooftop bars. Plus in the summer this place gets v exclusive when they open the pool. Basically, it’s the perfect place to debut your new Bad Betch one piece and also feel rich AF.
2. The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking)
If you’re looking to day drink with old AF frat bros in khakis then you’re in luck, girlfriend, because this place is the mecca for white dudes looking to reclaim their lost youth. I love it here. Located directly beneath the High Line, it feels tucked away from all the annoying AF tourists walking around (gags) while also keeping the charm of the meatpacking district. It’s a good spot day or night to drink beers that weigh more than my winter body weight and still feel somewhat classy doing it.
3. Night of Joy (Williamsburg)
This place is so blatantly hipster it’s this close to growing a beard. But, like, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop so I guess I’ll ignore the fact that there’s a distinct pretentious douchebaggery to it (or is that sandalwood?) and that every guy at the bar is wearing a smaller jean size than me. And, yes, having a rooftop is the only criteria needed for me to get blackout at an establishment. That and $3 cans of Tecate, which they also have in spades. Praise be. My only advice is that you don’t bring your Urban Outfitters Polaroid camera with you when you go. They won’t think you’re being cute or ironic, they’ll just low-key conspire against serving you at the bar. Which I know from absolutely no personal experience. Just saying. You’ve been warned.
4. The Boat Basin Cafe (UWS)
I know what you’re thinking, the Boat Basin Cafe? Isn’t that, like, upstate? 79th street, but yes, it absolutely is. Just don’t tell the regulars at this bar that, lest you be lectured on the real estate market for park adjacent apartments. But if you’re willing to make the journey have your sanity tested by off-peak hours MTA service, then you should def hit up the this place. Your eyes will one-hundred-percent be assaulted by a crowd of people in pastels and probs grown men wearing rompers but it’s worth it for the views. The drinks are kind of pricey, but then again can we really put a price on a fire waterfront selfie that will make every boy who follows you on Snapchat jealous? Yes, but only if you’re an ex-Bachelor contestant whoring herself for Instagram ads.
5. Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden (Astoria)
Speaking of places that are far as shit, Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden is located in Queens, which I’ve only ever been to twice and both times involved a sassy Uber driver and the G train. *shudders* BUT it’s still a solid choice for those looking to kill their last remaining brain cells over Independence Day. The indoor section isn’t much to look at, but the outdoor part is ideal for throwing back beers and forgetting that you just aged five years trekking to Queens. Tbh I blacked out the last time I was there (which seems like the point) and I don’t remember much other than that their drunk eats were on point. That feels like reason enough to give this place a(nother) try.
6. Extra Fancy (Williamsburg)
I’ve got two words for you: Frozen. Rosé. ON TAP. And before you start some shit with me about how rosé is on its way out as everyone’s favorite summer beverage, I would just like to say that I will fight this one to the end because anything that’s pink and looks good on my Instagram story will be a drink I choose in this life and every other. Just saying. This place itself is an interesting mix of uptight hipsters and basic bitches like myself who are only there for their Instagram story. That being said, the space is huge and it’s got the whole indoor/outdoor thing going for it in case the weather decides to sabotage your July 4th plans by raining. Also, the drinks are v cheap—$8 for a solo cup of frosé (A SOLO CUP) and $5 for draft beer and wine—so it’s the perfect place for day drinking and getting white girl wasted enough to scare the hipsters back to the Bushwick artist dens they crawled out of.
Hipster: *tries to sell me on some bullshit about not believing in monogamy or labels or capitalism*
Me:
7. Pod 39 Rooftop (Murray Hill)
This place is bro-y AF and you know I’m here for it. The vibe is very Cabo with all of its terra cotta columns, Mexican-tiled tables, and a menu full of nothing but tacos, tequila, and bad decisions with a guy who’s tall, dark, and you’re drunk enough for him to be handsome. Also the guy in question is definitely not Mexican but instead someone who says shit like “why can’t they speak just speak the language.” Well we can’t have it all, girls. Aside from the clientele, the view is amazing and the margs are making me want to write a pleasant review on Yelp, which are words I never thought would leave my mouth.
8. The Delancey (LES)
Imagine spending hours willingly ingesting poison Snake Juice, but instead of doing this in some dingy bar with barely any light and vomit lining the bathroom walls where that behavior is socially acceptable *cough* HAIR OF THE DOG *cough* you’re sitting on a rooftop among white chaise lounges and palm trees. It’s a dangerous combination because on the one hand you’re getting fucked up off of Champagne and vodka that costs more than your internet bill, but on the other hand the setting is making you feel more entitled than Paris Hilton in a tracksuit.
^literally me last Saturday
This place is legit ground zero for drunk texting your ex and picking a fight with your bestie in a public bathroom. It’s really quite lovely. Hit this place up Sunday through Thursday from 5-7pm for happy hour and also if you’re feeling like setting fire to your personal life.
