What’s With All The Dicks On TV Lately?

According to the Chinese zodiac, 2022 is the year of the tiger, but, based on the current trend of penises on TV, it’s looking more like the year of the one-eyed snake. Seriously. If you want to see an on-screen peen, you don’t have to look too hard. Pardon my French, but what’s with all the dicks?

First, there’s Euphoria, everybody’s favorite high school dramedy, which seems to relish its ability to let the dongs out. Season 1 brought us that locker room scene, complete with plenty of dicks flopping about in the background. This year, season 2 (finally) came out, and for anyone hoping for a barrage of male genitalia, you won’t be disappointed. There are plenty of penises—including one seen dangling over an open toilet during a mid-house party dump and another that’s been bloodied and mangled. If you ask me, that’s the most unrealistic part of Euphoria. I went to high school for four years, but I didn’t see nearly as many wieners.

In the recent Sex and the City reboot, And Just Like That, two penises were shown in a single episode. That might not seem too shocking for a show about sex, but when you consider that not a single dick made an appearance over the course of Sex and the City’s original six-season run, it kind of is.   

Not to be outdone, Hulu’s 2022 series Pam and Tommy featured a talking penis. (You read that right, the cock in question spoke.) And in HBO Max’s new comedy, Minx, the pilot episode alone had a whopping 20 dicks (yes, I counted. For, uh, research.)

Other recent shows with full-frontal men include White Lotus, Sex Education, Scenes from a Marriage, and Sex/Life. While the continued rise of streaming services (which don’t have to cater to FCC regulations) is partially responsible for this sudden influx of dick, it’s not just TV serving up steamy penis scenes. Movies like Don’t Look Up, Nightmare Alley, The Worst Person in the World, and The Power of the Dog had fully nude men on screen. Although both Don’t Look Up and The Power of the Dog had limited theatrical runs before being released on Netflix, the willies weren’t censored for the cinema. 

Seeing a dick on the big screen isn’t exactly new; back in 2014, Ben Affleck showed (part) of his peen in Gone Girl, and the internet promptly lost its goddamn mind. It’s worth noting that the film also featured a topless Emily Ratajkowski, but that split-second side shot of Matt Damon’s other half (and his other half) was far more titillating for moviegoers.

Affleck wasn’t the first actor to let his pecker loose for a role (see both Forgetting Sarah Marshall and The Hangover), nor was he the first major movie star to whip it out (see Richard Gere in 1980’s American Gigolo.) But it was still a rare enough occurrence that it garnered a mass amount of attention.

Over the last five years, the on-screen peen has steadily increased in popularity. Which begs the real question: why? Are they simply there for shock value? Or are they intended as a way to even the playing field? Is showing a dick on TV a feminist statement of sorts in this post-#MeToo world? What exactly are these penises (talking or otherwise) saying?

Whether or not this advent of mainstream male nudity signals gender equality in Hollywood is beside the point. Because what actually matters is whether or not tit-for-tat is equal. Sadly, the answer is typically no.

For one thing, when men flash their dicks on screen, more often than not, it’s a prosthetic. With the exception of Lily James in Pam and Tommy, this is rarely the case for women. When an actress goes topless in a movie, the audience probably sees her real breasts.

People tend to give one of two arguments as justification for this disparity—that boobs aren’t the equivalent to male genitalia, or that penis size is more personal to men than breast size is to women. Neither is particularly compelling.

Sure, in terms of reproduction and biology, boobs aren’t the same as penises. But considering that the vagina is internal, I’d say breasts are a fair comparison. Not to mention that the list of female actresses who’ve gone full-frontal in a film far outweighs the list of male actors.

As for the argument that it’s more embarrassing for a man to have a small willy than for a woman to have itty bittys, I’m not buying it. Personally, I know plenty of men who are quite proud of their packages, but I have yet to meet a single woman who is genuinely happy with how she looks naked. And besides, why are we so willing to accommodate the possible embarrassment of male actors while dismissing the comfort level of actresses?

Women are expected to bare their real breasts if a script calls for it, whereas if a man goes fully nude on screen, sans prosthesis, he’s lauded for his bravery. Countless articles have already been written about Bradley Cooper’s decision to bare all for his latest endeavor, Nightmare Alley. Oscar Issac and his lack of a prosthetic penis went viral on social media even though his Scenes from a Marriage co-star, Jessica Chastain, appeared nude alongside him. Even the discussion of her nakedness centered more on him, as she’d only agreed to do it if he was also expected to go full-frontal. 

Another big difference is how nudity is used. When women are naked on TV, it’s almost always sexualized, intended to arouse (either another character, the audience, or both). A naked penis, on the other hand, isn’t there to turn you on. It’s there to make you laugh or prove a point (like, that the show is progressive and boundary-pushing).

So, while the uptick in on-screen dick is progress, we still have a long way to go before tat is genuinely equal to tit. 

Images: Erin Simkin/Hulu; Eddy Chen/HBO; AMANDA MATLOVICH/NETFLIX

The Toxic TV Relationships That Will Make You Glad You’re Single

It’s easy to get bummed about being single when you’re watching most classic sitcoms and popular dramadies. These shows are supposed to be about doctors, or twentysomethings figuring it out, or rich people in New York City. And yet, the central theme to most television is love, love, love! Preferably a love triangle that can keep viewers hooked for at least five seasons or until they hit syndication. The will-they-won’t-they dynamic is great for moving the narrative, but it’s given us all some warped ideas about relationships or longing eternally for someone you can’t quite have. Because we need a good season finale cliffhanger.

It’s time to take a step back and see these TV couples for what they are: toxic as hell. Don’t let NBC or anyone convince you that being single is worse than being in one of these horrible pairings. Instead, sit back, enjoy having a glass of wine alone,  and the freedom to binge watch your favorite show without anyone trying to take the remote. Here are some of the most toxic TV relationships to remind single people they’re living the sweet life.

Emily and Gabriel

Emily and Gabriel in Emily in Paris.
My favorite hate-watch, Emily In Paris, wants the audience to root for Emily and French chef Gabriel so badly. Sorry, no. Cheating is bad. The girl code exists for a reason. Do not give a girl a nice pan if you’re cooking in someone else’s kitchen. Even if Camille miraculously gives these two her blessing in some future season, it’s pretty hard to build a healthy relationship when you know your boyfriend is the type to sneak around seasoning other people’s iron.

Big and Carrie

Mr. Big and Carrie in Sex and the City.

This one is maybe too obvious. Carrie and Big eventually came together on a bridge in Paris, got married, and lived a few decades together before “John” got the ax in And Just Like That, but c’mon. That ending was fan service. The real pinnacle of their relationship was the day Carrie threw a Big Mac at her horrible boyfriend’s head and realized he was never going to change. Because, honey, in real life they never do.

Eve and Villanelle

Scene from Killing Eve.

A serial murderer and a detective make a passionate pairing, especially with actors as compelling as Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer. Fans of Killing Eve love watching these two dance around each other, ratcheting up the danger and desire with every episode. Personally, I don’t know if the juice is worth the squeeze here. It’s exciting to be obsessed with someone, but would you want to be worried about them jumping out of your closet with a knife after a long day at the office?

Issa and Nathan

Issa and Nathan in Insecure.

Issa ends up with Lawrence, the man she began Insecure with. There is plenty of debate amongst fans about whether or not this was the right choice, but at least they both showed some growth and character development that would justify their reunification over the series. Part of Issa’s journey included her time with Nathan, the elusive barber who was also a big fav with viewers. Yes, he was hot as hell, and sure, people make mistakes—but if someone ghosts you for months, please know it’s not romance. It’s a cry for help.

Catherine and Peter

Catherine in The Great.

This is the rare dysfunctional relationship on TV where the people in it know it’s dysfunctional. Catherine the Great and her husband Peter are often trying to kill one another. Isn’t it nice to not be in an arranged marriage with a deranged king? I’d choose going stag to a holiday party over that anytime.

Kimberly and Nico

A scene from the Sex Lives of College Girls.

The Sex Lives of College Girls is a parade of relationship dysfunction, probably because that is the college experience for most people. But the lies Nico tells Kimberly to make sweet love to her over and over will really make you appreciate the fact that you will never be invited to a frat party again.

Joe and Pretty Much Anybody

Joe from You.

If there’s a show out there that will convince you never to date again, it’s You. Sickeningly, Penn Badgley is devastatingly attractive and it’s easy to see how these women get charmed by him… at first. Before long, they’re ignoring their instincts that something is not quite right with old Joe Goldberg, and by then it’s too late. Even if the person you’re dating isn’t a psychopath, we’ve all experienced the ole bait and switch. Never again! Until next season!

Sookie and Bill

Sookie and Bill from True Blood.

True Blood was the classic two-men-love-one-woman show, except the two men were undead. While no one is giving Eric Northman any awards for sanity, Sookie’s first love, Vampire Bill, ends the series on the most deranged note possible, coercing his former girlfriend to put a stake through his heart inside the grave he digs for himself. Is this the ultimate expression of love? Or only something a controlling weirdo would do?

Daphne and Simon

A scene from Bridgerton.

Okay, I know Regé-Jean Page is unbelievably dreamy and that Phoebe Dynevor dated Pete Davidson, so there’s a lot of loyalty to these Bridgerton characters and their (eventual) happy ending. But if you are in a relationship that involves stealing someone’s sperm, it’s not a healthy situation. I don’t care if it’s the imaginary 1800s. Communication comes before cum thievery. 

Nate and Maddy and Cassie

Nate and Cassie in Euphoria.

Pretty much all of season 2 of Euphoria is about these three having sex, not having sex, finding out about sex, screaming and crying and driving while under the influence. While I would like to kiss all their beautiful faces, you couldn’t pay me enough money to be in a relationship with any one of them. Growing up and getting over histrionic drama totally rocks.

Images: Eddy Chen/HBO; Giphy (10)

Which ‘Euphoria’ Adult Who’s Letting These Teens Run Wild Are You?

Every fan who watches Euphoria and has a Twitter account usually ends up tweeting one of two things: A) KIDS DON’T ACT LIKE THAT! or B) When I was a kid, I was a sexy badass like Sydney Sweeney, and y’all are nerds. The truth for most people is probably somewhere in between, but a more relevant question is not what kind of teen you used to be—it’s what kind of Euphoria adult are you now? The focus might be on the young, dewy cast with their perfect skin and sweat-defying eyeliner, but a lot of this show gets stolen by the parents in the room. In theory, they’re the ones in charge. If the Euphoria fans with a high school diploma are honest, they will definitely see a lot more of themselves in one of these old heads than the 25-year-olds playing teenagers.

Suze

More than any other adult on the show, Suze seems to have her head on straight. She knows what to do when Rue shows up at her door going through withdrawal: narc on her to her mom. She knows what to do when Cassie is flipping out over Nate: hide the knives. She knows what to do when Millionaire Matchmaker is on: watch it. And she is hooting and hollering in support of Lexi as she watches her wine-swilling get mocked on stage. Yes, Suze drinks, but in her situation, wouldn’t you? Life’s not easy for Suze, but she’s grinding through and making the most practical choices of anyone in East Highland. Though that’s not saying a lot. 

Cal

Who hasn’t dreamed of pissing all over their foyer and then absconding into the night? Cal is pure id, the part of ourselves we all push down and work to control so we don’t hurt the people around us. For the most part, Cal has done a terrible job at suppressing any of his urges and has left a huge swathe of destruction all around him. The best choice he’s made in ages is abandoning his family. While no one is suggesting you do that, if you’re anything like Cal, maybe book a therapy appointment before opening the tequila bottle.

Marsha

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. We didn’t really know much about Marsha for a while, until she finally acknowledged she has a horrible husband. Now we know she was a fox. We know she used to be a sexual dynamo. We know she likes to smoke, drink, and have really confrontational convos with her son in the kitchen like it’s an R-rated Nancy Meyers film. Marsha has been in denial, but she’s not letting things slide anymore. 

Samantha 

Are you sexually suggestive and feeding alcohol to someone who is barely legal in your backyard pool? If so, you’re Minka Kelly and should go directly to jail!

Ali

This is a man who is very wise, and that wisdom has come at an extremely high price. He might be one of the few people who really understand Rue the way she needs to be understood. Unfortunately, he is sometimes too much of an adult to really communicate with her in a way that gets through, and one cruel teen comment from her can send him spinning. Which is honestly an excellent portrayal of parenting. 

Laurie

Obviously, Laurie is a stone cold bitch, but she also really knows what’s up. Like, I would not trust a child with Laurie, but she is the person I’d want on my side in a tough spot, you know? Not all adults are nurturing. This one is about as tender as a cobra ready to strike.  

Fezco

Unfortunately, Fezco is technically an adult. Sorry to all the Lexi and Fez shippers out there. The show is taking pains to establish that a number of characters are 18 and therefore legal. But Lexi is also canonically 443 days younger than her sister Cassie, who still seems to be in high school, so you do the math. Fez is a very young adult, and surprisingly one of the sweetest characters the show features. Drug dealing is a family business, and it’s easy to imagine the kind of person Fez might have been if he weren’t sucked up into all the danger and difficulty of his job. Still, this is an adult who still has some growing up to do, even if in many ways he never got to be a kid.

Leslie

Poor Leslie. I can’t even give her any crap, despite the fact that she is a fictional character. This lady has been through the ringer, losing her husband, seemingly about to lose one daughter, maybe two. If you are eating ice cream out of the carton in bed having the most nihilistic conversation ever, you might be a Leslie. And I want to give you a hug.

Image: Eddy Chen/HBO (7); HBO (2)

You’re Not A ‘Euphoria’ Character, And That’s Ok

Euphoria is probably one of the best shows on television right now. It’s like Degrassi, if Degrassi had a budget and cast super hot people. It’s high school, make it fashion—more specifically, high fashion and an incredible amount of angst. However, it’s nothing like what high school actually was. The fact that these “high schoolers” are wearing Mugler and Chanel is absolutely iconic, but far from relatable. That’s not to say that there aren’t relatable aspects of the show—I think the show does a good job of exploring heavy material with dialogue that is way more accurate than a lot of high school TV shows like Degrassi or Riverdale. But its glitz, glamour, and angst is nothing like my high school experience, and judging from Twitter’s responses, it’s not like a lot of people’s high school experiences.

I love that it’s a show that we all seem to love and enjoy, but I feel like a lot of y’all (including myself) seem to think that you need to have experienced Euphoria yourself in high school, and I’m here to tell you that just simply isn’t the case. I’m sure a lot of you weren’t snorting coke before a party, or getting f*cked by someone in a pool, and that’s okay! Instead, you went to Shakey’s after school and enjoyed a slice of pizza while awkwardly picking food out of your braces. You can embrace the fact that you couldn’t dress for sh*t in high school and that you didn’t understand the concept of putting an outfit together—I know I couldn’t. A lot of y’all dressed like you were going to a business meeting when you actually did go out: untucked dress shirts, business skirts, bowties and huge hipster glasses that were reminiscent of Ryan from The Office. And guess what, it’s perfectly all right! Embrace the cringiness that comes with nostalgia.

You loved to thrift after school, you found the best pair of bell bottoms and you wore the HELL out of those pants. People complimented you for it, and you even won the Best Fashion superlative during senior year. However, my love, that does not make you Maddie. She’s wearing Mugler, Chanel, and so many designers that our checks from our part-time jobs after school couldn’t even think of covering. Honestly, I think the closet I saw was a bunch of the try-hard jocks wearing very tight and ill-fitting Abercrombie & Fitch shirts and a few of the popular girlies wearing American Apparel when it was a special occasion. And that’s absolutely fine, we rocked our bell bottoms, all-black outfits (even when it was 100 degrees outside), and dirty white Vans with confidence. I remember wearing the same H&M sweatshirt almost every day thinking I was serving Tumblr girl teas, and I promise you, I wasn’t… like, at all. 

Let’s talk about some of these characters. Rue is a mess, but I love her, and her defiance is what’s relatable, even when it gets her in trouble. As for the drug stuff, the closest I ever got to that was taking an edible during my part-time job at Trader Joe’s and having the worst anxiety attack of my life and needing two days to recover. Cassie is incredibly relatable because most of the time, she’s a complete mess. Even still, I simply don’t remember ever looking that good when I cried over guys that were absolutely assholes, nor do I remember guys flocking to me when I went through heartbreak. And Fez is somewhat recognizable in that every high school has at least one dusty white dude that may or may not be a drug lord—or at least a part-time weed dealer.

But here’s the thing. It’s okay to not relate to everything. You don’t have to equate your experiences with an overdramatized high school show. I remember watching the show and thinking to myself, “Was my high school experience wack? Did I actually live life to the fullest during that time?” I even wondered if my current college experience was lackluster because I wasn’t going as hard as the characters on the show. Then I remembered this is a TV show and it’s supposed to serve as escapism.

I mean, would I love a character who was average at absolutely everything and had no idea what they were doing after high school? Yes, mainly because that was my life story. But I think what Euphoria has taught me is that even with representation, I don’t necessarily have to relate to the stories being told. I can just enjoy the show for what it is: a TV show. We all know that most of our high school experiences were nothing like this, and low-key can thank goodness for that, because our schools would probably be shut down. 

Images: Eddy Chen/HBO

9 Upcoming TV Shows To Add To Your Quarantine Watchlist

Welcome to 2021! It’s cold, the sun is still setting too early, and now that we’ve been living in pandemic times for *checks calendar* almost a YEAR, your list of TV shows to get through has probably been whittled down to just a few holdouts. I’m always a proponent of watching all 22 seasons of SVU, but if you’re trying to infuse your TV viewing habits with some new blood, I put together this list of shows that are debuting (or returning) in the next couple months. There’s a little bit of reality, comedy, drama—basically, if you don’t like any of these shows maybe you’re just too picky.

Assuming that you’re still spending the vast majority of your time at home (good work, you’re saving lives!), here’s what you should be watching while you continue to wait for the vaccine. Oh, and if you need MORE to watch, lots of the shows from this list are still rolling out new episodes, too. Don’t tell me you’re bored!

‘Search Party’ – 1/14

All the previous seasons of Search Party are on HBO Max, so you have time to catch up. This show is equal parts dark and hilarious, and it is criminally underrated. Also, I’ll say this for the real fans: Elliott and Portia walked so David and Alexis could run. The first three episodes of season 4 are out now, and the rest will drop in weekly three-episode batches.

‘Selena + Chef’ – 1/21

In the last year, we’ve seen plenty of quarantine-inspired projects, to varying degrees of success, but Selena + Chef is easily one of my favorites. In this cooking show, which is returning for a second season on HBO Max, Selena gets a cooking lesson via Zoom from a different professional chef each episode. The way it’s filmed doesn’t make the Zoom aspect feel lame at all, and the different personalities keep every episode fresh and entertaining.

‘Walker’ – 1/21

Jared Padalecki, whom you might know as Dean from Gilmore Girls, and who just finished a 15-year run on Supernatural, returns to The CW in this new reboot of Walker, Texas Ranger. Sorry Chuck Norris, there’s a hot new sheriff in town. In the new reboot, the widowed main character struggles to move on with his career after his wife passes away. I have no idea if this will be any good, but we get Dean in cowboy clothes, so it’s worth a mention.

‘Euphoria: Jules’ – 1/24

 

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Sadly, there’s still no public timeline for when we can expect season 2 of Euphoria, but at least we still have the second special episode to look forward to. Last month, we got a deep dive into Rue’s story, and this time, it’s Jules’ turn. We have no idea what to expect from this special, but if the Rue installment is any indication, it’ll probably be an emotional roller coaster.

‘Firefly Lane’ – 2/3

Is 2021 the year of the Katherine Heigl comeback? Perhaps! The Grey’s Anatomy alum stars in Netflix’s limited series adaptation of the hit novel Firefly Lane, which tells the story of two childhood friends who go through a lot of sh*t across a span of three decades. The story starts in the 1970s in the Pacific Northwest, so there’s sure to be some great 70s/80s fashion, and yeah, you’ll probably cry a lot.

‘Summer House’ – 2/4

 

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Summer House is the one show on Bravo that actually makes sense to film in a quarantine environment, and the crew is back for a fifth season. If you’ve never watched but you’re missing the messy glory days of Vanderpump Rules, this might be right up your alley. Based on the sneak peek, we can expect another season of drunken antics, relationship drama, and maybe even a wedding? Lots to consider.

‘Clarice’ – 2/11

If you love The Silence of the Lambs, listen up. CBS made a brand-new series centering on Clarice Starling, the FBI agent famously played by Jodie Foster. The show takes place shortly after the events of the movie, and will give us a much deeper look into Clarice’s background, as well as some gritty new mysteries. The title role is played by Rebecca Breeds, whom you may remember as Nicole on Pretty Little Liars, and the trailer looks dark and twisted, just the way it should.

‘Punky Brewster’ – 2/25

After their well-received Saved By The Bell reboot, Peacock is keeping the throwback vibes going with a new version of the ’80s classic Punky Brewster. Original star Soleil Moon-Frye returns to play a much more grown-up version of her iconic character, who is now a single mom raising three kids. To sweeten the pot, Freddie Prinze Jr. joins the cast as Punky’s ex-husband. Aaaaand I’m immediately interested.

‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ – 3/19

This week, we’re finally getting our first Disney+ Marvel series with WandaVision, but we won’t have to wait long for the next one to arrive. Up until now, Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan’s characters have been supporting players in the MCU, but they’re finally getting their starring turn in this action-packed miniseries. The story picks up after Avengers: Endgame, when (spoiler) Falcon has taken over the reins as the new Captain America. Obviously, there are bad guys, and it looks like we’re in for a good time.

Images: Courtesy of Netflix; HBO Max, The CW Network, Netflix, CBS, Peacock, Marvel Entertainment / YouTube; euphoria, bravobybetches / Instagram

The 5 Biggest Takeaways From ‘Euphoria’s Special Episode

This might sound dramatic, but there’s nothing more frustrating than waiting forever for your favorite show to come back. Even for shows that stick to a strict annual schedule, the off-season can be a lonely time, and sadly, the pandemic has really messed with TV calendars. When Euphoria’s first season concluded in August of 2019, we assumed that it would be a while before the second season rolled around, but we had no idea just how long the wait would be. With no premiere date set for season 2, luckily HBO came through in a major way, and decided to give us two special episodes of Euphoria to bridge the gap between the seasons. The first special, “Trouble Don’t Last Always,” dropped over the weekend, and it shows us what’s happening with Rue shortly after the conclusion of the first season.

If you haven’t watched yet, there will be spoilers ahead, but it’s no big secret that this isn’t like a normal episode of Euphoria. We only see Rue, Ali, and Jules (briefly), and the majority of the episode is one long conversation at a diner. It’s deep and emotional, and while it may not have all the bells and whistles that you expect from Euphoria, it’s an impressive character study that we wouldn’t get in an episode with 20 other subplots happening. Keep reading for the five biggest takeaway from the first special episode.

1. Rue Is Not In A Good Place

In the season 1 finale, we saw Rue relapse after being left by Jules on the train platform. After a sort of dream sequence of her perfect life with Jules, the special finds Rue at the diner with Ali, and she’s in really bad shape. Ali quickly sees through her unconvincing act of having her sh*t together, and he spends the next hour getting real with her about a wide range of topics relating to addiction. I don’t know about you, but I was barely keeping it together for most of the episode, and I f*cking lost it when Rue said she didn’t plan on being around much longer. By the end, it seems like Ali may have finally gotten through to her, but as we know, addiction isn’t a problem you just solve right away. But as they drive off in the rain, it does seem like there is hope that our main character will find her way out of this dark time.

2. Rue Is An Unreliable Narrator

In season 1, Rue literally told us that she can be an unreliable narrator, but at the time we didn’t know if that detail applied to what we were watching. But after taking Rue’s relationship with Jules at face value last year, the special reveals that some of that sh*t never happened. The big reveal here is that Rue and Jules never actually got the lip tattoos we saw them getting in season 1—they just talked about doing it. In the grand scheme of everything that’s happened on this show, it’s a small detail, but it could open the floodgates in terms of what little lies Rue has told the audience.

We also see that for the first time, Rue is confronted with the realization that she and Jules were never officially in a relationship. We’ve all been there, and it sucks, but Rue had to figure it out sooner or later. You always have to DTR!! This wasn’t necessarily new information to us, but during season 1 it was definitely tempting to see things from Rue’s perspective. As much as I love Rue, Jules didn’t actually cheat on her, and honestly, she should probably just focus on herself for a while.

3. Jules Is Next

Now that we’ve gotten a deeper look at the aftermath of the season 1 finale for Rue, it only seems fair to get Jules’ side of the story. HBO has confirmed that “Rue” is the first of two special episodes, and while we don’t have a premiere date for the second one yet, it should be coming soon, considering that Zendaya referred to the two specials as “the Christmas episodes.” As for the content of special #2, it appears that it’ll show us what’s going on with Jules. In the “Enter Euphoria” featurette for the special, series creator Sam Levinson discusses the limitations of Rue’s perspective, saying “it leaves open the other side of the story, which is… Jules’ side.”

So basically, we’re getting a Jules special, is really exciting for a couple reasons. Up until now, the entire show has been more or less told through Rue. Her narration guided season 1, and as we just discussed, she’s not always the most accurate. It’s going to be a whole different experience to hear Jules telling her own story, and this opens up a lot of possibilities for future storytelling methods and character development. Also, we have no idea what happens with Jules after she gets on that train! In her special, we could meet new characters, or encounter other characters we already know, or who knows, it could literally be Jules talking to herself for an hour. The possibilities are endless!

4. Are We Getting A Spin-Off?

This is less of a takeaway and more of a vague conspiracy theory. Season 2 of Euphoria was originally supposed to begin production in March of this year, and was put on indefinite hold just days before as everything shut down. Sam Levinson quickly pivoted his focus, and we found out over the summer that he had secretly made a movie during quarantine starring Zendaya and John David Washington. The movie, Malcolm & Marie, is coming to Netflix in February. So, you ask, what does this have to do with Euphoria? Well, in the special episode, we find out that Ali has a daughter named Marie (!!!) who resents him for his past.

This could be a total coincidence, but considering that both stories were written by the same person, it’s fun to imagine that the stories could be somehow connected. We’re going to be waiting a while for season 2 of Euphoria, so maybe we can pretend that Malcolm & Marie is another special episode. Either way, I’m excited for it.

5. What About Season 2?

So yeah, about season 2. While I loved the special episode, it was nothing like a normal episode, and I won’t pretend that I didn’t miss all my favorite characters, like Maddy and Cassie and Lexie and Kat and Ethan and okay I really just love all of them except Nate. The special gave us some insight about what’s ahead for Rue (hopefully getting sober again), but the other storylines are still completely up in the air.

As for a timeline of when we can expect to see the second season, don’t hold your breath. Filming won’t start until early 2021, and the cast has frequently discussed how long and complex the Euphoria shooting process is. In a new interview with CulturedAlexa Demie said “there is a possibility that it’s out next year,” so I definitely wouldn’t expect a premiere date until later in the year. Either way, season 2 is definitely happening, so let’s hope it’s worth the wait.

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Images: HBO; Giphy

What’s Going On With ‘Euphoria’ Season 2?

After the massively underwhelming second season of Big Little Lies, which may as well have been called “The One Where Meryl Streep Calls Reese Witherspoon Short,” it was nice to tune into Euphoria, a show whose drama is actually riveting. I’ve never used that word non-sarcastically, so this is a big moment. The season finale gave us so much, including world’s most beautiful sociopath, Jacob Elordi, throwing a temper tantrum; Zendaya performing a very morbid musical number; Barbie Ferreira making a case for dominatrix fashion; and Hunter Schafer confirming that Avril Lavigne’s black streaks are still very much not a good look. But I’m greedy and I need more, which leads me to my first of many questions: Will there be a Euphoria season 2?

Francesca Orsi, Senior Vice President of Drama Series at HBO, told Entertainment Weekly, “We are so grateful that chose HBO as the home for this groundbreaking series. We look forward to following these complex characters as their journeys continue through the challenging world they inhabit.” Yay! Then Zendaya retweeted HBO’s announcement and said, “Literally just got the call. Can’t say thank you enough for the support we’ve seen, wow.” She types with the same enthusiasm level as my dad, who responds to all of my good and/or exciting news with a resounding “yea.” Anyway, this is amazing news and I am f*cking happy about it, as is the rest of the world. Look, even though exactly zero of my season one finale predictions came true, I’m still in the game of guessing the future, so keep reading for my Euphoria season 2 predictions!

Jules Will Go M.I.A.

This is model-turned-insanely-talented-actress Hunter Schafer’s first acting gig ever, which is shocking considering I’d nominate her for a f*cking Oscar if the Academy would let me. Back to my theory: the finale ended with Rue and Jules boarding a train for an unspecified place, but right before the train left the station, Rue started to have very responsible second thoughts. I’m proud of her for thinking of someone other than herself (her mom and sister), but also disappointed because this love story gave me all the life I’ll ever need and I don’t want it to end. So being the badass b*tch she is, Jules still boards the train! Will she come back? Honestly, probably, because I can’t imagine this show getting the exceedingly high ratings that it did without her, but also because she is such a fan favorite. 

I think she will be living in the Rue’s memory for the first episode or two via flashbacks and then she’ll just reappear with some gorgeous pastel hair color and make everyone (me) really happy. I am getting Serena going to boarding school after f*cking Nate vibes from her right now, and I’m not mad about it. 

Rue Will Relapse

Real talk: addiction is a disease, and many addicts relapse at some point on their roads to recovery. Rue admitted in the pilot that even after rehab, she had no intention of staying clean, which is sad because she was in a drug-induced coma for four days and nearly died. As we know, she meets Jules, and Jules’ beautiful existence on this earth is enough to convince Rue that life is worth living. I think, though, that with Jules taking her amazing eye makeup game to a different city, Rue will fall back into old habits and start using again. I’ve cried so many times watching this show and I know that Rue battling with whether or not she should swipe a pill in season two will def bring me to tears. I’m not prepared for this, y’all. 

Am I devastated to watch Rue undo all of her progress? Yes. Is this a drama about a teen drug addict? Yes. My point is Rue is 17 and is addicted to pills, so the chances of her staying off drugs are slim to none. So sad, but so inevitable.

Nate Will Come Out

But not in the way most people do. He’s definitely going to sexually assault a guy he thinks is cute and then go home and think, “What a good time! Should I blackmail text him? Or is it too soon?” I’m not a psychologist, but I do have working eyes and have observed that every time anyone insinuates that Nate may not be 100% straight (is anyone, though?), he gets more violent and spirals out of control. I mean, I literally had to close my eyes when he was having a Lottie in A Little Princess moment in his room because it was so terrifying. His very real internal battle will definitely start to come out. Pun fully intended. 

This may be far-fetched, but I think he will take after his dad and prefer the company of wildly inappropriate sexual partners and it will all explode in his face. Hoping that also happens to his dad because he is a disgusting child abuser who needs therapy/jail time pronto. 

Fez Will Have More Lines

Minus that time he attacked and robbed a rich man in front of said man’s young son who will probably be traumatized for life, Fez has been the unsung hero of this show. Not going to lie, I didn’t understand his character when the show first started and for a hot second, I thought he may be Nate’s long lost brother since he has two and we’ve only met one, but now I am really happy that they aren’t related. Fez was kind of a wildcard because I hated him for enabling Rue all these years, but at the same time, dude’s gotta eat! For real, though, Fez has a big heart and I’m happy he cut Rue off because he seems to genuinely care about her and she him. Unlike a few important people in her life, Fez has seen and helped Rue when she was at her lowest points, so hats off to you, Fez. We love you. 

I think Rue will lean on Fez in Jules’ absence and he will become much more of a central character in the show. I also think Mouse, that terrifying dude rocking a few face tats, will give him trouble for the raid and Rue, as always, will accidentally be present when sh*t goes down and ruin everything. Of course, Fez will save her and we will fall further in love with him. 

Think I’m completely wrong about one or all of my predictions for season two? Let me know, but make sure that if you come for me in the comments, you have facts to prove me wrong. Do you have any predictions for Euphoria season 2? 

Images: Giphy (4)

Our Predictions For The Season Finale Of ‘Euphoria’

Based on my last Euphoria article, it’s no secret that I am f*cking obsessed with this show. If you didn’t get a chance to read it, here’s how obsessed I am: I had ~plans~ with my FWB on Saturday and just as we were about to like, start, Euphoria came up in the convo and he admitted he had never heard of it, so I made him sit there and watch three full episodes. Yep, this nympho put sex on hold for a few hours so that one more soul could be touched by Euphoria. Was I doing God’s work last weekend? I’ll let Her decide, but I think yes. This show is incredible and if you disagree, I will fight you respect your opinion. 

If Euphoria has given you more than just a reason to stay up past 10pm on a Sunday night, you are probably all caught up and have a few ideas about what’s going to happen in the finale. But because this show is one gigantic curveball, it’s hard to know for sure. All I’m saying is that I’ve literally gasped out loud at least twice during every episode because I was so shocked. I truly can’t believe this season is already over, but like all good things, it must end. Yeah, I’m crying, whatever. Ok, so in light of the season finale that will most definitely have the world shaking, I have a few predictions up my sleeve that I’d love to share with you all. Here we go. 

Rue Is Dead

As in, she’s been dead the whole time. Tbh, I didn’t come up with this theory, but I read it on this really reliable source called the internet (ever heard of it?) and I kind of believe it. Here’s why: after reading said theory on the World Wide Web, I went back and watched the first episode because I needed to fill the hole in my day that my friends fill with their boyfriends, and I realized that Rue’s language is really cryptic and completely omnipotent. Maybe the directors just did this for stylistic purposes and so that we, the audience, can know wtf is going on, but maybe, just maybe, she’s like a beautiful, crop top-wearing, drug-taking spirit who has all of this v private knowledge about the characters because she’s already dead and ghosts know everything.

And as for the concrete reasons I believe the above to be true? For starters, remember when Rue fully overdosed in the first episode? What if, instead of Gia finding her just in time, she got there a little too late and Rue died? And the rest of the season had already happened pre-overdose and she’s recalling all these events based on her memory? That would actually make a lot of sense, considering it’s really hard to remember things that happened when you were high (or so I’ve heard…). She’s even admitted that she’s not super reliable. One more point: the last episode is called “And Salt the Earth Behind You,” which, like, yeah. I feel like HBO just confirmed that I am right with that one. 

Cassie Has An Abortion

I know what you’re all thinking. Of course she has an abortion! But think about all of the shows that feature some sort of unplanned underage pregnancy. Everyone either has the baby or has a miscarriage. No television show that I can think of (not even SATC) has touched abortion. I think Euphoria will be the one to go where no other show has gone before. And honestly, just knowing Cassie, she’s not going to be down to become the next Juno of her school. 

The fact that McKay is also very not down to have a baby has to influence her at least a little bit. It may be her body and her choice, but if the man she loves adamantly does not want to become a teen dad to their unborn child, it’s not that crazy to think that she may agree with him. As her pathetic excuse for a father so insensitively ingrained in her, parenthood isn’t something to be taken lightly, so if you’re not 100% down to have kids and care for them for at minimum the next 18 years, don’t f*cking have kids. 

Fez Is Going To F*ck Nate Up

And not in the way Nate likes it. I fully believed Fez when he promised Nate that he’d kill him if he (Nate) didn’t stop tormenting Rue and her friends. Obv Nate didn’t really care and is 110% going to keep messing with them, which makes me think that Fez will pull a gun on him just before he has the opportunity to do something really horrible to Jules and/or Rue. In the preview for the finale, someone in a ski mask (really?) is seen pointing a gun at someone else, and while a few people think it’s Rue holding the gun, I know for a fact it’s Fez. How do I know this? Look at those f*cking eyebrows! Those are Fez’s! Would anyone really be that shocked that the “dropout drug dealer” has and uses a gun from time to time? Now, I have no idea what Nate will actually do to incite this totally terrifying gun violence, but I definitely know it will be something bad. Like, worse than that time he made a fake dating app account using the identity of a man that he savagely beat up right before framing said man for rape, and then flirting with Jules on the fake account to use as blackmail against her. Is there even something worse than that? If so, Nate sure as f*ck would know what it is. Honestly, poor Jules. How did this even happen to her? 

I don’t think Nate will die, though. Mostly because, even though he’s a complete psychopath, he’s too damn beautiful to die. Secondly, later in the trailer (I’m assuming it’s chronological), someone is pinning him to a wall. From the looks of it, the person doing the pinning kind of seems like it’s Rue, but unless she’s part Hulk, I think it might be her dad? He’s the only other curly-headed person on this show. If it is him, that would also explain my earlier theory re: Rue narrating this entire season from the past. It would also explain why Nate hates Rue.

Daniel Is Kat’s Creepy Admirer

Ok, hear me out! Remember at the end of the last episode when Kat starts stripping at the command of someone who masked his voice and blacked out his screen? If he was just a rando creep on the internet, he wouldn’t have done that because he wouldn’t have had a reason to. Anyone else who Kat’s banged this season also wouldn’t have had shame in admitting they think she’s a sexy kween because, hello, they already had sex with her. Yes, technically, Daniel also had sex with her, but during it, he lied said he had zero recollection that the two of them dated for five months back in the day. And by “back in the day,” I mean four years ago. Unless POS Daniel has brain damage, there’s no way this little skeeze wouldn’t remember that. I think he has been into her this entire time, but is too much of a p*ssy to admit it, which is why he Skypes her while covering his camera and changing his voice. Is SVU hiring? I’m on a f*cking roll with the detective sh*t here.

One more theory about this and then I’ll move on. Him being into Kat would def explain why he’s not into Cassie: they’re polar opposites. It’s almost like the popular boys are expected to be into someone like Cassie and not into someone like Kat, which is both f*cked up and completely proves my point. 

What are your theories? Let me know!

Images: Giphy; HBO