Congressional Staffers Keep Our Government Running. Our Jobs Make It Hard To Function Ourselves.

In the past few months, an Instagram account coined “Dear White Staffers” has posted a stunning quantity of anonymous (and unvetted) anecdotes about working in the halls of Congress. The conditions described range from toxic workplaces and sexual harassment to tyrannical bosses and unaddressed substance abuse issues, with the account posting screenshot DMs from former and current staffers detailing what the day-to-day looked like in their respective offices. Overwhelmingly, contributors say they are overworked and underpaid in jobs that promised to fulfill their sense of purpose but have fallen short even by that standard.

I was one of them, and this is a first-hand account and my own account of what it is like to work in our government. 

“Fuck I hope you die.” Really bright and happy quote to start of the morning. This is a fraction of what it’s like to work for a member of Congress. 

“We don’t get into this to make money.” We say it out of reflex. We also say it as a justification. I was hired in a low-level staff position after multiple unpaid internships and didn’t earn enough to rent in the same place I worked.  I worked two jobs to make ends meet. Again, I was thankful. I reminded myself that I was not in this to make money. I was receiving a student loan payment. It was an enormous help. I am very thankful for that. 

But I’m also frustrated. My time working for a member of Congress gave me scars. I was diagnosed with a serious anxiety disorder two years in. I began seeing a therapist weekly and much of the conversation was driven around my work. I began medication and tried to rationalize why I was doing this. I spent repeated nights crying about work, stressed about tomorrow. Crippling anxiety woke me up in the night. My partner and family began to notice. 

I also began drinking more to numb the anxiety and feelings of stress—a very common coping mechanism for those working for members of Congress that’s been detailed in many @Dear_White_Staffers accounts. During my time in D.C., I saw it firsthand. I always described it as a “work hard, play hard” environment. But now, I see the ugly underbelly of addiction, depression, and hopelessness that runs through the foundation of our nation’s government.

Staffers are the backbone of Capitol Hill. And yet, congressional offices are woefully understaffed. By the time I left, a huge chunk of the work I was doing was not even on my job description. I hear what you’re thinking: a lot of people are overworked. First of all, we shouldn’t be—and the quiet uprising among the ranks on Capitol Hill comes as employees from a range of industries are demanding better treatment. But secondly, stretching staffers isn’t just bad for their morale, but bad for the people we’re hired to serve. Hiring more staff members and paying them fairly would help us to do better work for you.

While some current or former Republican staffers have shared their accounts, discussions around @Dear_White_Staffers have focused on the progressives whose public statements run contrary to their staff’s own experiences. That is an enormous problem. We cannot let this narrative drive the conversation. This truly is an issue that affects both sides of the aisle. Focusing only on the progressives who don’t always live up to their standards lets the conservatives have none off the hook. This is unacceptable.

The experiences detailed to @Dear_White_Staffers speak to a fundamental breakdown in our society. Like those in other low-paying but essential government positions, staffers do this work because they want to make a difference. Many of us believe in our work and in our boss’s ultimate goals for the country. We want to make people’s lives better, but at what cost to ourselves? In many ways, it is a “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” moment. We are turning the wheels and keeping the machine moving. 

We stay in these jobs because our loans get paid, we get health care and dental care. Raising the pay for Congress is integral, just as it’s important for everyone to have access to health care and student loan assistance.

The moral of this story is that without adequate pay and time off our government will continue to crumble.

Everything You Need To Know About 2020’s Biggest Senate Races

When we talk about elections, we often put most of our focus on the top of the ticket. Obviously, who the president is is very important, but putting a Democrat in the oval office won’t mean much if Mitch McConnell still gets to keep control over the Senate. Meanwhile, the progressive change Dems have already brought to the House won’t mean as much if legislation doesn’t pass in the Senate. 

Of the 35 seats up for reelection, Republicans are defending 23, and Democrats are defending 12. For the Senate to flip, Democrats need to gain a net of four seats on November 3.  They only need three if Biden wins the presidency, as the Vice President serves as the Senate’s tiebreaker. 

There are a few really good signs that Democrats have a chance at taking the senate. Almost all Democratic challengers have raised a ton of money – which makes sense since everyone is pretty pissed at people like Susan Collins, Mitch McConnell, and Martha McSally — all three of whom rank as some of the country’s  least popular senators. Trump’s lethally botched response to the coronavirus pandemic has led to his record unpopularity — just as Senate Republicans have spent years hitching their futures to his wagon.

As a result, polls suggest Democrats could take Senate seats never expected to go blue in states like Georgia and Alabama. Let’s take a look at some of the most competitive races, and where each candidate stands:

Who’s running? The incumbent is Democratic Senator Doug Jones. His opponent is former Auburn University football coach Tommy Tuberville who recently beat former Attorney General and current supervillain Jeff Sessions in the Republican primary. 

Why is this state competitive? The Democrats barely won the seat in 2017, and only because Jones faced off against accused child molester Roy Moore — which might be the only way a Democrat can win in Alabama. Alabama is a solidly red state and typically favors Republicans — with strong loyalty to Donald Trump. Jones also prosecuted the KKK members responsible for the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing 

So, what’s the deal? As of August, Tuberville is leading over Jones by about 10 points, and Trump has a massive lead over Biden in the state. Nothing is a done deal until November 3.

Who’s running? Former chairman of the South Carolina Democratic Party Jaime  Harrison is challenging Senator Lindsey Graham, and as of mid-August — the two were TIED

Why is this state competitive? Trump’s waning popularity with even Republican voters puts his most loyal allies at risk in November. Graham, who famously called candidate Trump a “xenophobic, race-baiting bigot” before supporting him unequivocally as president. 

So what’s the deal? A large percent of South Carolina voters polled said Graham is too supportive of Trump — but Trump won the state by nearly 15 points in 2016. 


Who’s running? The incumbent is Republican Senator Martha McSally, and she is being challenged by Democrat Mark Kelly. 

Why is this state competitive? Senator McSally was not elected but appointed to fill John McCain’s seat after losing to moderate Democrat Kyrsten Sinema in 2018. This is a special election because McCain was not supposed to be up for election this year. Kelly is a former astronaut married to former Rep. Gabby Giffords, who was nearly killed by a gunman in 2011 while representing Arizona in the House of Representatives. Kelly has a huge fundraising war chest and Trump-allied McSally is pretty unpopular in the state, so Kelly has a slight lead over her, emphasis on ‘slight.’ 

So, what’s the deal? Both Kelly and Biden have slight leads over their Republican opponents, but as we know, the polls don’t really mean anything. Experts predict that Arizona’s recovery from COVID will play a significant role in the election. McSally has recently scored points throughout the state by expressing her commitment to expanding the CARES act, which is the coronavirus relief bill. But shifting demographics in the state look good for Kelly. 


Who’s running? The incumbent is Republican Senator Cory Gardner, who is facing the end of his first term. He is being challenged by former Governor and Democratic presidential candidate John Hickenlooper. 

Why is this state competitive? Since Gardner won his seat in the 2014 Republican wave, the state has become increasingly blue. Clinton beat Trump by about five points in 2016, and the state legislature and governor are democrats). Colorado has a large immigrant population and strong ties to gun control, both are policy issues that are huge strengths for the Democratic party. Plus, Hickenlooper was a popular governor with name recognition in the state where protests against police brutality have emerged in every major city. 

So, what’s the deal? Nothing is guaranteed until people vote, but Colorado seems like the most likely state for Democrats to take from Republicans in November. 


Who’s running? Everyone’s least favorite person, Republican Senator Susan Collins, is being challenged by Maine’s Speaker of the House, Democrat Sara Gideon 

Why is this state competitive? Senator Collins has served in congress for almost 30 years and is currently ranked the least popular senator in office, inching ahead of Mitch McConnell. She has gained national attention over constant “disappointment” with the Trump presidency but failure to withhold any support from the administration whatsoever. Between her voting for Kavanaugh and constant expressions of concern for the president’s actions with no follow-through, it’s pretty safe to say that people are sick of Collins’ sh*t.

So, what’s the deal? Even though Collins is the literal WOAT, she’s kind of the Senate’s cockroach and survives under the most treacherous conditions. On the one hand, Biden is leading Trump in the state by close to 10 points, which may affect down-ballot elections. On the other, Collins managed to hold onto her seat in 2008 despite Obama winning Maine by more than 17 points. 

Who’s running? The incumbent is Republican Senator Thom Tillis. His challenger is veteran and Democrat Cal Cunningham. 

Why is this state competitive? North Carolina is a swing state that consistently has super thin margins, especially for Senate elections. Senator Tillis has a history of cutting unemployment benefits and opposing Medicaid expansion. These two issues are extremely important to North Carolina residents, especially considering rises in unemployment that are related to COVID-19. North Carolina turned blue for Obama in 2008 but broke for Trump in 2016, which some attribute to Democrats’ failure to offer voters of color motivation to turn out for Hillary Clinton.

So, what’s the deal? While Tillis’ weaknesses may make it seem like a done deal, the GOP is holding on pretty tightly to the state. Both Biden and Cunningham have small leads over their Republican opponents, but there is not enough distance that would totally give the state to the Democrats. 

Who’s running? The incumbent is obviously the evil lizard man himself, Mitch McConnell, and his opponent is Amy McGrath. 

Why is this state competitive? As Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell is like, enemy number one. While Kentucky usually wouldn’t be in play, the Democrats have run a long campaign to fundraise for his opponent. However, after a competitive primary between Amy McGrath and Charles Booker, it has become abundantly clear that Democratic turnout is up in the state and that Mich McConnell’s seat might be in pretty hot water. 

So, what’s the deal? While Kentucky is definitely a red state, the growth of the Democratic party within the state and national attention around the race might mean good news.


Who’s running? Real estate developer and urban planner Theresa Greenfield is challenging Republican Senator Joni Ernst

Why is this state competitive? Ernst’s job approval has slipped while her loyalty to Trump has risen as Iowans see her as increasingly disconnected from their needs. Greenfield was a 24-year-old mother of two when her husband died suddenly in a work-related accident, and she relied partially on government benefits that are a lifeline to so many communities, but the GOP is not known for supporting. 

So, what’s the deal? Greenfield has polled ahead of Ernst, and her message of protecting things like Social Security benefits that Republicans like Ernst look to privatize could appeal to older suburban voters. 



Who’s running? The incumbent is Democratic Senator Gary Peters, his opponent is Republican and Veteran John James.

Why is this state competitive? Michigan is huge in the presidential election, especially this year. Democratic Governor Gretchen Whitmer has drawn attention on both sides of the aisle for her COVID response, which caused lots of praise from the left and resentment on the right (remember: protests about haircuts). Michigan also voted for Trump in the last election, but only by about 10,000 votes. Increased pressure on the state for the presidential election on both sides will probably trickle down to Senate races. 

So, what’s the deal? In general, Michigan leans Democratic, and both the incumbent and Biden are leading in the polls. If Republicans want to flip the state, they will have to work harder than I did to learn the ‘Savage’ TikTok dance. 


What Does This All Mean? 


Even if you don’t live in these states, voting all the way down the ballot is crucial to make sure you are doing your part in 2020. This is super overwhelming, but while we obviously want to turn the White House and Senate blue, we also are defending the House and have to consider local and state officials. 

If you’re interested in helping out in these states and aren’t a resident, there are plenty of ways to participate in these races. You can donate to campaigns and sign up to phone bank for Democratic candidates or check out Crooked Media’s Adopt a State program here. We also have a dope “Flip The Senate” sweatshirt and t-shirt here — 20% of sales (ex. tax and shipping) benefits the ACLU’s Voting Rights Project. 

6 Takeaways From Attorney General Bill Barr’s Drama-Fueled Senate Hearing

Another day, another day-long congressional testimony where some old white guy lies at us for six hours. Grool. Attorney General William Barr testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee today regarding the Mueller investigation, his decision not to charge President Trump with obstruction, and the 4-page summary he provided of Mueller’s report ahead of its actual release. Here are 6 major takeaways from Barr’s testimony for those of you who can’t just casually watch hours of C-SPAN at the office.

1. Republicans Want to Investigate the Investigation

From the people who brought you the Benghazi hearings, I give you…the Mueller investigation investigation! Several Republican senators used their precious time to express concern over how the Mueller investigation was started and the legality of the FISA warrants used to surveil the Trump campaign. When asked by Senator Lindsey Graham if he was concerned about the “counterintelligence probe and how it started,” Barr answered yes, meaning he might be open to the Department of Justice investigating the origins of the investigation itself. All of this is based on a Trump-supported idea that the investigation into his campaign was based on the Steele dossier (aka the thing the pee tape rumor comes from), despite the fact that both the FBI and the Mueller report both demonstrate that the investigation began after George Papadopoulos got drunk and told an Australian diplomat the Russians had dirt on Hillary. Which reminds me, I need to apologize for some things I said after drinks last weekend…

2. Attorney General Barr Needs a Dictionary

Throughout the hearing, AG Barr seemed to be confused over the definition of very simple words. Barr claimed that he needed clarification on the definition of the words “suggest,” “summary,” “members,” and “conclusion.” He also said that President Trump never told White House counsel Don McGahn to “fire” Mueller, he simply asked him to “remove Mueller from his position due to alleged conflicts of interest.” See? Totally different.

3. Lindsey Graham Is Angry!!!!

Lindsey Graham resumed his role as craziest motherf*cker in the room for yet another hearing, Lord help us all. As committee chairman, Graham used his opening speech to yell about Hillary’s emails (of course) and read text messages between then-FBI official Peter Strzok and his girlfriend Lisa Page, one of which literally just said “Trump is a f*cking idiot.” Wait…but if criticizing Trump in 2016 is wrong then what about the guy who said this?

If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed…….and we will deserve it.

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) May 3, 2016

Or this?

“You know how you make America great again? Tell @realDonaldTrump to go to hell”

— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) December 8, 2015

Or any of this?

Just a little @LindseyGrahamSC compilation… @realDonaldTrump @POTUS #LindseyGraham #Sad #Kook

— Snow Flake (@IceColdSnoFlake) May 1, 2019

4. The 2020 Dems Came To Play

2020 hopefuls and Senate Judiciary Committee members Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, and Amy Klobuchar all used the hearing to audition for debating Donald Trump sometime in the future. Booker hammered Barr for “adding normalcy to a point where we should be sounding alarms,” about Russian interference. Klobuchar brought receipts while questioning Barr’s decision not to pursue an obstruction of justice charge, and in a particularly shady exchange, Kamala Harris came to slay when she asked Barr if the President or anyone else had ever suggested he investigate anyone. He responded by saying he doesn’t know what “suggest” means.

Here is the complete exchange, via CSPAN, between Kamala Harris and Bill Barr — including the part where Barr couldn’t say whether Trump or anyone in the White House has ever suggested that he open an investigation into anyone. It’s worth a watch.

— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) May 1, 2019

5. Mueller Wasn’t Into Barr’s Summary

Much of the hearing was focused on a March 27 letter Mueller sent to AG Barr in which he expressed concern over Barr’s Cliffs Notes version of the report, saying that it “did not fully capture the context, nature, and substance of this office’s work and conclusions” and caused “public confusion about critical aspects of the results of our investigation.” When asked about what Mueller’s concerns, Barr said that he thought the letter was “a bit snitty” and that after he read it, he called Mueller and asked, “Why don’t you pick up and call me if you have an issue?” You have my number, bro!

Barr says Mueller’s letter to him was “snitty”

— CNN Politics (@CNNPolitics) May 1, 2019

 6. Barr Doesn’t Exonerate Trump

Despite the fact that the president tweets “TOTAL EXONERATION” once per hour these days, both Barr and the Mueller report were actually careful not to exonerate him. When asked about his decision not to charge Trump with obstruction Barr said, “I didn’t exonerate. I said that we didn’t believe that there was sufficient evidence to establish an obstruction case.” Nobody tell Trump he said that…

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Dems Are Using Their State Of The Union Guests To Troll Trump

The hottest club in Washington DC tonight is the State of the Union! Anyone who is anyone (on the hill) has the exclusive invite and this year they’re bringing more guests than ever. It’s the first SOTU since the longest government shutdown in American history (remember that?) So who is on the invite list?

Well along with the usual suspects aka the Senate and House of Representatives, there will be an onslaught of new faces at the event this evening. Lawmakers are specifically bringing guests to piss of Trump, which is a party power move and we must respect it as such. Here is who we will be seeing in the hallowed halls of the House Chamber.

1. Elizabeth Warren

2020 hopeful Elizabeth Warren is bringing a government worker who was affected by the shutdown. Oh, the shade!

Glad to announce Sajid Shahriar will be my #SOTU guest. He’s a MA federal worker and union leader who went 35 days without a paycheck during the #TrumpShutdown. Government workers like Sajid shouldn’t be used as bargaining chips. They deserve better.

— Elizabeth Warren (@SenWarren) February 4, 2019

2. Dick Durbin

Dick Durbin also went the “remind everyone Trump shut down the government” route by inciting an air traffic controller!

President Trump’s shutdown was a kick in the gut to Toby Hauck & all air traffic controllers. Their stories & pleas to reopen the government in the name of public safety stopped this President from inflicting more damage to our country. I’m honored to have Toby as my #SOTU guest.

— Senator Dick Durbin (@SenatorDurbin) February 4, 2019

3. AOC

I mean, we all knew Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would bring out the big guns. She’ll be attending the SOTU with the activist famous for yelling at Jeff Flake in an elevator over the Kavanaugh nomination.

I’m proud to announce that my #StateOfTheUnion guest will be @AnaMariaArchil2.

Ana Maria is the NY14-er who famously jumped into the elevator with Sen. Flake to elevate the stories of survivors everywhere.

She‘s living proof that the courage within all of us can change the ?.

— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) February 4, 2019

4. Rep. Chris Pappas

Chris Pappas is out here reminding us that trans troops are already serving in the military, and that their sacrifice won’t be forgotten no matter what the administration’s policies are.

My guest for the #SOTU will be Tavion Dignard, a transgender Navy veteran. The Trump Admin’s transgender service ban makes America less safe and politicizes our military; everyone who is fit to serve should be treated equally. I’m proud to welcome to Tavion to the People’s House.

— Congressman Chris Pappas (@RepChrisPappas) February 3, 2019

5. Rep. Sharice Davids

Freshman Rep. Sharice Davids is bringing a health care advocate with her. Which party was it that wanted to repeal Obamacare again?

My guest at this year’s State of the Union will be Laura Robeson – proud mom to Danny & fierce health care advocate. Laura is passionate about making sure Danny & all kids have access to the care they need.
Read more:

— Congresswoman Sharice Davids (@RepDavids) January 30, 2019

As is the case with all parties, there will be some guests in attendance who are not as much the vibe and everyone is low-key wondering why they’re invited.

First Lady Melania Trump

Far be it for any of us to say a child should be bullied or should not be at the SOTU just because he has an unfortunate last name, but isn’t it kind of rude to bring a bullied child to a speech by biggest bully on Earth? Just a thought…

Joshua Trump, 11, who has been bullied for his last name is among President Trump’s #SOTU guests.

— Twitter Moments (@TwitterMoments) February 5, 2019

Rep/Goblin Steve King

Actual white supremacist who serves in our government Steve King invited Diamond and Silk, two Trump supporting YouTube ladies who conservatives are obsessed with. Congrats to them?

Having only one ticket, I invited one of two guests for the State of the Union tonight, #sotu Lynnette Hardaway & Rochelle Richardson, otherwise know as Diamond & Silk. Diamond won the coin toss. Both will be my guest speakers at COS in the morning.

— Steve King (@SteveKingIA) February 5, 2019

Of course there is one person who will not be at the SOTU this evening and that is the designated survivor in case everyone is blown to smithereens in the House Chamber. Imagine being lucky enough to not have to listen to Trump talk for an hour.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!



Our Favorite Congressional Freshmen Joining The House This Year

While we are all reeling from New Years hangovers and tearing up at the idea of actually committing to Whole 30, there’s a whole crew of people in Washington DC enthusiastically having their first day of work. The 116th class of Congress started today and it’s like the first day of school if everyone wore tailored power suits, had beautiful hair, and absolutely no acne. So it’s sort of like the first day of school in any Netflix original series.

As with all first days of school, we’re excited about the new kids, you know the mysterious ones who showed up out of nowhere and are promising to shake things up. Maybe they’ll ask us to prom?

Alexandria Ocasi0-Cortez

AOC is the HBIC for this incoming class and we couldn’t be more excited. Between her actually super valuable lessons on how our government even works and her ability to send any conservative person in our government into full on panic mode, she is sure to keep doing what millennials do best: disrupt. Also, she’s 29 years old, making her the youngest woman ever in Congress. Finally, a congresswoman who understands how to use Insta Story and the struggles of waiting for a text back.

Ilhan Omar

Ilhan Omar is the first Somali-American member of Congress as well as one of the two first Muslim women to serve. She will also be the first woman to wear a hijab, which is cool for many reasons, but mostly will make the sea of balding white heads we have to look at at the State of the Union a little more interesting.

23 years ago, from a refugee camp in Kenya, my father and I arrived at an airport in Washington DC.

Today, we return to that same airport on the eve of my swearing in as the first Somali-American in Congress. #Hope #Ilhan ????????

— Ilhan Omar (@IlhanMN) January 2, 2019

Sharice Davids

Davids is one of two first Native American women joining congress and is the first openly gay person Kansas has elected to the House. She nearly beat the incumbent congressman by double digits and is a skilled mixed martial arts fighter. I think this makes her the lady-jock we all have a big crush on?

Ayanna Pressley

Massachusetts elected their first black congresswoman, Ayanna Pressley. She’s passionate, whip smart, and understands that by quoting Beyonce’s lyrics, she is inspiring the next generation of political leaders. Also – and I hate to focus on a female professionals looks but it just has to be said – she is forty four years old and I fully thought she was like, twenty five.

Siri cue #TheCarters “I can’t believe we made it.This is what we’re thankful for.” & remix it with #SamCooke “Change is gonna come.” #TeamHarris #ATeam #MA7 #changecantwait #mapoli

— Ayanna Pressley (@AyannaPressley) January 1, 2019

Veronica Escobar & Sylvia Garcia

It’s unclear why it took Texas, a state comprised of 40% Hispanics, so long to elect two Latinas to Congress. JK, we know why! Systemic racism! Anyways, these two women are being sworn in to the 116th class today, contributing to the most diverse Congress this country has ever had.

It’s an exciting day knowing that this might be the year the football team finally takes down our rival, Team President. Now here is a beautiful class photo taken by the crazy Vice Principal we all thought got fired years ago but still hangs out in the parking lot.

A sight for sore eyes…
Welcome #116thCongress

— OMAROSA (@OMAROSA) January 3, 2019

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Kim Kardashian Just Made Criminal Justice Reform Happen

Once again, Kim Kardashian has proven to be the ultimate influencer. And no, this time we are not referring to the global rise of the middle part, but the First Step Act. It’s okay if you don’t know what that is because you’ve been bingeing The Princess Switch and Dumplin’. We’re here to fill you in.

Yesterday the Senate voted 87-12 to pass the bill which will be the biggest criminal justice reform our country has seen since JNCO jeans were in fashion. The First Step Act does a few things. First, it allows people who were put in jail before Congress reduced the the disparity between powder and crack cocaine sentences to also benefit from that bill, which could affect up to 2,600 federal inmates. It also lessens mandatory minimums and the three strike rule used against drug offenders that often adds decades onto sentences.

The act will also ban the practice of women being shackled during childbirth, which is so insanely cruel it’s hard to believe it was ever a thing at all. And it will introduce a number of rehabilitative programs to aid former inmates to re-acclimate back into society. Unfortunately the act only applies to federal inmates, which makes up only a small fraction of the U.S.’ 2.1 million person prison population but like the act says, it’s a first step. So what are the next steps? Paul Ryan has signaled the House will move to pass the bill ASAP, at which point it will go to President Trump’s desk. Normally that would be the place where all good things go to die, but the president has been suspiciously on board with the legislation since the fall.

And who do we have to thank for Trump being suspiciously onboard?

So, mainly Jared Kushner, who has taken on criminal justice reform as one of his 12403726 jobs in the White House, but also…Kim Kardashian!!! As we all remember, Kim bravely took some time off from preparing for the Met Gala to help free Alice Marie Johnson, a woman serving life in prison for a nonviolent drug crime. Kim visited the White House earlier this year to talk with Trump about criminal justice reform, which resulted in clemency for Johnson and at least one cursed image:



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How did this happen

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Ever since that blessed day, Kim K has teamed up with others like Kushner and Van Jones to keep the kriminal justice reform train rolling. Obviously many other non-Kardashians worked on this issue for a long, long time in obscurity before Kim decided to use her platform to elevate it, but those people aren’t on a reality show so….

Well said, Van Jones. Well said.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

5 Dramatic Moments From Day One of Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court Hearing

On Tuesday, viewers across the country tuned in to a high-stakes, drama-filled TV special. No, I’m not talking about Bachelor in Paradise. I’m talking Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearing. Given that Kavanaugh could totally push the court far to the right (putting decisions like Roe v. Wade in jeopardy), and also given that the president who nominated him is not-so-low-key implicated in multiple crimes, this confirmation hearing has been way more intense than normal. Here are five key takeaways from the first day of Kavanaugh’s hearing.

1. Democrats Grew Some Spines

Democrats might not have the votes to stop Kavanaugh’s confirmation all by themselves, but they still came in strong. When Senator Chuck Grassley (aka Republican chair of the Senate judiciary committee/sentient corn husk doll) began his opening remarks, Dems quickly interrupted him. Senate BAEs like Kamala Harris and Cory Booker argued that they couldn’t possibly move forward with the hearing because they hadn’t had time to sufficiently review documents related to Kavanaugh. They pointed out that 42,000 pages of documents were only made available the night before the hearing. Honestly, no amount of Adderall can get you through that much reading in one night. Trust me, I’ve tried.

WATCH: Sens. Harris, Klobuchar and Blumenthal interject as Sen. Grassley attempts to begin SCOTUS nominee Kavanaugh's confirmation hearing

— MSNBC (@MSNBC) September 4, 2018

2. F*ck Yes, Protestors!

Senate Dems weren’t the only ones making a ruckus. While a group of women dressed as handmaids silently protested in the halls of the Senate, dozens of women were arrested for protesting in the courtroom, including Women’s March co-chair Bob Bland, Coyote Ugly star Piper Perabo (you go, Piper Perabo!), and many other brave people pointing out that Kavanaugh’s confirmation could seriously endanger health care, gay rights, and women’s rights.

Handmaids in the Senate Building.#StopKavanagh ????

— Piper Perabo (@PiperPerabo) September 4, 2018

3. Kavanaugh made A Yuge Handshake Mistake

I don’t know why it’s relevant, but one of the main arguments for Kavanaugh has been that, even though he might strip away protections for vulnerable groups, he’s like a super-nice guy and a great carpool dad!! But turns out that this OMG SWEETEST GUY ALIVE didn’t have time to shake hands with the father of a slain Parkland teen. When Fred Guttenberg, whose daughter Jamie was killed in the Florida shooting, approached Kavanaugh at the hearing and introduced himself, holding out his hand for a shake, Kavanaugh walked away. (Kavanaugh’s defenders argue that he would’ve shaken Guttenberg’s hand but security intervened too quickly.) There’s video of the incident, so you can watch it yourself to see which side of this super-depressing Yanny vs. Laurel you come down on:

Wow, here you can hear @fred_guttenberg telling Kavanaugh that his daughter "was murdered in Parkland," and Kavanaugh whirls and walks away

— Tommy Christopher (@tommyxtopher) September 4, 2018

4. Republicans Are Charging Ahead

Despite all the protests, the cloud over Trump, and the unreviewed document dump, Republicans pushed ahead with the hearing, saying that Democrats needed to “stop the charades” and quit politicizing the process. Because they’ve never politicized a Supreme Court nominee… (*Somewhere, Merrick Garland silently stares into a glass of bourbon, a single tear sliding down his cheek.*)

Democratic Sen. Richard Blumenthal, responding to GOP Sen. Ben Sasse’s plea to “stop the charades,” says while he agrees, “part of our job is to review the record of the nominee as thoroughly, as deliberately as possible … we can’t do that on this record”

— CNN Politics (@CNNPolitics) September 4, 2018

5. Kavanaugh Puts Ketchup On His Pasta

Orrin Hatch jokingly revealed Kavanaugh’s weird dining habit, and honestly I feel like this is just more evidence that he does not have good judgment. I don’t want a dude who dumps a bunch of Heinz on his pasta to be deciding what I can and cannot do with my body.

There’s still plenty more confirmation hearing to go, so if you’re as concerned as I am about Kavanaugh’s positions on ketchup (and women’s rights, and presidential immunity, and all sorts of other things), pick up that phone and call your senators.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

7 Shady Politicians Who Will Stan Trump No Matter What

Right now, Donald Trump’s losing friends faster than Lindsay Lohan near the end of Mean Girls, and it’s enough to make you wonder… could Trump actually get impeached soon? Yeah right, b*tch, it’s not gonna be that easy. Trump’s biggest enablers in Congress are ride or die with their boy Donny, and they’ve still got his back, criminal allegations be damned.

On Tuesday, Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pled guilty to criminal charges. (Gasp!) Then, he told the court that, during the election, Trump had directed him to make illegal payments to two women with whom he’d been having affairs to keep them quiet. (Double gasp! But also, like, duh?) The whole reason we’ve got multiple branches of government is so that they can keep each other in check, and yet, not surprisingly, the response from many Congressional Republicans was a resounding “meh.” Let’s give these enabling assh*les their moment in the spotlight.

1. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

The demon turtle strikes again. The most recent example of McConnell’s awfulness? When asked if he was going to do anything about Michael Cohen’s allegations that the president directed him to make payments to hide his affairs during the election, the Senate Majority Leader said he was too busy trying to confirm Trump’s Supreme Court nomination. Cool cool, cause we should definitely be letting the president make a lifelong court appointment right now. (Casual reminder that McConnell stole Merrick Garland’s Supreme Court seat.)

2. Paul Ryan (R-WI)

This Boy Scout gone wrong makes a lot of pretty speeches, but when it’s time for him to actually do anything to stand up to Trump, he’s all, “Oops sorry lol I don’t have enough information.” No surprise that he pulled the same old sh*t when asked about holding hearings on the Cohen testimony.

3. Roy Blunt (R-MO)

His last name makes him sound like he should be cool, but he’s not. Most recently, he buried a bipartisan bill that aimed to stop election interference, potentially because the White House didn’t like it. That move is not at all true to the spirit of blunts, Roy.

4. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA)

Another man with a great last name and a terrible heart. Goodlatte wrote a very Trumpian immigration bill, and ruined FBI agent Peter Strzok’s career after Strzok’s private Burn Book/anti-Trump texts came to light. Goodlatte sucks so much that his own SON publicly donated to the Democrat running against him. You go, Goodlatte Jr!

I just gave the maximum allowed donation to Jennifer Lewis, a democrat running for my father's congressional seat. I've also gotten 5 other folks to commit to donate the max. 2018 is the year to flip districts — let's do this!

— Bobby Goodlatte (@rsg) August 13, 2018

5. Devin Nunes (R-CA)

This former milk-farmer is totally Trump’s Gretchen Wieners. He’s been doing everything in his power to screw up the Russia investigation, and recently, he was caught on tape telling GOP donors that Republicans had to keep their majority to protect Trump from impeachment. Not fetch, Nunes. Not fetch at all.

6. Mark Meadows (R-NC)

This Freedom Caucus hardliner co-proposed a bill to impeach Rod Rosenstein (aka the guy who appointed Robert Mueller). Also, apparently he and Trump chat on the phone multiple times a week. Aww! And if these two were ever going to do a three-way call, they’d totally add…

7. Jim Jordan (R-OH)

He’s the other Freedom Caucus member who proposed the Rosenstein impeachment bill. Jordan gets bonus “terrible person” points for allegedly helping to cover up sexual abuse when he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State University. Trump’s called Jordan a “warrior for me,” and Jordan probably whispers that praise to himself every night before he goes to sleep.

How TF Do We Get Rid Of These A-Holes?


At this point, Trump could probably kill a kitten and run down the street yelling, “I AM SATAN’S MISTRESS,” and these guys would still find a way to excuse it. So what can you do about it? Register to vote, and make that blue wave happen in the midterms.

>>Click Here To Get Registered<<


Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!