You might recall that a few months ago I wrote an article about my own college shutting down. Well, at the end of the article I made a promise that might not pan out: that gross frat basements would be ready and waiting for us this fall. It turns out that not only was that super wrong but also super naive.
Here’s the thing, universities have even less of an idea what fall will look like than I have about what I’m going to do in the spring when I graduate. So, having no plan for the future is just one of the things that America’s most prestigious institutions and I have in common.
Every university has just been super shady about their reopening plan, mostly to avoid making any real commitments. Even Tulane, which is where I go, sent out an email confirming that campus will be open in the fall but the email was filled with a ton of caveats and since then the school has started to push optional remote learning. School’s plans pretty much fall into one of three categories: full in-person learning (let’s call that denial), a hybrid learning plan, or full remote learning.
Regardless of their school’s official plans, students and administrators are desperate to have some sense of normalcy come the fall. Whether that means heading back to their off-campus apartments to take online classes, abiding by mask-wearing requirements, or creating plans for shortened semesters that limit how often students leave and return to campus.
But, even at schools that move forward with an in-person learning model in the fall, it is pretty unlikely that life will be returning to normal. Like, it’s honestly never a great idea to be in a tiny frat house with 100+ random people, but it’s an even worse idea now. And, if frat boys insist on coming up with any possible reason to not wear a condom, how can we trust them to socially distance and wear masks at their own parties?
It’s important to remember universities’ plans for the fall have a much deeper impact on society than whether or not I’ll get to wear a sparkly mini dress at my semi-formal this semester. Universities have to consider what they will do about tuition, international students, and all employees and faculty members. Universities are huge ecosystems that have major impacts in surrounding communities, and any decisions about the fall have to take these things into consideration.
Many schools that have moved online for the semester are still having students pay full tuition. Sure, classes are being offered online and people will still be learning, but online learning does not come close to in-person learning. Students are losing out on personal relationships with their professors, hands-on instruction, and some of the campus services that make a world of difference when it comes to actually understanding class material.
On Monday, ICE, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, reported that they would be issuing a regulation prohibiting international students whose universities have adopted online learning for the fall from staying in the country. As schools continue to change their plans based on developments in research and changes in their communities, this f*cks over more than a million students.
ICE said in a news release yesterday that students “may not take a full online course load and remain in the United States,” adding, “The U.S. Department of State will not issue visas to students enrolled in schools and/or programs that are fully online for the fall semester nor will U.S. Customs and Border Protection permit these students to enter the United States.”
Here’s the thing: while I disagree with ICE and the government in general, they make an interesting point. The government is saying that learning remotely is different than in-person college, which is correct. So, if the college experience is different when it is done online, maybe, just maybe, we shouldn’t have to pay the same tuition as if it was in person. Just a thought.
All that said, politicians and some universities are pushing for full reopenings next semester – citing financial concerns. Ok, sure. There are legitimate economic concerns especially when we think about service workers and the impact students and professors have on local businesses. But, when colleges express concerns about their own bankruptcy, it’s like a. what about your endowments and b. ok way to make a great case for federally funded college.
At the same time that schools, parents, and students are grappling with hard decisions about the fall, students are returning to their off-campus apartments for the summer. IMO, there’s nothing wrong with heading back to school, especially if you’re paying for an apartment that you were unable to sublet. But, you have to be safe. There’s a huge difference between spending the day working on remote internships and summer classes and going to huge parties where no one is wearing a mask. I’m not saying that you can’t do anything but sit in your living room and stare at your roommates, but it’s important to remember to wear a mask, socially distance, and keep your circle small.
Here’s the deal, there is a direct correlation between the way we act now and what the rest of the year is going to look like. If we want this shit to end we have to wear masks, socially distance, and avoid big parties. Until this happens, the likelihood of life returning to any sense of normalcy is extremely small.
Hate to break it to ya, but the only thing guaranteed about fall 2020 is that it’s going to be a clusterfuck.
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I consider myself a realist. Therefore, I do not expect the room decor of a 20-year-old male to resemble that of an IKEA showroom. Most people, in fact, don’t expect to be blown away by the interior decorating skills of a college boy, and would be really impressed if they even had a fitted sheet on their bed. What I’m trying to say is that the expectations are LOW.
That being said, whether heinous or slightly less heinous, a guy’s room “decor” (and I use that term loosely) can reveal a lot about him and tell you the kind of f*ckboy you’re dealing with. Without further ado, let’s judge a book by its cover.
It’s only fair to begin with the most common f*ckboy room staple piece. This flag is like the male equivalent of having a tapestry from Urban Outfitters. The “Saturdays are for the Boys” (SAFTB) flag is the epitome of douchebaggery, especially if it ever gets brought out in public. If you’re in college, you’ve definitely experienced the SAFTB flag f*ckboy and the type of sh*t he likes to pull. Drunk texting you annoying sh*t while you’re out with your friends. Making you Uber to his house at 2am, only to pass out in a puddle of half-eaten pizza and his own vomit, leaving you outside shivering in your cop top. And, god forbid, actually muttering the words “Saturdays are for the boys”. Basic decor. Basic f*ckboy.
The problem with this type of guy is that he thinks he’s “edgy” and “different” when in reality he fails to notice that Frank Ocean and The Lumineers are not, in fact, underground artists. This f*ckboy will likely attempt to model his outfits after, like, Tyler the Creator, and he’ll own more cross-body fanny packs than you do. He will pretend not to notice you whenever he has his AirPods in and will sh*t talk you for listening to Adele. You may have a few fun dates and convince yourself that you’re ~branching out~ with both your taste in men and music, but before you know it you’ll grow exhausted of his pretentious conversation topics, drop him, and start to crave trash pop music again.
At least one wall in every f*ckboy’s dorm/apartment/house is covered in boxes from whatever beer is the cheapest rack at the local liquor store. Unless he’s in a frat, in which case, at least two walls will be plastered with beer boxes. Anyone with eyes can see this “decor” is just trash taped to a wall, but this f*ckboy sees this collection as a point of pride, and not an ode to all the empty calories he’s consumed that semester (not to mention, all the brain cells killed).
This is the guy who thinks getting blackout drunk is a personality trait. He will always be found at the party next to the keg, being weirdly protective over it and criticizing everyone’s pours. He’ll sh*t on you for liking White Claw, but drink Natty Light like it’s water. The one upside of this guy is that he’s generally pretty fun to party with if you’re both hammered… until he inevitably gets way too hammered. He’s a great date for any events or mixers up until the point when he gets way too drunk, vomits in front of all your friends, and you’re stuck apologizing for the drunken idiot you now have to force into a cab because he insists he’s “fine”.
Excessive Sports Pennants/Posters
Though also incredibly basic, the excessive sports regalia f*ckboy is not to be confused with the SAFTB f*ckboy. This guy actually cares enough about a specific team to display a flag/logo/whatever in their room, whereas the SAFTB f*ckboy is just slapping the universal symbol for misogyny on their wall. The excessive sports paraphernalia is a dead giveaway that this is the kind of f*ckboy who peaked on his high school basketball team and will probably tell you stories about games and constantly claiming he “could’ve gone D1.” Sure, Chad.
When it comes to a room drowning in fan gear, certain cities will spell doom for you. For example, if he is from Chicago or backs Chicago teams, be prepared to hear him whine about sports teams that consistently suck. This guy will probably have a minor gambling addiction and ignore your texts during football games while he loses a few hundred dollars. If he’s from Boston, get ready for a giant superiority complex.
“Witty” Political Posters
Political posters signal a f*ckboy who took a single political science class and suddenly thinks he’s smarter than you. Picture Connor Roy from Succession. This guy will allllways have piping-hot “hot takes” that are really more half-baked than hot. He’ll ask to not use a condom after saying he doesn’t support Planned Parenthood, or refuse to pay for dates because “capitalism is a scam” or some sh*t, and he will generally talk to you like you’re inferior. No matter what side of the aisle he finds himself on, you can bet that he will hang up a few political posters. But pay attention to the specifics, because those are the most revealing. For example, if he has a JFK poster, he’s likely from the East Coast, and any money he’s spent on you probably came right out of his parents’ pockets. A Reagan/Bush ‘84 poster means he saw it on another guy’s T-shirt once, and he only identifies as a conservative because his parents do.
This obviously isn’t a definitive list, and I’m not saying that there isn’t still hope for these guys. But the sad reality is that most of us are dealing with some disturbing hodgepodge of all of the above f*ckboy traits. May we pray that one day these guys evolve and branch out to something a bit more civilized. Like a wall of LaCroix boxes or an Anthropologie candle.
Images:manny PANTOJA / Unsplash; Giphy (2); @barstooluconn (Instagram: 1)
It’s been over six weeks since seniors in college began to realize that the Senior Spring they had been dreaming about since their first semester wasn’t going to happen. No darties, no senior week, no thesis presentations, no more wine nights with your roommates, no more chances to shoot your shot with that guy in lecture, and no walking across the stage in a cap and gown to tie it all up. For a lot of seniors, this news hit hard because, aside from all of these losses, it felt like the world was telling them they needed to become full-grown adults a few months before they were ready (if any of us can really be ready to enter into the real world). In March, rather than May, they had to face the inevitable truth: college actually does end.
As April comes to a close, and as some of us have maybe gotten into the swing of online classes, virtual graduation dates are fast approaching. So what does life look like when college actually ends during a pandemic? Many seniors are feeling the weight of the highest unemployment rate since the Great Depression and the impending recession pressing down on them. Many have had start dates pushed or jobs offers rescinded altogether. All in all, it’s a clusterf*ck, leading many to wonder: what the hell should we do? Betches spoke with career expert Joy Altimare for suggestions on how new graduates can prepare to enter this now-f*cked-up workforce.
Do: Use This Experience To Your Advantage
me, turning my wifi off & on again: i am a woman in STEM
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 23, 2020
Recent grads can and should use this online term to their advantage. “Recent graduates have an advantage,” Altimare told us, “The new normal in the workplace will look a lot like how they have learned during the last four years.” So basically, all that time you spent on social media during class was not time wasted, and simply knowing how to set up a video chat puts you ahead of the curve. (If you think I’m exaggerating, ask your parents to make a Zoom call, and realize that’s what most companies are dealing with.) Altimare says, “virtual and tele-learning are very similar to how professional environments will operate moving forward.” Wow, I can’t wait to tell my mom that I actually learned something useful in college (how to open a bottlecap with a spoon does not count, apparently).
Altimare also advises new grads to tell companies what you learned from online classes, and apply that to a professional environment. She says, “now more than ever, employers are looking for very smart individuals who are energized to help navigate this new normal.” So, we should “tout that as a skillset unique to the existing workforce and provide examples to demonstrate how you can apply this approach to add to the success of the company.” This could mean showing off that you know how to change your Zoom background, or explaining how you can stay efficient and motivated in any environment. If you’ve figured out how to manage your time during these insane past few weeks, that is definitely a skill you should want to share with future employers.
Don’t: Forget About Networking
I feel like as far as social media goes, LinkedIn is definitely the awkward middle child. In the midst of a pandemic, it feels even more forgotten. Like, when was the last time you actually thought about logging on? Even though it may be the last thing on your mind, it’s still super important to keep networking. “Continue to use technology to network,” Altimare tells us.“Do not go dark on your LinkedIn and make sure your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter do not only contain videos of you doing a #dontrush challenge.” I guess I’ll keep my challenges to TikTok, since I’m pretty sure nobody is networking on there.
What you put on social media is just as important as ever, so before you go posting all the pictures you’ve had stashed of you chugging alcohol underage, Altimare advises that “It’s super important that you use this time to demonstrate resilience and positivity across your social platforms.” She recognizes that it doesn’t necessarily fit into everyone’s aesthetic. “You don’t have to begin a daily gratitude post,” she says, but “it is important to show you’re using this time to stay focused—are you helping the elderly in your neighborhood? Ask others to join you vs. just posting you delivering meals. Are you organizing a virtual yoga class for your friends? Show that instead of the virtual happy hour on your feed.”
Don’t: Spend All Your $
I’m a huge “add to cart, check total, close window” girl, but quarantine has led to more than a few “treat yourself” moments, which I justify by telling myself I’m saving so much money since I’m not eating or going out. Since we can’t have nice things, apparently this is not the move, according to Altimare. “Start saving your money… in fact, massively start saving,” she says. “You are probably not in the dorms, not going to the movies, not buying your food and not going to any of the activities that you would have had to contribute to for your senior year.” Okay, you didn’t have to rub it in like that, but I see the point. Even more, Altimare says, “if you are really lucky, you’re staying with your parents, so you’re not paying for rent. That is a huge lift to your bottom line—save that money.” I mean, she’s right considering the job market is unstable right now… I just want my tie-dye loungewear.
Altimare warns that if you’re imagining all the ways you’re going to indulge once you can leave your house, you might want to think twice: “when the country begins to re-open, do not spend that money on a trip with your girlfriends.” Altimare suggests “look to creating a nice nest egg—something around 3-months’ worth of expenses—so that when you finally find that job and move out into your own apartment, you have a bit more comfort.”
Do: Start Working From Home
What’s the age where you transform from ‘young professional’ to ‘professional’?
— U Up? (@uuppodcast) April 17, 2020
Altimare’s last piece of advice for new grads is “if you can, try to start working from home.” Everyone has so much time on their hands (especially when school is over and you don’t have a job), so “use your creativity to turn a hobby into a lucrative side-gig while we’re all quarantined.” If you’re looking for ideas, Altimare proposes to “try to get published on a weekly blog, or begin selling your wares via a marketplace.” And then, of course, “save that money!”
The prospect of starting your adult life right now does not sound appealing to anyone. However, if you can make a few proactive and productive decisions during this period, you might be able to save yourself some stress later on when we finally get out of this mess (BTW can someone tell me when that will be?). Hopefully, these tips can help you get a head start on where you want to be and what you can be doing to help your future.
Images: Pang Yuhao / Unsplash
Well, the inevitable has happened. As I write this, upwards of 100 universities and colleges have closed nationwide, including my own school, Tulane University. Due to my lack of ability to process emotions, I will be treating this horrible news the same way our government is handling Covid-19: by totally ignoring it until it is way too late and the situation grows beyond our capacity to control it.
Well, I am here reporting live from Tulane less than 48 hours after our school closed to share a little bit about what’s happening down here.
The Initial Shock
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Over the past week, professors have been preparing for the potential move to online classes. Still, it wasn’t until late afternoon when the school made the announcement. Since we got this news, all hell has broken loose. Seriously, as my roommate said while we were drinking away our stress last night: “this is literally Apocalypse Now.”
My friend and I were walking past a bar near campus on our way to the gym like the #fitbitches we are when the email got sent out, and we heard a collective cheer. As we continued walking across campus, almost every single student we saw was on their phone, probably with their parents freaking out about their non-refundable Cabo spring break flights.
On the way back from the gym, again, because Corona can’t stop the grind, the crowd outside the bar tripled in size.
So, Do We Leave?
We were told that on-campus residents had a week to pack up their stuff and be out of their dorms. While some colleges (*cough* Harvard *cough*) are kicking students off-campus with no consideration of potential unsafe family situations or homelessness, Tulane has offered to find alternative solutions for students who cannot leave school for whatever reason. Note: “I don’t want to be around my family because they’re going to ask me about my job prospects” does not count… but thanks for trying!
For juniors and seniors, most of us are deciding whether we should stay in New Orleans or leave. Even though some people literally couldn’t get out of here fast enough, most of my friends are taking our sweet time and treating this like an extended spring break. Seriously, if I’m going to be stuck somewhere, I’d much rather be in New Orleans than f*cking Ohio.
A large portion of Tulane’s student body is from California and New York and other areas that are impacted by the virus. I am from Cleveland, which has recently started confirming more and more cases, so I’m in no rush to get on a flying germ tube plane.
What About School?
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Obviously, classes are everyone’s biggest concern. Seniors especially are worried about their graduation time being affected by the closure, and most of the people I know share similar worries. However, at most schools, classes are moving to online platforms like Zoom.
I don’t know anything about stocks, and I’m pretty sure the market is doing, like, really badly. Still, I’d def consider buying stock in Zoom because the whole country is about to start using it. Zoom is fine aside from the people who forget to mute themselves and say dumb sh*t into their mics or the frat boys who keep their cameras on and are clearly not wearing pants/drinking a F*CKING CORONA BEER ON CAMERA. Chad in my Stat lab, I’m talking about you.
The issue with this technology that many people are concerned about (aside from the fact that I’m too dumb to figure out time zones) is that not all people have laptops or WIFI at home. While technology is a given on college campuses thanks to libraries and university-wide WIFI, this sadly isn’t universal outside of academic spaces. So once again, students from disadvantaged backgrounds are going to be hit harder by the cancelations.
To cite my roommate one more time: “my mom isn’t really concerned about anything other than me remaining ‘diligent’ about online classes.” Obviously, she will continue being the star student she always is and will never ever even think about skipping a (zoom) class.
Now That People Are ~Starting~ To Calm Down
Of course, it’s tough to be logical and rational in times like these. As we know, because we aren’t totally stupid, the only thing freaking out does is add to hysteria and make literally every situation worse. I’m not saying that my initial reaction wasn’t to be upset because I was, like, just asked to a frat formal and bought a dress. I’m also not not saying that. (LOL: he’s going to read this for sure. What’s up, dude?)
Yeah—it’s a bummer that I won’t get to wear the pink bodycon dress I bought for formal, but my health (and the health of others) is clearly more important than how good I was going to look. Once we got past the initial hysteria/excitement/urge to get drunk, it became clear that this obviously was for the best for the school as a whole.
In the past 24 hours, things have somewhat calmed down, but the energy on campus is mad weird. In all honestly, this is a great way to figure out who loves school. All of the freshmen posting Instagram slides about leaving may be annoying, but it’s kinda cute that they love their friends and school so much.
The sophomores are really struggling. Tulane is a big “go abroad in the fall” school, and many of the sophomores don’t know the next time they’ll see their BFFs, or if they’ll be able to go abroad at all. My heart honestly goes out to all of the 19-year-old girls whose senior boyfriends are breaking up with them now instead of in May. At least they’re saving themselves from aging 10 years while they stress about his shady behavior over spring break.
But the seniors have it the worst. The campus has been filled with girls taking selfies of them crying about their last ever college class, and like, I feel for them! There’s a lot of uncertainty, and they’re losing their senior spring. Thank f*ck that’s not me.
As a junior, I’m pretty much chilling for as long as I can avoid going home.
In all seriousness, I’m so lucky to go to a school that is handling this sh*t relatively well and that I have a home to go back to when things starts getting really bad. Until then, we are trying to stay as safe and blackout as possible. And, as a reminder, I promise, those gross frat houses are waiting for everyone come syllabus week in the fall.
Images: Scott Webb / Instagram; offcampus / Instagram (2)
By the time you get to college, you pretty much have your going-out makeup routine down to a science. However, I think most of us can agree that 8am is not the time to break out a contour palette and smoky eye. When it comes to looking like you aren’t literally the walking dead, less is often more. If you can wake up early enough to do a 12-step routine every morning, more power to you. Or, if you literally couldn’t give less of a f*ck how you look in class or at work, go you.
I, however, am a Libra who craves attention and affirmation from strangers. Thus, I’ve spent the last three years of my college career perfecting an effortlessly “pretty” look so that I can sit in a dark lecture hall every morning. For all of the wisdom I have developed through three years of simultaneously being a hot mess and somehow not looking like sh*t at 8am, keep reading.
In the most advanced scientific terms, serums really are THAT b*tch. The best way to both feel and look alive in the morning is to start with a solid, hydrated canvas. (I’m talking about your face.) Dull, dry skin just does not look as good as hydrated skin, no matter how much makeup you put on it. With better hydrated skin comes easier application for the rest of your makeup—or at the very least, higher confidence as you roll out of bed and run to class/work.
I read a sh*t ton of Sephora reviews and also follow Dr. Shereene Idriss (my Glossier, Allure, and American Board of Dermatology-endorsed queen) on Insta, so I am legally allowed to say this: go out and buy yourself a f*cking vitamin C serum. It has done wonders for me in terms of brightening my skin, helping with texture problems, and recurring acne spots. For the best results that will help give your skin that “dewy and effortless” look, be sure to look for ascorbic acid, the most stable and effective form of vitamin C, according to dermatologists.
Pearlessence Radiance Perfecting Serum
My vitamin C serum of choice is the Pearlessence Radiance Perfecting Serum, because Jonathan Van Ness said to use it. This serum has both vitamin C and hyaluronic acid, another ingredient that aids in plumping and soothing the skin. The Ordinary is also a great place to shop for serums, as they use high-quality, pure ingredients but do not mark up their items as heavily as other companies—meaning most of their serums are around $10.
The thing to keep in mind is that the more you prep your skin for each day with various serums or concentrated ingredients, the more refreshed and hydrated you will both look and feel.
Is this 2018? No. But am I still jade rolling my face? Absolutely. I have terribly puffy under eyes, and this is often what makes you look the most tired after an all-nighter, or what can be a dead giveaway that you spent a few hours crying after an exam. The quickest and most effective way to help your eyes look a bit less puffy is to keep the jade roller in your fridge or freezer, and quickly roll upwards around the eye area and cheeks in the morning. The coolness helps eliminate swelling, and nothing really wakes you up quite like rubbing a cold rock on your face for a few minutes.
Herbivore Jade Facial Roller
This is also a good hack to use on your neck when you get a little sore from studying or staring at a laptop for too long. Do not, however, let Gwyneth Paltrow scam you into spending a ton of money on one of these claiming it is “rose quartz” or whatever.
Tinted Sunscreen (Or Moisturizer)
I know I sound like a mom telling you to put on sunscreen, but if you want to avoid looking like Yzma in 20 years, just f*cking use it! To kill two birds with one stone in the morning, buy a tinted one. Boom! You literally smear it all over your face for 20 seconds and have a slightly more uniform complexion, while also protecting yourself from sun damage.
Elta MD tinted sunscreen SPF 46
My go-to is the Elta MD tinted sunscreen SPF 46 because I read once that Kendall Jenner uses it and it also has a full five stars on Ulta’s website. As you can see, the standards for what I put on my face are really high. My favorite part about this sunscreen is the tint, as adding a light coloration really quickly in the morning can do wonders for making your complexion look a little smoother and glowy. You also don’t have to worry about harsh lines or patchy spots as you rush to put it on. A lighter, more transparent coat of color will not create the caked-on or streaky look that foundation often does if not applied carefully.
When my idiot sister tried to show me this trick, I thought she was legit insane, but now I absolutely swear by it. In the morning, after applying your tinted moisturizer/sunscreen, take a cream blush, and LIGHTLY dab it above the apples of your cheeks and then down and on the tip of your nose. By applying it slightly above the apples of your cheeks, you draw the eyes up, which can provide a nice contrast to the exhausted eye bags almost all college students and people over the age of 23 are cursed with.
Glossier Cloud Paint
The key word here, however, is “lightly.” If you try and recreate this with too much blush you will look like an absolute clown. I recommend using Glossier’s Cloud Paint for this. It is super lightweight, comes in a bunch of beautiful shades, and you only need to use a tiny bit for max effectiveness, making your $18 investment last ages.
Taking five seconds to dab on a bit of highlighter can give you a natural glow. The Wet n’ Wild MegaGlo Highlighting Powder is literally $6, and surprisingly good quality for a product you can find in a drugstore. Put it at the top of the cheekbones, the top of the nose, and a little on the center of your eyelid. Keep in mind that if you aren’t wearing a lot of other makeup, too much highlighter will look crazy. It’ll likely look less like a glow and more like you were snorting glitter. Remember the highlighter craze à la Jeffree Star? The one about blinding the nearest driver with the reflection coming off of the side of your face? Yeah, this is not that.
Wet n’ Wild MegaGlo Highlighting Powder
I live and die by these products. However, you need to research various products to find what works for you. Seriously, I can’t stress this enough. Not every product will work the same on everyone. Regardless, these products should take you less than 10-15 minutes to apply in the morning before class. Hopefully, you’ll feel more confident as you integrate them into your morning routine. Now when you show up 20 minutes late to class with an iced coffee, you’ll look good doing it.
Images: @iyunmai / Unsplash; Wet n’ Wild; Glossier; Dermstore; Amazon; Sephora
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The spring semester is full of exciting experiences, like spring break and the return of #dartyszn. It’s also full of some pretty dreadful things: like listening to someone begin every sentence with, “last semester, when I lived—sorry, studied abroad—in Par-ee…” While it’s definitely great to see all of your friends who were gone the last semester, hearing about how everything is “just sooooo much better abroad” over and over again gets pretty old pretty f*cking fast. Not to worry, I’m here to salvage your relationships with some tips for dealing with your friends who can’t help but use every breath to remind you they studied abroad in the fall.
The “Bilingual” B*tch
People who study abroad looove to act like they’re suddenly fluent in another language after just a couple of months. Even the ones who went to London. Like, sure, I may not have a clue what a crumpet is (it has something to do with tea, right?) but I’m 100% positive it’s in the Oxford English dictionary—emphasis on English, so chill out, Jessica. All you’ve got to do when someone starts slipping Spanish, Italian, or French words into the conversation is tell them that you must have taken the same language course: reading a restaurant menu. More power to you if you’re able to hold an elementary conversation in another language, but let’s be real—the only words most people learn while they’re abroad are the names of the food and drinks from that country.
The Self-Proclaimed Foodie
Look, I get it. Food that isn’t from America is “life-changing.” If I could have freshly baked bread and burrata for literally every meal, I would. But unfortunately, that’s not how it works in college dining halls, where you can only hope that your food is made with some ingredients that could legally be classified as food, and not “eggs” that came from a bag. Next time your friend starts going on and on about how the food here just doesn’t compare, say “listen, I f*cking believe you. But let’s make the most of this mystery meat cardboard pizza, unless you actually have some of that mind-blowing food you keep talking about to eat instead.” As long as you keep throwing their mediocre food account on Insta some likes, they’ll get over any initial hurt feelings.
The Cultured One
Obviously, traveling is a great way to immerse yourself in other cultures. There are a sh*t ton of museums and monuments and to visit, and the fact that you’re in a different part of the world altogether is a learning experience. Get ready to listen to your friends talk about how ~cultured~ they’ve become since living abroad. How they went to different museums every week, and were always trying new foods, and reading new books, and speaking to locals in their native tongue. Ask them if they’ve stepped foot in a museum since getting home, or watched anything more foreign than the British version of The Office, and they’ll be forced to come to terms with the fact that they haven’t really changed as much as they’re putting on.
The One With A Story For Everything
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Apparently, even the smallest thing can remind someone of a never-ending story about their time abroad. You can’t mention traffic, going to the grocery store, or even f*cking breathe without them going, “OMG that reminded me of when I was in Florence…” *cue eye roll.* Be sure to follow up every study abroad story with an equally as uneventful story of your own to show them that doing something as boring as washing your hands does not suddenly become interesting just because it happened in a different country. I physically couldn’t care less about how you accidentally used the wrong tense of a word while ordering breakfast one time. I do that all the time in English, and you don’t see me bragging about it.
The One In A Long-Distance Relationship
Chances are at least one of your friends is going to come back with some ridiculous whirlwind international romance they primarily pursued in an effort to live out their Lizzie McGuire Movie fantasy. Now that they’re back in “the States,” they’ll love regaling anyone within earshot with the details of their love story and the hardship that comes with FaceTiming across time zones. Give me a break. You can probably get them to shut up about it (and hopefully just end the whole thing) by asking if their newfound soulmate has any plans to be in the country in the next 6-12 months. Once they realize they have a better chance of making tuition money by selling feet pics than they do of over seeing Paolo again, they’ll come to their senses.
Honestly, your friends are just excited to share their new experiences with you (and also convince you that they definitely never felt any FOMO while they were gone. No, not even once). Give them a week or two to tell as many stories as they want (even if you’ve heard the same one a million f*cking times), and indulge them by asking questions to help get it out of their system. Then you can start giving them sh*t after a few weeks if they’re still talking about how different the water tasted. They’ll get the point.
Images: Atikh Bana / Unsplash
After a long semester and a seemingly endless exam period, winter break could not come f*cking soon enough. Break is probably the only thing motivating you to just finish your damn paper, so you might find yourself daydreaming mid-study session about all of the great things you’re gonna do with all the free time you’ll suddenly have. But before you get ahead of yourself, let’s take a moment to bring your winter break expectations back to reality.
Actually staying on top of school work
Expectation: After seeing how much you f*cked yourself over during finals by not doing the readings literally all semester, you’re gonna order all your books for next semester and get ahead on the reading. You’re determined to make Dean’s List and vow you won’t put off all your work until the last minute like you did last semester.
Reality: Two weeks into the spring semester and you still haven’t bought your books yet. And probably never will, tbh.
Having a rom-com romance
Expectation: You’ll go ice skating or Christmas tree shopping and have a Hallmark movie-style meet-cute whirlwind romance. You and your new true love will save Christmas/whatever small town you live in by baking cookies or solving a low-grade crime or something.
Reality: You spend every damn day
unsuccessfully resisting the urge to hit up your high school ex.
Getting sh*t done for your future
Expectation: Every day will feel like #motivationmonday and you’ll submit ALL of your summer internship applications before the end of the break.
Reality: You sleep in past noon every day—when the sun sets at like, 4pm, how could you possibly be expected to get anything done in that time frame? It’s also only December. You’ll have pleeeenty of time to get that sh*t done before the summer deadlines. I mean, that’s what syllabus week free time is for, right?
Finally getting fit
Expectation: With all that free time, you’ll hit the gym every day and put all those Lululemon leggings you’ve been wearing exclusively to class to their intended use. You’ll have no excuse without classes and studying to get in the way, so you’ll finally be able to embody the fit b*tch you stalk (but refuse to follow) on Instagram.
Reality: Your slight motivation to work out doesn’t stand a chance with all the holiday baked goods sitting around. Spin class? Sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you over the crunch of this peppermint toffee in my mouth.
Social media activity
Expectation: Your Insta game is going to be ON. POINT. You know all the hacks to make your hometown look aesthetically pleasing. With so many cute Christmas decorations and all your winter outfits, there will be endless opportunities to keep your feed fresh.
Reality: It’s too f*cking cold to dress cute. In a couple of weeks no one will have likes on Instagram anymore, so what’s the point of even trying?
Eating real food at home
Expectation: For weeks you’ve been fantasizing about all the home-cooked meals your parents will make you. You can’t wait for a break from the college dining hall food and the food poisoning that comes with it. They’ll have a whole spread of all your favorites set up for your arrival.
Reality: Your parents barely even cook anymore and all they have in the fridge is a jar of pickles and a bag of unopened wilted spinach. Looks like delivery again.
Meeting up with your hometown friends
Expectation: You’ll hang out with your friends 24/7, just like in high school. Everything will feel like you never even spent time apart and there will be no drama.
Reality: It takes at least a full week, five different “activity” suggestions, and 12 different potential dates and times to plan something. When you all finally decide where to go, half of your friends cancel on you with some bullsh*t excuse at the last second, and the other half only want to meet up so they can convince you to join their pyramid scheme.
Organizing Your Life
Expectation: You’re finally going to check literally everything off your to-do list. Organizing the files on your desktop? Check. Getting a haircut? Check. Admitting to yourself that you can’t afford all the sh*t you have in your shopping carts in all those tabs you have open? Check. By the end of break, you’ll be organization personified.
Reality: Your to-do list will collect dust and accumulate more tasks that won’t get done. Instead of getting your act together, you’re going to watch all those shows you’ve been meaning to watch all semester.
Spending time with your family
Expectation: No matter how much you may hate to admit it, you missed your family like crazy during the semester. You can’t wait to spend quality time with them decorating the tree, watching movies, going shopping for each other’s gifts, and having dinner together.
Reality: You all get on each other’s last nerve within five minutes and spend the rest of your break in separate rooms. You even listen at the door before leaving to avoid interaction. It’s for your own sanity, tbh.
Expectation: You’ll attend a lit af New Year’s Eve party. Everyone will compliment your outfit and your crush will miraculously also be at the party because of the power of ~holiday magic~. You’ll kiss at midnight and live happily ever after (or at least stay together long enough to a steady hookup).
Reality: You’ll ring in the new year watching the ball drop with your family. Your parents will force you to write down some resolutions for 2020 even though you have zero intention of ever changing your ways.
Don’t get me wrong, winter break is the f*cking best. You get to sleep all day, have no real responsibilities, and can pretend for a brief moment that you’ll never have to walk into a lecture hall ever again. But if you want to enjoy it, you’ve got to let go of your expectations that winter break is anything more than hibernation (with Netflix and your parents’ liquor cabinet to keep you company). Honestly, by the time January rolls around, you’ll probably be dying to go back to college, where you’re free from your parents’ curfew and the reaches of your hometown MLM pushers.
Images: Victor Hughes / Unsplash; betches, offcampus (2), squaresayings / Instagram
“I’m not shocked, just disappointed.” – My dad, after I drove my car into the fridge in our garage. Also, me when I realized there were even more types of f*ckboys to write about.
If you recall, a few months ago, I wrote an article about 6 types of f*ckboys you are likely to meet in college. Honestly, we should have known that my initial list was not comprehensive by any means. As dumb as most college-aged guys are, they’re super innovative when it comes to things like making bongs out of random objects and screwing over women. And, like that one scientist said, species must change if they are going to adapt and survive.
First things first, I’m going to refer to the original article a few times throughout this one. Think of this as a higher-level class and the original post like a prereq. If you haven’t read it yet, you might want to go back and read it first.
You’ve dealt with the basic f*ckboys. Now it’s time to educate yourself on the advanced level f*ckboys.
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The Wannabe F*ckboy
Definition: If a classic f*ckboy is the king, the wannabe f*ckboy is like the guy who plays the trumpet every time the king enters a room. He’s a total bro, in the ironic sense of the word, and lives to impress his friends. For reasons that elude understanding, he genuinely wants to be a f*ckboy, but he just doesn’t have it in him.
AKA: “Brad’s Wingman,” “The Funny Friend,” or, “The Less Hot One.”
Where to find them: Hyping Brad up for beer pong and awkwardly standing near his friends…poor guy.
How to spot them: His outfits are either a little dorkier than a typical f*ckboy’s or make him look like he’s dressing up as a douchebag for Halloween. He wears shorts in the winter and loooves his Miami Heat LeBron Jersey, even though he isn’t from Miami, and LeBron plays for the Lakers now.
You know he’s a Wanna-Be F*ckboy if:
-He’s always forced to be the wingman. And I mean always.
-He tells you, mid-hookup, that he’s, “kind of a f*ckboy so you shouldn’t get attached.” As if you were planning on it. Like, okay, Jordan, thanks.
-Despite telling you not to get attached, after you hook up, he becomes super obsessed with you and texts you all the time.
-He tries really hard to be funny because it’s usually the only way he gets attention.
-He introduces himself by his last name or a nickname he came up with that no one else uses.
How to deal with them: Like a classic f*ckboy, you know what you’re getting into with this one. Unlike a classic f*ckboy, you might actually enjoy being around him when he isn’t trying to seem like an asshole. But don’t forget, him making you laugh a few times behind closed doors doesn’t make him any less likely to stop trying to get his friends to think he’s hot sh*t. Usually that means making gross comments about women and actively trying to hook up with other girls in public.
A wannabe f*ckboy will try to justify his behavior with the fact that he’s still messed up from when his eighth-grade girlfriend was in love with a high schooler. Maybe one day he’ll go to therapy and sort out why he feels the need to seek out Brad’s approval, but until then, he’s not worth your time.
The Sugar Daddy In Training
Definition: Kind of like a finance bro, yet somehow dumber. He likes preppy clothes, has good taste in restaurants, is incredibly out of touch for a 21-year-old, and has no problem swiping his daddy’s credit card.
Where to find them: They’re probably in the business school and are likely in a frat (even though they’re too snobby to drink Natty Light). They like to go to bougie restaurants on the weekend as their version of a pregame.
How to spot them: A sugar daddy in training will be wearing dark-wash jeans, an expensive watch, and a name-brand shirt. Bonus points if he has an Off White or Gucci belt! These guys are often overly nice but have a bit of a creepy vibe as a result of their low-key sugar daddy energy.
You’ll know you’re involved with one if:
-You’re not even dating, but he takes you to really nice restaurants and offers to pay for the full meal.
-You say no to plans because you have to study, and he brings up that he’s paying as if that will make your exam not matter. But like… is he wrong?
-He orders absurd drinks at your sh*tty college bar and requests top-shelf alcohol. In reality, he can’t tell the difference between Patron and Jose Cuervo.
-He’ll always pay for your drinks, which is kind of cute. But he acts like it’s his own money (it’s not) and like you owe him something in return. You literally never ever ever ever owe a boy for drinks or anything else!!
How to deal with them: A sugar daddy in training might be fun. They usually have some personality and honestly, as a broke college student, a free meal might be hard to pass up. However, getting involved with these guys can get pretty icky pretty fast. If you do choose to hook up with these guys, more power to you, but the minute he starts treating you like you owe him sh*t or using a date to pressure you into anything, walk tf away.
The One Who Just Broke Up With His Long-Term Girlfriend
Definition: After a two-year relationship, homeboy is single and not-so-ready to mingle. The types to be in these long-term relationships when they’re super young tend to be serial daters. However, the trauma of a breakup (which was probably not his idea) makes him lose all sense of self.
Where to find them: Blacking out EVERYWHERE. At a bar. In a frat house. During a tailgate. On a Tuesday afternoon. It’s like Green Eggs and Ham, but if it were about Natty Light and taking shots.
How to spot them: Well ladies, sad to say, but these guys often dress in civilian clothing, which makes it hard to tell whether or not he’ll ruin your life. He’s going to be acting like a 15-year-old boy who was put in charge of grocery shopping: all impulse control, no rationality.
Here’s how you can tell when a breakup is about to turn a boy into a total douche:
-He hooks up with any girl with a pulse, just because he can.
-He talks about how great “freedom” is. A lot.
-Because he’s a “relationship guy,” he ends up getting into a long-term thing with, like, the fifth girl he hooks up with post-breakup.
-He calls his ex “crazy,” but still talks about her allll the time.
-He likes to remind you he just got out of a long-term relationship and isn’t looking for anything serious. This likely happens right after he asks you to sleep over for the third time that week.
How to deal with them: Repeat after me: you are not his therapist! He’s not looking for his next girlfriend, he’s looking for some form of stability as he attempts to get over his last relationship. I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re probably not the only life raft he’s grabbing on to, if you know what I mean. If you have any expectations from him beyond a rebound hookup, you’re playing yourself.
The One With Super Close (Girl) Friends
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Definition: If a guy is spending all of his time with a girl and claiming they’re “just friends,” it might be true, but he could also be full of sh*t. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, however, more often than not, at least one of them has some not-so-platonic feelings.
To get this out of the way: “Babe, you don’t need to worry about her, seriously she’s just a friend,” is only okay when I say it, k?
Where to find them: At every sorority event as someone else’s date, surrounded by girls at the bar, helping his ‘friend’ do random sh*t throughout the day.
How to spot them: He dresses exactly how every girl wants a guy to dress, and that’s because his girlfriends are there to pick out his outfits. This guy is charismatic and good with girls, but it’s only because he has a whole squad of (gorgeous) girl friends always by his side.
He might be in love with one of his friends, or vice versa, if:
-He gets really jealous when any guy talks to one of his girl friends.
-There’s a weirdly sexual/romantic part about one of his “friends” in every story he tells.
-He has blatantly admitted to hooking up with one of his “good friends” in the past, but now “she’s just a friend.”
-If you do ask about any of the girls, he gets really defensive and kind of gaslights you into thinking you’re crazy for being a little jealous.
-His girl friends are not fans of yours and have made that extremely clear to either him or you.
-His friends are the type of girls who hang out with guys “because there’s less drama.” *Barf.*
How to deal with them: First of all, never give him an ultimatum unless you’re really ready to walk away from him, because 99 times out of 100, he will pick his so-called friend over you. The best way to figure out what the deal between him and his alleged BFF is would be to try (in a way that isn’t overly crazy) to become friendly with her. You’ll be able to tell if either of them gets uncomfortable. If it comes to a point where you are in a real relationship, and he always picks her over you, walk away.
The One Who Glowed Up
Definition: Maybe he lost a ton of weight, got a good haircut, or finally started taking Accutane. But, overnight, the sweet, ugly-ish guy you used to flirt with for notes in Intro to Econ started looking really f*cking good. You and your friend walked past him this semester, and you had to ask if that was actually Adam. It was, and at some point recently, he went through a hugeeee transformation.
Where to find them: These guys typically can be found near a bar, or at a frat party, they’re always seeking out places they can find girls, just to show off their new looks.
How to spot them: Guys who just got hot can occasionally be hard to tell apart from classic f*ckboys. At a darty (or anywhere where it is semi-socially acceptable), they’ll be shirtless. If they aren’t, they’re wearing something that really screams for attention. After all, why work would they work that hard to get hot if girls still won’t give a sh*t about them?
You can tell he is very aware of his new good looks if:
-He goes from being almost like a puppy dog in your presence to acting like he thinks he’s too cool for you.
-He always blows you off for gym sessions.
-If he gets caught flirting (or, worst-case scenario, hooking up) with someone else, he tries to excuse it by blaming his actions on his new self-confidence.
-He’s like a vegan now or on some equally as obnoxious diet to keep up his new look.
How to deal with them: I would say he needs a significant blow to his ego, but it seems just mean to take something away that he worked so hard for. If you can find a way to subtly let him know that he’s not the greatest thing to grace this planet, let me know, because I haven’t really figured out how to do that without being a massive b*tch.
Listen, as someone who has fallen victim to many a f*ckboy in the last 2.5 years, I don’t suggest avoiding them altogether. Not only is it pretty much impossible, but I actually find f*ckboys totally fascinating. You can learn a lot from getting involved with a f*ckboy, that’s what college is about after all, learning. However, to prevent emotional fallout, you must know how to deal with them and put them in their place.
If you have more f*ckboy stories to share (whether or not they relate to these categories), write-in to the @offcampus insta stories or email them to [email protected].
Images: Eliott Reyna / Unsplash; offcampus / Instagram; Giphy