Here’s How Politicians Would Spend Their Quarantines

Hey girl, wanna quarantine & chill? Welp, hope so, because you don’t have much choice. Trump has urged Americans to limit gatherings to 10 people or less. Quarantining ourselves will help keep COVID-19 from spreading, and it’s especially important for young people to take on this responsibility, as we are often carriers who can spread the virus unknowingly to elders or people with other health conditions, who are more likely to experience serious effects from the disease.

While some of us are working from home, and many of us are stuck without work or paid time off (send love and cash to any service workers/independent contractors you can!), most politicians are still out in these streets. I guess they have a duty to fulfill in these dark times…let’s see if they can rise to the occasion.

But since we’re home, we’ve decided to spend some time coming up with how some of our most beloved and most despised politicians would spend their quarantine & chill time. Let the games begin!

Bernie Sanders

Bernie is going to take this time to get set up on the Youtube so he can continue making videos once again asking for us for our financial support. His wife, Jane, will be his videographer, and they will go widely unseen since Bernie doesn’t realize it’s all about the TikTok at this point. He will ignore Hulu’s repeated recommendation that he stream “Hillary.”

Bernie will also, of course, take this time to really lean into his bedhead and socially distance himself from any type of hairbrush or comb. Jane supports him in this journey because their love is pure.

Elizabeth Warren

Liz will be damned if this quarantine stops her from being productive. She’s color-coding her closet, reorganizing the food pantry, doing her friend’s taxes, and making spreadsheets simply for the fun of it.

If she, her husband, and Bailey want to watch a movie? You bet your sweet ass Liz has made a PowerPoint presentation breaking down which options are best and why.

Liz will, of course, continue coming up with bulletproof political plans that will go underappreciated by the American public.

Mike Pence

Things are finally as God intended: Pence is at home with Mother, away from any other nasty woman’s presence.

Here, Mother can provide Pence with the 8 glasses of warm, whole milk he requires per day, while she reads him the Hyde Amendment (the legislative provision barring the use of federal funds to pay for abortion) out loud to soothe him. All is well.

Mitch McConnell

Mitch McConnell will treat social distancing the same way he treats his time on Capitol hill: by ignoring the many bills currently on his desk that could literally save lives. He and his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, will further map their path to corrupt the federal entire government until McConnell is exposed to the virus, after which he will retreat back into his shell to self-quarantine for 14 days.

Joe Biden

Tbh who fucking knows, but I can confidently predict he would go on live TV and say something like, “I spent my quarantine time like I did every Christmas as a kid: riding my tractor down to the graveyard to have chicken fights with Ol’ Man Popsicle Stick, who, have you me, under many things, as they say, would not, on account of, you know, the thing.”

AOC

No amount of social distancing can stop this content queen from setting Twitter ablaze with her hot takes. Anyone with a bad take is getting retweeted WITH comment and dragged to clap back hell.

No internet troll is safe. No conservative commentator can hide. She’s coming for you.

Susan Collins

Hopefully sitting in a corner and thinking about what she’s done. And then regretting it.

That’s all I’ll say on that.

Brett Kavanaugh

Speaking of Susan Collins…

You just KNOW Brett is the guy who is going out to crowded bars and getting blackout, even after we’ve been told to socially distance ourselves.

Nothing can stop him from going out with his boys Tobin, Squi, and P.J.!!! Time to chug some beers and FSU because this is AMERICA and no one can tell him no (and if they do it will not compute).

RBG

A GoFundMe has been put together to provide RBG with a glass box, a la the one Joe locks his victims in in You, but obviously less creepy and fully equipped with everything Ruth needs for her daily workouts.

Food and water will be brought to RBG by a person in a hazmat suit, who will deliver it through a small opening in the box. Again, much like Joe from You, but with the intent to keep this woman tf alive, not to kill her. She is routinely let out so she can be measured for the top-secret, Bloomberg-funded RBG clone that we are definitely not making.

Cory Booker

Cory Booker gets to spend his quarantine time the way we all wish we could spend ours: with Rosario Dawson. The two are finally together without the distractions of his busy political life and her busy celebrity/being a perfect person life.

With this extra free time, Cory will of course continue to pursue his passion of tweeting out bad jokes about coffee. Fuck it, he might just turn it into a passion project and make a coffee table book full of lame coffee jokes. The perfect present for all of our dads.

Maxine Waters

Maxine Walters will be reclaiming her time, tyvm.

Donald Trump

Social distancing as president is what Trump had always thought this job would be like. He’s locking himself in his room, ordering all the McDonald’s fish fillets in the greater D.C. area, stockpiling Diet Coke, and watching Fox News.

Melania is pretending to have COVID-19 as an excuse to not be near him.

At long last, peace, quiet, and a lack of total responsibility. America is finally great again.

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Images: Giphy (5)

Will ‘Growing’ Change Your Mind About Amy Schumer?

If you’re on this website, you likely have a well-formed opinion on Amy Schumer. Over the past five years, Schumer has swung wildly in the court of public opinion. We loved Trainwreck—then we remembered some of her early jokes about Hispanics. We love how real she is on Instagram—but find her Twitter presence problematic. We love Amy Schumer the feminist, but as a white feminist, we’re still eager to see her overcome past blind spots.

Schumer’s new comedy special, Growing, doesn’t quite feature a woman reborn, or cleansed of past imperfections. But it does, aptly, feature a Schumer who’s well on her way to growing up. The Schumer in this special—now both married and heavily pregnant—retains a lot of her classic irreverent attitude toward sex, drinking, and bodily functions. But whether it’s due to past criticisms or personal growth, that attitude is underpinned with a genuine desire to do these topics justice. (Well, maybe not the drinking so much.) Obviously, the best way to decide how you feel about Schumer is to go watch the damn thing (or at least, like, turn it on and scroll through Instagram while it plays in the background). But short of that, here’s a highlight reel of sensitive subjects Schumer covers in Growing—and notably, what she chooses not to touch.

On Race

If the lesson we wanted Amy Schumer to learn was to stop making jokes based on racist stereotypes, and also to make her brand of feminism a hair more inclusive, I’d say she succeeded. The first mention of race in this special is an off-hand comment about women asking for tampons “leaning in as though they’re about to say something racist.” She follows with the punchline: “and whatever race you thought I meant, that’s your problem.” To me, this seems like a perfect level of engagement with race for Schumer: it acknowledges that racism is alive and well (likely, within her audience), mocks the specific physicality that accompanies racist remarks made in social settings, and stops just short of actually sharing the content of a racist comment or stereotype on stage. I will happily call that progress.

The second comment on race comes in citing sexual assault statistics for women. She notes that one in three women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, then adds that for women of color and trans women, that statistic looks even worse. Yes, it’s a footnote on a joke, not a full-throated roar on the importance of intersectional feminism. But the fact that it’s included tells me Schumer is listening, and learning—and even if she’s not, I’m just glad it was included.

Also, loving the continued activism on her page:

View this post on Instagram

All hands on deck.

A post shared by @ amyschumer on

On Politics

Among the criticisms I listed earlier, Schumer also got in slight trouble back in 2016 for making jokes about Trump. Apparently, a group of fans left her show in Tampa after she dared to call POTUS a “monster.” (I mean…where is the lie?) Obviously, this is not an aspect to Schumer that I take issue with—and in fact, I was curious to see if she’d go in even harder. While she mostly leaves politics out of it, the comments she did make affirmed that she is still, to use the technical term, hella liberal. Here were a few of my favorite comments.

On Colin Kaepernick: “I think there are only two reasons you should get down on one knee, if you’re a guy. If you’re a player in the NFL, and to eat my pussy.”

On Brett Kavanaugh:* “People criticized me . They were like, ‘that was irresponsible, you’re pregnant.’ And I was like, ‘well that’s why I went down there’, you know? I want to be able to tell this kid I did everything I could, you know? And D.C., I heard, has the best cocaine.” 

*ICYMI, Amy Schumer and Emily Ratajkowski went to D.C. to oppose Brett Kavanaugh’s appointment to the Supreme Court and both were arrested.

On #MeToo: “I don’t know what I’m having. I hope it’s a girl. But really just because it’s such a scary time for men.”

Also, this:

View this post on Instagram

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY! New clip from my @netflix special coming out March 19th #GROWING #internationalwomensday @netflixisajoke

A post shared by @ amyschumer on

On Her Husband

This may seem odd to include on a list of “touchy” topics, given that, unlike race or politics, Schumer’s never been in hot water for her choice of husband. But my favorite moment of the special—and the one that, for me, marked the most personal growth for Schumer—comes about 20 minutes in, on the subject of her husband, Chris Fischer. “I knew from the beginning that my husband’s brain was a little different from mine,” she begins. “And about—” she stops, and shakes her head. “I have to start this over,” she continues, “because I really want to get this right. Because I love him very much.”

Her husband, she reveals, has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Schumer talks about their courtship, sharing early moments when she recognized his mind worked differently, before he’d received the diagnosis. These were not, in any way, moments that created doubt for her, or somehow lessened his ability to be a good partner. In fact, she says the same characteristics that “make it clear that he’s on the spectrum” were the ones that made her fall “madly in love” with him.

Personally, I love the fact that she explicitly discusses his diagnosis, and love even more that she doesn’t shy away from describing that he is, in fact, different. And that that difference is precisely why she loves him. The moment where she pauses, and starts over, felt to me like seeing personal growth happen in real time. She had a moment where she recognized she was entering a sensitive topic, that this topic concerned a group of people she was not herself a part of but very much wanted to show the appropriate respect to, and that, in order to discuss it at all, she would have to do it exactly right. If Schumer applies this same care to all of her comedy going forward, I think she’ll fare better with her critics, and frankly, make more inspiring comedy.

As an hour-long comedy experience, I loved Growing: I laughed a lot, gagged only a little (pregnancy is real sh*t, people!), and came out feeling a personal connection to Schumer that I hadn’t before. As a referendum on Schumer’s character, I’ll say this. If you’ve been disappointed by Schumer’s missteps, and wanted to see evidence that she’s becoming more self-aware in her comedy, you’ll find it in Growing. If you wanted an apology tour and a public renunciation of her entire comedy career, not so much. Beyond the content I highlight above, she talks about her difficult pregnancy, the joys of new period technology, and why she’s glad she waited to get married. It’s honest, a little gross, and felt like the comedy of someone halfway between where I am now and where I’d like to be in 10 years. In other words, someone growing, if not quite grown up.

Images: Instagram (2); Giphy

This New Mail Service Could Totally Change Abortion Access In The U.S.

There are a lot of things you can do by mail. You can pay your bills, you can vote, and now you can even get an abortion. That’s right mail-order-brides, step aside because there’s a new in demand, and possibly illegal (depending on your state and/or where Brett Kavanaugh is at in his hangover) service coming to the U.S. We’re talking about mail order abortions and yes, this is legit a thing.

But before you ask, “Are Americans seriously so lazy that they can’t even go out to get abortions now?” take a pause. In reality, getting an abortion in the U.S.  can be very difficult, despite it being legal. Many states make it virtually impossible for a woman to terminate her pregnancy, and with Justice Fratbro joining the Supreme Court who knows how long Roe v. Wade will hold up. That’s part of the reason that Rebecca Gomperts, a Dutch physician and women’s rights activist, launched a mail based abortion service six months ago in the U.S. The service is known as “Aid Access” in the U.S and “Women on Web” internationally, where Gomperts has been offering the ability to get at home abortion drugs to women in countries that are two seconds from Handmaid’s Tale oppressed healthcare systems.

WTF Is An At Home Abortion?

So first of all, you don’t have to figure out how to perform surgery on yourself to do this. Think of it as Plan C, a pill that can be used up to 10 weeks into the pregnancy. You receive the pills (mifepristone and misoprostol) in the mail, which you can take at home and will result in the termination of your pregnancy. These are the same drugs that doctors use and are approved by the FDA, however in most states they are not approved for personal use. Those are typically the same states that make you jump through hoops to get an abortion in the first place, so definitely double check your state’s specific rules before hitting “pay now” at checkout.

Is This Safe?

Great q. Based on one study where women self reported the results of taking the pills at home, it seems to have very few negative side effects. Gomperts also does an online consultation with the women beforehand to assess if they fit very specific criteria that ensure it is safe. Then she fills the prescription through a trusted pharmacist in India. The biggest risk that many women face for using this service is being arrested for self-managed abortion, which, like I said before kind of a big no no in many states. In many cases the women who have been arrested for at home abortions have been turned in by someone else (it be ya own besties), so if you are considering this make sure you only tell your tight lipped friends or ones that will bail you out of jail. Also maybe take a quick vacay to a state where this is legal just to be safe?

This service will most definitely face opposition from the lovely men (and some women – Susan Collins what’s good?) in Congress who love to dictate what women can and cannot do with their bodies. (Though, of course, no one can ever tell a man what he can or cannot do with his gun.) The FDA is also currently investigating Aid Access “to assess potential violations of U.S. law,” so there’s a chance the service could be shut down by having its FDA approval revoked. For now, it’s one very good option for women who are in need and cannot get an abortion from a doctor because of the barriers put in place in their state. The pills cost $95 total and Aid Access says it will help women who can not afford the price still get the care they need.

In the end, it is up to the individual if they would like to go through with this, but if America’s healthcare system is messed up enough that women are actually ordering abortion pills by mail from India, it’s safe to say there are larger problems at work here.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Someone Turned Brett Kavanaugh’s Name Into A Site For Assault Survivors

Brett Kavanuagh has just begun his unlimited time in the Supreme Court (vom) and a lot of people feel v worried about what this means for the United States. One positive that came from the Judge of Beer Pong and his crayon calendars is that the topic of sexual assault is not going anywhere. And now thanks to www.BrettKavanaugh.com, that’s even easier.

The geniuses at Fix The Courts (an organization that wants to – surprise, surprise – fix the Supreme Court) realized that good ‘ol Justice FlipCup had not bought the rights to his own domain name (rookie mistake, Brett) and now brettkavanaugh.com is a site dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual assault. Praise be to whomever did this, because yes! The site opens up to a powerful image of the Supreme Court steps and “We Believe Survivors,” written in large AF font. The site also links directly to three different organizations that help survivors and aim to end sexual assault. Judge Boozy may have gotten through this time, but if survivors continue to speak out and we keep the conversation going then we can prevent future Bretts and Chads from getting away with unacceptable behavior.

If you’re still v pissed that this A-hole is sitting next to Ruth Bader Ginsburg then make sure that your voice is heard and check out our partnership with Crush The Midterms so you can make sure you’re registered and ready to f*ck sh*t up for Democracy on November 6th.

Check out our Betches Sup Podcast episode with Crush The Midterms founder Marisa Kabas to find out more about how you can get involved and support causes you believe in this November.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Try Not To Rage Blackout At This Clip Of Trump Mocking Christine Blasey Ford

On Tuesday, at one of our President’s ego-boosting conventions, or “rallies,” Trump decided to pile-on to his pattern of bullying by mocking Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. Ford, whose sexual assault allegation against Supreme Court Justice Nominee, Brett O-Kave-another-beer, O’Kavanuagh, has bravely escalated the ongoing, polarizing debate about consent in Washington and our country. Trump, who been accused of sexual assault himself and has never left high school mentally, decided Ford hasn’t already gone through enough and could use a few more jabs.

Like a five-year-old’s sock puppet show, Trump impersonated Ford for a crowd of thousands of his innocent people under a spell by the Hocus Pocus witches, I mean, sorry, his loyal supporters. “Thirty-six years ago this happened. I had one beer, right? I had one beer!” he said, continuing on to invalidate Ford for not remembering more details of her attack. I knew the President hated SNL, but maybe if he did watch more he could get better at his impressions. 

Alec Baldwin Snl GIF by Saturday Night Live

Trump continued on, switching to his own voice, “And a man’s life is in tatters.  A man’s life is shattered. His wife is shattered.” I do feel bad for his wife too, but at least now she has time to GTFO! She isn’t shattered, she’s free from being shackled to a frat factory for the rest of her life. Referencing what one could only assume are victims of sexual assault who have come forward and the #MeToo movement, Trump said, “They destroy people. They want to destroy people. These are really evil people.”

Taylor Swift GIF

Trump clearly doesn’t understand that a woman’s life (Ford’s) has been privately “in tatters” for years due to the trauma caused by Barf O’Kavanaugh’s attempt to rip her bathing suit off at fifteen years old while she was pinned to a bed and her screams were muffled by his hand. Further, she doesn’t need to be mocked by an unfunny, garbage impression of her at a narcissism buffets, because she was already mocked through laughter and humilation by her assaulter, Blacked Out O’Kava-Naw, Thanks and his friend, Mark Bad-Judge-ment, while she was feeling most vulnerable.

If you want to torture yourself with the immaturity and astounding lack of human empathy, perspective, and critical thinking skills that our president proudly boasts, watch it here:

Trump, you seem a little stressed. Maybe you could ask your bff You-Brett-I-Did-It O’Kavanaugh for a nice cold beer while you continue to discredit women’s voices, actions, and value in America.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Here’s What Politicians Are Saying About Brett Kavanaugh

Yesterday, the entire nation was treated to a five hour patriarchy play starring Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh. While Blasey Ford took a tearful, reluctant, demure approach to her testimony. Brett Kavanaugh decided to go full 80s high school villain (appropriate) and adopted an angry, combative tone. On Friday, the Senate Judiciary Committee voted 11-10 to advance the nomination of Brett “I LOVE BEER” Kavanaugh.

Here’s what key politicians are saying about Kavanaugh’s nomination after hearing Thursday’s testimony.

Sen. Jeff Flake

 

JUST IN: Sen. Jeff Flake: “I will vote to confirm Judge Kavanaugh.” https://t.co/AMrTSO5iHL pic.twitter.com/9kSwXqp8wp

— ABC News (@ABC) September 28, 2018

Senator Jeff Flake was on the fence about Kavanaugh’s nomination after the hearing yesterday, but his announcement today that he will support Kavanaugh’s nomination guarantees he makes it out of committee and to the full Senate for a vote. Here’s a video of protesters confronting him shortly after his nomination:

FULL EXCHANGE between JEFF FLAKE and KAVANAUGH protesters ahead of Senate Judiciary Committee meeting. pic.twitter.com/RGLIQSQexy

— JM Rieger (@RiegerReport) September 28, 2018

UPDATE: In a stunning display of giving a f*ck, Jeff Flake voted to move Kavanaugh out of committee, but said stood with Democrats in calling for a one week delay to allow the FBI to investigate all the allegations against Kavanaugh, indicating that he would not feel comfortable voting yes without one. Whaddya know? Yelling at people in elevators works.

Jeff Flake’s statement apparently securing agreement for FBI probe. pic.twitter.com/ibMVuHB4sC

— Josh Marshall (@joshtpm) September 28, 2018

Sen. Dianne Feinstein

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee and the person Dr. Ford brought her allegation to originally, believes Ford, will not confirm Kavanaugh, and is calling for a delay to the hearing so that the FBI may investigate. She also wanted to subpoena Mark Judge, the witness in the room during the alleged assault, but the Republicans defeated a motion to do so today because of course they did.

Sen. Chuck Grassley

#KavanaughHearings: Some Democratic senators leave the room as Senate Judiciary Committee chairman Chuck Grassley makes statement in support of Brett Kavanaugh

Follow live updates: https://t.co/nJMyjVFsph pic.twitter.com/EqUIgFz3Oe

— BBC News (World) (@BBCWorld) September 28, 2018

Sen. Chuck Grassley is old enough to remember the invention of sexual harassment the head of the Senate Judiciary Committee. He intends to move Kavanaugh out of committee and will vote to confirm him. He tweeted this the day before the hearing, which is not in a language I personally understand but maybe you can decode it:

Sen. Lindsey Graham

Senator Lindsey Graham fully lost his mind at approximately 4:46pm EST on September 27th, 2018. He also is being credited with single-handedly saving Kavanaugh’s nomination so thank you Senator Graham. South Carolina, please come collect your man:

Sens. Collins, Murkowski, and Manchin

Democrat Joe Manchin and Republicans Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski are all undecided, but expected to vote as a block. I guess this is a Sisterhood of the Traveling Votes situation.

Governors Hogan, Baker, and Kasich

 

3 Republican Governors decided to be human f*cking beings yesterday and are all calling for the vote to be delayed so there can be further investigation.

Sens. Heitkamp And Tester

Heitkamp and Tester, two Democrats, are also considered on the fence about Kavanaugh. I’m gonna leave this right here…

Donald F*cking Trump

I mean, are we surprised?

Angry? Same.

If you want to stop the Kavanaugh nomination, there is still time. The number for the Capitol switchboard is: (202) 224-3121. And if he is confirmed, make your opinion known at the ballot box. Click here to get registered and/or check your registration with Rock The Vote.

Remember: don’t call your ex, call your Senator.

Listen to The Betches Sup Podcast‘s episode on Kavanaugh below:

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Six Takeaways From Christine Blasey Ford’s Incredible Testimony So Far

This morning. Dr Christine Blasey Ford testified in front of a bunch of dusty marionettes aka Senators and bravely told in painful detail her assault by Brett Kavanaugh. It was nothing short of exceptional and if I could Venmo her a million love and hugs, I’d do so.

The testimony is not yet over, but so far here are some of the main takeaways from this morning.

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford Is Smart

Like, she could be a mathlete smart. She’s not only testifying but dropping sentences like “Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter, the uproarious laughter between the two, and they’re having fun at my expense.” Blasey Ford is a professor of psychology at Palo Alto University and honestly they need to give her tenure if they haven’t already because she is a brainiac.

She Isn’t “Misremembering” Anything

When asked how positive she was that her assailant was Kavanaugh and not “a look a like” she said “100%”. Damn.

The Republicans Hired A Woman To Do Their Dirty Work

Republicans deferred their questioning to Rachel Mitchell, a sex-crimes prosecutor, so her cross examination keeps being interrupted every five minutes for Dems to ask their questions and also constantly by Chuck Grassley having his first on camera panic attack. It’s like a completely disorganized AMA.

Blasey Ford Was A Normal Teen Girl

This is just a fun little fact. Every day over the summer Blasey Ford practiced her diving and I think that that is relatable and lovely!

The GOP Should Be Scared

Chris Wallace just called the whole testimony a “disaster for the GOP,” live on Fox News. Good.

Blasey Ford Is A Patriot

She alerted her representatives upon seeing that Kavanaugh was just on the short list of Supreme Court nominees. She acted immediately knowing it was the right thing to do for her country. So anyone trying to say she is being opportunist if a conniving asshole. Blasey Ford is an American hero.

You can watch her full opening statement here. Have tissues ready.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Michael Avenatti Reveals Third Kavanaugh Accuser, Here’s What We Know

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And where there’s allegations of attempted rape against a guy named Brett, there are allegations of actual rape against Brett and his boys, just waiting to be uncovered. Today Michael Avenatti (the legal Robin to Ronan Farrow’s #MeToo Batman) revealed the name of a third woman who alleges sexual misconduct by Brett Kavanaugh in high school, and her allegations are serious as f*ck. (Okay, so all allegations of sexual abuse are serious as f*ck, but these are really really bad.) The alleged victim’s name is Julie Swetnick, and she’s a former government employee with tea to spill. Oh, and this tea comes with a major trigger warning because it’s 2018 and literally everything is triggering for assault survivors rn.

In a statement released by Avenatti today, Swetnick says that she personally witnessed Kavanaugh and his BRFF (Best Rape Friend Forever) Mark Judge get their female classmates “inebriated and disoriented so they culd then be ‘gang raped’ in a side room or bedroom by a ‘train’ of numerous boys.” And now, we’ll take a brief pause to let it sink in how fully f*cked up that is.

Michael Avenatti just released a declaration from his client, containing explosive allegations about Brett Kavanaugh and Mark Judge. pic.twitter.com/dYwB2YqbqL

— Renato Mariotti (@renato_mariotti) September 26, 2018

In the statement, Swetnick says that she herself was a victim of one of these “gang rapes,” which is corroborated by the fact that Mark Judge’s ex-girlfriend, Elizabeth Rasor, told The New Yorker that Judge had once told her “ashamedly” about an incident where Judge and his friends took turns having sex with an unconscious woman.

So now we have three woman, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, Deborah Ramirez, and Julie Swetnick, with allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, and at least one man, Mark Judge, who could serve as an alleged witness. Even still, the White House is still stanning for Kavanaugh and the Senate is refusing to subpoena Judge, call other witnesses to testify, or allow the FBI to investigate.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!