Cancel culture is by far the best thing to come out of the last decade. Sure, in some cases it can be hurtful and uncalled for, but so is polishing off an entire box of wine over the course of 72 hours. What’s your point? I, for one, am living for cancel culture, and not just because it speaks to the blackest, pettiest parts of my heart (though that is certainly a plus). There’s something to be said for holding people accountable for their actions, for holding a mirror up to all of their wrongs and saying “you know why, YOU KNOW WHY.” And in the past decade, no one has been called out more for their bullsh*t than powerful men, especially in Hollywood. Canceling sexy, powerful men (aside from being a sexual fetish of mine) feels like a long time coming and a necessary part of moving forward as a society. My vote has always been to isolate the men in an underground bunker and only let them out for breeding purposes or until they’ve learned to behave themselves, but my therapist calls this plan “troubling” and “something to discuss in our next session.” For now, I suppose, I’ll just have to settle for tarnishing their reputations and banishing their names and negative energy from the mainstream media. Sighs.

So, as we approach a new year and a new decade, let’s take a look at all of the men we need to cancel forever and finally leave behind (to hopefully eat sh*t and die):

James Franco

Talk about a 10 year challenge. No one has aged less well than James Franco. I’m not gonna lie, but back in the day I was a huge fan of Franco’s, and that had everything to do with his role as tortured (but sexy) knight in the romantic drama Tristian & Isolde. But little did I know that while I was swooning over hot beach sex and painful British accents, our boy James was out here allegedly manipulating and sexually exploiting the struggling, young actresses of LA. This is why we can’t have nice things, James!! 

Back in 2018, and in the wake of #MeToo, several women from James’ acting school, Studio 4, came forward and alleged that this highly esteemed “school” was actually just an elaborate ploy to take advantage of young women. Furthermore, the $300 highly sought after “classes” taught at his “school” allegedly involved women disrobing in front of James and his pals. Hmm. This feels less like honing one’s craft and more like a page out of Harvey Weinstein’s playbook, but okay. Recently, two of the five women who came forward filed a lawsuit against James and I’m really hoping they take him for everything he’s worth. I always say, there’s no better way to start a new year than by watching a man be financially ruined. Cheers!

Nate Parker

I was today years old when I found out that Nate Parker, actor and former man of my dreams, is actually a flaming piece of sh*t. For those of you who don’t know, Nate Parker rose to fame after his role in The Great Debaters and, more recently, The Birth of a Nation. But I know him from Beyond the Lights, an OSCAR WORTHY movie, about hip-hop artist Noni who doesn’t want to be anyone’s music video hoe, she just wants to get back to making real music, and the sexy but sensitive cop who helps her find herself. So, as I’m sitting here WEEPING at the scene where Nate Parker whispers “I see you” to Noni, I find out that in real life Nate Parker has a very dark and troubling past that involves allegedly sexually assaulting a woman in college. 

While attending Penn State in the late 1990s, Parker and his wrestling buddy were accused, and actually tried in a court of law, of raping a female student. Parker was found not guilty while his pal was found guilty, only to have his conviction overturned. With all the hype surrounding Parker’s new movie, The Birth of a Nation, the case has come back into the spotlight with renewed interest, and the information surrounding the case is… troubling to say the least. The victim alleged that she was too drunk to consent to sex, and that after she accused Parker and his friend of rape, she was harassed on campus by Parker and his friends so much so that she “feared for her life.” I’m not going to get into the full story here, but if you’d like to read more about the case (and you absolutely should) then this Vulture article is a great read. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go quietly weep for Noni and her monster of a prince charming.

Brad Pitt

First of all, I’d just like to say that I was never a fan of Brad’s. Not only do I think his acting is subpar (I said what I said!), but it goes against every bone of my deeply feminist body to support a philanderer like him. I have to save that kind of compassion and forgiveness for my own romantic relationships with cheating assholes, obviously. That said, he is good-looking, and in the last 10 years he has done nothing but further sully his own reputation so, congratulations Brad, you made my hit list. Bravo. 

I think by now we all remember the infamous plane incident of 2016 that resulted in Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting a divorce after nearly 12 years together and Brad being investigated by the FBI for child abuse. But just in case you need a refresher, in 2016 Brad allegedly got into a drunken fight with Angelina (he was drunk; she was not) on the family’s private plane on the way home from France. An anonymous person then reported Brad to Los Angeles DCFS and claimed that Brad “attacked” their 15-year-old son Maddox during said fight. Apparently, Maddox jumped into the fight to verbally defend his mom when Brad “lunged at the boy.” Brad has vehemently denied hitting his son, though he does admit to being drunk and yelling at people. Since the incident, Brad has undergone a stint in rehab while Angelina has pushed for full custody of their kids in the divorce. Yikes. And to think I thought his low as a human being was when he copied his girlfriend Gwyneth’s haircut that one time, but it’s good to know I can still be proven wrong. 

Ed Westwick

Chuck Bass is the reason I, a grown-ass woman in her late 20s, still consistently match with 23-year-olds in polo shirts on Hinge. So, it shocked me to find out that the man who plays a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women was allegedly, in real life, a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women. What is that saying about art imitating life? In 2018, actress Katrina Cohen came forward on Facebook and alleged that Westwick had raped her in 2015. In the Facebook post she says that the reason she didn’t come forward until after #MeToo was because she was persuaded into believing she was somehow complicit in her attack and that making accusations against the actor would kill her own career. No charges were ever filed due to “insufficient evidence” but the accusation itself is upsetting and troubling and reason enough for all of us to stop incorporating a whispered “I’m Chuck Bass” into foreplay (or is that just me?). Hey, Ed? You can go Chuck yourself now, mmkay?

Chris Soules

Remember when the Bachelor was actually America’s most eligible man and not just a flaming piece of garbage masquerading as a very attractive human man? No? Me either. Chris Soules was the Bachelor back in 2014 but his most recent claim to fame is that he accidentally ran someone over—and killed him!—as a result of drinking and driving. Wow, do we think Becca Tilley is feeling blessed that she never received that final rose, or what? Chris, always the gentleman, took responsibility for his actions by evading charges at all costs. At one point his lawyers even claimed that the law he violated (leaving the scene of a hit and run) was actually unconstitutional because it, like, got him in trouble. Look, this is a thing I say when my barista f*cks up my order and puts three pumps instead of two pumps into my peppermint mocha, and in that instance, is totally valid. When it’s not valid? Manslaughter. Here’s hoping that in the new year he’s properly banished back to the Iowa cornfield from whence he crawled out of. 

Sadly, I’m sure there are many more Hollywood hotties who could have made this list, but truthfully I’m afraid if I include any more I’ll slip into another rage blackout and accidentally burn this entire world to the ground. Anyway, can’t wait to see what the new decade brings! Hopefully it’s a continuance of believing women and holding men accountable for their disgusting, damaging, and just, like, really illegal behavior. Cheers to the new year!!

Images: Shutterstock.com (5)

October used to remind everyone that there are other climates aside from violently hot, but we are already two days in and it is 88 motherf*cking degrees outside. Not to worry, though, Global Warming is totally some really elaborate and well-executed prank by China, everyone! Anyway, hopefully October will stop feeling like the inside of an oven sometime soon, because Netflix just added a plethora of amazing new content and I want to be able to binge without feeling guilty about never going outside. When it’s hot out, I feel like I should be tanning at the beach, swimming in a lake or drinking on a rooftop. You know, just enjoying the great outdoors. When it starts getting chilly, as it is supposed to do in October, I am pretty content laying in bed with some SkinnyPop and a solid queue on deck. If this sounds like a great way to spend every night of the week, keep reading for our top new Netflix picks for October.

‘Charlie’s Angels’

Because I always arrive exceedingly early to movies, I was able to see the trailer for the new Charlie’s Angels starring the most random cast ever Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott and Ella Balinska, and I have to admit, I’m not impressed. Am I wrong for being loyal to the OG girl gang? Even though the jokes were corny af and the special effects were the definition of amateur hour, Charlie’s Angels was and will always a masterpiece that should have stayed in the early 2000s. If you need reminding, the original and Full Throttle will both be gracing Netflix in October, so do yourself a favor and give it a watch. 

‘Ocean’s 13’

I’m getting aggressive nostalgia vibes with Netflix’s new lineup, because Ocean’s 13 is finally here. Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt? I wasn’t old enough to appreciate these smokeshows when the movie came out in 2007 because I was too busy obsessing over Jesse McCartney, but now, as a 26-year-old woman with taste, I am all for this trio in Hollywood’s most epic fictional heist. If you were also too young to understand the plot when it premiered during the simpler time that was 2007, watch it now because it’s the kind of amazing that only these three foxes could serve. It’s also the third and final movie in the Ocean’s trilogy, so even though it marks the end of an era, there’s always the female reboot of Ocean’s 8, which came out last year. Obv not as good because it’s not the same without Clooney, but I’m all for a cast of badass bosses making Anne Hathaway look like a f*cking idiot.

‘Peaky Blinders’ Series 5

On a very long train ride, I stumbled upon the show’s Instagram account and, I have to say, Cillian Murphy looked damn good. So I spent the remainder of the train ride  watching the entire first season, and I’m not mad about it. The British show follows the exploits of the crime-ridden Shelby family in a post-World War I England. The family is actually based on a real gang who called themselves, you guessed it, Peaky Blinders, which has got to be the cutest gang name I’ve ever heard. The show is really good and feels like a cross between Downton Abbey and The Sopranos. If that didn’t pique your interest, I don’t know what to say to you. 

‘Schitt’s Creek’ Season 5

I am very behind on this show, so I wish I could be as pumped about the fifth season as some of my coworkers are. Even with my limited exposure (I’m on season 2), I can tell it’s amazing. It’s the kind of show you can quote endlessly. I put this on when I need to chase a scary movie with some witty banter, or when I’m painting my nails and want some background noise. Also, if you’ve ever seen Best In Show, the couple who owned the terrier is in Schitt’s Creek! They’re also essentially playing the same characters minus the dog, so, there’s that. Highly recommend this show if you need a laugh or are in the mood for something made in 2019 that isn’t a sh*tty remake. 

‘Blow’

The only word to describe Penelope Cruz in Blow is “goals.” Like Peaky Blinders, Blow is based on a real gang and a real event, but that’s about the only thing these two productions have in common. Blow, as the name indicates, zeroes in on American cocaine smuggler George Jung, and his time spent doing business with the Medellin cartel. As you can imagine, things didn’t go well for our boy George (played by Johnny Depp). Penelope’s character ends up marrying George, but the two do not live happily ever after. For those mad about spoilers, you’ve had 18 years to watch it, so sorry, I’m not sorry. This movie reminds me of a more romantic Sicario, so do with that observation as you will. 

‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’

Not to be that person, but the book is significantly better than the movie. The Time Traveler’s Wife is f*cking sad, so if you’re in the mood to drown in a pool of your own tears, put this sobfest on. I feel like the title says it all, but if you’re unfamiliar with the plot, here it is in one sentence. Regina George meets her future husband when she is a child and he is a full-grown adult, but their marriage problems are a little worse than most because he travels through time unexpectedly. Even though it sounds painfully cheesy, it’s actually great and Rachel McAdams’ performance is reminiscent of a slightly older Allie Hamilton, but with her sh*t together. 

‘Haunted’ Season 2

Truth be told, I do not watch this show because I have the fear management of an infant, but if you’re into scary sh*t, you’ll like this show. Netflix says, “This reality series, which comes from the producers of The Purge and Lore, provides viewers with a chilling glimpse into first-person accounts of supernatural events.” Yep, I will not be watching this since I couldn’t even make it through the preview of The Purge. 

‘No Reservations’

I saw this movie by myself in a theater because the girl I was supposed to see it with got into her first fight with her boyfriend as we were standing in line to purchase our tickets. Unfortunate circumstances aside, I still loved this movie because Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart have some seriously steamy chemistry. The movie is a classic rom-com with a tiny sprinkle of untimely death, so you will laugh and you will cry. Head chef at a swanky New York restaurant, Catherine Zeta-Jones is your typical no bullsh*t perfectionist whose world gets turned upside down when her sister dies and her niece becomes Catherine’s responsibility. Great movie that I highly recommend for a night in with Pinot. 

‘Shine On with Reese’ Season 1

Horrible name, but our favorite mini human Reese Witherspoon gave into the public’s demand and started her own talk show! She only interviews women, which I am definitely down for, and she does a fantastic job. Her guests are also super varied, so get ready to hear from people like country music icon Dolly Parton and Spanx founder Sara Blakely and everyone in between. Why didn’t she start doing this decades ago? I would have definitely watched an early 2000s Reese interview America’s fiercest female leaders. 

‘Living with Yourself’

The only allure of this show is the fact that Paul Rudd is in it. It hasn’t come out yet, but the trailer looks a little suspicious to me. According to Wikipedia, LWY “follows the story of a man who, after undergoing a mysterious treatment that promises him the allure of a better life, later discovers that he has been replaced by a doppelgänger.” I mean, minus the doppelgänger part, this sounds exactly like the plot of Deadpool. Tell me I’m wrong. 

A few goodies saying goodbye in October include,  Julie & Julia, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Pineapple Express and The Carrie Diaries: Seasons 1-2, which honestly doesn’t sound like a huge loss to me. we’ll be busy enough with the new shows and movies to cry over Pineapple Express leaving.

Images: Thibault Penin / Unsplash; Giphy (10)

It’s been 14 years since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt separated due to “irreconcilable differences” (whatever TF that means), and I am still feeling the pain. But the rumor mill has continued to turn ever since that day. While talk has been around since September that they were canoodling and so were their exes, Angelina Jolie and Justin Theroux, new evidence has been found that further verifies their relationship. While it does not directly confirm the theory that the legendary late ’90s, early 2000s couple is back together, it definitely doesn’t deny it. We’ve come a long way from the “I Hate Rachel Green” club and honestly, I am here for it. So if you want to know the facts, specifically what Pitt had to say about it, read on so you can be the most up to date on the Jennifer Aniston-Brad Pitt relationship status.

The History

Back in 1998, Aniston and Pitt went on their first date. How did the two meet? They were set up by their agents. If you can think of anything more Hollywood, please let me know. They tried to keep their relationship quiet, but that obvs didn’t work so well. A year later, in September of 1999, the couple made their first public appearance at the Emmy Awards. Two months later, the couple announced their engagement. In July, the couple got hitched in a Malibu ceremony.

In May of 2004, the plot thickened when Pitt starred in Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Angelina Jolie. In January of 2005, Pitt and Aniston call it quits. Since then, the two both re-married and got divorced, Pitt to Jolie, and Aniston to Theroux.

The Rumors

Ever since Aniston announced her split from Theroux, people have been questioning whether it had anything to do with Pitt’s separation. Especially since she admitted to keeping notes from Pitt during her marriage to Theroux just days after announcing her separation. While the two relationships ~seem~ mutually exclusive, no one really knows in Hollywood. There’s a TON of double-dipping, if you know what I mean. But a year after ending her marriage, Aniston celebrated her 50^th birthday with a star-studded party. And guess who was one of the A-listers spotted? Brad Pitt.

The Newest Rumor

But wait, there’s more. A brave paparazzi asked Pitt what we’ve all been dying to know. I would have asked him myself but I lost his number. Ugh. But anyway, when the actor was walking to his car in L.A. on Friday, this brave soul asked, “I gotta ask you, everyone wants to know, are you and Jen getting back?”

Pitt casually laughed off the question and said, “Oh, my God.” I mean, that isn’t a no, right?

Jen’s Side

During an interview with Bazaar published on Monday, Aniston was asked if she was dating. Well, they actually asked if she was on OkCupid, a rather strange choice of framing a question but whatevs. Regardless, she quickly denied it. “Am I on OkCupid? No. I have zero time, to be honest. My focus has been on the show, so dating has not been one of my first priorities. I feel like whatever looks like, it will present itself, and it’s not about seeking it out, you know?” said Aniston.

Since they are both single, there’s no time like the present to rekindle their love. Let me know in the comments if you ship Paniston (or Anitt …?).

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

Want to feel old? Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 50th birthday this weekend. Want to feel even older? Enough time has apparently passed that she and ex-husband Brad Pitt are cool enough for him to attend the party. I guess there’s no better way to say “I’m still getting over my second divorce” than by bringing the f*ckboy from your first divorce back into your life.

So obviously, the question on everyone’s minds is are Brad and Jen getting back together? The answer is a resounding “maybe”. According to some of Aniston’s F.R.I.E.N.D.S. who attended the party, Brad was there but the two didn’t really interact. Though Pitt did reportedly have a “great time” and spent most of the night hanging out with George Clooney and Orlando Bloom. Sidenote: how do I get invited to a party with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Orlando Bloom?

Since their divorce in 2005, Brad and Jen have reportedly remained in touch, and are reportedly friendly with one another, despite the whole him dumping her for Angelina Jolie thing. (And here I am unable to forgive my high school boyfriend for getting the wrong prom corsage.) But rumors that the two have rekindled their iconic romance have been swirling ever since Jen’s recent split from Justin Theroux in early 2018. While a source told ET at the time that the two were “absolutely not” dating, everyone’s favorite purveyor of juicy-yet-not-officially-confirmed celebrity gossip, Enty Lawyer, has some other insight to offer.

The back of Brad Pitt’s head spotted at Jennifer Aniston’s 50th and what does it all mean? https://t.co/qgbNhNeyUm pic.twitter.com/0kwLkqlCmJ

— SimpleNews.co.uk (@Simplenewsuk) February 10, 2019

If you don’t read Crazy Days And Nights, you need to. An abridged explanation is that Enty, the man behind the site (not his real name), publishes what are called “blind items” in which he spills celebrity gossip that hasn’t officially been confirmed yet. Only, he doesn’t name names, which is how he manages to do this without getting in trouble with the celebrities he writes about. Basically each blind item is like a fun riddle that you can piece together using the clues in the items. It’s hard to explain, so just go read it, and then say goodbye to your life.

So, Crazy Days and Nights published a blind item months ago alluding to the fact that Brad would make “a return to Jen’s life,” and not just for the purposes of friendship. Enty revealed to us that being seen together would be a good PR move for both Brad and Jen, considering Brad’s rep has suffered considerably since his messy divorce from Jolie, and Jen needed to take some heat off her “awful relationship” with Theroux. Brad was also apparently “not the only ex at the party,” though Theroux was not in attendance. If that’s true, then is Jen’s birthday party basically the real-life version of when I text all my exes at 3am to see who will respond the fastest to give me attention?

So is Brad being at Jen’s birthday party a sign these two will do a reboot of their relationship? I guess we’ll have to wait and see if Brad changes his hairstyle to match Jen’s find out.

The birthday party of a one year old made a way bigger splash than Jennifer Aniston’s 50th WHERE HER EX BRAD PITT MADE AN APPEARANCE so yea we really are in the sunken place

— samifish (@samifish1) February 10, 2019

Follow Enty Lawyer on Instagram for more celebrity gossip.

Images: Giphy (2)

You read that correctly. The Hollywood rumor wheel has struck again, this time at the hands of the classic trio Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Since Jen separated from Justin Theroux earlier this year, reports have circled that Brad and Jen may be rekindling their long-lost (and publicly adored) love. If this is true, then the “I Hate Rachel Green Jennifer Aniston Club” is no more. But the juiciest part of this whole rumor? Justin Theroux and Angelina Jolie may be the newest Hollywood couple. The history of these two couples is more complex than keeping up with Kylie Jenner’s hair color, so here is a handy timeline.

The Divorce Timeline

March 2005: The world was devastated to learn that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston had decided to divorce, and Brad immediately gets together with Angelina Jolie. Ever since, whenever Brad and Angie are in the tabloids, they seem to drag Jen into the story as well. (This article is no exception.)

August 23, 2014: Although they’ve been together for 10 years prior, Brad and Angelina officially tie the knot. The couple refused to marry until gay marriage was legalized. Hats off to ya.

August 5, 2015: Jen and Justin started dating in 2012 and privately got married in 2015 at a ceremony “disguised as a party for family and friends to celebrate Justin’s birthday in a bid to keep people from discovering they were tying the knot.” Sneaky.

September 2016: Brangelina file for divorce.

February 11, 2017: Jen reportedly received a birthday message from her ex-lover (aka Brad slid into Jen’s DMs). TBH this wasn’t that sketchy until reports arose that Brad didn’t actually have her phone number. Instead, he had to go through a whole list of people in order to get it. That seems like a lot of effort for just an innocent birthday message. Brad, if you just want to f*ck, then just say it.

March 1, 2017: Us Weekly reported that the exes have been texting, but said that “Justin is OK with them being friends.” Aww poor Justin, so naive. If only someone told him that texting your ex is a red flag.

August 2017: Brangelina’s divorce is put on hold. A US Weekly source said, “Everyone thinks they are going to get back together … It wouldn’t be surprising if they announced that they’re calling it off and trying to work things out.”

February 15, 2018: Jennifer and Justin separate, releasing a statement that said: “This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year.”

September 2018: Almost two years after initially filing for divorce, it has yet to be finalized. Angelina’s attorney submitted papers to the court stating that she wants a judgment “returning the parties to single status during calendar year 2018.” Does anyone else find it a weird coincidence that Brad and Angie’s divorce is re-introduced just a few months after Jen and Justin’s? Hmmm.

Marriage Rumours

Although many sources discredited the rumors about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being back together and possibly remarried *gasp,* I believe all Hollywood tabloid stories have some element of truth that reveals itself eventually. In Touch published a story saying the couple married on their 18th anniversary this past summer. But since Brangelina are technically still married, this couldn’t possibly be true. But I’m at least hoping these rumors have some sort of truth to them.

We Are Psychics

I’m not going to say Betches predicted the future but… Betches predicted the future. On March 1, 2017,  the Head Pro wrote an article shortly before Brangelina’s divorce was put on hold in August of 2017. The article stated that Brad and Jen are “basically back together.” Although the rumors of the two rekindling their early 2000s romance and possibly re-marriage didn’t circulate until almost a year later, the Head Pro was ahead of the rest of us. Maybe fortune telling is a better career option for him? Real talk, though, the only people who know how long Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have been “seeing each other” is Jen and Brad. So when (not if) you guys want to go public with your old new relationship, call me so we can be the first to report (or email us at [email protected]). Again. Thanks.

Angelina’s Revenge

Now for the cherry on the sundae. While Brad and Jen are enjoying their relationship, Angelina reportedly got in contact with Justin. She set up a date with Jen’s ex while Angelina was in New York and the two really hit it off, as reported by New Idea on September 14. Idk how reliable this source is, though, since I’ve never heard of New Idea. Or maybe we are just ahead of the celebrity news game like last time. Believe what you want.

Images: Giphy (4)
Are you like, super into conspiracy theories? What about cults? True crime? Then you’re in luck. On October 1, we’re launching a new podcast that will talk about all of those things. It’s called Not Another True Crime Podcast. Follow us on Instagram at @natcpod and Twitter at @natcpod for more info. 

While most of the world is still recovering from the tragic news of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris’ breakup, we, the hard-hitting journalists of the world, have different celebrity couples to move on to. Namely, Brad and Angelina, and why they might not be calling it quits after all.

Are you okay? Did you faint? Yes, you read that correctly. Brangelina, power couple of the century, adopters of seven million children, human rights pioneers, might be giving it another shot. Let’s discuss.

It’s been 11 months since Angelina first confirmed the divorce was happening, when she said that it was “for the health of the family.” The world momentarily stopped turning and we definitely shed a tear or 100, but now there are new developments. According to reports, they haven’t moved forward on the divorce in several months, and it seems unlikely that they will anytime soon.

Sources say that Brad got sober to try and win Angie back, which sounds like no fun but also, like, good for him. Angie supposedly read about his changes in his GQ story in May and had a change of heart. What, he couldn’t just text her that he was sober or slide into her DMs like a normal person? Whatever. In the story, Brad repeatedly uses “boozing” as a verb, which makes us slightly uncomfortable in the way that our dads saying “lit” makes us uncomfortable, but it’s the thought that counts.

Also, last month in an interview for Vanity Fair, Angie said that the divorce has been the “hardest time, and we’re just kind of coming up for air.” What does all this mean?? Why are all these developments happening through magazine interviews? Sorry to all you girls who are still Team Jen Aniston, but it looks like Angie and Brad might be back together. Thank god. Just when I was starting to think love is a construct invented by the film industry and we’re all sitting in a rock hurtling through space *puts down blunt*. Now I can die happy, as long as this doesn’t mean a Mr. & Mrs. Smith sequel.

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at [email protected].

Justin Theroux—actor, director and screenwriter. Soon to be added to that resumé? Cuck—and not in the way alt-right Twitter eggs use it to criticize people they don’t like. I mean in the actual sense of “someone is about to be sleeping with his wife. That’s because, according to the ironclad US Weekly, former dreamboat William Bradley “Brad” Pitt has reportedly started texting his first ex-wife and eternal childless sad person, Jennifer Aniston.

We all know how this goes. It’s a matter of when, not if.

US Weekly‘s source, perhaps out of deference to Justin, paints this as an issue of emotional support. Brad “has confided in Jen,” reveals the source. Apparently, Brad is having a hard time with his divorce from Angelina, because his divorce from Jen was just a walk in the park I guess, and he and Jen “exchanged a few texts reminiscing about the past.”

Christ, how many times have you—me, us—done this after a breakup? When someone stops touching your (lady)boner, the first place you turn is the last person who willingly touched your (lady)boner. When he’s “reminiscing about the past,” he’s not talking about the weeks they spent kayaking in Fiji. He’s talking about the time he ate her out in the bathroom at TGI Friday’s.

Besides, Brad is acting WAY too thirsty for someone who just needs a shoulder to cry on. He reached out to her with a birthday text, but he didn’t even have her number—he obtained it through a “tangled web of contacts,” which is anonymous source speak for “he slid into her DMs on Instagram.” Below, our visualization of said sliding:

Have you ever had a guy slide into your DMs and not try to fuck you? I thought not.

Soon-to-be-cucked Justin Theroux is admirably (laughably? pitifully?) taking this on the chin with all the false wokeness a man can muster.

“Justin is OK with them being friends,” notes the insider. Besides, the source adds, he knows “Jen just wants to be nice.”

Ha. Hahahahaha. Bro, your wife’s ex isn’t her prom date or the guy she lost her virginity to. It’s Brad Fucking Pitt. Like, this dude shit all over your wife in the absolute most public way possible. If, even after all these years, her response to his texts is anything other than “go fuck yourself,” or the above “eat a dick,” she’s clearly just as thirsty as he is.

RIP, Justin Theroux’s pride.

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at [email protected].