One of the things I love most about Gossip Girl is the slew of random characters whose sole purpose is to keep the plot interesting by shaking things up for our favorite four Upper East Siders and two annoying Brooklynites who endlessly complain about their unfortunate financial lot in life from their gigantic loft in one of New York’s most expensive neighborhoods. I digress. Anyway, as with any television show, each season introduces a few new characters, some of whom are truly perfect temporary additions to the cast, like
Fleur Delacour Eva Coupeau, and others are less than perfect, like most of the writers’ choices.
I’m a loyal GG lover, so I typically hold back when it comes to some of the laughable wardrobe choices, but as I rewatch this scripted trash for the ninth time, I can’t bite my tongue about the most egregious part of this show: the randos. Without further ado, I give you the worst and/or most annoying random characters who we all love to hate. Enjoy.
For those of you who forgot who she is, allow me to remind you. She’s the sister of the boarding school teacher-turned-convicted-felon with whom Serena allegedly had an affair when she was 15 and he was…older than 15. Mhmm, makes sense. Anyway, if I had to pick the worst thing about Juliet, it would have to be the way she dresses. Literally, all of her outfits are different yet heinous versions of the same business-professional dress with a cropped blazer over it. Like???? When I was in college, I literally wore jeans and sweaters every goddamn day.
Aside from her sartorial errors. her character is also incredibly creepy. I’m pretty sure the most disturbing exchange in this entire series is one that took place between Juliet and her brother during a prison visit when she says, “Keep your focus on not getting raped or killed” to which he responds, “It’s a minimum security prison” and she counters with, “And you’re hot” and then they seductively hold hands across the table and exchange minxy smiles. I think it’s totally okay to say he’s handsome or attractive because, criminal or not, he is both of those things, but hot? That’s your BROTHER. Why don’t you go take a cold shower, sis! Also, her whole purpose on this show is to, like, physically injure Serena and get her expelled from college, which is pretty shameful. Even Georgina would disapprove of this.
Damien has a lot of unfortunate qualities that earned him a spot on this list, but the one thing I truly couldn’t stand was how condescending he was to Jenny while they were dating. When they were about to have sex, she was really nervous because she was a virgin and he was like, “I get it. I’m older than you and when I date someone, sex is a a big part of the relationship. You’re a young, innocent girl, so I get that you’re nervous.” He was in Serena’s class at boarding school, which would make him no more than two years older than Jenny, so I’m confused as to why he’s talking to her like a World War II veteran who’s seen more than she ever will.
Acting like a cultured citizen of the world was like, his whole persona, which I just found incredibly annoying because he was literally 18 at the time, so no one’s buying it, sweetie.
This is another character whose circumstances really confused me. My knowledge of British monarchy is based solely on The Crown, so forgive me if I’m wrong, but if Catherine were a “lady,” that would mean she’s married to a duke, which we’ve been told she is. So if that’s the case, why would they be summering in the Hamptons and living in a townhouse in Manhattan the rest of the time? Don’t they have royal duties in England to carry out? Don’t forget, this was pre-Meghan Markle.
The second, and slightly bigger, issue with this lady is that she has a title of nobility and yet she’s paying an underage American kid to bang her against her dryer every few days. Two felonies for the price of one! How did this affair even work? Would she text him on her burner cell and be like, “Hey, when you’re done with algebra, can you come over?” Let us not forget, she was also f*cking her stepson. Safe to say, this woman needs therapy.
I know she’s not technically considered random since she’s in every season, but she’s not part of the main six, so to me, she’s a random. Sorry (not really) to all of the Vanessa die-hards, but she plainly sucks. She’s one of those people who feels way too comfortable around people she just met and, maybe it’s just me because I still don’t feel comfortable around people I’ve known my whole life, but that’s not a likable quality. Second, I didn’t like how she was always at private events for schools she didn’t attend! Like, she was at literally every dance, party, and study session of the Constance girls and then at the Columbia alumni events. Seriously, she doesn’t even go here!
Okay, to set the record straight, I hated the fake Charlie Rhodes (Ivy Dickens), but lived for the real Lola Rhodes. I know this isn’t a character flaw, but there was something about her voice that made it really hard to get on board with anything she was talking about, and her pretending to have a mental illness to explain her behavior wasn’t cool.
I know she was an actress being paid by the real Lola Rhodes’ mom to pretend to be her (happens all the time), but couldn’t Ivy have just, like, gotten another acting job that didn’t involve fraud? I can’t imagine being so desperate for a job that I’d hear Carol’s pitch and think it was a good idea.
Sorry, but Tripp and his waspy-ass name was a giant p*ssy. Like, literally everything about him was so pathetic and sad—especially when he crashed his car and put Serena in the driver’s seat to make it seem like it was her fault. Why do all of these people in positions of power take no more than two seconds to consider whether or not they want to commit a crime? I take more time deciding between two identical pale pink nail polishes than Tripp did to pin a car crash on his mistress. I also feel like Nate’s fancy politico cousin should have been 10 times hotter than Tripp, who looks like he calls his mom four times a day. I definitely wouldn’t have voted for him.
Hands down Serena’s least likable boy toy. His skinny scarves and confusing haircut were enough for me to decide he sucks, but then he opened his mouth and…it didn’t help his cause. Like Damien with Jenny, Aaron acts like Serena is just a young and stupid child who doesn’t understand the complexities of adulthood, which is hilarious to me because Blake Lively was 22 playing a 17-year-old, but whatever. Anyway, even if that is the case, you are fully aware that she’s in high school, so stop acting like her being young is a flaw you have to get past! He should be more concerned with the statutory rape he’s committing.
Also, his whole “I date multiple women at once” thing is just gross. I understand that you can’t expect monogamy after knowing each other for approximately five minutes, but Aaron, you don’t need to constantly remind her that you’re f*cking 10 other women at the moment. All in all, he was not hot enough to act that smug and condescending, and I was truly elated when Serena told
us Dan that she left in him in Argentina.
And there you have it, the worst random characters in Gossip Girl! Did I leave any out? Let me know who you hated the most in the comments! Until next time, Upper East Siders. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Images: Giphy (8)
Remember that scene in the Sex and the City movie when Carrie asks Jennifer Hudson why she moved to New York and she dead-ass said, “to fall in love”? Yeah…lol. Look, I moved here two years ago (for a job) and I’ve learned that in order to fall in love, you have to go on a first date. I miss college, a place where I could meet my boyfriend at a fraternity party while fully blacked out and not have to worry about it. Needless to say, we met, made out, ate leftover Chipotle in my dorm room and then dated for two years. Those were the f*cking days. Post-grad dating in New York is nothing like that, for a number of reasons (like the epidemic of guys who will ghost you after meeting your family but then watch all your Insta stories), but also because you will have to slog through lots of first dates.
So all of this made me think about why I hate first dates so much and I landed on the following: meeting up with a person, whether you have previously met or not, at a loud bar at 8pm on a Tuesday sucks. It just does. Unless you work until 8pm, in which case, I’m so sorry, no sound-minded person wants to put on makeup and a cute outfit and sip cocktails at the time you’re usually clicking “watch next episode” on Netflix. So then I thought: why don’t we just not do the whole “let’s get drinks” thing for a first date, and let me just say, I’ve never been happier. So if you’re interested in something other than screaming over each other over $14 cocktails, read on for NYC date options that are not at a bar.
1. Brooklyn Farmacy & Soda Fountain
Ok, I know this sounds aggressive, but maybe not! I’m a messy, disgusting eater, so I figure the guy who may end up dating me would probably like to find out if he can stand the sight of me deep-throating a cheeseburger sooner rather than later. I’m just looking out. Anyway, this Cobble Hill spot is too f*cking cute to pass up. Seriously, I am made of ice and even I loved it, but more importantly, Blake Lively loves it. Okay, so if you are unclear as to what this place actually is, allow me to enlighten you. Brooklyn Farmacy & Soda Fountain is an old-school diner in an authentic pharmacy circa the 1920s. According to the website, the exterior was ugly af, so the current owners redid it so that it matched the adorable interiors, which haven’t been touched (except for necessary changes, like electric and plumbing) since the pharmacy opened. This place serves classics like banana splits, corndogs, etc.
Since no one reading this was on the dating scene back in the days when the youths actually went on dates to places like this, you won’t be able to appreciate it from a nostalgic perspective, but you will be able to obsess over it from an aesthetic perspective. If you’re going to go here, don’t pretend you’re too cool to be there and order something stupid. Live it the f*ck up and get a root beer float with two straws and chase it with a big-ass order of fries. If there is no second date after going here, he ain’t worth sh*t. Next!
2. Kick Axe
I don’t know about y’all, but I love a good pun. You know what else I love? Winding up and hurling a three-pound axe across a room. Just fun girly things! Full disclosure, if you don’t have a sense of humor, this place isn’t for you. Unlike bowling (ew) or shooting (gag), no one is actually good at throwing an axe. But that’s why it’s so fun. This place is also really cool because, unlike your childhood bowling alley, there is an aesthetic here. If you’ve ever been to one of those wineries in Redhook, it kind of looks like that, except there’s a giant area blocked off for guests to catapult axes through the air with the greatest of ease. Book a reservation and eat/drink first and throw axes after. And if the date goes poorly, you already have a weapon in hand! (Kidding. Am I? …Yeah okay.)
3. Comedy Cellar
This is my favorite place in the world, which is saying a lot considering I’ve been to the Amsterdam Cheese Museum twice. Seriously, if I could get married at Comedy Cellar, I would. *Googles if Comedy Cellar does weddings* Look, this is truly a perfect place to go on a first date because you’ll know immediately if he/she has a sense of humor or is the type of asshole who heckles comedians. These are the only qualities you need to know about a person! You’ll also find out if he/she can hang pretty quickly because if you’re going to Comedy Cellar in a group of two, you will most likely be seated in the front row, which is essentially on the stage and there’s nothing better than Amy Schumer asking how you and your date met. You will get called out and if your date can roll with it, he/she’s a keeper! Comedy Cellar, or any comedy club for that matter, is also amazing because you don’t really have to talk. In fact, don’t talk! The comedians will yell at you and that’s embarrassing. I know what you’re thinking: but if we don’t talk, how will we get to know one another? Look, you don’t learn anything of substance on a first date, okay? You learn what kind of food they don’t like, how many siblings they have and, if you’re lucky, how over their ex they are. So Comedy Cellar is a good and realistic alternative to the classic, “what’s your favorite color?” kind of questions on a “let’s get drinks” first date. There’s also a bar next door where you can get drinks after, so chill.
4. The Belfry
Most bars have a trivia night and, in my opinion, you will find out everything you need to know about a person based on how they perform at trivia.The Belfry is a cool of-the-moment bar, but on Tuesdays, they have a flamin’ hot game of trivia! Of course, they have delicious discounted specials that change every week, so if you like cheap bar food that’s usually expensive while you realize you know absolutely nothing about World War I, the Belfry is for you. If you’re wondering why this place is different/better than other bars who do trivia, I’ll tell you. Those other places are horrifying sports bars that have inexplicably sticky floors and toilet paper everywhere. Like your college bar, only worse because you’re not in college anymore. The Belfry is actually a really cool bar and somewhere you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be if you ran into someone you know there any other night of the week. It’s chic, it’s delicious, and it’s actually pretty expensive, but 100% worth it.
5. Escape The Room
I’d have to say that I lost my innocence after seeing Brie Larson slay in Room. This movie freaked me out so much that I am truly shocked people are willing to pay money to get locked in a room with other people, relying on clues to get themselves out. However, I did an escape room once and it was f*cking fun. There were moments when I thought, “Yep, this is how I’m going to die,” but there were also moments when I realized that maybe I wouldn’t be the first to go if the Hunger Games were real! Escape rooms are a great first date because if you’re smart (hello), you get to show off how clever you are, which is such a turn-on, right? If you are both dumb and can’t figure out how to escape, they will let you out, and you can laugh about it after. After that, you can celebrate not dying with a drink or seven! And if your date sucks, you can take the escape room literally and run away after.
Images: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash; escapetheroomusa, belfrynyc, comedycellarusa, kickaxethrowing, brooklynfarmacy / Instagram
I’ve been doing a lot of articles lately on Photoshop and how celebrities and influencers use it. But photo editing isn’t the only way we get these superhuman photos that create the standard for what is attractive in our society. In addition to personal chefs, trainers, makeup artists, and professional photographers, celebrities also alter their appearances with plastic surgery. Between botox, fillers, new noses, bodies, chins, etc., it’s easy to forget what these people actually used to look like. In case you need a reminder, being attractive in this day and age has more to do with how rich you are than your genes. Also, I think these people mostly look like they’ve had work done, especially in person. We need more celebs who are fine with their original face. Here are some that you’ve forgotten used to look really different:
Blake Lively has always been a babe, it’s just a fact. But it’s easy to forget that her casual, natural beauty look has definitely been enhanced with Hollywood’s best knives. She clearly had a nose job and some fillers in those lips, maybe her cheeks too? I don’t think any of it was needed, but whatever makes you feel better, I guess. She now seems blissfully happy and is married to Ryan Reynolds, so what do I know? Also, Blake: good call on growing out those eyebrows, at least.
Like Blake, Megan is an actual youth in the above photo, so we have to give credit that her face thinned out and she put down the black eyeliner as she got older (thank God). That said, your nose actually gets larger as you age (fun fact!), not smaller. Megan admitted to being insecure and having too much work done. But like, if your own face isn’t good enough for one of the most beautiful women in the world, what hope do the rest of us have? I think she’s gotten all kinds of injections and filler and sh*t in her cheeks, brows, and lips for sure, and definitely a nose job. What is with Hollywood wanting everyone to have the same nose?
The Hadid Sisters
The Hadid sisters are scarily beautiful and on every runway right now, but they used to look really different—especially Bella. They were like nice girls you don’t know super well but still invited to your 7th grade sleepover because your mom told you not to leave anyone out. Now, both girls look like they had their noses done, lips injected, and it looks like their skin is just really pulled back? Is that from Botox? IDK, it’s just a lot. They’ve graduated from natural beauties to cyborgs in the following pics. Guys, you’re super young, maybe just like, lay off a little?
Seriously guys, who is this person? I see Ariana’s face so often, and this is not it. Who even remembered that she used to have curly hair? Ariana’s face looks completely different now, and not just from maturing. Her face looks fuller (fillers?), her eyes are different (not buying that it’s just the ponytail, thankunext), her lips are way bigger, and she has a teensy little nose. Why are the noses getting smaller and smaller the more I progress through this article? Soon it’ll be trendy to just remove your nose entirely and draw a little dot where it should be. (Please, nobody do that, it was just a joke.)
Hopefully this shows you that stars, they’re just like us: they look like really f*cking normal people until they start messing with their faces. I didn’t even include body pics in this. They are all superhuman and it’s crazy that they even Photoshop their pics on top of it. None of it is real, and they’re all full of lies and deceit. Trust no one!
Images: Getty Images; Shutterstock
Heads up, ladies, it’s Anna Wintour’s favorite time of the year! Set to take place on Monday, May 6th, the highly-anticipated 2019 Met Gala is fast approaching. This year’s theme is Camp: Notes on Fashion. We’re predicting over-exaggerated styles and over-the-top accessories. Hopefully, Pharell leaves his hat at home.
The Met Gala was established over 50 years ago, so needless to say there have been countless incredible fashion moments since then. Let’s take a walk down memory lane before we see the insane costumes from this year’s event and promptly forget all about the old ones. Read on as we review some of the most iconic Met Gala outfits and explore the designers behind the ~lewks~.
Rihanna and Guo Pei in 2015
Before Rihanna stepped onto the Met Gala red carpet wearing that iconic yellow
omelet cape, Chinese designer Guo Pei had been creating couture for more than 30 years. In fact, this exact masterpiece had been designed for a 2012 show in China and it had been at in Guo’s studio until it was snapped up by Rihanna for the big event.
Weighing about 55lbs with a 16ft train, this look wasn’t an easy one to pull off—literally. In fact, when it was first presented in China, the model made it only halfway down the catwalk before the show had to be paused so she could remove the garment and head backstage. At least it probably counted as her cardio for the week?
Fitting for the China: Through The Looking Glass theme, the fur-trimmed cape featured over 50,000 hours’ worth of hand embroidery and took two whole years to make. Let me repeat. Two. Whole. Years. Describing her inspiration behind the design, Pei said, “When I had this design in mind, I a woman that can carry weight on her arms. It’s a dress she has to lift, like she can lift the whole world. I always have a woman like that in mind.” Sooooo… Rihanna? Rihanna.
Blake Lively and Atelier Versace in 2018
Blake Lively’s dress was so long that she literally had to take a party bus to the 2018 ball. First stop senior prom, next stop Met Gala? Inspired by royalty and the renaissance to match the Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination theme, Lively and her gown captivated audiences. Her long train was carefully embroidered, and her jeweled corset reportedly took 600 hours to create. I did the math, and you could watch all seven seasons of Game of Thrones 12 times in the time it took to make this corset. The look was complete with sheer panels on either side of her legs and a custom halo that featured 100 carats of champagne diamonds.
In case you didn’t know that Blake Lively is better than you, this piece was custom made for her by Atelier Versace. In case you didn’t know that Blake Lively is better than you part two, she wore $2 million worth of Lorraine Schwartz jewelry to complement her look—this included the custom headpiece, bangles, earrings, and her Lorraine Schwartz engagement ring. Schwartz’s pieces are often worn by celebrities on the red carpet, and her jewels have been spotted on people like Beyoncé, Kim Kardashian, and Angelina Jolie. Very casual, no big deal or anything.
Kim Kardashian and Balmain in 2016
Manus X Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology was the theme for the 2016 Met Gala, and Kim Kardashian didn’t disappoint. Kim and Kanye rolled up to the red carpet in coordinating Balmain—Kim in a futuristic silver dress and Kanye sporting a silver jacket, icy blue contact lenses, and ripped jeans. The Balmain pieces were beautiful, but tbh I feel like the boldest fashion move might have been wearing jeans to the Met Gala.
Kim’s garment was created by Olivier Rousteing, a French designer who became the youngest Creative Director of Balmain in 2011 at age 25. Since his takeover, he’s brought a fresh eye (and some insane cheekbones) to the luxury brand.
As anyone who’s seen KUWTK might expect, this look wasn’t the only outfit that was considered. Speaking about the evening before the Gala, Kim said, “When I landed in New York at midnight, I immediately went to see Olivier for a 1am fitting, and we literally cut skirts in half, created tops from dresses, and stayed up until 4am to get the perfect option that we felt fit the theme.” Who knew Kim K was such a DIY queen? I would say that’s relatable, but I can barely turn a regular T-shirt into a crop top without f*cking up. Other potential looks included a gown with jeweled shoulders and sleeves and another that was embellished with pearls and a giant gem in the center of the bodice. In total, Kim received four custom-made dresses from Rousteing before the event.
Rihanna and Comme des Garçons in 2017
Rihanna is the queen of the Met Gala. This is a fact, and anyone who disagrees can fight me. The theme of the 2017 ball was Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons, and in true Rihanna fashion (ha), the singer stepped out onto the red carpet in an attention-grabbing piece. She wore a textured garment that was cut from jacquard florals which made her dress three-dimensional. The piece was designed with an asymmetric hemline and cut-outs, and was first featured in the Comme des Garçons Fall 2016 collection.
It reportedly took Rihanna an hour to get into the strappy Dsquared2 red heels she wore to the gala, and I can’t even imagine how long it took to get them off. Her hair was styled into a top bun, and her makeup complemented the pink shades of the dress with rosy eyeshadow and blush that blended together. On anyone else, that makeup would’ve looked like a 5-year-old discovered their mom’s blush and went to town, but it worked on her.
The 2017 gala was quite the tribute to Rei Kawakubo, who rarely agrees to shows or interviews. Goals, pretty much. She established Commes des Garçons in Tokyo in 1973 and has developed the brand into what it is today—an inventive and stand-out establishment.
Stay tuned for a recap of all the iconic looks we’ll see this year! Until then, feel free to look at pictures of old Met Galas and feel poor.
Images: Karwai Tang/Getty Images; Shutterstock (3)
To be honest, I don’t know what April is even known for. April showers? April Fool’s Day? Dating Andy on Parks and Rec? (Lol jk.) No thank you to all of that. April is the perfect month to stay in your bed and watch Netflix—don’t go outside, don’t get rained on, and definitely don’t get pranked. This has been a PSA. While you’re avoiding the outside world, check out these new TV shows and movies coming to Netflix in April.
April 1st: ‘Obsessed’
Nope, this movie wasn’t a 2000s fever dream. Beyoncé and Idris Elba really did star in a C-list thriller together. It’s pretty much Fatal Attraction, but with Beyoncé and a 19% on Rotton Tomatoes. Basically, Idris Elba is tempted to cheat on Beyoncé with another woman who turns out to be a psycho stalker. I straight-up don’t understand why anyone would even consider cheating on Beyoncé *ahem* but whatevs.
April 1st: ‘P.S. I Love You’
I watched P.S. I Love You for the first time when I was 12, and I cried through the whole movie. Like, start to finish. Probably even through the credits. And for half an hour after it was done. Mopey preteen feelings aside, this movie follows Hillary Swank as she attempts to navigate life without her husband after his untimely death. He sends her letters from beyond the grave to comfort and guide her, which is super impressive considering I can barely remember to check my email during the weekend.
April 1st: ‘Spy Kids’
Some nostalgia for ya. If you’re not scarred from those weird thumb guys from childhood (or was that just me?), you should totally give this a rewatch. No one is too old to watch people playing with a bunch of cool spy sh*t, and that’s a fact.
April 1st: ‘The Fifth Element’
Not to be confused with The Sixth Sense, The Fifth Element is a Bruce Willis movie about saving the earth from aliens, and all that jazz. I honestly haven’t seen it (because I definitely thought it was the same movie as The Sixth Sense), but if you want to, it’ll be on Netflix! Lmk how it is!
April 1st: ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2′
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2 are both on Netflix now! You know what that means—time to call all your girls, have a sleepover, decide who’s most similar to each character, and comfort your friend when she gets upset that everyone thinks she’s Tibby. Sorry Tibby, but you kinda suck. If that doesn’t sound like your kind of night (can’t imagine why), def still watch these movies. At the very least, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants will give you hope that you’ll finally find a pair of jeans that fit.
April 2nd: Kevin Hart: ‘Irresponsible’
Kevin Hart’s fourth comedy special is coming to Netflix on April 2nd. The special is named Irresponsible, which I can only assume is a reference to his decision to cheat on his wife while she was pregnant. This special is a good watch for comedy fans and people who want to hear what he has to say for himself after cheating on his wife. Filmed in London during Hart’s latest stand-up tour, Irresponsible covers topics ranging from his son’s cell phone usage to Hart cheating on his wife. Did I mention he cheated on his wife? Moving on…
April 3: ‘The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’, Season 2
It’s back, baby! On April 3rd, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina returns for its second season, proving that every day can be Halloween if you have a Netflix account. My friend once described this show as “like Riverdale, but less weirdly sexual and with more demons,” which seems pretty accurate. Season 2 promises to be darker than ever, which I can confirm after seeing the trailer because Sabrina is now a platinum blonde. We’ve all gone through this phase.
April 5th: ‘Unicorn Store’
If you need more Brie Larson in your life after watching Captain Marvel (same), her directorial debut Unicorn Store comes to Netflix on April 5th. Aimless after getting kicked out of school, Larson’s character Kit moves back in with her parents and takes a sh*tty office temp job. When she meets a man who promises to sell her what she wants most, Kit goes full horse girl and quits her job to buy a unicorn. The trailer is full of relatable lines like “I don’t know how to be a grown-up” and “my parents think that I’m insane.”
April 5th: ‘Legacies’, Season 1
The first season of Legacies, the
87th second spin-off of The Vampire Diaries, comes to Netflix on the 5th if you’re into that kind of thing. And by “that kind of thing” I mean supernatural teen TV dramas. I’m trash and I’ll watch 90% of what the CW makes, so this one is a yes from me. It’s about a boarding school for supernatural teens—I could’ve sworn I’ve seen a show or five about that, but I can’t think of any right now, so maybe not.
April 5th: ‘Our Planet’
Planet Earth, but make it Netflix. This is the kind of content you watch stoned on your couch at 3am when you want to be reminded of the earth’s natural beauty. Throughout the course of its eight episode run, Our Planet also promises to showcase the impact of climate change on all aspects of natural life. Sad! But like, actually. Maybe watch this with that one friend who says sh*t like “If global warming is real, then why is it snowing?” BECAUSE IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO SNOW IN JUNE, BECKY.
April 10th: ‘New Girl’, Season 7
If you missed the seventh and final season of New Girl while it was airing, never fear! It arrives on Netflix on April 10th. You might be excited about this, but my friend has a real-life shrine to Nick Miller on her desk at work, so I can guarantee that you are less excited than her. I’ve seen the season already, and while some of the previous seasons are better, it’s definitely worth watching just to see how all the characters end up. Or to get new material for your Nick Miller shrine.
April 12th: ‘The Perfect Date’
Noah Centineo returns to Netflix and your thirsty Twitter feed, probably, with The Perfect Date. If you need more convincing than “Noah Centineo,” it also has a plot and stuff. In an attempt to make money, Noah Centineo creates an app that basically lets him pimp himself out to high school girls who need dates. That’s cool and all, but in the trailer, he keeps saying he needs enough money to “get into Yale,” which, sorry bb, is not how it works (unless you’re Olivia Jade). Regardless, I will be watching this one for SURE.
April 19th: ‘Someone Great’
Someone Great stars Gina Rodriguez as a New York journalist who gets a job in San Fransisco. Confirming what we all knew to be true (MEN. ARE. TRASH.), her boyfriend of nine years (9!!) then breaks up with her so he doesn’t have to try long distance or move. Yeah, long distance never works, but still. Not a cute look for him. The rest of the movie follows Rodriguez’s final night out with her girls. Three cheers for female friendship! The trailer is set to “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo, so you KNOW it’s going down.
April 24th: ‘Bonding’
This seven-episode series is about a recently reunited pair of high school best friends named Tiff and Pete. Wholesome, right? Welllllllllll. It turns out Tiff is a dominatrix, and Pete gets swept into her world after agreeing to be her assistant. There are a lot of very cool latex ~lewks~ in this series if you’re looking for Halloween (or general life) inspo. Bonus, the episodes range from 12 to 18 minutes, so you could prob binge it in like, an hour (don’t check my math on that).
Images: Nicole Honeywill / Unsplash; Giphy (6)
Everyone can agree that Gossip Girl is a show iconic for its fashion. From Serena’s sensual menswear looks to Blair’s classic plaid pieces and extravagant bows, each character has their own distinct personal style. Even lowly Joe—I mean, Dan Humphrey—has a very defined struggling-writer-hipster-wannabe-from-Brooklyn style of his own. However, even the greatest scripted show on television, with all its flawless fashion looks, couldn’t get it right every time. With rumors of a potential Gossip Girl reboot picking up steam (fingers crossed), let’s take a look back at some of the show’s greatest fashion crimes. Here are some of the worst Gossip Girl looks of all time.
Let’s start with Queen B. It’s easy to immediately declare that she can do no wrong; she was a princess, after all. Oh, but she can. She veryyyy much can. I mean, she did have a stint with Lonely Boy, can’t forgive her for that. But Blair has made some questionable fashion choices FOR SURE. I mean, personally I’m not here for her preppy blouses or childish bows, but it’s part of her look, so I’ll accept it. But what I won’t accept is this monstrosity. Okay Queen B, everyone knows you run the school. You got a lot of “yes” people. That being said, no one’s going to have the balls to tell you how horrific those banana yellow heels are, or yell at you for wearing mauve tights with open-toed shoes. The green coat isn’t good, and neither is a yellow shirt underneath it with gold accessories, but those shoes first and foremost are an abomination.
Look, I know we don’t always love our bridesmaid dresses, but I legit hate this. I mean, we all know Lily has always been not so low-key jealous of Serena. So really, it’s no shock that she would put her in her place with this terrible bridesmaid dress. I get the impression that she picked out this dress thinking it would be ugly af, but then saw Serena in it and was like, “Oh, f*ck! She still somehow looks good. Well, I’m not going to let her outshine me on my very special 5,000th wedding day! Okay, I’ll make her add these weird-ass black accessories to make her look real clownish.” Mission accomplished.
I don’t know whose self-centered oblivious attitude annoys me more: Serena or Lil J. Like, I get it, Jenny. It DOES suck that you live in Brooklyn with Lonely Boy as a brother and Rufus, a wannabe rockstar with Peter Pan syndrome, as a father. Def not ideal. But your bratty and entitled behavior is beyond what you have earned for your unfortunate family. And this outfit is unforgivable. It’s the definition of Lil J constantly trying too hard. Like, you’re a pretty girl with an eye for fashion, and sweetie, you’re going to make it out of Brooklyn! Just chill. You don’t need two oversize T-shirts layered on top of each other, plus fishnets, plus the largest bag I’ve ever seen. You’re supposed to take off one thing before you leave the house, and Jenny could’ve take off four.
Oh, wait. You know how I just said I didn’t know who annoyed me more, Serena or Jenny? My b, forget that because Vanessa hands down takes the cake with the title of most annoying on Gossip Girl. It’s a shame because she’s stunning, yet is the definition of pesky. Between her self-righteous attitude and tacky discount store wardrobe, she is the absolute worst. For example, combo of a horrible statement necklace and baggy jeans stuffed into Converse with cartoons on them. It gives me all the cringe sweats. It looks like something you get on the JCPenney clearance rack in the curated “teen” section. It’s just doing too much, just like martyr Vanessa always does.
I think almost any girl who’s watched Gossip Girl can admit that there is just something so inexplicably hot about Chuck Bass. Maybe it’s the self-confidence, the money, the power? Idk, but no matter how objectively hot Nate is, it’s Chuck’s true BDE that makes every girl wet. Explicit, but true. However, what doesn’t do it for me? Chuck’s double argyle with shorts and bow tie look. AND the socks are high socks. Just why? This is a look you’d see on a WASP-y dad at a golf course. I’m going to scream.
Like I said, I’m praying that this isn’t just a rumor and that we really are getting a Gossip Girl reboot. I mean, considering no one can seem to come up with any original ideas anymore for scripted TV, I’m down for an attempted reboot. If you’ve been watching Riverdale this season then you know The CW is really reaching right now. Let’s just hope that they do it right, and not some corny knockoff version that makes us forget why we loved it in the first place.
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So I know Gossip Girl ended *crying in the fetal position* over half a decade ago, but I’d be lying if I said I stopped watching after the truly horrific two hours that was the 2012 finale. Thank you Netflix for answering my prayers and giving us Nate Archibald back. Anyway, as excited as I was to rewatch the garbage that is the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite, I had a thought: watching Gossip Girl as a jaded, tax-paying adult is a different experience than watching it as a young, dumb eighth grader. So as I sit in my floor-length bathrobe in my
Upper East Side Murray Hill living room with a tall glass of pinot, I’ve learned something important about the show that I never noticed before: it is truly a terrible program full of unanswered questions. Like, a bunch of full-grown adult teenagers with Platinum cards are galavanting around Manhattan shopping for ballgowns, noshing on caviar at Michelin restaurants and sipping gin martinis in 5-star hotel bars alone??? I THINK NOT. The only realistic part of this show was that one time Serena ate yogurt. Honestly, like my GPA in college, Gossip Girl started off really strong and then plummeted towards its death as the seasons ticked on. But an addiction is an addition, so I rewatched the entire show despite it being pure trash and was inspired to launch an investigation into the unexplained plot holes of each season. Please see my findings below.
Ok I’m not breaking any glass ceilings here when I say the first season was the best one by a long shot (I am right about this, so don’t @ me). Need we remember that this season had 18 one-hour episodes, which is like a full lifetime in television years, so there was a lot of room for sh*t to go down? As I stated before, the series started off strong (minus the ungodly amount of shorts-with-tights combos), and almost convinced 14-year old me that this is what high school would be like. What a fat LOL I had rewatching this as a 25-year-old hermit and realizing that my high school experience was the literal opposite Gossip Girl. I digress. So season one was fire/amazing/perfection/educational/blessed until Georgina Sparks showed up and ruined everything for both the characters and myself. Georgina circa season one (and for like the entirety of the show) is enormous plot hole #1. This fully-functioning psychopath girl returned to New York with the sole purpose of blackmailing Serena into being friends with her (are you five years old?) by threatening to reveal Serena’s casual murder of her f*ck buddy/drug dealer/boyfriend. Relatable, right?! Ok so let’s unpack that. Serena is supposed to be 16 (lol, k), which means she was a 15-year old coke head murderess at the time of the incident? Again, relatable! So Serena obv doesn’t want to be friends with this crazy b*tch, so Georgina retaliates by outing S’s little brother as a proud gay man, taking on a new identity, stealing Serena’s boyfriend, acquiring roofies, and using said roofies to prevent Serena from taking the SATs. A little much for being ghosted by a former friend, if you ask me. If I put this much effort into destroying the lives of people who don’t want to be my friend because I secretly recorded their crimes, I would be on top of the world.
Season two spared no ridiculous plot lines to keep the absurdity of the first season alive, but of all the huge holes in this season, one took the cake: Nate and Duchess Catherine Beaton. Before I delve into everything wrong with the double felony that was this relationship, I just need to give some other moments of this season some much-deserved recognition, so here goes: the actual prospect of Blair and Serena getting into Yale, (I was a straight-A student with a 2200 SAT score and got flat out rejected from all of the Ivy League schools. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.), Chuck casually purchasing a New York landmark as a 17-year-old, the Snowflake Ball and everything that happened in that episode, and Serena’s marriage to the Winklevoss twin Gabriel Edwards. Back to business…season two opens with a much-welcomed steamy scene of Nate and Catherine having foreplay in a car in broad daylight. K, same. First of all, where and how did these nymphos even meet? Secondly, I obviously understand Catherine’s obsession, as Nate is a hard 10, but he is also supposed to be 17 and she is supposed to be in her mid-40s. I know it’s 2018 and we are progressive and open-minded now, but gross? Lastly, this relationship was illegal in more ways than one and no one really talked about that. For starters, this was straight up statutory rape, which is just not a good activity to engage in ever. Additionally, Catherine was paying for the pleasure of Nate’s company, which, may I remind her, is also against the law. Except for Vanessa (and Blair, whose boy toy was Catherine’s stepson and sex slave) no one else really cared about this affair, which is shocking, considering that if this happened in real life, Nate would have to give his hard-earned cash to the feds and Catherine would be in jail. Side note: as truly perfect as Nate is, his love interests took a nose dive after he and Blair called it quits. Just saying.
I know season three was the one where literally nothing that occurred could have actually happened, but the biggest WTF of this season was how much Gossip Girl Dan Humphrey could pull. First, he dated Lizzie McGuire smoke show actress Olivia Burke. Then, before exclusively dating Vanessa, he had a threesome with them both in his dad’s apartment. No better way to decide who’s a better match than sleeping with both options at the same time, amirite? Then, in vintage Dan Humphrey fashion, he pathetically drags his dad bod back to Serena and she is kind of down for it. But she has to go to Paris for the entire summer before making a decision because that’s what you do the summer before college, I guess? I was a waitress in my hometown’s Le Pain Quotidien during this exploratory summer, but whatever.
Even though season four was the one where Jenny went from being girl-next-door who sewed her own disaster outfits to a full-blown crypt keeper, her transgressions were not the biggest plot confusion of the season. I know I said I would only pick the absolute best plot hole per season, but this one has too many to choose only one, so I chose two. Sue me. The first is Chuck’s double life as a peasant living in France and shacking up with
Fleur Delacour Eva. Let’s not forget that this sad new life of his was provoked by his on-again-off-again high school hookup thank u, next-ing him. Moving to Paris and assuming a new identity as a pauper just seems like a tad overdramatic, no? Ok the second just as questionable moment in this season is Serena’s relationship with Ben. Who? Ben, you know, the teacher she allegedly had an affair with when she was a student at the boarding school where he taught and soon thereafter said affair was appropriately arrested, arraigned, and convicted. Yeah, I watch Law & Order. Ok so their blast from the past is weird enough, but once Serena frees him from the state penitentiary, they immediately start dating. Like literally the same day. I can’t even get my booty call to text me back before 2am, and she can get a hot older dude to exclusively date her after she basically threw him in prison for a very serious crime he didn’t commit? I get she’s a regulation hottie and can get a reservation at Carbone night-of, but really Ben?
Blair is my favorite and the betchiest Gossip Girl character, so she deserves a spotlight (for once in her life) on this list. Ok so in season five, Blair is engaged to the Prince of Monaco because of course and later becomes pregnant with his child. Glad to know that premarital sex is officially on the table now that royals are participating. Anyway, what’s the rush B? When I was 21, I was super into my college boyfriend and wanted to spend every waking second in his bunkbed at his frat house, but I was definitely not trying to marry him and bear his children. Also, is the CW really trying to tell me that Park Ave Princess Blair Waldorf isn’t on any form of birth control and prefers to raw dog it than be safe? Sorry that was gross, but just trying to make a point here. Lastly, I know this pregnancy wasn’t planned, but she took longer to forgive Jenny for banging Chuck than she did to get over her miscarriage. Everyone grieves in their own way, blah blah blah, but still, have a heart Blair.
Ah, the final season of this six year ego-stroking blab fest. I know everyone is expecting this season’s curveball to be Dan as Gossip Girl, but I’m wild and unpredictable, so I am not going to go with the plot line that the writers came up with the night they experimented with drugs. But my final roast is about Dan, who spent this season as one of Vanity Fair’s most successful contributors. I am a writer and I got laughed at when I applied for a f*cking unpaid internship at Vanity Fair. Again, I digress. So the second to last scene of this soap opera show is Dan and Serena’s wedding. No. NOOOOOO. Serena, why? Not that marriage means anything to anyone (hi Lily’s six divorces, Rufus’ two divorces and Serena’s annulment). So many things were wrong with this wedding, aside from the fact that it even happened at all. First, Serena van der Woodsen would never get married in her best friend’s apartment. She wouldn’t even get married in her own apartment. It’s a beach wedding in St. Barth’s or bust, okay, plebeians? The moral of the story is that no wedding should ever take place in an apartment. Secondly, this dress looks like a Project Runway challenge gone wrong, and I personally believe that U.S. Americans such as Serena van der Woodsen wouldn’t be caught dead in a gown that had any trace of metallic whatsoever. But back to Dan. Everything that happened to him from the moment he had that awkward encounter with Chuck and Nate on the bus (why were Chuck and Nate on a bus? I don’t even take the bus) makes zero sense. Speaking of Consuelo, I don’t understand how every character on this show isn’t in jail or dead. I saw Serena drink three cups of pure absinthe as a 15-year-old and she lived to narrate the flashback.
But I don’t want to end this roast on a negative note, so I would like to commend the only team who truly did its job on this show, the costume designers. Y’all killed it and I would like the tear sheets of every outfit Blair wore. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Images: The CW; Giphy (3)
Head Pro is able to separate the artist from her music and thinks Taylor Swift’s songs are mostly fine. Email him at [email protected] and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Ok look, let’s get something out of the way: if being a “fan” of anyone or anything is a core pillar of your identity, you’re a fucking mouthbreather and Darwin was wrong about everything. Just look at college football fans, for instance.
But Taylor Swift fans are a different breed, and have created an entire ecosystem that they inhabit. Now, there’s a major controversy brewing because Taylor—who, like her fans, is a weird combination of narcissistic and insecure—has divided her following. It all started when she debuted her latest disposable pop single, “Gorgeous.” At the very beginning a baby’s voice says the word “gorgeous,” and fans started asking the totally normal and not at all weird question: whose voice is it?
Explain us the baby’s voice Taylor. Who’s this? @taylorswift13 #Gorgeous
— Dilara (@queenswifty_) October 20, 2017
Who’s the baby at the beginning of gorgeous? Is taylor pregnant and hinting?
— Karl (@minimadkarl) October 20, 2017
It’s a strange thing to care about, but whatever. Shit got extremely extra real, however, when Taylor herself responded to someone on Tumblr (because of COURSE Taylor Swift has a Tumblr account) with the following (and now-deleted) cryptic comment:
Per Buzzfeed, the “300” is a reference to the number of people who’ve been to Taylor’s secret listening sessions at her various homes across the country. It’s the most Taylor Swift thing ever: a deliberate, narcissistic act of sycophancy meant to endear her to her most extreme base and annoy everyone else. It’s the entertainment equivalent of the fucking campaign rallies our idiot president keeps throwing for himself a solid nine months after taking office.
Anyway, now the Swifties not in this “inner circle” are red and nude and shitting their diapers with anger, appalled at how their messiah could have betrayed them by telling some people something but not other people.
taylor: 300 people know
everyone: she’s confirming some of the fandom are better than others
— katie / I MET HER (@swiftestgrande) October 20, 2017
you know what really hurts? a fan asked who was the person behind the baby voice and taylor actually answered, “300 people know” thats it
— q (@GUCCIKlM) October 20, 2017
This is just a small sampling because this is supposed to be a quick post, but this is insane. All of it, really. It’s insane that Taylor holds “secret” listening sessions for HER OWN MUSIC that she knows damn well won’t remain secret, making them obnoxious PR stunts. It’s insane that there are people out there who think that she owes them anything other than her music in exchange for their support (and money). Finally, it’s maybe most insane of all that Taylor thought dicking around on Tumblr like a horny teenager was a good idea.
Look, I don’t care if you like Taylor Swift. She’s fine. But if you feel compelled to show your ass online because some people know something about her that you don’t, here’s what to do: Put down your phone. Walk outside. Look around. Take some deep breaths. Literally anything else you choose to do is more useful than posting your anger online.
Oh, and the voice belongs to Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’ daughter, James. Happy now?