As you may know, I usually love documenting the messy behavior of our favorite (and least favorite) Bachelor alums. From Amanda Stanton maybe stealing a Chanel bag to TikToks that make me want to die, it’s usually a fun ride. But over the weekend, things went from fun to depressing real quick. On Saturday, Hannah Brown said the N-word on Instagram live, and the resulting fallout has been anything but fun to watch.
On the IG live, Hannah was trying to learn the TikTok dance to DaBaby’s song “Rockstar,” and she said some of the lyrics that happened to include that word. When people on the live first called her out, she said she was sorry, but also that she didn’t think she said it, and she was also laughing the whole time. She later said she would “never use that word”, and that “y’all can think I said whatever I did or think I’m something I’m not, but I’m not that.” Yikes. On Sunday, she issued more of an actual apology, but the whole thing has just left an awful taste in my mouth.
Aside from all the reasons why this is obviously not okay, it’s been interesting to see which members of Bachelor Nation have spoken out publicly. While many have sadly said nothing, at least there are some people in this weird world who have their heads on straight. Here are the most notable reactions.
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Rachel Lindsay has got to be one of smartest, most well-spoken people in Bachelor Nation, and she also happens to be the only black lead in the history of the show. With that in mind, I was really interested to hear what she had to say about this situation. In an Instagram Live video, she said she was personally offended, but rather than call Hannah out, she reached out to her directly. Rachel asked Hannah to address her comments on video, saying, “When you’re bold enough to say the N-word on your platform… you need to be bold enough to use your face, on camera, and apologize in the same way that you said the word.”
Understandably, Rachel was disappointed and hurt when Hannah only apologized through a text post on Instagram stories. This may seem like a small thing, but there’s something important about showing your face and admitting you were wrong. In her video, Rachel said she’s “tired of feeling like I have to be the one to speak,” and I totally get it. It’s not fair for pressure to be placed on her to react in these situations, but she did an excellent job of communicating her feelings.
Bekah was one of the first people in Bachelor Nation to publicly comment on what happened, and she had a lot to say throughout the day on Sunday. First, she called Hannah out (without naming her) in a couple of stories, urging that we need to do a better job of holding people accountable. She also addressed the people who apparently think it doesn’t count when you say the word in a song, which I didn’t realize was something people still legitimately thought in 2020.
In a subsequent video, Bekah acknowledged that she’s not perfect either, and that she’s worked hard to “unlearn” the ignorance that she grew up with. She says that this process was “difficult and uncomfortable,” but that it’s disappointing to see others not putting in that work and acknowledging their mistakes.
Then, later in the day, she hopped back on stories, saying that she wishes she removed the “call out” part of her initial stories, and instead focused on the educational aspect. That’s all well and good, but she has no reason to apologize. Hannah f*cked up, and there’s no reason people need to tiptoe around holding her accountable.
In an Instagram story on Sunday night, Mike said that he received DMs calling him out for not addressing the situation sooner, accusing him of “not defending women of color.” While he said he hadn’t seen the video yet, he made his thoughts clear: “she shouldn’t have said the N-word, it’s pretty damn simple.” He then asked people not to come for him for not keeping up with every little thing that happens in Bachelor Nation. Honestly, relatable.
If I’m being honest, Tyler Cameron’s responses to this whole thing have felt a little wishy-washy. In an Instagram story, he said that Rachel Lindsay “hit the nail on the head,” and that “we have a long ways to go on this issue.” That’s certainly true, but then he changed gears to sort of defending Hannah. Uh, what?
He said, “This is not about dragging HB. This is about using your platform for reasons like this. So we can educate those who don’t get it. This is bigger than HB. This is a societal problem.” Like, yes, it is definitely a societal problem, but it’s also an HB problem. No one should be sending Hannah threats or anything, but it’s absolutely justified for people to be hurt and angry, and to call her out for what she did.
In a response to a DM, Tyler also took kind of an odd stance: “In these moments you have the opportunity to burry someone or lift them up. We need to lift HB up from this. She is learning and growing just like every single one of us. Love rids hate. Hate only makes more hate. Let’s learn and lift each other up with love.” Whatever Tyler is smoking, I’d like some. Of course, it’s important to educate and grow and love and all that sh*t, but it’s been one day. People are still mad, which is a completely valid response, because Hannah used a racial slur with centuries of hate-filled baggage attached to it, and nobody should be dismissing those feelings of anger and hurt so quickly. A quick glance through Instagram comments will show that the majority of the people who are rushing to forgive her are not the ones who have truly felt the damage that this word can cause (TL;DR: they’re white). And not only did Hannah use the word, but her initial response was so flippant, you’d think it was no big deal. Of course I hope she grows and learns and takes meaningful actions to do better in the future, but that doesn’t mean we should give her a free pass because “everyone makes mistakes.”
Nick Viall was just trying to do a normal Q&A on Sunday, but naturally a ton of people wanted his thoughts on the Hannah controversy. He kept it simple, saying “There is no excuse. Period. Super sad and disappointing to see.” Honestly, that’s about all I need from someone like Nick. I actually really like that he directed people to Rachel’s Instagram Live, rather than trying to make this about him sharing his own thoughts.
UPDATE: Another day has passed, and thankfully, more people from Bachelor Nation have spoken out about the whole situation with Hannah Brown.
I had no idea what was going on until last night, & didnt get the full story/see the video until this morning.
Watching her get quiet when she approached the N-word in the lyrics tells me she knew she shouldnt have said it. Ive heard more sincere apologies from a box of cereal. https://t.co/g0rNXsOcx0
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) May 18, 2020
I love Diggy so much. He keeps it real 100% of the time, and he has no time for any of this nonsense. He made a good observation about how Hannah seemed reluctant to say the word in the first place. Others have also pointed out that she specifically didn’t say the F-word in the same song. Interesting, for sure. But yeah, can’t argue with Diggy’s opinion on her apology.
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I didn’t want to have to say anything, and I honestly shouldn’t have to say anything. Ya’ll know what is wrong here, I don’t need to break it down. I will say this…this is an opportunity for white people, especially those in bachelor nation, to practice being an ally to black people. It is an opportunity for you to hold other white people accountable when they’re not living or acting in a way that is anti-racist, to educate them and to educate yourselves on how to be an ally. Being an ally is a practice, and I’m going to call on you today to put that into practice. On a daily basis, black people put in an exhausting amount of emotional labor to educate white people on matters of race. When a black person puts in that emotional labor to educate, they then are often met with white fragility and put in even more emotional labor and support to console that white person in an attempt to sooth them so they can actually get to the root of the issue, be heard and seen, and actually educate. So, let’s not put this on black people to explain to other white people why saying the n word, in any context, is not okay…cause y’all know, and ya’ll need to start having these conversations with each other. You all know where I stand. Frankly, I’m not surprised. I have had countless interactions with a white person in that situation, and I’m just triggered. I have repeatedly had the word personally used against me throughout my life, in a way to belittle me, make me feel less than, and frankly to de-humanize me to justify treating me like shit. Words carry weight. Words are powerful. Be intentional and thoughtful with the words you use, even in what you think is a playful settings, because your words matter. So, #bachelornation, how are you going to show up as an ally?
Taylor Nolan made a post with a caption that called on white people, and especially those in Bachelor Nation, to take this opportunity to be true allies to people of color. She writes that how black people put in “an exhausting amount of emotional labor to educate white people on matters of race,” but that white people often aren’t receptive to what they hear. Particularly in Bachelor Nation, this is an important moment, and it’s telling who has spoken up, and who has remained quiet.
Danielle Maltby, from Nick Viall’s season, put a couple great posts on her Instagram story. She echoes Taylor’s post, saying that “It is not the job of black women to educate white people.” She also addresses all the people who think that singing it in a song is okay, or that it’s okay because black people say it all the time. Those are terrible excuses, and Danielle is having none of it.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m really impressed by Cassie. Right off the bat, she says that saying the N-word is never okay, and acknowledges that her feelings don’t matter here. She cites the black women in Bachelor Nation who have already spoken on the topic, and says that we can all learn from this. While Tyler Cameron seemed too quick to forgive, Cassie really hit the right note of learning and growing, without acting like nothing bad happened in the first place.
It’s great that more people have spoken out in the last couple days, but there are still so many who have kept quiet. Chris Harrison, care to comment? No? Cool. I guess this shouldn’t be too surprising, but it’s still disappointing.
Images: Charley Gallay/Getty Images for PUMA; bachelorteaspill, Bekah, tylerjcameron3, nickviall, taymocha, dmmaltby, cassierandolph / Instagram; diggymoreland / Twitter
You guys. I don’t know what we did to make the ABC Gods so happy this week, but the Bachelor news is seriously nonstop. Yesterday, the news broke that Bekah Martinez, the little pixie that thankfully escaped Arie, is pregnant. This obviously cleared up her decision to skip Bachelor In Paradise, but we were still left with some important questions about her relationship. Other than the fact that they created a fetus together, we really don’t know much about Bekah and her mans. Well, thanks to an illuminating comment from barb1994 (thanks fam!) and some light Instagram stalking, I have a theory to investigate: is Bekah M married to Grayston already?
Sound crazy? That’s because it is. But boy oh boy, Grayston’s Instagram has some interesting information to unpack. First of all, did we know that he’s a rock climbing instructor? He’s currently building his own bouldering gym from the ground up, so at least the boy has ambition. Okay, sorry, back to the (alleged) wedding. On September 4th, Grayston (still not over this name ugh) posted two Instagrams that need some serious analysis.
In the first photo, we just have some clues to go on. By that, I mean that this looks like a damn wedding photo. Like, the kind of wedding photo that a 23-year-old who’s into meditation and sh*t like that would want to have. Notice the strategic placement of Bekah’s gigantic hat over her then-secret baby bump! While this is the cuter photo of the two, the second one is where things really get interesting.
WHAT? In the photo, Grayston (still ew) and Bekah are still wearing their hippie wedding outfits, and the caption is a joke about literally being married!! With a caption like this, they’re either married, or Grayston is deliberately trolling Bachelor nation. Too bad he’s in a relationship, because it seems like he’d do well with the psychos on these shows.
Alas, it looks like Grayston really is just a troll after all. In an Instagram story on Tuesday, he said that they’re not actually married. Probably for the best, considering that less than a year ago Bekah was on a reality show looking for love with someone else. In fact, until like two months ago, Bekah made Grayston keep his Instagram private so people wouldn’t know they were together. They can do whatever they want, but it seems a little soon to get married.
Another day, another Bachelor myth busted. It’s hard work we do here, but it’s important. For now, we’ll just enjoy the next few months of pregnancy photos from Bekah, which will hopefully tide us over until we get to meet Colton’s batch of
Instagram thots hopeless romantics. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss Paradise already?
Got a theory you want to share with us? Did a celebrity send you aggressive DMs? Send the receipts to our tip line, [email protected]!
Images: @pipyopi / Instagram (3)
If you thought we’d finally stop writing about Bachelor gossip until at least January when
Colton loses his virginity the new season of The Bachelor airs, think again, people, because this just in: Bekah M. is pregnant. It’s been a wild week in Bachelor news. First we discovered that Jenna and Jordan’s relationship might be fake, then Amanda Stanton was arrested in Las Vegas, and now our favorite baby prostitute is having a baby. They say the devil works hard, but, damnit, Mike Fleiss works harder.
Bekah confirmed the pregnancy (and also that I’m a goddamn psychic) on her Instagram story earlier this morning. If you’ll recall, I had predicted way back in July that Bekah might be pregnant when she dropped out of Bachelor in Paradise at the last minute because she suddenly found “love.” Lol as if that’s a viable reason not to ruin your life on national television for our personal enjoyment. Please. And, look, I’m not saying I can see into the future or anything but I’m not not saying that you should let me read your palms for 20 bucks a pop. DM me for inquiries!
In an interview with PureWow, Bekah confirmed that she’s expecting her first child with
a man who looks suspiciously like Arie’s double her boyfriend Grayson Leonard. Casual reminder that Bekah has only been dating said boyfriend for seven months. SEVEN MONTHS. I’ve literally had unanswered messages in my Hinge inbox for a longer period of time, but okay.
Apparently the couple found out they were going to be parents after only three months of dating, but Bekah knew it was right because it was “legitimately a dream come true.” It’s funny because my dreams at 23 were more about extending a blackout from 11am brunch to 1am at the club, but to each her own.
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In an exclusive interview with PureWow, ‘Bachelor’ fan favorite, Bekah Martinez (@whats_ur_sign) is revealing a piece of news even more mind-blowing than the Arie-Lauren-Becca fiasco: she’s pregnant. What do you think? Boy or girl? ???????? LINK IN BIO for the full story.
In the interview she also admits that the pregnancy played a part in her turning down Paradise (surprise, surprise!) because apparently motherhood is only sexy when the kid is only mentioned off-offhandedly on-screen. Got it.
Bekah is due in January of 2019, which I’m sure is purely coincidental and not at all planned according to a Bachelor schedule. Seriously, don’t expect her to schedule a c-section for the day after Colton’s season airs, because that’s just crazy and she would never do something like that!!
In all seriousness, we’re v v happy for Bekah. I mean, it was only one year ago that this same girl was reported missing because she got too high and forgot to text her mom back. But, I mean, Mazel Tov! Ever happiness to you both!
IMAGES: Giphy (1); @purewow /Instagram (1)
Happy Thursday! I’ve woken up in a world where recent Bachelor in Paradise reject, Leo Dottavio, had a very public meltdown on Twitter last night. You know, the guy who gaslighted the sh*t out of Kendall, threw a drink in Joe’s face, and otherwise trashed whatever goodwill he’d earned on The Bachelorette. Over the past 24 hours, Leo has tweeted what some perceive to be attacks on former friends, threats of violence, and messed-up views on masculinity. While we expect this kind of behavior from our government, it’s much more unsettling when it comes from a Bachelor in Paradise contestant. Let’s take a look at how this spiraled out.
Apparently, things kicked off with this tweet from previous contestant Amanda Stanton.
Just got a lovely DM from Leo calling me a “piece of shit” & that my tweet about him last night is going to “come back to haunt me”…so i guess he can never blame “editing” #BachelorinParadise
— Amanda Stanton (@amandastantonnn) August 29, 2018
Oh, and in case you were wondering the HEINOUS tweet that sparked his outrage:
Catching up on #BachelorInParadise from last week. Thoughts: 1. I’m glad Jacqueline went home. She was too good for this show. 2. I love seeing @JubileeSharpe1 face on my TV! 3. Leo scares me.
— Amanda Stanton (@amandastantonnn) August 28, 2018
There was also, reportedly, a comment about Leo’s place of employment. The Daily Mail reported that Amanda said, “Slightly off topic but Leo did get fired from WaterWorld, right? Need to make sure before I take the kids…”
Apparently Leo has some sort of Jonathan Cheban-level radar for his name (as one commenter pointed out, she didn’t even tag him).
Original tweets have been deleted from this point on, but luckily US Weekly has done some detailed reporting, and Instagram account @thebachelorbanter is here with the receipts. Leo reportedly fires back with the following:
If you’re unclear what this is about, please see Bekah and Leo’s interactions from earlier this month. Basically, Bekah got some DMs from women alleging Leo had sexually harassed them. He denied everything and had his lawyer send Bekah a letter demanding she retract her statements and issue an apology. He insisted, as he still does, that the harassment claims are false.
At this point, Tanner (another former contestant), suggests that Leo needs help. Leo responds with a joke about being a narcissist, then tells him he wants to fight him. Again, I’d recommend reading this in full, but he really gets into the masculinity politics with the ending: “When I knock you out can I stand over you and call you a beta?” I can only hope this is a joke and real men don’t call each other “betas” and “alphas”, except I read enough Reddit to know that there are absolutely people out there who use those terms in earnest. I just can’t be sure if Leo is one of those people.
With that tweet, Leo sets off Nick Viall’s spidey senses for when a sensitive male Bachelor contestant is needed. Either that, or he felt an interaction involving the Bachelor franchise had just gone on too long without him. He chimes in with the following tweet:
Breaking news: Self proclaimed Alpha suggests Charity boxing match with someone they have a clear physical advantage over as means to inflate their own ego all while further demonstrating their deep insecurities. https://t.co/EyyR0qC6xZ
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 29, 2018
Look, Nick Viall’s never been my favorite person. But someone if someone is going to call out toxic masculinity, the guy who cried in every episode of The Bachelor seems like a good candidate. Again, Leo deleted his responses, but US Weekly reports the following response: “Hey nick how about you and tanner at the same time vs me?… For allllll the marbles let’s goooooo.” Nick’s response to this is still up—as are the comments.
Wait … you can beat us both up at the same time? … that’s like sooo cool https://t.co/TNcyTnUBnS
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 29, 2018
Now, maybe there’s some fun new youth lingo I’m missing out on, but I truly had no idea where Leo was going with the “marbles” comment. So I have to say that Dean’s responses are my absolute favorite here. NO, NOT JUST BECAUSE HE’S SO PRETTY. (Hi Dean!) Look how funny this is:
Are marbles still a thing? Why would anyone want ALL the marbles. Honestly, that seems like a burden.
— Dean Michael Unglert (@deanie_babies) August 29, 2018
A BURDEN. Dean. I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m gazing into your blue, blue eyes…ugh. This brief moment of lightness is interrupted by Leo’s now-deleted tweets back at Nick, reportedly saying the following:
“Jesus your forefathers would frown at your weakness my friend…This kind of adherence to physical altercation is what makes high school kids turn to guns. Be a good example and stand up to a cyber bully like I am… in person.”
I don’t think Leo knows what “adherence” means or how to use it. But I think he meant to say that refusing to engage in physical violence is the reason why kids shoot up schools…? It’s not the guns that are the problem; it’s the fact that boys are no longer beating the sh*t out of each other on a regular basis. Someone call Betsy DeVos and get mandatory fight clubs in school across the nation.
Finally, I happily don’t have to deal with his “forefathers” comment, because Nick Viall did it for me:
Apologies for the delayed response. I went to a WaterWorld to look for you but you weren’t there.
To be honest, my forefathers might have frowned at my support of feminism and gender/race/sexual orientation equality too …so like, it’s fine https://t.co/iAPuaRg8CP
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 29, 2018
For those of you who have lives outside of this, the WaterWorld dig is a reference to the fact that Leo reportedly works or worked there. And look, I hate to give Nick Viall the “feminist hero” title he’s so blatantly vying for, but if the gender-neutral cape fits…
Even Deanie Babies, who in all other instances wins me over, was a little off the mark with his response. He commented “I would have forgotten we’re living in the 1920’s without it,” which misses the point that sadly, this kind of garbage is as prevalent in 2018 as it ever was.
Leo ended the feud with a very confusing comment that amounts to “real men don’t shoot up schools”. No, I’m not sure how he got there, either, or if he watches the news. What I’m also not sure of? How many brain cells I lost in following this feud.
Mostly, my feelings from all this are outrage toward ABC. ABC, you need to screen your contestants better before you give them a national audience. First of all, for the safety of ALL contestants, and second of all, to give our eyes a break from this guy who is, at best, woefully inept at successfully pulling off sarcasm. 2017 me is shocked to hear me say this, but praise be for Nick Viall and Deanie Babies—the true heroes of last night’s saga.
Images: Twitter; Instagram; Twitter
It’s a sad day in Paradise, folks, because our favorite baby prostitute, Bekah Martinez, just dropped out of the season. That’s right, people, Baby Bekah, the beloved down-on-her-luck stoner who was just barely old enough to be Arie’s adoptive daughter but somehow almost made it to Hometowns, has just confirmed that she won’t be ruining her life on a Mexican beach this summer for our enjoyment. Boooooo.
If you’ll recall, Bekah was one of the first people to confirm her spot on BiP during Arie’s season on The Women Tell All, which is extra interesting because now she’s pretending like that never even happened. K. It’s like she doesn’t realize that I literally get paid to keep her receipts or something? Nice try, honeyyyy. Bekah’s saying the reason she won’t be getting carded by Wells in Paradise this season is because she has a new man in her life and realized that “it wasn’t worth it” to “possibly jeopardize what had with .” Okay, first of all, I call bullsh*t. I don’t for one second believe that Little Miss Age-Is-Nothing-But-A-Number would ever willingly give up a chance to stand on her boho soap box for national television. This is the same girl who graduated college and six months later decided that getting a funky hair cut and denying her real age would be the perfect way to launch her career as an Instagram model on The Bachelor. So, no, I’m not buying this “I found love IRL” excuse. NOPE.
^Does this look like the face of someone who isn’t trying to be the next sponsor for FabFitFun? Does it?!
There’s way more to the story here, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to
start rumors get to the bottom of this with some v well-developed theories of my own. So put on your tin foil hats, people, because it’s time to talk conspiracy theories.
Theory #1: She’s Pregnant
I’m going to start off with the most insane but weirdly plausible theory first: Bekah M is pregnant. Stick with me here. There’s a rumor that’s been circulating for awhile now that Bekah is, in fact, pregnant, which would explain why she’s suddenly not going to be on Paradise. Reality Steve addressed the rumor on his site and said this: “This hasn’t been reported by a major outlet yet that I’ve seen, so I guess Bekah can pretend she doesn’t know the story is out there, even though I’m pretty sure she does.” EVEN THOUGH HE’S PRETTY SURE SHE DOES. Okay, so it’s not super solid evidence, but Bekah is always ready to start drama on Twitter so it’s curious AF that she hasn’t confirmed or denied said rumor yet. And if you think it about it, it kind of makes sense. I mean, how can one destroy their reputation in Mexico one piña colada at time if she’s pregnant? SHE CAN’T. Tbh I wouldn’t put it past her to pull an Ashley I and Jared and keep the pregnancy under wraps until ABC can blackmail People into reporting on it before the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words, people, because I’m seeing into the goddamn future here!
Theory #2: Her Mother Threatened To Report Her Missing Again
No one can forget the infamous missing persons report Bekah’s mother filed while her daughter was off seducing a man in his midlife crisis—mostly because Bekah won’t let us effing forget. If Mrs. Martinez thought that watching a grown man fit his entire fist through her daughter’s hoop earring while making out with her was painful to see, then I can only imagine what she would make of the abominations that take place on ABC’s slice of Mexican beach. Considering my mother tried to rescind my college fund after I got my belly button pierced on spring break without her permission, I can only imagine the lengths Mrs. Martinez would go to stop her daughter from drunkenly defending her age to every available camera man on that island. Never underestimate the power of the person who pays your cell phone bills, amiright Bekah?
Theory #3: Tia & Raven Conspired Against Her
I know this sounds far-fetched, but again,
that’s my job hear me out. A few weeks ago Bekah put Tia on blast on Twitter for being a selfish bitch her relationship with Colton. She recently apologized for the rage blackout that inspired those beautifully savage tweets, which feels very off-brand for the girl whose motto throughout her entire Bachelor career has been #sorrynotsorry. Like, sorry not sorry Arie likes me, sorry not sorry I was born in 1995, sorry not sorry I’m ready for love. WE GET IT. So, yeah, this feels like Bekah is trying to get back into Tia’s good graces before they’re stranded on a literal island together. AND THEN right after she apologizes, all of a sudden she announces she’s actually not going to be on Paradise after all? It’s almost like that half-assed apology went over about as well as Becca’s formal wear this season? Look, I’m not saying Tia and Raven had anything to do with this but I’m also not not saying that Raven didn’t threaten to beat her with a shoe some shady business didn’t go down behind the scenes. I mean, production owes Tia big time for pity-giving Becca the Bachelorette spot this season, and if they had to cut Millennial Tinkerbell to do it, they probably would.
We may never know the true reason why Bekah decided to settle down with a rando who looks suspiciously like Arie (seriously look him up) instead of going to Paradise like God and Mike Fleiss intended, but I sure as sh*t do not buy that it was for love. I guess only time and refreshing People’s homepage one million times will tell!
Images: Giphy (4)
The producers over at The Bachelor have been shaking things up this season ever since they selected
a literal retiree Arie to be their next Bachelor and decided to pair him up with someone who just stopped using her fake I.D., like, yesterday. Just a casual reminder that I’m talking about Bekah M. here, who is literally more age-appropriate to be Arie’s adoptive daughter than life partner, but whatever. Bekah M.’s age isn’t the only thing making waves this season. People are also losing their shit over her because her hair, like my patience every time Arie tries to feel her up during a rose ceremony, is short AF. Let that sink in, people. A woman with short hair is actually sexually appealing to one of the most eligible Flat Tummy Tea sponsors bachelors in America. This is what we marched for!! Tbh the pixie cut actually isn’t Bekak M’s craziest haircut and I know this because I am an avid follower of her Instagram account and, let me tell you right now, that account looks less like it belongs to a single human and more like it belongs to someone trying to fake different personalities for various free streaming trials. Since it’s Friday, and I was already planning to spend my day deep-stalking reality TV contestants instead of actually doing any actual work, I’ve decided to waste my precious free time by blessing you all with a definitive ranking of Bekah M.’s hairstyles. You’re welcome.
7. Smurf Hair
Okay, was this some sort of phase that took over America’s youth and I somehow missed it? Because Bella Thorne tried to pull this same shit a few years back by labeling herself a ~yUnG sMurF~ (her exact wording, not mine) and I do not fucking get it. Is this a sign of the Jingle Jangle drug use that Riverdale keeps alluding to? The only other plausible explanation I can come up with for a hairstyle such as this is that Bekah was trying to get sponsored by Urban Outfitters on Instagram, and I don’t think that’s not a good enough reason to
use the word penetrate dye your hair the color of a Papa Smurf. No, this shit gets last place.
6. Short & Sweet
This one just barely missed last place because, honestly, it’s so average. I, mean, am I rocking a similar haircut at this very moment, only in blonde? Yes, but I’m also not some mutant who escaped from Professor X’s house just to compete in The Bachelor and low-key incite jealousy in
me every bitch who’s ever thought about rocking a pixie but whose hair stylist told them it would make them look like a prepubescent boy. No, I expect more from the mutant Bekah.
5. The Brown Bob
Ah, the predecessor to the infamous pixie. As we’ve mentioned before, if you’re going short for the first time it’s important to start out with a longer cut than you actually want just to make sure you don’t completely ruin your life with one single decision (you know, aside from your Friday night plans). It looks like Bekah followed my sound advice—I knew I liked that girl—because this haircut is the equivalent of pulling over at a sketchy gas station for shitty coffee on the road trip to an actual good haircut. All I can say is, I’m v glad this cut only lasted all of
355 likes an Instagram post.
4. Pink & Chic
I know I just shit on funky colored hair literally three minutes into this post, but I’m actually really digging this millennial pink look and it is making me reconsider all of my life choices. I’ll be sure to tell my German hairstylist, Susi, next time I’m at the salon that one time I saw Bekah M. wearing pink hair and a bob and so now I’m going to wear pink hair and a bob. Again, Bekah looks almost unrecognizable with her latest hairstyle but I like that she let us know with her caption that this is, indeed, Bekah. It’s an important distinction.
3. The Buzz Cut
Kidding! This is actually an image of a member of an ancient lizard species known as a chameleon and not Bekah M rocking the buzz cut look, though it’s getting increasingly harder to tell with each passing photo. I just wanted to throw this one in there in case you weren’t paying attention. Moving on.
2. Blonde Hair Don’t Care
Okay, I retract my earlier statement because this girl is 100 percent a goddamn chameleon. That, or she’s worse than MK and Ashley Olsen at the whole witness protection thing and keeps having to change her look up so she can stay in Australia with all of her Aussie boyfriends. Like, this doesn’t even look like the same human. Seriously. The “Evolution of Bekah M.’s Hair” should have been what I wrote my senior thesis on instead of the influence of manic pixie dream girls on hipster society.
1. The Pixie
I know if I cut off all my hair I’d look like a British man, but tbh, the pixie is her best look yet. Lucky bitch. It’s chic, it’s different, it does make her look like the offspring of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, but that strategy seems to be a strong one when competing for
a new daddy Arie’s heart, so you do you boo boo.
Images: @whats_ur_sign / Instagram (6); @claudelrheault / Unsplash (1)
Sami and Aleen cover this week’s episode of The Bachelor. Krystal’s voice is again a target, but her tendency to give speeches consisting of empty inspirational quotes shows that her weird voice is actually one of her better traits. She has issues. Aleen can’t stop cringing when Arie makes his moves, particularly on a certain 22-year-old. They conclude that Bekah actually has more maturity and poise than just about everyone, especially Arie. They wrap things up talking about glam-shaming, the controversial practice of calling people out for being too hot.
Catch up on last week’s Bachelor recap here!
We’re at week 3 of The Bachelor, and I’m already losing my patience for Arie and his feminine hand gestures. There’s something about the way his fingers, like, flutter around a girl’s face before he moves in to kiss her that makes me want to fling myself into oncoming traffic, ya know? Whatever. I guess I’ll just have to cope make a drinking game out of it. Anyway, shall we get this shit show started?
Chris Harrison starts the episode by letting all the girls know that their time here is limited and that literally every single one of them is disposable. It’s v inspirational. Seriously, way to boost up morale, Chris!
THE GROUP DATE
Anyway, moving on to the group date. For today’s
public shaming group date, the girls spend the afternoon learning how to wrestle before they’re pitted against each other in a WWE-inspired fight wearing semi-erotic leotards purely for Arie’s entertainment. It’s fun to watch feminism eat itself.
Also, let me get this straight, ABC. You want these girls to humiliate themselves on national television and possibly risk bodily harm for someone who thinks he has more attitude than me in my MySpace profile picture?
Predictions for this group date: Bibiana beats the shit out of Krystal, Bibiana beats the shit out of Arie. Arie gets a least two boners watching Marikh and a random blond act out soft-core porn.
Okay, these instructors are straight-up terrifying. Their strategy for “toughening up” the girls is similar to Kate Sander’s strategy to make sure Lizzie McGuire never became an outfit repeater again. They pick apart the girls’ surface-level insecurities and then use those to mock them in front of the man they’re trying to impress, as well as the entire viewing audience at home. I support this.
WRESTLING INSTRUCTOR: Oh your name is Bibiana? Does your mom even know how to spell???
ALSO WRESTLING INSTRUCTOR:
I’m honestly not sure who would win a fight here. On the one hand, we have twentysomething wannabe Instagram models in the prime of their lives, but on the other hand, we have two seasoned professional wrestlers who have the added benefit of
menopause strength on their side. It’s really a tough call.
Bibiana and Raven’s friend immediately start crying in a corner because they can’t take a menopausal woman’s amateur insults. I’m honestly so disappointed in Tia. Raven came out night one and told everyone about how she beat the shit out of ex boyfriend with a shoe, so like, step your fucking game up.
RAVEN’S FRIEND: I’m so scared. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. First impressions are everything!!
ALSO RAVEN’S FRIEND:
OH SHIT THEY BROUGHT BACK KENNY. So ABC does read my hate mail. Good to know. Kenny comes out looking fine as hell. Maybe there’s something about not being in a toxic environment where producers instigate racist stereotypes that, like, really agrees with a person. Idk.
Jesus. ABC really has no fucking clue how to make Arie sexually appealing to women. In what I can only assume was some sort of last-ditch effort to make him seem masculine, they have Kenny kick the shit out of him.
THE GIRLS: Arie was just getting really banged up out there. It was horrible! I can’t believe Kenny did that to him!!
ALSO THE GIRLS: Hiiii Kenny
The cocktail portion of the evening commence,s and everyone is out for fucking blood as far as Krystal goes. She steals Arie away first and starts asking him if he likes it aggressive. I’m genuinely terrified of what this girl might do with him alone.
Next up, we have Baby Bekah. Arie asks her about her longest relationship and she mentions it lasted 2-3 years. What isn’t mentioned is how she had to dump him before she started her freshman year of college last year (I assume).
Ugh I’m so nauseated. The higher he runs that hand up her thigh the more I feel like I should call Bekah’s mother. Or Child Protective Services. Either/or.
Arie gives the rose to the girl he’s sponsoring in his Big Brother/Little Sister program. How sweet. Meanwhile, Krystal looks like she’s about to beat the shit out of Bekah. She’s like “I guess I need to step up my game and
dry hump him on the couch be more aggressive.” And it’s like, no, girl you’re already doing A LOT.
Back at the house, Krystal keeps talking about about how girls always hate her. She mentions her bff from 8th grade who she thought was stealing her boyfriend in the same breath as she discusses how much she’s struggled in life. K.
KRYSTAL: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help that I’m popular.
THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE
The one-on-one date goes to Lauren S., and I’ve legit never seen this girl in my life. My immediate thoughts about her are: you’re pretty but you should be cut immediately for wearing those sneakers with that dress. Just saying.
Arie takes Lauren off to wine country, and I’m glad he understands that if he thinks he’s going to have a fighting chance with this bitch then he needs to get her drunk first. It’s important to know yourself.
They keep talking about how they go to bed at 10pm and both wear cardigans when they get chilled, and I can’t decide if they would be better suited as bingo partners instead of life partners.
I hate this about myself already but…I might…actually like Lauren S.? She seems genuine, plus she’s age-appropriate and seems like she enjoys missionary sex with the lights off. She’s perfect for Arie!
Anddd just like that, the illusion is shattered. God, does this girl ever shut the fuck up? Arie—and all of America—now knows everything about her last breakup, her family dynamics, and all the feelings she had when she graduated college 10 years ago in minute detail.
I guess Arie hates when people talk as much as I do, because he immediately sends her home the second she pauses in her monologue to get some air. BYE.
THE SECOND GROUP DATE
The second group date involves puppies and tbh it’s the most strategic thing Arie has done all season. What better way to make a girl love you than to shove cute, Instagrammable dogs in her face for an afternoon?
So Annaliese hates dogs. Annaliese, you can go shave your back now.
Okay, how “almost” is this “I almost lost my eye” story? I want to see hospital records, Annaliese.
The girls have to spend the afternoon training dogs and then put those skills to the test at a live dog show. I’m watching these girls and all I can think is, I’ve had better luck wrangling my drunk friend at 3am after Jäger bombs than these girls are having disciplining these dogs. This crowd def deserves their money back.
Arie immediately pulls Chelsea aside during the cocktail portion of the evening. I feel like he really likes making out with Chelsea for some reason. Interesting.
Arie is 1,000 percent not into Annaliese. She’s like, trying to jump his bones and Arie is just like “this room is neat though.” You know it’s not looking good for the girl if her dress is slit down to her navel and he’s still waiting for “the right time” to make out with her. HER DRESS IS SLIT TO HER NAVEL. That’s always the right time to make out.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
HAHA oh this is fucking priceless. Lauren B. inadvertently steals Bibiana’s romantic set-up for Arie. She’s acting like having a producer set up a daybed by the pool for the two of them is some huge romantic gesture. You know what’s more of a romantic gesture, Bibi? Maybe, like, actually speaking words to him? Idk?
Arie asks Bekah if she’s actually interested in marriage, which is basically a way for him to low-key ask if it’s legal to marry her without her parents’ consent. That was v v smooth, Arie.
Tia keeps talking about how well Arie knows her and it’s just like, girl all he did was Google “redneck stereotypes” and then have his producer bring a hay barrel over. Come on. He doesn’t know you, he just knows a Trump supporter.
Annaliese is dead-set on kissing Arie tonight, and her optimism is making me cringe.
ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ANNALISE AND ARIE’S CONVERSATION RN:
God, I’m so embarrassed for this girl rn. It’s so hard to watch. *turns up volume*
I’m watching Jenna—who is clearly wasted—straddle Arie and dry hump him by the pool 3.5 seconds after pulling him aside, and all I can think is “that’s the same strategy I use at last call.” Kudos, betch.
For a girl who is terrified of everything, Annaliese continues to seek out her worst fear, which is getting dumped on national television. She heads over to Arie for a second time that evening, because the first time was about as pleasant as having your nails ripped from your nail bed. God, just let him cut you with the rest of the group! Come on!
Final tally for last night’s episode: Lauren S., Annaliese, Bibiana all get sent home. I’m mildly shocked that Bibiana didn’t break a camera with her fist during an exit interview, but whatever, there’s always hope that next week a girl slips into a rage blackout after being dumped by a man whose business card includes the words “former” and “race car driver” in it. Things to look forward to, I guess.
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