Maybe The Real April Fools Were The People We Became Along The Way

Given that I consider the official start of the pandemic to be the weekend of last St. Patrick’s Day (since that was the point at which everyone I know collectively realized, sh*t okay, maybe I shouldn’t be going to the bar), we are now over one year into a global pandemic, with April officially underway. As countless brands emerge from the woodwork with fake rebrands or half-baked internet pranks to commemorate the first of April, it got me thinking: aren’t we all the real April fools? I mean, here we are, still in the thick of the first wave (since it never really subsided enough for subsequent waves) of a virus that we could have perhaps gotten under control in a few months if the majority of citizens had elected to stay at home watching Netflix and ordering delivery and put a piece of cloth over their face. Or perhaps the bigger fools were the people we became in this period of extended hibernation—the better versions of ourselves we were supposed to become. The early riser. The at-home exerciser. The person who like, might take up knitting and start an Etsy business? We all played ourselves this pandemic, but none so drastically as these people:

The Dog Parent

You thought you were suchhh geniuses, you and your partner whom you “can’t live without” (but whom you’ve only known for a year) adopting a dog since you’d both be home anyway. Sure, I bet it was great to have something to live care for while we were all stuck inside, but have you really thought it through? I know your lifestyle, and you were no homebody before it was legally mandated. Gone are the days of brunch bleeding into happy hour, or eating inside any restaurant of your choosing, or even being able to sleep soundly through the night. Good luck with that!

Your clown name: Buster (since it could work for both a circus performer and a canine)

Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡

Two out of five clowns, because you at least got something cute to snuggle and take Instagram pictures of (minus one clown if you made a dedicated account for the dog, because the market is simply saturated). As cute as little Fluffy is now, I have a feeling you’ll be feeling like the emoji above when you return from your first in-person day at the office. Hope you don’t like your shoes!

The TV Critic

So you decided to put all this time at home to good use and finally make your way down the list of shows everyone recommended to you four years ago. Once you finally caught up on Breaking Bad, you didn’t stop there. Soon you were the one compiling itemized lists of shows for all your friends to watch and blowing through whatever true crime documentary Netflix dropped 60 seconds prior. It’s great that you found a hobby, but please keep in mind that your friends may have other interests besides constantly refreshing the “What’s New” tab in Hulu. If you’re that desperate to discuss the newest streaming show, consult Reddit and stop harassing your loved ones. Oh, and as a final aside: you’re not Malcolm Gladwell, and just because you’ve put 10,000 hours into watching TV doesn’t make you a film critic. Please save your comments about how the cinematography felt contrived for someone who cares (spoiler alert: no one).

Your clown name: Snuggles. You’re clearly doing a lot of it, what with all that time you’ve been spending on the couch.

Clown sh*t level: 🤡 

At the end of the day year, you still managed to accomplish something most of us only dreamed of.

The Perpetual Pen Pal

This person signed up for every dating app under the sun in quarantine, burning with excitement about getting to actually chat with someone before they’d extend an invitation to their couch. And chat they did—they built up a busy schedule of phone calls and FaceTime dates. The only problem? With the tide of covid never actually subsiding long enough to comfortably book an indoor reservation at a restaurant, they never went past virtual conversations.

Your clown name: Uno, because you’re getting played left and right.

Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡 🤡 

You unwittingly became the reason people put “no pen pals” in their dating app profiles, with nothing to show for it except a contact list full of names like Jared Hinge and Mike Bumble and endless calendar appointments for Zoom small-talk sessions.

The Jeans-Phobe

We get it. You haven’t tried on your jeans since March 2020. You’re afraid, and you’re also unwilling, since leggings are so comfortable. Though I can’t help but wonder what kind of pants you wear while outdoor dining, or how often you’re doing laundry, or how many pairs of leggings you own, or just how stained those leggings are. In any case, might I suggest getting over it? Not liking jeans is not a personality trait. Nobody likes jeans.

Your clown name: Wiggles, since you can’t be bothered to wiggle into bottoms with a fly these days.

Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡

You turned a very common fashion preference into a cornerstone of your being. Congratulations. Do you also hate the word moist? Maybe you should write a book about it. (Yes, this is a self-roast.)

The Fitness Enthusiast

Apparently you missed the memo that we’d be spending 12 months on our couches (stopping the spread), ordering delivery (supporting local restaurants), and drinking more (coping). Well, congratulations. We all hate you.

Clown name: Biff—seems like something a jacked person who won’t shut up about their lifting schedule would go by.

Clown sh*t level: 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡

You developed a new interest, and you can’t talk about it with anyone because you’ll just look obnoxious. Enjoy the abs and spinach, though!

Images:  Brooke Cagle / Unsplash

Harvard Is Giving Olivia Jade An Honorary Degree

Well, this was a twist I didn’t see coming. We’ve all been living for the college admissions scandal dubbed Operation Varsity Blues (somebody at the FBI has a sense of humor), where it was discovered that Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, among others, had bribed their children’s way into universities. Despite Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannuli being indicted in federal court, probably the person feeling the most heat after this scandal is their daughter, Olivia Jade, who has been kicked out of USC and lost sponsorship deals in the process. But things might be looking up for the influencer, because today Harvard University announced that it will be giving her an honorary degree.

Since the news of the scandal broke, it’s been a rough time for Olivia (or, as rough as a time can be for a pretty rich white girl). She lost her deal with Sephora, and her patent for her own beauty line was rejected because of “vague language” and poor punctuation. Sad! But, strangely enough, Harvard is citing this as one of the exact reasons they sought her out. Harvard University spokesperson Chadworth Kensington III said, “As an institution that prides itself on not seeing color or socioeconomic status, a prospective student who can’t spell is the exact type of diversity we’re looking for.”

Some people might be confused or even angry about Harvard’s decision to give Olivia Jade an honorary degree. After all, she will be joining the likes of Steven Spielberg, James Earl Jones, and George H.W. Bush—and for what? A failed Sephora collaboration? A Youtube channel whose videos probably (I haven’t watched) open with “Hey guyssss”? Is this really what society is coming to in 2019? 

But Harvard insists Olivia is the perfect person to receive this honor. “As you know, Harvard has a longstanding tradition of celebrating dropouts,” says Kensington III. And one of the main pluses of getting an honorary degree is that you don’t actually have to go to class, or step foot on campus at all, meaning it’s the perfect setup for Olivia. 

In recent days, reports have been swirling that Olivia Jade is furious with her parents over their actions on her behalf, but now she is looking to rebrand herself as “The Hotter Elle Woods.” In a statement released via Snapchat Discover, Olivia expressed her gratitude for the honor in between ads for her new line of fake eyelashes: “It’s just like, just like so cool that I get to go to Harvard without actually having to go to Harvard. What, like it’s hard?”

It’s not clear how much Olivia Jade’s parents paid for this honorary degree. Some reports are saying that they paid up to $750,000 and bought a building, but Olivia Jade insists she earned this honor based on her own merit after submitting a few of her Youtube videos for consideration. She will either be attending Harvard’s commencement on May 30, 2019, or she’ll send an unpaid intern to collect her degree in her place and it will be live-streamed so Olivia’s parents can watch from prison. Sources say they are “so proud” that their daughter will become the dumbest person to receive a degree from Harvard.

All The Times Taylor Swift Spoke Out About Politics & Changed The World

In the past, people have given me shit for being too hard on Taylor Swift. I’ll admit, I’ve given her a tough time over the years, and she probably didn’t deserve most of it. Taylor, I love you, and I’m sorry. As a way of extending a little olive branch, today I’ve decided to shine the spotlight on a topic that just doesn’t get enough coverage: Taylor’s work as an icon of feminism and the progressive movement. In the era of #TheResistance, Taylor Swift is the hero we both need and deserve. Her music slaps and her videos are life-changing, but all these things she’s does for equality and justice are what truly make her a star.

In general, Taylor Swift has always been the kind of girl who checks her privilege every chance she gets. As a thin, rich, white woman, she’s in one of the most underprivileged demographic groups, but she’s found a way to thrive despite her unfortunate position in life. She’s never played the victim, and it’s rude that others would even dare to suggest something like that. She’s never held a grudge against a man, whether he be an ex or a Kanye, and I respect that. She always handles her business in private, rather than some performers who prefer diss tracks and passive aggressive social media posts. She just wants to be excluded from the narrative, and that’s the least we can do for her. So let’s talk about Taylor Swift’s most important political moments.

When She Stayed Silent During The 2016 Election

me when anyone suggests that Taylor Swift voted for Trump

Just think back to the 2016 election. While Hillary Clinton battled Donald Trump in one of the nastiest campaigns in history, lots of celebrities voiced their support for Hillary. Some pop stars like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry even spoke and performed at Hillary’s campaign events, doing their best to leverage their millions of fans into votes. Taylor Swift chose to stay quiet about the election, but that’s okay too. Sometimes, we forget the importance of powerful people staying quiet when there are lives on the line!

When She Stayed Silent About The #MeToo Movement

#TimePOY

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Back in December, Taylor Swift was honored on TIME‘s Person of the Year cover, as one of the “Silence Breakers.” Taylor’s inclusion was due to her victory in court against a radio DJ who groped her, then sued her after she talked about what happened. I’m so proud that Taylor stood up for herself, and thank god she got the same recognition as women who put their lives and careers on the line to start the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements. Taylor has been pretty silent about these movements, but again, we need to appreciate how important it is to stay silent. As one of the Persons of the Year, Taylor joined esteemed company like Barack Obama and Hitler (yes, really, Google it), and I’m so happy for her.

When She Used A Group Of Hot Women As A Marketing Tool

Taylor is famous for her girl squad, which is mostly made up of supermodels and other pop stars. It’s unclear whether Taylor is actually good friends with most of these women, but she’s certainly benefitted from their friendship. Remember the “Bad Blood” video? Taylor was surrounded by so many badass hot women, and they probably didn’t even realize that they were low-key being used. Taylor’s squad is awesome, and it’s even better that most of them are so skinny and white. This is what America looks like!

When She Didn’t Respond To Allegations She’s A White Supremacist

Unfortunately, Taylor’s reticence to speak out on political issues has caused some people to doubt her obviously liberal beliefs. Some members of the alt-right have even tried to claim Taylor Swift as their own. An article last fall made waves over allegations that Taylor was involved with white supremacist groups, and one member of such a group was quoted as saying that “Taylor Swift is secretly a Nazi and is simply waiting for the time when Donald Trump makes it safe for her to come out and announce her Aryan agenda to the world.” Taylor didn’t respond to the allegations, except to hit the (small) site (that basically nobody had previously read) with a cease and desist, because it’s not like we have an amendment about freedom of the press or anything.

When She Lifted Other Women Up By Supporting Katy Perry’s Career

Taylor famously said that there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women. Good thing she’s been so openly supportive of Katy Perry’s career! Over the years, the two have shown a lot of love for each other, and Taylor is nothing if not a great friend. Last year, on the same day that Katy released her new album, Taylor finally made her entire music catalog available to stream on Spotify. So sweet of Taylor! Very supportive thing to do, Katy must have loved it.

When She Actually Showed Support For The March For Our Lives

No one should have to go to school in fear of gun violence. Or to a nightclub. Or to a concert. Or to a movie theater. Or to their place of worship. I’ve made a donation to show my support for the students, for the March For Our Lives campaign, for everyone affected by these tragedies, and to support gun reform. I’m so moved by the Parkland High School students, faculty, by all families and friends of victims who have spoken out, trying to prevent this from happening again.

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

In a surprising turn of events, last week Taylor Swift abandoned her usual tactic of silence when it comes to political issues. She posted a heartfelt Instagram about the March For Our Lives, and said she made a donation to the campaign. Taylor usually stays so quiet about her deeply progressive values, so it was pretty shocking to see her post on Instagram about something other than an upcoming music video. Baby steps Taylor, we know this is really uncomfortable for you!

So today, let’s just chill the fuck out and appreciate Taylor Swift for who she is: a girl’s girl who acknowledges her privilege and is constantly using it to affect positive change in the world. Not everyone has to show their progressive values in the same way, and the deafening silence of Taylor Swift is like, super important. Now let me get back to listening to Reputation, and lmk if you’re selling tickets for her tour!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4); @taylorswift / Instagram (2)

The Complete Biography Of Lauren Burnham

This season on The Bachelor, we watched as Arie Luyendyk Jr. fell in love with Lauren Burnham, a technology salesperson from Virginia Beach. Their deep, emotional connection couldn’t be denied, but we never got to learn too much about Lauren’s past. She’s a woman of few words, but today we’re excited to bring you her origin story, like it’s never been told before. This harrowing, completely true story will make you ponder the very meaning of life, in a way only Lauren could. This is Lauren Burnham: The Complete Biography.

The year was 2011. A dorm room. The newest prototype in a long line of cyborg robots awakened for the first time. Her highlights were perfect, her manicure pristine. She was Lauren Burnham and, much like Jesus Christ, she had risen. With a face that was simply a copy-and-paste job of every hot white blonde girl who came before her, she was ready. As Lauren crawled out of bed for the first time, it took her a few minutes to stand confidently on her mechanically engineered legs. She wasn’t used to the feeling of being human, or to feeling anything at all. This lack of deep feelings would never truly go away.

The room was sparse, with nothing but a closet full of flowy tops, a curling iron with which to make barrel curls, and a desk with a folder on top. Lauren opened the folder, and inside she found all the details of a fully-formed human life. Volunteer experience at a food bank and a Christian outreach center. A high school boyfriend to whom she was briefly engaged. A second-degree black belt in tae kwon do. Lauren memorized all the information, but quickly forgot most of it. She would spend the next seven years mostly dodging questions about her past, instead choosing to change the subject with interesting conversation starters like “this is so cute” and “it’s so quiet” and “wow”.

Lauren Burnham spent the first four years of her existence at Old Dominion University in Virginia, where she mysteriously made friends, despite her aversion to speaking words or doing anything interesting. She earned her degree in psychology, which came easily to her since all she had to do was download the DSM-5 to her internal hard drive. She was fun and carefree during the days, before returning back to her room to charge her batteries. Each night she slept for 9.5 hours, the amount of time required for a full charge. Lauren tried to pull all-nighters a few times, but someone would always find her lying lifeless on the quad and panic.

Following her graduation, cyborg Lauren entered the real world. She worked at a Michael Kors store, started a home staging business (whatever that is), and dabbled in marketing, but she hadn’t yet discovered what she was really sent here to do. She voted for Trump, sensing that he was the right choice for a robot just trying to get ahead in this world. For about a year, she dated a professional hockey player, Christopher Crane, and they were also engaged (her second failed engagement). In the end, Lauren just didn’t have the depth of emotion to fulfill Christopher, so she moved on.

She moved to Dallas, got a job in sales at Vonage, and became the Lauren we know and barely tolerate today. As her robotic system matured, she got even blonder, started saying even less words, and was finally ready to fulfill her true purpose in this world: winning The Bachelor. After getting selected for the show, all she had to do was refresh her vocabulary of pre-loaded phrases, and she was good to go. Really, all Lauren had to do to win Arie’s heart was be blonde, and that was one thing she could certainly do. This was what Lauren was made for, what she was designed to do, and there was no way she would fail.

Now that Lauren has fulfilled her destiny and won the heart of Arie Luyendyk Jr., there’s no telling what her next mission will be. Maybe she’ll focus on world domination, or maybe she’ll just try to learn another 12 words. Either way, her Bachelor victory is truly a testament to how far A.I. technology has come in the past few years, and we can’t wait to see what’s next.

Images: Giphy (2)

11 Ways To Tell Your Ex You Miss Him

Just because you broke up with your ex doesn’t mean it has to be over. You might have made a mistake breaking up with him, because let’s face it, nobody’s perfect—especially not you. If you find yourself wanting your ex back, it’s probably a sign he wants you back too. You should definitely let him know how you feel, because he’ll probably feel the same way. There’s so many ways to tell him, and we think you should try all of them. What do you have to lose? Nothing. Not even your dignity. You’re nothing without a man, so go get your man back!

 

1. Make a Spotify playlist that takes him through the story of your relationship. Starting from “I Knew You Were Trouble” by Taylor Swift and ending with “Against All Odds” by Mariah Carey. Send it to him via email with the note “This made me think of us.” He’ll see from the 142 songs you handpicked that you spent time thinking about him, which will force him to think about you, or at least think about how you spent all that time thinking about him.

2. Post an enigmatic status on Facebook like “Thinking of warm Rio nights and wishing your arms were still around me” so he’ll see it and remember how you went on that luxurious trip to Rio together. He’ll be flattered all your friends know you’re missing him, because even if you didn’t call him out by name they all know who you’re talking about.

3. Post a #TBT photo of the two of you with the caption “wish we could go back to the way it was”. Making it to the #TBT is a high honor and he’ll feel lucky to have been included in this weekly ritual. Maybe he’ll even text you asking for a copy of the pic! You would text him but he blocked your number so you don’t have it anymore.

4. Walk by his work around lunchtime everyday until you “accidentally” bump into him. Then when he asks you what you’re doing there, just tell him you had an interview in his building. The thought that you might work near him will ignite the sparks in his heart again. He’ll be fantasizing about an office romance with you and won’t even wonder what an art major would be doing in a financial building in Wall Street.

5. Give him a custom calendar out of printed out screenshots from your text convos with him. Make sure you circle the important dates in the calendar such as “first kiss”, “first blowjob”, “that time you left me in a Whole Foods because you told me I was too needy” so he can reminisce on the good memories you had together while also knowing exactly what day it is.

6. Get him something way too expensive for his birthday like a laptop computer or Hamilton tickets. Some people say exes shouldn’t be friends, but then who would you spend all your money buying birthday presents for? Don’t just get him a small gift because he might misunderstand and think you’re trying to be friendly. Make sure the gift is so expensive it will make his parents feel uncomfortable if they found out. Also, the more of a necessity the gift is, the better. So you know he has to use it. And he’ll think about you every time he puts that Canada Goose on.

7. Comment on all his photos with the emojis with the heart eyes and like all the compliments he gets from other people. But only the girls. This will send the message to the other girls that you’re the leader of his comment section, and if they try to flirt with him you’ll be watching. He’ll see you doing this and think it’s sweet you’re protecting him from all the fake bitches following him.

8. Tag him in posts that are vaguely related to him. If you see a cute video of puppies swimming for the first time, tag him in it so he knows you thought of him. If it’s an inspirational quote about how you should never give up, tag him in it because he’ll think it’s sweet you want him to be inspired. Basically, any chance you get to tag him in something you think he might like, do it. He’ll appreciate you’re thinking about him so much.

9. Ask him for help writing your Tinder profile. Naturally, he knows you the best since he’s the last person that dated you. Ask him to help you pick the best pictures and write your bio. He’ll realize as he’s doing so that you’re a great catch and ask you to get back together with him in no time. If he doesn’t, you can tell him you’ll help him with his profile and sneak a peek into his DM’s to see if he’s dating someone prettier than you.

10. Call his mom regularly to catch up. His mom loves you, because who doesn’t? Just because you’re broken up doesn’t mean you can’t stay friends with Carol. It’s not weird that you’ve been shopping with her the last four Saturdays since you broke up with her son. You know that she talks to your ex even more than you do, so if she likes you then chances are high that she’ll mention you to him. He’ll see how well you two get along as a sign that he should give your relationship another chance.

11. Write a song about him that goes platinum. If you write a hit song that’s so popular it’s playing in Duane Reades, he’ll never be able to escape it. He’ll hear it on the radio while he’s driving and realize that you’re not over him. Then, when you accept your Grammy award for the number 1 platinum song you wrote about him, wink at the camera and say “It’s not over, it was never over”. His heart will melt and he’ll be yours forever. 

A Love Letter To Ed Sheeran, Fire Crotch And Fire Starter In Our Pants

We all spend many hours each day lusting over Ed Sheeran, who’s indisputably the most desirable man on Earth. Not only is he an amazing musician, but he’s also extremely sensitive, kind, charming, sensitive, thoughtful…and did we mention he’s extremely sensitive? It’s so sweet. Unlike the much cooler and stereotypically attractive men in your life, someone like Ed would treat you like his most prized possession and never, ever let you down (or give you up). Clearly Ed Sheeran is the ultimate bae, and at the risk of giving you a heart attack from the amount of cuteness here, we’re going to share our top reasons why.

1. He’s an international superstar, but still constantly talks about how he wasn’t cool in high schoo, which shows us he’s totally over it.

2. He’s very mentally stable, as exhibited by this enormous tiger tattoo on his chest.

3. He’s been good friends with Taylor Swift for years, another sign of his sanity and impeccable taste.

4. Those who know him say he’s a really nice person—like, obsessively so. Just ask this kitten.

5. And if you started dating him, he’d constantly smother you with sweetness by only speaking in his beautiful song lyrics.

…Even after it got old really fast and you were no longer able to have actual conversations.

6. He’d wake up at the crack of dawn every morning to serenade you with his guitar.

7. Sometimes you’d wake up in the middle of the night and feel his intense eye contact already on you.

8. Actually, he might be standing outside your window right now.

9. He’s a hopeless romantic, as in he’ll never give up hope in trying to date you even after you issue a restraining order.

10. He’ll chase you forever until you can’t escape because he’s Ed Sheeran: the most adorable, perfect person ever and the ultimate bae!

Read: Why Anne Hathaway Is the Coolest Actress Of Our Generation
 
Why Meghan Trainor Is Our Idol In Every Way

Hey guys. I’ve got something I need to get off my chest. I’ve said some mean shit about Meghan Trainor in the past (here, here, and basically every day in casual conversation). I’ve called her “fucking obnoxious” and repeatedly trashed her outfits, her music, and her personality. And I was wrong.

First of all, Meghan can fucking sing. Her voice kind of sounds like a mix of Adele and Beyoncé but better, you know what I mean? She definitely doesn’t sound like a nasally goat—wherever would you get that idea? Meghan says her music is inspired by everyone from Frank Sinatra to T-Pain, and boy does it show. Her music is also amazing to dance to, with sick beats AND catchy lyrics. But more than that, Meghan’s songs are soooo empowering. Seriously, when will your fave have lyrics like this: “My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise / So bless me baby, achoo.” So inspirational. Like, she just rhymed Tom Cruise with the sound of a fake sneeze, that’s some Kanye level shit. Or here’s an even better one: “My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no.” One central theme of her songs is repeating herself over and over again, which is great because you really get the inspirational message that way.

Queen Meghan’s music is #onfleek, but so is her fashion. Before, we gave her shit for wearing a brown dress to the Grammys, but now we love it. Brown is actually the most flattering color, who knew! Her two favorite red carpet looks are head-to-toe glitter and lace, which we especially love when paired together. Our fashion advice is always more is more! Our favorite look of hers was this gorgeous mummy looking gown that combined both brown and glitter!

 

Meghan Trainor at Marie Claire’s Image Maker Awards 2016 https://t.co/k9UwJFqbkH pic.twitter.com/lxYcmRpp11

— FirstLook App (@FirstLookLive) January 13, 2016

So chic we could die!

But easily the most important part of Meghan is her tireless feminism. She solidified her status as an icon in the fight for equality early on, with her hit song “Dear Future Husband,” which sadly did not receive the many Grammys it deserved. The song is a testament to the values of a modern woman, like pining for a husband and thinking about how awesome it’ll be to have a husband and not caring about much else besides finding a husband. Here at Betches we think women with careers are okay, but we have much more respect for a girl who just wants to find a man and then sit on her ass for the next 30 years. It’s 2017, you’ve earned it! So move over Emma Watson, there’s a new feminist icon in town, and she has an ass, which she constantly reminds us about.

So thank you, Meghan, for all you’ve done for us, and keep up the good work. Sorry you couldn’t hang onto Charlie Puth, but you’ll probably hook up with a decently cute ex-boy band member soon. Best of luck in 2017, I’m always rooting for you!

The ‘Girls’ Characters Ranked By Betchiness

It’s no secret that we at Betches loveee HBO’s Girls. I, mean, what’s not to love about 4 fuck ups college graduates in their 20s living in Brooklyn and dating bros who have less of a career than them? Omg such inspirations.

And since the series finale is coming up in a few weeks and the Girls are finally getting out of Brooklyn (I assume) let’s rank them in terms of betchiness, k?

7. Elijah

Being v talented and knowing you’re talented AF is the definition of a try-hard and sooo not betchy. Like, can you please be a little less self-absorbed and stop putting down your best friends with fire one-liners?

6. Marnie

Like Elijah, Marnie is also a try-hard. At one point she even owns a gym membership to Equinox and takes back an ex-boyfriend solely because he gets rich AF. So shady, Marn.

P.S. ^^Sure, Jan.

5. Jessa

It’s so not cool that she stole Hannah’s boyfriend from her. Like, you may have a cool AF accent and travel everywhere and have rich parents and a trendy drug problem but that does NOT mean you can play with other people’s hearts, Jessa.

4. Shoshana

There’s something about this girl (perhaps the neurosis?) that just says: “I totally want her to rush my sorority.”

3. Adam

Watch out, Chuck Bass! We’ve got another fuckboy to rival your top spot on our TV fuckboy list. Just because you have money, Bass, doesn’t mean you can buy Adam’s charisma.

What a poet. Ladies, am I right?

 

Read: The Top 10 TV Fuckboys Who Ruined You Forever
 

2. Ray

He’s so wise and down to earth and he’d definitely never let someone he’s dating treat him like shit like the rest of the losers on this show.

Like, ever.

1. Hannah

Aka the biggest betch of them all. Hannah is, like, so talented and such an inspiration for modern women. I mean her work ethic is v impressive.

She even wrote a book that is definitely not sad or handwritten.

She’s nailed the art of #215 the Humble Brag.

And she’s definitely the sexiest character on the show too.

She’s always up on the latest fashion trends.

Seriously, where did you buy that shirt, girl?? Fingers crossed they have it at Urban Outfitters.

And of course they way she lifts up her friends during hard times is what really seals her betch fate.

You can sit with us, girl.