The Most Random Celebrity Couples You Forgot Were Married

If you’ve been having a great week so far, I’m about to ruin it with a depressing statistic from the American Psychology Association’s website: “About 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” Call me crazy (just kidding, I’m very sensitive), but I feel like the not-at-all-compatible celebrities who think getting married sounds like a fun thing to do between projects are at least partially responsible for this wildly depressing number of failed marriages. I mean, did Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton really place a vial of their blood around the other’s neck and think, “Yep, this is my forever!” I wonder what they did with the blood necklaces after they called it quits. Can they just throw them in the trash or is that, like, an unsafe disposal of bodily fluids? Anyway, I shouldn’t be singling out Angie and Billy Bob for getting married when they should’ve broken up, since they are just one of many celebrity couples who did the same thing. Don’t believe me? Keep reading for this list of celebrities you forgot were married.

Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise

We obviously all knew about this legally binding f*ck up, but it’s still shocking. Honestly, good for Tom for scoring such a dime, but Nicole, what the hell were you doing? Maybe Tom Cruise was not as horrible-seeming then as he is now, but I will never understand this relationship, especially since two adopted children came out of it. What’s more, neither Nicole nor the children (who are actually adults now) acknowledge each other. That sounds really sad. Like, if Nicole Kidman was my mom (Nicole, if you’re reading this, I’m available for adoption), I would definitely make sure that everyone I’ve ever met knew that. 

Even though all parties alleged that their differing views on Scientology (the kids are believers and Nicole is not) did not influence their unfortunate familial situation, I think we all know that it’s probably got to do with the reason they don’t talk. Not that I’m a relationship expert, but I feel like before they got married and adopted kids together, Tom and Nicole should have discussed how they felt about being in a cult highly publicized and controlling church.

Jennifer Garner & Scott Foley

Jennifer Garner and Scott FOley

I don’t remember this genetically blessed mess because I was 10 years old when they got married, but I am kind of into it. They met in 1998 and separated in 2003, which is pretty good considering I’ve never been with someone for more than like, two years. Whatever, I’m not bitter. Unlike celebrities today **ahem, Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande** they kept their relationship and breakup pretty private, so no one really knows why they ended, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s because Jen got very famous and Scott did not. In any case, Jen leveled up with Ben Affleck, but in classic celeb fashion, they got divorced too. Too bad, so sad. We were all rooting for you!

Elisabeth Moss & Fred Armisen

Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen

Not to blame the failure of another celebrity marriage on Scientology, but there’s a reason these two ended it, and I have a feeling it’s because one of them **cough Offred cough** is a Scientologist. Moss once told the L.A. Times, “Looking back, I feel like I was really young, and at the time I didn’t think that I was that young. It was extremely traumatic and awful and horrible. At the same time, it turned out for the best.” Yep, it’s usually considered a good thing when something you look at as extremely traumatic and awful and horrible comes to an end. 

They met when her Mad Men costar, Jon Hamm, hosted SNL (Fred Armisen was a cast member) in 2009 and she was in the audience supporting him. They got married a year later. I feel like it’s just never a good idea to get married after only a year of meeting each other. What is with celebrities and rushing into marriage? I didn’t even want to meet my ex boyfriend’s family a year after we had been together because I thought it was too soon, and I’m glad, because we ended up breaking up like six months later! Anyway, I guess it was an awful marriage considering she has no problem airing their dirty laundry to a national newspaper, so it’s probably a good thing these two called it quits.

Wiz Khalifa & Amber Rose

Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose

I am still sad they are no longer married. They were so good together and they’re still very good friends. Why couldn’t they just make it work? “Things happen and sometimes as much as you love each other, you’re better off as friends,” Rose told PEOPLE after the pair split in 2016. “I feel like we can be the best of friends but we just can’t be in a marriage together. And that’s okay, because as long as Bash is happy, and we’re able to co-parent, that’s the most important thing.” I mean, that’s a beyond mature way to look at it and I wish I could do the same thing for my failed relationships. Personally, I just pretend that all my exes died after things didn’t work out, but maybe I’ll give this “friends” thing a try. Even though they are no longer together, I will always think fondly of Wiz and Amber as the cutest couple since they always looked genuinely smitten with each other. 

Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton

angelina jolie billy bob thornton

Like our friends June Osborne and Fred Armisen, these two thought getting married after a year of knowing each other sounded like a swell idea. I think it makes a little bit more sense for these two, though, since they were both rebellious wildcards in the late ’90s. One good thing came out of this super bizarre pairing: Maddox, their adorable adopted son, who can now vote in this year’s election. F*ck, I feel old. The two blamed their split on their vastly different lifestyles: hers a little more global and his a tad more…agoraphobic. That’s probably something you’d find out had you waited longer than two seconds before agreeing to marry each other, just saying. Not that it matters, but he was also 20 years older than she was, and considering she was only 24 at the time, it’s not that shocking that they broke up pretty quickly.

Alanis Morissette & Ryan Reynolds 

Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morisette

This one is the most random in my opinion. She’s a 90s icon and he’s a current icon, but they’re only two years apart. Hmmm. Also an important thing to note is that they did not make it to the altar—but they were engaged, so I’m counting it. More on that, Morissette one said that her breakup with Reynolds was her “rock bottom.” I get that. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds would definitely be my forever lowest point. We’ll never know why they broke up, because a source close to the couple said shortly after the breakup, “They ask that their privacy be respected surrounding this personal matter,” which is honestly rude to all of the people who became as invested in their relationship as they were and need to know the details so that they (I) could move on, too. 

And there you have it: the most random celebrity marriages. Are there any that I missed? Probably. Let me know in the comments!

Images: Getty Images (2);

Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston Responded To Rumors They’re Getting Back Together

It’s been 14 years since Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt separated due to “irreconcilable differences” (whatever TF that means), and I am still feeling the pain. But the rumor mill has continued to turn ever since that day. While talk has been around since September that they were canoodling and so were their exes, Angelina Jolie and Justin Theroux, new evidence has been found that further verifies their relationship. While it does not directly confirm the theory that the legendary late ’90s, early 2000s couple is back together, it definitely doesn’t deny it. We’ve come a long way from the “I Hate Rachel Green” club and honestly, I am here for it. So if you want to know the facts, specifically what Pitt had to say about it, read on so you can be the most up to date on the Jennifer Aniston-Brad Pitt relationship status.

The History

Back in 1998, Aniston and Pitt went on their first date. How did the two meet? They were set up by their agents. If you can think of anything more Hollywood, please let me know. They tried to keep their relationship quiet, but that obvs didn’t work so well. A year later, in September of 1999, the couple made their first public appearance at the Emmy Awards. Two months later, the couple announced their engagement. In July, the couple got hitched in a Malibu ceremony.

In May of 2004, the plot thickened when Pitt starred in Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Angelina Jolie. In January of 2005, Pitt and Aniston call it quits. Since then, the two both re-married and got divorced, Pitt to Jolie, and Aniston to Theroux.

The Rumors

Ever since Aniston announced her split from Theroux, people have been questioning whether it had anything to do with Pitt’s separation. Especially since she admitted to keeping notes from Pitt during her marriage to Theroux just days after announcing her separation. While the two relationships ~seem~ mutually exclusive, no one really knows in Hollywood. There’s a TON of double-dipping, if you know what I mean. But a year after ending her marriage, Aniston celebrated her 50th birthday with a star-studded party. And guess who was one of the A-listers spotted? Brad Pitt.

The Newest Rumor

But wait, there’s more. A brave paparazzi asked Pitt what we’ve all been dying to know. I would have asked him myself but I lost his number. Ugh. But anyway, when the actor was walking to his car in L.A. on Friday, this brave soul asked, “I gotta ask you, everyone wants to know, are you and Jen getting back?”

Pitt casually laughed off the question and said, “Oh, my God.” I mean, that isn’t a no, right?

Jen’s Side

During an interview with Bazaar published on Monday, Aniston was asked if she was dating. Well, they actually asked if she was on OkCupid, a rather strange choice of framing a question but whatevs. Regardless, she quickly denied it. “Am I on OkCupid? No. I have zero time, to be honest. My focus has been on the show, so dating has not been one of my first priorities. I feel like whatever looks like, it will present itself, and it’s not about seeking it out, you know?” said Aniston.

Since they are both single, there’s no time like the present to rekindle their love. Let me know in the comments if you ship Paniston (or Anitt …?).

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

There’s A Conspiracy Theory That Angelina Jolie & Justin Theroux Are Dating

You read that correctly. The Hollywood rumor wheel has struck again, this time at the hands of the classic trio Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Since Jen separated from Justin Theroux earlier this year, reports have circled that Brad and Jen may be rekindling their long-lost (and publicly adored) love. If this is true, then the “I Hate Rachel Green Jennifer Aniston Club” is no more. But the juiciest part of this whole rumor? Justin Theroux and Angelina Jolie may be the newest Hollywood couple. The history of these two couples is more complex than keeping up with Kylie Jenner’s hair color, so here is a handy timeline.

The Divorce Timeline

March 2005: The world was devastated to learn that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston had decided to divorce, and Brad immediately gets together with Angelina Jolie. Ever since, whenever Brad and Angie are in the tabloids, they seem to drag Jen into the story as well. (This article is no exception.)

August 23, 2014: Although they’ve been together for 10 years prior, Brad and Angelina officially tie the knot. The couple refused to marry until gay marriage was legalized. Hats off to ya.

August 5, 2015: Jen and Justin started dating in 2012 and privately got married in 2015 at a ceremony “disguised as a party for family and friends to celebrate Justin’s birthday in a bid to keep people from discovering they were tying the knot.” Sneaky.

September 2016: Brangelina file for divorce.

Brad and Angelina Divorce

February 11, 2017: Jen reportedly received a birthday message from her ex-lover (aka Brad slid into Jen’s DMs). TBH this wasn’t that sketchy until reports arose that Brad didn’t actually have her phone number. Instead, he had to go through a whole list of people in order to get it. That seems like a lot of effort for just an innocent birthday message. Brad, if you just want to f*ck, then just say it.

March 1, 2017: Us Weekly reported that the exes have been texting, but said that “Justin is OK with them being friends.” Aww poor Justin, so naive. If only someone told him that texting your ex is a red flag.

August 2017: Brangelina’s divorce is put on hold. A US Weekly source said, “Everyone thinks they are going to get back together … It wouldn’t be surprising if they announced that they’re calling it off and trying to work things out.”

February 15, 2018: Jennifer and Justin separate, releasing a statement that said: “This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year.”

September 2018: Almost two years after initially filing for divorce, it has yet to be finalized. Angelina’s attorney submitted papers to the court stating that she wants a judgment “returning the parties to single status during calendar year 2018.” Does anyone else find it a weird coincidence that Brad and Angie’s divorce is re-introduced just a few months after Jen and Justin’s? Hmmm.

Jennifer Aniston "Interesting"

Marriage Rumours

Although many sources discredited the rumors about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being back together and possibly remarried *gasp,* I believe all Hollywood tabloid stories have some element of truth that reveals itself eventually. In Touch published a story saying the couple married on their 18th anniversary this past summer. But since Brangelina are technically still married, this couldn’t possibly be true. But I’m at least hoping these rumors have some sort of truth to them.

We Are Psychics

I’m not going to say Betches predicted the future but… Betches predicted the future. On March 1, 2017,  the Head Pro wrote an article shortly before Brangelina’s divorce was put on hold in August of 2017. The article stated that Brad and Jen are “basically back together.” Although the rumors of the two rekindling their early 2000s romance and possibly re-marriage didn’t circulate until almost a year later, the Head Pro was ahead of the rest of us. Maybe fortune telling is a better career option for him? Real talk, though, the only people who know how long Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have been “seeing each other” is Jen and Brad. So when (not if) you guys want to go public with your old new relationship, call me so we can be the first to report (or email us at [email protected]). Again. Thanks.

Brad Pitt Kiss

Angelina’s Revenge

Now for the cherry on the sundae. While Brad and Jen are enjoying their relationship, Angelina reportedly got in contact with Justin. She set up a date with Jen’s ex while Angelina was in New York and the two really hit it off, as reported by New Idea on September 14. Idk how reliable this source is, though, since I’ve never heard of New Idea. Or maybe we are just ahead of the celebrity news game like last time. Believe what you want.

Angelina Jolie

Images: Giphy (4)
Are you like, super into conspiracy theories? What about cults? True crime? Then you’re in luck. On October 1, we’re launching a new podcast that will talk about all of those things. It’s called Not Another True Crime Podcast. Follow us on Instagram at @natcpod and Twitter at @natcpod for more info. 

Brad And Angelina Are Reportedly Getting Back Together

While most of the world is still recovering from the tragic news of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris’ breakup, we, the hard-hitting journalists of the world, have different celebrity couples to move on to. Namely, Brad and Angelina, and why they might not be calling it quits after all.

Are you okay? Did you faint? Yes, you read that correctly. Brangelina, power couple of the century, adopters of seven million children, human rights pioneers, might be giving it another shot. Let’s discuss.

It’s been 11 months since Angelina first confirmed the divorce was happening, when she said that it was “for the health of the family.” The world momentarily stopped turning and we definitely shed a tear or 100, but now there are new developments. According to reports, they haven’t moved forward on the divorce in several months, and it seems unlikely that they will anytime soon.

Tears Of Joy

Sources say that Brad got sober to try and win Angie back, which sounds like no fun but also, like, good for him. Angie supposedly read about his changes in his GQ story in May and had a change of heart. What, he couldn’t just text her that he was sober or slide into her DMs like a normal person? Whatever. In the story, Brad repeatedly uses “boozing” as a verb, which makes us slightly uncomfortable in the way that our dads saying “lit” makes us uncomfortable, but it’s the thought that counts.

Also, last month in an interview for Vanity Fair, Angie said that the divorce has been the “hardest time, and we’re just kind of coming up for air.” What does all this mean?? Why are all these developments happening through magazine interviews? Sorry to all you girls who are still Team Jen Aniston, but it looks like Angie and Brad might be back together. Thank god. Just when I was starting to think love is a construct invented by the film industry and we’re all sitting in a rock hurtling through space *puts down blunt*. Now I can die happy, as long as this doesn’t mean a Mr. & Mrs. Smith sequel.

Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston Are Basically Back Together

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at [email protected].

Justin Theroux—actor, director and screenwriter. Soon to be added to that resumé? Cuck—and not in the way alt-right Twitter eggs use it to criticize people they don’t like. I mean in the actual sense of “someone is about to be sleeping with his wife. That’s because, according to the ironclad US Weekly, former dreamboat William Bradley “Brad” Pitt has reportedly started texting his first ex-wife and eternal childless sad person, Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston

We all know how this goes. It’s a matter of when, not if.

US Weekly‘s source, perhaps out of deference to Justin, paints this as an issue of emotional support. Brad “has confided in Jen,” reveals the source. Apparently, Brad is having a hard time with his divorce from Angelina, because his divorce from Jen was just a walk in the park I guess, and he and Jen “exchanged a few texts reminiscing about the past.”

Christ, how many times have you—me, us—done this after a breakup? When someone stops touching your (lady)boner, the first place you turn is the last person who willingly touched your (lady)boner. When he’s “reminiscing about the past,” he’s not talking about the weeks they spent kayaking in Fiji. He’s talking about the time he ate her out in the bathroom at TGI Friday’s.

Besides, Brad is acting WAY too thirsty for someone who just needs a shoulder to cry on. He reached out to her with a birthday text, but he didn’t even have her number—he obtained it through a “tangled web of contacts,” which is anonymous source speak for “he slid into her DMs on Instagram.” Below, our visualization of said sliding:

Jennifer Aniston

Have you ever had a guy slide into your DMs and not try to fuck you? I thought not.

Soon-to-be-cucked Justin Theroux is admirably (laughably? pitifully?) taking this on the chin with all the false wokeness a man can muster.

“Justin is OK with them being friends,” notes the insider. Besides, the source adds, he knows “Jen just wants to be nice.”

Ha. Hahahahaha. Bro, your wife’s ex isn’t her prom date or the guy she lost her virginity to. It’s Brad Fucking Pitt. Like, this dude shit all over your wife in the absolute most public way possible. If, even after all these years, her response to his texts is anything other than “go fuck yourself,” or the above “eat a dick,” she’s clearly just as thirsty as he is.

RIP, Justin Theroux’s pride.

Head Pro texts his exes but it’s totally platonic and it’s kind of unfeminist of you to think that men and women can’t be platonic friends. Email him at [email protected].

Brad Pitt Is Texting Jennifer Aniston Again, Just Like Every Fuckboy Post-Breakup

This morning US Weekly reported that Brad Pitt is texting Jennifer Aniston again, because if there’s one thing that’s extremely predictable in this world, it’s how fuckboys recycle their exes. Pitt, who divorced Aniston in 2005 after being married for five years, conveniently wants to get in touch now that he’s going through another messy divorce with Angelina Jolie and battling for custody of their children he was accused of abusing back in September. How cute.

The details of this are literally exactly what you’d expect, but I guess we can go through them anyway. It all starts with Brad tracking down Jen’s number in order to *cringe* wish her a happy birthday on February 11th. This is by far the most pathetic and cliché excuse to get in contact with an ex, and I would’ve respected a 2:39am “U up?” text significantly more. I can’t even imagine what his thought process was while constructing this message: “Sorry we haven’t spoken in years because I cheated on you and married the other woman but I hope your 48th birthday is the best one yet! (Birthday cake emoji)”

15 Signs You’re Dating A Fuckboy

The source further revealed that, fucking duh, Brad wanted to do more than offer a disingenuous birthday wish and began confiding in Jen dumping all of his emotional garbage onto her. He apparently “told her he’s having a hard time with his split.” It’s funny because no one knew that divorces could be difficult and emotionally traumatizing, especially not Jen—OH WAIT.

So all of this is unfolding like clockwork and you get the gist of what’s happening here, including Jen’s justification for responding that she “just wants to be nice.” NO, JEN! *screams every woman in America* There are times to be nice (not that I’ve ever witnessed one but that’s what I’m told), and this is NOT one of them. Enabling fuckboys just makes them grow stronger and douchier, which is the exact opposite of what we want. The only thing Brad should be seeing in response to these extremely lame texts is “Read at 11:54am.” Stay strong, Jen! Someone out there has already started a KickStarter campaign to help you; I’m sure of it.

The Ex-Boyfriend Life Cycle