It’s that time of year again! We’re gathering during a global pandemic to celebrate the creation of one singular country that’s never equally valued its inhabitants!
Things haven’t been ideal for a while—dating apps are free but Photoshop costs money, our infrastructure is literally falling apart, and buying a house involves….paying way more than the house is worth as an offering to the house gods who may still reject you?! Feels like a scam. But you want to be around people while making it clear you don’t want to be around people for America.
Don’t be a party pooper, though. We just really need this after a year indoors, on Zoom, with our sh*tty roommates. And you know you love to party more than you hate it here! So ignore the current sociopolitical climate and the fact that the United States hasn’t been tolerant… ever (and intermittent quality doesn’t make up for overall lacklusterness!), and down these 4th of July spirits to forget you have no 4th of July spirit!
Watermelon Blueberry Cool-Your-Nerves-About-Being-Around-More-Than-Two-People-In-a-Semi-Enclosed-Space-Oh-God
It’s been a while since you’ve been around this many people. Forget about your social anxiety with some sweet watermelon mixed with blueberry vodka to calm down those red-hot nerves.
Red, White, and Blew It Protecting Your Financial Data Spritzer
Add a cute raspberry garnish to some white wine and voilà!—you’ll sip down so many of these delicious drinks you’ll forget Russia probably has all of your bank info because of poor government oversight!
Campari Basil Moderna Mojito
The subtle red, wide, and blue shades of this drink will help your memory lapse about last month’s Moderna side effects. We’re still in a global pandemic, in case you forgot.
Blueberry Daiquiri with Cherry Garnish (Your Wages)
That rent moratorium will end soon, and if you can’t pay your rent or the loan you’ll have to take out to pay the rent you can’t pay, then what? Restarting repayments on student loans is the fun, fruity cherry on top. Loan forgiveness? Never heard of her!
Layered Voter Suppression Shooter
One part grenadine (to make the redlining go down smoother), one part Blue Curacao (to highlight the bitterness of inequality), and vodka whipped cream on top (reppin’ white supremacy). This delicious 4th of July treat is meant to show you the layered nuances of our voting system, and then promptly put them out of your mind and down your throat hole.
Jell-O™ Shot Summer
They’re red. Or pink. Or whatever. Who even cares? Enough of these babies and you’ll forget not enough people are getting vaccinated and the Delta variant is spreading.
Blueberry Rosé Sorbet Wish We Had a Voting Day Holiday
Prepared correctly, this will probably turn out purple, but does that really matter? Representation is important—put a sparkler in it.
Berry Float-Your-Nurses Mimosas
With the Delta variant picking up speed, hospitals will float all available nurses to specialized COVID units! But why worry about that? Float your worries away with this frozen blend of berries and as much clear rum as your liver can take! Forget your immune system entirely!
Mix raspberry and blue raspberry syrup with pineapple vodka in a tall-ass glass and light the whole thing on fire. Light your backyard on fire. Light everything on fire. You hate it here.
This 4th of July, stay safe, stay sunburn free, and stay blacked out until the DOJ finishes sorting out Georgia!
Image: Simone Wave / Stocksy.com; Elena Veselova, Elena Shashkina, Pinkcandy, ShotnCut
Hey girl, wanna quarantine & chill? Welp, hope so, because you don’t have much choice. Trump has urged Americans to limit gatherings to 10 people or less. Quarantining ourselves will help keep COVID-19 from spreading, and it’s especially important for young people to take on this responsibility, as we are often carriers who can spread the virus unknowingly to elders or people with other health conditions, who are more likely to experience serious effects from the disease.
While some of us are working from home, and many of us are stuck without work or paid time off (send love and cash to any service workers/independent contractors you can!), most politicians are still out in these streets. I guess they have a duty to fulfill in these dark times…let’s see if they can rise to the occasion.
But since we’re home, we’ve decided to spend some time coming up with how some of our most beloved and most despised politicians would spend their quarantine & chill time. Let the games begin!
Bernie is going to take this time to get set up on the Youtube so he can continue making videos once again asking for us for our financial support. His wife, Jane, will be his videographer, and they will go widely unseen since Bernie doesn’t realize it’s all about the TikTok at this point. He will ignore Hulu’s repeated recommendation that he stream “Hillary.”
Bernie will also, of course, take this time to really lean into his bedhead and socially distance himself from any type of hairbrush or comb. Jane supports him in this journey because their love is pure.
Liz will be damned if this quarantine stops her from being productive. She’s color-coding her closet, reorganizing the food pantry, doing her friend’s taxes, and making spreadsheets simply for the fun of it.
If she, her husband, and Bailey want to watch a movie? You bet your sweet ass Liz has made a PowerPoint presentation breaking down which options are best and why.
Liz will, of course, continue coming up with bulletproof political plans that will go underappreciated by the American public.
Things are finally as God intended: Pence is at home with Mother, away from any other nasty woman’s presence.
Here, Mother can provide Pence with the 8 glasses of warm, whole milk he requires per day, while she reads him the Hyde Amendment (the legislative provision barring the use of federal funds to pay for abortion) out loud to soothe him. All is well.
Mitch McConnell will treat social distancing the same way he treats his time on Capitol hill: by ignoring the many bills currently on his desk that could literally save lives. He and his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, will further map their path to corrupt the federal entire government until McConnell is exposed to the virus, after which he will retreat back into his shell to self-quarantine for 14 days.
Tbh who fucking knows, but I can confidently predict he would go on live TV and say something like, “I spent my quarantine time like I did every Christmas as a kid: riding my tractor down to the graveyard to have chicken fights with Ol’ Man Popsicle Stick, who, have you me, under many things, as they say, would not, on account of, you know, the thing.”
No amount of social distancing can stop this content queen from setting Twitter ablaze with her hot takes. Anyone with a bad take is getting retweeted WITH comment and dragged to clap back hell.
No internet troll is safe. No conservative commentator can hide. She’s coming for you.
Hopefully sitting in a corner and thinking about what she’s done. And then regretting it.
That’s all I’ll say on that.
Speaking of Susan Collins…
You just KNOW Brett is the guy who is going out to crowded bars and getting blackout, even after we’ve been told to socially distance ourselves.
Nothing can stop him from going out with his boys Tobin, Squi, and P.J.!!! Time to chug some beers and FSU because this is AMERICA and no one can tell him no (and if they do it will not compute).
A GoFundMe has been put together to provide RBG with a glass box, a la the one Joe locks his victims in in You, but obviously less creepy and fully equipped with everything Ruth needs for her daily workouts.
Food and water will be brought to RBG by a person in a hazmat suit, who will deliver it through a small opening in the box. Again, much like Joe from You, but with the intent to keep this woman tf alive, not to kill her. She is routinely let out so she can be measured for the top-secret, Bloomberg-funded RBG clone that we are definitely not making.
Cory Booker gets to spend his quarantine time the way we all wish we could spend ours: with Rosario Dawson. The two are finally together without the distractions of his busy political life and her busy celebrity/being a perfect person life.
With this extra free time, Cory will of course continue to pursue his passion of tweeting out bad jokes about coffee. Fuck it, he might just turn it into a passion project and make a coffee table book full of lame coffee jokes. The perfect present for all of our dads.
"Sleep" and I broke up a few nights ago. I'm dating "Coffee" now. She's Hot!
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) May 29, 2009
Maxine Walters will be reclaiming her time, tyvm.
Social distancing as president is what Trump had always thought this job would be like. He’s locking himself in his room, ordering all the McDonald’s fish fillets in the greater D.C. area, stockpiling Diet Coke, and watching Fox News.
Melania is pretending to have COVID-19 as an excuse to not be near him.
At long last, peace, quiet, and a lack of total responsibility. America is finally great again.
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Images: Giphy (5)
Ah, July 4th: a time in America where our differences are put aside (until we get belligerently drunk) so we can chug beer, wear really questionable American flag attire, listen to Kid Rock, and set things on fire/explode anything in sight as a show of respect for our founding fathers. Navigating a barbecue when it comes to your diet, of course, is nothing if not explosive and dangerous. I mean, how are you supposed to know what’s actually good for you and what will probably make you gain five pounds immediately? We’ve rounded up the five best and five worst foods you’ll see at the barbecue this weekend, so, you’re welcome for ensuring you stay skinny in your American flag bikini.
BEST: 1. Watermelon
Wanna stay hydrated while destroying things in America’s name? Best get you some watermelon. Not only does it have like, zero calories, but it’ll keep you feeling and looking great (see: not bloated) while your brother tries to blow his fingers off with firecrackers.
2. Grilled Chicken Wings
Note all three words in that name—GRILLED being the main one. If your host is throwing wings on the grill, opt for salt and pepper over a dunk in some sauce. It’ll be essentially the same as regular grilled chicken, but you can still feel cute eating it sans the shit on your face and hands.
Our boring friend water saves the day again. Obviously you’ll be wanting to hit up the bar, but chugging a few bottles of water between your snacks and drinks will keep you from diving into the macaroni salad or brownie tray. Plus, setting off fireworks and nearly losing fingers is exhausting, so like, be hydrated.
Shit, there should be platters of those blueberry and strawberry kebabs celebrating the land of our ancestors all over and self-respecting July 4th barbecue. Fill up on all this shit before the real food even comes out since we’re talking super limited calories but lots of fiber. Same rules apply for the crudités plate that’s otherwise getting no love. Take advantage of the situation and load up on the earth’s bounty, bitch.
5. On The Rocks
Skip the beer and the mixed shit and put everything on the rocks if you don’t want to be bloaty and farty on July 5th. Instead of your typical 300-plus-calorie margarita, pour some tequila over ice with a splash of lime (or, if you’re like me, a whole bunch of limes). If you’re feeling rum or vodka, put it over ice with some fruit cubes you can steal from the fruit platter everyone is ignoring. Thomas Jefferson would have done the same shit.
WORST: 1. Fried Chicken
As we said during Memorial Day: Anything that’s coated in buttermilk, flour, butter, and spices and or some combo of that shit and then deep fried isn’t going to do you any favors when you step on the scale tomorrow. We understand that America was totally founded on life, liberty, and the right to be obese, but trust us when we say no one wants to grease dripping down your torso while you’re standing there in a bikini.
2. Potato Salad
Benjamin Franklin wouldn’t have eaten this shit, so you shouldn’t either. If you see a mayo-coated potato salad, just say no. If for some reason you’re
dying to be a fatass craving carbs, eat ONE hamburger bun or like, be annonying and make your host nuke a potato for you in the microwave for 6-8 minutes (the poor man’s baked potato). Potatoes have been on our shit list for a long time, so adding the word “salad” to the end does not make it any better.
The summer barbecue is not the place to show off your shot-gunning skills. Beer will bloat you, obviously. Although, if you need the beer to numb your feelings, opt for a light one. Grab a Coors Light or a Corona over the dark Guinness or Amber Ales. Who TF even brings Guinness to a July 4th party, though? You should call Immigration on them.
I am convinced that ranch was conceived by enemies of AMERICA and given to us in an effort to make everyone so fat that they literally can’t fight a war. Whoever did introduce is winning, too (the south will never rise again). A quarter cup—which you could easily consume if you’re standing and dunking every piece of celery into this shit—weighs in at 220 calories and 22 grams of fat. Ditch this shit immediately.
5. Hot Dogs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hot dogs are fucking disgusting and they should not go anywhere near your mouth. They are made up of “poultry trimmings” aka mystery meats and filler plus water and corn syrup. Why is there corn syrup in your dinner meat? These are questions you should never have to ask. On top of that, all those chemicals in hot dogs could give you cancer. Even if you can’t think that long term, all that sodium—a Hebrew National will cost you 1,223 mg, AND THAT’S THE 97% FAT FREE KIND—will definitely make you bloat. I know hot dogs are like, the cornerstone of America, but I think they are also to blame for at least half of all the issues that currently plague our nation. Namely obesity. Just don’t do it.
I know the drill. You’ve got a bunch of 4th of July BBQs to attend, and you want to bring something that will really wow people because you want to distract everyone from your lack of a summer body/want to impress Brad/I don’t really care why tbh. Well, I’ve got something that will be sure to impress (and get you wasted): red, white, and blue Jell-O shots. It’s what our founding fathers would have wanted.
Brace yourselves: this post is long. Mostly because I don’t have faith in anybody to not fuck this up.
- 3 boxes of Jell-O: 1 blue raspberry, 1 of any red flavor (cherry, strawberry, raspberry, IDGAF), and 1 clear* (more boxes if you want to make more than, like, 30 shots in total. Warning you now: one box of Jell-O doesn’t get you very far. If this is a big party you may want to double the recipe).
- 1 handle of vodka—If you buy the shitty vodka that comes in a plastic bottle, PEOPLE CAN TELL. No need to ball out, though—stick with Smirnoff and you’ll be fine.
- 3 juices that correspond to each different color of Jell-O that you bought, i.e., blue V8 for the blue, red fruit punch for the red, and just like, Sprite or some shit for the clear. IDK, something clear and somewhat flavorful. The clear ones are going to come out rough—deal with it. Note: DO NOT USE HAWAIIAN PUNCH. That shit is disgusting. It will botch your Jell-O shots. I would know; I’ve done it before.
- 2 pots *said in the 2Chainz voice* …actually I lied you only really need 1 pot; I just wanted to make that joke.
- Those little Dixie cups kids use to brush their teeth with OR those paper ketchup cups OR disposable shot glasses OR whatever you can find. Basically you just need a small plastic cup-like structure that’s not too rigid or else no one will be able to squeeze the shots into their mouth. Be creative. I’ve used mini cupcake molds in a dire situation. It really doesn’t fucking matter.
*clear Jell-O is hard to find but I promise it exists.
Finding all this shit may be hard, but the good news is making Jell-O is so easy, even a caveman you can do it. I’m prefacing this by saying that these aren’t regular Jell-O shots; they’re good Jell-O shots. I know this because I am honestly kind of famous for these things. I’m sort of an urban legend. But anyway, I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but I’ll tell you my secret.
So when you make regular, non-alcoholic Jell-O, you mix 1 cup of hot water with 1 cup of cold water and then the mix. Easy. Now, most idiots making Jell-O shots just sub out the cold water for their liquor of choice and call it a day. WRONG. That is how your Jell-O shots come out tasting like rubbing alcohol and regret. SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. For Jell-O shots that will taste delicious and still get you fucked up, you still replace the cold water with the alcohol, but you also REPLACE THE CUP OF HOT WATER WITH ONE CUP OF JUICE.
This is why you can’t be choosing flavors all willy-nilly. You have to put some thought into it. Maybe buy more packets of Jell-O than you need in case you fuck up the flavor profiles. Can you tell I take this way too seriously?
And now I will no longer be invited to parties since I gave away my long sought-after recipe. JK, I’ll still get invited because I’m a fucking good time. But anyway, for those of you who lack the powers of deductive reasoning, here’s your step-by-step guide to making these patriotic Jell-O shots. Please note, these are not for the layered Jell-O shots pictured above, but for red and white and blue ones. As in, separate colors, separate cups. I’ll get to the fancy shit in a sec.
1. Get your pot. Measure 1 cup of juice. Pour into pot. Put it on the stove on low heat, and when that shit starts to boil, stir in your Jell-O mix until it’s dissolved. This should take like, 2 minutes (btw this is all on the box in case you forget).
2. Once it’s dissolved, remove the pot from heat. Measure your 1 cup of vodka and pour it in the Jell-O/juice mix. Stir.
3. Pour that shit into your cups. Put it all in the fridge. Wait like, 5 hours.
4. Rinse and repeat (like literally rinse the pot) 2 more times.
If you want to get really fancy, you can do three-layered Jell-O shots, like so:
It’s the same as above, only when you pour the first layer of mix into the cups, only fill it like 1/3 of the way, fucking duh. Then—and this is the important part—you need to wait for each individual layer to solidify a little before you pour the next layer on top of it, which—double important part—NEEDS TO BE COOL. NOT HOT. Basically, if you try to pour hot Jell-O over not-gelled-Jell-O, instead of a nice layering effect, everything will all melt and mix together and you’ll have a gross brown (or purple?) mixture. Ew.
I can feel that I just overcomplicated things. Know what? Let’s leave the layering to the professionals. Aka, me.
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Since leaving office, Barack Obama has stunned us all with both his vacation and fashion choices. While we all watch as the new administration descends into a fashion abyss (Kellyanne Conway’s nutcracker outfit will give me nightmares for years), the Obama family has been making us miss them more and more by coming correct to every single photo opp available. Like, who can forget the photo of tan Obama windsurfing? There should be a painting of that in the White House TBH. I mean, once the current administration is out of power, which could be any day now (please?). Now, as far as fashionable Obamas go, Barack was always last on the list, not through any fault of his own but just because boring man clothes were never going to compete with the perfection that was Michelle Obama, or the I’m-A-Cool-Girl-President’s-Daughter style of Sasha and Malia. A suit, no matter how well tailored that suit may be, was just never going to compete with Michelle Obama dripping with white feathers, or Sasha and Malia in Coachella chic. It just wasn’t going to happen.
But since leaving office (ugh don’t remind me), Barry O has been able to shed the suit game in favor of some far more fashionable options, and the results have been stunning. We examine these choices below:
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Today Donald Trump released his America First budget proposal for 2018 and, Nazi-ish name aside, it’s…extra. Could 2018 be worse than 2017? Will 2017 be worse than 2016? This budget signals that the answer is yes. Most of it is the shit that we’ve all come to expect from President Twitter. Huge increases in defense spending, funds to bill the wall, and a giant financial “fuck you” to things like clean air and poor people (Just be rich already!!!!).
Now before you go all freaking out and trying to snag a husband on Canadian Twitter, you can chill a little bit. Take a Xanax. Calm down. This budget isn’t necessarily what is going to happen, it’s just what Trump wants to see happen. It’s like when you went away to college and told your parents you were going to need another $500 per month for social events and dinners and they countered that buy buying you the slightly more expensive meal plan. All we need to stop this budget from happening is for a couple republicans in Congress to stand up to Trump’s agenda and—oh wait you’re right, we’re totally fucked.
Like most government things, Trump’s actual budget proposal is really long and boring. As if Trump has ever read anything that’s 62 pages long in his life. So, in order to explain something that is boring that we hate, let’s use something that is entertaining that we love—in this instance, the Kardashians.
$52.8 Billion Increase In Defense Spending
Yep, the U.S. military—aka the greatest military force in the world—is going on steroids. Because that’s what the world needs: a roided out America with a reality TV star calling the shots. This would make sense if we were like…in a war. So basically, the US’ entire foreign policy is about to be:
$44.1 Billion Increase In Homeland Security
The Dept. of Homeland Security handles immigration enforcement and counterterrorism, so it make sense that our dear leader has such a boner for them. Given that increased ICE raids already have immigrants cancelling their food stamps for fear Trump will deport them, this one is like, actually pretty…
$1.5 Billion To Build The Fucking Wall
So yeah, Mexico ain’t payin’ for shit. We’re paying for it. Our taxes are going to pay to build a wall along our southern border even though 40% of illegal aliens enter our country via airplane and 58% of illegal immigrants are not from fucking Mexico. So, yeah:
$5.7 Billion In Cuts To The EPA
Take a good look outside your window. Do you see a tree? Savor that tree. Imprint its memory into your mind. That tree, and all others of its kind, might not be around for very much longer. But hey, at least the increase of oil spills that render the ocean unswim-able will prevent tragedies like the following one from ever happening again:
$27.1 Billion In Cuts To The State Department
If increasing military spending by $52 billion didn’t make you think, “hmm sounds like the president wants us to go to war,” then maybe $52 billion in military spending paired with $27 billion in cuts to the State Department—aka diplomacy—might get you there. So yeah, now that their budget is slashed, you can expect all our foreign service professionals to be rolling into Russia like:
$17.9 Billion In Cuts To Department of Agriculture
The Dept. of Agriculture is generally in charge of all the USA’s farm chores. Which might have you thinking:
Yeah, so that’s a Corinne meme and not the Kardashians, but you see why we had to use it.
Anyway, one of the USDA’s most important farm chores is looking at the food that you eat and making sure it’s like, safe and shit. They’re also responsible for making sure that all the amazing shit in your mom’s medicine cabinet actually works and won’t fucking kill you. So start stocking up on the good shit now, and maybe get one of those Pinterest window gardens going now so that you know the strawberries you’re eating are really strawberries and not just playdough in the shape of a strawberry. This is obvi a huge problem because:
Eliminates Funding For 19 Federal Agencies
The biggest “fuck you” to the world in Trump’s budget comes from the complete elimination of funding from 19 federal agencies. But I’m sure these agencies are like…totally useless right? Like, they’re basically the carbs of agencies, and America is trying to get its bikini body. Let’s take a look now at exactly all the empty calories Trump will be eliminating from the American diet. So next time some agency gets all upset about losing funding, Trump can be like:
African Development Foundation: Because Africa is obviously developed at this point. I’ve heard they even have the internet in some cities.
Appalachian Regional Commission: I thought Appalachia was Trump country? Could it be that the president doesn’t GAF about his supporters? Or maybe he’s just like:
Chemical Safety Board: “Chemicals are safe. Period.” — Sean Spicer in two years when the chemicals in wet wipes burn a baby’s face off.
Corporation for National and Community Service: Umm I did enough community service after my underage drinking charge in college, tyvm.
Corporation for Public Broadcasting: Sorry, Big Bird. Try getting a real job, asshole.
Delta Regional Authority: Don’t know what this is. Apparently has to do with “regional economies.” Now regional economies be like:
Denali Commission: Provides job training and other economic development to rural communities. The same rural communities that voted for Trump because they have no jobs? TBD. Either way, they’re lame.
Institute of Museum and Library Sciences: You know this one is because a librarian shushed Trump in sixth grade and he never forgot it.
Inter-American Foundation: Funds development projects in Latin America and the Caribbean. Because like, the Kardashians already went to Cuba. The region is good.
Trade and Development Agency: The USTDA helps “create U.S. jobs through the export of U.S. goods and services” so like…wait…isn’t that Trump’s whole thing? I’m lost.
Legal Services Corporation: Strange considering how many lawyers Trump has needed just in his first 50 days as president.
National Endowment for the Arts: Shoulda listened to my uncle when he told me a Liberal Arts degree wasn’t worth shit.
National Endowment for the Humanities: Again. Should have listened to my uncle.
Neighborhood Reinvestment Corporation: All neighborhood investment will now be done via bake sale.
Northern Border Regional Commission: This one makes sense. What Canadian would try to cross over our border at this point anyway? Any Canadian in the U.S. is almost certainly like:
Overseas Private Investment Corporation: Seems like something he would keep but then again the word “overseas” is in there so…
U.S. Institute for Peace: Truly can’t think of a single reason why this would be necessary.
U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Okay cool so we’re gonna stop helping homeless people now? Okay…
Woodrow Wilson Center for International Scholar: Again, anything with the word “international” must go, even if it is one of the top 10 think tanks in the world.
So, there’s a whole bunch of other shit in this budget, but this article is quickly becoming a novel and given the cuts to arts funding, I’m not writing a fucking book for free, but to sum it all up:
And, for no particular reason, this post has moved you to call your representative in Congress. You can do that here.
Congrats fam, we officially made it through week one in Trump’s America. Barely. There’s been a lot going on this week, most of it horrifying and awful. Let’s outline the most important things, because there’s a lot to keep track of. For more news delivered straight to your inbox three times a week, sign up for The ‘Sup.
President Trump has wasted no time getting to work on the Mexico border wall, one of his most consistent campaign promises. He’s still adamant about Mexico paying for the wall, even though the Mexican president is like “fuck no” and even canceled a meeting with Trump.
On Thursday, the White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer (he’s a mess and a half) said that the President was considering a 20% tax on imports to pay for the wall. This received immediate backlash from literally everyone (Republicans included), because it would likely raise prices for American consumers and would also be a violation of NAFTA. Not so good. So now they’re not so sure about the tax, but this all boils down to the same point: MEXICO ISN’T PAYING FOR THAT FUCKING WALL. Also, do not fucking come for my tequila and guacamole.
During his campaign, Trump talked endlessly about a “Muslim ban” that is probably not actually constitutional at all. Last week, he announced plans to block immigration from seven countries with majority Muslim populations. But don’t worry, it’s not a total Muslim ban. Of course, Trump was careful to exclude the countries he has personal business ties with. This includes Saudi Arabia, even though the majority of the 9/11 terrorists were Saudi. Sounds fair.
Of course, Syria is one of the countries on the list, because God forbid we help some refugees. Trump still says he’ll “absolutely do safe zones in Syria,” but he hasn’t made it a priority to talk about how that might actually happen (hint: it won’t). Protests erupted at JFK and other major airports around the country this weekend when we learned this ban was already being put into effect (that was fast) and those with valid documentation, including green-card holders, were being detained. Trump’s bullshit executive order received another blow Saturday night when a judge in New York granted an emergency stay, temporarily halting the deportation of those being detained. Also, the ACLU is suing him. Sorry Donald, I guess the president can’t just do whatever the fuck he wants. Maybe you should have like…looked that up before taking the job?
While Trump has spent his first week in office dealing with some major issues, he’s also spent a disturbing amount of time on one of our least pressing issues: popularity and voter fraud. Of course, there’s the clear lie that his inauguration was the most watched ever, but we’re not here to talk about Kellyanne “Lying Ass” Conway and alternative facts.
Trump’s new favorite thing to talk about is voter fraud. He maintains that there were millions of illegal votes cast in the election last November, even though there is literally zero evidence to support this, and HE WON THE FUCKING ELECTION. Basically, his ego can’t handle the fact that he lost the popular vote, so all those extra Hillary votes must have been cast by dead people and illegal immigrants. He’s now promised a “major investigation” into voter fraud, so that should be fun and not at all a waste of time and taxpayer money.
One of his favorite things to bring up is that people are registered to vote in more than one state, which is actually perfectly legal, provided you don’t vote twice. He should really try talking to his daughter Tiffany, who herself is registered in two states. But let’s be real, Tiffany probably doesn’t even have his real phone number.
We hope you all got IUDs before the inauguration, because the next four years are basically going to be a war on your reproductive system. Early last week, Trump reinstated something first done by Ronald Reagan called the Global Gag Order. It’s about as fun as it sounds. Basically, if any organization uses any money to perform or even provide information about abortions, they won’t get any funding from the United States government. This has been standard practice for every Republican president, but Trump has broadened the focus to include any government assistance, not just from the State Department.
This executive order could have a major impact around the world on women’s ability to access safe healthcare and reproductive care. It’s not just about abortions—these organizations will lose funding altogether. To add insult to injury, Trump signed the order surrounded by a half-dozen white men and (you guessed it) zero women. Buckle up ladies, shit’s gonna get rough.
It’s looking more and more like this presidency will also wage a war on science and knowledge. This is tremendously disturbing, and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting better. Government Twitter accounts for the Department of Agriculture and the National Parks Service have been ordered to stop tweeting factual information about things like climate change, and some Twitter accounts have been completely shut down.
In one of the better things to happen this week, real MVPs the National Parks, NASA, and more than a dozen agencies have started rogue Twitter accounts, determined to spread truth. Keep fucking shit up, we need people like you.
Last week, Trump also ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to stop giving grants, because like, why protect the environment anyway? What’s the point? It’s not like we all live here, on this planet. The freeze was lifted later in the week, but the fact that it happened in the first place could be a troubling sign of things to come.
THINGS TO COME
We’re just getting started. The Affordable Care Act will be repealed any day now, so go to the doctor while you still can, and who the hell knows what will happen with that border wall? All fun things. Stay strong Betches, we’ll get through this. Maybe. Honestly we’re not even sure anymore.
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