Kansas City Chiefs Kicker (not Mr. Taylor Swift, another one) made waves this week for a graduation speech at Benedictine College in Kansas. In the speech, Harrison Butker covered so much ground – the government’s botched Covid response, how evil IVF is, how he’s too polite to talk about how he hates trans people or Pride Month, how priests are too into their dogs (this one seems fair), and – most famously – the importance of traditional gender roles. First, Butker said the women in the audience were likely most excited about becoming mothers (oops!). But he didn’t ignore the men, either, telling them to: “Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men. Do hard things. Never settle for what is easy. You might have a talent that you don’t necessarily enjoy, but if it glorifies God, maybe you should lean into that over something that you might think suits you better.” (I had no idea kicking a football glorified God so much! I guess I’m not surprised.)
This speech got a ton of criticism, and a teensy tiny amount of support. (Senator Josh Hawley of Running-Away-from-J6-Fame was desperate to show off that he was friends with a football player.) Despite the haters, Butker has much to gain from all this exposure. After all, he’s proven himself the Manliest Man of All. There are a ton of products he could get sponsorship deals for – as a Real Man – including the following:
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- Zyn: This nicotine patch has been described as “Adderall for Men,” which makes no sense, because men can take regular Adderall. And yet, it’s manly. Real Man Harrison Butker would be a great sponsor.
- Christian Mingle: Based on what Butker said about his wife, he may soon be single, which would make him the perfect spokesperson for this app. Real Men Mingle.
- Any brand of ineffective razor blades: Real Men shave regularly but stay hairy. Butker is the ideal conduit.
- Flasks: Real Men Flask.
- A Bouquet of Bacon Jerky: Too obvious for me to even explain. Real Men Jerk.
- Infinite Jest: The publishing industry’s in trouble; let’s have Butker try to get this one trending again. It’s the book of Real Men backpacking through Europe everywhere.
- Smokeless Fire Pit: I once stumbled upon these while trying to get my fiancé a birthday present. I’d never heard of them, which means they need a celebrity sponsor…and Butker, a Real Man, is perfect.
- Chain Saws: Real Men cut things down!! Like other people’s mailboxes.
- Woodworking while listening to Ke$ha: Real Men build things, to any soundtrack.
- Explaining IPAs: A beer company could run an infomercial at next year’s Super Bowl in which Butker explains the difference between IPAs and regular beer. And if the brand can’t afford six minutes, he could just say what “IPA” stands for, tear his shirt off, and flash his chest hair to the audience. Like a Real Man.
- Joe Rogan: In a world in which Real Man Rogan weren’t the most popular podcaster alive (aka, a nicer world), Rogan might need a celeb to influence for him. Butker would be perfect.
- Donald Trump: That gag order’s really getting him down – maybe Butker could speak for him? Real-Man-Translates-Real-Man.
- Raw Beef: Real Men eat raw beef!! Someone has to!!!
- Yelling loudly while beating his chest: This is an activity in desperate need of a spokesperson. And something only the Realest of Real Men do.
