‘Tis The Damn Season To Watch The Sexiest Holiday Movies
Oh, the weather outside is frightful (thanks, Global Warming), but inside, it’s getting oh-so-hot with these sexy holiday movies. That’s right, it’s Christmas, also known as the sexiest time of the year. I’m not talking about mistletoe, or that dark corner fondle with a co-worker at the holiday party (stop sexting me on Slack, Jeff). I’m talking about CHRISTMAS MOVIES, because really what else do you expect me to do with my time? Get hot and bothered in your childhood bedroom with these steamy scenes featuring Mr. Napkin Head, Santa-I’ll-gladly-climb-his-lap, and Kristen Stewart — duh. Here are the sexiest holiday movies, so charge up your… ahem devices, and start streaming sugar plum!
Hot Frosty (duh)
Gretchen Wieners and Ethan from 90210? Okay, okay, you’ve got me. So, a woman accidentally brings a hot sculpted snowman to life using a magic scarf, and they have fun times and romance. He spends so much of this time shirtless, and I am not complaining. I think the entire snowman plot is just so he can easily overheat and have his muscled arms out at all times. Jack Frost walked so this man could pick me up and throw me on a bed.
The Merry Gentlemen (shirtless Chad Michael Murray!!!!)
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It is MR. CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY and he is teaming up with Britt Robertson to save her parents’ small-town business. What an original idea! Well, yes, because she’s saving it with male Christmas-themed strippers? Look, I’m not complaining. When this many sets of six-packs appear on my screen, I do not complain in the slightest. Love, sex, and Christmas, I say.
Meet Me Next Christmas
Layla is a die-hard Pentatonix fan (they exist) who has a deal to meet this hot guy at their Christmas concert if they’re both single. Girlie gets dumped right before and goes on a wild goose chase to find a ticket to the sold-out show. But in the meantime, she starts getting the feels for the professional concierge Teddy (they exist too). Two hotties for her to choose from. My only criticism is that it should’ve ended a la “Why choose?” if you get my drift.
The Holiday
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There are several universal truths in this film. The first is that those kinds of houses are never gonna be available on house swap sites. The second is that a month in Kate Winslet’s cottage could cure all of my mental health issues. The third is that every single person wants to shag Mr. Napkin Head. Don’t deny it; just look at Jude Law (with and without the napkin) and sigh. I am the equivalent of a cat lapping up milk when I watch him in this film. I had a friend who watched this film about fifty times in a year, and I guarantee without Jude Law, that number would’ve been halved, if not more.
A Bad Moms Christmas
Okay, as a very intentionally childfree woman (shoutout to my IUD), I must confess that I ironically, unironically love the Bad Moms films. Kathryn Hahn? Kristen Bell? Booze and strippers? Sign me up. Christmas sequels are meant to be terrible, but this one is just so much fun. And while there isn’t as much sex as one would hope, it is raunchy, and the hot Santa stripper can come get it anytime.
All the hotties in Love Actually
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Where do I even start? Dear Santa, for Christmas I want a Love Actually themed orgie. I’m kidding!!! One at a time, fellas. Hugh Grant as the prime minister? As if I’ll ever turn away this man. Colin Firth as the bumbling writer? We can read each other’s writing naked in bed. Liam Neeson as a caring stepfather? Let me raise your child and warm your sheets. Bill Nighy as an aging rockstar? Smash, sorry!!! The porno couple? Need a third? KARL??? YES, YES, KARL. I could go on and on, but I’ll end by saying Martine McCutcheon as “chubby” Natalie was misrepresented, and she is HOT TO GO.
The Best Man Holiday (I’m still sad!!)
Obviously, this is a SAD movie, and I am very SAD about the devastating plot line. But I need something to quench that sadness, and that is Morris Chestnut. In a film about old friends coming together, affairs being reignited, and secrets being revealed, this hunky man had my full attention. When he was shirtless, I truly understood the meaning of Christmas. Peace on Earth, yep, yep, yep. I plan to cook a turkey on those muscles.
Miracle on 34th Street (1994 version, sorry boomers)
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This is one of those films you’ve probably never intentionally watched, yet know by heart. It’s just always on TV. Also, I’m not sure how the whole institutionalized storyline flies nowadays, but he is the real Santa Claus, so I guess it’s okay? But we’re not here for him, we’re here for Dylan McDermott. This man birthed the slutty turtleneck trend, and I thank him profusely for it. This is how intellectual bros think they look wearing one. Ugh, and that little smirk gets me every single time. This is the reason I can never change the channel on this film.
Jack Frost (hear me out cake edition)
I always wonder what is going to ultimately get me canceled, and it might be this. But can this be a “we listen, and we don’t judge” space? Michael Keaton in this film. Yes, before he dies… but also as a snowman? People have legit claimed this film is their gay awakening, and I just can’t blame them. That cocky snowman can get it. People do sex play with ice cubes, so I really don’t see why this is so different.
If Die Hard counts as a Christmas movie, then Bruce Willis counts as sexy
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Look, it takes place at Christmas, right? That is the basis of any Christmas movie. Only this one has terrorists, hostages, and lots of guns. It also has Bruce Willis, and I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say this, but… smash? Those slutty little tank tops do it for me. This is the perfect sexy Christmas film to watch with your significant other. Plus, the role-play speaks for itself.
Carol (said every straight and queer girl simultaneously)
I’d like to report a crime, the crime of this film being so SEXY and so underrated. Carol and Therese meet, feelings develop, kisses happen, girlies undress, and so much more. It explores the treatment of homosexuality in the 1950s, and yeah, it’s Christmassy. It’s also very sensual and one of the best sapphic romances I’ve ever seen.
Happiest Season (for my girlies)
Okay, strong points of this film to start. Kristen Stewart embracing her iconic lesbian status. Aubrey Plaza plays a queer woman. There are various jokes about being in the closet. It’s hot; I had to pause at Kristen in that white tank top and take some deep breaths. But, that said, I have a bone to pick with this film. Because Kristen’s girlfriend is not a good person, no, and she deserves better, aka AUBREY PLAZA. So just finish the film ten minutes early, and you’re fine.
Violent Night (murderer but hot)
Hot guys aren’t the only thing that gets my blood pumping; terror does the job as well. I’m honestly surprised we don’t have more Christmas slasher films. Everyone’s feeling a little murderous this time of year. David Harbour, as Santa Claus, saved the day and made me realize several things. Firstly, I totally get it now, Lily Allen; yep, he is hubby. Secondly, is it possible that I want to do some Santa role-play? I’m gonna need to approach that in therapy. Anyway, go watch buff, badass Santa in Violent Night.
Holiday in the Vineyards
Okay, this might just be the horniest Christmas film out there. The plot is…it’s erm, there. Basically, a layabout heir to a bargain wine production company is sent to spy on the town that’s selling the only vineyard they don’t yet own. He ends up staying in a hot widow’s house who also happens to be the real estate agent for the vineyard. There are a lot of coincidences and anti-capitalistic rhetoric, but they do some sexy dancing and spend 98% of the film thirsting for each other.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (I’m sorry, the truth must be revealed)
This has been my favorite Christmas film since I was little, and it’s only in recent years that I realized the Grinch was maybe giving me feelings… the kinda feelings you get standing near the jets in a pool. He’s the original grumpy, pessimistic love interest, and those fingers look very dextrous. If you’re not ready to go green, then don’t deny that Christine Baranski as Martha May Who is Whoooo-lightful. In fact, most of the Whos do the trick, as those lil noses are adorable, and I love a hot rhyme as dirty talk.
The Knight Before Christmas (save this wench)
Idk if it’s the fantasy girlie in me, but the whole medieval theme is doing it for me. Like I’m just a damsel in distress, and I want a knight to come save me — so done with finance bros. This knight time travels and Vanessa Hudgens helps him adapt to the modern day. When they do pottery together, I can feel the sexual tension through the screen. Forget him staying in the present. How do I travel back in time with him?? I have a chin that only the 1500s could appreciate.
Holidate
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS FILM. It feels Christmassy even though it covers various holidays. Emma Roberts and Luke Bracey (aka Glen Powel’s lookalike) make a deal to be each other’s dates for holidays, and obviously, sexy times happen. The chemistry is a true Christmas miracle. Also, it features Grey’s Anatomy’s Jessica Capshaw, THE Kristin Chenoweth, and Nicola Peltz, aka Beckham??? Shut the front door and get me the pirate costume pronto.
Eyes Wide Shut
This is once again a case of “it happens at Christmas, so it must be a Christmas film.” It’s most definitely sexy and probably has the most sex scenes on this list. Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, infidelity and sex cults, and many more strange antics. Not one to watch with the family, no matter how much your mom loves Nicole Kidman (we all do).
EXmas (Blaire Waldorf?!)
Leighton Meester (also known as Adam Brody’s wife and THE Blaire Waldorf) breaks up with her fiance but still goes to spend Christmas with his family. He surprises them by coming home and is rather unpleased to find her there. It’s giving lovers-to-enemies, a bet, and lots of sexual tension. That pillow fight was almost better than the actual sex scene. Oops… spoiler? Or excuse to go watch this film immediately.
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Let’s round things off with a CLASSIC. Starting and ending at Christmas, this is the best romcom ever made, and I will not hear otherwise. Bridget is a sex icon in her mini skirts and massive panties. Hugh Grant and Colin Firth are giving me serious “Why choose?” energy. Especially with a new installment on the way, this is the year to revisit this classic. Bridget Jones is fun, sexy, and a classic movie for family time.
Topics: Holidays, Movies, Relationships, Sex & Co.
Fleurine Tideman