The Dancing With the Stars season 34 cast features an eclectic crew of nepo babies, mormon wives, influencers, and musicians, and we got our first glimpse of their dancing skills last night! I gotta say: the judges (Derek Hough, Bruno Tonioli, and yours truly) were pleasantly surprised by this batch of amateur dancers. Certain contestants have come a long way after just a few weeks of dance boot camp. As I enjoyed the thoroughly entertaining premiere, I got right to work ranking the top performances.

My personal favorite celeb performer of the evening was Dylan Efron (purely based on hotness and charm). But his actual dancing to “Milkshake” by Kelis” was so rough that I had to leave him off the top five list entirely. Unfortunately, pretty privilege alone can’t get you the Len Goodman Mirrorball Trophy! That said, my guy is a competitor… I have tentative faith he’ll improve.

Clearly, my opinions matter more than Derek’s and Bruno’s, so let’s get right into, shall we? Here are my top five Dancing With the Stars season 34 premiere performances.

Dancing With The Stars Ranking

5. Hilaria Baldwin

Turns out all those practice sessions with Alec Baldwin were effective! Hilaria and partner Gleb Savchenko performed a steamy cha cha to “Let’s Get Loud” by Jennifer Lopez, and they earned an impressive score of 14/20. (There was a shot of Alec in the crowd, and he kinda looked like he wanted to punch Gleb…)

4. Whitney Leavitt

Listen, I wasn’t rooting for the villain of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, but her talent is unfortunately undeniable. Those high kicks? Insane. Whitney and partner Mark Ballas tangoed their asses off to Golden” from “K-Pop Demon Hunters” and blew the judges away. They earned a super high score of 15/20. Uggghhh, I don’t want her to win.

3. Lauren Jauregui

Fifth Harmony was not exactly known for their impressive dance moves (in fact, their choreo was famously a hot mess), so IDK where this professional dancer energy came from, Lauren?? Her performance with partner Brandon Armstrong was elegant, assured, and precise. Derek Hough was gagged, and they earned a score of 13/20.

2. Alix Earle

No, because when did Alix Earle suddenly learn how to dance? I’m shook. Having seen her TikTok “dancing,” I kept my expectations pretty much on the floor. But clearly, her partner, Val Chmerkovskiy, worked some magic in rehearsals, because Alix slayed their cha cha to “Circus” by Britney Spears. They earned a score of 13/20.

1. Robert Irwin

I just knew he was gonna be a star, and I was correct: The nepo baby conservationist and zookeeper has more charisma, stage presence, and dance talent in his pinky finger than the rest of those contestants combined. Robert and Witney Carson performed a jive to “Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf, and they received a winning score of 15/20. I dare say there’s a Len Goodman Mirrorball Trophy in this man’s future….