The
Betch
That
Explains
It
All

Prepping for Halloween can be very stressful and tedious, which is probably why we avoid all Party City's and Spirits until like, October 30th.

It’s getting to be that time of year where we all hesitate just before running out the door to hit up the bar.

I am so fucking happy that today is Thursday, I literally can't even.

Unfortunately, not all of us can be a Kardashian talentless-yet-somehow-insanely-rich celeb.

The beginning of fall means it's time to mourn your summer body start investing in the season's biggest staple: over the knee boots.

We’re in full swing of every thot’s fave time of year, aka fall.

There are certain beauty products we as betches can never get enough of—tanning lotions, hair masks, and occasionally, a good set of falsies will truly amp up our chances of getting triple-digit likes on Insta and a “U up?” text at 3am.

I not only hate bras more than the average woman, but I especially loathe strapless bras.

Alright guys, it’s yet another Thirsty Thursday *and* another Sephora Weekly Wow.

Tomorrow officially marks the first day of basic bitch szn fall, so you know what that means.

From Rapunzel to Kim Kardashian and Ariana Grande, long hair has been in for a while now.

I feel like the only reason anyone says they looove summer is because temperatures are finally decent enough to emerge from our six month hibernation and day drink excessively.

Shit has been hitting the fan this past week and I can barely keep up with it all.

As we head into depression fall, our summer tans we worked so hard on will fade faster than you can say, “PSL.” The idea of a tanning salon sounds great and all, but IDK about you.

Since last week, New York Fashion Week has been in full swing.

While we regret many decisions from the night before and we swear it off every time we’re hugging the toilet the next day, betches love alcohol.

In addition to the obvious reasons why fall is the best of all time (pumpkin everything, leggings err’day...etc.), the fashion is always on point.

Thank god it’s Thursday, honestly.

If there’s anything that frustrates me more than listening to obnoxious assholes chew food louder than a farm animal, it’s finding the perfect nude lipstick for my skin tone.

It’s officially September, y'all!!

The second half of 2017 is already looking better than the past few weekends months that have made my life a living hell, but what else is new it’s fine I'm fine.

National holidays are like, fucking awesome for obvious reasons.

Fall is the shit because I can wear leggings 24/7 and get away with wearing just a big-ass sweater because like, fashion.

There’s a little motto I go by when I need to remind myself that less is almost always better.

Can you imagine a time where you couldn’t remember the last time you straightened your hair?

Well, the time has come and we’ve (somehow) made it through another summer of blacking out more times than we can count from too much frosé and vodka sodas.

Raise your hand if you’re seriously sick of this suffocating heat that keeps ruining your too-expensive blowout.

Finally, the best day of the week has arrived.

Say goodbye to bare eyelids, pale pink lips, and tirelessly trying to perfect the bare minimum I-just-woke-up-like-this look.

I woke up thinking today was an ordinary Monday where I’d wake up a few minutes too late, hate everyone around me go to work, and start immediately thinking about when I’d consume alcohol next.

Every summer, we put on the longest disguise to force ourselves into wearing bright colors and having pastel manicures so no one knows our hearts are as cold as a frozen marg all year round.

I think I speak for most of us lucky betches who have hair when I say, hair is life.

Alright, guys.

Even thinking about acne makes me break out, but someone’s gotta be the lifesaver and tell us WTF is causing this shit and how to get rid of it for once and for all.

I’m not a morning person by any means, so waking up anytime before 1pm 11am honestly crushes my soul.

There’s literally nothing I love more than sales and coupons because I’m a broke bitch I like to say I’m financially savvy.

The frequency of shitty weather, less sun, and lower temps is just another reminder that the inevitable is near—*dramatic sigh*—fall.

Because girl world is basically the equivalent of wild animals fighting, there’s a handful of places wearing a full face of makeup to is frowned upon if you don’t want to be roasted in a group chat, like to bed, to the beach, or to the gym.

A betch loves shopping more than she does most people and some dogs.

I look forward to Back to School season for one reason, and one reason only: the shopping, obvi.

I’m gonna go out on a whim and say that makeup remover should be free like the tampons I have to buy once a goddamn month.

People with straight hair think they have it rough this time of year and I’m not sorry, but curly hair is really the worst of all time in the summer.

Attending a music festival at least once in your life is about as mandatory as leaving your motherland at least once.

Well, it’s officially August which means we’re headed into the dog days of summer—a time when we cram as much day drinking and rooftop bar hopping as possible into the next 4 weeks.

Hair can truly make or break you.

Your WCW is hungover every Sunday, reeks of too many vodka sodas, dreads the “Ride” of Shame in the morning but will still do it again next weekend.

I love music festivals more than the average person.

New York fucking City is not only the best city in the entire U.S., but in the entire world.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year - after Christmas, Hanukkah, my birthday, and any holiday in-between where I get gifts - the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale!

Moms over guys, or GTFO.