Rachel
Varina

Formerly one of the HBICs at Total Sorority Move (RIP), Rachel Varina has a long history of writing about things that make her parents ashamed. She's an avid lover of holding grudges, sitting down, and buffalo chicken dip. Currently, she lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. And even though she's married (with a *gasp* baby), she doesn't suck. Promise. PROMISE! Follow her on Instagram and Twitter (@rachelvarina) so she gets more followers than that influencer her husband dated in high school.

Stuff I Wrote

ATTN: Sisterhood Matters WAY More to Me Than the Intense Pain of Childbirth

By Rachel Varina

Giving birth isn’t just about the birthing partner. (This is a joke.)

If Birth Plans Were Brutally Honest And Uncomfortably Accurate

By Rachel Varina

Elective C-section. Please. Please?

Horror Story! Bride Cancels Wedding After Fiancé Sides With His Sister On Literally ~Everything~

By Rachel Varina

I’m all for wedding drama but this is an emotional train wreck.

Unfortunately, The 'Unschooling' Parenting Trend Isn't A Laissez-Faire Dream For Students

By Rachel Varina

And yes, it’s legal in the U.S.

Couple Sends Savage 'You're Not Invited' Wedding Cards to Folks Who Didn't Make The Cut

By Rachel Varina

We all know weddings are a breeding ground for drama and unexpected twists.

PSA: I'm Literally Begging You To Stop Putting Emojis Over Your Baby's Face

By Rachel Varina

Your emoji-covered baby haunts my dreams.

75 Real Moms Reveal Their Weirdest Pregnancy Cravings (Yes, Even Bleach)

By Rachel Varina

Anyone else have a visceral desire to consume raw shrimp while smelling hand sanitizer?

Olivia Culpo Is Giving "Pick Me Girl" Energy — And No, It's Not Just Because Of The Wedding Dress

By Rachel Varina

The most crucial decision any bride makes surrounding her wedding is — without a doubt — what she’ll wear for her walk down the aisle.

Bride's Boob-Forward Wedding Dress is Going Viral For Two 32F-Sized Reasons

By Rachel Varina

"Feel free to screenshot this for later 😘” is an iconic response.

Comfy Sex Positions That Won’t Require You To Stretch First

By Rachel Varina

For those days when you're feeling more sea cow than siren.

Funny Pregnancy Captions to Make the Most Out of Your ~Condition~

By Rachel Varina

Whether you’re still gazing in disbelief at your positive pregnancy test or your fridge is now wallpapered with ultrasound photos, rumor has it you’re expecting.

Man Goes Viral For Being An Asshole: Refuses To Cancel Guys' Trip To Help His Wife Move

By Rachel Varina

Who’s right, and who’s sleeping on the couch? Let’s discuss!

Hard Launching Your Baby Is The New Pregnancy Announcement — Just Ask Mindy Kaling

By Rachel Varina

Mindy is the queen at hard launching babies.

Best Postpartum Sex Products That’ll Actually Make You Wanna Get Laid Again

By Rachel Varina

This *special* vibrator made me like sex again after giving birth.

Let's Unpack *That* Viral Mother-Of-The-Bride Dress, Shall We?

By Rachel Varina

I’ll discuss both sides of the argument before declaring who is right.

Trust Me, Here Are The Best Pregnancy Sex Positions For Every Trimester

By Rachel Varina

No, having sex won't poke the baby’s brain.

Last Minute Father's Day Gifts For Your Husband That Actually Don't Suck

By Rachel Varina

Blowjobs are not on this list.

Get Your Baby TF Outta There With These Labor-Inducing Sex Positions

By Rachel Varina

Have one last orgasm before your life — and vagina — change forever.

6 Creative Sex Positions To Try If You're Bored (Or Just Feeling Adventurous!)

By Rachel Varina

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever talked to has had the sex epiphany.

Postpartum Sex Positions That Make Getting Laid Again Less Scary

By Rachel Varina

We've got you, mamas.

Anal Sex Positions That'll *Actually* Make You Want to Take it Up the Ass

By Rachel Varina

Lube = non-negotiable.

A Ranking Of TV Characters I Love But Would Despise As MILs

By Rachel Varina

Hear that, Sheila! You’re not so bad!

OB/GYNs Answer Pregnancy Questions You’re Too Embarrassed to Ask

By Rachel Varina

How common is it to shit on the delivery room table?

Here's How Often Real Couples *Actually* Have Sex While Pregnant

By Rachel Varina

Are you team Take Me Now or Don't Fucking Touch Me?

A People Pleaser's Guide To Being A Bridezilla

By Rachel Varina

Let's arm you with the tools to say "I do" without compromise.

How Do I Ask For Cash At My Wedding Instead Of Shit I Don’t Need?

By Rachel Varina

I don't need fine china — I'm not an American Girl doll!

The Best Pregnant Sex Positions For Getting It On While A Literal Human Grows Inside Of You

By Rachel Varina

I was prepared for the big boobs and strange cravings, but not being horny AF.

The Mother-In-Law Survival Guide: How To Plan Your Wedding Without Losing Your Sanity

By Rachel Varina

Consider this your cheat sheet for putting up with your S.O.’s mom.

The Elf On The Shelf Is The Fucking Worst, Do Not @ Me

By Rachel Varina

DO NOT COME FOR ME.

16 Actually Good Gifts For Moms That Aren't Just Shit For Their Kids

By Rachel Varina

Unfortunately for moms everywhere, it’s somehow already mid-November, which means the struggle to make this ~the most magical season ever~ is officially upon us.

If Your Wedding Registry Was *Actually* Honest

By Rachel Varina

Hi all! <3 We can’t WAIT to celebrate our big day and party the night away with you in just over 17 months.

A Super Chill Bride’s Feedback On The Bach Party She Said She Didn’t Wanna Plan

By Rachel Varina

Morgan, pls turn your notis on for the group chat.

Men, Do These 6 Simple Things If You Want To Be HOT!

By Rachel Varina

Nothing will put me in the mood faster than you getting groceries.

If Wedding Invites Were *Actually* Honest

By Rachel Varina

Gifts required. Travel required. 4 days of PTO required.

I Love You, But I’d Rather Do Legit Anything Else Than Sleep In The Same Bed

By Rachel Varina

Pls never touch me with your feet again.

You Know What's Hotter Than Spontaneous Sex? Scheduling It In My Planner

By Rachel Varina

Pls send me a Google Cal invite with at least a week's notice.

Shout Out To Erotica For Helping Me Get Pregnant

By Rachel Varina

BRB, stocking up my Amazon cart with smutty books and PreSeed lube.

*Cancels All Plans To Read These NSFW Books Alone In My Room*

By Rachel Varina

These steamy books will def get you through that dry spell.

Zillow House Of The Month: "American Horror Story" Meets "American Psycho"

By Rachel Varina

There’s truly nothing better than plopping down after a long day of work (re: online shopping) with your $14 salad and Zillow.

By Rachel Varina

I don’t need to tell you that Halloween is, hands down, the best holiday of the entire year.

Zillow House of the Month: Eat Your Heart Out, "Bridgerton"

By Rachel Varina

It seems to happen in the blink of an eye: One minute we’re staying out until 3 a.m.

Every "Love is Blind: After the Altar" Couple, Comprehensively Ranked

By Rachel Varina

If there’s one thing Netflix is great at, it’s creating outlandish reality dating shows starring hot people who just!

5 Women Explain Exactly What Having A Threesome Is Like IRL

By Rachel Varina

There are a lot of major firsts in a person's life, from their first big job to their first real relationship (...to the first time they got fired from said real job and dumped from said real relationship).

My Miscarriage Was Nothing Like The Movies

By Rachel Varina

Content warning: This article discusses pregnancy loss and may be upsetting to some readers.

Creative Ways To Get Off To 'Bridgerton' Season 2 Even Without The Sex Scenes

By Rachel Varina

When Bridgerton premiered back in December 2020, most of us were expecting another failed Pride and Prejudice replica.

Which Sex Toy You Should Try This Year, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

By Rachel Varina

Look to the stars.

The Ranking Of Which Bridesmaids Will Get The Most Drunk At Your Wedding

By Rachel Varina

First comes love, then comes planning a wedding, then comes hoping none of your bridesmaids throw up in the middle of the dance floor before you cut the cake.

The 9 Most Ridiculous Things About Netflix's 'Sex/Life'

By Rachel Varina

From the moment Sex/Life dropped to Netflix on June 25, horny people everywhere have been blind to the fact that it's problematic because, you know, there's a lot of sex in it.

What Excuse You Should Use To Cancel Plans Based On Your Zodiac Sign

By Rachel Varina

Blame it on the universe.

To All The Plans We Made For 'When This Is All Over' And Are Now Desperate To Cancel

By Rachel Varina

Once upon a time, the concept of leaving your house and actually doing something — anything — seemed absurd.

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