In partnership with Generation Tux.
Look, I knew that wedding planning would be stressful. I understood that it would turn into a full-time job that I would somehow have to do alongside my *actual* full-time job. (You know…the one I’m actually getting a paycheck for?!) But this has gotten ridiculous. I am about six months out from my wedding date, and I swear to god, if y’all want me to go through with this massive spectacle of a day and not just elope with my husband-to-be to some remote island with zero cell service, I have a few demands to make.
Unfortunately, as the bride, I am the main point-of-contact for this freakin’ circus. And apparently, again, as the BRIDE, I am the one who gets to field all of the stupidity: The questions, the multiple outfit try-ons, the deep opinions about updos vs blowouts. So I am officially divesting!
Below, please find my brief list of all of the things you are no longer allowed to ask me about in terms of this wedding. Please note that it will only take one slip up for me to say “forget it” and book us a flight out of this insanity. (Do *not* test me, Aunt Milly.)
Anything Having To Do With What The Groom is Doing That Day
I’m sorry, am I marrying a baby? Last I checked, my future spouse is a whole-ass adult who is perfectly capable of making his own schedule and decisions. As soon as we got engaged, I sent him to Generation Tux, told him our colors, and then washed my hands of the whole ordeal. And honestly, they make the whole process so easy even a baby could do it. (Not really, because of finger dexterity. Also I am *NOT* marrying a baby.)
Their collection of over 25 premium quality wool suits and tuxedos, along with thousands of accessory color combos, means that he can completely have control over his look. Their at-home try on is a total breeze, and their customer service is impeccable. It’s so easy that he was even able to set up all of his groomsmen with their suits. (Bonus: We get to *keep* his look because we have more than 9 paid rentals in our party.) As for everything else? As long as he is waiting for me at the end of the aisle, I don’t care about what he does with the rest of his day!
Whether They Can Gift Me Something Not On The Registry
Uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t spend the better half of an 80-degree weekend *not* at the beach but instead putting together this registry just for you to flat-out ignore it. Do you know how much I considered the price points? How much I agonized over how many stock pots were too many stock pots? Whether or not anyone would actually chip in for the California King mattress I so desperately need so I can finally get a good night’s sleep after this is all over? I swear on Andy Cohen that if you show up to my shower with a lame cake stand that I did not register for and I *don’t* get the popcorn maker that is just so hilariously stupid that I *must* have, I will lose my mind.
How My Wedding Diet Is Going
In the immortal words of one famous housewife, “How am I doing? Not well, bitch!” In other words? I am not doing a wedding diet! Yeah, I’m talking to you, my seamstress who told me to stop doing squats at the gym because my dress didn’t have much fabric to let out. I want to look like myself on my wedding day, and myself is someone who loves the occasional cheeseburger with frizzled onions. While we’re at it, stop asking *any* bride how her wedding diet is going. That is actually a crazy thing to do!
Whether They Can Bring Their Situationship
Hi! So there are these things called invites, and typically they are addressed to the people who are invited to the wedding. So if your silly invite doesn’t say “and guest,” then no, you cannot bring your situationship. Especially if you only see him after 1 AM. Especially if he only owns one pillow. (Gross, girl.)
When We’re Planning On Having Kids
That’s it. You’re blocked!!!!!!!
