The best part of any Bachelor Nation season isn’t the Neil Lane diamond, awkward two-on-one date, or tense After The Final Rose special — it’s before the season even begins, when ABC drops the cast bios filled with “fun facts” that were written by a producer’s son’s third grade class, then randomly assigned to the contestants.
Season 20 of The Bachelorette stars Charity Lawson, who narrowly escaped ending up in a loveless marriage with Zach Shallcross and was thus presented with an even greater prize: choosing a husband out of 25 software developers so lacking in purpose that they would drop everything to appear on one of the most historically brutal reality shows and maybe get canceled in the process.
To prepare for their infamous limo entrances (the season starts June 26th!), we’re throwing red flags left, right, and center as we analyze the viability of Charity’s future 11-month fiancé.
Aaron B. is a 29-year-old – you guessed it — software salesman from San Diego who watches VHS tapes of his glory days as a college linebacker every night before he goes to sleep. Then, when he wakes up to the xylophone alarm, he queues up a YouTube compilation of Mark Cuban’s most inspirational quotes so he can go full beast mode in his cubicle #grindset.
Beige Flag: He’s scared of wasps. Charity will be so embarrassed when she takes him to a picnic with some new couple friends and he knocks over the Chardonnay when a bee flies by.
Red Flag: He eats peanut butter straight from the jar, which is like what the female lead does in a romcom when she succumbs to her heartbreak at the end of the second act. Fine for the bit, but not fine for everyday behavior.
Aaron is a 33-year-old firefighter from San Diego, California, who will try to woo Charity with his cringe Austin Powers impression. He secretly thinks that if he wasn’t so committed to helping humanity as a firefighter, he would’ve killed in Bill Hader’s spot on SNL.
Beige Flag: Likes to get his fro-yo delivered. I don’t think there is an item less conducive to GrubHubbing.
Red Flag: His ideal first date takes place on a cliff specifically. Charity, make sure your Find My Friends location is ON.
Adrian is a 33-year-old realtor from Northridge, California, who definitely has anxiety about sharing his food after growing up with seven step-siblings — it’s really lucky for him that the date food is for set dressing only. He has a cheugy travel Instagram page that he thinks makes him unique, but he has to Google “cute captions Barcelona” every time he posts.
Beige Flag: He loves Topgolf. An annoying hobby but at least you know he’ll get along with your dad.
Red Flag: He’s recently undergone a huge fitness transformation — I love that for him, but if his idea of a date is going on a couples jog, I’m out.
Brayden is a 24-year-old travel nurse from San Diego, California, who is definitely not ready to settle down with a wife. He thinks wearing beaded bracelets makes him look sensitive and free-spirited, when in actuality his ideal Tuesday night is crushing Nattys and playing COD with his four roommates.
Beige Flag: He loves a good cigar lounge. Bro, you’re a nurse! #SmokingKills
Red Flag: He is not into meditation. It’s not everyone’s jam, but the fact that you’re bringing it up specifically is weird. Like, are you carrying trauma from a Nine Perfect Strangers retreat that you still haven’t fully processed? Praytell.
Caleb A. is a 29-year-old physician from Ann Arbor, Michigan, who decided to go to med school after his dreams of modeling for J. Crew catalogs didn’t work out. He currently works 80 hours a week, so if Charity has any hopes of an attentive husband or present father to her children, she can go ahead and throw those out a seven-story window now.
Beige Flag: He has a pet salamander with no name. Definitely means he struggles with commitment.
Red Flag: His hobby is music producing and playing guitar. Have you ever met a guy with a Soundcloud and wanted to continue that conversation?
Caleb B. is a 24-year-old pro wrestler from Orlando, Florida, who really felt seen when Lorde called herself “a prettier Jesus.” Something tells me that girl-next-door Charity isn’t going to be Tessa Thompsoning it up in the stands at Caleb’s MMA fights, but I’d love to be proven wrong!
Beige Flag: He thinks he makes a cowboy hat look good. That kind of hubris is a slippery slope.
Red Flag: He once hand-carved a heart necklace made out of seashells for a girl. Am I dating a man or a boy scout? Cut the shit.
Chris is a 27-year-old world record jumper from White Plains, New York, which means he is the best at jumping high — my 4-year-old nephew is really impressed! He’s 100% going to backflip out of the limo to show Charity how agile and strong he is, two important qualities in a modern marriage.
Beige Flag: He likes to go apple picking in the autumn. Florals, for spring? Groundbreaking.
Red Flag: He claims he “loves to drink wine and binge-watch Grey’s Anatomy” which seems like incredibly aggressive pandering that Charity is too wise to fall for.
Dotun is a 30-year-old integrative medicine specialist from Brooklyn, New York, who has a “zest for life,” meaning he throws back a couple of tequila sodas with his pals after work, but switches to beer when the happy hour ends. He would “love to be the head of the CIA” which tells me he has no idea what the CIA does but watched a lot of Jack Ryan during the pandemic.
Beige Flag: He loves his air fryer. It’s giving suburban Pinterest mom, but sure.
Red Flag: He’s terrible at movie trivia. You don’t have to have every release year of every AFI film memorized, but you just can’t be the guy who’s like, “I’ve never seen Jurassic Park.”
James is a 28-year-old attorney from Chicago, Illinois, who looks like he spells out the word “sigh” in his many passive-aggressive text conversations. When he isn’t scrolling his favorite Reddit boards, he’s writing “romantic letters” to the girl he went on three Bumble dates with before she ghosts him forever, and he heads back to Reddit.
Beige Flag: He’s obsessed with his family’s apple orchard. Like, he brings it up a lot. Cool your jets, Johnny Appleseed.
Red Flag: He has “tried everything” to convince his brother to get a tattoo with him, but he still won’t budge. Either you have terrible tattoo concepts or you’re a terrible brother, and neither are great.
Joe is a 32-year-old tech operations director from San Francisco, California, who definitely won’t murder you on a hike. He has hair that says “I’m Clark Kent,” a face that reads “I’ll be stuck in middle management for the rest of my life,” and a watch that begs for external validation.
Beige Flag: He is a proud plant daddy. Points for valuing feng shui but why did you have to add the “dy” to an otherwise charming factoid?
Red Flag: He’s known to “tear up the dance floor” at EDM music festivals. More like pop a Molly and clench his jaw for the rest of the night, but we’ll go with what he said.
Joey is a 27-year-old “tennis pro” from Lawai, Hawaii, who looks like he’ll be the Aiden to your Mr. Big — fun in the moment, but you won’t think of him again until after your husband dies in a terrible Peloton accident.
After graduating, Joey “realized the corporate world wasn’t for him” (aka prob got fired from his junior analyst job at Citibank) and “moved to Hawaii to live his passion of teaching his favorite sport” (smoking js while tossing tennis balls at 9-year-olds).
Beige Flag: He is an avid star gazer. Okay, manic pixie dream boy.
Red Flag: His recent obsession is country music. Bold of him to cop to that publicly.
John is a 27-year-old data scientist from New York, New York, who looks like he’ll “borrow” your vape and never give it back. He’s a total Ravenclaw (barf) and a quirky foodie who definitely knows where to grab the best slice in the city — it’s Joe’s Pizza, have you heard of it???
Beige Flag: He’s really into learning TikTok dances. I’m not gonna judge someone for loving the art of dance, but I hope these TikToks live solely in his drafts.
Red Flag: He listens to sad pop music at the gym. I, too, like to do squats to Taylor Swift’s “my tears ricochet.”
Okay, two names!!!! John Henry is a 30-year-old underwater welder from Virginia Beach, Virginia, who really likes updating his 371 Instagram followers on the unique meanings of each of his many tattoos.
Once he and Charity get married, he’ll take their son to his underwater welding office and say, “Son, one day all of this will be yours” except they’ll be 30 feet deep so it’ll sound more like “blurg gurg yurg.” A little less impactful, but it’s the thought that counts.
Beige Flag: He has only seen 20 movies in his entire life. Again, what is happening here?? Can I sponsor these guys for MoviePass? It would be in the public interest.
Red Flag: He prefers “ornamental grasses” over flowers. I seriously hope he brings his favorite strand (?) to the mansion as a gift for Charity so that she has to stand there clutching loose pampas grass until a producer snatches it away.
Josh is a 28-year-old Harvard graduate student from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, who looks like he’s someone’s dad arriving to pick them up from the party thanks to his pragmatic “no questions asked” policy.
He allegedly gave up a “lucrative career on Wall Street” to work for a nonprofit building affordable housing — except rather than just saying, “I work at a nonprofit that builds affordable housing, it’s really rewarding,” he has to say “I GAVE UP MY HARVARD BUSINESS DEGREE AND 7 FIGURE SALARY AT GOLDMAN TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. MY WOLF OF WALL STREET LIFE WAS SO SEXY BUT WASN’T MEANINGFUL LIKE BUILDING HOUSES IS. I’LL STILL REFERENCE IT WISTFULLY EVERY CHANCE I GET SO YOU REMEMBER HOW VIRTUOUS I AM.”
Beige Flag: He says he’s happiest when knowing he’s made someone else’s day better. This makes me think he’s an overly generous yet unskilled lover who will cry if he doesn’t get positive reinforcement after sex.
Red Flag: He camped in 27 national parks before he was 6 years old. When did he have time for basic, foundational child rearing? Did he even go to kindergarten? Is the complex he developed from missing so much early education the reason why he had to go to Harvard twice?
Kaleb K. is a 26-year-old construction salesman from Norcross, Georgia, who actually seems like a normal, respectful dude, and will therefore go home on Night One because he’s not thirsty enough to try and “steal” Charity three times. He’ll suggest grabbing beers at the hotel bar with the other rejects for some friendly commiserating. Then, when’s back in Georgia, his construction teammates will razz him for getting sent home first but he’ll be good natured about it in an “aw shucks” kind of way because he’s just that kind of guy.
Beige Flag: He’s only a blue belt in Jujutsu.That’s like, basically the worst one, buddy.
Red Flag: He would “love to coach high school football” which means he definitely leaves inspirational quotes from Friday Night Lights for himself on the bathroom mirror.
Khalid is a 28-year-old tech recruiter from Dearborn, Michigan, who proudly served as president of his campus’s second least questionable fraternity. His Hinge profile includes a variable mix of gym selfies, a dog that isn’t his, and a “two truths and a lie” that’s like, “I love to travel, I speak four languages, and I once partied with Jack Dorsey.”
Beige Flag: He would love to own his own farm one day. Can someone just set him up with Stardew Valley instead and he can call it a day?
Red Flag: His bio describes him as “a sweet soul” which means he’s really good at love bombing. Charity, beware!
Michael is a 28-year-old yacht captain from Chicago, Illinois, who is probably really comfortable being around rich people, an important life skill. He wants to have a big family some day, so he and Charity can basically live out a The Sound of Music cosplay where they have seven kids, everyone calls Michael The Captain, and they sing the modern day equivalent of Edelweiss at a family talent show which is probably something by John Legend.
Beige Flag: He collects cologne. He’ll always smell great but will ask you if you picked up “notes of nutmeg” every time you hug him.
Red Flag: He’s an only child.
Nick is a 32-year-old HR executive from Bayonne, New Jersey, who looks like he stumbled into the wrong room and wound up unwittingly cast on The Bachelorette. His bio notes that if he could cook a meal for any group of people he’d choose Keanu Reeves, Bill Burr, and Taylor Swift, which is a disturbing celebrity cocktail that makes me think he definitely shouldn’t have any input on his and Charity’s wedding seating chart. Honestly, making mock seating charts would be a really smart group date challenge on the show that would tell you way more about your dating pool than watching them play rugby while you cheer awkwardly from the sidelines.
Beige Flag: His favorite “local eatery” is Walmart. One would hope as an HR “executive” he’s making enough for Shake Shack at the very least.
Red Flag: He wants to live in Shanghai “five years from now.” We love an adventurous man, but this is a weirdly specific timeline that tells me he knows his company will be found liable for fraud in the semi-near future, so he’s already planning to start a new life in a no-extradition country.
Peter is a 33-year-old airline pilot from New York, New York, who is mentally preparing for how many more Pilot Pete jokes he’ll get now that he’s a part of Bachelor Nation. He self-describes as “the life of the party” but looks as if Rob Gronkowski went to finishing school.
He wants a wife who can “match his positive energy” which means never having a serious conversation and attempting to carry out a lifelong marriage based on surface-level knowledge of each other’s psyches.
Beige Flag: He loves to play pickleball.
Red Flag: He considers himself a “man of faith.” This isn’t a comment on religion, but if religion is your truth do you have to sound so Duggary about it??
Sean is a 25-year-old software sales rep from Tampa, Florida, who looks like he’s auditioning for a “Dawson’s Creek” reboot. At 25, he’s already bought a house that he’s decorated with the same IKEA coffee table he’s had since college and a bunch of nautical-themed tchotchkes that his mom helped him pick out from HomeGoods.
Beige Flag: He takes pride in his great head of hair, aka you will always be late to dinner because he’s futzing with his pomade.
Red Flag: He’s a self-admittedly terrible texter. I feel like “bad texter” is usually reserved for people who are so popular that their phone blows up to an overwhelming degree, but something tells me Sean isn’t getting that many texts except the occasional “boat and brews?” query from his childhood best friend Dave. So basically, he’s just lazy.
Spencer is a 32-year-old medical sales director from Moorpack, California, who is hoping to score a Smile Direct Club partnership after this so he can stow money away for his son’s college fund. He has no interest in Charity and will self-eliminate before hometowns.
Beige Flag: His hero is Anthony Bourdain, which means there is a slight chance he’ll take you to the restaurant from The Menu where you may or may not fight for your life after six courses of algae mist.
Red Flag: He dreams of running for political office one day. Okay, that’s why he looks so much like he would dump Elle Woods for Vivian Kensington if it helped him win a senate seat!!
Tanner is a 30-year-old mortgage lender from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who idolizes his parents’ marriage to an unhealthy extent and evidently has no personality traits outside of finding a wife. He believes he’s “100% husband material” which means he’s 1000% not.
Beige Flag: He and his family rescued over 50 dogs and he hopes to rescue more. Dogs are clearly a coping mechanism for the stark lack of emotional intimacy in his life.
Red Flag: He loves giving high-fives exclamation point. What the actual fuck????
Taylor is a 32-year-old loan officer from Springboro, Ohio, who is a self-described “goofball,” meaning he loves The Office and will call you his “partner in crime” in his anniversary Instagram post. He likes to surprise his dames with breakfast in bed, so he has no awareness about what women actually appreciate when it comes to romantic gestures. He’ll buy Charity the first lavender lotion set he sees at Rite Aid for Mother’s Day.
Beige Flag: He follows the Renaissance Periodization diet, so he is for sure counting out each of his almonds individually.
Red Flag: He likes music you can “bump and grind” to. Taylor should not be bumping nor grinding!!!
Warwick is a 27-year-old construction manager from Nashville, Tennessee, who is adorably awkward. The thing is, awkwardness just never translates well to reality TV. Warwick is unfortunately going to leave this show severely traumatized.
Beige Flag: He is a rule follower. Charity will probably like this aspect of him, but who wants to date a walking moral compass?
Red Flag: His dream date is going to see a play. It’s giving theater kid energy so we’re already starting out on the wrong foot.
Xavier is a 27-year-old biomedical scientist from Carrboro, North Carolina, who ran for class president and lost. He’s still a little bitter about it to this day, and secretly hopes whenever he posts a picture of an infinity pool on his tropical vacation that all his former classmates look at it and think, “Wow, Xavier really made it. I wish I could trade lives with him.”
Beige Flag: He enjoys knitting — Charity’s like, “babe, wanna watch the new Yellowstone?” and he’s like, “nah, I’m really focused on this herringbone stitch, I won’t be able to pay proper attention.”
Red Flag: His ideal first date is skydiving. “Nice to meet you, for your first test we’ll see if you shit yourself jumping out of this airplane. If not, you’ll advance to date 2: prison break.”
You can watch Season 20 of The Bachelorette on ABC on June 26th at 9pm ET.
Images courtesy of ABC.