Introducing kinks to your relationship can be intimidating AF. If you just found your perfect match on Hinge, you won’t want to scare them away by rattling off your list of fetishes on the first date. If you’ve been dating someone for four years, randomly unleashing your secret kinks might make them think you’ve hated your sex life the whole time. Sooo how are you supposed to discuss your love for bondage with a new or current partner without it being painfully awkward? Rather than dropping a casual, “Hey, wanna tie me up sometime?” over a romantic candlelit dinner, there are much better ways, even some that don’t involve being in the same room. I attended a “Working The Kinks Out” session at a sex camp (yes, sex camp) where Francisco Ramirez, MPH shared this list of tips and tricks for letting your freak flag fly without freaking out your partner.
1. Yes/No/Maybe Lists
Yes/no/maybe lists aren’t sexual contracts. They’re just a super fun bonding activity (without the handcuffs) that helps you come up with new sex stuff to try. You basically sit down for a dirty little brainstorm sesh with your partner to create a master list of all the kinks you’ve ever thought about trying and want to explore together. When you run out of ideas, separate, make a cup of tea, relax in the bath, and organize the list into your own “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” categories.
Circle, star, and “FUCK YEAH!!!” your YESes, strike out the NOs, and put question marks around the maybes. You can also rank and categorize each act on the list by whether you want to be the giver or receiver, because maybe you’re down to try pegging but you’d rather be the one getting pegged, or you love the idea of rope but there’s no way in hell someone’s tying you up.
Done? Regroup and discuss. Cringing at the thought of reviewing your lists at the kitchen table like some sort of formal business deal with a client? Swap papers so the other person can read it and see what you’re into in silence (aside from the occasional “hmm” or “WOW, REALLY?!”). Not even comfortable doing this in person? These lists can be created via text or Google Docs too.
2. Shop For Sex Toys Together
The only thing more fun than actually using sex toys with your partner is the act of buying them together. Ramirez says that toys are the best way to introduce kinks into the bedroom. He literally calls them “friends,” and I feel that. Sex toys make way better friends than humans sometimes, TBH.
Research all the different vibrators, cock rings, restraints, and wearables you might want to play with, then make a date out of going to your local adult store to get them. You can buy them online of course, but that’s not as fun. Going to a sex shop is something I strongly believe all couples should experience at some point in their relationship (if that’s something you’re into). The process of physically going to buy new toys, then the anticipation of waiting to come home to use them magically makes using them soOo much better.
3. Share Porn Browser Histories
I know what you’re thinking. “HELLLLL no.” And that’s fine. Although this tip IS super effective, it’s not for the faint of heart. Our porn histories are highly classified information never to be shared with anyone until we die. BUT! If you’re feeling daring and you DGAF, exchange those browser histories with your partner. Chances are they have some wild shit in their search history that blows the doors off of yours, and you’ll come out of it with something to break up over laugh about and bond over for the rest of your relationship.
4. Make Porn Playlists
Okay, if you’re too shy to share your personal porn browser history, then collab and create a new one. Making a porn playlist with someone is basically the X-rated version of a Spotify collaborative playlist. Keep things separate from your main accounts and make a new username by combining your names like Jailey, Kimye, and other stupid celeb couple names like that. Once you’re done building up a list of videos, pop some popcorn, cozy up, get naked, or do whatever couples do before they watch ~movies~ and enjoy the show.
5. Sexting
Ahhh, good old fashioned sexting. Where words fail, eggplant and peach emojis always do the trick. Sexting is the best thing to ever come out of the 21st century, aside from Taco Bell and sex toys. It’s awesome for most people who really don’t feel bold enough talking about “dirty” stuff face-to-face but want to put important business out there.
I actually love sexting for that exact reason. It’s the most comfortable way for me to say what I like in bed with someone I haven’t hooked up with yet and vice versa. Because let’s face it, talking about the weird shit that gets you going during sex isn’t exactly the easiest topic to approach with someone new, or even our current partners if those kinks were never disclosed. But we do need to put on our adult pants and address it somehow, even via text, so we don’t get stuck in sexually unfulfilling relationships with people who don’t meet our needs.
In the wise words of Ramirez, “Kink is okay. Kink is great. Kink is dope. Kink is fly. YOU are okay. YOU are great. YOU are dope. YOU are fly.” Solid reminder to all of us kinky bitches out there. We’re cool AF. We just need to find a way to express how chill we are to our partners without them freezing up and running away…but if they do run away from your kinks once you bring them up, then they’re definitely not the right match for you anyway.
