I remember feeling extremely cool in 7th grade sitting with my friends with a copy of Cosmo. It had “SEX” written all over it, and we would read the sex tips in earnest, feeling v edgy and like strong, powerful women, despite our training bras. Thankfully, we weren’t actually having sex, because some of the tips that Cosmo insisted will make you a sex goddess are fucking crazy. And would most definitely traumatize teenage boys. And the majority of grown men. And really anyone with a beating heart and/or conscience. Here are some of the worst Cosmo sex tips of all time that you should definitely not do.
1. Wear A Wet T-Shirt to Bed
“An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping.” –Nick, 30
More jaw-dropping than actually just seeing your gf’s breasts? Really, Nick? Are you sure you’re not 15?
Nick, probably: It was like I could almost see nipples.
In addition to being cold and uncomfortable, there’s nothing like getting all the sheets damp and fucked up because of your at-home wet T-shirt contest. Is it 1996? Are we on MTV’s Spring Break? WTF, Nick. I would be so pissed if someone put a soaking wet T-shirt into my perfectly made bed. And I’m the kind of psycho that is constantly eating in my bed. This is still too far.
2. Rug Burn His Dick
“Make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”
The image of girls doing this to unwitting teenage boys thinking it is sexy is absolutely fucking hilarious. Do not do this. This sounds like it would hurt a lot. And he would definitely think you are NOT a wanton sex goddess. If anything, this sounds like great self-defense advice. Also? I’m pretty sure this technique was banned as inhumane torture, and I don’t even think they did it to penises.
3. Milk Him Like A Cow
“It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren’t that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them – squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he’d request more, more.” – Steven, 23
No, no, those are tears of JOY, not complete agony. Grown men cry when they accidentally sit on their testicles, but go ahead and milk them like a cow and squeeze hard. Disclaimer: He will no longer be able to have children, but people this dumb really shouldn’t be reproducing anyway. Let’s chalk it up to natural selection.
4. Shove Coins In Your Vag
“Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.”
First of all, there is no such thing as clean loose change, that shit is permanently dirty and no amount of soap will change my mind. Also, what the actual fuck? I don’t even like when someone touches me with cold hands, much less freezing cold dirty metal in my vagina. And why coins?? Why can’t you just use ice??! Also? Okay, so you’re sitting there with freezing coins inside of you (outside only). And you just like, sit there? And he sits there? What is the point of this? What part of this is pleasurable?
5. Put On An Accent
“Put on an accent. Try one out the next time you slip under the covers and see how long you can go (get it?) without breaking out of it. Bonus points if you can nail multiple British accents.”
Ohhhh, so this explains the Lindsay Lohan thing. She read Cosmo and thought having an insane nondescript accent was very sexy to men. If you want to be as sexy as LiLo, do this.
6. Sext Him About His Dad
“Text This: Was that your hand rubbing my leg under the table or your dad’s? Here’s Why: Meeting the parents is always a biggie – it’s good to lighten the mood with a little flirty humor.”
Nothing is sexier or less awkward than insinuating his dad is trying to fuck you. Bonus points if Dad’s still married to his mom. You’ll be all, “ooooh your dad is hot and rubbing my leg,” and he’ll be all, “Wait what the fuck? WHAT happened? That is horrible, I’m so sorry!” and call his mom crying, and when you explain that you made it up, he will run from your crazy ass. So sexy and romantic.
7. Hide Someone Else In The Closet Without Telling Him
“Have someone hide in the closet but don’t tell your partner. Next time you have a friend over and your partner comes home, shove the friend in the nearest room/closet/any space that is out of sight but also close enough that it’s weird. Then get it on. It’ll be just like every other time except for the fact that someone is secretly there watching you/covering their ears.”
K, so this one is very, very illegal, also it sounds like you have kidnapped the friend and forced them to watch you have sex against their will, which must be some kind of sex crime. *Calls the Special Victims Unit* Love that they added that the traumatized friend is also covering their ears. What could be sexier than ruining your friend’s life and violating your partner’s trust?
Images: Giphy (4)
