It’s officially wedding season, and personally, I’m kinda iffy on whether that’s a good thing or not. On the “fuck this” side of things, I have to buy a stupid gift, do the goddamn “Wobble” and pretend to be excited for a couple that in five years is probs going to be either living in silent misery or divorced. On the plus side of things, there’s unlimited free booze (and if not, do NOT go) and I get to buy a bunch of fierce AF clothes. Obvi. And because I’m the fucking nicest, I’m gonna help you figure out what to wear by telling you what the different wedding wardrobe staples say about you. You’re welcome in advance.
Little Black Dress
If this is your wedding go-to, you’re a classic sophisticated betch. Congratulations. You know what looks good on you and there’s no need to reinvent the fucking fashion wheel when you know damn well if you wear something else, you’re going to wish you had gone with your LBD. Some people might say you shouldn’t wear black to a wedding, but there’s never a reason to not wear black in our book. IRL, you’re a young professional who knows how to get shit done but can still throw down like it’s freshman year. People like you but know not to fuck with you either.
Florals
You probs already know this about yourself, but you’re basic AF if you wear flower print shit to most of the weddings you go to. You got the couple a Mr. and Mrs. frame or a Kate Spade gold polka dot ice bucket as a present instead of cash like they wanted. Your favorite part of the wedding is a three-way tie between the first dance, bouquet toss, and singing the sorority wedding chant. You’re the standard nice girl of every friend group you’re a part of, and people like you but kinda wish you’d shut up with all your friendly, never mean commentary.
Jumpsuit
When you’re getting ready for a wedding and, more times than not, you reach for a jumpsuit, you’re somewhat of a try-hard. You look at weddings as a chance to show off in front of friends you haven’t seen in a while and are fucking livid if you get less than eight compliments about how great you look. If someone asks you “if you’re next” you tell them you’re focused on yourself and your career and still have things to accomplish before being tied down, but you’re a fucking liar and actually want to rip that veil of the bride’s head. Props for your dedication to looking hot, though. With all those vodka sodas, going to the bathroom is going to be a real bitch.
White, Ivory, Blush, etc.
Breaking News: If you wear white or anything close to it to a wedding that’s not yours, you are the fucking worst. There are probably more people in this world that can’t stand you than people that actually like you and that’s why you just DGAF about pissing everyone off. You don’t mind when people talk shit about you… In fact, you kind of like it because at least you’re the center of attention. You def can’t sit with us.
Cutouts
You’re single and you look at weddings as an opportunity to hook up with the hottest, most available groomsmen there. You’re not as snobby as your friend in the jumpsuit or as narcissistic as the non-bride in white, but your confidence always makes you a standout and everyone notices you. You’re the hottest girl in the room without looking trashy, which is a feat in and of itself. In terms of love, you’re looking but not desperate and probs say cliché shit like “when it happens, it happens”—but in your case, you actually mean it. The personality of a cut-out wearer is interchangeable with someone who always wears red.
Color Match The Bridal Party
Bless your heart. You’re a back burner betch. Not just in your love life, but with your friends too. You think you’re way closer to people than you are, so you usually end up getting left out and being blindsided by it. Like the girl in florals, you are a total nice girl. So nice that instead of using your non-bridesmaid status as a chance to actually look fucking hot, you think more about the bride and the way the overall aesthetic of the wedding will look than yourself and getting laid. This translates into your personal life and you get walked over by everyone, even like, your mom.
These 7 wedding themes need to stop immediately. Find out if your wedding secretly sucks here!
