We’re a month away from Jenn Tran’s season of The Bachelorette, which means we finally have contestant bios to read for her 25 suitors. Half of them want Jenn to know that they’re “a package deal” with their adorable doggo Bailey — as if Jenn is gonna be like, no Tyler, if you wanna get with me, you gotta take that dog out behind the shed.
Jenn will have her work cut out for her, using just a few D-list country music concerts to decide if these suitors are sociopaths, or if there’s someone sane enough for her to be fake engaged to for seven months following the show.
I’m a girl’s girl, so I’m going to do my best to help her out using the “Man or Bear” method. If you’re not online, Man or Bear is a viral TikTok debate where women ask their husbs/boyfriends if they would rather their wife/GF be stuck alone in the woods with a man or with a bear.
The answer, invariably, is with a bear — while the apex predator is inherently more dangerous, everyone agrees that its behavior is more predictable, giving the stranded woman a better chance of survival. The man, on the other hand, is a coin flip.
Today, we’ll play Bear or Bachelor?! where I’ll decide once and for all if you’d be better off stuck in the woods with one of Jenn Tran’s Bachelorette contestants or a literal bear.
HUGE DISCLAIMER!!! This is PURE SATIRE written in jest and good fun and we promise we aren’t actually alleging any of these jabronis are capable of murderous acts, so please don’t sue (or kill) us! We all know that the worst thing we could dredge up about them is racist tweets from 2019, not some lady’s head in a box.
Aaron
Aaron is a 29-year-old aerospace engineer who is desperate for attention after growing up with 10 siblings and a twin brother who beat him to The Bachelor punch — I mean, just look at the way he’s trying to flex that Rolex day-date, he’s practically screaming, “LOVE ME!!! I make $173K a year plus equity!!!!!”
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Aaron seems like he safely takes his aggression out on the pickle ball court, and even then, he still congratulates Walter on that killer dink shot.
Austin
Austin is a 28-year-old sales executive who “doesn’t go anywhere without his retainers.” He looks like the bastard love child of Travis Kelce and Billy Ray Cyrus, and his commitment to the mullet bit would earn him negative likes if that was a function on Hinge.
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Austin says he’d “love to be Justin Bieber. . .just for a day,” which makes me think he has some fantastical plot to body swap with Biebs, drive JoJo Siwa and her face car off a cliff, and then return to his own body with Justin taking the fall for the murder.
Brendan
Brendan is a 30-year-old real estate broker who’s most recent girlfriend “left him for his best friend,” meaning he is tooootally not going to tweak out when he sees Jenn make out with his bunkmate.
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Brendan is very determined to communicate to us how much of a risk taker he is, but he’s coming across as a guy who’s friends have a secret group message discussing the meetup location for his intervention.
Brett
Brett is a 28-year-old health and safety manager who looks like he played the high school bully in a ’90s teen sitcom who gives the nerdy protagonist a knuckle sandwich in the pilot but grows to begrudgingly respect him by the series finale.
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Brett says that as a kid, he “accidentally shaved off his own eyebrows right before picture day.” Accidentally?! Eyebrows plural?! What was he doing, parkour at the barber shop?
Brian
Brian is a 33-year-old aesthetics consultant who majored in shitty Instagram captions at the University of Cheug. Anyone who calls their S.O. their “partner in crime” unironically actually deserves the jail time to which they allude.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Brian probably slaps his knees when he’s ready to leave a function, but the Botox hookup is worth it.
Dakota
Dakota is a 27-year-old sommelier, and not to be ageist, but that feels too young for somm status. Who wants to take wine advice from someone who was slurping down Barefoot moscato in their dorm room a mere 5 years ago?
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Dakota has a tattoo on his rib that says “The biggest thing in today’s sorrow is the memory of yesterday’s joy,” which makes me think he’s too dumb to be a murderer.
Devin
Devin is a 28-year-old freight company owner who admits to being a certified yapper, but the guy eats, sleeps, and breathes shipping logistics, so what is there to talk about? If Jenn mistakenly gives him a one-on-one, she’ll have to send him home well before the obligatory Trauma Bonding Dinner, unless she wants to suffer through his sob story about his freezer truck full of Atlantic Cod that broke down on the side of the highway, preventing him from hitting his Q3 numbers.
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Devin says “his mom is his hero,” which he probably thinks is a charming green flag, but it feels a little too Norman Bates-coded to me.
Dylan
Dylan is a 24-year-old medical student who should really focus on finishing his degree instead of chasing ass on a reality show. Imagine going in for brain surgery, and you’re like, “wait, this surgeon was on Jenn’s season of The Bachelorette! He got sent home after he lost the sausage eating contest in Dusseldorf.” Not gonna inspire confidence in the diligent repair of your most vital organ!
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Dylan is about to take the Hippocratic oath, so unless he’s one of those creepo Dr. Death types, Jenn should be in the clear.
Grant
Grant is a 30-year-old day trader who showed up to his ABC photoshoot in a white tank top, but was coerced into throwing a female producer’s powder blue sweater from Talbots over it when they told him chicks would think it made him look emotionally available.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Grant is a former pro basketball player and a salsa dancing enthusiast, so while he absolutely will cheat on you, that’ll be the end of your worries.
Hakeem
Hakeem is a 29-year-old medical device salesman who “loves rewatching The Lion King,” which means Jenn officially has a Disney adult on her hands. Fingers crossed he doesn’t ask her to roleplay Simba and Nala in the fantasy suite.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Hakeem spent $5,000 on a dating coach and still took a girl on a picnic date to a cemetery. One thing about Ted Bundy: the man had game. Not gonna be a concern with our boy Hakeem.
Jahaan
Jahaan is a 28-year-old protein powder startup founder who thinks he’s God’s gift to Earth because he has Forbes 30 Under 30 in his Instagram bio. He claims that “if you challenge him to a game of chess, you’ll most likely lose,” which makes him sound like an insufferably pompous douchebag who listens to podcasts about being a “high value male” and thinks @JustPearlyThings “has some good points.”
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Jahaan is one head-inflating Fortune profile away from going completely Adam Neumann on us and turning his overpriced protein operation into a Don’t Worry Darling cult. Rule of thumb: Don’t trust any man who keeps a copy of The 48 Laws of Power on his bedside table.
Jeremy
Jeremy is a 29-year-old real estate investor who likes working out, traveling, and spending time with his family — AKA, the personality of drywall.
His ideal meet-the-family date is inviting his girl over for Passover seder, which seems incredibly high-risk. You don’t want to soft launch her at a brewery first? Let your psycho boy mom get to know her when she isn’t in the middle of making brisket for 33 cousins, perhaps?
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Jeremy says he “loves hard” and hopes his future wife is “ready for all the cuddles and kisses.” He sounds like the type of dude who was writing prison proposals to Gypsy Rose.
John M.
John M. is a 25-year-old medical student who is “totally a relationship guy.” What is up with all these young med students looking to wife up before their prefrontal cortex has fully developed? Shouldn’t they know that little factoid?
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! John M. is “literally obsessed with all things Christmas” — bro is probably spending his weekends making snowflake sugar cookies for his professors and brainstorming clever new hiding spots for the Elf on the Shelf. I think we’re safe!
Jonathan J.
Jonathan J. is a 27-year-old creative director who looks like he just spent $400 on a beanie and hits his Juul at the office to “help his creative flow.” He occasionally gets to shoot with a celebrity for work, and he’ll work in a story about how he “totally vibed with Adam Levine” into every Tinder date for the next 8 months.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Jonathan is way too afraid of getting canceled to murder you. Like, the guy answered a question about his dream dinner guest with “Neil deGrasse Tyson” instead of Pamela Anderson so we’d think he’s sooo curious and cerebral. Dude, what could you possibly have to “pick his brain” about, you write social media copy for Stouffer’s.
Kevin
Kevin is a 35-year-old financial analyst (still?) who should maybe spend less time bungee jumping and more time climbing the corporate ladder so he can provide for this future family that he hopes to have with Jenn.
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Kevin has been skiing “over 200 times,” which means he has too much generational wealth and therefore has never had to fully process the consequences of his actions. If he decided to kill you, his Get Out-ass family would def use their many resources to help him cover it up.
Marcus
Marcus is a 31-year-old army ranger veteran who seems to care a little much about leading a life of humility with his “humble” wife, which sounds like it’s getting a lil Evangelical. Unless he wants to go start a linen farm or something? Either way, Jenn better keep those bikini pics off the grid, because Marky will not approve!
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! His favorite show is New Girl, which means he thinks some manic pixie dream girl is about to roll up in her polka dot socks and teach him to hear colors. It’s giving sad boi who spends a questionable amount of time on sus Reddit channels to me.
Marvin
Marvin is a 28-year-old luxury event planner who looks like he gets hired as a “party motivator” at bat mitzvahs and sweet 16s to lead the kids in Coke or Pepsi. He dreams of buying a beachside mansion in Malibu, which is the first unobjectionable fun fact I’ve read thus far.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Marvin claims he is always “GQ ready,” and you can’t be GQ ready if your suede bomber jacket is covered in your girlfriend’s blood.
Matt
Matt is a 27-year-old insurance executive who looks like he’s about to pop out at the end of a rainbow. His dream date is “exploring a museum with the woman of his dreams and talking about all the different art pieces,” which is phrased in a way that makes me think he knows nothing about art and only said that because he thinks it makes him sound like he’s not like other boys.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Matt is looking to find a woman who is “all Zen, no drama,” which sounds like he’s going to end up getting himself into a Gone Girl type situation. He’s the one who should be scared!
Moze
Moze is a 25-year-old algebra teacher who “isn’t afraid to try freestyle rapping for his lady on a first date.” If the producers finesse Moze into doing this on national TV, he’s going to get bullied so hard by his 8th graders that he’ll have to switch schools.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Moze is a Drake stan, which means he’s soft as hell.
Ricky
Ricky is a 28-year-old pharmaceutical representative who is “tired of the superficial dating scene,” so he decided to go on a TV show where the maximum amount of time you could get with your future fiancé is 33 hours. All you can determine in 33 hours is like, “do I think she’s hot? Does she chew too loudly? Do we want the same amount of kids? Okay, great!”
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Ricky’s favorite author is Jodi Picoult, so he’ll fit right into your 53-year-old mom’s book club (as long as he brings the Chardonnay).
Sam M.
Sam M. is a 27-year-old contractor who looks like he just stepped out of a Hallmark movie where he plays the charming yet wounded local vendor who lost his wife in a tragic house fire (can Jenn fix him over a cup of cocoa?). Sam M. seems like he’ll give you a fair price on your patio remodel even though knows he could swindle you — but that’s not how his pop raised him.
Bear or Bachelor: I was gonna say Bear because he was homeschooled and nothing good ever comes of that, but he’s also low-key hot so maybe you risk it?
Sam N.
Sam N. is a 25-year-old entrepreneur who “only dates women he truly sees a future with, and he sees a future with Jenn.” Bitch, be fucking for real, I dare you to say three things about this woman. So I guess Sam N. sees a “real future” with any pretty girl who is contractually obligated to speak with him for at least two minutes. . .
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Sam N. is a “huge prankster” who’s favorite holiday is April Fool’s. Anyone who identifies as a “huge prankster” over the age of 11 needs to go on a 12-week silent retreat where they can conquer their inner demons and learn to rewire their entire personality.
Spencer
Spencer is a 30-year-old pet portrait “entrepreneur,” which is a nice way of saying he has an Etsy shop that gets one order every three months which he fills in between rounds of COD. He’s a “mama’s boy ready to leave the nest” and swap out Cheryl for Jenn when it comes to managing all his emotional needs.
Bear or Bachelor: Bachelor! Spencer might have a lot of time on his hands, but he keeps himself occupied by training for ultramarathons and hiking the Grand Canyon for “27 hours straight.” He is probably more interested in racking up GU Gel Packs and Fortnite skins on his mom’s Amex than he is in murder.
Thomas N.
Thomas N. is a 31-year-old retirement adviser who looks like he copped his fit from Arthur the Aardvark. He passes his time watching Guy’s Grocery Games on the Food Network and he’s so vanilla and inoffensive that he’ll probably end up in Rome in the top 7 even though he has zero connection with Jenn — she just needs to fill a slot with a no-drama dude who she can use for open-eye naps during their cocktail party conversations. The lead never gets enough sleep on this show!
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Thomas N. is so boring that it’s actually concerning. He’s the type of guy who’s the subject of a true crime documentary where all his neighbors say “he was friendly but kept to himself” and “we never would have seen this coming.”
Tomas A.
Tomas A. is a 27-year-old physiotherapist who looks like he brings Tarot cards to a first date. He loves Friends and is hoping Jenn can be the Rachel to his Ross, which is a reference so dated it leads me to believe his 7-year-old self time-traveled to present day and is now living in his adult body with a child’s consciousness in a classic Big switcheroo.
Bear or Bachelor: Bear! Something is amiss with Tomas A. who “has the ultimate golden retriever energy” and “dreams of snowboarding in the Swiss Alps.” I think he may just be an invention of Chat GPT or the psycho CEO from Ex Machina. The Disney corporation is using him as a beta tester and if he can successfully seduce Jenn, they’ll deploy these units to seduce the FTC commissioners standing in the way of their media monopoly!
