The perfect woman has the capability and work ethic of being a CEO, but also the cashmere sweater closet of a trophy wife. Where does this woman exist? Rom-coms, duh. There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women people who pretend they’re above rom-coms. What isn’t to absolutely love? They are the dessert of movie – indulgent and you will sneak in extras without telling other people.
Some of the most beloved rom-coms, however, do not stand the test of time. That isn’t necessarily bad! Times are a changin’ and it’s hard to keep up. The only love story that is truly applicable to all eras is Romeo & Juliet, which we saw expertly modernized with Leo and Claire. I digress. Here are some classic romantic comedies that wouldn’t pass our #woke modern standards.
You’ve Got Mail
YGM might be the first online dating romance story? But let’s face it, things have gotten a whole lot more complicated since the innocent heyday of AOL chat rooms. If you’re still DM-ing with a dude after weeks of not meeting him, call up Nev Schulman because you’re being catfished. Also, in 2018, there’s simply no way modern woman Kathleen wouldn’t have snooped out who Joe was through his LinkedIN or Twitter.
When Harry Met Sally
When Harry Met Sally is a story predicated on the two main characters weaving in and out of one another’s lives. This isn’t the olden days where you don’t know what someone is up to since college. Sally would have been bombarded with Harry’s obnoxious Facebook updates and Harry would know all about Sally dating Joe because of endless #mcm posts. There’s no wondering if the other person has changed when you can see the nineteen Breitbart articles they’ve shared in the last week. Also someone in that restaurant def would have posted a video of Sally orgasming at her table, only to have it go viral and ruin her life.
Pretty Woman
Sure, the idea of a fun-loving, self actualized and non-traumatized sex worker is actually *very* 2018, but there’s one scene in this movie that is neither rom nor com, and would certainly be far less well received in the cold light of the #MeToo movement. We’re talking of course about the scene where Jason Alexander’s character literally attempts to rape the Pretty Woman and the consequences are…he loses a friend? Given the fact that this scene literally takes place in a hotel room, between a powerless young “entertainer” and a powerful male businessman, I don’t think I need to explain why it is problematic today.
Annie Hall
Woody Allen doesn’t fly in 2018. Next question.
Never Been Kissed
Donald Trump is our president and every male celebrity over the age of 13 is being outed as a predator. The press is under attack by half of the country and is fighting tooth and nail to earn the respect of Americans. If you think for one fucking second an editor at a newspaper is going to use resources to send an adult reporter undercover amongst underage high schoolers to write a piece on a place where teens hang out called “The Court,” you are literally fake news.
500 Days Of Summer
There’s a lot about 500 Days of Summer that could still work in 2018, aka the year of the sad boy. But one glaring discrepancy is that our economy is nowhere near strong enough for a greeting card company to employ as many people as it did in that movie. Also Zoe Deschanel’s bangs would be much blunter and shorter if she wanted to pass as an indie darling these days.
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