I think I can speak for most of society when I say that if I get invited to one more Petals and Prosecco-themed bridal shower, I’m going to change my name and start a new life in the Cayman Islands, where I can never be Zola’d again.
The last time I enthusiastically globbed glitter glue on a $9 Michael’s t-shirt was when I was 13 years old making DIY merch for the California Gurlz Katy Perry tour. But for some reason, a decade and a half later, I’m still expected to coo “so cute, Amy!” as we arrange rhinestones that spell out “Bride’s Minion” on a pair of blush pool slides none of us will ever deign to wear.
If you’re a bride-to-be, do us all a favor and consider one of these five out-of-pocket themes for your bridal shower — yes, the day is about you, but can you at least try to make it a little fun for the rest of us?
Florida Retirement Home Shower
It’s easy to vow “I promise to grow old with you” when you’re 27 and your first colonoscopy seems lightyears away. But with the Florida Retirement Home shower, the bride gets a glimpse of what those simple words could really mean.
The dress code: Gray wigs, DIY wrinkles, tracksuits, a hard-on for Ron Desantis, etc.
The signature drink: Jell-O shots in styrofoam cups.
The party game: B.I.N.G.O., except everyone has to pretend to be hard of hearing. If you have a pool, have the MOH lead a water aerobics class to The Wedding Singer soundtrack.
Cheugy Pinterest Bridal Shower
You’re in her DMs? I’m a collaborator on her private wedding Pinterest board.
Curating a bridal Pinterest board is unfortunately a canon event, even if your chances of getting engaged in the next five years are slimmer than Kim Kardashian in the Marilyn dress.
The dress code: Every attendee has to come up with a look inspired by a stereotypical Pinterest wedding aesthetic. For example, a scarecrow in a veil for farmhouse chic.
The signature drink: Everyone has to bring a batch of super time-intensive Pinterest cocktails, like Woodland Fairy Dust Autumn Sangria or Overnight Dry Ice PiñaColada Mojitos.
The party game: You’re stuck with the same traditional games, except everyone agrees you’re playing them ironically.
Rachel Getting Married Shower
Ah, my favorite Anne Hathaway wedding movie. Not Bride Wars, no. I’m talking about the gritty, car-crash of a drama Rachel Getting Married, where Anne Hathaway plays a drug-addled narcissist who immediately bangs the best man and starts a fight over the proper way to load the dishwasher. Exactly the type of person you want around during your wedding weekend!
At the Rachel Getting Married shower, everyone gets drunk and hurls nasty insults at each other. Not a bad idea if your bridesmaids have been getting a little too passive-aggressive in the group chat for the past six weeks.
The dress code: Blacks, grays, taupes. If it projects an aura of “I don’t want to be here,” it’s spot-on.
The signature drink: Marlboro Lights.
The party game: Paranoia: Wedding Edition. It’s the classic, quickly-escalating drinking game where someone whispers a mean-spirited question into their neighbor’s ear, who answers out loud with a name from the group. Examples include:
- Who’s most likely to get engaged last?
- Who is desperate enough to hook up with Jason B. after the reception?
- Which Bachelorette probably could’ve been left off the list and no one would have noticed or cared?
Bama Rush Bridal Shower
Being forced to enter into the culty sisterhood of a bridal party is essentially the same as rushing Pi Beta Phi, right?
The dress code: Dress from The Pant Store, shoes from Golden Goose, and jewelry from Kendra Scott.
The signature drink: Jungle juice.
The party game: Trivia featuring ultra-obscure questions about the bride (the color of her tenth grade semi-formal dress, her college boyfriend’s middle name, etc.) — any wrong answer means a shot of whipped cream-flavored Smirnoff. First one to need their stomach pumped loses.
Saw: Till Death Do Us Part Shower
I’m gonna say it: I’d rather lob off my own foot with a rusty hacksaw, like Jigsaw’s victims are forced to do in the seminal Saw horror film, than play another round of Name That Wedding Tune.
Would the I Do Crew really take a bullet for their blushing bride? We’ll find out, with a hybrid of Saw-inspired puzzles and games with a bridal twist.
The dress code: Whatever you’d want to buried in.
The signature drink: Lighter Fluid (vodka ginger ale).
The party game: Inspired by the franchise’s iconic hypodermic needle pit, guests will have to hunt through a massive pile of abhorrent wedding merch (monogrammed Stanley Cups, speckled ring dishes, those crazy overpriced champagne gummy bears) to find a key that allows them to finally escape this obnoxious bachelorette obligation.
