It’s been a weird week, betches. The West Coast is engulfed in flames. Houston is underwater, Florida is soon to follow. The Caribbean is fucked. There are more hurricanes coming than I care to count, oh, and a giant earthquake hit Mexico yesterday, likely to trigger a Tsunami or two. So yeah, things are weird and global warming is still fake.
You didn’t click on a link for weekend horoscopes to be burdened by all the horrific things that are happening around the world. In fact, you were probably trying to escape for a second and I ruined it by immediately laundry listing the apocalyptic nightmare we’re all living in. My bad. In light of that, the theme of this week’s horoscopes is “live life to the fullest,” because it’s likely that soon, there won’t be much to live at all.
Or feel free to disregard all of this and just watch The Day After Tomorrow on loop all weekend. It’ll probably do you better in the long run.
Aries
You’ve never lacked confidence, Aries, but this is the weekend you really put it into overdrive. Have your eye on something, or more importantly, someone? Go for it. No questions, no ands, ifs, or buts. Just do it. It’s not like you have to start worrying about things like long-term commitment when the world is ending anyway.
Taurus
It’s no secret that you can get stuck in your ways, Taurus. It’s hard to blame you when it’s likely that you’re usually right, but this weekend why not change things up? Try going with the flow just to see where it takes you. If you were unlucky enough to suffer through mandatory seventh grade drama class like I was, you know that in improv the rules is “yes, and.” Well, consider that the rule for this weekend. You may find a little spontaneity brings more to the table than expected.
Gemini
The curse of a Gemini is your two sides constantly warring. This doesn’t necessarily mean a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation, but more so that you’re always feeling conflicted. This weekend, instead of feeling the need to choose between the two, do it all. Explore every opportunity and see how it treats you. Can’t decide between Thai or pizza for dinner? Order both! Contemplating a wine or vodka night? All of the above! Have two friend groups vying for your attention? Make all those assholes hang out together! Stop dividing your time between two lives and see how much more fulfilled you’ll be.
Cancer
Your emotions are a rollercoaster, Cancer. You know it, your friends know it, and your exes know it especially well. You’ve never been one to try and tone them down, but this weekend is a time to ramp them up. You’re full of feelings and everyone needs to know it! If a hurricane is about to show up and rob you of your livelihood, you might as well let everyone know how you feel about them before it happens. Confess those unrequited crushes. Tell that friend you really hate to just fuck off. Let your coworkers know what you really think about their lunch habits. There’s no time like the present, because there’s no guarantee of the future.
*Disclaimer: This will likely not be received well by anyone. But that’s never stopped you before, right?
Leo
You’ve got a hidden burning passion, Leo. Except it’s not that hidden, because everyone can tell that you’re miserable in the life that you’ve settled for. Guess what? Time to stop settling. This weekend, take the first bold step towards chasing those lofty dreams. Sure, there’s always the possibility of failure, but there’s a greater possibility of a lifetime of lingering “what ifs?” Square up and face the future head on, before there isn’t one to face.
Virgo
It’s high time that you started doing things for yourself, rather than for the approval of others. This is your life and no on else’s, which seems obvious but is also worth stating. There’s a lot of shit that’s going to weigh you down in this world; don’t let other people’s expectations be one of them. Go out there, head held high, and let your freak flag fly. Everyone else can adjust or get the fuck out.
Libra
A balanced life is a good life, right, Libra? That’s what you’ve always governed yourself by, after all. Well, balance is all and good when the world is working as it should, but none of the old rules apply anymore. Maybe it’s time to introduce a little anarchy into your perfect ecosystem. We’re not talking a full on Purge situation here, but it doesn’t hurt to change things up. Stay out later, sleep in longer, eat more carbs. None of it matters; we’re all either drowning or burning anyway.
Scorpio
There’s a time for biting your tongue and taking one for the team, Scorpio. Good news for you, that time has passed. People being passive and conciliatory for so long is probably why we’re all in the situation we’re in now. If you have opinions that you think need to be recognized, then it’s time to stand up and say them. Make your voice heard, not that you should have any trouble in that department.
*Disclaimer: If your opinion is anywhere in the realm of “global warming is fake” or “yeah, let’s deport all those Dreamers because I hate immigrants,” then sit the fuck down. This horoscope does not apply to you. This website does not apply to you. Maybe you could try Breitbart.
Sagittarius
If there was ever a time to stand up for yourself, Sagittarius, it’s this weekend. We know rocking the boat isn’t something you’re necessarily comfortable with, but you know it’s something you can do when needed. Right now, it’s needed. In times like these, no one is going to fight for you; you have to do it yourself. Make sure you’re standing strong and letting your voice be heard. When it comes down to it, that’s really all we’ve got.
Capricorn
You’ve been likened to many things in your lifetime, Capricorn, but what they all have in common is the general lack of warmth or human emotion. Honestly, we’re not mad about it, and seeing as how anger is an emotion, we know you aren’t either. But considering that the world is rapidly descending into chaos and nothing is certain anymore, it might be time for you to take out that old heart and give it a run for its money. Emotions are messy and time-consuming, but I hear they’re worth pursuing at least once. Try it out for yourself and let me know if I’m wrong.
Aquarius
You’re bursting at the seams with aspiration, Aquarius, but what you lack is the drive necessary to pursue it. Yikes, sorry for the callout on a Friday afternoon, but you need it. The idea of the future has always been comforting to you, because you’ve figured that’s when you’d get your shit together and make something of yourself. Well guess what? The future is looking shitty at best, and non-existent at worst, so maybe now is the time to start pursuing those dreams you have locked away. Feel free to give me a shout out once you’ve achieved them.
Pisces
It’s time, Pisces. Time to take that leap. Time to make the move you’ve been avoiding. Time to jump into the unknown, because honestly, everything is the unknown right now. Your tendency to go with the flow is one of your greatest strengths and also one of your greatest weaknesses. Now is not the time to be docile. Now is the time to act. Whatever that means for you, do it.
