You're The Captain Now: Weekend Horoscopes Dec. 13-15

Well, another week down of trying to answer work emails without cursing out a coworker and dragging yourself to the gym. It’s time for vodka… or pizza… or just lying in bed watching Hallmark Christmas Movies while trying to remember your youth. FUN. Let’s touch base with the stars (hey girl) and figure out what is exactly going down with you and your sign this weekend. 


You’re apparently feeling extra charitable this weekend, Aries. So don’t blink twice if you find yourself buying the first round of shots, calling the UberXL, and telling everyone to just “Venmo you whenever.” Also, expect a burst of energy this weekend that will cause you to probably not cancel that early morning Barre class despite the fact that you will probs just be sweating out tequila. 


Your weekend will be filled with forgiveness and being over the pettiness. That friend who never likes your Instagram picture even if they comment? You may start to give them a pass on that and other petty habits. Curious what’s causing this shift? Probably the fact the full moon in Gemini last night that shook up your more indulgent side—cause why sweat the small stuff when you can just eat cake?


We’re sorry to bring up work on a Friday, but it’s not a last-minute email, rather some good news—you’ll start to feel more comfortable in your place at your office! This comfortability may also carry over to the group chat, where maybe you’ll take a little more charge in planning the pregame or dinner. Get ready to have some last laughs too, because you’ll also be reminded that what goes around comes right back around.


You are READY for your next phase, Cancers. Whether that be applying for grad school, signing up for that guitar class, or whatever you’ve been debating doing that you think could inspire you. The inspiration will pour out, and with that, you’ll be saying goodbye to things you definitely no longer need. 


We wouldn’t blink twice if “thank u, next” is your most played song this weekend, because you’re all about turning over a new leaf and starting fresh. That one friend who always drags you down? You might leave them off your holiday party guest list because you’re just fully over it. You also will be headstrong when you get to work on Monday, ready to push through the final few days before holiday break with a new invigoration you haven’t felt in a minute! 


You’re going all in for whatever event you have this weekend. Did you plan a party? A brunch? Yeah, you’re going to make sure everyone is JUST as invested in that as you are—because you know your worth! You may get shaken up with some career news, but it could help you shine light on what you really want to do. 


You’re in the mood for some adventure. From trying out a new bar to investing in a new wardrobe, you’re ready to put in the time and money for a change—don’t worry, it’ll pay off. Unless you’re thinking of getting bangs. Don’t do that.  Xoxo. 


This weekend is all about taking charge for you. Tired of the same old plan? Yeah, this is the time you’re going to pipe up and say what you all should actually be doing. But luckily, everyone will support it because… no sh*t, you’re right. 


You want it all—from shoes to a make out. While we are fully in support of both, just be wary of any toxic love affairs that could mess you up down the line—whether they be a f*ckboy named Brad or a pair of designer jeans you already know you can’t pay off. 


It’s time to get passionate. You’re feeling the new year, new me vibes a little bit early, and TBH we’re all jealous. While you might think passion means immediate satisfaction, you’re looking moreso for the long haul. From checking out a new gym membership to actually Googling how to put money in a savings account, you’re getting ready for You 2.0. 


Has that guy you thought could be your New Year’s Eve kiss been communicating with you only through “U Up?” texts lately? We figured, and know that you’re over it. You’ve been wanting to speak your truth and this weekend you are doing exactly that—just make sure not to do it at 3am after seven vodka sodas. 


Uhm, do you have a friend that you made a silly pact about getting married if you both are single in ten years? Yeah, stop lying to yourself and admit that you actually like them. A full moon is shaking up your domestic vibes, with all signs pointing to a friend who could become a lover. Talk about a fun Friday night! 

Images: Giphy (12)

Danny Murphy
Danny Murphy
Danny Murphy is a comedian and writer who lives, laughs, and gets his credit card declined in New York. His writing appears in Glamour, Marie Claire & Cosmopolitan and he performs standup wherever people will let him shout at them.