There comes a point in ever underage betch’s life where asking her older betchier sister to buy her and her friends alc just doesn’t work anymore, and she needs to find a different means to get drunk. This usually happens when she goes off to college and her sister doesn’t even go there. Obv there’s only one solution: invent a time machine that can transport you to your 21st birthday. But until that happens, there’s only one other solution: move to Europe. And if you can’t do that, there’s one more solution: get a fake ID.
Your first ID is an important milestone in life, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. No matter what happens to it, you’ll always be able to look back on it fondly. “Ah, yes. 1324 Main Street in Orlando, Florida. Good times, good times. You were taken from me way too soon,” you’ll say on your rocking chair when you’re 80 years old.
Let’s not delude ourselves, there’s no way you’ll hold onto the same fake until you turn 21. If you do, you’re fucking up. But the goal is still to hold onto your ID as long as possible, and I’m here to help you do that.
The first step in the process is choosing your ID. With so many places to get one, how do you pick? You’ll notice I didn’t rank the choices below as “bad, better, best” or any other definitive verbiage because there’s really no substitute to actually being 21. There are benefits and drawbacks and I’m not going to make your illegal choice for you, we’re all (almost) adults here.
Not great: Random-ass website in China.
You get a bunch of besties together, each put in a hundred or so dollars, send your money overseas to some rando behind a computer, and just hope that you actually get your fakes/don’t get you busted by the fucking FBI. To be fair, my bestie did one of these and it worked out well for her, but the next group that tried the same thing never got anything back. So you’re basically just trying your luck.
Dece: The frat guy you know who knows a guy.
The pros to this are: you don’t have to pay until you have your fake in-hand, and you will feel a false sense of security since you’re only a few degrees separated from the supplier. The cons are that within six months’ time, your entire college class is going to be trying to get into the same bars with the same fake Florida ID. If you go this route, just get yours super early in the year so you can make the most use out of it before all the bouncers start recognizing it.
Also pretty good:
Real ID of someone who looks like you. A disclaimer: Don’t pull a Kyra Kennedy and try to use your friend’s older sister’s passport or other form of suspicious ID. Also this only works if you can actually find someone who looks like you, and the ID is real. It has to be real. But if you happen to find an of-age doppleganger, you’d better get on her good side so you can get her ID. Though supposedly you can get charged with identity theft for using someone else’s ID, but from my surface-level Googling it looks like the punishments vary by state. But I don’t know if that actually happens to people or if it’s just an urban myth perpetuated by Nice Girls and Obama. Shrug life.
Now once you’ve secured your ID, you need to use it. Obviously.
Do: Research beforehand.
When you’re first starting out with your ID, you don’t want to take any chances. Ask around, see what bars are lenient on fakes and go there. Can you use Yelp for that? Follow-up question: is there an app for that?? The goal is to gain confidence using your ID (and get drunk, obv).
Don’t: Be fucking stupid.
If you know Famous is notorious for taking away even the best of fakes, even the ones that scan, don’t fucking go to Famous. Emory kids, you know what I’m talking about. Your shitty New Jersey ID is not going to suddenly fool the bouncer and you’ll get it taken away just like everyone else, so why would you even bother?
Do: Be confident.
Just like everything a betch does in life, having confidence is key. Obv make sure your hands aren’t shaking when you hand over your ID, that’s rookie tip #1. But also if it’s coming down to the wire and you think you’re about to get called out, not acting like a nervous idiot and sticking to your guns could help you get away with it. At the very least, it can’t hurt.
Once you’ve memorized your “new” address and committed every inch of your fake to memory, you’re ready to take it for a spin. Good luck, and don’t get caught.