Elite Daily aka Thought Catalog’s slightly less handicapped cousin published an article called “Vodka or Whiskey? How Your Drink of Choice Reflects the Woman You Are” and it’s one of those not-so-rare moments on the internet where you hope this author just has a really bad grasp at writing successful satire because this shit is on another level of stupid. Anyone with half a brain who started off with a title like that would write, “If you choose whiskey, you’re the type of woman who likes whiskey. If you choose vodka, you’re the type of woman who likes vodka. End article.” But luckily for us author Gigi Engle smoked some Salvia, watched Cosmos: A Space Time Odyssey, and then wrote this “piece.” At least, that’s what I can guess her thought process was like based on the content.
According to this girl, whether you drink Jack or Belvedere on any given night says a whole lot more about you than just what mixers you happened to have on deck at the time. Below are some highlights from this super introspective and totally necessary article. Basically it can be summed up like: if you like vodka, you’re basic; if you like whiskey, you’re super cool and mysterious. But it's so much more fun to go through it.
It starts with this powerful statement:
“There are girls who are into being girly, and there are girls who are more rugged. It’s just the way women work; it’s the way women relate to themselves and society.”
Yeah, so sit the fuck down, Susan B. Anthony or any other feminist fighting for women’s rights. This girl’s got it all figured out. Phew, glad we’ve got that sorted. And here I was thinking women were complex creatures. Ha, silly me!
“Vodka drinkers are the life of the party; whiskey drinkers would rather keep to themselves.”
While vodka does have a special place in most betches' hearts, clearly you’ve never seen a betch at a frat formal. You can drink whiskey and still dance on tables…that’s why they invented Fireball. Like hellooo, Earth to Matilda???
“Vodka drinkers watch romantic comedies; whiskey drinkers prefer documentaries.”
…No. I'd like to see some research to back this up.
“Vodka drinkers fit in with anyone; whiskey drinkers are deeply spiritual.”
But…why are those two things considered opposites? What does not branching out have to do with being spiritual? Maybe I should ask my Rabbi.
“Vodka drinkers see the beauty in all things; whiskey drinkers seek out the drama.”
“Vodka drinkers play the game; whiskey drinkers don’t have time for games.”
These two things literally contradict each other. How can you seek out drama and not have time for games? Do you even proofread?
“Vodka drinkers see things clearly; whiskey drinkers prefer it dark.”
AAAHHH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, YOU COMEDY MASTER, YOU.
“Vodka drinkers believe in the afterlife; whiskey drinkers know there is only death.”
What…what the actual fuck? That fucking escalated quickly. Now I know my choice in liquor is really just a cover-up for my views on life after death. Seriously, what drugs is this girl on, and where can I get some?
If I do any more I’m going to end up just going through the entire article, and ain’t nobody got time for that. Plus I wouldn’t want to deprive you of the joy of reading it yourself. Maybe in the future Elite Daily should just stick to re-wording “10 Things Only Introverts Would Understand.” Then again, I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. You know what, somebody give Gigi Engle a raise; I need more of this in my life.