You Will Get Pregnant And Die In Rhode Island

Researchers in Rhode Island – a state only relevant for Newport and Emma Watson's college – have determined that dating apps like Tinder and Grindr increase rates of STDS, fucking duh. The scientists are blaming “risky sexual behaviors” for a 33% increase in HIV, 30% increase in gonorrhea, and 79% increase in syphilis. It doesn't help that practically half the state population is high school and college-aged students, so combine drunken hook ups in basements, Tinder, and Grindr and it's the perfect storm of STDs.

So basically, don't have sex in Rhode Island or you will get pregnant and die.

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