Heyyyy welcome to another edition of Quarantine Week 4938593. Highlights from the last few days include Kanye announcing he’ll run for President, no one being surprised, white people having meltdowns in Costco because masks are mean, COVID still 100% being a thing although no one seems to care anymore, and all the rest of us kind of not mad about the possibility of a meteor hitting Earth.
What could the planets have in store this week? LOL.
Cancer
Try something new this weekend, Cancer. Since you’re a responsible person and not trying to flout basic CDC guidelines, maybe don’t head to a bar and try to set a shot record or anything. Use Saturday for exploring a new hiking trail or online exercise class. Sunday, the moon in Aries will have you ready to argue with literally anything, so maybe take the day to lay around in your bathrobe and rewatch True Blood or something equally weird.
Leo
Get your creativity on this weekend, Leo. Use Saturday to tackle a house project with a bestie or your S.O. Maybe you can finally paint that ugly-ass table you picked up at that yard sale. Look at you, Joanna Gaines. Sunday is for staying away from online shopping, since the planets are going to have you acting impulsive. And no, you don’t need a leather jacket. Even if it’s on sale.
Virgo
The moon in Pisces has romance on the horizon for you, Virgo. Friday is a prime date night if you’re paired up. If you’re single, go on a date via FaceTime or meet up and sit six feet apart at a park or something. The rest of the weekend you may be feeling a little irritable, so call your mom or watch something soothing, like the first season of RHONJ. Yeah, that one.
Libra
It’s all about self-love, Libra. Don’t feel like you have to lock yourself inside with your vibrator for the weekend, though (unless, like, you want to). Self-love can mean hours of “me” time, but it can also mean turning off social meeds for Friday night through Sunday and relaxing with a novel, or cooking something that scares you. Or, yes, breaking out handcuffs and some kinky sex positions that could scare your partner.
Scorpio
Are you, like, taking care of yourself, Scorpio? The corona times have taught us all that self-preservation is top-of-the-line important. So, maybe it’s a good opportunity to check yourself and your occasionally not-so-chill habits. Use Saturday morning for meditation, then indulge in something yummy but healthy—hint, not pizza. Sunday, take a pulse on your emotional health, and try not to get into stupid arguments with friends or loved ones.
Sagittarius
Friday is for housework, Sagittarius. We know it isn’t hella glamorous to put clothes away or wipe down windows, but you’ll feel better when it’s done. The moon makin’ moves on Saturday and Sunday means you’ll be looking for a good time, so FaceTime some friends for a virtual happy hour or grab whoever you’ve been quarantining with and turn something boring (see: a dumbass board game) into something more interesting with alcohol.
Capricorn
It’s a great day to study, Capricorn, and since school isn’t exactly happening atm, we recommend studying the geography of Canada, since you may wanna start planning a move. After exploring your options for housing in Quebec, Saturday and Sunday will be all about family. Call up dad and listen to him rant and rave about basic auto upkeep, or call your mom and tell her she needs to make time to teach you how to cook.
Aquarius
The moon in Pisces is all like, “follow your heart, nerd” and you’re like, “don’t tell me what to do.” Honestly, though, use Friday night as a chance to look at your personal and professional goals. Are you meeting them? Exceeding them? Have no f*cking idea what they are? It’s always a good idea to pulse check your life and see if you’re where you wanna be. After all that soul searching, use Saturday and Sunday for something light-hearted, like watching white people have meltdowns in Costco over having to wear masks.
Pisces
Express yourself, Pisces. Take advantage of the planets pushing artistic endeavors on Friday night. Sketch your dog while he sleeps, express yourself in the kitchen, or write a poem about Donald Trump’s hair. Come Saturday and Sunday, you’ll want to do literally nothing except curl up, eat, and ignore people (basically, a normal weekend).
Aries
Self-confidence ftw, Aries. You’re going to be in the mood to f*ck some sh*t up in a fun way literally all day Saturday and Sunday. Go for a run, take a fitness class online (so you can tell everyone about how you work out), or argue with someone who isn’t wearing a mask. Just be wary—your superfluous amounts of energy can easily translate to aggression, so try to tread lightly with friends and loved ones.
Taurus
The moon is all, “see your friends”, Taurus. Since we still don’t recommend getting together in giant groups, maybe call up one bestie and see if she’s down for a glass of wine (or eight) in a place where you can socially distance. The months of no human contact have been hard on you, so connecting virtually or responsibly IRL could help boost your mood.
Gemini
Your professional life is going to get a boost from some fresh ideas, Gemini. Make sure that even after you finish work Friday, you give some brain-space to the projects, ideas, and new systems floating around in your head. Maybe your boss will like, actually be impressed. Saturday and Sunday the planets are highlighting your friends and loved ones, so make time to call them up and bitch about the state of our country.
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