You Need To Calm Down: Weekly Horoscopes November 11-15

Feeling overwhelmed even though the week has barely begun? That’s because the stars are pulling you in a million different directions this week. Between the Sun in Scorpio, a Full Moon in Taurus, and an end-of-week square of Neptune and Venus, its no wonder you woke up Monday morning already crying. And yes, before you ask, Mercury is still in retrograde.


This week’s full moon in Taurus means it’s time for you to make some serious money moves. If you’re stuck in a job you hate, this is the week to start planning your escape. Now is also a particularly good time to sign up for any classes or certifications that will help you get a leg up on the competition. Then you can finally live out your dream of turning into a character on Succession. Just make sure it’s not Greg.


This week there’s a full moon in your own damn sign which can mean only one thing: self-care, baby! The only question now is what self-indulgent, marginally narcissistic activity will you engage in under the guise of “loving yourself?” Calling out sick so you can watch the new season of Queer Eye in Japan? Taking a bubble bath when you know your roommate has a bladder condition? The world is your oyster.


This Tuesday’s full moon is an opportunity for you to reflect and clean out your metaphorical closet. Or literal closet. Both are good ideas. If it’s the former, take some time this week to think about who in your life is enriching you, and who in your life is draining you. Hint: it’s probably the guy who won’t admit he’s your boyfriend but also gets pissed if you don’t answer his “wyd” text after five minutes.


This week is for the squad, Cancer. The full moon is igniting your need for group activities, so the only question now is what type of group activity it will be. Drinking during the day or drinking at night? Drinking on a roof or drinking in a backyard? Vodka or tequila? The options are literally endless.


You’re feeling extra sensitive this week, Leo, so beware of unnecessary freak outs. You’re taking everything the wrong way, and with Mercury in retrograde, this is a recipe for disaster. Before losing your sh*t, enlist the help of a more level-headed friend who can review the situation impartially. I know its hard to believe, but sometimes a text that says “okay” really does mean “okay” and not “okay, but also f*ck you.”


You’re feeling a mixture of wanderlust and nostalgia this week, Virgo, which means Googling cheap flights to Mykonos while simultaneously Facebook stalking people from middle school to see what their babies look like. Why not combine the two and plan a trip to see an old friend, preferably one with a cool apartment and flexible day job? Or you could just go full rom-com and buy a one way ticket to the Amalfi coast so you can break up your high school sweetheart’s destination wedding. Both great options.


The Moon in Taurus means sexy time for you, Libra, as the lunar energy lights up your house of seduction. Basically, your dating app lines are landing, your drinks are being paid for, and yes, for the love of God, you are up. Just remember the golden rules: use protection and don’t include your face in nudes.


This week you’re fighting the urge to do some impulsive bullsh*t, Scorpio, so maybe leave your credit card at home for the next couple of days. The Sun in your sign is making you want to do (and buy) everything, but there’s also a little thing called a budget, and it’s not in your favor right now. Hold off on any major purchases until this impulsive side wears off. Once you put down a security deposit, it can be kind of hard to get back.


Just as Mark Zuckerberg recently renamed Facebook “FACEBOOK”, you’re also undergoing a bit of a rebrand right now. It’s out with the old, in with the new at casa Sagittarius right now, so don’t be afraid to let go of what isn’t serving you. Maybe start with those five American Apparel dresses from college that haven’t fit since 2014?


Remain calm, Capricorn. You’re cruising for a freakout this week, particularly in the workplace where all those little things you’ve been letting slide to keep the peace are finally driving you f*cking crazy. Get a stress ball. Download a meditation app. Invest in some herbal tea. Remember, it’s not okay to call Sheryl from Marketing a complete f*cking dumbass, even if everyone knows it’s true.


You’re feeling generous this week, Aquarius—too generous. Remember, a man cannot live on pending Venmos alone and you have to eat to live. I’m not saying you can’t lend your friend a dollar so they can tip the bartender, but don’t forget there are scammers out there.


How much tea is too much tea? You’re about to find out, Pisces. You’ve got your foot in your mouth basically all week, from revealing too much at the company happy hour to texting your boss something inappropriate you meant to text your best friend. Also, keep the late night insta stalking to a minimum until Mercury gets back on track. You don’t want to end up liking one of your ex’s photos from five years ago.

Images: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.